Bossman and I have been disconnected. This is something that I'm sure most of you go through at one time or another. It's not that I have lost my libido. It's just that we've been fighting over things and well, things came to a head the other night.
It was one of those nights when nothing that was said was going to be said right. Nothing was going to make either of us happy. I finally lost my temper and in a fit of rage, left the house.
Unfortunately, the little man was in the room.
There goes my mother of the year award.
Bossman and I never fight like this. In the 19 years that we've been married, I can count on one hand the amount of times we've gone through something like this.
Anyway, I left. Don't worry, I didn't leave for good. As a matter of fact, as I drove away, I realized I had no where to go. Ok, I had places I could have gone, but I was ashamed and embarrassed. I wasn't about to tell my friends or family about this. Bossman and I are the most stable people in our family and I would never admit that we were having trouble. More importantly, the fight was really stupid. I mean, if it was a good fight, you know, something juicy or worthwhile, well, it wouldn't have been so bad. But seriously, it was just a stupid fight that escalated out of control. It's one of those things, where you look back and say, "what the hell just happened?".
So, where did I go? First I drove around and cried. I don't really recommend that. It's hard to see through the tears. I ended up close to walmart, so I parked in the parking lot, and just sat there. I couldn't really think, so I just sat there and felt sorry for myself. Then after a while I got bored. So I went into the store and picked up a couple of things that I needed. Might as well not waste a trip out, right?
The point of this post is here somewhere, I just can't seem to get there. What I'd really like to know is....
How do you reconnect after a huge fight like this? This fight happened over a week ago and although we've made up, we just aren't the same. Everything is out of sync. He keeps saying we need to reconnect and I am just not able, or willing or...well, I don't know what I am. I want to, but how? What's the answer? It's not that I'm still angry about the fight. But, I feel like things are different. Unsettled.
And then....the other day, Bossman went out and spent a ton of money on something KNOWING I wouldn't be happy about it.
Ok, we did discuss it, but he didn't say it was going to be THAT much....and...
When I asked him what he was thinking when he bought it, he said he was thinking about how mad I would be. So I ask myself, why would someone do that? Why would you buy something when you KNOW it's going to cause problems?
I am not mad about that anymore either. We did discuss it and he is going to make up the money by selling other stuff, so it's ok now, but still....
I don't know, I think I'm being selfish, but sometimes I think it's always about him and it's never about me.
But, if I think about the sex part of our life, it seems like it's all about me and not so much about him.
And right now...at this very moment...we are both in the same room, but we are worlds apart from each other.
How do we get back to the same world?
What if we don't?
First off - I love you and I don't like that you are feeling sad and 'off'. But I can assure you about your last question.
ReplyDelete'What if we don't?' You will. I know that because you want to. Everyone will say communicate, communicate so let me be the first. I know you used to email when you first started spanking so you know what I mean. You need to write him an email explaining why you are hurting, and that you are sad and worried that you are going so long with these feelings. Even if you don't send it it might help you sort out your feelings and find a solution. But after you get it the way you want it - send it! At least he will know you are trying and that you want to reconnect.
And the last thing - I still love you.
PK
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Pk. It does seem easier to write down your feelings than to discuss it face to face. You can get out all your feelings without any interuptions. Hope you give it a try. I know things seem bad now but it'll get better. Bossman loves you very much and you love him. Big Hugs
YaYa
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI don't have any great words of wisdom for you and after 19 years of marriage you know there is no magic remedy. All you can do is keep working through it and before you know it you will be yourselves again. If you haven't told him how your feeling chances are he has no idea and he thinks things are fine. If Bossman is anything like Joe your going to have to beat him over the head with it before he realizes your feelings and then he will be shocked and stunned because he had no idea! It sounds like email may be a good start.
Elizabeth
Grace,
ReplyDeleteTimes like this really suck, and not in the good way. All the advice to communicate is good. Communication is very important. I realize this is not the answer to everything, but have you tried sex? With or without the spanking? It doesn't have to be great sex, just get you two touching and sharing. I'm like you, I can count all my big disagreements with Hubby on one hand. Only the last little tiff resulted in the 'make-up sex' that everyone raves about. Before that, I really didn't get it. Sex after a tiff was always awkward, but it did help to bring us closer and get us back on track. I always tell him how I'm feeling too, though. Hope you feel better soon.
Grace
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are coming from. J and I are getting back but still not where we need to be yet. I agree with K communication is the best way to get connected again. Sex is great but us gals need head and heart issues right with our guys before we feel connected again. I don't have answers for you but to say that i hope that this too shall pass for you and Bossman.
Ciao
I Gal
Been there, done that. It happens and it will probably happen for us again too, although I hate going through these moments like poison. But disconnects happen, especially between couples who are still passionate about each other and you two are.
ReplyDeleteIt's only been a week; give it more time. It's going to take longer than a week to bring back the closeness and trust you had. It does for us and we've also done this maybe 5 or 6 times in our marriage. Trust was broken and trust will have to be re-established.
And you will get it back. :)
Let it evolve naturally, rely on your instincts and feelings and respect his and one day, why...it'll be like the doors opened up again and things will be like they were between you.
Trust me. I've done the drive off furiously thing and cried my eyes out and felt it would never be the same again.
Although if I had ended up at Walmart, I'd be crying even HARDER! *grins at you, teasing*
Be patient and try not to push right now. :) {{{{hugs}}}}}
As for Little Man, he's older than you like to believe and he will benefit in the end from watching you two work this out, so don't beat yourself up about that, k? :)
Grace, PK is right, communicate, let Bossman know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised that Amber didn't mention her T Shirt. "if in doubt, kneel."
When Mel and I fell out, not often but it happened, Mel would kneel by my chair and make me see her, it always made me realise that we needed to reconnect and it always worked.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
I think we've all had those moments and probably will again. Igal is right, the head and heart issues have to be fixed first. It does take awhile to get back to normal. Don't worry you'll get there
ReplyDeleteOh my T-shirt!
ReplyDeleteI haven't worn that for awhile
/runs to get it
And on the back it says, "Take a deep breath"
:)
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI really feel your pain because this is how I always feel. My husband, and most men are able to shake off a fight, and and ignore the result better than we can. This also leads to a way we hurt them without realizing it, and may be behind Bossman's purchase. When we are still so hurt and disconnected feeling, and can't find our way back, they often feel as though we are withholding love and forgiveness and so feel hurt and unloved themselves. It becomes a bitter, viscous circle of pain for both. That's probably why Bossman spent so much money - he said "make you mad", but I'll bet he really felt "hurt you back".
The only solution that works for my husband and I is imperfect. What I want is to be understood, talk it out, then make up, and make love. That never happens and never will. I will never make him understand the way I want to, and believe me I will never agree with him when he won't. After 32 years though, I do know that we are both good, honorable people who love each other and are really crappy at fighting productively. So what we do is when it's over, take some time: a few hours or a few days to recover ourselves as best we can and then begin to act with love. You show love, you do kind things for each other, even make love if the other offers it even if you aren't feeling it so much. We act with love until we do feel it. Depending how bad it was, it takes various lengths of time, but eventually this brings us back. It's not easy, sometimes I'm saying not so nice things in my head for a while, but it works much better than staying separate, and endlessly rubbing the sore places. It's hard to remember when you hurt so much, but I guarantee you are hurting him as much as he is hurting you.
Sending you good thoughts, and hoping things are better soon.
I'm so sorry, sweetie. I've been there, time and again. You can't put your finger on it, but it's like there's something heavy in the air and you just can't breathe quite easily. Of course everybody is right about communicating, And it may turn out that Bossman is like Elizabeth's Joe and has no clue what's going on, or it migt be that he's like Nick and feels it but isjust as clueless as you (and I have been) as to how to name it or fix it. Sometimes it helps just to sit down and say, "Listen, things feel strained between us, and I hate that. Please tell me what I need to do to fix it." That doesn't mean that it's your fault, but it will bring it out in the open, and even if he acts like he doesn't know what you're talking about, it will make him realize that you're unhappy (at least for the moment), and as the great guy that he is, he'll try to fix it, even if he doesn't refer to it.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Tracy
been there also--I hope things get better
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I have been married 21 years and know that even after you've made up sometimes things aren't cleared up. I agree with everyone about writing it down. You and bossman still have unresolved feelings. Maybe your still upset over something he said or did even though you've forgiven him. You need to calmly either tell him verbally or in writing what is really upsetting you. What caused you to get upset not the fight itself but how you felt and why. It is hard to reconnect until you not only forgive but let go. Hope all is better soon. C
ReplyDeletec