this, that and the other

Why is it that suddenly everyone in the world has what I have....or knows someone that does?

It's like when you find out your pregnant...or you're just trying to get pregnant and suddenly the whole world is pregnant!

I found out yesterday that my son's teacher just went through the same thing I going through. She has just recently come back to teaching...my son has a substitute for most of the first quarter of school. Of course, I sort of knew what she was getting treated for...but I never really asked.

I don't know about you, but I remember when I was younger I didn't know a single person with cancer. I never knew someone that had died. I suppose I was lucky, but don't you think that things like this are at an all-time high? It seems like that even though we are coming up with more break-throughs and cures and such, more and more people are getting these things.

As for me....I'm in the hurry-up-and-wait stage. I'll have my surgery on the 8th. I won't know much until two days later when they call me with the results. What I do know is this: It's slow-growing, estrogen fed and it's her2 negative. her2 is the "bad" kind. If there is such a thing as a good kind.

Until then, I live my life. My son is away this week at camp and I feel a little lost without him. I thought it would be fun, just me and Bossman, with the wildchild floating in and out...but I miss my son. There are so many things we do together. We do homework, watch our shows, fight over chores, Reminders to take a shower and brush teeth, snacks, video games, more reminders to take a shower and brush teeth. (why do little boys hate to brush their teeth and take showers?) I take him to basketball practice and we read books. And at bedtime....we say prayers. If the wildchild is here, we all say prayers. It's the one time of the day when I know my family is here and safe. So until Friday, I have to say my nightly prayer without him...and it's not the same.

Of course, I know this will all end soon. He'll turn into a teen and hate family prayer time. He'll hate hanging with the family. So, I'll have to get used to it.

But I don't have to like it.

Speaking of not liking something....can I ask a question?

I've got the President speaking in the background as I type this. Why oh why do they have to applaud every single thing he says? This speech would be so much shorter if they would just stop all that clapping.

I guess there isn't an answer to that question.

Next subject....3D movies.

Bossman and I went and saw the movie Avatar. Wow! It was a great movie, but I have a small problem. It made me sick. All that 3D motion made my stomach turn. I'm not usually one to get motion sickness. I can do roller coasters, I can read in the moving car and I can even go on boats in choppy water....but 3D movie with lots of action....Oh boy. I had to close my eyes a couple of times.

I also realized what a terrible homebody I am. Seriously, I'm not a big movie theater fan. I enjoy watching movies at home. I like being able to put a movie on pause if I have to go to the bathroom. I enjoy rewinding a movie if I missed what they said and I really enjoy laying on my sofa with my very soft blue blanket that Bossman got me for Christmas. Plus, I don't worry about having to be quiet.

It's no wonder I never go to the movies....I only went to ONE movie in 09, yet this week, I went to 2 movies.

Chances are....I won't go again this year!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

the plan

Thunder and lightning rocked the house around 5am. Seems ironic since that's how I've been feeling for the last couple of days.

My son came to bed with us. Even at age 11, he's still afraid of the thunder and needs his mom. It was nice laying between my two favorite men.

By 8am I was at the docs office. Seems the tumors aren't so bad. They are slow growing, fueled by estrogen. The bigger one is less than 2 centimeters. They are in the same quadrant of the breast, so the doc feels she can take them both out with a lumpectomy.

Apparently, the lumpectomy comes with some hardware. The morning of the surgery, I go the place where I got the biopsy. With ultrasound, they insert 2 wires. One for each tumor. THEN, they inject some radioactive dye into my lymph nodes. I asked if I would get some Spidey powers and they were pretty sure that I would! I always wanted to shoot people with my web!

Actually, the procedure is called....sentinel-node biopsy. It's blue dye and they say I will actually become smurf-like for 24hrs. So, I'll be Smurfette! The dye will go into my lymph nodes. Once the wires and dye are in me...they will take me across the street to the hospital where the doctor will be waiting. The doc will have a scanner that will show which node is most radioactive and she will remove it. She will send the node to the lab, while doing the lumpectomy, the lab will determine if the all the lymph-nodes need to be removed. If not...good for me and I'll be done. If so, she will remove them at that time.

After all that is done, I will go home. It's out-patient surgery. They claim there isn't much pain associated with this procedure and some patients even go out to dinner that night....however....I plan on milking it for everything it's worth. Surely I can at least get out of doing the laundry!

Anyway, 3 or 4 weeks after surgery, I'll start radiation. I will have to go 5 days a week, for 7 weeks. Apparently, it's a lot like getting an chest x-ray. Not much side effects. Mostly fatigue. Surely, I can milk that too!

At this point, the doc doesn't think I'll need chemo. Thank God for that! Of course the lumpectomy will tell the full tale and so we will see. If I do have chemo, they have guaranteed that I will lose my hair! Yippeeeee! Bald is beautiful!

As horrible as it all sounds, it doesn't sound tooooo bad! Things could be a whole lot worse. For now I'll just have to take it one step at a time.

So that was my day.....how was yours?

life goes on

It's weird how life goes on. In your mind, the world is falling apart. You walk around wal-mart, marveling at how everyone just seems to go about their day. They don't know what you know. You wonder if you should construct a big letter C and pin it to your chest. You ponder others that are walking around, wondering if they too, need a big letter C.

I've appreciated every single comment and email and text and thought that has come my way. They have all been a great comfort and some have made me teary. I wish I could give each of you a hug. I guess the internet hug will have to do.

I have to admit though, I received the best email ever today. The subject line? FUCK!

I LOVE THAT! THAT my friends is EXACTLY how I feel! Before I even opened the email I knew I was going to love it! I mean really, how often do you get an email from someone that starts with that? I hope never. Really, it's never good if it starts with that!

But, this one was good and you know why? Because it tells it like it is.

The email goes on to say how sucky this is. And you know what....it is very sucky! So sucky that the email says it SUCKS MOLDY DONKEY BALLS!

That, my friends is my new favorite saying. I'll probably use it often and frequently! Because it does. It's horrible and it's crappy and it sucks moldy donkey balls!

Finally someone was not afraid to tell my how pissed off they were that this happened because you know what....I'm pissed off too!

I'm learning many things already and my journey has just begun. I've learned that I have such an incredible support system, here in the flesh and here on the net. I come here to the net when I have nowhere left to turn and I find friendship and comfort. I've found that writing it all down is helping to sort it out.

My husband is my rock. He's already shown me such strength. I turn around and he's already there, ready to hold me and comfort me. I've cried a bucket load of tears and he's ready and waiting with the hugs and the tissues. He's looked deep into my eyes and promised me that it's going to be ok. I'm holding him to those promises!

I keep wishing that I could save time in a bottle. I don't want Wednesday to come, but I want to get it over with also. I need a plan, but I don't want to know the plan. I really would like to run away. Far away from this super scary, super sucky situation.

But I can't run. I can't hide. I'm going to have to fight it head on. And...

I'm going to win because...

This SUCKS MOLDY DONKEY BALLS!

3:00 am

I always thought 3am was just a blip on the clock that showed up right around the time I have to pee. Usually I just shuffle myself into the bathroom and shuffle myself back to bed while half way sleeping.

Weird that I'm up right now.

I slept a little. Finally I snuck out of bed. I had to sneak because it seemed that every time I moved Bossman would reach out to hold me. Not a bad thing, but really, the man needs his sleep.

So, what should we talk about? The weather? Ok.

Since I'm over here on the west coast, the weather has been pleasant. BUT, they say starting Sunday we will have massive rains until Friday. I mean, they are telling us to start building the ark. I don't mean to be negative, but since our weather is so boring around here, I find this really hard to believe. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Well, what else is going on in my life?

Oh, my sister got rear-ended by a drunk driver yesterday. (or is that today? What day am I on anyway?) Of course this happened about an hour after I told her the bad news. Oh, wait. He wasn't drunk. He was high on prescription drugs. REAL high. So high that when he hit her and they pulled over, he forgot to put the car in park and so the car hit her again. AND then when he got out of the car, the car rolled and hit her a third time. Everyone is fine....thank goodness! And the guy is safely behind bars...for the time being.

What else is new you ask?

Oh, I have cancer.

Wow. Did I just type that? I have to stare at that for a few minutes. Here, talk amongst yourselves. Topic: Pat Robertson and Haiti.

All pissed off now? Me too! Lets get back to cancer.

Wow, I just typed it again. AND, I just realized I may have to make this blog private. Either that, or I'm going to have to find some other way to refer to my "illness". You know...google and all that....Oh good, something else for me to worry about! (don't worry, I'll give any and all the password if I go private. I seriously can't go this alone. I need you all!)

Lets back track, shall we?

Yesterday, I typed out my experience with the biopsy. If you missed that post, go down a couple...it's right there. I just finished it and pressed publish so all you fine people could read about how much fun I had. I proof read the post....I always proof it after I publish...for some reason I catch all the mistakes there. Then I clicked to my new favorite website failblog.org. Oh how I love that site. I stop by there two or three times a day. I can't seem to get enough of it. Anyway.....

My cell rings. My doc never calls on my cell, so I didn't think anything of it.

It's the doc. "Did you get the results yet?" "UH, no" " Well, It is the big "C"." (ok, SHE didn't say big "C" but I really shouldn't be saying the C word over and over in this blog. Not only is it hard to type and read, but the good people searching google will end up finding me and since my mother will probably be googling it I might want to think about that...anyway...I'm don't think I'll stick with the big "C"... I'm just trying to find something that works. Any suggestions?)

So, I hear the word and my mind just started buzzing. She's still talking..."blah, blah, blah" and I don't hear a word. I try to listen. I hear something about 2 appointments and oncology doctor...but nothing else really computed at that point.

I hang up the phone and I'm not sure what to do next. I feel myself about to fall apart into a million pieces. The wildchild is the only one home and she hadn't yet emerged from her cave. I grab my phone...no, wait, I think I was already holding my phone, and I start walking toward my bedroom. Just as I'm about to pass the wildchilds door, she opens it. I immediatly fall apart. I tell her I have...well, you know.

She hugs me and I cry. Then I realize, I should NOT be doing this to the wildchild. I straighten up and mumble something about calling Bossman. "Don't worry mom, it will be fine."

I go into the bedroom and try and call Bossman. It's one of those times where you really don't want to hear voicemail. Guess what...cell phone voice mail...work voicemail. I call my mom...voice mail. What the heck people? Answer your phone already.

A second attempt at Bossman and he answers. I blurt out...you know...he's quiet for a second and then says he's coming straight now. I'm crying now....so I just say "OK" and hang up. Then my mom calls back. She immmediatly says, "So, what did the doc say?" I choke out the word again. All I hear is "Oh god.....oh-my-GOD!" Then she says...I'm coming over.

I then had a few minutes and didn't know what to do with myself. I walked all the way around the house 2 times and then sat at the computer and wrote the last post. Then I got my phone and texted the twins. Then...I couldn't stop. I had to do something and since the only thing I could do was call people...that's what I did.

Bossman walks in the door and I run to him and start sobbing. He held me tight and I sobbed. Then I sat down on a stool...he kneeled in front of me and he prayed. HARD! More happened in that moment, but it's something he and I shared together.....

After that I kept walking around the house in a daze and he went and made some phone calls. I thought they were work related, but he called our Pastor and he and his wife came right over. By the time they got here, my mom arrived and we all cried and read the Bible and prayed. Although still in a daze, it was comforting.

The whole time my mind kept screaming...."Why ME!" I kept thinking I can't do this...I'm not brave. I'm not like D. How will I look bald? I'm a big baby, I'm not going to be able to do this.....

But, guess what? I have to. I have no choice! I go on Wednesday at 8am to talk to a surgeon. Me! Talking to a surgeon. I'll find out all about my little tumor and what my options are. I guess this means I'll have to have surgery. My mind can't think of that right now. Surgery? *shudder*

All I can think about is the worst. And what about my kids.

When the little man came home from school, I told him. By the time he got home, I was a little more composed. The Pastor had left and so just my mom was here. I dont' remember what I said, but I remember telling him it was going to be ok. He seemed to take it ok....but he's such a sensitive little boy...I don't know how this will affect him yet. It's so sad. No child should have to deal with a parent being sick. Am I sick? I don't feel sick yet.

Well, I don't know what else to say. My mind won't shut off, but if I don't go back to bed, Bossman will be out here looking for me soon and I really should get some sleep.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement! They mean more to me than you will ever ever know.

I guess I'll say goodnight now.....or is it good morning?

5 minutes later....

it's cancer

fun times

I'm led to the small room to change my top. "Gown open in front please."

I'm led to the same room I went to on Monday for the ultrasound. Bossman is already there waiting.

"Let me just explain the procedure again." "blah, blah, blah," "Do you have any questions?"

I pull my left arm out of the gown and lay down on the gurney. The doctor comes in. After cleaning everything and sterilizing everything, it's time to get started.

First comes the local anesthesia. Not much pain, just stinging. Now it's time to find the lump.

The nurse holds the ultrasound probe thingy and the doctor attempts to put the needle through my boob. Since I'm young and my girls are dense, it takes some doing to the get needle in. There's a lot of jerking and wiggling, and WOW, does that sentence sound dirty...LOL It wasn't at all sexy...

Did you know that a needle just won't slip through your breast tissue? Dense stuff.

After finding the spot they want to sample, there is a loud click. And it actually jerks you a little. But luckily, not much pain. After two more goes at that, they put in a little marker.

The marker is shaped like the breast cancer ribbons. It's titanium and when I saw the mammogram there it was....little tiny ribbon in my boob. Actually, two.

After they did the first spot, they go after the second. The second is a little trickier. It's close to my ribs and since they don't want to puncture anything other than the lump....they have to be careful.

The finally get it. I manage to hear the words...that could be a cyst. Since after the first go at it, it was harder to find.

I was happy to hear that.

After we were done, I got another mammo and got to see my little ribbons. They will stay there, so in the future, if it turns out to be nothing, they will know they tested it already. If it turns out to be something, the surgeon will know where the spot is. And if I go through security, they will have to check my boobs. (ok, just joking about the last one...LOL)

One hour later, I was done and on my way home. I spent the rest of the day on the couch with an icepack, just to make sure there was no bleeding and today, I'm fine.

Well, I'm as fine as I can be as I wait for the results.

I'm sure it will be fine.

I'm sure it's nothing.

Hurry up phone....ring already!

hanging in there...

Tomorrows the big day.

I'm actually not to worried about the procedure. They say it's just some local numbing and then a poke. Not even going to need stitches!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about the results. I'm scared to death! It's amazing how many horrible things you can think of. I'm amazed at how morbid I've become.

I'm also amazed at how life goes on.

Bossman threatened to spank me if I didn't get some stuff done around the house yesterday. He was pleased with the results and no spanking was had. (Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm still trying to decide.)

My son's class is going to outdoor school at the end of the month. He'll be gone for 4 days. We had to go to a meeting about it yesterday. Um...4 days? What will Bossman and I do to occupy our time?

My daughter is thinking of going to college to get medical assisant training. I went to a meeting with her yesterday. I forgot how expensive school is. But I'm happy she's finally thinking about her future.

So, life goes on. And then I read some comments from my latest post. And one thing that helped was this:

Grace there are a million benign things it could be. So the odds are in your favor and so are a whole bunch of prayers!

Thank you Theresa! The odds are in my favor! I sooooooooo needed to hear that. Nobody said that. I knew that...but I didn't think of that. I was only thinking of the worst thing possible.

Plus, how can I go wrong with all of you sending up prayers and good thoughts?

So, from now until the results, I am going to remember that the odds are in my favor and my friends are praying.

And really, that's all there is to think about....

two

Thank you all for your wonderful, supportful comments. It's nice to know there are people out there that care. Most of you don't really know me personally, but you care and that makes me feel nice.

I went for the mammo and ultrasound today. Instead of one little lump...they found two. The second one wasn't visible on the mammo, but they caught it on the ultrasound.

I was only joking on the last post when I titled it "one lump or two". Guess I shouldn't joke around so much.

On Thursday I go in for a biopsy.

It's a fun little procedure where they look on the ultrasound and as they find the spots they insert a needle to get some samples. Sounds like a party to me!

I won't find out the results of the biopsy until Friday or Monday.

And I thought THIS Monday was a long time to wait....

Seriously....

I might just go out of my mind.

one lump or two?

I had a whole post just waiting to be finished. In it, I tell the tale of what a wonderful Christmas we had. I also include some rather annoying moments that we had with the mus*lim.

Yes, this Christmas had it all. Presents, family, and even a mus*lim. Bossman and I were accused of being liars and my daughters aunt called her and asked her to go drinking with her....yes, my 19 year old daughter. No, thank goodness she didn't go. Anyway... All in all, a very nice time.

I wanted to finish it and get it posted today. But, I can't. My mind is on something else.

My mind is on my boob. I found a lump. It's right where a woman just doesn't really want to find lumps.

One of the girls has a lump.

I was hoping it was in my imagination and I really didn't feel it. I was hoping, by the time I got to the doc, it would be gone.

Nope.

Still there.

Monday I'll go for a mammo and ultrasound.

Monday....it's a long time from now.

But I can't do anything now.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

I've done all the right things. I breastfed my son for over a year...

I have no family history.

So, it's a cyst. Right?

Please....just tell me it's a cyst....

And if your my friend on Facebook...please don't mention it there....I haven't told my family yet (besides Bossman) we'll just wait until they tell me it's a cyst...then we can tell the family...