My story part 3

I wrote him stories and letters about how I would like it to be. I had my fantasy within reach. But things didn't go so well at first. Oh he would try spanking me, but I would resist. What was I thinking?? This is what I wanted. But in my fantasy I wasn't a willing participant. How do you become willing, but not willing at the same time? It wasn't the same if I gave into him and just let him spank me. It wasn't nearly as erotic. This was not the way I dreamed it would be. My dreams had my husband being very dominating. In my dreams, my husband would only have to look at me with that look and I would immediately become submissive. Real life was so much harder, and it wasn't nearly as much of a turn on.

Spanking at this point became very important to me. Suddenly, it was all I could think of. It was in my heart. I finally realized that this was a part of me, and I would never be able to take it away. I wasn't sure how it was going to fit into my life because Bossman and I never seemed to be able to make it work the way I thought it should work.

Oh, we had some great times trying it out, don't get me wrong. The first time he actually took me over his knee and spanked me, I couldn't believe this was happening. I was excited, embarrassed, nervous, humiliated. Even though we had thoroughly discussed it, I still was mortified that this was turning me on. I still couldn't really look Bossman in the eye while discussing it. Truth be told, I still can't. It's better said at night, in the dark, where all secrets can be told and there will be no judgment. When a spanking is over, I can't look at him in the eye. He has to make me. He has to make me understand that this is ok. Doesn't that seem odd? I started this whole thing. I wanted this whole thing to take place, yet He has to make me understand that it's ok. He doesn't think I'm a freak, he doesn't think I'm weird. He understands that this is me.

Over the past 5 years we have tried a bunch of different things. We tried rules. Nope, that just wasn't going to work. We realized early on, that if we had a list of rules that was going to make him into a policeman. He was going to have to police my every move. And I expected him to. I would deliberately break a rule, just to see if he would punish. More times than not, he wouldn't. Poor man. He was trying to earn a living, raise his children. Why did I think he needed to police me too? But I thought he should, and if he didn't, I was very unhappy. Would I tell him? Heck no, asking for a spanking isn't in my vocabulary. It still isn't. Besides, my fantasy did NOT have me asking for a spanking. My strong, dominate husband was suppose to know when I needed to be spanked. Everyone woman knows that their man is suppose to read their mind. I'm no different. If he couldn't tell when I needed I spanking, well I'll be damned if I was going to tell him. I would just continue on my bratty way and to hell with him.

You probably guessed, that didn't work so well. And when that didn't work, we would throw d/d out the window. Thank goodness I live in a one story house, and d/d is made of rubber, because it kept bouncing back and never really broke. Every time we would throw it out the window, I would say to myself, fine, I don't really need it, I can be happy just reading it on the internet. And I could. If I had to. If push came to shove, and Bossman said, no way, I'm never doing that. I could live. I would survive and we could still be happy together. I would always wish it was there, but I would survive. I would still read about it on the internet, I would still dream about it, but I would live. For spanking will never, ever, be more important than Bossman.

But I'm one of the lucky ones. Bossman knows me better than I know myself, and by now he has figured out, I need this. So we keep working at it. Bossman noticed something about me and our relationship. I was more submissive after a spanking, and we, as a couple, were much happier. I was a happier wife, and our sex life was much better. MUCH better! So Bossman realized, we have to make this work.

We threw the rules out the window. Lucky for me, they were on paper and the paper blew away. Now he just tells me what he expects. If I let those expectations drop, I will probably get a spanking. Notice I said probably. This was hard for me learn. I had to learn that he wasn't always going to spank me when I thought I needed it. He was going to spank me when HE thought I needed it. What? He's the one in charge? DUH, Oh yeah, that was the part I was missing. Even though I am the one that brought this to our relationship, if it was going to work HE was going to have to be in charge.

So let me get this straight. If I want my husband to be in charge of my house, If I want my husband to dominate this relationship, then I have to stop topping from the bottom.

That's right, I said it. I have to give up control. What? How was I suppose to do that? I was the one that knew the way I wanted it. I had done all the reading, I had looked at all the websites. Me, me, me. This was all about me, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

There comes a point in any relationship when you have to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your partner. When we start dating someone we worry about how we look, how we smell, what we will say. When you've been with someone a long time, does it really matter if you fart in front of them? Nope, not really. There are so many times when I've only thought about myself, and I didn't think about Bossman. I only cared about how he was treating me, I didn't stop and think about how I was treating him. That's a hard thing to admit, no matter who you are.

It's not always about me.

Although this blog is all about me, the rest of my life isn't, so since my kids need to be fed at least once a day, I better get to it.

later........