Let's face it. Cancer has changed me.
I don't think I can ever go back to before cancer. (bc) Before cancer I was not afraid. I was in a world where bad things didn't happen. Sure...they happened, but they happened to others, not to me.
Bc? I wasn't going to die. I wasn't thinking about dying. Death was something that happens to really old people.
Life has changed since I heard the words, you have cancer.
Physically, I'm good. I'm pretty healthy. Nothing major is going on. Mentally? I may never recover.
I imagine that in a small way I'm actually going through a small version of PTSD. My own post traumatic stress. Because, not only did I go through cancer treatment, but my SIL died of cancer...while I was going through treatment. So, although I am fine...my SIL is gone.
When you get diagnosed, you accept it. Your mind goes into auto pilot. You are just going through treatment and nothing else matters.
Once you are done with treatment....well, nobody tells you what happens after that.
Every pain is cancer. Every 6 months you have a blood test....and you wonder if this is the time they will find more cancer. Every time you go to the doc for a test, you know they will find cancer. Every time your child has a problem you wonder if THEY are getting cancer. What about your husband, maybe he's got cancer too!
It's a vicious cycle. Time is helping. The last couple of years have been bad. I didn't want to leave the house. Just going to the store made me anxious.
I can go to the store now. Everyday I am grateful that I am still here. I try not to dwell on the things I have no control over. I steer clear of the news. I try to only see positive things.
But....it's always there. There is always going to be another blood test. There is always going to be aches and pains.
Somehow, I just have to find away to live with it.
Trusting for your full recovery with no setbacks! All of us have death sentences with no life assurance beyond the next breath!! Not reassuring, but realistic! I trust that your faith in God will help you to forge forward!! I encourage you to trust HIM!!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Although my faith is strong, I tend to forget to lean on Him.
DeleteGrace,
ReplyDeleteI really, really think you should think about talking to someone, a counselor. Give it a good try, maybe look for a woman. I did this years ago and again when I had a trauma in my life in 2009 - it helped! Think about it.
I know I should seek counsel, it's just hard to admit that I need that.
DeleteYou are right. You have to find a way to get over it. You were given a second chance, your SIL wasn't. Dont squander that chance on things that may or may not happen. Enjoy the time you have been given. Focus on the future and let go of the past.
ReplyDeleteGo get some counseling, you are dealing with some heady issues and they need to be resolved if you are going to lead a productive life.
As I go through this, I think of my SIL often. I'm sad that she is not here, she was a huge support to me. She would not want me to squander life.
DeleteI know thinking about dying sucks its funny I don't worry about dying I mean it doesn't scare me I know tomorrow isn't certain I guess loosing so many loved ones over the past few years has made death real to me. What is hard for me is the thought of loosing loved ones especially my parents, Tyler the kids and siblings...I am blessed to have both my parents as Tylers parents have both been gone for yrs..mine are pushing 70 and its scarey...
ReplyDeleteits a hard realization the death is a part of life and it sucks...I agree counseling helps,, prayer is helpful too..I've prayed and cried many times in desperation for God to give me peace. he has but it takes time...
Time. It does not heal but it does ease the pain. Losing my family is the scariest of thoughts. I don't want to think about that!
DeleteLive each day as though it were your last. That is what they say.I have never experienced anything so traumatic so I will not pretend to know how it feels. It may forever alter you...but I hope you find a way to keep enjoying life. Reach out for help. seinding you lots of hugs and a listening ear. :-) And hey, you might outlive us all. :-)
ReplyDeleteI am trying to enjoy life. Everytime I think I can't, I think of my SIL. She wouldn't want me to give up. If I don't outlive you....I will haunt you on your blog. HA!
DeleteHi Grace, I just discovered your blog tonite and really like it! It caught my eye because of the title of this post. I too survived breast ca and have been ca free for 8 yrs. I am so happy for you that you did too. The feelings you're having now are normal and they will get better. I got counseling and it helped tremendously. I wish you the best of luck. Hope you are feeling better soon (mentally/emotionally).
ReplyDeleteTake care, Huneybee
YAY! You are a survivor! 8 years and going strong! I like it! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It helps that you are telling me I'm normal. I'm the only one in my world going through this so I have no one that truly understands. Bossman says I should go to a support group, but I'm not good with things like that. I can't hear others stories....at least in person. I read the blogs and even some of those I had to stop reading because I was getting to emotionally involved.
DeleteThanks again for reading!
Thank you for writing! I would too if I could just figure out how to start a blog! If you ever whatnot "talk" please feel free to email me (I sent you my address). I would love to hear from you!
DeleteTake care, Huneybee
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with SG. Don't dwell on something that may or may not happen.
Take one day at a time and enjoy it to the full..
Love,
Ronnie
xx
Thank you Ronnie! I know that I just need to enjoy life while I still can!
Delete