Ah money money money......why must I always have to worry about money?

I should just win the lottery....that would solve everything...right?

My guess is, even if you have alot of money, that doesn't solve all your problems...right Michael J? Right Kobe? That's what I thought.

But it's amazing how life seems to be great, but inside you feel like your about to die. I feel like I'm living a double life. I'm this person that has everyone fooled that I'm happy and content with my life, but really, I wish I could run away and be someone else. Isn't it funny how we wish we could be someone else, but if we really knew it all we would know that the other person has problems worse than the ones we have?

Do we ever acheive full happiness? Is there anyone in this world that is completely happy and has NO problems? I don't think we are destined for that. I think Adam and Eve ruined that for everyone. Thanks guys! I think I just depressed myself more. Must be my bed time.

later.........

Hmmm...why am I so down today? It's a beautiful day, sunny and warm. My kids are healthy, Bossman is healthy, I'm healthy. So why the blues? Why am I so uncontent with life? I feel the need to jump in my car and drive far far away. I feel the need to run away...start over, make a change. But where do I begin? How do I even begin to change....what should I change first? It's overwhelming to even think about. Blah blah blah...that's what today is...one big BLAH!

later.........

This has been a crazy week. I feel like I've been pulled and pushed everywhere and I just want to sit. That's all...just sit and sit some more. Wouldn't it be lovely if we all had a time of day when it was mandatory that we sit? Sort of like in the spanish cultures when they close everything down in the afternoon for a siesta. I really think they have the right idea. Hmmm...maybe I should move there?

I got spanked last night. He had to use the darn backscracher and I HATE that thing. Funny thing is, it hurt like a dickens but as soon as it was over, I was fine...didn't even hurt when I sat down. But geez, I hate that thing.

Bossman got a lawnmower at a yard sale today for free. Can't beat free. And it actually works! We want to fix up the back yard because we have a small pool on layaway and we want the yard to be decent if we are planning on spending time back there. The grass is horrible back there. Well, can't beat a free lawnmower.

later.............

Ok, I survived the weekend, but just barely! My MIL is a nut case and you have to be very careful what you say around her, or all hell will break loose and everything will be ruined.

I've been having these dreams of moving far away. Starting over, new town, new schools, new house, new church, everything new! Wouldn't that be wonderful? Of course I would miss my family, and I have one really good friend that I would miss terribly, but I just feel the need to start again. I feel like every day is exactly the same, I have nothing to look forward to except yelling at the kids, worrying about money and trying to make Bossman happy.

Speaking of him, he is in a mood. He gets in these moods if he feels I'm not being loving enough or if he doesn't get enough sex. Luckily these moods pass fairly quickly and all is happy in Graceland again!

Well well well, here I am again. Life sure does change minute by minute around here. The little guy got sick the other night, and the wildchild now has it bad! Poor thing has been sick all night and can't hold down water. My hall has been thrown up on way too much. Why oh why can't they make it to the toilet?

Bossman and I made love this morning. It's funny how we work. We get mad at each other, and then we make love. I don't think I'm a very good wife. I think I'm very selfish. How do I change that? It's so hard to change yourself. I KNOW how I want to be, but I don't know how to make myself be that way. I would like to be more subserveant, but I'm to independant to be that way. This doesn't even make much sense, but it's who I am. So how do I change that? The thing I wrote about the other day, about him touching me when I'm doing other things...I've been thinking about that. Is that really such a bad thing? Why do I get so upset by it? Why can't I just let him cop a feel and then move on? Why does everything have to be such a struggle. UGH, I hate feeling like this. It feels like I can't control myself, and I hate being out of control. <<< see what I just typed? I hate being out of control...but yet I want to be controlled? How does this make sense? It doesn't! And that's my life.....nothing makes sense!

later............

ok...so this week has been much better than the last. So why would I still be feeling down? I think it's because I can never count on anything. Nothing is for sure...I mean anything could happen. I could check the bank account right now and there would be no money. That's the way my life works.

Here's the other problem. I like to be spanked. If I'm not spanked regularly, I get cranky. Isn't that wierd? I hate admitting that. It's just not normal. But then I go to my spanking sites, and everyone there is happily discussing spanking, and everything seems normal again. Bossman seems happy spanking me, but I still feel wierd even talking about it with him. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I like this kind of stuff. To top everything else off, being a church girl doesn't help much. Does God think this is too kinky? Is it ok as long as your doing it with your husband? Maybe God doesn't like this and I won't get to heaven. Maybe when the judgement is called, he'll look at me and say "sorry, your way to kinky to be in heaven." ~sigh~ I don't know.

later.........

Life has a strange way of going up and down faster than a roller coaster. Why does that happen? I'm so sick of things being so down lately, and I really have a hard time snapping out of the downers.

Now about my relationship with Bossman. What can I say? We get along really well, the only thing we really fight about is sex. Is that bad? I think we have a good sex life. We have sex 2 or 3 times a week. Doesn't that seem like enough? But he gets really upset when I turn him down. I'll try and get ready for something and he will come in and start fondling my breasts. I get so annoyed when he does that, and he sees I'm annoyed so then he gets mad. Then, guess what happens next...the day is ruined! Then I start second guessing myself. I think, I should have just went with it, then he wouldn't be in a bad mood. But it is so frustrating.
What's a gal to do?

Well, life calls, so I'll have to finish this up tomorrow,

later...........