I just found out that my father had another heart attack. He is scheduled for triple by-pass surgery on Friday.
This will sound horrible, but I am very angry about this.
I'm angry that he is sick. I'm angry that I don't have the means to see him. I am angry that even IF I had the means, I probably wouldn't go see him, because then it would just be awkward and weird.
I'm angry that he could die and I may never get the chance to resolve my feelings.
I'm angry at myself for feeling guilty about all this.
Damn it! This whole thing just makes me ANGRY!
Want to hear something really weird? This Friday, my sister is having a baby. That doesn't make me angry! That, makes me happy. The baby is a boy. My sis has been in labor since Monday. She keeps going to the hospital. They keep sending her home. So, if there is not action between now and Friday, they will induce.....
Right around the time our father is having open heart surgery.....
Just typing that, makes me CRAZY! (I didn't want to say Angry again.)
Ok, my rant is done for now. But, if you don't mind, keep me and mine in your thoughts this Friday.
Thanks!
♥ grace
So sorry to hear about your father, hopefully, everything will be alright.
ReplyDeleteGrace, life can be like that, please don't feel guilty. I shall be sending you positive thoughts and strength.
ReplyDeleteI'll try and clarify the relationship between Mel and I, Mel submitted from the very beginning. We were so close that we knew each others mind, there was some control but so light it was barely noticeable.
Warm hugs,
Paul.n
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI love you! You will have my thoughts and prayers Friday!! A new nephew is a wonderful thing and we will want to hear all about him.
Please keep in mind that you are a wonderful daughter! If you have any doubt ask the women that raised you and was there for you every day of your life. I am sure you wish your father the very best and hope that he heals quickly and completely from his surgery. A card or a letter telling him this might be nice. A visit at this moment might be stressful on him as well as you. If sometime after his surgery you are able to visit, well do what ever, but right now with this wonderful new baby on the way, well your family needs you!
Biggest hugs!
PK
My thoughts are with you, especially on Friday. Congrats on the new nephew that is to make his appearance soon! That is pretty cool!!
ReplyDeleteJust a thought...I don't know how many times I have heard "experts" say this, and maybe it could work or at least help? Some day when you have time, sit down and write a letter to your father. Tell him just how you feel about it all--the hurt, the bad feelings, the mixed up feelings, everything. I think that as hard as it is for you to figure out how you feel about it all, once you start writing, it might just all come out. Then, either put the letter away somewhere, burn it, or whatever... In any case, it might help you figure out just how you feel about it all, and help a tiny bit in getting it out of your system.
Take care!
Hugs,
Kallisto
That's rough all right. :(
ReplyDeleteMaybe send flowers? Let the note say something like, "Get well soon, Grace". That way at least he knows you were thinking about him and it might assuage your guilt too. And yeah, even if you did go at this point, it might be too much for him anyway. Long letter, same thing right now.
Now, looking at flowers would just make him happy, I'll bet. And you'd feel better, maybe?
Wonderful about your sister! :)
{{{hugs}}}
Hi, Grace. I think it's perfectly okay for you to feel angry with this man who disappeared for so long and then popped back into the picture, expecting to start a relationship with you. If he is truly sorry, and is truly a kind soul, he understands that the relationship is awkward at best and could improve only with enough time for things to sort out. I wouldn't feel guilty in your place. If I did send a card and didn't mean it, I think I'd feel even more guilty about it all. You don't owe him a thing. Just stay true to yourself, your feelings, and don't worry about his. That's what I'd do. Although you might forgive him in time, it's obviously not now, so why bother going through the motions? Just my opinion...
ReplyDeleteHuggs,
Reesa
Grace~ Love you, friend. It will be okay. Don't be angry... well heck... go ahead and be angry but just for a little while okay? You know the thing about anger being like acid... it only eats away at the container which holds it. We won't let you stay angry long enough for that. We love you too much!! Hang in there!! And when you get to hold that baby for the first time, snuggle up to him and think of all of us who wish we could be there to share your happiness!!
ReplyDeleteHugs~
Eva
Hi Grace! I don't know much about your situation with your dad (since I just found your blog!!), but I want to send you BIG hugs!
ReplyDeleteMy dad just had quintuple bypass surgery in March--it was very scary for all of us. I am thankful I have a good relationship with my dad and I'm afraid if he died I would die of a broken heart. My mom died when I was 8, so thinking of losing my dad makes me so sick.
Point is, I know the stress of having a father having open heart surgery and I know that you love him (even with all of the problems), so I hope eveything goes as smoothly as possible and that he makes a steady recovery.
It is in times like these that these old men look back and truly reflect on their lives and what they have done/accomplished or not done/not accomplished. So I would try to be open to him and allow him to not only physically heal his heart but emotionally heal too.
And, congratulations about your new nephew...so exciting! Sending big hugs to your sister and nephew too.
Love,
Emilie
Grace, my thoughts and prayer are with you and your family today! Hang in there! *g*
ReplyDelete~Hugs!
You can controll you actions but not your feelings. Anyway I think you and you feelings are totally normal. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
ReplyDeleteHuggs I love you!
Theresa
My thoughts and prayers are with you Grace! You are a wonderful woman and person. I know that the guilt feeling is normal and hard to get past. I'm with them in saying send some flowers. Don't go. And worry about your new nephew today not your dad. If he survives well, then you can figure out how and if you want to resolve things or not. Knowing how you feel now may help you decide what to do in later weeks.
ReplyDeleteTake care! You're feelings are completely normal and anger is not all bad! Keep your chin up! We're all here for you. Wish I could give you a real hug! Or be there with you to vent live to!
Hugs!
Carye
Grace it is ok to be angry. Remember the good times when you were a child and it will get you thru this.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
*hugs*
Grace, a very similar thing happened to me concerning my father. I don't want to go into details in your comments section, but if you want to talk to someone who knows what you're dealing with, just drop me an email. I'm happy to commiserate with you, hun.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, YAY for the baby!!!
So sorry to hear about the situation with your dad. Very sad indeed... and something we can identify with. We really like Pixie's idea. Short and positive... without causing anyone extra stress.
ReplyDelete~Todd & Suzy