3:00 am

I always thought 3am was just a blip on the clock that showed up right around the time I have to pee. Usually I just shuffle myself into the bathroom and shuffle myself back to bed while half way sleeping.

Weird that I'm up right now.

I slept a little. Finally I snuck out of bed. I had to sneak because it seemed that every time I moved Bossman would reach out to hold me. Not a bad thing, but really, the man needs his sleep.

So, what should we talk about? The weather? Ok.

Since I'm over here on the west coast, the weather has been pleasant. BUT, they say starting Sunday we will have massive rains until Friday. I mean, they are telling us to start building the ark. I don't mean to be negative, but since our weather is so boring around here, I find this really hard to believe. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Well, what else is going on in my life?

Oh, my sister got rear-ended by a drunk driver yesterday. (or is that today? What day am I on anyway?) Of course this happened about an hour after I told her the bad news. Oh, wait. He wasn't drunk. He was high on prescription drugs. REAL high. So high that when he hit her and they pulled over, he forgot to put the car in park and so the car hit her again. AND then when he got out of the car, the car rolled and hit her a third time. Everyone is fine....thank goodness! And the guy is safely behind bars...for the time being.

What else is new you ask?

Oh, I have cancer.

Wow. Did I just type that? I have to stare at that for a few minutes. Here, talk amongst yourselves. Topic: Pat Robertson and Haiti.

All pissed off now? Me too! Lets get back to cancer.

Wow, I just typed it again. AND, I just realized I may have to make this blog private. Either that, or I'm going to have to find some other way to refer to my "illness". You know...google and all that....Oh good, something else for me to worry about! (don't worry, I'll give any and all the password if I go private. I seriously can't go this alone. I need you all!)

Lets back track, shall we?

Yesterday, I typed out my experience with the biopsy. If you missed that post, go down a couple...it's right there. I just finished it and pressed publish so all you fine people could read about how much fun I had. I proof read the post....I always proof it after I publish...for some reason I catch all the mistakes there. Then I clicked to my new favorite website failblog.org. Oh how I love that site. I stop by there two or three times a day. I can't seem to get enough of it. Anyway.....

My cell rings. My doc never calls on my cell, so I didn't think anything of it.

It's the doc. "Did you get the results yet?" "UH, no" " Well, It is the big "C"." (ok, SHE didn't say big "C" but I really shouldn't be saying the C word over and over in this blog. Not only is it hard to type and read, but the good people searching google will end up finding me and since my mother will probably be googling it I might want to think about that...anyway...I'm don't think I'll stick with the big "C"... I'm just trying to find something that works. Any suggestions?)

So, I hear the word and my mind just started buzzing. She's still talking..."blah, blah, blah" and I don't hear a word. I try to listen. I hear something about 2 appointments and oncology doctor...but nothing else really computed at that point.

I hang up the phone and I'm not sure what to do next. I feel myself about to fall apart into a million pieces. The wildchild is the only one home and she hadn't yet emerged from her cave. I grab my phone...no, wait, I think I was already holding my phone, and I start walking toward my bedroom. Just as I'm about to pass the wildchilds door, she opens it. I immediatly fall apart. I tell her I have...well, you know.

She hugs me and I cry. Then I realize, I should NOT be doing this to the wildchild. I straighten up and mumble something about calling Bossman. "Don't worry mom, it will be fine."

I go into the bedroom and try and call Bossman. It's one of those times where you really don't want to hear voicemail. Guess what...cell phone voice mail...work voicemail. I call my mom...voice mail. What the heck people? Answer your phone already.

A second attempt at Bossman and he answers. I blurt out...you know...he's quiet for a second and then says he's coming straight now. I'm crying now....so I just say "OK" and hang up. Then my mom calls back. She immmediatly says, "So, what did the doc say?" I choke out the word again. All I hear is "Oh god.....oh-my-GOD!" Then she says...I'm coming over.

I then had a few minutes and didn't know what to do with myself. I walked all the way around the house 2 times and then sat at the computer and wrote the last post. Then I got my phone and texted the twins. Then...I couldn't stop. I had to do something and since the only thing I could do was call people...that's what I did.

Bossman walks in the door and I run to him and start sobbing. He held me tight and I sobbed. Then I sat down on a stool...he kneeled in front of me and he prayed. HARD! More happened in that moment, but it's something he and I shared together.....

After that I kept walking around the house in a daze and he went and made some phone calls. I thought they were work related, but he called our Pastor and he and his wife came right over. By the time they got here, my mom arrived and we all cried and read the Bible and prayed. Although still in a daze, it was comforting.

The whole time my mind kept screaming...."Why ME!" I kept thinking I can't do this...I'm not brave. I'm not like D. How will I look bald? I'm a big baby, I'm not going to be able to do this.....

But, guess what? I have to. I have no choice! I go on Wednesday at 8am to talk to a surgeon. Me! Talking to a surgeon. I'll find out all about my little tumor and what my options are. I guess this means I'll have to have surgery. My mind can't think of that right now. Surgery? *shudder*

All I can think about is the worst. And what about my kids.

When the little man came home from school, I told him. By the time he got home, I was a little more composed. The Pastor had left and so just my mom was here. I dont' remember what I said, but I remember telling him it was going to be ok. He seemed to take it ok....but he's such a sensitive little boy...I don't know how this will affect him yet. It's so sad. No child should have to deal with a parent being sick. Am I sick? I don't feel sick yet.

Well, I don't know what else to say. My mind won't shut off, but if I don't go back to bed, Bossman will be out here looking for me soon and I really should get some sleep.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement! They mean more to me than you will ever ever know.

I guess I'll say goodnight now.....or is it good morning?