I'm just going to jump in with both feet.
My father died this weekend.
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you might remember my father left us (my sis and I) when we were small children. My sister contacted him when I was 22 and pregnant with the wildchild. She gave him my number, without warning me ahead of time. Surprise, instant father!
If only it were that easy! Instead, it was awkward and weird. He would send weird birthday cards that said things about watching me grow up and stuff like that. Kinda creepy. He came to visit when the wildchild was 6 weeks old. Again...it was awkward!
It was always easy to put him out of mind because he lived in the midwest, so I didn't ever have to see him. Then, a couple of years ago he moved 8 hours away. Still far enough to put out of my mind. He continued to send cards and call once in awhile. That was fine with me. Couple of months ago, his wife decided to leave him. He was very sick and on dialysis and she didn't want to take care of him. My sister decides to move him to our area. I never went to see him.
Couple of things you should know....
My sister never asked for help. She never consulted me, nor did she include me. She didn't even ask if I wanted to see him. Fine, fine and fine. It's all fine. I chose not to be involved. If I wanted to be involved I could have asked.
Now he's gone.
I wondered how I would feel and it turns out, I feel ok. I'm not upset that I didn't go see him, I don't feel any regret. I didn't know him and he didn't know me.
My sister, on the other hand, is annoying me. First off, she texted me the news that he died. Seriously, when did the world become so self absorbed that we don't have the common courtesy to call people when someone dies?
Second, when she texted me, she said, and I am quoting...."my dad died last night."
HER dad died. Regardless of everything, the man was MY dad too!
Third, I'm grateful I didn't find out over facebook, but it was posted there soon after I found out. Like moments after I found out. She is now posting all these morose poems about seeing his face in the stars and blah blah blah!
People, I may sound crass, but let me tell you, the man was not that great. He left my mom with 2 children under the age of 5 to take care of with no job. He was a alcoholic and he did time in jail. He also has a son, somewhere out there, that we never even knew about.
Now that he's dead, he's become a saint or something.
Of course, I'm not completely hard hearted. I realize my sister has suffered a loss. I feel bad for her.
She did what she had to do for him. I didn't feel the obligation seeing as how he didn't take care of us. You know...you reap what you sow....or whatever.
So, do you think I'm hard hearted? Did I have an obligation to him? I hope not, because I don't like being mean and a very small part feels like I was mean.
It's not that I didn't forgive him, it's just that to me, he was merely the sperm donor.
Is that wrong?
Written while ignoring laundry by::
Grace I'm sorry you lost your father - but you lost him when you were a small child. I feel sorry for him for not having the courage or sense to stay in touch with his children as they were growing up. It was his loss. I'm glad that you and your sister chose how you wanted to deal with him at the end of his life. I see you wished him no ill will, but he was merely an acquaintance.
ReplyDeleteI think your sister handled letting you know about his death poorly, but her emotions are churned up so give her a break.
Mostly know, I love you and I'd sure love to have you back out here.
PK
I can relate to how you feel about your father's death. Only time I ever saw my father was in the funeral parlor after his death. I needed to see him once in my life. I drove three hours to walk in, see him, and walk out. Not very loving perhaps, but I had no connection with the man except for some DNA.
ReplyDeleteGrace, I agree with PK, and can't say it any better. I'll be praying for you, and your sister too.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Tracy
Do not feel bad. You reap what you sow and in your eyes he abandoned you at a time when you needed him. He chose to come back long after that time and you are not obligated to change your feelings.
ReplyDeleteYou sister is probably feeling the loss and everyone handles grief differently. Don't be heartless toward her - she may be greiving very deeply.
You lost your father when you were young. You have already grieved this loss. The man that died this weekend was merely an acquantance of yours, but he did seem to mean something to your sister. It may have been her way of acknowledging that when she said "my".
ReplyDeleteNo you are not mean. Like others said you grieved the loss when you were young. You will still grieve in some way now, but not like if you had been close. Let yourself feel whatever you feel. It is fine, normal and healthy. He made his choices, as did your sister and as did you, that were best for each of you individually, That is by no definition, mean or hard hearted. Give your self a break. Your a sweet, kind and loving woman.
ReplyDeleteHugs..
C
I agree with everyone else, I dont think you are mean or cold hearted at all. You are completely justified in your feelings. I'm sorry your sister is hard to deal with right now. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteCannot say anything that has not been said by the other commenters.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with all of them.
Just remember Grace, here is a place with friends that you can always go to, and who will always listen to you.
Hugs and Love,
Bas
I grew up with my dad, but we didn't have a good relationship. He just didn't have good relationships with females of any age. I had been hurt so many times in my young life by the things he said to me. Finally when I was about 30 or so, he said something hurtful to me, in front of my young daughter. She started to cry. We left, and I avoided him for 10 years. If he sent me mail, I wrote on it "return to sender" and put it back in the box. I knew when he died, I would grieve the relationship that we could of had, not the one we did have. I did love him. Ten or more years later, I wrote him a letter. I told him that there was so much that I didn't understand, but that I did love him. I told him that I avoided him to keep from getting hurt. We have a relationship now. He tells me that he loves me, and he is loving to me, even though he wasn't when I was young. I still can't completely trust him, but I love him. When there is so much pain, it's hard to see the good, when the bad is standing in the way, blocking the view. You and your sister have greived that loss differently. I understand and sympathize with you both. Don't let this cause problems between you and your sister. These kind of things are so personal to each person individually. I'm sorry that he wasn't there for you, your sister, and your mother. He apparently knew that he messed up, but he had to have understood why you couldn't trust him. God Bless you and all you love, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteNo, honey, you are not mean. A man died, a man who showed you no consideration when you were at your most vulnerable stage of life. He was never there for you, never bonded with you, he was your biological father, never your DAD. He was just a man. Men die every day, men who you have no relationship with; you don't get upset about any of them....and he was one of those. Don't start burdening yourself with guilt. xxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteHaven't really anything tyo add that hasn't already been said.
ReplyDeleteMove on now.
Love,
Ronnie
xx