So, sorry. I apologize for my absence.
I don't have an excuse really. I just couldn't get enough mojo to write anything. My life has been a roller coaster of health problems. Don't worry, nothing major. Just stuff that is annoying and weird and just sucking me dry as far as motivation goes.
Motivation. I has none.
I've had a case of vertigo that has caused me to just want to sit on the couch and not move. You remember the song, "You spin me right round baby, right round, like a record player, right, round right round"? Well, that was the theme song for me. Endless spinning. Of course that meant no driving. And I pretty much just sat on my butt all day and did NOTHING. Which caused me to fall into a depression that has been hard to drag myself out of.
Also, I take 3 different meds a day. 2 for blood pressure and one for the cancer. Those 3 meds are making me soooooo tired that I can hardly hold my head up. YET, I'd be so tired that I couldn't sleep. I KNOW, that makes NO sense to me either, but it's a vicious cycle that is hard to break.
I know I should probably talk to someone about the depression, but honestly, I don't want to take another medicine. I hate it. If there is a side effect...I WILL have it. I just can't handle anymore side effects.
So, I'm trying to drag myself out of it myself. Now that the vertigo is less, I've been able to walk by myself without worrying about falling down. So, I've been trying to get out of the house and take a short walk everyday. I've been making sure to do something around the house. Just doing the dishes makes me feel like I've done something productive and that has helped a lot.
It's hard when you feel unimportant and unneeded. Bossman tells me all the time that I am important to the family and that the family would fall apart without me, but sometimes I can't help thinking I'm nothing but a burden. I KNOW, I'm not a burden. Trust me, I KNOW.
2010 and 2011 have been hell. Between the cancer, D's death and now more recent, my step father passed away in August...it's just been overwhelming. I haven't known how to feel about my SF's death. We weren't close. He abused me when I was younger. I've made peace with that. He was my brothers father. Without him there would be no brother. I can't imagine life without brother. I feel bad that he passed. My poor brother was the only one there for him when he passed. My baby (35) brother had to watch his father pass and nobody was there for him. It was a hard passing too, the last hours SF was in a lot of pain. He was only 59.
Life is so hard to deal with. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel. I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac because I always have a problem. I'm actually relieved when the doc finds something because then I know it wasn't just in my head.
Sad, isn't it?
Anyway, this is my life. So I'm writing about it. I figure maybe writing it all out will help. Well, it can't hurt. Through all that, I still like my husband to spank me. We had a long dry spell, but the other day he did pull me over his knee and give me a few swats. I was a big baby about it, but it was nice and it made me feel more.....I don't know....does it seem weird that it made me feel more normal?
Well, if it's weird, it's no more weirder than the rest of my life.
Written while ignoring laundry by::
Aww, Grace, hang on in there. There is ALWAYS sun after rain... while you sit there with your umbrella up, here's some hugs to keep you going! ((((( HUGSSSSSS )))))))) xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing all the weird stuff! Sometimes it all hits at once and all we can do is little things - like a walk or the dishes. I remember feeling so useless when I was depresses but that was the depression talking. A spanking just helps us stop listening! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI love you Grace! Health problems suck. It's like our bodies are betraying us. I'm glad things are a little better. I sometimes go through depression too. I feel its probably mild compared to what many suffer so I don't do anything about it. I think about seeing a counselor but I never do, I think about looking into medication but I never do. I usually just come out of it a little at the time.
ReplyDeleteI think spanking does make it better. It might be strange for some but you know as well as I do spanking DOES make us feel normal. And I like that.
Hugs,
PK
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this will help or not, but for what it's worth my MaryAnn has what's called disequilibrium. Her world doesn't spin, bit it moves like a ship on the ocean in a storm. she describes it as like walking in a funhouse where you never know what level the next step will be on until you put your foot down. For that reason it's hard for her to walk and for that and other medical reasons she's had to quit driving as well as working. I see in her a lot of what you describe, including being depressed and feeling like a burden. I don't know if I can make you understand this any better than I can make her understand it, or if it matters to you, but for me it's as if she emanates happiness. I don't care that we don't go places or do things, I just want to be in her presence because that makes me happy and calm. And I'm not always a calm and happy guy. SO for that reason alone she is incredibly useful to me. I wonder if your family doesn't feel the same about you.
Also, one thing you didn't mention that has helped her to feel better and a bit more empowered, the public bus. We got an all you can ride card and she hops down to the store to shop and what have you on her good days, which I think made a big difference. Don't know if that would apply to you or not, but I wanted to mention it. Good luck and take care.
Daisy, Meow, PK, thank you for all your encouraging comments! I know I can count on you to give me a lift when I need it.
ReplyDeleteMagnus, thank you for your comment. Getting a bus pass is a great idea! I don't know what I would do without the support of my man...I'm betting your wife feels the same.
HUGS!
grace
Oh Grace, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. But I'm glad you've decided to write about it; I think writing helps a lot, especially anonymously. I know I have leaned heavily on my friends and family these last couple of years, I don't like feeling like I'm *always* complaining to them so when I blog, I know it's up to the person to either read it or not, you know? It's a nice release to vent and write, I hope you decide to write more. :)
ReplyDeleteI've had vertigo for weeks at a time from inner ear infections and they are no fun but eventually they do go away. I've also had to take medications and I'm with you; they suck and the idea of taking more medication to treat the depression that comes from taking other medications makes me go..."whaa???" lol!
You have been through a great deal the last couple of years so you have every right to feel depressed and lost right now. I think if your life spirals down so that you never laugh or are never happy and can never take joy or pleasure in life then it's something that might need to be medicated but that doesn't sound like your situation at all. It worries me how fast doctors jump on prescribing medication for "depression" when often it's just a temporary situation that humans go through periodically that will resolve itself with time.
I also have a step-father who was abusive (not sexually or physically) who is still alive and my sister, his only child, is the only person who tries to help him. It's hard when she comes out to see us and goes to visit him because I feel guilty but I will not go.
So I understand your conflicted feelings.
It's nice to "see" you again, Grace. I've missed you. {{{{hugs}}}} ~~Adrienne
Adrienne, thanks for stopping by!
ReplyDeleteThe whole step father thing is weird. I have some feeling toward the man (well, he's gone now) and I don't hate him, but it's just weird. Add that to the "real" father, or as I like to call him, the sperm donor and I'm so confused. I've only met the sd once...but he's always calling and sending cards and stuff. Part of me wishes he'd just leave me alone and part of doesn't. I'd just like to know where he is and not have contact. Does that make sense?
grace
Sp[anking did make it better yesterday
ReplyDelete