getting real

This was the last comment made on my last post. Guess who wrote it?

My only comment is your first paragraph you asked for people to still think of you as a good person. I ponder how when you first started this blog you just wrote random thoughts without caring what people thought of you. Even though we communicate 110% I kinda wish I had a place to read your inner-unedited thoughts about stuff. You've got an awesome group of friends, just realize that I and I'm sure your friends will appreciate you no matter what you say. Love ya Babe!!

Interesting thought from an interesting reader. (I've heard he's quite handsome too!)

Anyway, he's right. I DO have an awesome group of friends! If you're reading this, you are one of them whether you comment or not.

As for the innermost unedited thoughts.....

Point taken!

So watch out, inner most thoughts are about to arrive.

I NEED spanking in my life.

Here's the deal. We haven't had much spanking in our relationship lately. Actually, I think I've only had 1 spanking since our anniversary.

At first I thought, that's ok. I don't mind. I didn't even think about it that much. I still read blogs and spanking things, but honestly, I wasn't that crushed that I wasn't participating. I really was ok with it.

Then....

On Monday, for some reason, Bossman and I ended up home alone. I honestly didn't even have spanking on my mind. I was busy doing something very important. (probably watching tv.) Bossman walks in and takes my hand. Now, when I'm sitting on my butt watching tv busy doing something important and Bossman grabs my hand like that, I KNOW what it means. I was really surprised.

So he took me into the bedroom with the pretense of spanking me because I forgot to take out the trash can on trash day after he asked me to do it. SORRY, I forgot! It really wasn't my fault. It usually isn't my job. He always does it. Furthermore, he was rushing out the door when he asked me. So, it was Super easy to forget. Not really a spank-worthy moment, if you ask me. But he decided to spank me that day.

Now, I have some thoughts about that.

I wasn't really prepared. I was under the impression that we were NOT really going to engage in the spanking part of our life for awhile, and I was ok with that. I am the type of person that likes to know what is going to happen. I like to plan things. I like to be in the KNOW. I want to know where I stand.

So I don't like things thrown at me unexpected. When he came to me and said "I'm going to spank you" I was thrown for a loop.

I guess this would fall under the category of consistancy. I don't want to be spanked for random things. I want to KNOW that spankings WILL happen if certain things aren't taken care of. I want to know that I am being held accountable. I don't want to be held accountable sometimes, I want ALL or nothing.

Ok, not true. I'll take sometimes. Sometimes is better than nothing.

But here is the biggest problem. After he spanked me that day, I couldn't help but wanting MORE. Suddenly my mind was consumed with spanking. I wanted to read everything I could about spanking, related to spanking. I was became obsessed. I went to blogs that I love, blogs that I hardly read, new blogs that I have been wanting to read, but haven't been in the mood for. (thanks Reesa)

So, what do I do with THAT? I really, really want spanking in my life. But spanking doesn't fit into our life right now. Once in awhile we may have time, but overall, it just doesn't seem that it will work very well.

I guess I just need to be happy with what I get. I don't know where to put my want or need. I don't know how to put it aside. I can put it aside short term, but I guess I can never really set it aside forever.

I guess it all boils down to this:

Once a spanko, always a spanko.

later.....