I don't seem to mind people looking at my breast. Really, why should I mind? I've already shown them to most of the west coast. To me, they are just body parts. It could be that since I've used them for feeding my babies, it just doesn't seem like there is anything more to be modest about.
Let's face the facts here.....my boobs are not very sexy. Seriously, after breast feeding my babies and now that I've had surgery....trust me, these girls have seen better days.
So, it's hard for me to relate to Bossman's concerns about people seeing my boobs. He's still upset about it. I'm frustated about it.
I just don't think it's a big deal. But...Bossman does. And since he does, it's causing a great deal of tension in our relationship right now.
Listen, he's not a bad guy for feeling this way. Seriously, before cancer, my boobs were only seen once a year by a doc. It was quick and painless and we didn't really discuss it. Now he has to face the fact that lots of people get to see my boobs and some get to see them on a daily basis. NOT FUN!
I don't think there is any way to get over it. I don't think he will. I don't think I will. Frankly, it's just a part of life and I have to deal with it for a least 5 more weeks.
While we are on the cancer subject, (is there another?) there seems to be a lot of people that I know that have cancer. This is upsetting....of course it is...but here's the kicker....
My cancer is not as bad as theirs. Although this is good news for me, it's also making me feel like I can't complain, or say anything about mine because...
Mine isn't as bad as theirs. Therefore, I cannot relate. Mine is like a cold compared to their swine flu. I am a sore throat from allergies while they are strep throat. It's not like this is a contest. Nobody is keeping score. So why do I feel like my cancer is suddenly, no big deal?
Crazy right?
I mean, lets face it.
I have cancer. Or, let me rephrase that....
I had cancer. Or wait....I think I should say...
I'm in treatment for cancer.
I don't know. Since I had the surgery, I guess this means I don't have cancer...but since I'm doing radiation, I'm still treating cancer and here's a question....
When am I considered a survivor of cancer?
Since I'm here, I guess I'm a survivor, right?
Also, this radiation crap is kicking me in the butt. Or should I say, boob? My left boob feels like a truck ran over it a few times. It's sore and last night I realized I can't lay on that side. UM...since I'm a side sleeper and I only had one side...let's just say a good night sleep was not had by me.
Does this mean I won't get a good night sleep for the next 5 or more weeks? I wasn't prepared for this. I was prepared for dicolored, sunburned looking skin. I was prepared for fatigue. I was not prepared to flinch every time I rub my arm against my boob too hard. I wasn't prepared to flinch when Bossman gave me a hug.
And while I'm in a ranting mood....why is it that everytime someone asks me how I'm doing I feel the need to downplay everything?
People give me the pity look and ask "How are you doing?" And I give a big fat smile and say, "I'm fine." But in my head I'm screaming, "I have cancer, how do you think I feel?"
So, my internal struggles continue. But they happen with a smile on my face.
Seriously though, I'm confused.
Written while ignoring laundry by::
Grace, I know where Bossman is coming from, everyone and his brother looking and handling.
ReplyDeleteBut they are not seeing a nice pair, the are seeing case notes, they are seeing the thousandth breast.
Yes you are a surviver and yes all cancer is a big deal.
Your breast will feel better and you will sleep again.
I suspect that this has been a bigger deal for Bossman than for you.
What you are going through is quite normal, in a year you will look back and laugh.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
Grace - You're right. It isn't a contest. Cancer is cancer. It's serious, but you're having treatment and you can see light at the end of the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to complain to us about it whenever you want. We care.
Hugs,
Hermione
I think lots of people downplay how they are really feeling when people ask... probably to keep from getting those pitying looks and comments. I think it's great that you are so forthcoming on here. It's good to get it all out there somehow, in my opinion. I hope you start feeling better soon, though... I'm sorry to hear that the radiation had turned out to be so painful. :(
ReplyDeleteGrace, Hugs to you. You and your family are going through a rough time with lots of emotions. I am sorry that the radiation is causing such pain.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. It's like I said in the email, I shouldn't complain to you about my little problems - you have cancer. What's my problems compared to your? But we can always find someone worse off than we are. It's important to remember I love you and care about your problems (whether it's cancer or the fact you have a backsctatcher in your closet) and it helps me to know you care about my problems. They are not the worse problems in the world but they matter to me and I am grateful that you care.
ReplyDeleteHave you asked Bossman to come to a treatment with you. You may not want him there and he may not want to be there but he might see how cut and dry it really is for these guys. Who knows?
Love you girl!
PK
Rant, rave, shout and scream we care Grace.
ReplyDeleteI know it's better if they don't say anything but don't get too mad at those people, they are not sure what to say, most are just trying to be kind.
Hang in there girl, your nearly through it.
Love to you,
Ronnie
xx
Our feelings are complicated aren't they? I found my lump two weeks after a dear friend. I was two weeks behind her the whole way with mammograms, sonograms, and surgery. She had cancer, I did not. I felt guilty! It's crazy, but just part of being human.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing an amazing job of keeping your chin up!
Love and Huggs!
Theresa