Last night Bossman decided to spank me. Now I wasn't to please with this idea, but he did buy some new wooden spoons at the 99cent store, and he really wanted to try them out. So after much huffing, I turned over.
But Bossman got serious last night. He said he wasn't going to give up on me, and he wasn't giving up the d/d. He also said he was going to discipline whenever he felt it was necessary. He said he knows I need this, and he's going to do it. Then he made me repeat, while spanking) that I wanted this, and I need him to do this.
He KNOWS how hard that is for me. I hate admitting it, even though it's true. He told me to say I didn't need it, or want it, but I couldn't, damn it, I couldn't say it. Because in the end, I must admit, I need it.
So, we are continuing the saga, if you can call it that. And can I just say how lucky I am? I think I have the best husband in the entire world. I think I've been blessed more than I deserve. My husband really is so wonderful, so loving, so kind, and I love him.
Merry Christmas!
later.........
Mean people SUCK!
I may have used that title before but it is so freaking true! I can't stand MEAN people!
The other day was the first time a customer actually made me cry. I HATE crying! At work I'm considered the tough one. So when I broke down, everyone was shocked. The most shocked was...me! I don't break down when customers are mean, I just get really pissed off. But this guy was just really mean!
Ok, heres the short version of the story. MM (mean man) is making photos on our picture maker off a cd. He comes to the counter to have us price them. My friend helps him, but noticed that some of the pics looked like someone's art work. One of the prints looked like a simpson character. So she asked the MM who took the pics. MM says he did them on his computer. She said, well this one has a signature on the corner. He says he did that on his computer. So, she doesn't know what to do. (store policy states even if the picture looks professional, we can't sell it) One of his pictures was a painting of some kind also.
So, she asks me about it. I come to the counter, take a look at the pictures, and ask a few questions. MM starts getting agitated. Why can't I just buy these, I did these on my computer, these are MY photos. So I ask, who drew this picture? MM says his friend did it. I say, well, we will need your friend to sign a copyright release. So MM crumples up the picture and throws it at me! That's right folks, he threw it at me. Did I mention there was a counter full of people? So now I'm pissed, but I'm also feeling very humiliated. So I say, look, I'll call a manager and let them decide. He says....no I mean...yells, No, just take out all the pictures that you don't want me to have. Now my face is flaming red, my hands are shaking, and I know I'm about to lose it, so I say, I don't want to take any of your pictures out, I'll just call a manager, and he POUNDS on the counter and says....NO, never mind...I want you to shred all these pictures, and I want to WATCH you do it NOW.
So, I grab all the photos and I shred them. I forgot the one he crumpled. And I start lose it. Big time. I'm shaking and I start crying and I know if I don't leave right that second, I'm going to humiliate myself further. (did I mention there was a counter full of people?) So I'm almost done shredding, and a co-worker who was on a break came walking in the lab, she didn't know what was happening and when she walked passed the counter the MM told her to give me crumpled photo to shred also, so she brings it to me. And I don't look at her, I'm just shredding, and she says here, he wants you to shred this one too. And then she sees I'm crying, and she says, WHAT the heck is happening here? And I mumble...look, tell the guy I've shredded all his pictures...now I gotta go NOW. And I RUN out of the lab, through the store, to the lounge bathroom, (thank god no one was in there) and I sob! Hysterically, sob. But it was the kind of sobbing that you try to do quietly, cuz I didn't want everyone in the lounge to know I was crying. But as I was running out of the lab, I hear my co-worker, my friend, go up to the counter and ask the man in a very LOUD voice....WHAT the hell did you say to my friend? And when I got to the bathroom I heard my very good friend page for a manager!
Well, I returned to the lab about 30 min or so later....I had to wait until my eyes didn't look so bad. And I waited until the MM left. Apparently the manager told Creepo that he should not bring is pictures to our lab anymore. HOORAY! He better not, cuz next time, I won't be such a baby, and I'll tell him to f-off. And if I get fired for that.........GOOD!
So todays moral is....be nice to your store employees. The store employees don't make the rules. The store employees have feelings too. Store employess are not stupid...we are not ignorant, and we are not retarded. Some of us have college educations! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! I happen to work there because I CHOOSE too. I know it seems hard to believe, but I like my job. I just want to work part time so I can raise my family and right now this is the best option for me. Doesn't mean I'm STUPID!
Be nice to your fellow store clerks, we are human, we make mistakes, and we have feelings!
And as Forrest Gump so nicely says it.....That's all I gotta say about that.
later.............
The other day was the first time a customer actually made me cry. I HATE crying! At work I'm considered the tough one. So when I broke down, everyone was shocked. The most shocked was...me! I don't break down when customers are mean, I just get really pissed off. But this guy was just really mean!
Ok, heres the short version of the story. MM (mean man) is making photos on our picture maker off a cd. He comes to the counter to have us price them. My friend helps him, but noticed that some of the pics looked like someone's art work. One of the prints looked like a simpson character. So she asked the MM who took the pics. MM says he did them on his computer. She said, well this one has a signature on the corner. He says he did that on his computer. So, she doesn't know what to do. (store policy states even if the picture looks professional, we can't sell it) One of his pictures was a painting of some kind also.
So, she asks me about it. I come to the counter, take a look at the pictures, and ask a few questions. MM starts getting agitated. Why can't I just buy these, I did these on my computer, these are MY photos. So I ask, who drew this picture? MM says his friend did it. I say, well, we will need your friend to sign a copyright release. So MM crumples up the picture and throws it at me! That's right folks, he threw it at me. Did I mention there was a counter full of people? So now I'm pissed, but I'm also feeling very humiliated. So I say, look, I'll call a manager and let them decide. He says....no I mean...yells, No, just take out all the pictures that you don't want me to have. Now my face is flaming red, my hands are shaking, and I know I'm about to lose it, so I say, I don't want to take any of your pictures out, I'll just call a manager, and he POUNDS on the counter and says....NO, never mind...I want you to shred all these pictures, and I want to WATCH you do it NOW.
So, I grab all the photos and I shred them. I forgot the one he crumpled. And I start lose it. Big time. I'm shaking and I start crying and I know if I don't leave right that second, I'm going to humiliate myself further. (did I mention there was a counter full of people?) So I'm almost done shredding, and a co-worker who was on a break came walking in the lab, she didn't know what was happening and when she walked passed the counter the MM told her to give me crumpled photo to shred also, so she brings it to me. And I don't look at her, I'm just shredding, and she says here, he wants you to shred this one too. And then she sees I'm crying, and she says, WHAT the heck is happening here? And I mumble...look, tell the guy I've shredded all his pictures...now I gotta go NOW. And I RUN out of the lab, through the store, to the lounge bathroom, (thank god no one was in there) and I sob! Hysterically, sob. But it was the kind of sobbing that you try to do quietly, cuz I didn't want everyone in the lounge to know I was crying. But as I was running out of the lab, I hear my co-worker, my friend, go up to the counter and ask the man in a very LOUD voice....WHAT the hell did you say to my friend? And when I got to the bathroom I heard my very good friend page for a manager!
Well, I returned to the lab about 30 min or so later....I had to wait until my eyes didn't look so bad. And I waited until the MM left. Apparently the manager told Creepo that he should not bring is pictures to our lab anymore. HOORAY! He better not, cuz next time, I won't be such a baby, and I'll tell him to f-off. And if I get fired for that.........GOOD!
So todays moral is....be nice to your store employees. The store employees don't make the rules. The store employees have feelings too. Store employess are not stupid...we are not ignorant, and we are not retarded. Some of us have college educations! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! I happen to work there because I CHOOSE too. I know it seems hard to believe, but I like my job. I just want to work part time so I can raise my family and right now this is the best option for me. Doesn't mean I'm STUPID!
Be nice to your fellow store clerks, we are human, we make mistakes, and we have feelings!
And as Forrest Gump so nicely says it.....That's all I gotta say about that.
later.............
cycles of d/d
This is such a hard thing to for me to admit. I don't think I want to be in d/d right now. I don't want to deal with this stuff. Things that were once important to me, just don't seem important anymore, and d/d is one of those things.
Is this just a cycle....a phase, if you will, in my life? Does this stem from my grandmothers death? Because as I look back on the last couple of months, it seems it all started when she died. So maybe this is just an extention of the grieveing process.
I've been so blessed in my life that I never really had to deal with the death of someone that I cared deeply about. So maybe I don't even know that this is perfectly normal and I will get over it. I keep thinking that time will pass, and I will be able to get on with my life in a normal capacity, but then I keep thinking, nothing will ever be normal again. What exactly is normal? Normal to me is the way life was, and unfortunatly I can't go back to normal. Normal is when I didn't know what it was like to go to a wake and see someone you love, dead. I know what that is like now. Normal is when I didn't have to see my mother sob over her dead mother. I saw that. Normal is when I didn't have to stand in front of a room of strangers, and try and sum up my Grandmothers 82 years of life, in a matter of sentences. I did that. So will I ever be able to be normal again? Nope! Can't happen.
So now I must find a new path. I must make out a new normal. Does that new normal include d/d? I don't know. Is this just a cycle of life? Will I want it again? I wish I knew. The funny thing is, I still enjoy reading about d/d. I dream about it. I think about it. I get turned on by thinking about it. But the desire to participate is gone. I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there are so many other things in life that are more important.
I really thought I was getting over my grandmothers death. But after looking back on the last couple of months, I realize I haven't really gotten over it. I just tried to set it aside. But it's still there. I feel like I need to see her picture, look at the flowers that I hung on the wall from her funeral everyday. I'm obsessing with the pictures. My mind keeps thinking about her funeral. What I said. What I could have said. What I should have said. What I didn't say.
So I don't know what will happen with d/d in my life. I still read about it. I still enjoy discussing it. But I don't want to participate. I want to be an observer. I don't want to deal with it in my own life. It seems like too much work. It's too hard to figure out.
later.......
(I wrote the above on Nov 22)
I wrote the above blog but didn't want to post it, because I wasn't sure where I was going with it. Bossman reads this and I didn't know if I wanted him to know all this stuff. But the other morning he gave me a great spanking. It was just for fun, but it was nice. It felt great and we had great sex afterwards.
So what does this mean? I still like spanking, that much I can figure out. But for discipline? Hmmm, I don't know yet. Bossman has backed off the discipline lately, so we are just taking it one day at a time, which is what anyone will tell you is the only way to heal. But I guess I'm not willing to say, I don't want discipline. Because I know I would regret saying that. Maybe that is why I didn't post the original blog. I can't fully say that I'm ready to give up the discipline. I don't want to. So I guess I answered my own question about cycles. This must just be a phase I'm going through, because I simply can't fully commit to saying I don't want this in my life. I can't say it. I won't say it.
Life is too complicated right now. I'm just going to deal with it one day at a time. One spanking at a time.......
later........
Is this just a cycle....a phase, if you will, in my life? Does this stem from my grandmothers death? Because as I look back on the last couple of months, it seems it all started when she died. So maybe this is just an extention of the grieveing process.
I've been so blessed in my life that I never really had to deal with the death of someone that I cared deeply about. So maybe I don't even know that this is perfectly normal and I will get over it. I keep thinking that time will pass, and I will be able to get on with my life in a normal capacity, but then I keep thinking, nothing will ever be normal again. What exactly is normal? Normal to me is the way life was, and unfortunatly I can't go back to normal. Normal is when I didn't know what it was like to go to a wake and see someone you love, dead. I know what that is like now. Normal is when I didn't have to see my mother sob over her dead mother. I saw that. Normal is when I didn't have to stand in front of a room of strangers, and try and sum up my Grandmothers 82 years of life, in a matter of sentences. I did that. So will I ever be able to be normal again? Nope! Can't happen.
So now I must find a new path. I must make out a new normal. Does that new normal include d/d? I don't know. Is this just a cycle of life? Will I want it again? I wish I knew. The funny thing is, I still enjoy reading about d/d. I dream about it. I think about it. I get turned on by thinking about it. But the desire to participate is gone. I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there are so many other things in life that are more important.
I really thought I was getting over my grandmothers death. But after looking back on the last couple of months, I realize I haven't really gotten over it. I just tried to set it aside. But it's still there. I feel like I need to see her picture, look at the flowers that I hung on the wall from her funeral everyday. I'm obsessing with the pictures. My mind keeps thinking about her funeral. What I said. What I could have said. What I should have said. What I didn't say.
So I don't know what will happen with d/d in my life. I still read about it. I still enjoy discussing it. But I don't want to participate. I want to be an observer. I don't want to deal with it in my own life. It seems like too much work. It's too hard to figure out.
later.......
(I wrote the above on Nov 22)
I wrote the above blog but didn't want to post it, because I wasn't sure where I was going with it. Bossman reads this and I didn't know if I wanted him to know all this stuff. But the other morning he gave me a great spanking. It was just for fun, but it was nice. It felt great and we had great sex afterwards.
So what does this mean? I still like spanking, that much I can figure out. But for discipline? Hmmm, I don't know yet. Bossman has backed off the discipline lately, so we are just taking it one day at a time, which is what anyone will tell you is the only way to heal. But I guess I'm not willing to say, I don't want discipline. Because I know I would regret saying that. Maybe that is why I didn't post the original blog. I can't fully say that I'm ready to give up the discipline. I don't want to. So I guess I answered my own question about cycles. This must just be a phase I'm going through, because I simply can't fully commit to saying I don't want this in my life. I can't say it. I won't say it.
Life is too complicated right now. I'm just going to deal with it one day at a time. One spanking at a time.......
later........
Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving!
The day has arrived and I'm hoping that everyone will get along. Since we only have to spend a short time with the MIL, I think we will have a nice day.
Here's hoping everyone else is having a great day as well!
later.........
The day has arrived and I'm hoping that everyone will get along. Since we only have to spend a short time with the MIL, I think we will have a nice day.
Here's hoping everyone else is having a great day as well!
later.........
Orgasms
I was reading someones' blog recently, and they were talking about mind blowing orgasms. I've had some of those, I'm happy to report.
This blog is not about that though, what I want to know is how do women have more than one orgasm at a time? How does this happen? I simply can't go there...and I'm completely jealous of those that can!
I have a friend that claims she can orgasm 5 times in one session. GEEZ! That is not fair! I so want to experience this. And I've tried! Believe me, I've tried. I thought maybe if I practiced with myself I would be able to lead Bossman. But I've tried, and I can't do it. It's too sensitive and then it just gets numb. What is UP with that???
So, I'm going to do some more investigating. I'm going to make this my mission in life. I WANT multiple orgasms. And I won't stop until I get them!
later.........
This blog is not about that though, what I want to know is how do women have more than one orgasm at a time? How does this happen? I simply can't go there...and I'm completely jealous of those that can!
I have a friend that claims she can orgasm 5 times in one session. GEEZ! That is not fair! I so want to experience this. And I've tried! Believe me, I've tried. I thought maybe if I practiced with myself I would be able to lead Bossman. But I've tried, and I can't do it. It's too sensitive and then it just gets numb. What is UP with that???
So, I'm going to do some more investigating. I'm going to make this my mission in life. I WANT multiple orgasms. And I won't stop until I get them!
later.........
Flowers
Yesterday was a hectic day at work. Busy busy busy, and don't get me started on all the stupid people...sheez.
Anyway, I was not in a very good mood. Thinking about the holidays makes me in a bad mood...and I will write a blog about that later. So we talked about thanksgiving, and I got in a bad mood, and then I had to work for 9 hours...yuck. It wasn't the start of a great day, that's for sure. But then in the middle of the day, out of no where, the service desk calls back and says...hey girl, you got flowers up here. Me? Flowers? Are you sure? Yep, Bossman sent me flowers. Nice sunflowers, with a card that reads...You brighten our day.
AWWWW....ain't that sweet? How jealous was everyone at work? Heheheh, you just gotta love it. The day got considerably better after that. How could it not.
Back in the breakroom, one of the gals asked who they were from, and I told her, and she looked at me with a shocked looked and said, is it your anniversary? Nope, I smirk. Wow, you are a lucky girl. Why yes, yes I am! How lucky am I? god, I love my husband. He is so loving. So kind. I can't even decribe how much I love this man. He is my soul. He is my everything.
So then the little voice, deep in the back of my brain, that won't shut up, starts up with....you don't really deserve this. Your not worthy of this, your not even a good wife.
Why does this voice have to come up? Why does my brain automatically go to negative thoughts. I hate this voice. I despise this voice. This voice is nothing but trouble.
So I have decide today, that this voice will have power no more. I will not fall prey to it's negative thoughts. I will not listen to this voice that has no reason. I will not. I will think of the positive. I will embrace the love that is around me without question, and I will not succumb to the negative.
So I say, with a positive outlook, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind......sigh
later.......
Anyway, I was not in a very good mood. Thinking about the holidays makes me in a bad mood...and I will write a blog about that later. So we talked about thanksgiving, and I got in a bad mood, and then I had to work for 9 hours...yuck. It wasn't the start of a great day, that's for sure. But then in the middle of the day, out of no where, the service desk calls back and says...hey girl, you got flowers up here. Me? Flowers? Are you sure? Yep, Bossman sent me flowers. Nice sunflowers, with a card that reads...You brighten our day.
AWWWW....ain't that sweet? How jealous was everyone at work? Heheheh, you just gotta love it. The day got considerably better after that. How could it not.
Back in the breakroom, one of the gals asked who they were from, and I told her, and she looked at me with a shocked looked and said, is it your anniversary? Nope, I smirk. Wow, you are a lucky girl. Why yes, yes I am! How lucky am I? god, I love my husband. He is so loving. So kind. I can't even decribe how much I love this man. He is my soul. He is my everything.
So then the little voice, deep in the back of my brain, that won't shut up, starts up with....you don't really deserve this. Your not worthy of this, your not even a good wife.
Why does this voice have to come up? Why does my brain automatically go to negative thoughts. I hate this voice. I despise this voice. This voice is nothing but trouble.
So I have decide today, that this voice will have power no more. I will not fall prey to it's negative thoughts. I will not listen to this voice that has no reason. I will not. I will think of the positive. I will embrace the love that is around me without question, and I will not succumb to the negative.
So I say, with a positive outlook, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind......sigh
later.......
Starting over
Life is getting back to normal, but it's still hard. Bossman and I got out of sync for a while, and it seems to be hard for us to find the pattern we had before.
I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to get back to our life, to our discipline, to our spanking.
Spanking....last night was the first night. Can I say OUCH! Geez, my butt just wasn't ready for it, and it hurt from the get go. Here's the thing, we haven't been really active in the discipline area, Bossman has been giving me my space. Nice of him, but I feel like I won't ever go back if he doesn't insist. I feel like something is missing, but do I want to go back to that? I really do, but I don't. That just doesn't make any sense, but at least I'm saying it.
Anyway, back to last night. Bossman has this rule, it's a standing rule, one that we both agree on. It's not that difficult, so it's not a problem. He doesn't like me wearing undies to bed. Now that seems like no big deal, but I tend to forget. And since we haven't really been doing the whole spanking thing...I sort of forgot. And wouldn't you know, he came to check, and I had them on....so he spanked. And, I say...ouch!
But let me say, I didn't go easy. I tried my hardest to get out of it. I tried to talk my way out, I tried guilting my way out. I tried saying, but we haven't been doing this...so it doesn't count...but Bossman would not take no for an answer.
shhhh...don't tell...but I'm glad. I don't like it when he lets me get away with stuff. Are we going back to every night of spanking...I'm not sure, but I think we are getting back into the swing of things....just the way I like it!
later......
I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to get back to our life, to our discipline, to our spanking.
Spanking....last night was the first night. Can I say OUCH! Geez, my butt just wasn't ready for it, and it hurt from the get go. Here's the thing, we haven't been really active in the discipline area, Bossman has been giving me my space. Nice of him, but I feel like I won't ever go back if he doesn't insist. I feel like something is missing, but do I want to go back to that? I really do, but I don't. That just doesn't make any sense, but at least I'm saying it.
Anyway, back to last night. Bossman has this rule, it's a standing rule, one that we both agree on. It's not that difficult, so it's not a problem. He doesn't like me wearing undies to bed. Now that seems like no big deal, but I tend to forget. And since we haven't really been doing the whole spanking thing...I sort of forgot. And wouldn't you know, he came to check, and I had them on....so he spanked. And, I say...ouch!
But let me say, I didn't go easy. I tried my hardest to get out of it. I tried to talk my way out, I tried guilting my way out. I tried saying, but we haven't been doing this...so it doesn't count...but Bossman would not take no for an answer.
shhhh...don't tell...but I'm glad. I don't like it when he lets me get away with stuff. Are we going back to every night of spanking...I'm not sure, but I think we are getting back into the swing of things....just the way I like it!
later......
getting back to normal
My Grandmas death was really hard. I went to Chicago for the funeral with my mom. It was weird. I met a lot of family that I had never met before. I have a great uncle, and I have great cousins, and I have extended family that I think are great! It's too bad that something like this had to happen for us all to get togerther. But we are in Ca. and they are in Il. Tough to get together when your that far apart. But I think the internet will help us stay in touch, so that's a good thing!
Getting back into life is something else. My mind can't get over the fact that my grandma is gone. My heart aches that I didn't have any more time with her. I'm disappointed that I couldn't talk to her more about her life. Going through old photos made me realize, there a photos of people that are probably related, but I'll never know who they are, because nobody bothered to ask. I know sadness is normal, but I'm tired of being sad. I try to get back to doing normal things, but I don't feel like doing anything! I hate going to work, I would love nothing more than to stay home all day and forget about life. Playing on the computer helps. It's like being in someone else's life. It's the Sims, and I'm going to write about them later.
I spoke at my Grandmas funeral. Then my cousin spoke. How weird was it for me to listen to someone else talk about how much they loved her? She was my grandma. My brother and sister and I called her Grandma. Now there was someone else calling her grandma. I was jealous. I admit it. It wasn't fair. They got to spend more time with her. But I realized that my grandma loved all of us the same. I could tell by the way they talked that she treated them the same. That made it better. I guess.
As far as Bossman and I, we are hanging in there. We aren't the same since I came back. Things are different. Maybe I'm different. I just want to get back to the way we were. It was good. Now it's not so good. But I have hope we will get better. Right now we just have to go through this. We will, I hope.
later.....
Getting back into life is something else. My mind can't get over the fact that my grandma is gone. My heart aches that I didn't have any more time with her. I'm disappointed that I couldn't talk to her more about her life. Going through old photos made me realize, there a photos of people that are probably related, but I'll never know who they are, because nobody bothered to ask. I know sadness is normal, but I'm tired of being sad. I try to get back to doing normal things, but I don't feel like doing anything! I hate going to work, I would love nothing more than to stay home all day and forget about life. Playing on the computer helps. It's like being in someone else's life. It's the Sims, and I'm going to write about them later.
I spoke at my Grandmas funeral. Then my cousin spoke. How weird was it for me to listen to someone else talk about how much they loved her? She was my grandma. My brother and sister and I called her Grandma. Now there was someone else calling her grandma. I was jealous. I admit it. It wasn't fair. They got to spend more time with her. But I realized that my grandma loved all of us the same. I could tell by the way they talked that she treated them the same. That made it better. I guess.
As far as Bossman and I, we are hanging in there. We aren't the same since I came back. Things are different. Maybe I'm different. I just want to get back to the way we were. It was good. Now it's not so good. But I have hope we will get better. Right now we just have to go through this. We will, I hope.
later.....
sadness
My grandma died yesterday. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. Everyone knows that death is coming, but somehow you never think it's going to happen to you. Or to someone you love. I can't believe shes gone. She was such a great lady. She was beautiful. I can only hope to be a beautiful as she was when I'm that age. She was fiesty. And onry. She was not afraid to tell it like it is. She was hard working. She was generous and strong and most of all, she was loved.
I never thought I would have to say goodbye to her. She was the type of person you just thought would be around forever. But she's gone. And somehow I have to say goodbye.
I remember when she came to visit us once, the wildchild was about 3 or 4 at the time. I took the wildchild with me to meet her at the park where they were having a dog show. The wildchild loved to wear lipstick, even when she was 3. So she was wearing bright red lipstick that my MIL had given her to play with. My grandma saw that lipstick and she very matter-of-factly, took some tissue and started wiping it off. But while she was wiping it, she was telling the wildchild that it was just a little too bright, and she was just "fixing" it. I laugh when I think about that day, for my daughter, being ever the polite little girl that she is, didn't say anything until my grandma was out of earshot, and then she said, "MOM, she wiped ALL my lipstick off!" I just chuckled and promised she could put more on when she got in the car. That was such a great day!
My grandma died in the best way possible. She had a little shoulder pain, she went to the doctor, while she was in the waiting room, waiting for a test result, she passed out, and died of a heart attack. Just like that, she was gone. She wasn't sick. She didn't have much pain. She just left, just like that. But at least she wasn't wearing dirty underpants. Because she was such a beautiful lady, she always looked great, and I'm sure she was all fixed up for seeing the doctor. The nurse told my mom she looked beautiful. She was the most beautiful 82 year old grandmother and great-grandmother around.
I loved her, and I will miss her. She was one of a kind.
I love you Grandma!
later.........
I never thought I would have to say goodbye to her. She was the type of person you just thought would be around forever. But she's gone. And somehow I have to say goodbye.
I remember when she came to visit us once, the wildchild was about 3 or 4 at the time. I took the wildchild with me to meet her at the park where they were having a dog show. The wildchild loved to wear lipstick, even when she was 3. So she was wearing bright red lipstick that my MIL had given her to play with. My grandma saw that lipstick and she very matter-of-factly, took some tissue and started wiping it off. But while she was wiping it, she was telling the wildchild that it was just a little too bright, and she was just "fixing" it. I laugh when I think about that day, for my daughter, being ever the polite little girl that she is, didn't say anything until my grandma was out of earshot, and then she said, "MOM, she wiped ALL my lipstick off!" I just chuckled and promised she could put more on when she got in the car. That was such a great day!
My grandma died in the best way possible. She had a little shoulder pain, she went to the doctor, while she was in the waiting room, waiting for a test result, she passed out, and died of a heart attack. Just like that, she was gone. She wasn't sick. She didn't have much pain. She just left, just like that. But at least she wasn't wearing dirty underpants. Because she was such a beautiful lady, she always looked great, and I'm sure she was all fixed up for seeing the doctor. The nurse told my mom she looked beautiful. She was the most beautiful 82 year old grandmother and great-grandmother around.
I loved her, and I will miss her. She was one of a kind.
I love you Grandma!
later.........
feelings
Feelings are tough for me. I have a hard time saying how I feel. Frankly I have a hard time even knowing what I feel at times. I often wonder if this is normal, or if I'm somehow emotionally deformed. So, the consequence is, Bossman never knows how I feel about stuff. I'm getting better at telling him things, but it's still really hard for me. There are these times when I just feel out of sorts, and I want to be left alone, but bless his heart, that's when he wants to comfort me. Then comes the conversation:
B: What's the matter
m: Nothing
B: Somthings wrong...what is it?
m: Nothing
I hate this conversation, yet I don't know how to get away from it. Because sometimes I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm thinking this has to do with hormones...those stupid woman things that push all our buttons at the same time and leave us feeling....confused.
So we are still doing the spankings. It's funny but they somehow make me feel....hhmmm...I'm going to try and say how I feel here.....they make me feel....safe. yes, safe seems like the word I'm looking for.
Funny how these things go, because at night, there are times when I wish we would skip the whole thing, but on the weekends when he doesn't spank, I feel....empty.
Something must be wrong with me, how can this be? How can one feel safe after spankings and empty without? That doesn't even make sense to me, but that's how it is.
later.............
B: What's the matter
m: Nothing
B: Somthings wrong...what is it?
m: Nothing
I hate this conversation, yet I don't know how to get away from it. Because sometimes I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm thinking this has to do with hormones...those stupid woman things that push all our buttons at the same time and leave us feeling....confused.
So we are still doing the spankings. It's funny but they somehow make me feel....hhmmm...I'm going to try and say how I feel here.....they make me feel....safe. yes, safe seems like the word I'm looking for.
Funny how these things go, because at night, there are times when I wish we would skip the whole thing, but on the weekends when he doesn't spank, I feel....empty.
Something must be wrong with me, how can this be? How can one feel safe after spankings and empty without? That doesn't even make sense to me, but that's how it is.
later.............
The good life
What exactly is the good life? Everybody seems to have their own opinion about the good life really is. My opinion is that the good life is when everyone is healthy, you bills are paid, and your cars can get you from one place to another without breaking down. I suppose having a full stomach is nice too.
Why is this world so worry about how much stuff they have? I don't need to have a big screen tv, and big SUV or fancy vacations to make me happy. All I need is some time on the beach. I really love the beach. I love the smell, I love the wind, I love feeling the sand between my toes. Watching the waves and looking out into the vastness of the ocean really puts perspective in my life. The ocean is so big that it makes my problems seem alot smaller.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind having the SUV or the big screen, but hey, I can be happy without all that stuff.
The nightly spankings continue, and I think Bossman likes doing it. This makes me very happy. I hate feeling like he's doing something just to please me, I want it to be something we both enjoy. I'm still working on all my issues surrounding the whole spanking thing, but over all it seems to be a good thing. Hopefully this will continue...
later........
Why is this world so worry about how much stuff they have? I don't need to have a big screen tv, and big SUV or fancy vacations to make me happy. All I need is some time on the beach. I really love the beach. I love the smell, I love the wind, I love feeling the sand between my toes. Watching the waves and looking out into the vastness of the ocean really puts perspective in my life. The ocean is so big that it makes my problems seem alot smaller.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind having the SUV or the big screen, but hey, I can be happy without all that stuff.
The nightly spankings continue, and I think Bossman likes doing it. This makes me very happy. I hate feeling like he's doing something just to please me, I want it to be something we both enjoy. I'm still working on all my issues surrounding the whole spanking thing, but over all it seems to be a good thing. Hopefully this will continue...
later........
Update
So, the little guy started 1st grade today! I'm officially home alone...and it's WEIRD! What the heck am I suppose to do with myself? I'm looking around, and all I can see is...I need to CLEAN!! My house is a wreck...so I need to clean and clean good. That isn't exactly what I had in mind while the children are in school, and since I'm typing this instead of cleaning, you can see I'm really excited at that prospect. *sigh*
Bossman is really the best husband ever. The comment that he made in a previous blog, just proves it. I read that and cried. I love you Bossman, and I'm yours forever!
The spankings continue, they are not really too bad, so my butt is surviving. Plus he's given me the weekends off. So lucky for me things are fine.
I feel I should talk about the severity of the "punishments". I don't feel like I'm actually punished, at least not right now, because we are doing it every night. But I like knowing that it's going to happen. I feel like Bossman is still very hesitate to spank too hard, because he doesn't want to hurt me. Now don't get me wrong, he spanks hard enough to get my attention, believe me, he's got my attention, but is it enough to keep me from wanting to change my behavior? That's a tough one to answer. I haven't actually felt it was enough. But I hesitate to say that, because that's like digging my own grave. I don't really want it worse, but...well...I don't know how to finish that.....
So I'll leave it like this. Things are great right now, and I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful husband that is willing to do anything to make me happy! Who can ask for more than that?
later..........
Bossman is really the best husband ever. The comment that he made in a previous blog, just proves it. I read that and cried. I love you Bossman, and I'm yours forever!
The spankings continue, they are not really too bad, so my butt is surviving. Plus he's given me the weekends off. So lucky for me things are fine.
I feel I should talk about the severity of the "punishments". I don't feel like I'm actually punished, at least not right now, because we are doing it every night. But I like knowing that it's going to happen. I feel like Bossman is still very hesitate to spank too hard, because he doesn't want to hurt me. Now don't get me wrong, he spanks hard enough to get my attention, believe me, he's got my attention, but is it enough to keep me from wanting to change my behavior? That's a tough one to answer. I haven't actually felt it was enough. But I hesitate to say that, because that's like digging my own grave. I don't really want it worse, but...well...I don't know how to finish that.....
So I'll leave it like this. Things are great right now, and I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful husband that is willing to do anything to make me happy! Who can ask for more than that?
later..........
Saying No
I hate saying no to someone. It's just not in my nature. I like helping people, I hate for people to be mad at me, and so I think if I say no, they will be mad. So I hate saying no.
That being said, my MIL asked us if they could move in with us. This may seem like an innocent request, but my IL's are not normal people. Also, the house is not big enough. So, we had to say no. But I can't help but feel bad that we had to say no. I know if we let them, I'd probably kill myself, or someone else, so I know it was the right decision, but I still can't let go of the guilt.
I grew up with very little family around us. I didn't have aunts or uncles or cousins, and my grandparents only came to visit once a year. So I think it's cool to have alot of family. My husband's family is a little bigger, but they are NOT normal. The put the "fun" in dysfuncional. I used to be very close with my MIL. But she has gotten really bad in her old age...about everything. She's sick all the time, she's hateful, and she's just not a nice person. Being around her gives me a stomach ache. So living with us is not an option for her. ( What the heck was she thinking?)
I don't even know where to go with the rest of this, so I'll stop for now.
later...
That being said, my MIL asked us if they could move in with us. This may seem like an innocent request, but my IL's are not normal people. Also, the house is not big enough. So, we had to say no. But I can't help but feel bad that we had to say no. I know if we let them, I'd probably kill myself, or someone else, so I know it was the right decision, but I still can't let go of the guilt.
I grew up with very little family around us. I didn't have aunts or uncles or cousins, and my grandparents only came to visit once a year. So I think it's cool to have alot of family. My husband's family is a little bigger, but they are NOT normal. The put the "fun" in dysfuncional. I used to be very close with my MIL. But she has gotten really bad in her old age...about everything. She's sick all the time, she's hateful, and she's just not a nice person. Being around her gives me a stomach ache. So living with us is not an option for her. ( What the heck was she thinking?)
I don't even know where to go with the rest of this, so I'll stop for now.
later...
Back to school
Since when did I have a child old enough for high school? I'm feeling very old and flustered that my child is actually about to start high school. I can remember starting high school, and it seems like yesterday. Wow, only 4 years until she graduates. (well I hope!) How is this possible? Time seems to be passing me by and a great rate of speed.
Ok, Bossman seems to be taking this whole d/d a step further. This is fine with me, but it's HARD. I want to be submissive. I feel submissive. But actually being submissive....that is hard. I haven't really wrote much about this subject, but I feel the time has come to express my feelings on this.
I really want Bossman to be the head of the house. That doesn't mean I want him bossing me around, and lucky for me, he isn't that way. But I would like to be held accountable for the things I do, or don't do. Does that make me weird? How weird is it to want to be held accountable for things? Is there such thing as a d/d relationship where the couples are still a team, but yet the husband is the head? Maybe that's just to opposite to make any sense.
I've read some interesting blogs about people that are in d/d relationships and they really seem to work. Which is what I wish we could be like. But then I read a blog and this couple tried d/d and at first they seemed really happy with it, but then it fell apart, and now they are much happier without it.
Is is just that I want to be spanked, or that I want the whole package? Maybe I don't really want the d/d, I just want the spanking part of it. But in order for me to justify the spanking, there has to be some sort of reason. Otherwise I feel too weird. Am I suppose to like spanking? There seems to be alot of people that like it...but I feel like it's wrong, so I have to make it right...right? Oh I don't know, if I can't explain it to myself, how can I explain it to Bossman?
So, Bossman has made it known that he's going to spank me everynight before bed. Believe it or not I look forward to this. Secretly, it turns me on just thinking about it all day. In reality, I feel ashamed that I like it. When the times comes I feel just like a kid. Again, I kinda like that. The spanking itself isn't really what turns me on. It's the whole package. I like my husband being dominate. That, in itself, really turns me on. Even though I've been reading about this stuff for years, I still can't explain it. I guess I'll just enjoy it, and stop trying to analyze it.
later......
Ok, Bossman seems to be taking this whole d/d a step further. This is fine with me, but it's HARD. I want to be submissive. I feel submissive. But actually being submissive....that is hard. I haven't really wrote much about this subject, but I feel the time has come to express my feelings on this.
I really want Bossman to be the head of the house. That doesn't mean I want him bossing me around, and lucky for me, he isn't that way. But I would like to be held accountable for the things I do, or don't do. Does that make me weird? How weird is it to want to be held accountable for things? Is there such thing as a d/d relationship where the couples are still a team, but yet the husband is the head? Maybe that's just to opposite to make any sense.
I've read some interesting blogs about people that are in d/d relationships and they really seem to work. Which is what I wish we could be like. But then I read a blog and this couple tried d/d and at first they seemed really happy with it, but then it fell apart, and now they are much happier without it.
Is is just that I want to be spanked, or that I want the whole package? Maybe I don't really want the d/d, I just want the spanking part of it. But in order for me to justify the spanking, there has to be some sort of reason. Otherwise I feel too weird. Am I suppose to like spanking? There seems to be alot of people that like it...but I feel like it's wrong, so I have to make it right...right? Oh I don't know, if I can't explain it to myself, how can I explain it to Bossman?
So, Bossman has made it known that he's going to spank me everynight before bed. Believe it or not I look forward to this. Secretly, it turns me on just thinking about it all day. In reality, I feel ashamed that I like it. When the times comes I feel just like a kid. Again, I kinda like that. The spanking itself isn't really what turns me on. It's the whole package. I like my husband being dominate. That, in itself, really turns me on. Even though I've been reading about this stuff for years, I still can't explain it. I guess I'll just enjoy it, and stop trying to analyze it.
later......
10 things I'd like to change about my life
1. I would lose 25lbs. (ok, I could probably do that, but it's just sooooo hard!)
2. I would try to be more patient with my kids. (especially my wildchild)
3. I would go back to school. Make something out of my life.
4. I would keep my house cleaner.
5. I would organize my life better
6. I would hug my bossman more
7. I wouldn't be so afraid to try new things.
8. I would laugh more
9. I wouldn't sweat the small stuff
10. I'd be more outgoing
Well, after working on the list for awhile, and re-reading it a bunch of times, it seems to be I could probably change most of these, if not all of these, things in my life. I guess I need to get busy.
later...........
2. I would try to be more patient with my kids. (especially my wildchild)
3. I would go back to school. Make something out of my life.
4. I would keep my house cleaner.
5. I would organize my life better
6. I would hug my bossman more
7. I wouldn't be so afraid to try new things.
8. I would laugh more
9. I wouldn't sweat the small stuff
10. I'd be more outgoing
Well, after working on the list for awhile, and re-reading it a bunch of times, it seems to be I could probably change most of these, if not all of these, things in my life. I guess I need to get busy.
later...........
Summer time blues
Ahhh, the joy of summer. The joy of having the kids home from school. (not) I just wish it was time for school to start again because I'm sick of having to entertain the little darlings.
The wildchild is starting highschool. This is scary. Last year was a mess. Lets just say, she is not really the "studious" type. Although I'm anxious for school to start again, I am not ready to worry about her and her grades.
I'm finding it hard to believe that I am old enough to have a highschooler. I am not old. But I can remember being my daughters age and thinking my mom was old. Arrggghh. What happened to me? I wasn't suppose to grow old.
Ok, so I've covered the kids, and now I'm up to the Bossman. We are so into this up and down stuff and getting rather tired of it. Why can't we just stay up for awhile? Up is nice, up is fun, up is happy! We have these cycles where we can be perfectly happy and in love, and everything is roses but then the next day we can be totally annoyed and not-so-happy with each other.
I wonder if I'm the only one that gets sick of being touched all the time? Does this make me a bad person? Because I feel bad that I'm not so lovey dovey. I feel like something is wrong with me. There are times when I'm changing my clothes that if Bossman is heading my direction I feel like hiding. And really what is so wrong with him coping a feel? There should be nothing wrong with that in the world. I should be happy that after 15 years of marriage my husband still wants to touch me. Others in the world should be so lucky. So why do I not feel so lucky? And I consider myself a sexual person. Maybe I'm just wishing I was a sexual person. Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm sexual, but really I'm not.
Sometimes I wonder if the way I perceive myself is not really the way I am. Maybe I just perceive myself the way I wish I was. Maybe I'm not sexual at all. I just wish I was. So I think I am. I think I'm a nice person, maybe I'm not.
There are certain things I want in my life. I'd like my husband to be more aggressive with me. I want him to be in control so I don't have to be. I don't like making decisions, I'd rather he made the decisions. I like the thought of being submissive. But am I really submissive? I ask myself this stuff everyday, and yet I can't figure it out.
I love being spanked. Ok, I take that back, I love the thought of being spanked. Actually being spanked....hhhmmm...I would say that sometimes I really like it, and sometimes I don't. I am so turned on by the thought of discipline and spanking, but reality is so much different than fantasy. This whole thing confuses me, and therefore I think it confuses Bossman.
I've been thinking alot about the past. The first time I met Bossman, the first time he kissed me. When we got married we were just kids. We didn't know what we were going to do with our lives, we were just happy to be living. Now things are so much more complicated. Kids, jobs, cars, money. We didn't really worry about all that back then, I mean who does? And although I would love to go back to that, I would only go back if I could take the knowledge I have with me. Because even though we have alot more stress and worry in our life, we are so much more in love now. We know so much more about each other. We've figured out that we can tell each other stuff, and it's ok. Although we've been married 15 years, with 3 years of dating before that, I believe that we have just come across all this wisedom about ourselves in the last 3 years. So it took 15 years to get to this point in our lives. It's no wonder that so many marriages fail. Maybe some people just can't wait that long. I just so grateful that we made it this far. I'm so looking forward to the future. I love my kids, but I'm really looking forward to the day when Bossman and I can be alone. Alone........what is that like?
later.......
Stupid is as stupid does
Stupid stupid stupid, how stupid is the world? I'm so sick of all the stupid people in the world. And furthermore....how do you live in a country where you don't speak the language, and not even no simple words?
Sample conversation, I have this one at least once a day.
Me: Are you turning in film to be developed?
them: Yea
Me: Would you like one-hour or regular service?
them: yes (while nodding head)
Me: Ok...umm, one-hour?
them: yes (still nodding)
Me: Ok, can I have your last name?
them: yes (still nodding)
Me: last name?
them: yes (while STILL NODDING THEIR HEAD!)
~sigh~ LEARN my language PLEASE!
Can I just say, nombre and name, sound a lot alike...so why do they not understand? telephono and telephone number, also sound a lot alike. WHAT is the problem? Is is me, or is it everyone else?
Ok, that's the end of my rant! I'm just so tired of stupid people!
Now back to your regular broadcasting......
later
Sample conversation, I have this one at least once a day.
Me: Are you turning in film to be developed?
them: Yea
Me: Would you like one-hour or regular service?
them: yes (while nodding head)
Me: Ok...umm, one-hour?
them: yes (still nodding)
Me: Ok, can I have your last name?
them: yes (still nodding)
Me: last name?
them: yes (while STILL NODDING THEIR HEAD!)
~sigh~ LEARN my language PLEASE!
Can I just say, nombre and name, sound a lot alike...so why do they not understand? telephono and telephone number, also sound a lot alike. WHAT is the problem? Is is me, or is it everyone else?
Ok, that's the end of my rant! I'm just so tired of stupid people!
Now back to your regular broadcasting......
later
Antsy
I'm feeling antsy. I have no other way to describe it, it's just antsy.
I was listening to the radio the other night on my way home from work and the song was about the south. It reminded me of some of the places I lived as a girl. Georgia and Kentucky to be specific. Anyway, I'm so itchy to go somewhere new, somewhere different, someplace other than here.
Although I'm happy with Bossman and the kids, I can't help but feel discontented. Am I discontented with my job? Or am I just getting cabin fever, doing the same things everyday, without changing? Maybe I'm just in a rut. I still wish I could move somewhere far away, but I think that's just me wanting to run away from life and it's problems. I think I need to make some changes, and quick.
Could this be why I'm suddenly in the mood to redecorate everything I see? I have this urge to by all new things, and move everything around. Problem is, this house is so small, things can really only be placed one way, and that's it. So my room has to be one way, and I can't do anything else with it. So instead I'm buying all new linens. That will be a change...right? right? ~sigh~ Will I ever be happy?
later........
I was listening to the radio the other night on my way home from work and the song was about the south. It reminded me of some of the places I lived as a girl. Georgia and Kentucky to be specific. Anyway, I'm so itchy to go somewhere new, somewhere different, someplace other than here.
Although I'm happy with Bossman and the kids, I can't help but feel discontented. Am I discontented with my job? Or am I just getting cabin fever, doing the same things everyday, without changing? Maybe I'm just in a rut. I still wish I could move somewhere far away, but I think that's just me wanting to run away from life and it's problems. I think I need to make some changes, and quick.
Could this be why I'm suddenly in the mood to redecorate everything I see? I have this urge to by all new things, and move everything around. Problem is, this house is so small, things can really only be placed one way, and that's it. So my room has to be one way, and I can't do anything else with it. So instead I'm buying all new linens. That will be a change...right? right? ~sigh~ Will I ever be happy?
later........
Convenience or commitment?
Deep down I realize, I'm loved. But somehow I feel I don't deserve it. Why does this happen? How does one accept that they are loved and deserve to be loved?
Bossman is so incredible to me. We had a wonderful heart to heart the other night, and I keep running all the things he said through my mind, trying to process what he said, and how it all makes me feel.
See, I have this theory that I was just a convenience for him and that he could do so much better than I, if I just wasn't in the way. Well, Bossman doesn't see it that way. (thank god)
Isn't it funny I could say all that, but not think I have low self esteem? But really, I like myself ok, and I think I'm a great person, I just feel like I'm holding him back.
I really need to work on that.
later.........
Bossman is so incredible to me. We had a wonderful heart to heart the other night, and I keep running all the things he said through my mind, trying to process what he said, and how it all makes me feel.
See, I have this theory that I was just a convenience for him and that he could do so much better than I, if I just wasn't in the way. Well, Bossman doesn't see it that way. (thank god)
Isn't it funny I could say all that, but not think I have low self esteem? But really, I like myself ok, and I think I'm a great person, I just feel like I'm holding him back.
I really need to work on that.
later.........
future
Today was a good day. It's one of those days when you could clearly see the future, and you realize, things will be ok.
When life has you down, you can't help but see all the negatives. It's hard to think about the future because your so self consumed with the here and now. So today was one of the days when even though things are still in turmoil, you can clearly see the future, and you realize, wow, things will get better.
The wildchild has taken a trip to Disneyland. She earned enough money to take a 3 day trip to Disney. Her best friend went with her. Talked to her today and she seems like she's having a good time.
Life keeps humming along!
later........
When life has you down, you can't help but see all the negatives. It's hard to think about the future because your so self consumed with the here and now. So today was one of the days when even though things are still in turmoil, you can clearly see the future, and you realize, wow, things will get better.
The wildchild has taken a trip to Disneyland. She earned enough money to take a 3 day trip to Disney. Her best friend went with her. Talked to her today and she seems like she's having a good time.
Life keeps humming along!
later........
Belonging
I've often felt like I don't really belong. When I say belong, I mean in my own family, sometimes even in my own body. I know that I belong to Bossman, for he has told me plenty of times, but I can't understand how he could want me. I feel like there is someone better out there for him and I'm holding him back from finding the real person that he belongs with. That seems so silly to think that, for I know he truly loves me, but I guess I don't feel good enough for him. Sometimes I don't feel good enough for even myself.
Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for something else, but I don't know what that is that I'm waiting for. I've often wondered....is this all there is? Is this really all there is in life? Just work, just kids, just this? You know when your waiting for christmas morning, so you can open all your presents....that's the way I feel sometimes, like I'm waiting for something to happen. Of course I'm usually not waiting for something good. I'm usually anticipating that something bad will happen. So I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Is this really all there is to life? Shouldn't there be a purpose to this life? I need to find the purpose. I really need to find that purpose.
later........
Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for something else, but I don't know what that is that I'm waiting for. I've often wondered....is this all there is? Is this really all there is in life? Just work, just kids, just this? You know when your waiting for christmas morning, so you can open all your presents....that's the way I feel sometimes, like I'm waiting for something to happen. Of course I'm usually not waiting for something good. I'm usually anticipating that something bad will happen. So I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Is this really all there is to life? Shouldn't there be a purpose to this life? I need to find the purpose. I really need to find that purpose.
later........
The fat, the tired and the pmsing.......
I feel so fat today. I hate being on my period and pmsing...and worst of all, I hate being so tired! Does this mean I'm getting old? I think I'm not going to answer that question.
Tomorrow is the last day of school. Thank goodness. I'm ready for a break from the homework headaches and worrying about the wildchilds grades. I'm ready to sleep in and just have some fun.
I've decided that the wildchild did not earn the graduation ceremony, so therefore I didn't really fight for her. At this point she's just lucky she's going to high school. I'm still worried about next year, but I had 3 different counselors tell me it wasn't a good idea to hold her back. So I'm taking my chances. I just hope she gets a clue!
Life is interesting...it just keeps getting better and better...lol
later.......
Tomorrow is the last day of school. Thank goodness. I'm ready for a break from the homework headaches and worrying about the wildchilds grades. I'm ready to sleep in and just have some fun.
I've decided that the wildchild did not earn the graduation ceremony, so therefore I didn't really fight for her. At this point she's just lucky she's going to high school. I'm still worried about next year, but I had 3 different counselors tell me it wasn't a good idea to hold her back. So I'm taking my chances. I just hope she gets a clue!
Life is interesting...it just keeps getting better and better...lol
later.......
The good, the bad and the ugly
Ok, the good news is the wildchild is going to 9th grade. The bad is that she can't graduate with her class. The ugly...there isn't even any summer school to help us out with this.
~sigh~ What's a mother to do? How does a school decide...hey you've achieved enough to pass, but sorry you can't celebrate with the rest of the class. If you ask me, this is a stupid rule. Either pass the child, let them participate, or fail the child, and hold them back a year. Why must there be this gray area of passing but not celebrating? This is one of the stupidest rules I've ever come across.
I'm not sure what to do next. Do I put up a fight? If I do, does that show I'm a supportive mother, or that I feel my daughter should be the exception to the rules? Does my daughter deserve to have the rules bent for her, even if it is the lamest rule I've ever come across? These are the things that I ask myself and worry about.
And since I'm on the subject, what the heck am I going to do next year? How am I going to cope with a high schooler that doesn't want to accomplish anything? Talk to the counselors and they say stupid things like...make a chart, draw up a contract, ect.. Do these things actually work for ANYBODY? I haven't found anyone yet that says this crap works.
Is it so bad that I just want my daughter to succeed in life? I just want her to be able to support herself in life and to be a decent adult. Is that really so much to ask? I'm not asking for a brain surgeon..although that would be nice.
I knew going in that this wasn't going to be easy, but I'm going to continue to push, because it's my job, and if I don't help her now, what will happen to her as an adult? She will succeed, even if it kills me!
later............
~sigh~ What's a mother to do? How does a school decide...hey you've achieved enough to pass, but sorry you can't celebrate with the rest of the class. If you ask me, this is a stupid rule. Either pass the child, let them participate, or fail the child, and hold them back a year. Why must there be this gray area of passing but not celebrating? This is one of the stupidest rules I've ever come across.
I'm not sure what to do next. Do I put up a fight? If I do, does that show I'm a supportive mother, or that I feel my daughter should be the exception to the rules? Does my daughter deserve to have the rules bent for her, even if it is the lamest rule I've ever come across? These are the things that I ask myself and worry about.
And since I'm on the subject, what the heck am I going to do next year? How am I going to cope with a high schooler that doesn't want to accomplish anything? Talk to the counselors and they say stupid things like...make a chart, draw up a contract, ect.. Do these things actually work for ANYBODY? I haven't found anyone yet that says this crap works.
Is it so bad that I just want my daughter to succeed in life? I just want her to be able to support herself in life and to be a decent adult. Is that really so much to ask? I'm not asking for a brain surgeon..although that would be nice.
I knew going in that this wasn't going to be easy, but I'm going to continue to push, because it's my job, and if I don't help her now, what will happen to her as an adult? She will succeed, even if it kills me!
later............
work, work, work
I have to run to work, so this will be a short post.
The car broke down again..... I told you cars were disposable. But how lucky are we? A friend just bought a new car and said we could have his old one. Can you believe THAT? It's just too good to be true.
Update on wildchild. She is going to high school. She may not get to participate in the gradutation ceremony for 8th grade, but she is going on. We have really debated this issue...and I'll go into it more in the next post......
Now I really have to go to work.
later............
The car broke down again..... I told you cars were disposable. But how lucky are we? A friend just bought a new car and said we could have his old one. Can you believe THAT? It's just too good to be true.
Update on wildchild. She is going to high school. She may not get to participate in the gradutation ceremony for 8th grade, but she is going on. We have really debated this issue...and I'll go into it more in the next post......
Now I really have to go to work.
later............
Normal?
Well, the birthday week is officially over! So life can get back to normal, whatever normal is.
Well, I got word yesterday that the wildchild will be going on to 9th grade. She won't get to participate in the graduation ceremony, but she will move on to the next grade.
Does this make sense? No, why would you pass a child on to the next grade but not let them participate in the ceremony? I have no idea what the purpose of that is.
Now, my dilemma. What do I do now? I don't really think she's ready for high school. But the school said that she was to mature to hold back. Too mature? In whose book? Not mine. I think she is immature and I think she's going to suffer in high school. I'm trying to decide the best route to take, I have 2 weeks to decide. So I guess I'm going to talk with her school further, and then I think I'll talk to the high school counselor, and then I'll compare what they say and go from there.
Why are people allowed to have kids? Nobody told me it was going to be this hard. There was no test I had to take to see if I was ready to be a parent. They don't come with instructions. They just pop (ok, it was not just a pop...but for conversations sake....)out and expect you to know everything. It's not fair. I'm not the type that enjoys dealing with all this stuff, and frankly, I'd rather have my teeth pulled that deal with all this stuff, but is that an option? Not really, unless I want to have no teeth when dealing with all this stuff...LOL
Well, I'm sure I figure something out. Bossman is sort of just going along with everything I say, so he must think my ideas are good. He'd tell me if they weren't. (I hope) Life is never dull around here.
later........
Well, I got word yesterday that the wildchild will be going on to 9th grade. She won't get to participate in the graduation ceremony, but she will move on to the next grade.
Does this make sense? No, why would you pass a child on to the next grade but not let them participate in the ceremony? I have no idea what the purpose of that is.
Now, my dilemma. What do I do now? I don't really think she's ready for high school. But the school said that she was to mature to hold back. Too mature? In whose book? Not mine. I think she is immature and I think she's going to suffer in high school. I'm trying to decide the best route to take, I have 2 weeks to decide. So I guess I'm going to talk with her school further, and then I think I'll talk to the high school counselor, and then I'll compare what they say and go from there.
Why are people allowed to have kids? Nobody told me it was going to be this hard. There was no test I had to take to see if I was ready to be a parent. They don't come with instructions. They just pop (ok, it was not just a pop...but for conversations sake....)out and expect you to know everything. It's not fair. I'm not the type that enjoys dealing with all this stuff, and frankly, I'd rather have my teeth pulled that deal with all this stuff, but is that an option? Not really, unless I want to have no teeth when dealing with all this stuff...LOL
Well, I'm sure I figure something out. Bossman is sort of just going along with everything I say, so he must think my ideas are good. He'd tell me if they weren't. (I hope) Life is never dull around here.
later........
100 things about Me
1. I'm a Taurus
2. I don't believe in astrology
3. I'm good friends with God
4. I go to church on Saturday
5. I have 2 wonderful children
6. They are a girl and boy
7. The only man I've ever slept with is Bossman
8. I don't think I missed anything
9. I get annoyed with stupid people easily
10. I can't hold a grudge against someone
11. I'm extremely forgiving
12. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt
13 I'm tall and used to wish I was short
14 I like being tall now
15 I never used drugs...ever
16 I've never smoked
17 I don't like the taste of alcohol
18 I played the cymbals in the marching band in high school
19 I love to sing for church
20 Survivor is my favorite TV show
21 I cry at weddings
22 My favorite dessert is cheesecake
23 Bossman makes me laugh
24 I don't like sucking cock
25 I will suck Bossman if it's clean and shaved
26 I like being spanked
27 I love reading
28 My favorite books are the Outlander series
29 Clan of the cave bear is my second favorite book series
30 My favorite movie is "Officer and a Gentleman"
31 I love musicals
32 Grease is my favorite musical movie
33 I think Richard Gere is hot
34 Bossman is my first and only love
35 I was a cheerleader in 4th grade
36 My parents made me play basketball because I was tall...I sucked
37 My father left when I was 5
38 I didn't meet him again until I was 22
39 I still don't like him
40 My first car was a yellow Ford Fiesta
41 My first brand new car was a blue Chevy Sprint
42 I went to 8 different schools by the time I was in high school
43 I've lived in 5 states and Germany
44 Bossman and I have lived in 9 different homes
45 Bossman and I have been married 15 years
46 I love him more than when we got married
47 I do not like people standing in front of the stores selling something or trying to make you sign something
48 I can't stand watching people talk with their mouths full
50 I went to 3 different proms
51 2 of them were with Bossman
52 I wore the same dress to 2 of them
53 I still have one of my prom dresses
54 The wildchild thinks its ugly
55 I saved my wedding dress for my daughter
56 I collect dolls
57 I also collect heart shaped jewelry boxes
58 I've never met another person with my name
59 My mother was a hippy
60 I'm hooked on reality TV, Survivor is the best show ever.
61 I hated the "swan"
62 I love country music
63 Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw are my favorites
64 Bossman and I do not have the same taste in music
65 my favorite color is blue
66 I met a friend on yahoo chat 7 years ago, and we've never met
67 I hope to meet her someday
68 I used to have a cat named Mr. Bill
69 I love the beach
70 It's the only place I can put things in perspective
71 Bossman is my best friend
72 I hate housework
73 I hate cooking
74 I love eating
75 I need to lose 20lbs
76 The weight on my drivers license is wrong
77 That weight is now my goal
78 I hate spending money
79 I love window shopping
80 Having my kids was the best thing I ever did in my life
81 Marrying Bossman was the best decision I ever made
82 I enjoy good gossip
83 I once met Richard Simmons
84 Yes, he's like that everywhere he goes
85 I haven't been to the movies this whole year
86 I hate it when people don't like me, even if I don't know them
87 My recliner makes me very happy
88 Fat people in spandex make me sick
89 I hate feet. I think feet are gross, and I can't stand anyone even touching my feet. YUCK!
90 I am a SIM freak....I love the Sims and could play the SIM game for hours without stopping.
91 I hate my double chin.
92 I wanted to be a teacher when I got older
93 I am now old and I don't think I'll be a teacher
94 I was a girl scout and a brownie
95 I consider myself to be a good girl
96 I like kinky sex
97 I have very ugly toes
98 Ebay is my favorite place to shop
99 I don't think I can think of anything else to say about myself
100 My kids are my life (did I say that?)
Whew, I didn't think I could think of 100 things about myself. That was hard.
later.....
2. I don't believe in astrology
3. I'm good friends with God
4. I go to church on Saturday
5. I have 2 wonderful children
6. They are a girl and boy
7. The only man I've ever slept with is Bossman
8. I don't think I missed anything
9. I get annoyed with stupid people easily
10. I can't hold a grudge against someone
11. I'm extremely forgiving
12. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt
13 I'm tall and used to wish I was short
14 I like being tall now
15 I never used drugs...ever
16 I've never smoked
17 I don't like the taste of alcohol
18 I played the cymbals in the marching band in high school
19 I love to sing for church
20 Survivor is my favorite TV show
21 I cry at weddings
22 My favorite dessert is cheesecake
23 Bossman makes me laugh
24 I don't like sucking cock
25 I will suck Bossman if it's clean and shaved
26 I like being spanked
27 I love reading
28 My favorite books are the Outlander series
29 Clan of the cave bear is my second favorite book series
30 My favorite movie is "Officer and a Gentleman"
31 I love musicals
32 Grease is my favorite musical movie
33 I think Richard Gere is hot
34 Bossman is my first and only love
35 I was a cheerleader in 4th grade
36 My parents made me play basketball because I was tall...I sucked
37 My father left when I was 5
38 I didn't meet him again until I was 22
39 I still don't like him
40 My first car was a yellow Ford Fiesta
41 My first brand new car was a blue Chevy Sprint
42 I went to 8 different schools by the time I was in high school
43 I've lived in 5 states and Germany
44 Bossman and I have lived in 9 different homes
45 Bossman and I have been married 15 years
46 I love him more than when we got married
47 I do not like people standing in front of the stores selling something or trying to make you sign something
48 I can't stand watching people talk with their mouths full
50 I went to 3 different proms
51 2 of them were with Bossman
52 I wore the same dress to 2 of them
53 I still have one of my prom dresses
54 The wildchild thinks its ugly
55 I saved my wedding dress for my daughter
56 I collect dolls
57 I also collect heart shaped jewelry boxes
58 I've never met another person with my name
59 My mother was a hippy
60 I'm hooked on reality TV, Survivor is the best show ever.
61 I hated the "swan"
62 I love country music
63 Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw are my favorites
64 Bossman and I do not have the same taste in music
65 my favorite color is blue
66 I met a friend on yahoo chat 7 years ago, and we've never met
67 I hope to meet her someday
68 I used to have a cat named Mr. Bill
69 I love the beach
70 It's the only place I can put things in perspective
71 Bossman is my best friend
72 I hate housework
73 I hate cooking
74 I love eating
75 I need to lose 20lbs
76 The weight on my drivers license is wrong
77 That weight is now my goal
78 I hate spending money
79 I love window shopping
80 Having my kids was the best thing I ever did in my life
81 Marrying Bossman was the best decision I ever made
82 I enjoy good gossip
83 I once met Richard Simmons
84 Yes, he's like that everywhere he goes
85 I haven't been to the movies this whole year
86 I hate it when people don't like me, even if I don't know them
87 My recliner makes me very happy
88 Fat people in spandex make me sick
89 I hate feet. I think feet are gross, and I can't stand anyone even touching my feet. YUCK!
90 I am a SIM freak....I love the Sims and could play the SIM game for hours without stopping.
91 I hate my double chin.
92 I wanted to be a teacher when I got older
93 I am now old and I don't think I'll be a teacher
94 I was a girl scout and a brownie
95 I consider myself to be a good girl
96 I like kinky sex
97 I have very ugly toes
98 Ebay is my favorite place to shop
99 I don't think I can think of anything else to say about myself
100 My kids are my life (did I say that?)
Whew, I didn't think I could think of 100 things about myself. That was hard.
later.....
Birthday weekend
My children birthdays are never just one day. It usually lasts at least a week.
First there is the family party. This entails having the whole gang here at once. Is this fun? Not really, but we do it for the kids.
Second is the party at school. This requires mom to bring some sort of goodie to the class. Most of the time, I make something. This year I'm going with store bought all the way.
Third, the party with the friends. Since I've taken my son to waaaayyyy too many birthday parties this month, we've decided NOT to have a friend party this year. This has caused me tremendous guilt, but I am also pretty relieved. Instead we are talking the little guy to the miniature golf place. This may sound like fun, but only if you like lots of noise. All those video games in one room....it should really be outlawed. (Ok, now I'm just showing my age...cuz that is something my mom would have said.)
Anyway, this is the birthday weekend...Who said he could grow up anyway?
later.......
First there is the family party. This entails having the whole gang here at once. Is this fun? Not really, but we do it for the kids.
Second is the party at school. This requires mom to bring some sort of goodie to the class. Most of the time, I make something. This year I'm going with store bought all the way.
Third, the party with the friends. Since I've taken my son to waaaayyyy too many birthday parties this month, we've decided NOT to have a friend party this year. This has caused me tremendous guilt, but I am also pretty relieved. Instead we are talking the little guy to the miniature golf place. This may sound like fun, but only if you like lots of noise. All those video games in one room....it should really be outlawed. (Ok, now I'm just showing my age...cuz that is something my mom would have said.)
Anyway, this is the birthday weekend...Who said he could grow up anyway?
later.......
Stupid people suck
I'm so sick of stupid people! The world is reeking of stupid people that have crap for brains. Working with the public makes this fact more clear every single day.
Customer: How much does it cost to develop this roll of film?
Me: The prices are here (points) here and here........
Customer: But how much is it for doubles?
Me: The prices are here (again points to the same spot) here and here......
Customer: How long will it take to develop it if I put it in the one-hour developing?
Me: ONE HOUR....hence the name "One hour photo"...
customer: How long if I put it in the 2 day service?
Me: TWO FREAKING DAYS...you moron!
Customer: Can you wipe my butt after I go to the bathroom?
Me: I'd be happy to, and thanks for shopping at wal-mart!
Anyway, as you can clearly see....the IQ of the people I deal with is about the same as my shoe size. Unfortunately, this conversation is one I hold at least 5 times a day. I've perfected the fake smile and I've managed to keep myself from choking the customers to death on the spot.
I believe this is such a direct result of the cutbacks in school funding. If we are going to continue cutting the schools then we are going to continue to produce stupid people. It's not really a hard concept to grasp, but apparently the government is having a hard time grasping this notion. With our country as rich and thriving as it is...why is it only the rich people can go to college? Why is it so hard for the poor people to get ahead in the world? If it were up to me, I would make colleges just like public schools....free. Maybe we would reduce the welfare people and maybe...just maybe I would get people in wal-mart that can read the signs. ~sigh~ That will be the day!
later......
Customer: How much does it cost to develop this roll of film?
Me: The prices are here (points) here and here........
Customer: But how much is it for doubles?
Me: The prices are here (again points to the same spot) here and here......
Customer: How long will it take to develop it if I put it in the one-hour developing?
Me: ONE HOUR....hence the name "One hour photo"...
customer: How long if I put it in the 2 day service?
Me: TWO FREAKING DAYS...you moron!
Customer: Can you wipe my butt after I go to the bathroom?
Me: I'd be happy to, and thanks for shopping at wal-mart!
Anyway, as you can clearly see....the IQ of the people I deal with is about the same as my shoe size. Unfortunately, this conversation is one I hold at least 5 times a day. I've perfected the fake smile and I've managed to keep myself from choking the customers to death on the spot.
I believe this is such a direct result of the cutbacks in school funding. If we are going to continue cutting the schools then we are going to continue to produce stupid people. It's not really a hard concept to grasp, but apparently the government is having a hard time grasping this notion. With our country as rich and thriving as it is...why is it only the rich people can go to college? Why is it so hard for the poor people to get ahead in the world? If it were up to me, I would make colleges just like public schools....free. Maybe we would reduce the welfare people and maybe...just maybe I would get people in wal-mart that can read the signs. ~sigh~ That will be the day!
later......
Love is in the air
Last night Bossman came home and gave me some gummy lifesavers and a card. Now that might not seem like a big deal to some people, but it brought tears to my eyes. (Not the gummies, the card) He wrote in the card that he was put on this planet to love me forever! How sweet was that??!
It's such a nice surprise to realize someone was thinking of you, for no reason other than they love you. Even though we've been married for 15 years, I can't help but be surprised by stuff like that. It really makes me feel loved and appreciated.
And then reality steps in.
Of course I had a big fight with the wildchild last night. I have been so nice to her the last couple of days, and she just takes complete advantage of me. I have to ask her 10 times to do anything. She thinks if she procrastinate long enough I'll forget I asked her to do it. It's typical teenage stuff, and I know that, and she isn't really a bad kid, but I sometimes I just can't take it anymore. I'm not someone that makes her do endless chores, she only has to clean her bathroom and bedroom and she does the dishes every other day. PLEASE, that is NOTHING!!! And yet she acts like I'm treating her like Cinderella. SHEEZ....I can only wish I had it that good as a kid.
Oh well, I'm only human, and trying to do the best I can for my kids. If it's not good enough...well, it's all I've got.
later.........
It's such a nice surprise to realize someone was thinking of you, for no reason other than they love you. Even though we've been married for 15 years, I can't help but be surprised by stuff like that. It really makes me feel loved and appreciated.
And then reality steps in.
Of course I had a big fight with the wildchild last night. I have been so nice to her the last couple of days, and she just takes complete advantage of me. I have to ask her 10 times to do anything. She thinks if she procrastinate long enough I'll forget I asked her to do it. It's typical teenage stuff, and I know that, and she isn't really a bad kid, but I sometimes I just can't take it anymore. I'm not someone that makes her do endless chores, she only has to clean her bathroom and bedroom and she does the dishes every other day. PLEASE, that is NOTHING!!! And yet she acts like I'm treating her like Cinderella. SHEEZ....I can only wish I had it that good as a kid.
Oh well, I'm only human, and trying to do the best I can for my kids. If it's not good enough...well, it's all I've got.
later.........
A star is born!
Ahhhhh, the joy of watching a kindergarten production. Is there anything cuter than that? My son was the star of the show, leading the audience in the national anthem. My son hit notes so high I thought I heard a window breaking in the background. When did he get so big? He's absolutely amazing! I was definitely a proud momma!
These kids are amazing, and the teachers are awesome. I don't think we appreciate the time and effort these teachers give to our kids. I KNOW they don't get paid enough. I mean..as cute as most of these kids are, there is always a monster or two in the group. But I'm telling you, these kids were wonderful. The were so cute, and I couldn't help wonder what they will be like as teens. I mean, the wildchild was cute as a button in kindergarten, but look at her now.....
Well, I salute all the teachers in the world. Without them we'd know nothing!
later........
These kids are amazing, and the teachers are awesome. I don't think we appreciate the time and effort these teachers give to our kids. I KNOW they don't get paid enough. I mean..as cute as most of these kids are, there is always a monster or two in the group. But I'm telling you, these kids were wonderful. The were so cute, and I couldn't help wonder what they will be like as teens. I mean, the wildchild was cute as a button in kindergarten, but look at her now.....
Well, I salute all the teachers in the world. Without them we'd know nothing!
later........
Growing up is hard to do (for the parents)
My son is in the final days of kindergarten. Tonight his class is putting on a performance for the parents. My son, my baby, is leading the group in the National anthem. I can't stand it. He's not suppose to be growing up. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. It was 6 years ago this June. Other than my daughters birth, it was one of the best days of my life. My son was born.
When I first got pregnant I thought I wanted another daughter. Hey, I knew girls. I am a girl, I already had a girl. Girls rock! So when I had an ultrasound and they said it's a boy, I was disappointed! I was shocked. I couldn't believe I was having a boy. What the heck was I going to do with a BOY?? I know nothing about boys. Boys don't wear frilly dresses and curl their hair. Boys don't play with barbies and baby dolls. Boys don't like to play dress up. So there I was, wondering what I was going to do with a boy. And then he was born. My my my, I was so wrong! Boys are absolutely wonderful! My son is so loving, kind, and considerate. He LOVES nascar and army guys. He loves anything related to war, but tells me he won't be army because he just doesn't want to be shot. He knows more about WWII than I do. He's just the best. And now he's growing up. He's moving past the baby stage and he's becoming a "big kid".
He's perfectly ready for the challenge. He's more than willing to conquer the world. I'm not so ready. I don't want him to become hard and tough. I don't want him to loose his innocents. The day he was born, I whispered sweet nothings in his ear. I also whispered that he was not allowed to grow up. I just wanted him to stay, small and innocent. He didn't listen, he grew up anyway. ~sigh~ He's growing up way to fast, and I'm just not ready. Not yet.
later........
When I first got pregnant I thought I wanted another daughter. Hey, I knew girls. I am a girl, I already had a girl. Girls rock! So when I had an ultrasound and they said it's a boy, I was disappointed! I was shocked. I couldn't believe I was having a boy. What the heck was I going to do with a BOY?? I know nothing about boys. Boys don't wear frilly dresses and curl their hair. Boys don't play with barbies and baby dolls. Boys don't like to play dress up. So there I was, wondering what I was going to do with a boy. And then he was born. My my my, I was so wrong! Boys are absolutely wonderful! My son is so loving, kind, and considerate. He LOVES nascar and army guys. He loves anything related to war, but tells me he won't be army because he just doesn't want to be shot. He knows more about WWII than I do. He's just the best. And now he's growing up. He's moving past the baby stage and he's becoming a "big kid".
He's perfectly ready for the challenge. He's more than willing to conquer the world. I'm not so ready. I don't want him to become hard and tough. I don't want him to loose his innocents. The day he was born, I whispered sweet nothings in his ear. I also whispered that he was not allowed to grow up. I just wanted him to stay, small and innocent. He didn't listen, he grew up anyway. ~sigh~ He's growing up way to fast, and I'm just not ready. Not yet.
later........
Perspective
Just when you think your life is really crappy, you find someone whose life is even crappier than yours.
It just goes to show that really your life isn't so bad after all.
There is a woman that I know that is dying of cancer. Now I don't know her well, but I do know her. She's dying, right now, as I type this out. Doesn't that put your own life in perspective? It makes me realize that my life is awesome! I have a wonderful husband, 2 really good kids, I'm healthy, I have a roof over my head and food on my table. What else is important besides these things? If you think about it....nothing else matters.
So today, I'm going to embrace my life. I'm going to appreciate my health, my life, my kids and my husband. I'm going to try and apprieciate the crabby customers that come to my store tonight. (ok, that might be harder than it sounds...lol) But I'm really going to try. And when the urge to feel sorry for myself strikes, I'm going to remember the woman that is dying. I'm going to pray that she is peaceful and not in pain, and I'm going to remember that I am blessed.
Well, I can try anyway,
later.........
It just goes to show that really your life isn't so bad after all.
There is a woman that I know that is dying of cancer. Now I don't know her well, but I do know her. She's dying, right now, as I type this out. Doesn't that put your own life in perspective? It makes me realize that my life is awesome! I have a wonderful husband, 2 really good kids, I'm healthy, I have a roof over my head and food on my table. What else is important besides these things? If you think about it....nothing else matters.
So today, I'm going to embrace my life. I'm going to appreciate my health, my life, my kids and my husband. I'm going to try and apprieciate the crabby customers that come to my store tonight. (ok, that might be harder than it sounds...lol) But I'm really going to try. And when the urge to feel sorry for myself strikes, I'm going to remember the woman that is dying. I'm going to pray that she is peaceful and not in pain, and I'm going to remember that I am blessed.
Well, I can try anyway,
later.........
Celebrate life
Today is a new day. So I decided to celebrate the day instead of cursing it....of course I'm still upset about the carmel kisses!
Although I'm in a decent mood today, I'm still pondering life. Actually, I'm pondering happiness. Is there anybody in this world that is happy? I mean, where does true happiness lie? Is it family and friends? (both of which are not making me very happy right now) Or maybe how much stuff you have. Nah, can't be that, look Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson. Could it be that happiness is just an illusion? Maybe happiness is just something that comes and goes...some days are happy, some not so happy. Or maybe it's that I can never be satisfied with my life, I'm always looking for something better, therefore I'm never truly happy with the here and now. Hmmm..that's sad, I think I should start working on that....maybe we all should.
later.......
Although I'm in a decent mood today, I'm still pondering life. Actually, I'm pondering happiness. Is there anybody in this world that is happy? I mean, where does true happiness lie? Is it family and friends? (both of which are not making me very happy right now) Or maybe how much stuff you have. Nah, can't be that, look Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson. Could it be that happiness is just an illusion? Maybe happiness is just something that comes and goes...some days are happy, some not so happy. Or maybe it's that I can never be satisfied with my life, I'm always looking for something better, therefore I'm never truly happy with the here and now. Hmmm..that's sad, I think I should start working on that....maybe we all should.
later.......
10 Good Things
10 good things that happened today.
1. I got to leave work an hour early.
2. hhhmmm...I can't think of anything else...
10 bad things that happened today.
1. I had to get up early for work.
2. I had to come home to a messy house.
3. I got the wrong order from Taco bell, and didn't have time to go back and fix it.
4. My kids ate all my carmel kisses.
5. My kids ate all the cookies.
6. I'm on my period.
7. My kids ate my carmel kisses.
8. The laundry fairy didn't come today. (come to think of it, the laundry fairy never comes to my house.)
9. I can't think of anything important to say.
10. My kids ate my carmel kisses. (I may have already mentioned that before...but it's very upseting when it's that time of month and you run out of chocolate. )
Well, isn't it sad when you can think of lots of bad things in your life and you can't think of the good stuff? Surely there is good stuff. But see, I don't just want to say all the normal good stuff, you know, like, I love my kids, my family is all healthy...blah blah blah...I want something really good to say, as a matter of fact, I wish I had a whole LIST of good stuff to say. But life is such a downer lately that thinking of good stuff just makes my head hurt, and doesn't make me feel very good at all.
Well, the good news is, this too shall pass...it always does.
later.........
1. I got to leave work an hour early.
2. hhhmmm...I can't think of anything else...
10 bad things that happened today.
1. I had to get up early for work.
2. I had to come home to a messy house.
3. I got the wrong order from Taco bell, and didn't have time to go back and fix it.
4. My kids ate all my carmel kisses.
5. My kids ate all the cookies.
6. I'm on my period.
7. My kids ate my carmel kisses.
8. The laundry fairy didn't come today. (come to think of it, the laundry fairy never comes to my house.)
9. I can't think of anything important to say.
10. My kids ate my carmel kisses. (I may have already mentioned that before...but it's very upseting when it's that time of month and you run out of chocolate. )
Well, isn't it sad when you can think of lots of bad things in your life and you can't think of the good stuff? Surely there is good stuff. But see, I don't just want to say all the normal good stuff, you know, like, I love my kids, my family is all healthy...blah blah blah...I want something really good to say, as a matter of fact, I wish I had a whole LIST of good stuff to say. But life is such a downer lately that thinking of good stuff just makes my head hurt, and doesn't make me feel very good at all.
Well, the good news is, this too shall pass...it always does.
later.........
Almost 40
Ok...it's offical, I'm almost 40.
It's not so bad really. I mean, I don't feel older, I don't think I look older, at least I hope not. My daughter probably wouldn't agree with that. Why is it when your a kid or a teen you think anyone over 20 is old? Then when you finally get to be "old" you really feel like, hey I'm not old, this is young!
So, the wildchild is getting F's in most of her classes. Which really means I don't think she's moving on to high school. I keep remembering when she was a baby, I thought, gosh, she is so perfect. I'll never let her get in trouble. She'll get good grades, be the popular cheerleader, and she'll never have a messy room. HA HA HA! What was I thinking? Who was I trying to fool? She is completely opposite of that. And you know what, she's not so bad. She's a good kid, she has a good heart, and she is really beautiful. The bad grades and messy room, they are little things compared to what she could be. She could be pregnant, on drugs, and shoplifting. So I have to get over the fact she may not make it to high school this year. But why do I feel like such a failure? I mean really, Bossman and I have done everything we can think of to help her. We've had her tested, we've talked to all the teachers, (numurous times) we've had meeting, we have her get her book signed, shoot, we've grounded her from everything. Sigh~ We've done it all. And she has done nothing. That's the bottom line, she's lazy and doesn't want to do the work. Too bad we can't open her brain and insert all the material, but alas, techology isn't that advanced yet.
Have I ever said how lucky I am? Bossman is crazy about me. Although we've been married 15 years, it still amazing to me how much he loves me. Actually, it's scary. I don't feel like I can ever measure up to his adoration. Am I even worthy of his love? I don't feel worthy. That's what it all boils down to....I don't feel worthy.
Something to think about.
Later.........
It's not so bad really. I mean, I don't feel older, I don't think I look older, at least I hope not. My daughter probably wouldn't agree with that. Why is it when your a kid or a teen you think anyone over 20 is old? Then when you finally get to be "old" you really feel like, hey I'm not old, this is young!
So, the wildchild is getting F's in most of her classes. Which really means I don't think she's moving on to high school. I keep remembering when she was a baby, I thought, gosh, she is so perfect. I'll never let her get in trouble. She'll get good grades, be the popular cheerleader, and she'll never have a messy room. HA HA HA! What was I thinking? Who was I trying to fool? She is completely opposite of that. And you know what, she's not so bad. She's a good kid, she has a good heart, and she is really beautiful. The bad grades and messy room, they are little things compared to what she could be. She could be pregnant, on drugs, and shoplifting. So I have to get over the fact she may not make it to high school this year. But why do I feel like such a failure? I mean really, Bossman and I have done everything we can think of to help her. We've had her tested, we've talked to all the teachers, (numurous times) we've had meeting, we have her get her book signed, shoot, we've grounded her from everything. Sigh~ We've done it all. And she has done nothing. That's the bottom line, she's lazy and doesn't want to do the work. Too bad we can't open her brain and insert all the material, but alas, techology isn't that advanced yet.
Have I ever said how lucky I am? Bossman is crazy about me. Although we've been married 15 years, it still amazing to me how much he loves me. Actually, it's scary. I don't feel like I can ever measure up to his adoration. Am I even worthy of his love? I don't feel worthy. That's what it all boils down to....I don't feel worthy.
Something to think about.
Later.........
Melancholy birthday
What is it about birthdays? Although I'm not really upset about getting older...I mean we can't help that can we? I get very melencholy around my birthday. I've only got 2 more days to be 35 and then I'm almost to 40! When you were 18, did you ever think you'd be 36? Geesh, I remember my mom at that age.
Anyway, I'm feeling like time is passing me by, my world is just the same thing over and over, and I feel like I'm just watching the parade pass me by. Somebody keeps hitting the repeat button. How do I turn it off? How do I make something exciting happen? I'm still trying to figure that out.
The kids are getting older now. My baby boy is not such a baby anymore. He reads, he does math, he has thoughts and feelings. He's so darn smart! The wildchild is on the brink of adulthood. She's 13 going on 21. She's hopfully going to highschool in the fall. How did this happen? When did she become this beautiful creature? When did she stop being a little girl? Sigh....like I said, the parade is passing me by.........
later.........
Anyway, I'm feeling like time is passing me by, my world is just the same thing over and over, and I feel like I'm just watching the parade pass me by. Somebody keeps hitting the repeat button. How do I turn it off? How do I make something exciting happen? I'm still trying to figure that out.
The kids are getting older now. My baby boy is not such a baby anymore. He reads, he does math, he has thoughts and feelings. He's so darn smart! The wildchild is on the brink of adulthood. She's 13 going on 21. She's hopfully going to highschool in the fall. How did this happen? When did she become this beautiful creature? When did she stop being a little girl? Sigh....like I said, the parade is passing me by.........
later.........
Ah money money money......why must I always have to worry about money?
I should just win the lottery....that would solve everything...right?
My guess is, even if you have alot of money, that doesn't solve all your problems...right Michael J? Right Kobe? That's what I thought.
But it's amazing how life seems to be great, but inside you feel like your about to die. I feel like I'm living a double life. I'm this person that has everyone fooled that I'm happy and content with my life, but really, I wish I could run away and be someone else. Isn't it funny how we wish we could be someone else, but if we really knew it all we would know that the other person has problems worse than the ones we have?
Do we ever acheive full happiness? Is there anyone in this world that is completely happy and has NO problems? I don't think we are destined for that. I think Adam and Eve ruined that for everyone. Thanks guys! I think I just depressed myself more. Must be my bed time.
later.........
I should just win the lottery....that would solve everything...right?
My guess is, even if you have alot of money, that doesn't solve all your problems...right Michael J? Right Kobe? That's what I thought.
But it's amazing how life seems to be great, but inside you feel like your about to die. I feel like I'm living a double life. I'm this person that has everyone fooled that I'm happy and content with my life, but really, I wish I could run away and be someone else. Isn't it funny how we wish we could be someone else, but if we really knew it all we would know that the other person has problems worse than the ones we have?
Do we ever acheive full happiness? Is there anyone in this world that is completely happy and has NO problems? I don't think we are destined for that. I think Adam and Eve ruined that for everyone. Thanks guys! I think I just depressed myself more. Must be my bed time.
later.........
Hmmm...why am I so down today? It's a beautiful day, sunny and warm. My kids are healthy, Bossman is healthy, I'm healthy. So why the blues? Why am I so uncontent with life? I feel the need to jump in my car and drive far far away. I feel the need to run away...start over, make a change. But where do I begin? How do I even begin to change....what should I change first? It's overwhelming to even think about. Blah blah blah...that's what today is...one big BLAH!
later.........
later.........
This has been a crazy week. I feel like I've been pulled and pushed everywhere and I just want to sit. That's all...just sit and sit some more. Wouldn't it be lovely if we all had a time of day when it was mandatory that we sit? Sort of like in the spanish cultures when they close everything down in the afternoon for a siesta. I really think they have the right idea. Hmmm...maybe I should move there?
I got spanked last night. He had to use the darn backscracher and I HATE that thing. Funny thing is, it hurt like a dickens but as soon as it was over, I was fine...didn't even hurt when I sat down. But geez, I hate that thing.
Bossman got a lawnmower at a yard sale today for free. Can't beat free. And it actually works! We want to fix up the back yard because we have a small pool on layaway and we want the yard to be decent if we are planning on spending time back there. The grass is horrible back there. Well, can't beat a free lawnmower.
later.............
I got spanked last night. He had to use the darn backscracher and I HATE that thing. Funny thing is, it hurt like a dickens but as soon as it was over, I was fine...didn't even hurt when I sat down. But geez, I hate that thing.
Bossman got a lawnmower at a yard sale today for free. Can't beat free. And it actually works! We want to fix up the back yard because we have a small pool on layaway and we want the yard to be decent if we are planning on spending time back there. The grass is horrible back there. Well, can't beat a free lawnmower.
later.............
Ok, I survived the weekend, but just barely! My MIL is a nut case and you have to be very careful what you say around her, or all hell will break loose and everything will be ruined.
I've been having these dreams of moving far away. Starting over, new town, new schools, new house, new church, everything new! Wouldn't that be wonderful? Of course I would miss my family, and I have one really good friend that I would miss terribly, but I just feel the need to start again. I feel like every day is exactly the same, I have nothing to look forward to except yelling at the kids, worrying about money and trying to make Bossman happy.
Speaking of him, he is in a mood. He gets in these moods if he feels I'm not being loving enough or if he doesn't get enough sex. Luckily these moods pass fairly quickly and all is happy in Graceland again!
I've been having these dreams of moving far away. Starting over, new town, new schools, new house, new church, everything new! Wouldn't that be wonderful? Of course I would miss my family, and I have one really good friend that I would miss terribly, but I just feel the need to start again. I feel like every day is exactly the same, I have nothing to look forward to except yelling at the kids, worrying about money and trying to make Bossman happy.
Speaking of him, he is in a mood. He gets in these moods if he feels I'm not being loving enough or if he doesn't get enough sex. Luckily these moods pass fairly quickly and all is happy in Graceland again!
Well well well, here I am again. Life sure does change minute by minute around here. The little guy got sick the other night, and the wildchild now has it bad! Poor thing has been sick all night and can't hold down water. My hall has been thrown up on way too much. Why oh why can't they make it to the toilet?
Bossman and I made love this morning. It's funny how we work. We get mad at each other, and then we make love. I don't think I'm a very good wife. I think I'm very selfish. How do I change that? It's so hard to change yourself. I KNOW how I want to be, but I don't know how to make myself be that way. I would like to be more subserveant, but I'm to independant to be that way. This doesn't even make much sense, but it's who I am. So how do I change that? The thing I wrote about the other day, about him touching me when I'm doing other things...I've been thinking about that. Is that really such a bad thing? Why do I get so upset by it? Why can't I just let him cop a feel and then move on? Why does everything have to be such a struggle. UGH, I hate feeling like this. It feels like I can't control myself, and I hate being out of control. <<< see what I just typed? I hate being out of control...but yet I want to be controlled? How does this make sense? It doesn't! And that's my life.....nothing makes sense!
later............
Bossman and I made love this morning. It's funny how we work. We get mad at each other, and then we make love. I don't think I'm a very good wife. I think I'm very selfish. How do I change that? It's so hard to change yourself. I KNOW how I want to be, but I don't know how to make myself be that way. I would like to be more subserveant, but I'm to independant to be that way. This doesn't even make much sense, but it's who I am. So how do I change that? The thing I wrote about the other day, about him touching me when I'm doing other things...I've been thinking about that. Is that really such a bad thing? Why do I get so upset by it? Why can't I just let him cop a feel and then move on? Why does everything have to be such a struggle. UGH, I hate feeling like this. It feels like I can't control myself, and I hate being out of control. <<< see what I just typed? I hate being out of control...but yet I want to be controlled? How does this make sense? It doesn't! And that's my life.....nothing makes sense!
later............
ok...so this week has been much better than the last. So why would I still be feeling down? I think it's because I can never count on anything. Nothing is for sure...I mean anything could happen. I could check the bank account right now and there would be no money. That's the way my life works.
Here's the other problem. I like to be spanked. If I'm not spanked regularly, I get cranky. Isn't that wierd? I hate admitting that. It's just not normal. But then I go to my spanking sites, and everyone there is happily discussing spanking, and everything seems normal again. Bossman seems happy spanking me, but I still feel wierd even talking about it with him. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I like this kind of stuff. To top everything else off, being a church girl doesn't help much. Does God think this is too kinky? Is it ok as long as your doing it with your husband? Maybe God doesn't like this and I won't get to heaven. Maybe when the judgement is called, he'll look at me and say "sorry, your way to kinky to be in heaven." ~sigh~ I don't know.
later.........
Here's the other problem. I like to be spanked. If I'm not spanked regularly, I get cranky. Isn't that wierd? I hate admitting that. It's just not normal. But then I go to my spanking sites, and everyone there is happily discussing spanking, and everything seems normal again. Bossman seems happy spanking me, but I still feel wierd even talking about it with him. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I like this kind of stuff. To top everything else off, being a church girl doesn't help much. Does God think this is too kinky? Is it ok as long as your doing it with your husband? Maybe God doesn't like this and I won't get to heaven. Maybe when the judgement is called, he'll look at me and say "sorry, your way to kinky to be in heaven." ~sigh~ I don't know.
later.........
Life has a strange way of going up and down faster than a roller coaster. Why does that happen? I'm so sick of things being so down lately, and I really have a hard time snapping out of the downers.
Now about my relationship with Bossman. What can I say? We get along really well, the only thing we really fight about is sex. Is that bad? I think we have a good sex life. We have sex 2 or 3 times a week. Doesn't that seem like enough? But he gets really upset when I turn him down. I'll try and get ready for something and he will come in and start fondling my breasts. I get so annoyed when he does that, and he sees I'm annoyed so then he gets mad. Then, guess what happens next...the day is ruined! Then I start second guessing myself. I think, I should have just went with it, then he wouldn't be in a bad mood. But it is so frustrating.
What's a gal to do?
Well, life calls, so I'll have to finish this up tomorrow,
later...........
Now about my relationship with Bossman. What can I say? We get along really well, the only thing we really fight about is sex. Is that bad? I think we have a good sex life. We have sex 2 or 3 times a week. Doesn't that seem like enough? But he gets really upset when I turn him down. I'll try and get ready for something and he will come in and start fondling my breasts. I get so annoyed when he does that, and he sees I'm annoyed so then he gets mad. Then, guess what happens next...the day is ruined! Then I start second guessing myself. I think, I should have just went with it, then he wouldn't be in a bad mood. But it is so frustrating.
What's a gal to do?
Well, life calls, so I'll have to finish this up tomorrow,
later...........
Well, well, well, this has been an interesting week. Are cars suppose to be disposible? nah, I didn't think so.
The car situation is really upsetting. It's not very fun driving around in a car that you feel may break down at any moment. I've already been stranded on the side of the road 2 different times this past year, and I'm not looking forward to doing that again.
The wildchild is still not doing well in school, I think she is living in the state of denial. I think she's thinking that her teachers love her so much that they will pass her even if she doesn't do all the work. She is having loads of fun being in the play at school, even if she isn't one of the main parts.
The little guy still doing very well. He's extremely smart and is very worried about doing everything perfect. The other night we watched a movie and it had a part that was sort of scarey and he told me not to worry, it was only fiction. For a little guy that's only 5 that was a pretty important word.
Well, this has been fun, but it's time for me to take the little guy to school, so I'll see ya,
later..........
The car situation is really upsetting. It's not very fun driving around in a car that you feel may break down at any moment. I've already been stranded on the side of the road 2 different times this past year, and I'm not looking forward to doing that again.
The wildchild is still not doing well in school, I think she is living in the state of denial. I think she's thinking that her teachers love her so much that they will pass her even if she doesn't do all the work. She is having loads of fun being in the play at school, even if she isn't one of the main parts.
The little guy still doing very well. He's extremely smart and is very worried about doing everything perfect. The other night we watched a movie and it had a part that was sort of scarey and he told me not to worry, it was only fiction. For a little guy that's only 5 that was a pretty important word.
Well, this has been fun, but it's time for me to take the little guy to school, so I'll see ya,
later..........
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