I feel like things are slowly falling apart in my marriage. Of course every marriage has it's ups and downs, it seems like lately we've had way more downs than ups.
I go though days thinking that things are ok and then I turn around and things aren't good at all. I'm often surprised at the things Bossman says to me as my intentions are never what he thinks they are. Often I try and defend myself and try and tell him that those weren't my intentions at all. This just makes him feel like his feelings are invalid and I should just apologize and not try to defend myself.
This goes against my nature. I guess it's my nature to always be right.
The other day we came out of the grocery store and our car was parked pretty far away. As I walked out of the doors, I made a bee-line for my car. I had about 4 bags of groceries and they weren't light. I really wasn't paying attention to where Bossman was. I was just walking to my car. I though he was right next to me. I was wrong.
Later that night he said that wasn't how people in love act. I should have paid attention to where he was and walked next to him. I honestly couldn't believe this was a big deal. I certainly wasn't purposely trying to walk away from him. I simply was walking to the car thinking he was right behind me. I mean, it was crowded and there were lots of people around, it really wasn't a slight of any kind, but Bossman took it as such. He then went on to say that he feels like I've given up on our relationship and I don't care what happens to him anymore.
That is so far from the truth I don't even know what to say to that.
Of course his feelings matter and of course, I feel bad that he feels that way, but WOW, it just seems so harsh. Honestly, I think he and I feel the same way, because I feel like he doesn't care anymore about our relationship. In my eyes, he has given up. He doesn't initiate anything anymore. I pretty much have to be the one to start anything. I've said something to him about it and he says it's because he fears he will be rejected. He also says he can't tell me anything because I under mind him and I just try and be right all the time.
Lets' be completely honest here. I may not be as submissive at I wish I was, but I certainly don't want to be completely in control of everything. I don't want to be the only one to initiate things. I don't want him to just wait for me to do everything. I don't feel like I'm under minding him, I feel like I'm sticking up for myself and trying to explain my point of view. But then he feels like his feelings are valid.
Our marriage has never been this way. So why does he NOW think that I will reject him? Sure, I don't have the greatest sex drive. BUT, I still like sex. AND...if we are being completely honest, I have NEVER had that great of a sex drive. SO...I feel like I'm the same as I always was. I don't feel like I've changed.
But...he does.
So. What do I do to change things? I'm so confused. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated and I'm tired. I'm tired of going to bed mad and I'm tired of things being fake. Because in the end it feels like we are just pretending that we are getting along, until the next fight.
And the fights are getting closer and closer together. And I just don't know where to go from here. We've talked about counseling but Bossman is really busy at work this time of year and we say we should do it and we don't.
I really don't even want to post this because it sounds horrible and I don't want to admit that any of this is true. But the reality is, I have no where to go. I have no outlet to talk these things out. I don't want to admit it to my friends because I don't want them to get mad at Bossman. I can't talk to my family about it for the same reasons. I don't want anyone to get mad at him because it's not him.
It's me. I seem to be the problem. And I don't know how to fix me.
If a marriage is in trouble then there are problems with both people. I think counseling is a really good idea. Bossman may be busy, but really what is more impotent in either of your lives, or the lives of your children that the two of you finding your way back to each other. I have a feeling it will not be easy, you can't go for to or three times stirring up problems and feelings and then decide it's not working and quit.
ReplyDeleteI know you Grace, I really think I know what's in your heart. I've had the privilege of meeting and visiting with Bossman too. I know just like you do that your marriage is worth saving.
You have mentioned the walking ahead of him and it bothering him before. Stop it. Nick does that to me all the time, I hate it. I know that just like you he means nothing by it - he just gets out and goes in, assuming I'm right behind him. He walks fast, I'm rarely right behind him and I'm not going to run behind him like a puppy trying to keep up. I've mentioned this to him, but he doesn't change. While this isn't a 'problem' in our marriage it's hurts my feelings each and ever time he does it and he has no idea what it would mean to me if he stopped and waited, maybe held my hand. It's a little things you can do - it won't change or solve your problems, but Bossman might realize you heard him and you're willing to listen to him and try.
Any relationship involves two people. It involves listening and talking and sharing and feeling and problem-solving and compassion and compromise and love and a lot of hard work and I know that you know all this and I hope that you both put in the work that you need to so that your love wins in the end. The fact that you are both willing to go to counseling is a great first step. Now you just need to make it happen and put yourselves first - top priority. I wish I knew the best words to say. I really don't. I just want you to know I am here for you as support. Hugs
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