The letter I posted to Bossman was very contradicting. I know, I know! I NEVER contradict myself, right Eva?
Anyway, I can't seem to make up my mind about how life is suppose to be. I have a great idea of how I'd LIKE it to be, but that is merely fantasy. We think we know how it should be, but does it ever turn out that way? If you're completely honest, you'd have to say, not really.
So, I thought I could toss TTWD away. I didn't think I would miss it. I thought I would be happy with the occasional spanking, and life would be good. Problem was, ever time he gave me a spanking, I would obsess over when I would get it again. I would wonder why we couldn't implement this into our life.
And then I would come online.
Bad idea.
I would find myself scouring the internet for spanking stories, spanking blogs, people living the spanking life. And then I would think....WHY can't we do that?
Surely we could do that. Surely we could make it work just like that.
But we all know that life does NOT imitate stories. It can NEVER be EXACTLY like that. Unless you are married to a puppet and you control the strings, it just ain't gonna happen.
Even so, I knew I had to talk to Bossman about it. He knew I was brooding over something. He knew I had things on my mind. If ONLY he could have read the rest of my mind. But he can't. After going a couple of days wondering if he would actually figure out how to read my mind, I realized I was going to have to take a different approach. He was getting frustrated with me. So, he told me to write it in my blog. So I tried. I wrote things, and deleted them. I came back the next day and again the delete button was my friend.
Although I wanted to say what I was feeling, I didn't know for sure what I was feeling. Or, I didn't know how to express my feelings without feeling stupid. I already said we would be fine with the occasional spank. Now I was going back on what I said.
Exactly how stupid was I going to sound? How could I explain it, when I couldn't understand it myself.
Well, I took the leap. I post what I was feeling. Which, if you read it, doesn't make much sense. BUT, you know something? I have the best husband EVER! Even if I didn't understand it, HE did. He gets me. Thank god!
So, we are doing a few things differently. I don't want to go into much detail. Before PK gets her panties in a bunch about details, I just want to say that the reason I don't want to give details is because I don't know if it will work. I'm tired of saying things here and then turning around and saying the opposite. I want to make sure that this is truly the way I want things before I start talking about it. Plus, I don't know if it will work. This might not work for us.
Don't worry PK. I will still give spanking details when they happen.
For now just know this. Bossman and I are communicating. THIS, I love. If nothing else, I am grateful for this.
Before I go, I'd like to tell you that I'm reading the book "The Surrendered Wife". I'll let you know what I think when I'm done. So far, so good, but I can see how some women can take it the wrong way. I can see it, but I don't think I'm taking it the wrong way, I think I'm actually learning things about myself.
Heh, who'da thought I could learn anything about myself? I thought I already knew EVERYTHING.
later.......
Grace, so join the club, we learn things about ourselves and our partners constantly.
ReplyDeleteNothing is static in a relationship, change is necessary for growth.
Marriage is often an exercise in make and mend, it seems to me that you are doing well.
Keep on keeping on Grace that all any of us can do.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Grace~ I honestly believe that this road we're on that we call life never stops twisting, turning, bending, etc which causes us to forever be changing and growing. You're fine. And no, you NEVER contradict yourself. yeah. Right. Don't make me pull that post back up!!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs~
Eva
Grace, you said it all when you said you had the best husband ... he understood ... and he wants to know what you're thinking. As long as you two are communicating, then all is ok. All will be well!
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Cindy
Grace,
ReplyDeleteIt not that I am going to stop my demanding details but I do understand. And if you will promise to keep giving Bossman all the details I guess I can wait. I am only now learning to talk to Nick but I am also seeing how well it works. It does help me understand myself when I force my self to explain things so that he can understand. We're getting there girl!!
Hugs,
PK
Grace I love learning new things about me, and also about me. Hey can you post a little about the book? I might want to get that one!
ReplyDeleteHuggs
Theresa
I liked the book, but I disregarded some of it and changed some of it around. I tried it and it really made a difference in my relationship with Gerald. Unfortunately, I didn't keep up with it. I reverted right back to old behaviors.
ReplyDeleteI think as long as you and Bossman continue to communicate, things will be great. No matter what version of "fluffy time" you employ : )
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you and bossman are trying something out. And communicating. I don't mind you contridicting yourself. And if it isn't how you want things it is ok too! I like that you share what you try, and works, and doesn't work, and how you try again. it keeps me motivated to keep trying too. Sometimes I think Papa Shrek and Bossman have a lot in common. We do to being that we both have kids in the mix. it is almost impossible for consistancy. if something works, I'd love to hear aobut it. I miss hearing from you!
Carye
We are women.
ReplyDeleteIt is redundant saying we are contradictory too. ;-P Goes without saying. hehehe
Seriously, Grace, for what it's worth, I certainly don't look at anything you write here as written in stone. You guys try something new, then drop it and try something else, well...that's your business. :) You choose to share or not, that's your business too. Don't get me wrong; I love it when anyone shares about their lives; that's how I can pick up ideas and wisdom and so forth too.
But bottom line; it's private and up to each person to decide. :)
Glad you and Bossman are talking and trying things and whatnot. Enjoy!
Hi, Grace, "live and learn" is one of the best cliches out there because its meaning is so real. You can't know how to proceed until your experience tells you which way to go.
ReplyDeleteHuggs,
Reesa
Grace, I know exactly what you mean. I too have often wanted my relationship to be some kind of fictional story that I have read online, but at the end of the day even if it was that story i'd probably want more then too!
ReplyDeleteI guess we just have to settle with what we have, and look for the good things within it.
But good luck with the new adjustments you're trying out, I hope they work for you both!
And I look forward to hearing about the 'Surremdered Wife' book, as that has also intrigued me and I would like to hear more about it before I buy.
Big hugs
Em x
Grace - it's so great to read that you and Bossman are communicating so well. And he "gets" you, so you can change your mind as many times as it takes until you guys find just the right mix. Contradicting yourself? ha! Who doesn't?!
ReplyDeleteIt's good to be reading your blog again.. I've missed you.
Cheers! SuZQ
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI agree so much with what emeraldeyes says. We long for our lives to be perfect as in the stories, and when they inevitably are not we feel cheated.
You're doing well on this path of trying to understand yourself, and, sure we change all the time, that's normal, not contradictory.
Well done, you're talking with Bossman - that's more than I can do.
Love
Ollie - opb