More to the story

You all are so supportive!  I am so lucky that you all are still reading this blog!  Thank you so much!

As with any story, there are parts that get omitted because it's too tedious to type out or it just doesn't seem important. 

Some of the things happening to us have nothing to do with the spanking or sex.  Some just have to do with life. 

Life has changed for us.  Our kids are gone.  Of course the Son will be home for holidays and summers, the Daughter has moved out for good. (of course this could change.)

This leaves Bossman and I alone.  We have realized that we have NOTHING in common.  NOTHING!

I'm a homebody, he's a go-getter.  He wants to go out and I would rather stay home and read a good book.  He likes to race cars and he wants me to go to the racetrack with him.  I would rather stay home, go to lunch with a friend, read a book, garden. He likes watching sports on TV.  I like cheesy sitcoms.

The list goes on, but I think you catch my drift. 

I also have a problem.

I realized that I don't have a purpose.  I have lost my purpose in life.  The kids are gone.  For the last 23 years, I have taken care of them.  Now......now what???  I don't know what to do with myself.  I find myself wandering around the house, watching TV, doing nothing.  Going out to the store is the highlight of my day.  On a good day, I will go to lunch with my friend.  Whoo hoo! My life is a hotbed of excitement.  I feel so worthless.  I mean, what IS my purpose now?  Even Bossman is pushing me to do something.  He asks me what I want to do.  The problem is...I DON'T KNOW!!  So that makes me feel bad.  He tells me I'm wasting my life.  He's not being mean, he just doesn't want me to regret anything later.  But...I just don't know.

I know, there are so many things I could do.  I can do ANYTHING I want, and yet, I don't know what I want to do.  I have no desire to do anything.  I could volunteer somewhere, I could join the Y.  I could babysit, I could get a job......

I could. 

Ever since I got the big C, I've changed.  I've become anxious and nervous.  I don't like doing new things, I get too anxious for that.  The medication I take gives me crazy side effects like achy bones and no sex drive and yes, depression and anxiety are also on the list.  I could take something for the depression and anxiety....I actually tried that and I ended up in the ER.  So I am dealing with it on my own.  I've actually improved somewhat.  The anxiety is less, but still......it's never not there.  I've learned how to deal with it better.  Honestly, I don't think I'm really depressed.  Although I'm confused about life right now, I am not laying in bed with no will to live.  I don't feel like crying all day.  I feel like I am an upbeat person, most of the time.....

But....I'm guessing Bossman wouldn't agree.

So, therapy sounds like something I should consider.

I googled it.  There are so many to choose from.  How would I even begin to pick one?

I'm just going to have to do it.  I think I can do it.

Can I do it??  I should do it...