The possibilities

I am finding it harder and harder to come and write.  I feel like there isn't much to write about.  There certainly isn't any spanking to talk about. (which sucks for me)


My birthday is next week.  I'm not sad about it.  I'll be 46.  Unfortunately, 46 is really getting close to 50.  That sounds weird to me.  I don't feel like I should be close to 50.  But I am.  It's just life.  I'm not going to worry about it.


My Grandma used to send me a birthday card every year.  She always sent a check with it.  I could always count on her to send it.  I loved getting that card.  It wasn't about the money, although getting money is always nice.  It was about the possibilities.  I would spend the weeks leading up to my birthday thinking of all the things I could do with the money.  Maybe I would spend it on new clothes, maybe some jewelry.  I would spend hours and hours just dreaming of things I could do with the money. 


When I became an adult, there were times I would have to use the money for bills, or diapers, or gas money.  But I still dreamed.  After a few years of having to spend it on stuff like that, Bossman and I came to an agreement that we would NOT use the money for bills or kids or whatever.  The person that received the money could use it for whatever they wanted.


As a mother, I admit....there were times I would still spend it on the kids.  I can't help it, I love seeing my kids happy.  But I would always spend at least some on me. 


My Grandma passed away a long time ago.  I want to say it was 2002, but it might have been 03.  Even though she passed so long ago, whenever my birthday rolls around I still find myself looking for that envelope, the one with her writing.  I even find myself dreaming about what I will spend my birthday money on, even though, nobody sends me money anymore. 


Honestly, I can go get whatever I want for my birthday.  But it's not the same. It's not the same as spending days and weeks dreaming and planning, knowing that your birthday wish will come true.


Although I'm not sad to be getting older...I am sad that the days of dreaming about my special day have passed.


I will always miss my Grandma and her cards.  I will miss the anticipation of that special day when I would be able to do something special because of Grandma.


Even though those days are gone.  I am so blessed to have such a great family and I know they will make my day special.


(They are in big trouble if they don't!)