limbo

So much is going on in my life right now....where should I begin?

I could start out by telling you what's going on with the cancer. That could be a good place to begin...

I could tell you how my daughter got fired from her job and then found another in less than a week. Yep, I could tell you about that.....

I could tell you how Bossman won a trip to Hawaii. Now, that is a good story.....

I could tell you how Bossman took me to Santa Monica for Valentines day and we ate at the same resturant that we ate at with PK, Ceeci and Eva....

I could even tell you about the newest member of our family.....we broke down and got a dog!

Yes, it seems I have a lot of places I could begin.....

I think I'll begin by saying how great you guys are! I've gotten emails and comments from you all and they have been so uplifting. I love getting little notes just telling me that you are thinking of me. How cool is that? Someone is thinking of me! Little ole' me! I'd like to thank you all for stopping by and sending me some love....it's greatly appreciated!

Now, let's just get the cancer stuff out of the way. I've been healing nicely. Wearing a bra 24/7 is NOT fun at all! I was extremely uncomfortable. I'm able to sleep without one now and can I just say it's been heaven! Since the surgery, I've been waiting on a test to determine whether or not I'll need chemo. The test is four thousand dollars, if the insurance doesn't pay. Mine paid! YAY for my insurance. I know that health insurance companies get a bad rap but you know what? I am SOOOOOO grateful to have health insurance and I'm even more grateful that mine has paid for everything so far. I think the only thing I've had to pay was a 20 dollar co-pay. How lucky am I? I can't imagine having to go through this without my insurance.

I've been in limbo since the surgery waiting for this test and TODAY....today I got the results! The test is either low, medium or high. If you get a high, you need chemo because the chances of the cancer coming back or being in other parts of your body is high. If you get a medium, you have to make a choice and it's a tough one. You have to decide if you want to take the chance. You don't have to have the chemo, but it's a risk. If you get low...well, I think you can probably guess, this means you probably don't have to have chemo.

Mine came back....(drum roll please......)



LOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ok, I'm very excited....but....and there is always a butt...right?

My surgeon is the one that called me with the news. She says she thinks I won't need chemo BUT, I still have to see the oncologist. He will crunch the numbers.....yes, I'm serious....it's all numbers, and then tell me what he thinks about the chemo. So, she (my surgeon) doesn't know for sure, but the test is LOW.....so that is a good thing. NO, wait....that's a GREAT thing!

So, today I celebrate the news and stand confident that whatever happens, it's going to be OK!

As for all the other stuff I have to tell you.....that's going to have to wait until later...I've got celebrating to do!

I promise I'll be back soon with details and maybe even a pic or two of our new girl.

Celebrate with me today! Do something nice for yourself!

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So the story goes...

Monday was interesting...to say the least. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. First I went to the mammo place...which is across the street from the hospital. There, they mammoed me and while I was still being squashed, they inserted two wires....one in each tumor. Then they injected me with some radioactive stuff, so they could find my sentinal lymph node...which is the first lymph node.

Then, they plopped me into a wheelchair and hauled me across the street to the hospital. Seriously, across the street, where people were driving in cars and walking and stuff. Good grief! The wire part wasn't really bad, I think the biopsy I had a couple of weeks ago was worse. But going across the street in a wheelchair....I admit...I was laughing at myself!

Once I got across the street, they put in the IV and then we had to wait to get pictures of my lymph nodes, so they could find the one to take out. After they got the pictures, they took me in to surgery. Now, I went pee right before they wheeled me in for surgery....and this is important because....

I remember waking up once. I think they woke me up and then put me under again because I remember waking up and having to pee. I kept saying I have to pee and I think I did pee....but yet I wasn't wet when I finally woke up. Could have been a dream...but I don't think so. When I woke up, I had to pee again. BTW, my pee is the color of windex. And my poo....well lets just say.... Very pretty!

Anyway, I came home after that. They had to take extra tissue, so I have a drain, hopefully it comes out tomorrow. As for the rest, I feel like a truck ran over my boob, but it's really only sore when I move. I know, I know...just don't move! LOL

The doc called today and said that one of the tumors is a little more aggressive than the other. I'll have some more tests run on the tumors to find out how aggressive and if I'll need chemo. But, as soon as I heal I will start the radiation...fun, fun times!

I appreciate all the love and concern. If I didn't, I wouldn't have taken the time to type all this out cuz.....this ain't comfy! But I love you guys and I didn't want you to worry.

I'm not sure when I'll be back. I think I'll feel better when the drain is out but I don't know if I'll get it out tomorrow or Friday. Depends on how much drains tonight.

Oh and by the way......no spidey powers! AND, although my pee looked like smurf pee...I did not turn into smurfette. Bummer!

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Did you get the guys number that ran over my boob?

There were some highlights and low lights to today's events. Unfortunately, I'm too tired to write any of them right now.

So, I'll leave you with:

The lymph nodes were clean. They took a little more tissue out than they thought, so I have a drain.

And, my pee is the same color as Windex.

Results on all the tests will be available Wed.

Until then....you'll find me on the couch, not moving my left arm.

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Let's roll...

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired.
Martin Luther


See you on the flip side!

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thoughts in the middle of the night

I'm awake and I figured I should write because my brain won't shut off.

I just want to thank my angel, Ceeci, for creating this beautiful place to write. I can't stop coming by here, just to look at it. It's amazing and I never could have made this work. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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When I wasn't feeling giddy over my new home in blogger land....I was feeling a little like this:

I feel like I'm on a cliff and I'm about to jump off. I can't see what's at the bottom, but everyone assures me that it's going to be fine and I just need to jump.

See, Monday, life will change for me. I've been living my normal life for almost 3 weeks with cancer. I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. So, life goes on.

Now, I must jump off the cliff.

It must be like having a baby. You find out your pregnant and everyone tells you that life will change, but you really don't have any idea how different life will be until the day the baby is born. Once it's born, your life is changed forever.

Cancer must be like that too. Once I have the surgery, life will change. Even after I heal, life will be changed. I will forever be worried about cancer. I will forever be looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next call.

Truthfully? I don't want to jump off the cliff. I like it here. I can see what's going to happen here. I can turn on the light and the scary things disappear. I can't see what's down at the bottom of the cliff. And even if you tell me it's going to be ok....you don't really know that for certain. Nobody does.

I'd like to go back please. Back to Jan 14, the day before I found out I had cancer.

Back when I didn't have to worry about serious things.

Like cancer.

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My kind of statue!

Please read the previous post if you haven't. I'm really interested in what you would do if faced with a similar situation. Everyone had a different thought on it and each thought gives me something more to think about. I think with a decision like this, I should consider all the possibilities!

Now....lets talk about failblog.org.

I LOVE this site. Every single day there is something new on there that makes me laugh. Really, if you want or need a good laugh, spend some time at this site. Trust me, you won't be sorry.

So, I found this picture over there. Whoever posted it, thinks it's a fail, but personally.....I think it's a WIN!





What do you think?

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genes

Funny. When I wrote the post yesterday, I didn't realize how it sounded. When I said I wanted a spanking cancer blog....in my head I was saying spanking AND cancer blog, not a "I'm going to spank cancer blog."

It turns out, that is exactly what I meant. I am going to spank the cancer. I'm going to spank it right out of my body! The strop, backscratcher and paddle are all things that the cancer deserves....and more.

I have to admit. I'm a little worried about how all this cancer stuff is going to affect me. Since the cancer I have is fed by estrogen, it looks like I'll be taking an anti-estrogen medicine....for at least 5 years. Apparently it blocks the estrogen from attaching to the breast tissue. I'll still have some estrogen. Apparently the side effects include all the menopausal stuff. So, early menopause, here I come. What has me worried is how this will affect my sex life. I KNOW. Sounds stupid when I'm fighting cancer to be worried about my sex life...but lets face it...it IS an important part of my life.

I don't want to lose that part of me. I don't want to lose what is between Bossman and me. I don't want to lose the spanking either. That was why I decided to keep this a spanking, cancer, blog. Because I'm hoping that spanking will still be a part of my life and I hope I spank the cancer too!

Yesterday, I had a blood test. This test is to test my genes. They want to see if I carry the gene that makes breast and ovarian cancer hereditary. Since I'm so young, and I don't know my full family health history (my father was adopted) they just want to see if I carry the gene. My doctor thinks I probably don't have the gene...but for peace of mind, we want to see if I do.

If I do....well, the reoccurance of breast cancer and ovarian cancer skyrocket. Some people opt to have their healthy breasts and ovaries removed when they have this gene. The general population has an 8 percent chance of getting breast cancer, if you have the gene...your chances go up to 87 percent.

I won't find out the results for a couple of weeks. If I have the gene, my sister and my children have a 50 percent chance of also having the gene.

So what do you think? Knowing the odds, would you opt to have a full double mastectomy if you had the gene? If you had an 87 percent chance of getting cancer...what would you do?

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under construction

I feel like my life is under construction. I still have wants and desires... like spanking...but I can't ignore my health issues either.

I wasn't sure if I should make a new blog...keep this blog or have two blogs.

In the end...I've decided this will be a spanking cancer blog.

Now, if I can just figure out how to make a template that reflects both things at once.

I lost my old template.....this one looks like I threw up pepto all over it.

I'm frustrated right now....so ignore me and my construction!

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random bits

People have been sending me lovely cards in the mail. I love getting mail. Although birthday cards are a lot more fun to receive, cards are cards and I am touched that people would take the time to mail me something.

I did get a rather disturbing card. It's from a lovely lady that goes to my church. She's a real sweet-heart, so I know the card came from the right place...but nevertheless, it's disturbing. It's a sympathy card. Complete with words like..."in your time of sorrow" and "with all my sympathy". As I was reading it, a thought crossed my mind. WHO DIED? Thank goodness I have a sense of humor! I know it was given from a place of love and concern, but geez....it just was a little too much! Oh well.

Also, while we are talking about things inappropriate....let's talk about another woman from my church. (Listen, I know I shouldn't gossip...but really, this stuff is priceless! It must be shared!) Anyway, this lady that goes to my church is sort of on the annoying side. She's nice enough, but there have been some incidents that have...well...let's just say, she's really annoying! She called one night and I wasn't home. I thought I dodged the bullet. NOPE. She called back and I didn't know it was her. Now....don't get me wrong. It is very, very nice of her to call and find out how I was doing. I appreciate all the kind thoughts and well wishes. BUT....some people just don't know what to say.

She starts out by asking how I was doing. I tell her I'm fine....just waiting around for surgery. I ask how she is doing. 10 minutes later, I have found out all about her problems...including, arm surgery, knee surgery, her husbands gout and her dogs digestive problems. Then...and this is the part that makes me laugh. She tells me to keep my chin up and that I need to watch funny movies. That's right...funny movies. She tells me it will help me feel better. Also, she said I should tell jokes as then I will be able to make everyone around me feel better.

Um, seriously?

I get that humor makes people feel better. I've heard that. It makes sense that you wouldn't want to be depressed all the time and funny things are good for the soul....but...but...

Oh man. I just want you to know that it took a lot of strength to not LAUGH my ASS off right there on the phone.

You know what....just thinking about that phone call makes me feel SOOOOOOOO much better!

*disclaimer* I know she meant well, they all do. Frankly, both the card and the call made my day! I got a great laugh from both! And really, that's what it's all about~

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