failed at being submissive

Hello!  Long time, no see. 

Writing has become a chore.  It has become something that I have to work at. I haven't felt the urge to write because things haven't been good in our relationship.

So I sit here staring at a screen, the cursor blinking, waiting for the letters and words to come pouring out.

Part of me wants to write it all out.  I want to lay it all out for everyone to see.  Part of me wants to keep it hidden...embarrassed to have to admit that things aren't going well.

And they aren't.  Going well, that is.

Also, as I struggle to admit that things aren't going well, I wonder how much I should spill here.  Because honestly, there are things I'd like to say, without Bossman reading it.  There are deep feelings that I don't feel like admitting to him right now.  I wish I could keep it private from him.

Who am I kidding?  He doesn't read here.  Besides, we've talked.  He pretty much knows what's going on.

So, how do I even begin?  I don't know how to start a post explaining how bad our relationship is right now.  I don't know how to admit that spanking is probably over, for good.  I can't begin to describe how hurt and upset that makes me.  It makes me sick thinking about it.  Maybe this is the part that I don't want Bossman to know.  I don't want him to know how devastated I am that this part of our relationship is ending.

I know what you are thinking.  You are wondering what happened.

I wonder the same thing. 

How did this happen?  I never expected it.  I didn't think this would happen to us. 

So how did we get here? 

It all started when Bossman decided to use spanking for something serious that was between us. 

See, I don't like being touched, or should I say groped.  I don't like washing the dishes and having him come up behind me and grab my boobs.  I don't like changing my top in front of him because I know he'll try to grab them, or tweak them or something.

I just don't like it.  Nothing will ever change it.  Not even spanking.  We tried it....and when it didn't work, Bossman gave up.  He decided that if I couldn't submit to that, what was the point?  Because if I was truly submissive, then he could decide what to use spanking for, not me.  If I decide that, then I'm in control.

Now, don't get the wrong idea.  He is just a normal man, with normal feelings toward his wife.  He wants to be able to touch me whenever he wants.  I get that.  BUT, I can't change my feelings.  I can't do it.  I tried....I tried so hard!  But I just couldn't.  It's just so hard!!!! 

I feel so sad!  I caused this.  I couldn't be submissive enough and that is what I wanted to be all along.  I let myself down and I let my husband down.  This is my fault.  My husband was just doing what I wanted.  And I failed!

Since this happened....(early summer) Things have been bad between us.  Nothing mean or nasty, more like we've turned into roommates.  He's waiting for me to make a move.  He wants me to initiate sex.  He stopped touching me completely.  I feel like he's given up on me.

This is the opposite of what it should be. 

What's next?  I just wish we could go back.  Back to the way things were.  Things were good then.  They weren't perfect, but they were way better than they are now. 

We are trying, trying to figure out how it's going to be between us now. 

I'm just so mad at myself.

And really, really sad.