This blog is becoming my own personal therapy sessions so....if you don't want to read the ramblings of a crazy woman, I would click on to something else!
Things are ok around here. Its amazing how life just carries on, even when you think it can't possibly carry on when things are crumbling around you.
Bossman bought me some beautiful roses the other day. That's always a pick-me-up when things aren't going well. It was very nice to think of me in that way. I know that he is trying. I guess I need to try too.
Yesterday we bought a new truck. Well, it's 3 years old. BUT, she's a beautiful truck. She pretty much has all the bells and whistles. I feel like we won the lottery.
Here's the part I struggle with......
Part of me would love to go out and show everyone our new truck. I would love to post pictures of her on facebook. But part of me is embarrassed.
Here's the deal. Bossman and I have struggled financially since the day we were married. Over the last 12 years Bossman has worked his butt off and has done really, really well financially. I'm so proud of him! The last 4 years have been amazing. We can comfortably send our son to a private boarding school. We can send our daughter money when she needs it. We can buy stuff at the grocery store that is NOT mac and cheese or top ramen or spaghetti. AND, it's great.
But, I feel like I'm being judged. I don't have the mentality of someone that has some money. I still have the top ramen attitude.
I don't want people to think we have money. Does that even make sense? I haven't even told my family or friends about the truck because I don't want them to judge. I don't want them to wonder, how can they afford that?
I've heard money can change people and I don't want anyone to think I've changed.
I'm still the wal-mart shopping, top ramen gal.
I know....I'm sure everyone is thinking that this is such a dumb problem. I bet you are all wishing you had this problem. I get that.
I guess I'm just wondering why I feel this way. I should be happy and enjoying it, but I'm not. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying driving my new truck. But I just don't want anyone to look at me, or notice that it's new.
Also, I guess I'm nervous that something could happen and it could all be gone in a flash.
I can't believe how blessed we truly are. God has blessed us beyond what we ever though possible.
See....I'm crazy!!!! I can't even enjoy life when things are good.
Ah hell.....
Let's go for a drive!
You have that right, go for a drive and enjoy the abundance with which you have been blessed. You earned it.
ReplyDeleteThank you! You are right!
DeleteIf you are embarrassed to say that you are doing better financially, because it feels like you are bragging, just word it differently. You are apparently a woman of faith, so just say "God has really been blessing you these last few years, giving bossman the opportunity to work more, and therefore not struggling as much. If people judge you by saying that, then they have a problem (like jealousy). I am glad that God is blessing you, and that you can enjoy the things that can be provided. May He continue to bless you, beyond your dreams. -Belle L.
ReplyDeleteBelle, that is exactly what I told people at church this weekend. Thanks!
DeleteCould it be that in the past you watched other people thoughtlessly (and I say "thoughtlessly", because that's how a lot of people do it - without any malice whatsoever) strutting their stuff, even when, as seems to happen sometimes, they didn't have to work their butts off to get it and just fell into a comfortable way of life, and it made you doubt yourself a little?
ReplyDeleteIf so, maybe that's something you commendably don't want to do to others who are still trying to to find their niche.
I have always felt that, if I were ever in a position not to have to worry about money and the provision of everyday needs, there is nothing I would like more than to try to use some of my good fortune to constructively help out people who are facing the same kind of 'worst' obstacles that I have had to face myself. By this, I don;t mean handouts, but more guiding people into how to get the help and support they need when they need it.
Good examples would be working out how to get good and affordable childcare when you have to work to make ends meet, how to, make an inadequate budget stretch to meet all of your needs etc......
Yes! I have watched people act that way and I don't want to be that. Helping out those less fortunate is something we try and do whenever possible.
DeleteHey Grace...enjoying what you and Bossman have worked hard to achieve is not bragging or flaunting. Go for a drive and enjoy.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Cat
Thank you! We did enjoy it. We drove it out to the beach..I mean, we drove it ON the beach and it was so much fun! We had fun together and that hasn't happened in a long time!
DeleteCongrats on the new truck - and I know exactly what you mean. I think for me it kind of comes from my mom and dad. Any time we've EVER bought anything, it seems like they've just been waiting for us to come up in a hard spot so that they can pounce on it and say, "You know, you guys would have money for (whatever) if you weren't (going out to eat, letting Nick go golfing, going to Hobby Lobby, etc.)." And the thing is, those things are really rare for us because we do struggle. 8 years ago when we were in a much better place financially (1 kid and 2 incomes) we got Nick a (sort of) new truck, which we traded in once gas prices got bad, and even though it didn't cause us financial problems while we had it, they still bring it up as a bad decision. I think it's just the mentality they had of sacrifice growing up (not that there's anything wrong with that), and they feel that ANY kind of rare splurge on our part, big or small, is us being irresponsible. I feel guilty even saying that, because they are such a huge blessing to us so often when we're short. They actually showed up with groceries twice this week, and they just gifted us with a six month membership to the YMCA for my birthday, so I know that it's all done in love and concern. But it also tends to make us feel very judged for doing anything at all that we enjoy. It drives Nick especially crazy.
ReplyDeleteBut you guys don't have to feel like you have to explain it to anyone! I'm genuinely glad for you that you've reached a more comfortable place after all these years! I think you should enjoy the tuck, and I think Belle's suggestion for how to handle anyone who questions you is right on the money!
Yes, yes and YES! I haven't told any of my family yet because I don't want them to judge. My mom wouldn't say anything, but I know she's wondering if we are making the decisions with our money. I hate feeling like she's judging us.
DeleteOH Sweety,
ReplyDeleteFirst its no ones business, your not borrowing money from anyone so why do they care how you can afford a new/used truck. And second, Bossman worked his butt off to provide you all with this life. Show off your truck and Bossmans hard work. If people are crass enough to ask , tell them Thank you I am glad you like my truck, I have a wonderful; hardworking man that takes care of his family. I think because of all you have been through, and all the loss and ups and downs your just waiting for the other shoe to drop, your afraid to enjoy things because you are afraid it will be taken away, or in some way you don't deserve it! YOU DO deserve it. Enjoy these things as a testament to all of your husbands hard work and sacrifice! Don't be ashamed of what you both have earned!!!!!
hugs,
C
Thank you!!!!! You are sooooo right! It's just going to take time to get used to being in this position. Bossman did work really hard and is working even harder today. He deserves it!
DeleteI feel the same way, and my husband is so different. He wants to show everyone, and wants me to do do so too. Ironically, he doesn't have an arrogant or bragging bone in his body. I think it just makes him feel like he's a good provider and helps his self esteem. It embarrasses me greatly though.
ReplyDeleteYour hubby sounds like mine! I think you are on to something about the self esteem! I can't help being emarrassed, but I just have to go with it!
ReplyDelete