life lesson

I don't know about you, but for me, this sums up my spanking life.  Also, I think it's beginning to sum up the rest of my life.

There hasn't been much spanking going on.  Bossman and I have once again entered the land of disconnect.  It's not a pretty land, it's barren and cold.  It's ugly in this land.  Trying to get out of this land is like trying to climb up a slippery slide...you get part way up and and suddenly you are sliding down again.

Last week, the man-child went camping with friends and we were left home alone.  Bossman thought this might be the perfect time to get a spanking in.  While over his knee, he started telling me things that had been on his mind.  Things that were bugging him.

A normal person probably wouldn't have thought that this was a good time to argue.  Nobody has ever accused me of being normal.

Of course I started arguing.  He stopped the spanking to listen to me and although I had valid reasons for my actions, he didn't really care.  See, it didn't matter what the reasons were....he was hurt by what I had done.

I see that now, but at the time, I just wanted to have my side heard and mostly, I wanted to be RIGHT!

I had a very good reason, but that didn't stop Bossman for being hurt.  I couldn't see that at the time, and I certainly couldn't see that while he was spanking and then Bossman got frustrated and then....then we just stopped.

The spanking stopped, the talking stopped....everything just stopped.  Our nice little spanking session came to a screeching halt.

The next day, we talked and he said to tell him when I was ready to finish the spanking.  He knows how much I HATE telling him things like that.  I told him I was ready when he was, but he wasn't buying that.  He said I had to come to him and tell him that I was READY, this minute, to finish what we had started.

So, the next day, I told him I was ready.  AND...he finished what he started.  With the backscratcher.

But still....it wasn't the same.  I had ruined it.

I want so badly to be submissive.  But...I'm not. I want things to be like they are in my head.  Not just with spanking, but with everything.  Bossman told me that unless things are done the way I think they should be done, then I'm out.  I lose interest. I guess I need to think about that.  Is that true?  Is this how I truly am and I am just unwilling to admit it?

I think he's right.

But, I don't know how to fix it.