I have to say I've missed all your comments and insightful takes on my life problems. Heh! Oh, and PK? I was soooooo surprised to see your comment! How did I know you'd be the first to comment?
I've done some thinking.....and Bossman and I have done a lot of talking. The thing is, our marriage has been going down a rocky path. Oh, it's not like we've been fighting with each other, or things have been miserable, but things haven't been "happy". We haven't been close. We've been going through the motions, but our hearts haven't been in it.
I've been blaming myself. Bossman takes such good care of me, and I've taken that for granted. For a long time, I've noticed that Bossman hasn't been happy. I thought it was because I was holding him back. Back from the things he wants to do in life. Things that I either don't want to do with him, or things that I just can't do with him. It's hard to feel that way. It's hard to think that you are holding the person you love back.
More importantly though, I think Bossman has felt neglected. Honestly, I haven't been holding back on purpose, but I've gotten into a pattern of just going through life, not really thinking about my husbands needs. Sure, we've had sex, but it's always the same old thing. No excitement. Almost like a chore. My husband needs me. He needs me to attend to his needs as much as I need him to attend to mine.
As I've been thinking about this, it came to my attention that maybe I need to be more submissive. I don't really like that word, but I have to call it what it is. I need to submit to him. I need to take care of him in all aspects of life. I need to give him the affection he needs, I need to take care of him emotionally, not just physically. If I do that he will be happier and if he's happier, I'll be happier. Our marriage will be happier for it.
So, we've made a commitment to give this a go. We are going to try and be more attentive to each others needs. Yes, we talked about incorporating spanking, to make me happy, and about me being more open to giving him what he needs, attention from me. Personally, I've decided to be more open about things in the bedroom. I need to be more worried about making him happy than about getting it over with.
It sounds so easy when I write it down, but I think it's going to be hard.
What do you think? Any ideas?
Written while ignoring laundry by:
If only it was all as easy in reality as it is in writing....... Yup. Hard. It's going to be hard however my guess is it will be well worth it.
ReplyDeleteGrace, this will be exactly as hard as you two make it.
ReplyDeleteYou know, what to do, how to do it.
Attention and connection. Taking the time. You know what it takes!
You also know what the reward can be, keep that in mind.
This is a tough one Grace because what works for some might not work for others and its easy to fall into the same old habits. The particular thing for me is control. We agreed that when he wanted to be intimate, no was not option. One would always be available to him. (of course he is very caring so if one is sick or something he wouldn't even ask). The thing is once "no" was off the table one never wants to say it. It's like crazy aphrodisiac or something.
ReplyDeleteThe other two things that keep one mindful are that when we are sitting together watching tv or something of the nature it is a rule that one is always touching him in some way. That has really made a big difference in keeping me attentive and affectionate. One also does not leave a room the two of us are in together without letting him know why first. It makes one think of us first and if what has me distracted is worth being away from him for.
Maybe those would help. It's great that you two are making these efforts, talking about it is usually the hardest part. Good for you.
Hugs
db
Hi Grace, I tried to comment on your last post, but was having computer issues and wasn't able to. I have a history of severe sexual abuse in my childhood. My husband is a very touchy feely kinda guy, it was a huge issue for me when we first got together. I did overcome it, it does take time and a conscious effort. For me, one thing that helped quite a bit was I was determined not to let my abuser win. I was not willing to curtail or give up the things I wanted out of life because they triggered bad memories for me. When I say bad memories, I mean as bad as sometimes having flashbacks during intimate moments and me totally freaking out. I would fight him physically and run away as soon as he let me go. It was very bad for awhile, but we did get through it.
ReplyDeleteIs there something that Bossman does that is comforting to you that he could do when you start to pull away? Something that would replace the negative memories and reactions with positive pleasant ones? I could probably fill up your comment box with suggestions, but I won't. You are welcome to contact me @ faerie47@hotmail.com if you would like to talk some more. I do have a blog, faerie learns to fly, but am currently taking a break due to some life changes that have prevented me from having much time to write. Good luck, you can do it :)
We have this a little - but I have no real reason, nothing in my past. You have a reason, but I know you still want it better for both of you. You're right about submission, when I get my head there I feel better and I enjoy sex more. But like you, I'm not submissive. It takes work. I like to roll play, but only in my head. I don't know if that is good or bad. But I can be the wench captured by the pirate... anything that helps put me in the submissive frame of mind makes things more fun for me and makes me more relaxed, it all playful and fun.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that you are talking, think and even blogging may help. I hope it does.
Hugs,
PK
Eva! Nice to see you. If only life could be easy...right?
ReplyDeleteBas, I know it's only has hard as you make it, but sometimes it's hard, even when you aren't trying to make it hard. Emotions and feelings are hard!
db, Good suggestions! I appreciate the ideas and I think control is really the key. Giving the control back to him is really what my goal is.
Faerie, I'm sorry you had such a hard time. My issues aren't as bad as that. Having comforting things from Bossman during those times of strife could be helpful. It's not even the memories that are the problem, I'm just so used to being this way since I was a kid that it's natural for me. I have to figure out change that behavior.
PK, Roll playing in my head is what I do best. It really does help sometimes. Thanks for being a good friend!
HUGS!
grace
I feel like telling you that if I can do it, anyone can - so you can do it. But it is not easy and it doesn't happen overnight. Me being submissive saved our marriage. I hope that it has all the positive effects that it had for us. Will keep you in our prayers
ReplyDelete