Confused much?
First he tells me that we should just forget the whole spanking thing. I think he said something about concentrating on our relationship before we think about spanking again.
Then....
Then he calls today and asks if I got out of bed. I say yes, of course I was out of bed. Then he says, "Oh good, otherwise I might have to spank you!"
What the hell!
I told him I didn't want to talk about it. And I don't! I mean I've already resigned myself to the fact we weren't doing that anymore.
Now he wants to resume?
A big part of me want to forget the whole thing. BUT....of course there is the small part that wants to have a spanking.
Confused much?
You bet!
life after cancer
Let's face it. Cancer has changed me.
I don't think I can ever go back to before cancer. (bc) Before cancer I was not afraid. I was in a world where bad things didn't happen. Sure...they happened, but they happened to others, not to me.
Bc? I wasn't going to die. I wasn't thinking about dying. Death was something that happens to really old people.
Life has changed since I heard the words, you have cancer.
Physically, I'm good. I'm pretty healthy. Nothing major is going on. Mentally? I may never recover.
I imagine that in a small way I'm actually going through a small version of PTSD. My own post traumatic stress. Because, not only did I go through cancer treatment, but my SIL died of cancer...while I was going through treatment. So, although I am fine...my SIL is gone.
When you get diagnosed, you accept it. Your mind goes into auto pilot. You are just going through treatment and nothing else matters.
Once you are done with treatment....well, nobody tells you what happens after that.
Every pain is cancer. Every 6 months you have a blood test....and you wonder if this is the time they will find more cancer. Every time you go to the doc for a test, you know they will find cancer. Every time your child has a problem you wonder if THEY are getting cancer. What about your husband, maybe he's got cancer too!
It's a vicious cycle. Time is helping. The last couple of years have been bad. I didn't want to leave the house. Just going to the store made me anxious.
I can go to the store now. Everyday I am grateful that I am still here. I try not to dwell on the things I have no control over. I steer clear of the news. I try to only see positive things.
But....it's always there. There is always going to be another blood test. There is always going to be aches and pains.
Somehow, I just have to find away to live with it.
I don't think I can ever go back to before cancer. (bc) Before cancer I was not afraid. I was in a world where bad things didn't happen. Sure...they happened, but they happened to others, not to me.
Bc? I wasn't going to die. I wasn't thinking about dying. Death was something that happens to really old people.
Life has changed since I heard the words, you have cancer.
Physically, I'm good. I'm pretty healthy. Nothing major is going on. Mentally? I may never recover.
I imagine that in a small way I'm actually going through a small version of PTSD. My own post traumatic stress. Because, not only did I go through cancer treatment, but my SIL died of cancer...while I was going through treatment. So, although I am fine...my SIL is gone.
When you get diagnosed, you accept it. Your mind goes into auto pilot. You are just going through treatment and nothing else matters.
Once you are done with treatment....well, nobody tells you what happens after that.
Every pain is cancer. Every 6 months you have a blood test....and you wonder if this is the time they will find more cancer. Every time you go to the doc for a test, you know they will find cancer. Every time your child has a problem you wonder if THEY are getting cancer. What about your husband, maybe he's got cancer too!
It's a vicious cycle. Time is helping. The last couple of years have been bad. I didn't want to leave the house. Just going to the store made me anxious.
I can go to the store now. Everyday I am grateful that I am still here. I try not to dwell on the things I have no control over. I steer clear of the news. I try to only see positive things.
But....it's always there. There is always going to be another blood test. There is always going to be aches and pains.
Somehow, I just have to find away to live with it.
baby steps
My first step in trying to find my happiness is to exercise. At the beginning of the year, we bought a new treadmill. Of course we haven't really used it much. I could give you all the reasons, but in the end it was laziness.
I've decided that I would walk on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes a day to start. Probably not on weekends, but if I can do it during the week, I'll be happy.
I really have no excuse to not use it. It's by the TV, it has a great view of our backyard and I have plenty of time.
So, can you guys remind me of all that when I tell you I stopped doing it?
Why is it so hard to get motivated?
In other news, Bossman and I are slowly getting back on track. I don't know if we will ever get back to spanking. He has made no move or mention of it and I just don't want to face the rejection, if rejection should happen.That really makes me very sad. I HOPE it's not over.
Any ideas on how I can get that back on track?
We are, however, talking and spending time together. The other morning I woke up around 6 with a nightmare. Bossman woke up and we snuggled together and one thing led to another. It was a lot like the old us.
I know it's going to take time, but it's frustrating.
I just want to go back.
Anybody willing to lend me their time machine?
I've decided that I would walk on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes a day to start. Probably not on weekends, but if I can do it during the week, I'll be happy.
I really have no excuse to not use it. It's by the TV, it has a great view of our backyard and I have plenty of time.
So, can you guys remind me of all that when I tell you I stopped doing it?
Why is it so hard to get motivated?
In other news, Bossman and I are slowly getting back on track. I don't know if we will ever get back to spanking. He has made no move or mention of it and I just don't want to face the rejection, if rejection should happen.That really makes me very sad. I HOPE it's not over.
Any ideas on how I can get that back on track?
We are, however, talking and spending time together. The other morning I woke up around 6 with a nightmare. Bossman woke up and we snuggled together and one thing led to another. It was a lot like the old us.
I know it's going to take time, but it's frustrating.
I just want to go back.
Anybody willing to lend me their time machine?
the kids who are not kids anymore
Let's not talk about my problems today. It's just too overwhelming and depressing and I am tired of that.
Let's talk about my kids!!!
I can't really call my son the Little man any more. He's 15 and 6"1. He's almost as tall as Bossman. It's so weird to have to look up to him. So now he's just a young man.
He is doing SO SO well in school! He loves that school so much! If you had asked me two years ago if I would consider sending my son to a boarding school 3 hours away, I would have said HELL no!!! But it really was the best decision we ever made! He is thriving! He is getting all A's except for geometry! Poor kid, math is NOT his subject! When he was in junior high he was getting b's and c's....so to have almost all A's? Well, it's just amazing!!! The dorm deans have told us that he is a natural leader in the dorms and everyone loves him. His nickname is Sunshine! He's always been my sunshine and now others are seeing that for themselves.
The wildchild? She's not so wild anymore. She's decided to settle down and stop partying. She found a job 3 hours in the opposite direction of my son. Funny how Bossman and I ended up in the middle. She loves her new job and she and her boyfriend are moving into an apartment together this weekend. Brand new- just built- apartment. She is so excited about life and she has confessed that she thinks the boyfriend will propose to her soon! I'm thinking he may wait for her birthday or Christmas. It's all very exciting.
So, there you have it! Things aren't all doom and gloom around here. Bossman and I just need to figure out how to transition from kids to no kids.
I need to figure out my new identity in life.
Maybe I can be the next......
Shoot, I can't even think of what I can be the next of! BAH!
Let's talk about my kids!!!
I can't really call my son the Little man any more. He's 15 and 6"1. He's almost as tall as Bossman. It's so weird to have to look up to him. So now he's just a young man.
He is doing SO SO well in school! He loves that school so much! If you had asked me two years ago if I would consider sending my son to a boarding school 3 hours away, I would have said HELL no!!! But it really was the best decision we ever made! He is thriving! He is getting all A's except for geometry! Poor kid, math is NOT his subject! When he was in junior high he was getting b's and c's....so to have almost all A's? Well, it's just amazing!!! The dorm deans have told us that he is a natural leader in the dorms and everyone loves him. His nickname is Sunshine! He's always been my sunshine and now others are seeing that for themselves.
The wildchild? She's not so wild anymore. She's decided to settle down and stop partying. She found a job 3 hours in the opposite direction of my son. Funny how Bossman and I ended up in the middle. She loves her new job and she and her boyfriend are moving into an apartment together this weekend. Brand new- just built- apartment. She is so excited about life and she has confessed that she thinks the boyfriend will propose to her soon! I'm thinking he may wait for her birthday or Christmas. It's all very exciting.
So, there you have it! Things aren't all doom and gloom around here. Bossman and I just need to figure out how to transition from kids to no kids.
I need to figure out my new identity in life.
Maybe I can be the next......
Shoot, I can't even think of what I can be the next of! BAH!
ramblings of a crazy woman...
This blog is becoming my own personal therapy sessions so....if you don't want to read the ramblings of a crazy woman, I would click on to something else!
Things are ok around here. Its amazing how life just carries on, even when you think it can't possibly carry on when things are crumbling around you.
Bossman bought me some beautiful roses the other day. That's always a pick-me-up when things aren't going well. It was very nice to think of me in that way. I know that he is trying. I guess I need to try too.
Yesterday we bought a new truck. Well, it's 3 years old. BUT, she's a beautiful truck. She pretty much has all the bells and whistles. I feel like we won the lottery.
Here's the part I struggle with......
Part of me would love to go out and show everyone our new truck. I would love to post pictures of her on facebook. But part of me is embarrassed.
Here's the deal. Bossman and I have struggled financially since the day we were married. Over the last 12 years Bossman has worked his butt off and has done really, really well financially. I'm so proud of him! The last 4 years have been amazing. We can comfortably send our son to a private boarding school. We can send our daughter money when she needs it. We can buy stuff at the grocery store that is NOT mac and cheese or top ramen or spaghetti. AND, it's great.
But, I feel like I'm being judged. I don't have the mentality of someone that has some money. I still have the top ramen attitude.
I don't want people to think we have money. Does that even make sense? I haven't even told my family or friends about the truck because I don't want them to judge. I don't want them to wonder, how can they afford that?
I've heard money can change people and I don't want anyone to think I've changed.
I'm still the wal-mart shopping, top ramen gal.
I know....I'm sure everyone is thinking that this is such a dumb problem. I bet you are all wishing you had this problem. I get that.
I guess I'm just wondering why I feel this way. I should be happy and enjoying it, but I'm not. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying driving my new truck. But I just don't want anyone to look at me, or notice that it's new.
Also, I guess I'm nervous that something could happen and it could all be gone in a flash.
I can't believe how blessed we truly are. God has blessed us beyond what we ever though possible.
See....I'm crazy!!!! I can't even enjoy life when things are good.
Ah hell.....
Let's go for a drive!
Things are ok around here. Its amazing how life just carries on, even when you think it can't possibly carry on when things are crumbling around you.
Bossman bought me some beautiful roses the other day. That's always a pick-me-up when things aren't going well. It was very nice to think of me in that way. I know that he is trying. I guess I need to try too.
Yesterday we bought a new truck. Well, it's 3 years old. BUT, she's a beautiful truck. She pretty much has all the bells and whistles. I feel like we won the lottery.
Here's the part I struggle with......
Part of me would love to go out and show everyone our new truck. I would love to post pictures of her on facebook. But part of me is embarrassed.
Here's the deal. Bossman and I have struggled financially since the day we were married. Over the last 12 years Bossman has worked his butt off and has done really, really well financially. I'm so proud of him! The last 4 years have been amazing. We can comfortably send our son to a private boarding school. We can send our daughter money when she needs it. We can buy stuff at the grocery store that is NOT mac and cheese or top ramen or spaghetti. AND, it's great.
But, I feel like I'm being judged. I don't have the mentality of someone that has some money. I still have the top ramen attitude.
I don't want people to think we have money. Does that even make sense? I haven't even told my family or friends about the truck because I don't want them to judge. I don't want them to wonder, how can they afford that?
I've heard money can change people and I don't want anyone to think I've changed.
I'm still the wal-mart shopping, top ramen gal.
I know....I'm sure everyone is thinking that this is such a dumb problem. I bet you are all wishing you had this problem. I get that.
I guess I'm just wondering why I feel this way. I should be happy and enjoying it, but I'm not. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying driving my new truck. But I just don't want anyone to look at me, or notice that it's new.
Also, I guess I'm nervous that something could happen and it could all be gone in a flash.
I can't believe how blessed we truly are. God has blessed us beyond what we ever though possible.
See....I'm crazy!!!! I can't even enjoy life when things are good.
Ah hell.....
Let's go for a drive!
More to the story
You all are so supportive! I am so lucky that you all are still reading this blog! Thank you so much!
As with any story, there are parts that get omitted because it's too tedious to type out or it just doesn't seem important.
Some of the things happening to us have nothing to do with the spanking or sex. Some just have to do with life.
Life has changed for us. Our kids are gone. Of course the Son will be home for holidays and summers, the Daughter has moved out for good. (of course this could change.)
This leaves Bossman and I alone. We have realized that we have NOTHING in common. NOTHING!
I'm a homebody, he's a go-getter. He wants to go out and I would rather stay home and read a good book. He likes to race cars and he wants me to go to the racetrack with him. I would rather stay home, go to lunch with a friend, read a book, garden. He likes watching sports on TV. I like cheesy sitcoms.
The list goes on, but I think you catch my drift.
I also have a problem.
I realized that I don't have a purpose. I have lost my purpose in life. The kids are gone. For the last 23 years, I have taken care of them. Now......now what??? I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself wandering around the house, watching TV, doing nothing. Going out to the store is the highlight of my day. On a good day, I will go to lunch with my friend. Whoo hoo! My life is a hotbed of excitement. I feel so worthless. I mean, what IS my purpose now? Even Bossman is pushing me to do something. He asks me what I want to do. The problem is...I DON'T KNOW!! So that makes me feel bad. He tells me I'm wasting my life. He's not being mean, he just doesn't want me to regret anything later. But...I just don't know.
I know, there are so many things I could do. I can do ANYTHING I want, and yet, I don't know what I want to do. I have no desire to do anything. I could volunteer somewhere, I could join the Y. I could babysit, I could get a job......
I could.
Ever since I got the big C, I've changed. I've become anxious and nervous. I don't like doing new things, I get too anxious for that. The medication I take gives me crazy side effects like achy bones and no sex drive and yes, depression and anxiety are also on the list. I could take something for the depression and anxiety....I actually tried that and I ended up in the ER. So I am dealing with it on my own. I've actually improved somewhat. The anxiety is less, but still......it's never not there. I've learned how to deal with it better. Honestly, I don't think I'm really depressed. Although I'm confused about life right now, I am not laying in bed with no will to live. I don't feel like crying all day. I feel like I am an upbeat person, most of the time.....
But....I'm guessing Bossman wouldn't agree.
So, therapy sounds like something I should consider.
I googled it. There are so many to choose from. How would I even begin to pick one?
I'm just going to have to do it. I think I can do it.
Can I do it?? I should do it...
As with any story, there are parts that get omitted because it's too tedious to type out or it just doesn't seem important.
Some of the things happening to us have nothing to do with the spanking or sex. Some just have to do with life.
Life has changed for us. Our kids are gone. Of course the Son will be home for holidays and summers, the Daughter has moved out for good. (of course this could change.)
This leaves Bossman and I alone. We have realized that we have NOTHING in common. NOTHING!
I'm a homebody, he's a go-getter. He wants to go out and I would rather stay home and read a good book. He likes to race cars and he wants me to go to the racetrack with him. I would rather stay home, go to lunch with a friend, read a book, garden. He likes watching sports on TV. I like cheesy sitcoms.
The list goes on, but I think you catch my drift.
I also have a problem.
I realized that I don't have a purpose. I have lost my purpose in life. The kids are gone. For the last 23 years, I have taken care of them. Now......now what??? I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself wandering around the house, watching TV, doing nothing. Going out to the store is the highlight of my day. On a good day, I will go to lunch with my friend. Whoo hoo! My life is a hotbed of excitement. I feel so worthless. I mean, what IS my purpose now? Even Bossman is pushing me to do something. He asks me what I want to do. The problem is...I DON'T KNOW!! So that makes me feel bad. He tells me I'm wasting my life. He's not being mean, he just doesn't want me to regret anything later. But...I just don't know.
I know, there are so many things I could do. I can do ANYTHING I want, and yet, I don't know what I want to do. I have no desire to do anything. I could volunteer somewhere, I could join the Y. I could babysit, I could get a job......
I could.
Ever since I got the big C, I've changed. I've become anxious and nervous. I don't like doing new things, I get too anxious for that. The medication I take gives me crazy side effects like achy bones and no sex drive and yes, depression and anxiety are also on the list. I could take something for the depression and anxiety....I actually tried that and I ended up in the ER. So I am dealing with it on my own. I've actually improved somewhat. The anxiety is less, but still......it's never not there. I've learned how to deal with it better. Honestly, I don't think I'm really depressed. Although I'm confused about life right now, I am not laying in bed with no will to live. I don't feel like crying all day. I feel like I am an upbeat person, most of the time.....
But....I'm guessing Bossman wouldn't agree.
So, therapy sounds like something I should consider.
I googled it. There are so many to choose from. How would I even begin to pick one?
I'm just going to have to do it. I think I can do it.
Can I do it?? I should do it...
failed at being submissive
Hello! Long time, no see.
Writing has become a chore. It has become something that I have to work at. I haven't felt the urge to write because things haven't been good in our relationship.
So I sit here staring at a screen, the cursor blinking, waiting for the letters and words to come pouring out.
Part of me wants to write it all out. I want to lay it all out for everyone to see. Part of me wants to keep it hidden...embarrassed to have to admit that things aren't going well.
And they aren't. Going well, that is.
Also, as I struggle to admit that things aren't going well, I wonder how much I should spill here. Because honestly, there are things I'd like to say, without Bossman reading it. There are deep feelings that I don't feel like admitting to him right now. I wish I could keep it private from him.
Who am I kidding? He doesn't read here. Besides, we've talked. He pretty much knows what's going on.
So, how do I even begin? I don't know how to start a post explaining how bad our relationship is right now. I don't know how to admit that spanking is probably over, for good. I can't begin to describe how hurt and upset that makes me. It makes me sick thinking about it. Maybe this is the part that I don't want Bossman to know. I don't want him to know how devastated I am that this part of our relationship is ending.
I know what you are thinking. You are wondering what happened.
I wonder the same thing.
How did this happen? I never expected it. I didn't think this would happen to us.
So how did we get here?
It all started when Bossman decided to use spanking for something serious that was between us.
See, I don't like being touched, or should I say groped. I don't like washing the dishes and having him come up behind me and grab my boobs. I don't like changing my top in front of him because I know he'll try to grab them, or tweak them or something.
I just don't like it. Nothing will ever change it. Not even spanking. We tried it....and when it didn't work, Bossman gave up. He decided that if I couldn't submit to that, what was the point? Because if I was truly submissive, then he could decide what to use spanking for, not me. If I decide that, then I'm in control.
Now, don't get the wrong idea. He is just a normal man, with normal feelings toward his wife. He wants to be able to touch me whenever he wants. I get that. BUT, I can't change my feelings. I can't do it. I tried....I tried so hard! But I just couldn't. It's just so hard!!!!
I feel so sad! I caused this. I couldn't be submissive enough and that is what I wanted to be all along. I let myself down and I let my husband down. This is my fault. My husband was just doing what I wanted. And I failed!
Since this happened....(early summer) Things have been bad between us. Nothing mean or nasty, more like we've turned into roommates. He's waiting for me to make a move. He wants me to initiate sex. He stopped touching me completely. I feel like he's given up on me.
This is the opposite of what it should be.
What's next? I just wish we could go back. Back to the way things were. Things were good then. They weren't perfect, but they were way better than they are now.
We are trying, trying to figure out how it's going to be between us now.
I'm just so mad at myself.
And really, really sad.
Writing has become a chore. It has become something that I have to work at. I haven't felt the urge to write because things haven't been good in our relationship.
So I sit here staring at a screen, the cursor blinking, waiting for the letters and words to come pouring out.
Part of me wants to write it all out. I want to lay it all out for everyone to see. Part of me wants to keep it hidden...embarrassed to have to admit that things aren't going well.
And they aren't. Going well, that is.
Also, as I struggle to admit that things aren't going well, I wonder how much I should spill here. Because honestly, there are things I'd like to say, without Bossman reading it. There are deep feelings that I don't feel like admitting to him right now. I wish I could keep it private from him.
Who am I kidding? He doesn't read here. Besides, we've talked. He pretty much knows what's going on.
So, how do I even begin? I don't know how to start a post explaining how bad our relationship is right now. I don't know how to admit that spanking is probably over, for good. I can't begin to describe how hurt and upset that makes me. It makes me sick thinking about it. Maybe this is the part that I don't want Bossman to know. I don't want him to know how devastated I am that this part of our relationship is ending.
I know what you are thinking. You are wondering what happened.
I wonder the same thing.
How did this happen? I never expected it. I didn't think this would happen to us.
So how did we get here?
It all started when Bossman decided to use spanking for something serious that was between us.
See, I don't like being touched, or should I say groped. I don't like washing the dishes and having him come up behind me and grab my boobs. I don't like changing my top in front of him because I know he'll try to grab them, or tweak them or something.
I just don't like it. Nothing will ever change it. Not even spanking. We tried it....and when it didn't work, Bossman gave up. He decided that if I couldn't submit to that, what was the point? Because if I was truly submissive, then he could decide what to use spanking for, not me. If I decide that, then I'm in control.
Now, don't get the wrong idea. He is just a normal man, with normal feelings toward his wife. He wants to be able to touch me whenever he wants. I get that. BUT, I can't change my feelings. I can't do it. I tried....I tried so hard! But I just couldn't. It's just so hard!!!!
I feel so sad! I caused this. I couldn't be submissive enough and that is what I wanted to be all along. I let myself down and I let my husband down. This is my fault. My husband was just doing what I wanted. And I failed!
Since this happened....(early summer) Things have been bad between us. Nothing mean or nasty, more like we've turned into roommates. He's waiting for me to make a move. He wants me to initiate sex. He stopped touching me completely. I feel like he's given up on me.
This is the opposite of what it should be.
What's next? I just wish we could go back. Back to the way things were. Things were good then. They weren't perfect, but they were way better than they are now.
We are trying, trying to figure out how it's going to be between us now.
I'm just so mad at myself.
And really, really sad.
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