Bossman has been pointing out that I can be a tad on the controlling side.
Did I say tad? I meant to say, I like to control things. EVERYTHING.
This seems a bit off to me. For I keep telling Bossman that I WANT him to be in charge.
Here's the bigger picture. I control things without even realizing that I am doing it. Example, the other night Bossman and I went into the bedroom to get ready for bed. The moonlight was streaming through the windows. I walked into the room first and immediately turned on the light. He walked in behind me and immediately turned it off. I went directly over to my night stand and turned my light on, annoyed that he would turn the light off. He tried to take me in his arms, because he likes to dress me for bed. I, on the other hand, decided I need to take my meds. So I slipped out of his grasp and went to my side of the bed to get my pill.
Without even thinking about how it looked, or how it made him feel. I didn't even notice the moonlight. Didn't even think about how romantic it would be to have my husband undress me in the moonlight and get me ready for bed. All I knew was that he was trying to deter me from my goal. I had it in my mind what I was going to do when I got in that room and by god, I was going to complete my goal, without interference from my husband.
So, Bossman pulls away and later when we are in bed, he says, I guess we know who's in charge here.
Uh, what? But, but, I want YOU to be in charge. I don't want to be in charge.
Now I realize I always have to be in charge. How will this work if I always have to be in charge?
How do I stop being in charge?
How do I let go?
Maybe a 12-step program?
"Hello, I'm grace and I'm a control freak."
Hey Grace, this is my first time to your blog - having found the link over at AngelBrats.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post, and know exactly what you mean! I have the same problem with CM sometimes, I don't trust he is doing the right thing. And get annoyed when he doesn't spell out the 'bigger picture' to me lol...
Maybe we should just go with the flow sometimes huh?
Anyway great post and I look forward to digging through your archives!
Hugs
Em x
I truly know what you mean. It is sometimes hard to let go of your plan, and in my case, that deviation might have meant forgetting the meds. I do think this is something that can really be worked on though, and that you can give up that control, or at least relax it enough that you can let Bossman be romantic! It does sound like you will have to make a real effort though! Best of luck and best wishes!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Kallisto
What a great post! I struggle with being too controlling daily, sometimes hourly. Sometimes moment by moment, GAH!
ReplyDeleteDan has a sense of humor about it and I'm betting Bossman does too. But there ARE times where he doesn't think it's cute or funny, too.
The "Surrendered Wife" book helped me probably more than anything else because it had specific examples that I could relate to. (Note; this book gets a lot of heat sometimes because of its title. Please know that the "surrender" is about surrendering the urge to control everything around you, an urge many wives/mothers have just because we're so busy being wives/mothers, lol! But it is NOT about "surrendering" to your husband specifically.)
Although if you're sub, well, that attitude just segues nicely anyway, right?! *grins*
I didn't do *everything* the book said but it was a nice little wake up call to my own unfortunate behavior at times. And it's not just about my husband, either. I found I was being overly controlling in many various ways in my life. Angry if things didn't go my way whether it was about my husband or not. Driving, cooking, dealing with people on the phone, you name it, this book helped me see how my own drive to "control" was causing me undue stress. It helped me let go of a lot of that.
Now, having read it, did it "fix" me? LOL! No, I still do it at times but I am MUCH more aware of when I do it and I'm usually able to draw myself up short very quickly.
Dan also helps by saying sarcastically, "Yes my QUEEN!" or saluting me and stuff as a hint I'm being too controlling and that helps too; I go..."oh. I see" ahahahah
(Note; he used to use techniques to "sub me out" at those times but that was rewarding me for "bad" behavior, so he stopped and now by saying things I don't like to hear him say/do, I am embarrassed by my own behavior. That works much better for me)
Anyway, you're not alone, Grace. It's like everything else; a work in progress. :)
I'm glad you wrote about this; it's a great topic and one many of us struggle with.
Everyone has such great advice! The only thing I could add is that Bossman could say something every time it seems you're taking control. D and I had a code word for it, "excuse me?" LOL. That way you'll know when those times are, so you can change if you want to. Just don't argue about it if he says you're being controlling. You can't change what he sees or feels about a situation no matter where you were coming from, you know? All you can do is take the advice and try to do better if warranted. Just an idea...
ReplyDeleteHuggs,
Reesa
Wow that is scary! You sound just like me! I get in my mind my goal and I don't even realize I'm being detered!!!! IF you find that 12 step program.. I'll join... "hello-- my name is Carye and I'm a control freak!" --got that part down!
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Carye
I think perhaps this is a common element between many of us out here but joining CFA is a good first step!!
ReplyDeleteHugs~
Eva
Now if you say you are a control freak I won't argue with you. You would know best, but that's not how I see what you have described. You are a wife and mother I imagine your day was filled with household duties, feeding everyone, getting folks where they belonged. At bed time you planned to get ready for bed and take your meds. Now we have always said the guys can't read our minds. So you didn't read Bossman's. It happens that is just not what was on your mind at the moment and you missed some real signals but he could also have said "Grace, wait. Look at the moonlight. I want to hold you" THAT might have gotten your attention! See how this whole new communication is getting to me!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
PK
Grace,
ReplyDeletereading your post made my eyes pop wide open and for me to say WOW that sounds just like me! It is so hard to let go of that side sometimes and let our "others" be in charge like we want them to be. So when you find that twelve step let me know!!!
Allie
Is everyone getting a new look tonight?? Grace I loved your pink flowers but I have to tell you this one is easier for me to see! It is beautiful!!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
PK
Well there are worse things than being a control freak...I guess. What if you didn't like spanking? Now that would be a travesty!
ReplyDeleteI love your new look! I loved your old look. I guess that means I just love you!
Huggs
Theresa