It seems everything I write about these days is depressing and boring. 2010 is just not my year!
I can't tell you how many times people have said I look good. I guess when you find out someone has cancer....you think they are going to look bad or something. I suppose if I was having chemo, I might look bad....but since I get to keep my hair, I guess I look good. It's nice of people to say, but sometimes I wonder....did I look bad before? I think I look the same, but heck, what do I know?
D isn't good. Last weekend was bitter sweet. I kept thinking (to myself) that this might be the last time I see her. She's not bed ridden yet, but the docs have said there is nothing more they can do for her. I kept wishing time could stand still. My mind kept randoming thinking about how life will be when she's gone. She was wearing flip flops and I kept thinking about her toes and how unfair it was to her toes that she was going to die and her toes were so pretty and so young looking and how unfair for her toes to have to die along with her. Toes? I was thinking about her toes? Is this really how people think when a loved one is dying? Or have I just jumped into the deep end without my floaties?
As a human, (why yes, I am, in fact, a human) I can't help but question why. I know there isn't an answer that would satisfy me, but still. People are always saying that we are suppose to learn things from death and from dying and from having bad things happen.
A story was told to me about a husband that was watching his wife die. As this was happening, someone told him that maybe this was so he could learn to be more compassionate. Maybe now, he would be more compassionate to others. His response? I don't want to learn that lesson....I just want my wife to live.
If there is a lesson to be learned from what is going on with D, or for that matter, with myself....I don't want to learn it. Is the lesson really what's important here? Maybe.....but I just want D to live. Surely there is an easier way to learn lessons. And really....what lesson is that important that it takes someone death to learn?
I've tried to write all week. I don't want my blog to be depressing all the time, but hell, this is my life. It's what I'm dealing with and so I'll write about it. Life isn't always sunshine and flowers.
Sometimes, life just sucks!
Written while ignoring laundry by:
You got to understand Grace, we come here because we love you and we want to know what's going on in your life and we want you to know we care about you. So whether or not you life is going well or going sucky we still want to know.
ReplyDeleteI think I understand about you thinking about D's toes. My friend once woke to her son shouting for her to call 911. He had gone into his sisters room and found her unconscious, he shouted that he thought she was dead.
Rushing to the phone she told me she was thinking was "Ann's dead and I don't have any lesson plans." She told me it always worried her that that was the thought in her head when she thought her daughter was dead. I told her that the mind will latch onto what it could understand - the idea that her daughter was dead was incomprehensible, she understood about lesson plans.
I think maybe your mind is trying to latch on to something it was trying to understand.
Love you,
PK
Grace, Yep, sometimes life does suck! You are entitled to your feelings and should feel free to write what you want or need to.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
jean
Grace, yes sometimes life sucks.
ReplyDeleteWhat are friends for, if not to lean on when it sucks.
The mind will do strange things to avoid unpleasant facts. you aren't 'a few slates short of a roof,' just human like the rest of us,
Thinking of you and yours.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
Loads of love Grace, I emailed you, hope you get it! xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteMany hugs! I'm sorry life is not easy right now and I hope that it gets a little lighter everyday.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs to you Grace. Life sometimes sucks big time.
ReplyDeletePersonally I'm really touched that your sharing this difficult time in your life with us. Write what and when you can.
Love to you and your family Grace.
Ronnie
xx
I don't believe death is about learning anything, I mean, we're all going to die at some point. I don't think there are lessons to be learned and those are the "reasons why". People die. Children die. Babies die. Our loved ones die. We die.
ReplyDeleteIt's not because we need to learn anything or someone did something wrong or didn't "fight" hard enough (I swear I'm going to bitchslap the next person I hear say that someone 'won' their 'fight' against cancer; does that mean my mom just didn't 'fight' hard enough or something or that D didn't want to live hard enough? BS, fuck that "fighting" shit, everyone with a disease fights to live)
All I know is this; death is as natural as birth so it can't be a bad thing since there is nothing "bad" in nature. All is as it should be. I also know that I'm going to hate dying like poison because I'll miss those I love so much. And I hate having people I love die for the same reason; I'll miss them.
Love D now, we all need to love our loved ones fiercely because one day, we'll all be gone. That's Life. :) {{{big hugs}}} ~~Amber
You write what you need to, think what you need to, be mad when you need to. I lost my brother at about that age, and you need to feel your way through it and after the best you can. You'll know what you need, and sometimes it will be wierd, and sometimes it won't be nice, and that's okay. Just try to tell your family you love them, and take turns being crazy as best you can. In the the end you'll come through wiser even though you don't want to.
ReplyDelete