The talk

Our house is about 3 hours away from where we stayed with the girls, down in LA. We had a lot of time to talk during the car ride home.

First we talked about our trip. I won't tell you too much about that, for it deserves to be posted on LA Kink. Needless to say, we had a LOT to say about our trip, and it was all GOOD!

About half way through our trip, we started talking about domestic discipline. I had talked a little about Cassie and how it seemed to me that she and Tom and a pretty traditional d/d relationship. Bossman wanted to know what I meant by that. What makes their relationship different than ours. I gave a few examples and he didn't get it. He said it sounded like a dictatorship. I, on the other hand, don't see it as such, at all. But I was having a hard time explaining it to HIM.

See, we may have been at this for a long time, but in reality, we still don't get it.

Anyway, I was trying to explain myself, when I remembered a post from dwcmikes. I can't link just the one post, so scroll down to July 19th, if you care to read the article (and comment that I made to it.) Also July 24 gives Mikes response to some of the comments (including mine). If you want to go directly to his blog, his link is on my sidebar under spanked hubby.

One of the main questions that caught my attention in the article is this:

How can you spank a person as discipline, if they enjoy being spanked?

So while explaining myself to Bossman, I remembered this question and when I asked Bossman the question, he wanted to know the answer himself. So, I told him MY answer, the one I gave in the comments. My answer was this:

I want to be spanked and I want it to be for a reason. Otherwise, it's kinky, and lord knows I don't want to be considered kinky.

The reality is, I like spanking and I get turned on by spanking. Saying it's for discipline makes it seem better. Makes it seem not so weird. Justifies it, in my mind.

So, as much as I'd love to say that I get spanked for discipline, if I want to be true to myself, I'd have to say that I'm spanked because I like it.

Fantasy, reality, sometimes it's hard to separate the two.

Generally, this is how I feel about the whole thing. I want to be spanked. I think I want it to be for a reason, but do I want to be that submissive? Do I want to listen to everything he says and be punished if I don't? That's a very good question, one that I can't answer.

So, after coming to that conclusion, Bossman made a couple of suggestions. Nothing drastic, but we are going to try and implement more d/d into our life.

He's going to make a greater effort in spanking me when he knows I deserve it and he's going to try and make it count. (meaning, it's gonna HURT) We are not going to make rules or stuff of that nature. We already know that doesn't work for us. But there are certain things in our life that I could do a better job at. There are things that annoy him that I need to be more aware of. (walking ahead of him at the store, leaving him behind)

So we are going to try it. I hate even saying it, for it seems we've been down this road before, and we never quite get the hang of it.

But, I'm willing to try. I so want this to work.

Could it be that what I want to be and what I am, are two different things? If that's the case, how do you change the way you are...the way you have always been? If you do change, does that change who you really are? Are you being true to yourself? Which you is the "real" you? How do you know for sure who the real you is?

I guess I just have to see what works and go from there.....

Wish us luck!