If you're looking for a post on my trip, sorry to disappoint. I just have so much on my mind, it's hard to concentrate enough to paint a vivid picture of it. I promise I will get to it soon.
Ever since I got sick during the holidays, I have been overly paranoid about getting sick. I don't feel I'm turning into a hypocondriac, but I am constantly waiting for something bad to happen to me again.
Don't get me wrong. I've been feeling fine. But a couple of weeks ago I went for a routine examine and because my blood pressure was high, we decided I should take meds for it. Since then, I've been checking my BP regularly at the store and it seems to be running normal. Good for me. But my heart rate seems a little high, right around 100, which apparently is normal, but anything above that, at a resting rate, could be bad. Still, I can't help but worry about it.
This is very troubling for me. Although I am a worrier by nature, I've NEVER been a worrier about my health. I've always been very healthy, nothing more than a cold. I had strep a couple of years ago, but again, I got healthy very quickly.
Now I think I was slapped in the face by my own mortality. Even though I'm only 38, I have finally hit that place in my life where I realize I'm not going to live forever. I've always known that, but now it's actually been placed in front of me. I've never been afraid of dying. I have always been the one to say when my times comes, my time comes.
Does this mean that I am now afraid of dying? I don't think I am. But I am afraid of getting an illness and being sick for a long period of time. I am afraid of putting my family through stress and anguish over me.
If I could go back a few months, I would. I often think of that wonderful day in Novemeber. The day before I got sick. We had such a great day. It was warm and sunny. We took the kids down to the high school and played tennis. My daughter and I went down into the football stadium and pretended to make touchdowns on the football field. We did cartwheels, and raced each other. We were alone on the field, and it was sooooo much fun. I didn't have a care in the world that day. I didn't know it at the time but it was one of the best days I ever had. Had I known that back then, I would have appreciated it more.
How do you do it? How do you keep moving foward when you're afaid something bad will happen to you? How do you let go of the paranoia? I know some of you have had worse medical things than I, so tell me, am I the only one? How do you cope with this? How do you move on?
Well, I may never get the answers, but I will keep plugging along. One thing I have learned is, life is way too short. I may be down, but I'm not out. I have had some good moments, and I hardly worried about it at all on our trip, so I know things will get better for me.
Sorry this is not a post about spanking and sex. That did happen this weekend and I have started writing about it. It will be finished soon, I promise!
HUGS to you all,
later.........
This feeling hit me when LJ was born. Before that I knew that if something happened to me my parents and Nick could handle it if they had to. So it only hit after I became a mother that I worried.
ReplyDeleteAs usual in your post you had the answer (brilliant woman that you are). You said "I will keep plugging along" Not a magic bullet but the correct answer. I think as more time passes and you get farther away from your illness it will fade a bit.
You are smarter now. You will listen to your body and always check things out quickly. But mostly you got the message to pay attention to the joy in your life and not take it for granted. Pretty good stuff to learn at the tender age of 38. Good grief, 38, I'm talking to a baby!!
I love you!
PK
Grace, yes we all go through this, it's called intimations of mortality and it's a perfectly normal and human thing to happen. When "it can't happen to me", syndrome, turns into " my god it can". PK has the right of it, be aware of your body, take care of yourself, more importantly take care of your joys.
ReplyDeleteI had a couple of heart attacks at 52, they were serious, I recovered and I'm still going strong, they taught me to cherish my loved ones and friends.
Grace the best is yet to come, be aware that you are not immortal, but you could have a least sixty years ahead of you, live, love and be happy.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Oh gosh Grace, Paul has you outliving your heart rate!
ReplyDeleteDisregard my previous email. You are not like us...cartwheels???
Worrying is a mother's gift! But as every day goes by and you get better, you will worry less. And you did not have a little illness. Girl you were sick!
And if you find any magic answers other than to just keep plugging along..please share!
Huggs and Love
Theresa
Okay Grace, relax!!! My view on worry--is the situation something you have any control over? You can't prevent illness, but you can keep yourself as healthy as possible. Do what you can, and try not to worry about things you have no control over! I imagine your worrying is part of the reason for that heart rate, which is actually a bit high, if my understanding of such things is up to snuff. And stress can do that, so calm down! You have plenty of fun times ahead, relax a little and enjoy!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Kallisto
First, don't ever apologize for not writing about sex or spanking... you'll get to that soon enough but that's not why we read... we love you... everything about you! Even your weird closet, lol.
ReplyDeleteNext, it is exactly because of how you are feeling about life being too short that you need to let the rest go... enjoy the breeze, the sunshine, your children's laughter, your husband's smile... get yourself caught up in the moments, and let those moments just string themselves inevitably into minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years...
Love you, babe. very, very much!
Tiggs
You had a major wake up call, Grace, when you became so ill. It's not unusual to find yourself reviewing your life and thinking of the things you want to change. You're transitioning and will be in a better place soon. I won't tell you not to worry or fret, I think it's probably part of the process.
ReplyDeleteI think PK said it best, listen to your body, don't judge it. If something feels wonky, get it checked out! Some people never learn what you've learned.
Spring is nearly upon us. The sunshine, longer hours and beauty that will soon be a part of our daily lives always has a magical affect on my outlook. Yesterday, as I left the shop I spotted a pair of ducks in the creek next to the marketplace that houses my store. I stood on the bridge watching them dive and pop up many yards from the spot they went under. The sun was warm on my shoulders and sparkled on the surface of the water. I realized at that moment, I was right where I was supposed to be, seeing something so simple and beautiful. Life is about those moments. Funny, two little ducks really made my day much better.
ciao bella~
♥ CeeCi
Yes, it will get better. For a while things will seem brighter, more precious, maybe more fragile. You'll say to yourself that you'll never forget to make each day count, etc. and then one day you'll realize that when you weren't looking, life drifted back to normal. I've had two different cancers (I'm 51), caught them both in time - so be vigilant, and do what you should, and then live each day fully and you'll never be sorry. It just takes a little time to recover fom a scare, that's all. You're right on schedule...
ReplyDeleteHi, Grace,
ReplyDeleteI started BP meds about six months ago, and I'd always had low blood pressure all my life. So, yes, it's a shock to suddenly have to take a daily pill just to be healthy. Especially if you never took anything before on a routine basis, like me.
You're feeling panicky about it, which is understandable, but unfortunately, that does increase both your heart rate and your blood pressure. Vicious cycle, huh?
I don't know if this will help, but one year the dentist told me I had a spot on the roof of my mouth that should be checked out. So I went to a specialist (took 4 weeks to get an appt though). He took a biopsy and it came back positive for cancerous cells. This was a bit upsetting to say the least. Then I got to dwell on this for TWO months, waiting for an appt to have a "deeper" biopsy taken, in which they cut a chunk of tissue out. Then I had to wait another TWO months for that to come back but it was NEGATIVE. So for nearly six months I thought I had oral cancer, which does not have a great survival rate. I was VERY happy that I didn't!
After that, high blood pressure was a breeze for me. My only point here, is that where you've been affects where you are. Maybe if you go out and read about other things that could happen, the high blood pressure won't seem like such a problem. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be upset about it, because from your experiences, you should. I'm just thinking that viewing it from a different angle might help. The main thing is that you become comfortable with it so your reactions aren't making it worse.
On a lighter note, there are many things you can try to lower blood pressure without medications - just google it and see if anything would fit into your current health regime. Another thought - I don't know the specifics of your recent illness, but if you were put on steroids, they could certainly have contributed to a temporary increase in blood pressure that might go away with time.
You're doing the right thing - high blood pressure is the silent killer, but ONLY for those who don't have it treated! You've got it under control and it is NOT affecting your health any longer.
Huggs!
Reesa
As usual, you all are amazing and supportive, and I KNEW I could count on you to cheer me up!
ReplyDeletePK, thanks for calling me a baby, and I KNOW you meant that in a good way! It's nice to know you'll always be older, opps, I meant WISER than me!
Paul, thank you for giving me another 60 years! I know things could be worse, I just have to get over being so afraid.
Theresa, just to clarify, the wildchild was doing cartwheels, I tried, but mostly just ran along side of her...LOL
Kallisto, you're right, worrying doesn't do much good. Just makes me in a bad mood. Thanks for making me feel better.
Tig, I love you too! Today I enjoyed my garden. It was really the best medicine.
Ceeci, I try so hard to appreciate the little things in life, like ducks, but sometimes, the darkness just is there. I wish it would disappear forever.
Anon, how wonderful that you survived 2 cancers. Can I have some of your mojo? You're right, time does help. Sometimes I have whole spaces of time when it doesn't consume me, and other times when I feel it will take me under with it. I am finding the the spaces when it doesn't consume me are getting longer and longer.
Reese, I don't know how you survived 6 whole months of that! That is horrible. I'm so glad you are ok now. The bp meds are going ok. I know it's not the end of the world. But sometimes it's just hard to realize that I'm not invincible!
HUGS to you all!
grace
many years ago I had accident and the doctor's told Val that I would not make it...I spent eight days in intensive care and MTHC found out she was pregnant with our first child...over the years I enjoy life now one day at a time....GRACE thank you for this post If I could do cartwheels it would surely be today! *big grins*
ReplyDeleteHi Grace!
ReplyDeleteI understand mortality all too well, and I'm only a couple of years older than you. It hit me about 6 years ago when my first son was born and expected to die that first day. He didn't, but after double pace maker surgery, a heart transplant and 12 weeks of being on a huge emotional roller coaster, he passed away. It taught me several things. One, everyone is mortal. Everyone will die and only God knows when that will happen. Two, enjoy every minute, second and heartbeat you and your children have. You don't know when things could or will happen. Enjoy what you have now. Live life to the fullest. And three, you can't spend time worrying about what may or may not happen tomorrow. You must live for what is happening now, plan for tomorrow, and enjoy what has been in the past. For me, Clydes birth, life, and death are a blessing. I could be bitter that it was so short, but I know that I had 12 weeks with my son. I got to be a mom during that time. I nursed him 2 times, held him nearly every day. Got to see him smile, comfort him when he cried, change his diapers, dress him several times, and be with him. I cherish that time despite the trauma that surrounded everything that was happening with him. I learned to cherish every move they make. For several days, several times he was in a medically induced coma. He didn't move, he couldn't move he had meds that paralysed him. When he came out of it, I cherished seeing that first little toe move. I thought how lucky I was to get to see this again. The first time I heard him cry was at 4 days old. I cherish that to this day. It made me a stronger person, and a better mom. Sickness whether it is your childrens, or your own, can have a very positive impact on your life if you let it. You cherish every moment you have and live for today not for tomorrow. It also helps keep smaller things in perspective. You know, if I have some financial difficulties, yes, I'm upset, but I know also things could be much worse. I have my health and the health of my husband and kids at least for now so I am happy. I see people now getting so upset over little things and making them big deals. I think how lucky I am to have the perspective of knowing what a truely big thing is, and being able to know what isn't a big thing and keep it in perspective. You have that now too. You know what a big thing is. You don't want to relive it or anything like it. You can't control that, so you can't let yourself worry about it, but do live every day to its fullest possible, keep small issues small, and enjoy the life you have no matter what is handed to you.
We love you,
Carye
We've both had health problems... especially Todd. Two kidney transplants, a stroke, lots of BP issues... and he's a year younger than you are. It can be very depressing!
ReplyDeleteBut, it can also actually be a positive to come to terms with your own mortality at a younger age. The three things Caryagal mentioned.... 1) Enjoy what you have in the here and now, 2) Live life to the fullest, with no regrets, 3) Don't waste today worrying about what tomorrow might bring... are empowering concepts to embrace.
Smile and enjoy the day. You feel good now, run with that and get and give as much joy as you can.
We don't ignore tomorrow, of course. That's why we are working towards better health through diet and exercise. But you just have to know that no matter what your health is, your days are very much numbered. Enjoy them!
:)
~Todd & Suzy
David, thank you so much for you're comment. How scary that must have been for you and your family. I'm so glad things worked out good for the both of you.
ReplyDeleteCarye, your story has touched me. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow you went through with your son. You are so brave and wise to see the importance of life and to see the importance of your sons life. Thank you for sharing that story with me. It is touching and heartfelt. Thank you for caring!
Todd and Suzy, You have both traveled this road and done so bravely. I realize my situation could have been far worse. Sometimes it's just nice to know that your not alone with these feelings. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
HUGS!
grace