This seems to be the pattern that our d/d relationship takes. It's like a weird dance. We take one step forward, and everything seems like it's going to work out, and then one wrong move and BAM, we've taken 2 steps back.
I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs...nothing in this world is perfect, (except maybe cake batter ice cream with brownie from Cold Stone, and if you have a cold stone near you and you haven't tried it yet....uh...HURRY UP already!...now back to our regularly scheduled programming) but still, I would like to find some sort of happy medium where things don't always have to get so out of whack all the time.
I learn so much from the internet, I sometimes wonder what I ever did before the internet, and what would I do if the internet stopped existing? (thank god that will never happen) I've read so much on this d/d stuff, I feel like an expert on the subject. And I AM an expert...in my mind. In my mind it works out perfectly and everyone is happy. (mainly me and Bossman) But it is so much harder in real life. Sometimes I feel like we should just forget about it. It seems to be to much of a bother, it's too big for us to take on. It's too much responsibility. It's too much work. But isn't that what relationships, in general are? Work? So why is this so hard?
I feel like it's my fault. I want this. I need this. I asked for this. Yet, I tend to get pissy when the time comes to own up to my mistakes. When that happens Bossman backs away. Why, you ask? Because, in the end, Bossman cares about me too much! He doesn't really want to hurt me. He doesn't want a confrontation. He's doing this for me. So if he thinks I don't like it, or want it, or fight too much, he just stops.
I realize he is doing this because of me. I also realize he wants to do it. We just haven't figured out how to overcome the part where I'm not in a submissive mood. I don't want to be in a d/d relationship only when the mood strikes, I want it all the time. But I understand his side of things, he doesn't want to have a big blow up. He wants me to comply, and I want to comply, but you know how moods are.....
Funny thing is, I really do want this, and as soon as he walks away, I feel like crap. I'm so sorry I acted like that, and I wish to god I could take it all back. But then it's finished, and it takes us days to work it all out again.
One step forward, two steps back........sigh
later.......
