This past week has been a whirlwind of emotion.
Friday was my last day of radiation! YAY me! I'm done with cancer and I couldn't be happier.
On Monday, I couldn't be happy that I wasn't going to the doctor at 4:15, because I had another appointment about my neck. Turns out....it's not as bad as it sounds.
It's bad...in the sense that I'll be dealing with this the rest of my life and I'll have to be extra careful...but surgery is NOT in the immediate future.
As a matter of fact, my doc has had neck problems and so he knows exactly what I'm going through. He says that if the pain is not consistent for at least 6 weeks and if I don't lose any strength in my hands, I need to do nothing...except no lifting things above my head.
Friday was the last day of radiation and also the last day my neck hurt bad. Now that I know the problem...I realize that the act of laying on the radiation table with my arms above my head and my neck turned....well that is why I have been hurting all month. I haven't had any pain since Saturday....so that is good!
So, as far as I'm concerned...it's all good news! The bad news?
We feel like we are just sitting around waiting for D to die. Everything seem to be going downhill pretty fast and we were bracing ourselves for the worst and then last night....D called.
She hasn't been able to talk or move for over a week, so a call from her was surprising and wonderful! Apparently, they gave her some meds to help with some swelling on her spine and it caused her to be able to function better. So....it's still a waiting game, but nobody knows how long this will go on.
It's stressful waiting. We are contemplating another trip to Vegas....but that would be 3 times in a month and frankly, it's wearing on our finances! We are worried that we would go and then have to go back a week later for a funeral. It's a dilemma! Bossman feels like he's already said goodbye to her....but if she wants to see us again....we'd have to go!
I am having a bit of survivors guilt and D's not gone yet. I wonder why I had a relatively easy time of cancer and D has had to go through so much. Her hubby called the other day and asked how I was doing and I said I was fine and treatments were over.....and then I felt bad telling him that since he was there...watching his wife die.
I know I shouldn't feel that way but I can't help it. It's just sad and confusing.
Boy, I can't wait until I can just write a post and not have a single sad thing in it!
Written while ignoring laundry by::
I'm beyond thrilled that your neck is okay! See how some docs can get you all riled up over something that isn't that big of a deal? ARgh. Do you know that Dan didn't even NEED the so-called emergency surgery they rushed him into the same day he went for some vague pain he was having? And he went through a lot of severe pain and a long recovery because of it, too. And no, we can't sue them because there was a legitimate concern and it would be difficult to prove that he deliberately rushed the surgery. Privately our doc friend said that the surgeon probably needed that type of surgery on his record; surgeons have to do X types of procedures before they can move up in rank. So instead of doing more tests on Dan to see what was going on, he said from a brief exam in his office that Dan had an infection and needed surgery that day or he could die.
ReplyDeleteBullshit. There was no infection but they poked around while they were there just to make it look like they were there.
Don't get me started, honest to god.
Anyway, back to the good news...YAYYYY! :D
As for D...guilt is normal. Waiting for my mom to die was excruciating. As she deteriorated, I found myself wishing she get it over with because watching her suffer was horrible and yes, I wanted my suffering to stop too. It was hurting all of us, we all loved her, it was like this cloud hanging over us.
But then you feel guilty wishing it would happen because you want them to LIVE!! Damn IT! And you'd give anything if they could live again but you've gone that route and prayed and cried and sobbed and prayed to no avail.
So I do understand the guilt, totally. Please remember that nothing you do or will do is going to stop D's path. I was lucky, I lived in the same city as my mom so I saw her almost every day but...I'll tell you something I've told few because I've always felt so guilty.
The last week, at home, she had slipped into a sleeping state. Not a coma, she would open her eyes and would recognize us, but she was letting herself drift away. I'd go there and sit with her but I'd already done that for many months, both at home and at the hospital. And I had kids and a business to run, you know...I couldn't sit there all the time. So that last week my stepfather and sister called me twice in the middle of the night to "come quick, she's going now" and I'd get up, crying, throw my clothes on and run over there at 1am or 2am or whatever...and she didn't die. And I'd drag myself home and have to get the kids off to school and start my business, yatta, make dinner that night, do homework; you know the drill. I'd be friggin' exhausted long before bedtime.
So the third night they called me, this time at 4am, and said, "Come over, she's going" I said...you know...call me and let me know how she's doing at 6am.
Because I was *tired*. I wanted to get some sleep so the next day wouldn't suck so hard.
So I didn't go.
And that was when she died.
They called about a half hour later and said she was gone. I went over then and watched as the ambulance guys took her away and I comforted my grieving sister.
But I've always felt guilty I didn't go. What a selfish bitch, right? Intellectually, I know that's not true. I burst myself for my Mom all through her ordeal and she probably wouldn't even have known I was there if I'd gone. But...
Dunno. It's hard. Whatever you decide, it's going to be hard. I'll bet if I'd watched her actually die, I'd still talk about the scars and the emotions, maybe even wish I hadn't seen it. But since I didn't go, I feel badly I didn't. You know?
Death is just hard. As always, hugs to you and all of you going through this rough time. I hope my ramblings about my own guilt helped you a bit. ~~Amber
Well, Amber covered everything but I can understand why it was a weekend of whirlwind emotions for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I also hope you can write that post soon without anything sad in it.
FD
Amber makes some good points. But in this case Bossman will be the one to make the call and you'll go along with his decision. It will work out the way it should, you'll be there or you won't and it will be alright.
ReplyDeleteYou situation and D are two separate things. You think D or her husband feel better if you were really sick? They can be sad for themselves while being very happy for you! Which is the way most of us feel.
But I do feel for you because hurry up and wait stinks no matter what the situation.
Hugs,
PK
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ReplyDeleteWe are human. The human has emotions. We feel love, pain, worry, guilt, and many other things. The only thing that is sure is that from the day we are born, we are dying. All of us. Some have hours, some days, weeks, months, years, decades, but we all die. It is how we reach the end of that journey that is important. The people we help and befriend, the memories we make, the hearts we touch, the love we share, lives on after we go in the hearts of those who remember us.
ReplyDeleteIt is only the shell, the outer body that houses the soul, which perishes. Everything that makes us US, remains in the soul, which finds a new place to stay in Heaven.
I do not want to think about how people cope with death if they have no faith in God. It must be awful, the finality of it.
But, I do, and I know you do, Grace.
Try to think of death as simply moving in with your real Creator Father, and being free from pain, hurt, guilt, anxiety, for eternity. Death is simply moving home, moving into the room set apart for you by your Father, popping upstairs! Yes, those left behind will feel the pain of that separation; but it is temporary. We will move in there too, at some point, and have a right royal party!!!!!
I am still upholding you all in my prayers. God knows what He is doing. He has reasons for taking some and healing others, reasons we cannot and should not try to understand.We only see the current frozen frame, He has the full length movie!. Go with the flow and give Him the glory for your returning health. God bless and strengthen you all. xxxxxxx
Grace,
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome you are cancer free!!!! WHen someone is terminal, there are so many motions involved. I am sure D and her husband are happy you are doing so well. Thinking of you all
If D feels she needs to see you two again, she will ask. She may also feel she has said her good byes. Follow your hearts, there are no right or wrong answers.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad radiation is over. You're all in my prayers.
Love and Huggs!
Theresa
Hi, Grace Thinking of you and your family
ReplyDelete