The day my life changed forever....

I didn't make a big deal out of this, but on January 15th, it had been 2 years since I got the call that changed my life forever.  Some call it an anniversary, others a cancerversary, but I can't call it that.  Anniversaries are happy events and that was definitely not a happy event.

I may have already told this story...but I feel the need to tell it again.
I'll never forget that day.  It was a typical Friday.  I was waiting for the results of the biopsy, but I wasn't expecting the call that day.  They said 24 to 48 hours for results and my doctors are notorious for never calling at all, so I was fully expecting to have to call myself on Tuesday, as Monday was a holiday.

They called my cellphone....weird because they NEVER call my cell phone.  She, (my doctor) was very matter of fact about the matter.  "Yes, it's cancer, don't worry, we will get you an appointment with an oncolgist and surgeon."  "Any questions?"

Me?  "Uh, so...it's cancer?"

Me? "Ok, thanks."

Who says thanks after someone tells them that? 

I was alone at the time.  The wildchild was in her room, still sleeping.  I sat still thinking for a moment.  I was trying to wrap my brain around it.  Cancer...cancer...cancer.

I needed to call people.  I needed to call Bossman.

For some reason I felt like I should go in the bedroom to make the calls.  I have to pass the wildchilds bedroom to get to mine.  She came out the door right when I walked by. 

I lost it.

As a parent, you never want to lose it in front of your child.

I did.

I sobbed like a big old baby in my daughters arms.

It was humiliating.

I gathered myself and went in the bedroom to call Bossman.  Why is it when there is something major going on that nobody answers their phone.

So Bossman didn't answer.  I called my mom.  She didn't answer.  I called my best friend.  Finally, someone answered!

After playing phone tag, I finally got a hold of Bossman.  Of course he came home immediately.  My mom soon followed.

I remember being alone with Bossman for a few minutes and we just stared at each other.  The scared look in his eyes was enough to freak me out.  He sat me on the bar stool and he kneel next to me so I was looking down at him.  He said that now was the time to pray.  We clung to each other and he prayed.

And then, he pretty much said exactly what this song says...so I'll leave you with this song.  Everytime I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes.  BUT...I never change the station or turn the song off.  Because this song is my life and I have to face my life.

I'm lucky.  I am still here.  I thank God everyday for that gift.  The gift of life.




Written while ignoring laundry by::

doctors and blood tests and copays, oh my!

I am so grateful to have health insurance, but MAN, the co-pays are killing me.  I just spent 40 dollars to see a doctor that isn't really my doctor, that won't be my doctor and could care less about me and my stupid problems!

GAH!

Let me explain.  My oncologist left.  DAMN him!  He was the only decent doctor I have and now he's gone.  He didn't even leave me a note or anything.  He had the "office" break up with me.  I recieved a very nice note from the office telling me that my doctor is gone and I will be placed with a new doc.   I called the office and they told the doctor I would be seeing.  A nice lady doctor.  I was prepared for a lady doctor.  A lady doctor to touch the girls.  

I didn't get a lady doctor.  Instead I got a sub.  Kind of like a substitute  teacher, only it was a doctor. Did you KNOW there was such a thing?  I didn't.  Apparently, he's only here for a short time, until they hire a new doctor.  

So, the Sub comes in and he's a weird looking man.  He listens to my heart, does a breast exam...which, ewwww....and then I try to tell him some of the things I've been going through.  He stands there...with his hand on the door....and finally suggests a blood test.

~sigh~

That sounds like a fine suggestion, except, I went to my regular doctor about 2 weeks ago and we already did blood tests.  I told him that...but he didn't seem to care.  The blood test 2 weeks ago showed I was a bit anemic.  My regular doc didn't seemed worried but asked for another blood test.  I had that one last week.  I still have the bruise from it.  BUT now this doc wants another set of blood tests.  GAH!  

Also, they want to check my thyroid.  I've had my thyroid checked A LOT!  We told him that, yet, the blood test clearly stated they wanted to check my thyroid.  

It's so frustrating!  I haven't even told you about my regular doctor.  That man is a blog post all on his own.  

I know what your thinking.  I should switch doctors.  That would be wonderful but in my town, the only other doctor I can go to is his brother.  Again, another blog post for another day.

In other news......

Bossman and I have been talking.  I KNOW...talking.  And the talking has led to talks of TTWD.  It's been interesting.  And in the process there has been a couple of spankings....

And then I don't feel good again.

So annoying!  Just when things start getting good, I start feeling bad.  It's worse than having kids hanging around.

I will report on things has they happen, but this is where I have to be complete honest.

I think I've lost mojo for talking about TTWD on my blog.  

How did this happen?  Why did I suddenly become shy about sharing things that have to do with spanking and domestic discipline.  I've tried numerous times to write about our conversations and I just can't do it.

I don't know when I became such a fuddy duddy, but I'm going to try and break through this fuddy duddyness and write down my thoughts, because I do have a lot of those.

So, how've you all been?  

v day

Valentines day.....not my favorite holiday. Why do we need a day to celebrate our love? Shouldn't we be celebrating that everyday? Isn't that what anniversaries are for? Plus, what a bummer day for the single people! Nothing like having it rubbed in your face that you don't have someone to love.

Let's change the subject.  

Thank you all for the kind words about blogging.  I feel the love. (heh heh)  Maybe I should send you all a valentine...

I'm thinking one way of getting back on the blogging train might be to change the look of my blog. I really, really, really, love the look of my blog, I think it's really sexy.  But I think it's time to change things up.  I don't know.  I used to be pretty good at templates, but I haven't done one in so long, I'd probably screw it up.  I certainly didn't make this one, Ceeci made it for me.  

I guess I'll just think about it.

This weekend, they were showing Pretty Woman on TV.  I'm a sucker for that movie.  I don't know why, but I find it extremely hot.  Ok, I'm lying, I know exactly why I find that movie hot.  Edward is so hot.  I don't mean he's hot in looks, I mean, Richard Gere is ok, but that is not what I find so hot.  I find his dominance hot.  He has the air of dominance about him that makes me tingle. The Julia Roberts character isn't dumb but she needs him to guide her into his world.  She takes joy out of the little things in life and he is therefore introduced to parts of her world.  But..because he's so dominate in his business life, he carries that over to his personal life.  And who wouldn't want to make love on a piano?

Besides, love conquers all in this cheesy movie that I love so well.  

I would like love to conquer all, everyday, not just on valentines day.

Go and love, not just today, but everyday.

grace

thinking of blogging again

I've been thinking about this blog and wondering what I should do with it.  Should I keep blogging, or should I say, should I start blogging again?  Should I quit blogging?  Should I delete the blog?  Should I keep the blog? (I'm keeping the blog.)  More importantly, what should I have for dinner? 

Well, the dinner question was answered rather quickly, (chicken, if you must know) but the blog questions were more daunting.  I'm just not sure what I should do.  

Because I don't know what to do, I did what I do best.  I spent money.  80 dollars to be exact.  It's a lot of money to be spending on blogging, don't you think?  I bet you are wondering how the heck I spent 80 bucks on blogging.

I was thinking of all the reasons why I haven't been blogging.  Lack of things to write about is a big part of it.  But a bigger part is just not feeling well.  I am not going to bore you (again) with my health issues.  I will say, don't worry, nothing life threatening.  BUT, because I haven't been feeling well, I spend a whole lot of time on the sofa.  I watch a lot of crap tv, but I also spend a lot of time on my ipad. 

Have I mentioned that I love my ipad?  If I wasn't married,  I would marry my ipad.

Anyway, I spend most of my computer time on my ipad.  I don't have to wait for it to turn on, I don't have to get up off the sofa and I can watch tv and surf the net at the same time.  The downfall to my precious ipad is typing.  It's not the best thing for typing things on.  A comment on facebook isn't too bad, but a long blog post...forget about it.  I would be typing for days.

So I finally decided that if I was going to blog more often, I needed to be able to do it from the sofa and on my ipad.  I know what you are thinking....laptop.  And I have a laptop.  But it's heavy and bulky and takes forever to turn on.  Plus there is the charger wire and the mouse wire...if I want to be comfortable.  

I bet you have finally figured out what I spent my 80 bucks on, didn't you?

Yep, I bought a keyboard for my ipad.

Yes, 80 dollars seems like a lot, but it was the only one that was full size and didn't fold.  I'll just say, I LOVE it.

What I didn't realize is that blogger doesn't work very well on ipad, so I had to upload an app, and I am hoping this works.  I am bummed that I can't figure out how to make my signature work, but it's just a small thing.  If I can make this work, I might actually start blogging again.

So, consider this a test.  I'm testing my new keyboard and I'm testing my new app and I'm testing my brain, just to see if it still works.

If this works, I may be up to blogging more often.

Maybe.....

grace