I didn't realize how hard it would be to leave the boy. Seriously, I physically felt ill! Obviously I got over it, but I just wasn't prepared.
Unfortunately, he doesn't get very good phone signal up at the school. He can still call, but we can't skype. But he's already gone to town twice and skyped me so I got to see his very cute face. At first he was texting a lot during the day, but now, a week in, he's barely texting. He's already getting used to life without me. ~sad~
In spanking news...
Ok, so here's the story. Bossman and I were home alone one evening and he decided he wanted to spank me. He tried to get me up from the sofa but I didn't want to.
He said he was going in the bedroom and I should meet him there. Again...I didn't want too.
I finally went to the bedroom door and said I didn't want a spanking. I wasn't prepared. He just kept asking me to come to him. I didn't.
Finally, he gave up. He said he wasn't going to fight with me.
What am I? Stupid?
I don't know what I was thinking. I don't understand why I did that. I kept thinking I was being stupid, but I just didn't want to give in. So, I didn't.
We didn't have a fight about it, but things were tense for awhile. I said I was sorry and he said that it was fine, but he wasn't going to force me. He said we'd try again sometime.
And that was that.
So I sit here pondering my actions. I wonder why I did that. I still enjoy spanking stories and videos, so it's not like I'm not into it anymore. I just can't figure it out.
I can't really figure out much lately. I am confused about this life of mine. I'm not sure what the next step in my life is. I feel like I don't have much to offer. I thought maybe it was time to get a job, but I am sick a lot and I feel like I would have to call in sick a lot. I wander around the house aimlessly. I do the basics and then I'm tired. Oh so tired.
I know what you're thinking. This girl is depressed. Yes, it could be. I'm not sure about that. I told the doctor about some of my anxiety and stuff and he wanted to prescribe something but you know what.....GAH! I don't want to take another pill. I already take 5 different pills. I don't need another. Plus, I'm the type that is going to get the side effects and the side effect of some of those medications scare the bejesus out of me.
Most days I feel ok, I just feel like I need to do something with myself. Figuring it out is the problem.
I hope I can get back on track. Maybe baby steps, like walking around the block would help.
Maybe a spanking would help.
Maybe....
Written while ignoring laundry by::
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sad to hear all this.
But please, try to get through this time, together with Bossman.
He tries to help, he tries to be there for you. Please accept his help. It doesn't have to be a spanking, you could also walk around the block together.
These problems are so much easier to solve, when you do it together.
Doing it together, works much better than taking another pill.
I think there is something in the air. Farie was offered a spanking this weekend and turned it down too. If you do go to the doctor let him know how serious this is by starting off with, "My husband offered to spank me and I turned him down." That should get his attention.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't think spanking cures everything, but it is a special way 'we' connect. It's different from other couples. If you have a little time maybe start by writing a spanking story - and I'm not just trying to get a FF from you. It just a way to let your mind wander in a good direction.
BTY, the less our kids need us, the better job we did. And I know for sure that once they really feel independent they are very good at keeping in touch!!
Love you girl,
PK
Give yourself some time to adjust and then get in gear and go for that walk. Baby steps are good.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with inventing the new you.
I hope you can find a way to settle in and enjoy the time you and Bossman have with each other. My parents always say there is a time when the kids go off and never seem to need you as much...but it changes and they come back.
ReplyDeleteThis will pass, wait and see.
ReplyDeleteYou are mourning the changes in your life, give yourself time to mourn, it's okay, it IS sad! You have a right to be sad and moping around right now. You'd be odd if you didn't feel that. So let yourself cry and mourn right now, you have every right.
But you will find that your new way of life will have its own perks and joys.
Of course you turned down spanking right now; you've just had a big loss and you're struggling trying to redefine who you are.
You'll get there. It won't take long, either. No need to start up on any meds. Honestly, I know doctors mean well but the first thing they offer are psychotropic medications, any time the patient says anything about being sad or depressed. For me, for everyone I know. God forbid you say you're sad to doctors today, you'll get offered medication right off the bat.
Not everyone is clinically depressed. Sometimes we're just fucking *sad*. It's okay, it really is. The only time we should take meds is if we don't get past it.
Most days you feel "okay", that's good.
And yes on baby steps. Go for a walk, sink your teeth into a good novel ("holy crap!" heh), blog more, anything. You and Bossman go out somewhere for a bite to eat.
You'll get your mojo back. And it won't take as long as you think. :)
~~A