grocery list

I found this on the failblog site. Apparently this list was found in a parking lot of a store.

I sure hope they got everything on the list!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

fragile

I'm on my second week of radiation. You should see the stickers and sharpie marks on my boob.....very sexy!

Speaking of sexy....

I feel like everything is on hold around here. Bossman and I have talked. He feels like I made him a villian in my other post. I honestly didn't mean to make him that way, he most certainly is NOT the villian in this story. If anything, he's the hero. He's the one that takes care of me. I couldn't get through this without him.

But, I feel like I'm fragile. I don't FEEL fragile, but I feel like I'm being treated like I'm fragile. Sex seems off. I know he doesn't want to touch the affected boob...and that's ok. But, he has sort of said that we are just going to have to wait until my treatment is over. Like we can't really be "normal" until the treatments are over.

I guess I can see the point, but I don't want to wait. I want him to spank me. I want him to make love to me. I don't want him to be upset when I talk about my treatments. Mostly, I wish I didn't have to walk on eggshells.

Sure, the treatments will be over in 6 more weeks. BUT, after that I get to start some hormone pills. Or, should I say, anti-hormone pills. I'm told that I will probably experience menapausal symptoms. YAY me. I'm guessing I will probably be even more fun to be around when I start that. I feel like until now everything was fine, but now that treatments have started....life just isn't going to be the same. When I say life, I mean my SEX life. Yep, cancer sucks!

Thing is, I shouldn't complain. I am getting off easy. I don't have to have chemo. All this stuff shouldn't be bothering me...right? I should just be happy with what I have. AND, I AM happy. But I thought women were in their sexual peak in their 40's. I'm about to turn 42. I think I'm going to miss my sexual peak. Stupid cancer!

So, what have we learned from this post?

Bossman is not the villian.

Cancer sucks.

I'm a big baby.

I think that just about covers it.

Written while ignoring laundry by::

100 things about me revisited

I missed my blogaversary. My blog is now officially 6 years old. How many years is that in human years?? Seems like blogs years should be like dog years....

This blog has been great. I never thought I'd be here this long. There are times I feel like I have run out of things to say. Just when I think it's time to take down the old blog, I find myself wanting to write more. I think it's just the ebb and flow of life. Sometimes there are things to say and sometimes not.

I will say that I have met some incredible people through this blog. Some I've met in real life and can't wait to meet again. Some I have only met through emails and such, but they still mean the world to me. After writing this blog for so long I have learned a couple of things.

1. The world is actually very small.
2. Spanking is everywhere.
3. The spanking world is actually not as kinky or as weird as I thought it was.
4. There are actually normal people who like spanking. (I use normal loosely)
5. There are some really great people that read my blog. (yes, I'm talking about YOU)
6. There are some really great blogs out there.
7. While writing this blog over the years, my kids grew up.
8. While writing this blog over the years, I grew up.
9. While writing this blog over the years, Bossman and I grew together.
10. I may not be the best writer in the world, but I sure do enjoy the company.

So, thanks everyone! I keep coming here and writing stuff and you keep reading. I guess that's what it's all about.

In honor of my 6th blogaversary, I thought I'd post my 100 list that I first posted in 2004. I didn't change anything, but I added my thoughts in red.

1. I'm a Taurus
2. I don't believe in astrology
3. I'm good friends with God
4. I go to church on Saturday
5. I have 2 wonderful children
6. They are a girl and boy
7. The only man I've ever slept with is Bossman
8. I don't think I missed anything
9. I get annoyed with stupid people easily
10. I can't hold a grudge against someone
11. I'm extremely forgiving
12. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt
13 I'm tall and used to wish I was short
14 I like being tall now
15 I never used drugs...ever
16 I've never smoked
17 I don't like the taste of alcohol
18 I played the cymbals in the marching band in high school
19 I love to sing for church
20 Survivor is my favorite TV show All this time and it's still my favorite show
21 I cry at weddings
22 My favorite dessert is cheesecake
23 Bossman makes me laugh
24 I don't like sucking cock
25 I will suck Bossman if it's clean and shaved
26 I like being spanked
27 I love reading
28 My favorite books are the Outlander series Still love this series
29 Clan of the cave bear is my second favorite book series Is it weird that I like Harry Potter better?
30 My favorite movie is "Officer and a Gentleman"
31 I love musicals
32 Grease is my favorite musical movie
33 I think Richard Gere is hot
34 Bossman is my first and only love
35 I was a cheerleader in 4th grade
36 My parents made me play basketball because I was tall...I sucked
37 My father left when I was 5
38 I didn't meet him again until I was 22
39 I still don't like him
40 My first car was a yellow Ford Fiesta
41 My first brand new car was a blue Chevy Sprint
42 I went to 8 different schools by the time I was in high school
43 I've lived in 5 states and Germany
44 Bossman and I have lived in 9 different homes 10 now
45 Bossman and I have been married 15 years 21 now
46 I love him more than when we got married
47 I do not like people standing in front of the stores selling something or trying to make you sign something
48 I can't stand watching people talk with their mouths full
50 I went to 3 different proms
51 2 of them were with Bossman
52 I wore the same dress to 2 of them
53 I still have one of my prom dresses
54 The wildchild thinks its ugly But she wore it for Halloween one year....dressed as a dead prom queen.
55 I saved my wedding dress for my daughter I doubt she'll wear it
56 I collect dolls
57 I also collect heart shaped jewelry boxes
58 I've never met another person with my name
59 My mother was a hippy
60 I'm hooked on reality TV, Survivor is the best show ever. Also love Amazing Race and Biggest loser
61 I hated the "swan" I don't even remember this show
62 I love country music
63 Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw are my favorites got to see Tim in concert last summer
64 Bossman and I do not have the same taste in music
65 my favorite color is blue
66 I met a friend on yahoo chat 7 years ago, and we've never met Still haven't met and now it's been 11 years...still her friend
67 I hope to meet her someday
68 I used to have a cat named Mr. Bill
69 I love the beach
70 It's the only place I can put things in perspective
71 Bossman is my best friend
72 I hate housework
73 I hate cooking
74 I love eating
75 I need to lose 20lbs Who am I kidding? more like 30 or 40
76 The weight on my drivers license is wrong
77 That weight is now my goal Still my goal
78 I hate spending money
79 I love window shopping
80 Having my kids was the best thing I ever did in my life
81 Marrying Bossman was the best decision I ever made
82 I enjoy good gossip
83 I once met Richard Simmons
84 Yes, he's like that everywhere he goes
85 I haven't been to the movies this whole year So far this year, I've seen Avatar and The blindside. Both great movies.
86 I hate it when people don't like me, even if I don't know them
87 My recliner makes me very happy Don't have a recliner anymore.
88 Fat people in spandex make me sick
89 I hate feet. I think feet are gross, and I can't stand anyone even touching my feet. YUCK!
90 I am a SIM freak....I love the Sims and could play the SIM game for hours without stopping. Still play the Sims, but not as much as I used to....it's now the Sims 3.
91 I hate my double chin.
92 I wanted to be a teacher when I got older Um...yeah, I don't know what I was thinking
93 I am now old and I don't think I'll be a teacher
94 I was a girl scout and a brownie
95 I consider myself to be a good girl
96 I like kinky sex
97 I have very ugly toes
98 Ebay is my favorite place to shop Hardly ever shop ebay anymore...I am getting into Amazon and I still prefer going to a real store.
99 I don't think I can think of anything else to say about myself
100 My kids are my life (did I say that?)

Whew, I didn't think I could think of 100 things about myself. That was hard.

Here's what I would add today:


101 I have breast cancer but I'm going to be ok
102 My SIL has liver cancer and probably won't make it through this year. She's only 36
103 I finally got to go to Hawaii
104 I met 3 good blogger friends and spouses and I can't wait to see them again.
105 6 years ago, my daughter was in 8th grade and my son was in kindergarten. My daughter has since graduated high school and my son is about to start junior high.
106 I love Facebook


There you have it. Everything you didn't want to know about me and more. Fascinating stuff. Almost as fun as watching paint dry.

Oh and one other thing....for a number of years, every time I closed a post I ended it like this:

later.......

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Aloha? Can I go back now?

Hawaii was awesome! We had such an amazing time. This picture was just one of the hundreds that we took. We had an amazing view of the ocean from our balcony. We had room service on that balcony. We snorkeled, we relaxed by the pool and we spent one whole day just driving....



Quite simply, this was probably the best vacation we ever took.

I came back feeling refreshed and relaxed....



That relaxed feeling certainly didn't take long to disappate. Monday was just a terrible day. Maybe it was just the let down of leaving our vacation. Maybe it was just hard to get back into the routine of daily life. Maybe, it was the fact that we had a million things to do that day.



Or Maybe, maybe it was the fact that I had to start radiation.



I went to the appointment and I had to drive Bossman's car. He has a very cool looking mustang, it has special features and such that make it impressive looking, (if you like that sort of thing). I had to drive it because he and the little man were taking the dog to a training session. Can't have the dog in the sports car.

When I walked into the appointment, I was asked by the guys/techs, if that was my car. They informed me that they loved mustangs, one of them has a mustang.

Anyway, we carried on with the appointment. Yes, I was the popular one with cool car....LOL

After the appointment, I went to Petsmart, where they were training the dog. They were finished so I took the boy and the dog home and let Bossman have his car back. Before getting into the car, I started telling Bossman that his car was very popular with the guys at the docs office.

I didn't see the harm in saying it. I thought he'd be interested. Usually he's pretty proud of his car and happy when people make comments.


Apparently, telling him that two GUYS were the ones doing the radiation, didn't sit well with him.

Apparently, he's not happy that two guys get to look at my boob everyday.

He didn't say anything to me, but I could tell immediatly by his body language that he was suddenly in a BAD mood.

Whatever..... I just headed home. I realized on the way what he was probably mad about....but frankly, what the hell am I suppose to do about it??


I figured by the time he got home, he'd be ok.

He wasn't.

So, I fixed dinner and tried not to get upset with him. I kept telling myself that this is a stressful time and we just got back from vacation and so I should just leave him alone. Which I did.

Now, right before we left for our trip, we had our shower fixed in our bathroom. It's been broken since we moved into the place and we were finally able to get a friend to come over and do the work for us. (He's a contractor) The shower was drying while we were gone, so it was suppose to be usable when we got back. All we had to do was put the sliding doors back on and put up the shower head.

Bossman....was upset with me, so he went into the bathroom to put the doors back on the shower. One of the doors broke.

When I say broke, I mean it shattered into a million and one pieces....all over the shower, the floor...everywhere.

I didn't hear it....but he came out to get the broom and told me. I grabbed a broom and went to help clean it up. It was a MESS. I helped for a while...neither of us saying anything to each other, and then suddenly he asks why I'm in there. I say I'm helping, he says he doesn't need help.


Fine.

I leave.

Well, breaking the shower door didn't help improve his mood.


After dinner, he went to play softball.

After the softball game, he got a speeding ticket.

You can guess that he wasn't in the best of moods when he got home.

Two days later....we still aren't talking much.

So much for that relaxing feeling I had upon returning from our trip.....

I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this. Part of me understands his frustration. I'm sorry all those things happened the day we got back from our trip. Yes, it was not a good Monday.

Part of me wants scream at him for treating me like I'm doing something wrong. I can't help who the techs are at the radiation place. Frankly, the radiation is scaring the hell out of me and I don't have him to talk to about it. I have to go to this place every single day for the next 7 weeks and have 2 beams of radiation on my boob. Right now, my boob is so marked up with sharpie markers that every time I take off my shirt, I feel like a freak. I have two marks that they put see-through stickers on, and I have to leave them on. Plus they outlined the whole boob from under my arm pit to the middle of my cleavage. This is apparently the area that can become affected by the radiation. The skin will probably start looking like a sunburn and in about a week, I may start feeling sharp pains in my boob and under my pit. I can't shave my pit or wear deodarant on that area either.

I understand that this is a stressful time for him. But it's a stressful time for me and I don't need him acting like this right now. I need to lean on him. I need to cry out my frustation and have him hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right. Right now, I haven't even told him anything about it. I didn't tell him how I lay there and they all leave the room and I have my head turned away, but the thingie is in front of me for the first shot and so I can't see anything but the thingie....but the thingie moves when they do the second shot and then I can see a sign blinking on the wall that says, beam on, beam on, beam on......


And just seeing that blinking sign that says beam on for the 30 seconds that it's on, scares the crap out of me...because that beam is shooting right into me.....and for those minutes...


I'm all alone in there. And I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.


So....


I'm sure things will work out. They always do. I know he's just upset and he had a bad day. I'm sure this will all just be a blip on the screen of life and everything will be fine.


But, I really would like to go back to Hawaii. For 5 whole days, I felt really good and I didn't even think about cancer.



Real life sucks!

But just so I don't leave you feeling depressed, I thought I'd leave you with a picture we took of a statue that was in our hotel.

If this picture doesn't cheer you up....nothing will.

Isn't that a great butt???

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Where have I been?

The past few weeks haven't been so great for me. I haven't been feeling well and it hasn't had to do with the cancer....since I haven't started any treatment for that yet. (other than surgery)

My SIL D hasn't been doing so great. She's been having a hard time with her liver. The cancer has gone down, but I think her liver just has too much damage to work properly. It's so frustrating!

As for me....well, I don't know what the heck is going on with me. I've been having weird spells of.....I don't know. I thought they were panic attacks, but on a smaller scale. Then they sort of drifted into just not feeling well. All my energy gets zapped and I don't want to do anything but sleep. I'm feeling better this week, so I'm not really sure what the heck is going on.

The doctors...oh so wise....said they were panic attacks and gave me some meds. I tried the meds......OH dear. They were NOT for me. They made me feel weird and more nervous and I spent the better part of a Saturday in bed. Bossman took me back to the doc 2 days later. It was a different doc than the one that gave me the meds. Same practice though and I've seen him before. Let's just say...the guy was a pompous ASS! I tried to tell him how the meds made me feel. He said I didn't give them enough time. I tried to tell him that I thought it could be hormones and he said there WASN't a test for that......HUH? No test for hormones? Listen, I know I haven't been to med school, but come ON! I know there are tests for that.

Bossman took me home and said we were NEVER going there again! I mean, sure, my symptoms started off looking like panic attacks...but then it was happening all day....surely I wasn't having one continuous attack all day long!

But I forgot. He went to med school and I.....didn't.

Like I said, I'm feeling better this week. AND I'm glad for it. One week from today I'll be in Hawaii! Come hell or high water...I'm going. Even if I'm sick...I'm dragging my butt to Hawaii! Shoot, I can be sick and still lay on the beach!

Well, that's life for now. I've had the CT scan and the little freckle tattoos that mark the place for the radiation. The day after I get back from Hawaii, I get to start radiation! Not really looking forward to it...but it has to be done.

Anyway, just know that I'm still around and hanging in there! I've been lurking on the blogs still...when I feel up to reading.

I love you guys!!!!!!!!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

life is good

You would not believe how many times I have opened and closed blogger and written and deleted drafts. I'd get part way through a post and someone would interrupt and by the time I came back, I wouldn't like what I had written....so I'd delete. Start again, only to be interrupted again!

So...this time, I will finish a post. And actually let you guys read it...

The decision on chemo was made. I prayed, I polled people, I googled and I cried. In the end, I decided chemo was not for me. 3 percent is not really a lot...and it turns out that most people would agree with me. Of course, some would argue that I should be doing everything humanly possible.....(yes MOM!) I believe at this point, I am doing everything humanly possible. The side-effects and other nonsense that came along with chemo just didn't seem like it was going to make much of a difference and the long term effects of chemo didn't sit well with me. Upon visiting the breast cancer boards and finding people in very similar situations, I determined that there wasn't a "right" answer, only one that I could live with. I, alone, had to decide what was best for me. Crazy, I know! Because I'm not used to making decisions based on MY needs. I'm usually worried about everyone else's needs.

So, no chemo. But I was quite proud that I had done research. I found things that I should ask the doc and (I won't bore you with our mundane discussion on breasts and ovaries)the doc was quite impressed with my good questions. It brought some things to his mind that he hadn't thought of and we are both on the same page as to the rest of my treatment. He says he has NO problem with me NOT doing the chemo!

Now that the decision has been made, I am feeling much better. I don't feel like I have something hanging on my shoulders. YAY me!

Connie Sven and I have broken up. Actually, Sven broke up with me. Seems I'm doing so well, Sven doesn't need to see me anymore! Today was my last day of physical therapy. Although Sven and I had a splendid time together....it was time for Sven to move on to someone else! Goodbye Connie Sven!

I think I mentioned that Bossman won a trip to Hawaii....
I haven't brought it up because I was worried I wouldn't be able to go on the trip. At the time, I wasn't sure what my treatment was going to be, so I didn't want to get to excited. But now it's time to get excited!!!!! I get to go!

The docs said I could start my radiation the day after I get back from Hawaii. Once I start the radiation, I will go every day for 7 weeks. That's right.....every-single-day! (except weekends) They didn't want me to miss one, so they said I could start when I get back. So from now until then...April 14th...I don't have any treatment. Well, I do have to go and get ready for the radiation. I'll have a CT scan and they will give me a couple of tattoos. (I'm hoping for a butterfly and a star...) Actually, the tats are freckle sized and they will permanently mark where they will be doing the radiation. They will also go through a test run with me, so they can make sure they will be shooting that radiation in the exact place they want it to go.

Oh, one more thing before I run.....

I got THIS....



for an anniversary gift.

I only have one word for it. OUCH!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Seriously?????

Thank goodness it's mint flavored!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Twenty-one

21 years ago, this man and this woman got married.....





The rest...as they say....is history!

Dear Bossman,
I love you more today than I ever did. You are my soul. Although the vows clearly stated "in sickness and in health", I had hoped that the sickness part wouldn't happen so soon. I don't know how I would managed to live without you by my side. I do know that I couldn't have survived this far without you. The journey has had many ups and downs but I always knew we would make it through together.

This breast cancer journey would have been much worse without you holding my hand and telling me that everything will be ok. I couldn't have done this alone. You have been my rock and my strength when I have fallen apart. You've prayed with me, you've held me and you've wiped away my tears. You've made me smile and laugh when I didn't think I could.

Saying I love you just doesn't seem like enough. I don't think I could ever truly tell you how much I love you. I don't think there are enough words in the whole world that could make you understand how I feel about you. You are my every breath that I take.

I am nothing without you.

Happy Anniversary, my love! I can't wait to see what the next 21 years will hold!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

not-so terrible Tuesday

It's only 10 am, but I have a feeling today won't be so bad. I get to visit "Sven". So that should prove interesting.

Yesterday went from bad to worse. Yes, Bossman held me and I tried to explain that I will not always be in a good mood. In fact, from what I've read about some of the drugs I'll have to take...I may not be in a good mood for the next 5 years. (that's how long I'll be taking the drug.)

I tried to quit wallowing and spent the evening watching cheesy tv shows.

At one point, I got up to use the bathroom. A girl does have to pee once in awhile. I used the bathroom that is connected to the laundry room. After I finished AND washed my hands....I walked through the laundry room.

Then I decided to do a triple toe loop over the laundry basket.

The judges marked me down because I didn't stick the landing.

Today I feel like a truck ran over my right side. My knee, my neck, my hand...all suffering.

I always knew that laundry was dangerous.....

Written while ignoring laundry by::

mondays suck

If you don't want to read the ramblings of a confused woman...please feel free to click on one of my links to the left. I'm sure those people have interesting things to say.

I had a great weekend. Remind me to tell you about our night alone in a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub, bubbles and chinese food. Also, remind me to tell you about the spanking I got on Friday. (Yes, Virginia, spanking does exist!)

Today is not a good day. I'm very low and I can't shake it. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I have to make the most important decision I've ever had to make. Everyone is getting on my nerves and I feel like I might break down in tears any second. I have no one to talk to right now. Even if I did, I don't know what I'd say. I feel very alone, very scared and I feel like I'm the only one that's ever had to go though this.

I KNOW....I'm not the only one. I've been to the breast cancer boards. I know there are tons of people in my exact position....but they aren't here. They are just words on a screen. I've thought of going to a support group but.......I can't. That's too social for me. I'm to nervous to attend something like that by myself. PLUS....I can't bear to hear all the horror stories. I've read them. I've seen them with my SIL.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and I think sometimes that's ok. I've earned the right to feel sorry for myself. I have a scary disease.

I know for every sad story there are 2 good ones. I'm one of the lucky ones. My cancer isn't that bad. My story is not one of the sad ones.......yet.

My story will probably never be one of the sad ones....but I get to live with the fear that it might for the rest of my days. Sure, I'll learn how to live without the fear. I know life will someday resemble something called normal. BUT, right now......I just want to wallow.

Bossman doesn't get it. The decision is simple for him. He's been so sweet to me. But one stupid comment makes me upset. Like today, I said I was just going to wait for the follow-up appointment before I made my final decision, as I have some questions I'd like to ask. He says, just as long as they don't need to look at my boob again. There isn't a need for them to look at it again......

Um.....

Well, he didn't say it to be mean...but what the hell? AM I suppose to just tell them, no don't look at my boob again? If they want to look at it again, what's it gonna hurt? I've already flashed everyone I've seen. What's the big deal? It's a boob. And now it's ugly. So who cares who looks at it?

And then I got upset and said I would just go to the rest of the appointments myself. So then he got mad and said fine, if I wanted to be like that then I could.

Then he left for work

and I cried.

I thought that writing would help me sort it out, but it's really just making me upset all over again.

I just need to make a decision and move on. But right now, I just need to wallow.

And I need my husband to hold me. Which I know he will when he comes home.

But he's not here. So........

Mondays were never good days anyway!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Cancer can be fun!

Today was my kind of day!

Since I had one of my lymph-nodes removed, I get to see a physical therapist. This is because I could, in a rare instance, develop lymphodema. It will be rare for me because I only had one removed, but it could happen and so they want to prepare me. Things for me to be careful of are making sure I don't have blood pressure done on that arm, making sure I don't have blood drawn or IV's on that arm.

Also, I can't do my drugs on that arm...and since it's my left arm and I'm right handed, that makes shooting myself up really really hard! *

Today was my PT appointment. I went yesterday for a consult, but today was the real deal. See, not only do I have to worry about lymphodema, but since the surgery, I can't really move my arm all the way over my head. Apparently, this is important. I find it's only important on those occasions when I feel the need to wash my hair, but I guess they think it's more important than that. I think that as long as I can still type and work the remote, I'm fine.

So, today they were to teach me some exercises to stretch the arm and also to stretch the scar tissue so I will have full mobility of that arm and will fully be able to put shampoo on the top of my head!

My therapist is a nice lady, probably in her 60's. BUT, for all intents and purposes, let's pretend she was a Swedish man in his late 20's by the name of Sven.

Sven asked me to take off my shirt and put a gown on. Right away, I'm confused. I thought I was going to do some stretching. But, it's Sven and so I took my shirt off.

Sven then guided me through some fairly boring stretching exercises. But suddenly, things got a little more interesting. Sven brings out a cane!

Ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly a cane, but it was a stick closely resembling a cane. Or, maybe a broomstick, but for this story, lets call it a cane!

Sven showed me how to stretch the left side with the cane. He showed me the proper way to hold the cane and the proper way to bend, with the cane. Very informative, Sven is!

After we finished with the cane, we moved on to corner time. Yes, you heard right, corner time. Sven had me stand in the corner with my arm stretching up the wall. I had to stand there for a few minutes, stretching my arm up and down the corner. Sven told me I was doing very well.

Corner time was over before I knew it. Time flies when having fun, I tell ya. After corner time, Sven asks me to lay down. Sven turns off the light and tells me he's going to teach me some massage techniques. I have to know how to massage the area if lymphodema should occur.

Sven then massages my arm, my pecs and my side. Then Sven says he must massage the scar area. Hence the reason I had to wear a gown. Sven massages both of the scar areas. (I have a scar from the lymph node and one from the lumpectomy.) Sven says the scar tissue can make the area tight and that is why I'm not able to shampoo my head. So, in case you are wondering, Sven massaged my boob!

Sadly, we ended there for the day. I get to go back to Sven four more times!

See, I bet you all are extremely jealous now!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

*P.S. I don't really do drugs, but if I wanted to I can't. Why is it the minute someone tells you you can't do something, you want to do it?

the odds are....

The docs appointment went well. As well as can be expected when going to an oncologist.

Everything about my cancer is good. Let's just say, if you get breast cancer, you want my kind. So while that all sounds great there are decisions to be made.

My cancer is stage 1. That is a good thing. My tests came back low for recurrence, so again, that's a good thing.

Now here's the dilemma. Right now, with the treatment course I'm going to be on, I have a 90 percent chance of not getting cancer again, or in another part of my body. IF, I decide to do chemo, the percentage goes up to 93 or 94.

Right away you are probably saying, screw the chemo! Which is exactly what I first thought. But, I asked the doc if he was married. (he was cute...but not as cute as Bossman!) Anyway, I asked him if this was his wife's test results, what would he tell her to do.

He said he would tell her to do the chemo. Then he said it's because he knows that chemo is not that bad. Other than losing your hair, the side effects are manageable. So Says He.

BUT, he said if she didn't want to do the chemo, he would be fine with that too.

So.....what's a gal to do? What would YOU do?

Here's the problem with numbers.

90 percent seems like good odds...right? If you had a 90 percent chance of winning the lotto, you'd play. If you had a 90 percent chance of getting in a car accident, you'd walk. See, the odds are good.

But what about the 10 percent?

Let me put it to you this way....

Out of all the population in the world, if you are a woman, you have an 8 percent chance of getting breast cancer. 8 percent.

Guess what.....I got breast cancer. I'm part of the 8 percent.

So....even though I still have a 90 percent chance of never getting cancer again.....

I will always worry about that 10 percent. Because I beat the odds once and I don't like it very well.

So, with that in mind, do I bump up my odds to 93 or 94 percent? Or should I just be happy with the 90 percent and carry on with my life?

Cancer.....there are no good answers!

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butt bra

Tomorrow I meet with the oncologist. So...tomorrow I will know for sure if I need chemo or not!

I'm nervous!

My surgeon said she didn't think I would need it....but it's not a guarantee. So, think good thoughts for me tomorrow around 3:00pm.

I know I promised pics of the new dog and details on the rest of life, but I haven't been in the mood to write and I really hope I'll be able to come here with good news tomorrow.

Until then.....I give you the butt bra!

Crazy...right?

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limbo

So much is going on in my life right now....where should I begin?

I could start out by telling you what's going on with the cancer. That could be a good place to begin...

I could tell you how my daughter got fired from her job and then found another in less than a week. Yep, I could tell you about that.....

I could tell you how Bossman won a trip to Hawaii. Now, that is a good story.....

I could tell you how Bossman took me to Santa Monica for Valentines day and we ate at the same resturant that we ate at with PK, Ceeci and Eva....

I could even tell you about the newest member of our family.....we broke down and got a dog!

Yes, it seems I have a lot of places I could begin.....

I think I'll begin by saying how great you guys are! I've gotten emails and comments from you all and they have been so uplifting. I love getting little notes just telling me that you are thinking of me. How cool is that? Someone is thinking of me! Little ole' me! I'd like to thank you all for stopping by and sending me some love....it's greatly appreciated!

Now, let's just get the cancer stuff out of the way. I've been healing nicely. Wearing a bra 24/7 is NOT fun at all! I was extremely uncomfortable. I'm able to sleep without one now and can I just say it's been heaven! Since the surgery, I've been waiting on a test to determine whether or not I'll need chemo. The test is four thousand dollars, if the insurance doesn't pay. Mine paid! YAY for my insurance. I know that health insurance companies get a bad rap but you know what? I am SOOOOOO grateful to have health insurance and I'm even more grateful that mine has paid for everything so far. I think the only thing I've had to pay was a 20 dollar co-pay. How lucky am I? I can't imagine having to go through this without my insurance.

I've been in limbo since the surgery waiting for this test and TODAY....today I got the results! The test is either low, medium or high. If you get a high, you need chemo because the chances of the cancer coming back or being in other parts of your body is high. If you get a medium, you have to make a choice and it's a tough one. You have to decide if you want to take the chance. You don't have to have the chemo, but it's a risk. If you get low...well, I think you can probably guess, this means you probably don't have to have chemo.

Mine came back....(drum roll please......)



LOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ok, I'm very excited....but....and there is always a butt...right?

My surgeon is the one that called me with the news. She says she thinks I won't need chemo BUT, I still have to see the oncologist. He will crunch the numbers.....yes, I'm serious....it's all numbers, and then tell me what he thinks about the chemo. So, she (my surgeon) doesn't know for sure, but the test is LOW.....so that is a good thing. NO, wait....that's a GREAT thing!

So, today I celebrate the news and stand confident that whatever happens, it's going to be OK!

As for all the other stuff I have to tell you.....that's going to have to wait until later...I've got celebrating to do!

I promise I'll be back soon with details and maybe even a pic or two of our new girl.

Celebrate with me today! Do something nice for yourself!

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So the story goes...

Monday was interesting...to say the least. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. First I went to the mammo place...which is across the street from the hospital. There, they mammoed me and while I was still being squashed, they inserted two wires....one in each tumor. Then they injected me with some radioactive stuff, so they could find my sentinal lymph node...which is the first lymph node.

Then, they plopped me into a wheelchair and hauled me across the street to the hospital. Seriously, across the street, where people were driving in cars and walking and stuff. Good grief! The wire part wasn't really bad, I think the biopsy I had a couple of weeks ago was worse. But going across the street in a wheelchair....I admit...I was laughing at myself!

Once I got across the street, they put in the IV and then we had to wait to get pictures of my lymph nodes, so they could find the one to take out. After they got the pictures, they took me in to surgery. Now, I went pee right before they wheeled me in for surgery....and this is important because....

I remember waking up once. I think they woke me up and then put me under again because I remember waking up and having to pee. I kept saying I have to pee and I think I did pee....but yet I wasn't wet when I finally woke up. Could have been a dream...but I don't think so. When I woke up, I had to pee again. BTW, my pee is the color of windex. And my poo....well lets just say.... Very pretty!

Anyway, I came home after that. They had to take extra tissue, so I have a drain, hopefully it comes out tomorrow. As for the rest, I feel like a truck ran over my boob, but it's really only sore when I move. I know, I know...just don't move! LOL

The doc called today and said that one of the tumors is a little more aggressive than the other. I'll have some more tests run on the tumors to find out how aggressive and if I'll need chemo. But, as soon as I heal I will start the radiation...fun, fun times!

I appreciate all the love and concern. If I didn't, I wouldn't have taken the time to type all this out cuz.....this ain't comfy! But I love you guys and I didn't want you to worry.

I'm not sure when I'll be back. I think I'll feel better when the drain is out but I don't know if I'll get it out tomorrow or Friday. Depends on how much drains tonight.

Oh and by the way......no spidey powers! AND, although my pee looked like smurf pee...I did not turn into smurfette. Bummer!

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Did you get the guys number that ran over my boob?

There were some highlights and low lights to today's events. Unfortunately, I'm too tired to write any of them right now.

So, I'll leave you with:

The lymph nodes were clean. They took a little more tissue out than they thought, so I have a drain.

And, my pee is the same color as Windex.

Results on all the tests will be available Wed.

Until then....you'll find me on the couch, not moving my left arm.

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Let's roll...

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired.
Martin Luther


See you on the flip side!

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thoughts in the middle of the night

I'm awake and I figured I should write because my brain won't shut off.

I just want to thank my angel, Ceeci, for creating this beautiful place to write. I can't stop coming by here, just to look at it. It's amazing and I never could have made this work. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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When I wasn't feeling giddy over my new home in blogger land....I was feeling a little like this:

I feel like I'm on a cliff and I'm about to jump off. I can't see what's at the bottom, but everyone assures me that it's going to be fine and I just need to jump.

See, Monday, life will change for me. I've been living my normal life for almost 3 weeks with cancer. I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. So, life goes on.

Now, I must jump off the cliff.

It must be like having a baby. You find out your pregnant and everyone tells you that life will change, but you really don't have any idea how different life will be until the day the baby is born. Once it's born, your life is changed forever.

Cancer must be like that too. Once I have the surgery, life will change. Even after I heal, life will be changed. I will forever be worried about cancer. I will forever be looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next call.

Truthfully? I don't want to jump off the cliff. I like it here. I can see what's going to happen here. I can turn on the light and the scary things disappear. I can't see what's down at the bottom of the cliff. And even if you tell me it's going to be ok....you don't really know that for certain. Nobody does.

I'd like to go back please. Back to Jan 14, the day before I found out I had cancer.

Back when I didn't have to worry about serious things.

Like cancer.

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My kind of statue!

Please read the previous post if you haven't. I'm really interested in what you would do if faced with a similar situation. Everyone had a different thought on it and each thought gives me something more to think about. I think with a decision like this, I should consider all the possibilities!

Now....lets talk about failblog.org.

I LOVE this site. Every single day there is something new on there that makes me laugh. Really, if you want or need a good laugh, spend some time at this site. Trust me, you won't be sorry.

So, I found this picture over there. Whoever posted it, thinks it's a fail, but personally.....I think it's a WIN!





What do you think?

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genes

Funny. When I wrote the post yesterday, I didn't realize how it sounded. When I said I wanted a spanking cancer blog....in my head I was saying spanking AND cancer blog, not a "I'm going to spank cancer blog."

It turns out, that is exactly what I meant. I am going to spank the cancer. I'm going to spank it right out of my body! The strop, backscratcher and paddle are all things that the cancer deserves....and more.

I have to admit. I'm a little worried about how all this cancer stuff is going to affect me. Since the cancer I have is fed by estrogen, it looks like I'll be taking an anti-estrogen medicine....for at least 5 years. Apparently it blocks the estrogen from attaching to the breast tissue. I'll still have some estrogen. Apparently the side effects include all the menopausal stuff. So, early menopause, here I come. What has me worried is how this will affect my sex life. I KNOW. Sounds stupid when I'm fighting cancer to be worried about my sex life...but lets face it...it IS an important part of my life.

I don't want to lose that part of me. I don't want to lose what is between Bossman and me. I don't want to lose the spanking either. That was why I decided to keep this a spanking, cancer, blog. Because I'm hoping that spanking will still be a part of my life and I hope I spank the cancer too!

Yesterday, I had a blood test. This test is to test my genes. They want to see if I carry the gene that makes breast and ovarian cancer hereditary. Since I'm so young, and I don't know my full family health history (my father was adopted) they just want to see if I carry the gene. My doctor thinks I probably don't have the gene...but for peace of mind, we want to see if I do.

If I do....well, the reoccurance of breast cancer and ovarian cancer skyrocket. Some people opt to have their healthy breasts and ovaries removed when they have this gene. The general population has an 8 percent chance of getting breast cancer, if you have the gene...your chances go up to 87 percent.

I won't find out the results for a couple of weeks. If I have the gene, my sister and my children have a 50 percent chance of also having the gene.

So what do you think? Knowing the odds, would you opt to have a full double mastectomy if you had the gene? If you had an 87 percent chance of getting cancer...what would you do?

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