feelings

Thank you all for your good wishes and helpful suggestions regarding the wildchild and her engagement. Believe it or not, we went wedding dress shopping on Sunday and she found THE DRESS! I know...that seems early, but when you find the dress you have to jump on it. Plus, it helps that she used to work at the shop we went to, so she knew what to expect. It was great fun and I'm very happy for her. She plans on getting married close to where she lives, so it's up to her to get the venue and all that stuff. We've told her how much to expect from us and so she can go from there. I have to admit, when I first started this blog we did not have a lot of money. It sure felt nice to be able to shop with my daughter and not have to worry too much about the cost. I felt proud of that moment. My Mom was there and she has helped us out through the years and I really felt great that I didn't have to ask her for her help.

Ok, lets move on.

Feelings. So fragile. So strong. So emotional. So unpredictable. So messy. So hard to explain.

I've been struggling with things lately and I don't know how to express them to Bossman. I thought if I write them down it would be easier to process.

This isn't really anything new. I've been here before. It's not a surprise to be here again. I just wonder if there is a way to avoid these things. Maybe there is something I could do to stop things before they spin out of control.

Explaining it? Not so easy.

The other day Bossman and I were out shopping. Bossman wanted to stop at a gun store. (this is the part where I tell you that I don't want to hear about guns, good or bad. PLEASE!) So I have strong feelings about guns. I don't like them!!! End of discussion. I don't care how others feel, this is how I feel. Bossman likes guns. He's not a hunter or anything, but he likes shooting. The littleman likes airsoft, which if you don't know is like beebee guns but harder. Anyway, I don't like them. I can handle the airsoft guns that the little man has, as I know, freak accidents aside, that they won't kill.

So, I don't like guns. Bossman thinks that if I am around them I'll change my mind. So he wanted to stop at the store. "Please", he said. "just come in with me for a minute."

I said no, and then he pulled out the old, do it for me, line. "Fine" I said. But I won't like it.

And guess what? I DIDN'T like it! I hated it. I didn't want to look at them. I heard people shooting and I didn't like that. It was scary and I didn't like it.

So, why did I give in? Why can't I have those feelings? Bossman got mad at ME! NOT FAIR! I am allowed to feel that way. Maybe it's not a rational feeling, but it's my feeling. I know gun issues are a big part of our country's politics. I don't want to go there! If you, or Bossman, for that matter, want to like guns, want to shoot guns safely, be my guest. I am not trying to push an agenda onto anyone. I simply want to have my feelings and not feel like I let him down.

Is that so much to ask?

The other day Bossman came home and I wasn't wearing a bra under my shirt. He immediately tried to cop a feel. I immediately pulled away. The rest of the night? RUINED! Not in a fighting all night kind of way. More of a I stayed in one room and he stayed in the other. And he was grouchy with me. Usually he will cuddle in bed with me before I go to sleep and he didn't. He just left the room saying goodnight.

Am I not allowed to have feelings about this? This is why I rarely hang around my house without a bra. It's to avoid these situations. BUT, why does it have to be that way? Do you know that when I am changing my clothes, if he is around I try and make sure he is out of the room before I change my shirt? Or I take my nightshirt to the bathroom with me so I don't have to change in front of him. BECAUSE he will reach out and tweak.

Let's just be on Bossmans side for a minute. I get it. It shouldn't be a bad thing. He loves me and that is one of the ways he shows affection. BUT, he knows I don't like it.

I've talked about this before. So I hear your voices ringing in my ears with all the advice you've given through the years. But lets face it. I'm NEVER going to like it. Why can't we just move on from it? Why do I have to feel this way in my own home?

I think I just want my feelings validated. I feel like I'm not being heard. Every time I have a thought or opinion that doesn't match Bossman it causes problems. And what happens next?

I give in and go to the gun store.