Last week I had typed in a really long entry. It told all about our trip to Vegas, it told all about the concert with Huey. It was also very positive about the d/d.
Bogger lost my post. I hit the publish button. I received a cannot find this page, error. I freaked. I hit the "back" button, I hit the recover post button......nothing. My post was lost in cyberspace. My post, that I spent over an hour composing...LOST!
Fine...I decided I wasn't going to post for awhile.....
Then came Saturday.
Saturday started out to be a great day. We went to a friends house for lunch, the kids were going to spend the night at grandma's, so the evening should have been promising too....right?
That night, we watched a movie. After the movie we went into the bedroom. I was feeling a little bratty. Bossman backed me into a corner and tried to pull my arms above my head. I hate that. I pushed away and crossed the room so I could get ready for bed. I got into bed and watched Bossman getting ready for bed. I could tell that he was upset that I had pushed him away. I thought......he was mad. He got in bed and wanted me to snuggle close to him. I got up next to him, but I wasn't very receptive to his affections. Remember, I thought he was mad...I really thought that. So, suddenly, he flips me over and starts spanking me.
Just so you know, I like to be mentally prepared for stuff like this. I wasn't. It felt so wrong...so mean. I thought he was just taking his anger out on me....remember, I thought he was mad. So I didn't make a sound, and suddenly the pain was too much and I yelled STOP...really loud. Well, he stopped all right. And then I made the worst mistake ever. I asked him if he felt better now. SIGH.....what the hell was I thinking? Well, if he wasn't mad yet, he sure was mad now.
I'm guessing you know the tragic end to this horrible story. Yes, we fought, and we fought bitterly. The night was ruined, we went to bed mad at each other....and the next 2 days were pure hell.
Finally on Tuesday, we decide to talk. Bossman tells me, we can't do d/d anymore. WHAT? Now I'm completely upset. I really didn't expect that. After further discussion, I find out he wasn't mad that night, and he thought he was just exercising his right to spank when I needed it. True, I needed a spanking that night. But it just didn't come out right. It felt so wrong. I wasn't the only one who felt it was wrong. Bossman said he felt like he was beating me, and that was why we couldn't continue with the d/d because couldn't do that anymore. He didn't want to feel like he was beating me. He just couldn't do that to me.
Ok, I respect that. But where do we go from here? I felt like my world that I know it, has come to an end. I felt like he didn't want to take care of me anymore. I felt like he was abandoning me.
But that's not the end of the story. For he told me yesterday, he is still taking care of me. He doesn't think spanking is completely out, but we have to figure out a different way of handling it. He's been very loving to me the last couple of days, and we had GREAT make-up sex. (I love make up sex)
So where does this all leave us? Where to we go from here? I've been searching blogs, and websites for the answers, but I can't seem to find any that fit. In my lost blog, I had written that I felt our d/d needed some structure. I felt like we needed some guidelines to live by. Maybe that is what is holding us back, maybe we don't have the guidelines we need in this part of our relationship. Has anyone written the d/d handbook? Are there rules we should follow? It's so nice to say...everyone is different and we need to make up the rules for ourselves, but that really doesn't help me. Nope that doesn't help me at all.
So we shall continue the journey. I shall search high and low until I can find something that fits us, and our needs.... I have too, for right now I feel like I lost something very important. I have to find it.
later...........
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