I think I'll just write what happened and see how I feel about it after I write it. Sometimes that helps me think things through.
When I last left the tale, I said that Bossman told me he would spank me again as soon as the wildchild wasn't around. Turns out, that was the next night as she had to work. He asked me when she was due home and I told him, not really thinking about what he had promised. After dinner, he proceeded to take my hand and lead me to the bedroom. As soon as he reached for my hand, I remembered the promise. I wasn't too thrilled with the prospect. After the spanking the day before, I realized that my butt was still sensitive, since I have not been spanked in a couple of months.
He immediately took my pants off and pulled me over his lap. He gave me a long hard hand spanking. Then there was a visit with the backscratcher. Then there was some wall time. Then I was back over the bed for another round with his hand. It wasn't as bad as I though, I mean, it hurt like crazy, but it wasn't to the point where I couldn't take it.
Then he started talking. As he talked, he didn't like the way I answered some of his questions, or the tone I was using and he started spanking again. It was then that I realized, this was serious. This was a serious talk and this wasn't just for fun.
His talk centered around me being more affectionate. I'm not the most affectionate person in the world. I am not one to touch him without a reason. I mean, I hug, I kiss....actually, now that I think about it, I'm not that bad. I feel that I am affectionate, but I feel like it's never enough for him.
This is really hard to write about.
I feel like I don't make him happy. He feels that when I push him away, it's me rejecting him. I say, it's not rejection, it's me just not wanting to be messed with right then.
Is that rejection? Aren't I allowed to NOT want to be touched once in awhile? What does a couple do that is not compatible in the affection department. I honestly don't think I hold back. I just am not that touchy feely. BUT, I touch him. I hug him, I snuggle up to him.
Just typing this up is making me upset. I should go back to the story....
He talked and I listened, but apparently, I didn't get it. I started crying. I tried stating my side, he said it was the same argument and I wasn't hearing him.
Then it was over. Only I was upset. AND, I realized my butt was bruised up nicely. I wasn't upset about that. I was worried that HE would be upset by that. It was dark in the room, so he didn't see it.
He started walking away, but then he realize I was still upset so then we started talking again. I tried so hard not to bring up the same stuff I always do.
I tried to really understand where he was coming from. I'm still processing it. I realize that he just needs more affection than I. That when we dressing and he grabs my boobs, it's just being playful. I don't like it, but he sees it as me rejecting him. I could grab at him all day long and he would LOVE it. So he doesn't understand it. He told me I was beautiful and that he, as my husband, should be able to touch me whenever he wanted. I have to try not to be so sensitive about it......
Well, this is getting rambly and I'm not sure how to end it....
I should let you know, he's actually quite proud of the bruises. After talking to him yesterday and showing him, I asked how he felt about them and he said it was about time, I need that more often.
Bottom line is, I DID feel a lot better after the whole episode. I mean I felt a lot better letting go of all the emotion that was bottled up inside. BUT, I also felt and still feel confused.
The spanking and the talk didn't really go hand in hand. I was getting spanked and that was good, (or bad) and then we were talking about emotional things and that was bad. Putting them together? I don't know.... We ended with the promise of trying to change. I will try and be more affectionate and less quick to push away and he promised to spank more.....so that's good, right?
I know this is confusing, but I could really use some feedback....anybody have some?
Written while ignoring laundry by:
Of course I have feed back – just don’t know if it will be helpful. When Mollie was a tween and young teen she fell into a habit of making a face, pulling away or turning her head if I would try to hug her or give her a kiss on the cheek. I think it began as teasing, but she did it every time. I finally told her she was hurting my feelings and asked her if she honestly felt that way and did she want me to completely stop trying to hug her or give her a kiss. She hadn’t realized it was really hurting me until I told her. She was a kid and was just teasing, but my feeling rejected was very real. I know it’s a different situation, but I understand that part of Bossman’s side.
ReplyDeleteNow your side, for much of my marriage I don’t want to have sex. I ‘worried’ that every time Nick touched me affectionately that that is where it would lead, so I avoid touch at all cost. And our ‘roommate’ relationship was born. He sensed this and he stopped trying to touch me unless we were going to have sex. I was able to use this in my mind to reject him further by saying to myself, ‘he never touches me unless he wants sex!’ And then I was mad about that. Poor man.
Since coming out, I am more likely to be in the mood - but… not really as much as I wish I was. I’m still not always there. What I now realize is that the touching does not always lead to sex. Touching is all he wants sometimes. Now I can just stop and enjoy the moment of touching, when I’m dressing, in the kitchen, anywhere – he might give me a hug, his hands may slide under my shirt and cop a feel, he tends to touch me all over when I crawl in bed at night – and I really enjoy all that.
I hate to say this, but talking actually helped. I told him I enjoyed the touching more, when it didn’t always lead to sex.
I have no idea if any of this has the slightest bit to do with your situation. But there it is. Feel free to email.
PK has some good ideas. Hubby is much more touchy feely than me and I hate it when I feel as if I rejected him so I always try hard to not pull away. Just keep trying Grace is all i can say.
ReplyDeleteI wish that I had something useful to contribute...But all I have to offer is that you are not alone. I am very much the same--physical affection just does not come easy or natural to me.
ReplyDeleteSorry, can't really help on this one....I am very very touchy feely... nothing I love more than being snuggled up with my man, him gently stroking/tickling/rubbing my back, or legs, or neck... I love when he grabs me for kisses etc, and frankly could be held by him all day every day if it were possible. Fortunately, he is the same. Physical closeness has special significance for us. And I would feel terribly hurt and rejected and unloved and insecure if he ever pushed me away.
ReplyDeleteBut, everyone is wired differently; and when two people fall in love who have different views/needs on certain things, compromise is the key. xxxxxx Good luck! xxxxxxxxx
Well, I've been there, too. Confused and bruised. So I can relate.
ReplyDelete{{{{Grace}}}}
Only you know what you're going through but...my honest feedback, right off the bat? Sounds like you needed more prep time, easing back into the whole thing instead so much so fast and all at once. Sounds like it was too sudden for you.
However, it does suggest that Bossman has been thinking about this for a while. Probably as a way to try and "fix" you; our men want us to be happy so badly and if you've been unhappy lately, then this may be his solution.
Bring you back under his hand, make it clear who's boss, inspire you to show more affection, etc.
But maybe you have changed and you don't want that right now. People do change, you know. :) It's okay if you don't want this anymore.
Or maybe you just needed to ease back into it, that's okay too.
Or maybe you do need to throw yourself into this wholeheartedly again, maybe this will help you.
Only you two know for sure.
But whatever you do, sounds like you two need to have a long and honest heart to heart talk. Bare your feelings to him, your confusion, your hurt.
Or maybe he should read your blog. Did you tell him you were blogging again? Hmmm? :)
Good luck, and great big hugs to you all! xoxoxooxxoxox ~~Amber