the package

Today is one month. One month since D passed. I miss her so much it hurts.

Of course the drama, the drama never dies!

Before I get to the drama, I'll get to the package.

The UPS guy comes to the door yesterday with a package. I had a pretty good idea what was in the package and a quick peek at the return address told me I was correct.

I immediately took the package to my room. I closed the door and started to cry.

The package was D. Well, part of D anyway.

Her wishes were to have part of her ashes spread at her favorite beach and part spread in a horse arena. The rest to be placed in the....what do you call it??....place where they put ashes at the cemetary. It's a wall of sorts, with plaques with the deceased names on it and they put the ashes in the wall.

Anyway....

So, the ashes came. I didn't think it would bother me so much....but I couldn't stop myself from thinking morbid thoughts. Like....

The last time D walked down this hall we were laughing about her flight being delayed back home.

The last time D was here, she was busy curling her hair and brushing her teeth in this bathroom that we just passed.

GAH! I could go on...but I think you get it.

It's just weird.

And, it's also illegal to spread human ashes at our beach. But we'll do it anyway.

Now, I know you are still reading because you want to hear about my drama. Seriously, if I were you, I'd be wanting to read about the drama. Don't deny it....my drama keeps you entertained.

My life would be so boring without all the drama...LOL

So, Sunday evening Bossman gets a call on his cell phone. He checks the caller ID and it's his dad. He picks up the phone and starts listening intently. He's not saying anything and he's getting a frown line in between his eyes. I immediately think someone else has died. He puts his finger up...motioning to me, just a minute....and then he puts his phone on speaker.

All I hear is the Debil screeching in the background and then the phone shuts off.

I don't know what she was saying, but Bossman heard plenty. Apparently, she was trying to make my FIL call us for info. I'm not sure WHAT info she wanted....but info is what she wanted. According to Bossman, the Debil was using her most hateful tone...which I think is her normal tone, to tell the FIL to call us and find out something. The FIL, using his most whipped voice ever, was telling her she better stay close so he says the right thing.

Bossman was PISSED!

So mad that he immediately went into the bedroom so he could call them back.

He told his father that he wasn't going to tolerate the Debils tone of voice anymore. He wasn't going to talk to her and as far as he was concerned he didn't want anything to do with her. He told his father that she was hateful and rude and unless and until she apologized and stopped acting hateful he was never going to speak to her again. He told his father that she will be lucky if he shows up to her funeral! He also told his father that he would be very happy if he divorced her. He told his father that he has lost ALL respect for someone that allows his wife to talk to him with that tone....and he wasn't putting up with it anymore. He said if his father wanted to talk to him about other things, that was fine, but he was DONE with his mother.

The FIL didn't say anything. At the end of the speech, the FIL asked if there was something else going on with D. (Uh...what??) Bossman, in the heat of anger, said, "Yes, but I'm not telling you!" and then he hung up the phone.

Now, I'm not sure what info they were after. The only thing left with D is the ashes, but I just recieved those yesterday. I mentioned to an Aunt, when D first passed, that we hoped her hubby would honor her wishes about the ashes at the beach....but that was at the beginning and I didn't know anything then.

So, we can only assume that the Aunt asked the Debil what was happening with the ashes. The Debil must have wanted to know. BUT, guess what?

We decided not to tell anyone about the ashes. Bossman and I decided to honor D's ashes alone, just the two of us. We already had the memorial, so there isn't a need for another, and we weren't about to tell the Debil about the ashes. As it is, Bossmans youngest sister said something about having some ashes to wear around her neck....eww! Bossman and I both agree that is just too creepy and D wouldn't have wanted that!

So, hopefully, this ends the drama portion of the summer. Hopefully the Debil will not call here anymore. Bossman made it perfectly clear that he was done with her. One morning soon, Bossman and I will get up with the sunrise, take D's ashes to the beach and fufill her final request.

I am under no grand illusion that the Debil drama is over. But from past experience, I know she won't call here for a long time. It will probably be months before we hear from her again. Now that D is gone she has no reason to call....or have her minion call...here anymore.

For that.....I am truly grateful!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Drama free table for one....please?

Thanks for all the comments. I've been reading them and some of them (NICK) cracked me up!

The memorial was very dignified and I know D would have been happy with it. And yes, the Debil wore her hajeeb. (Is that what they call it??)

So, I bet you are all wondering about the condom. What a proud moment that was in my life.

I suppose you could say I brought it on myself. Of course I knew that when we went out of town that she would have "the boy" over. Although he's really not a boy....

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning. A very good place to start, according to the Sound of Music....LOL

When D died, we had to go to Vegas. The wildchild didn't want to go. She said she could only handle one memorial service so she opted to go to the one here in town. That was fine with us, as we needed someone to take care of the dog.

So, on the day we are heading back from Vegas I get a call from the wildchild. She tells me that this boy she likes is taking a train from Southern Cali, to visit her. Actually, she said he was going to move here.

The story goes, the boy, (Oh wait, he's a MAN....he's freaking 26.) was living with his grandma, and the grandma got put in a nursing home and he was now homeless. He figured he might as well be homeless here in our town instead of being homeless there. Where he grew up. Where his family is.

So, he decides to take a train here. My daughter....19 years old.....told him not to come, but he came.

When we got home from Vegas, she was just going to pick him up from the train. I asked where he was staying the night, but the wildchild had no idea where he was staying.

Around 11 that night, he's still here. Bossman started calling homeless shelters...but they don't answer at 11 at night. Mind you, this is a guy we don't know. We only met him once before. So, we tell the wildchild he can't stay here. She's upset, because she's has a kind heart and doesn't want to just leave him on the street. Frankly, neither did we...but we didn't invite him or tell him he could stay with us. AND...he's 26 YEARS OLD!

So, the wildchild finds a friend to let him sleep on the couch.

And this is how it works out for the next 2 weeks.

Every morning he shows up at my door for the wildchild. He leaves with the wildchild when she goes to work, he comes home with the wildchild when she gets off of work and she takes him to the friends house at 11 at night.

Every time I saw the wildchild, he was with her. Oh, did I mention he had NO money. He had nothing. So she was buying him food and driving him everywhere.

So now, we are going to Disney. Of course the wildchild can't go because she has to work and she has a leech hanging on to her.

We KNEW she would have him over all night. I mean, I'm not as dumb as I look...

But what could we do? We had to just pretend we didn't know.... Of course I gave her the safe sex talk, which she totally poo-poo'd.

We get home from Disney and I'm vegging on the couch. It had been a LOOOOOONG drive home and I was tired. The little man walks into the living room and says, " I don't know what this is, but the dog just brought this from the wildchild's room." He's looking down, so I look down and there is the used condom....on his foot.

Um.......

Right......

So, he scurries out of the room and I pick up the thing....YUCK....and walk to the wildchild's room. I knock because god knows what I'll find in there....and when she opens the door, I hand her the condom and say " I have a present for you." And then.....I slam the door.

Now, I'm not sure how Bossman didn't notice all this going on....but he didn't. I wasn't sure what my next move was going to be, so I went and sat back down....to think.

About 30minutes later, I'm still sitting there trying to decide what the hell I was going to do. Bossman comes into the room and tells me the little man isn't feeling well and when asked he said he was sick and that the wildchild was in big trouble. Heh.

So, I had to tell Bossman what happened.

cue the scary music.

He was NOT a happy camper.

BUT, to his credit, he decided to let me handle it. Um, yeah.....I wasn't sure what the heck I was suppose to do.

So, meanwhile, they somehow snuck out of the house. I called her and told her to get back home so we could have it out and DON'T bring him with her.

When she came home, I talked and talked and talked. I told her he wasn't welcome in our house anymore. I told her it was disrespectful to pull that crap in our house. I told her I was glad she used a condom, but did she KNOW how many people that guy has slept with? Because she just slept with all of them. I said I hoped to god the condom didn't have a hole or break because we'll know in 9 months.

So, she left. Then she told him to GO HOME!

Of course he had to find someone to send him money. I think he finally got his mother to wire him some money because she took him to the train station and he's GONE! YAY!

The little man is fine....and YES, he knew exactly what it was....why do you think he brought it to me on his foot??? Smart kid.

As for the wildchild??? I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do with her. I'm thinking it's time for her to move OUT! GAH!

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remind me again....

Ok, Disney was ok. It was lovely watching my son have such a good time. We took his friend with us and the two boys cracked us up the entire time. It was africa hot there and I was miserable, but Oh well.....it's life. I couldn't go on most of the rides, due to my neck, but I still managed to go on some. Anyway, I survived and now I just want some peace and quiet!

Oh wait....I live with a 19 year old and a 12 year old...there is no peace or quiet in this house.

Oh...and there was drama when we returned from Disney with the wild child. I don't call her the wildchild for nothing.....she delivered right on schedule. But I'll tell that story another day.

Today, I'll finish up the Debil story.

When last I posted. I had just finished telling you how we were having a memorial for D in our town and we were bracing for the debil. This will be the first time she's stepped foot in our church for numerous years and YES, she would wear her hajeeb? (you know....the head scarf thingy)

We had managed a few discussions with my FIL. We told him we didn't not want drama. If there was to be drama, Bossman and his father were going to get up and escort her out of the church. We already warned the sound guys to turn off her mic...should she get a hold of one.

The FIL assured us that she didn't want to say anything at the memorial. YAY! I was so relieved!

Until the day before the memorial. The FIL calls. I answer. He says the Debil has decided she wants to speak at the memorial....

cue the scary music.....

I think I said...."uh, no?" Yes, I do have a way with words, don't I?

I then handed the phone to Bossman. Smart move on my part....

Bossman listens a few minutes and then says things like, nope, no, NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

He realizes that the Debil is listening in on the conversation. He tells his father that his mother is not a nice person, she's burned all her bridges and WHAT in the HELL could she possibly need to say to our church?

Now, let me clarify. We are not mean people. We sent them a copy of the eulogy and we asked them if they had anything they would like to add. FIL called and wanted me to add a few comments that he remembered...which I did. THEN he called and said that the Debil wanted to have her name in the eulogy changed..... That's right folks, she wanted her name different from the one she uses and the one that everyone knows her by. THANK god it wasn't a mus*lim name. So, although we were NOT happy.....we did it. Just to limit the drama. We also asked them for pictures because I made a slide show. The FIL....he brought me ONE...ONE picture is all they could come up with. Apparently they were in a shed somewhere in the back and they didn't have time to get to them....although.....they had 2 weeks....

Thank goodness I had pictures.

So now suddenly, she wants to speak that the memorial.

Um NO! That wasn't going to happen. Bossman told them NO! After a very uncomfortable conversation with his father, Bossman hung up the phone. He had said no and I was very happy.

Of course, it's never as simple as that. A couple of hours later there was another call from the FIL. This time he was alone. He tried to tell Bossman that she wasn't going to say anything bad, but she wanted to clarify things. What thing? You ask? She wanted to make sure that everyone knew she was raised by her parents and they were good people dammit! (Ok, I added the dammit for dramatic purposes....LOL)

Bossman told his Dad no again. He and the pastor were the only two that would be speaking at this memorial. If the Debil got out of hand...we would deal with it.

Finally, the day of the memorial, the FIL called and said she wasn't going to be speaking after all. DUH!!!! Of course she wasn't. We weren't letting her and that was that.

Now, doesn't it strike you all funny that WE...Bossman and I...are the ones doing the memorial, instead of her PARENTS???

Well, the memorial was a success! The Debil behaved herself and everything was nice. She sat in the back of the church and was very cold to us...but we could have cared less.

After the service, we had a pot-luck. I waited to see what the Debil had in store...but amazingly enough, everyone was very kind to her and she behaved herself. I think she enjoyed the attention everyone was giving her. The people of my church are AWESOME! They treated her with kindness and warmth. I was really proud. I was proud of Bossman for being such an awesome brother and speaking such wonderful words about his sister. I know D would have been really, really proud of how everything turned out.

When we went to say goodbye to the Debil, she was sitting with a few of our church friends. People she's known for 20 plus years. We walked up and she told Bossman that he did a really great job and she was proud of him. So, that was nice. Until...

One of the friends at the table knew how much work I had done for it. So she said, Grace did a lot too! The Debil just glared at me. HAHAHAHAHA! Whatever, you old bat! LOL

So, now that it's over I can breath a sigh of relief. It's going to be a long time before life can get back to normal, but I'm just glad D isn't suffering anymore. I will miss her. She and I would have spent hours on the phone discussing the Debil and all her drama. We called it the "mama drama".

Oh, and the name change in the eulogy? Bossman skimmed over it so fast...I don't think anyone noticed....LOL

Next post: What to do when your dog carries a used condom out of your teenagers bedroom...

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Who put the fun in funeral?

We promised the little man we would take him and a friend to Disneyland this summer. We promised that when I was done with treatment we would take him. And we were suppose to go two weeks ago.

Then....well...you know what happened.

But now, now we will go because...

We promised...dammit!

So....

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to Disney we go....

We leave tomorrow. I'm not to thrilled. I just started new meds and I'm tired from the last two weeks and, and, and.....BLAH!

But, we will go. And dammit...we will be HAPPY!

Lord knows we could use some happy right now. Plus, Friday will be D's birthday and what better way to celebrate than at the happiest place on earth....right? Somebody agree with me!!!!

Before I go, I'll leave you with a tid-bit of mus*lim goodness.

SHE....wasn't invited to the memorial in Vegas. As a matter of fact, there was a time when D said she didn't want her parent coming to her memorial OR to even know where she was going to be buried.

I'm pretty sure that was D's way of protecting her husband and his family. I mean, his family did everything for her and the mus*lim? Well, for the first year and a half, after D was diagnosed....they didn't even speak. It was only last December, when D came to visit us that she decided to visit her mother and father. So, the last 6 months have been sort of a reconciliation. BUT, no love fest. The, (well, I shouldn't call her the muslim...for that is disrespectful to muslims when I use it in a derogatory way...right?.....let's see, lets just call her the Debil, like in the Waterboy) Debil loves to talk about all things islamic. Every conversation includes the words mohammad and quran, even though we have all clearly told her we are not interested in that kind of stuff.

The Debil thinks that she is the head of the household. We should honor and respect her...LOL and that she should be able to tell us ANYTHING and we should respect her enough to listen to what she has to say. EVEN if she tries telling my then 8 year old son that the Americans bombed the world trade center and that the air force base near our house has hidden bunkers with prisoners in it that the Americans are torturing.

Also, she also hates everyone....she's told and aunt that she hates me. I'm a back-stabbing liar. She's told my daughter that the aunt is a bitch. (yes, apparently the Debil cusses) She's told Bossmans youngest sister that we are all liars.

Yes, the Debil likes to pit her kids against each other. Isn't that what parents are suppose to do?

As a result of this charming personality.....the Debil has no friends. She has no life outside of her computer where she chats it up with others of her kind. She's even gone so far as to tell us all that she wants to change her last name to a friends last name that she met online. I don't know his last name....but his first is.....well, you guessed it....it's mohammad. I'm not sure where this guy lives...but she sends him money and wants to move to his country.

Of course, I know what your thinking.....where the hell is her husband? I think he lives in candy land. It's the land of gum-drop forest and candy cane lanes. According to him, he's just along for the ride and.....I kid you not....he's just waiting for Jesus to come again.

That pretty much sums up why the Debil wasn't invited to the memorial. Did I mention that she hates D's in-laws? D's MIL made the mistake of calling the Debil and asking for money. The money was to help D travel to and from Houston. You know...to save her LIFE?? The Debil didn't like that. So, the Debil told the MIL off. So, you can probably guess how the MIL feels about the Debil. Not to crazy about her....

So, back to the memorial. D didn't want the Debil there and the in-laws were in full agreement. We were the only family to attend the one in Vegas. There was NO mention of the Debil at the memorial. As a matter of fact, there is an online memorial page and the biography doesn't even list the Debil as a survivor. As hateful as the Debil sounds....even I couldn't believe they weren't mentioned as survivors.

Regardless of how the picture has been painted....when Bossman and D were growing up, they didn't have a terrible childhood. There was no abuse, the Debil wasn't mus*lim yet and although they were raised in a strict christian home....it was not terrible. So, although the last couple of years have been bad...I do think they should have been listed as survivors.

AND....they are her parents and although they are misguided...LOL They are also mourning the loss of their middle child.

Needless to say, the Debil was not happy when she found the website. Nor was she happy that she wasn't invited to Vegas.

Since we live 6 hours from Vegas and D grew up where we live, we decided to have our own memorial. We couldn't keep the Debil from coming to ours. For one, the Debils hubby goes to our church. For two, we weren't planning on hiring bodyguards to keep the Debil out of our church.

We were....I should say...I was completely worried that the Debil would cause trouble. She hates everyone at our church. She hates me....and she's not very happy with Bossman, since he hasn't talked to her for 2 months. As a matter of fact....she was really pissed that we didn't call her with our condolences. But we didn't care. We were doing the memorial and she wasn't going to ruin it.

Except she wanted to say something at the funeral.

Too bad I don't have time to tell you the rest....LOL

I'll let you know if Disney really is the happiest place on earth. Frankly, I don't think so. I think the happiest place on earth is my couch with a cool drink and a good book. But, I could be wrong.

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life goes on...

When someone I love dies, I start obsessing over death. Of course my own bout with cancer has doubled that obsession. Every little thing is cancer. Cancer, cancer, cancer. The bump on my elbow? Cancer. The zit on my forehead? Cancer. I have what some would call canceritis. I'm hoping it will go away soon.

Dying is such a personal, emotional thing. It's so frustrating for us to sit back and watch this dying thing. It seems like we should be able to stop it. Surely there is something we can do to stop this thing called dying.

D is gone. I am left to contemplate life and death. Sometimes I wonder how we can all go on. I mean....D DIED! She's dead. She isn't going to call me on the phone and grouse over the mus*lim. How is it that I still took a shower today and washed my hair and she didn't? Couldn't? How do we still manage to laugh and eat and play and love, when she can't?

Of course, life goes on. It's weird how that happens. It feels like everyone in the world should just stop. On the day she died, Bossman and I went out to the store. I kept wondering why everyone was still shopping. Didn't they know someone had died...that very day? It almost seemed wrong for us to be shopping.....it seemed out of place. But we did it and life went on....

Why do I always feel like laughing at funerals? Something always makes me laugh and the harder I try not to laugh, the worse it is. It's so inappropriate. Lucky for me, this laughing came at the end of the Vegas memorial and we were outside, so I was able to hide it pretty well.....

Before I tell you what made me laugh, let me explain the memorials. Yes, there were 2. The musl*im was not invited to the Vegas one. I know....seems harsh not inviting the deceased own mother....but D did not want her mother there. She made that very clear to those of us around her. I believe she was protecting her husband and his family from her and her drama. I'm glad she did. The Vegas service was beautiful and her Vegas family did a great job. Bossman, the little man and I were the only ones there from her family. Trust me....it was better this way.

The memorial was nice. Bossman did the eulogy and it was very sad but I think we honored her well. D's husband said it was good. It was hard to write it. But between Bossman and myself I think we did a good job. After Bossman did the eulogy, there were words of comfort from a clergy person. She was an interesting Reverend. She had spiky gray hair. She seemed nice. But why do they go and pray to the picture? There was a big picture of D in the front and she did some sort of prayer thingy to the picture. I'm not sure what religion that is, but I thought it was kind of funny. (I don't mind that sort of thing, it just struck me as funny)

BUT...that was not the part that made me laugh. After the words of comfort, they asked us to step outside because they were going to release doves. I've never seen that done before....so I thought that would be cool.

We get outside and they ask D's hubby to hold one of the doves. He was to release it after the other doves. Apparently, the doves symbolize the angels leading the way to heaven and the dove that D's hubby would release would symbolize D's spirit following them to heaven.

Um....ok. Sound kind of neat....so far.

While they are explaining this to us...the lady in charge of the doves doesn't know D's hubby's name. Um....why are you not prepared? So as she's letting out the doves and she's talking, she has to lean in to ask him his name. Um...NOT cool! How do you not know the widowers name?

Anyway, they release the doves and there is music playing and it's actually kind of peaceful. We stand there for about 5 minutes watching the doves fly around and then...

Well, then the lady says it's the end of the dove ceremony. And we are all feeling peaceful until she says...

"For those of you worried about the doves...don't be worried. They live on the other side of the field and will come home when they are ready."

Um......What? So those aren't really angels? LOL That wasn't D's spirit? LOL

OMG! Way to break the mood lady....LOL

It was all I could do to keep from laughing.

Everyone was jerked out of the peaceful moment. It was a little awkward, but plenty funny and I kept thinking that Darla would have loved that! She would have cracked up with us.

But, I suppose you would have had to have been there....... LOL

Next post: How to piss off a mus*lim. Or: How hateful can one person be???

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My hero, my friend, my sister...

On June 27th, D fell asleep and didn't wake up again. Her body battled hard to stay alive, but the cancer was too powerful and her liver was too weak to take any more.

She was 36 years old. Friday July 16th will be her 37th birthday. The birthday she won't celebrate with us.

You all know her as the cancer patient. That's really all I've told you about. But she was so much more than that. I'd like to share a tiny bit of her with you.

Her passion was horses. She's had a horse since she was 12 years old. (which is the same year I met her.) She had everything horses and went so far as to buy a NFL Colts watch...because it was pink and it had a horse shoe. (She wasn't into football...LOL) Her latest horse was a rescue horse from Hurricane Katrina. Her favorite type of riding was dressage. I'd tell you more...but I know nothing about horses.

She loved the color pink. Hence the pink watch. She loved having her nails done and having her hair done and she loved looking good. She was beautiful.

D loved life. She loved everything about it. She loved animals. She had a dog that passed away last year and she had that dog for 17 years. That's almost half of D's life. That dog was her baby. D had no children of her own.

Her husband....he's devastated. He was the love of her life. He was sleeping with her when she took her last breath. He was D's angel.

The last 2 weeks have been harder than I ever thought possible. We went to Vegas for her funeral and then a week later had our own memorial here in our town. Both tributes were beautiful and sad and hard. Bossman gave the eulogy at both. His sister would have been proud! He did an amazing job.

Now that the memorials are done....we must move on. And we will. She would have wanted us to mourn and then get on with life.

Now that I've written the sad news.....BOY do I have stories to tell. Even in the saddest times....funny stuff happened. AND no memorial could be complete without drama from the mus*lim. So...stay tuned....

But for now.....hug your family! Be grateful....Be happy!

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just humming along

Just popped in to let you know that things are still humming along.

D is still hanging in there. There was a point when we thought we'd never talk to her again and then.....she called. She is hard to understand but she's still hanging tough. She says she is getting her strength back a little, so that's a good thing. We are still trying to decide when we should go back over there. Next week...maybe.

So...believe it or not....life is pretty good right now! I'm feeling good. We are starting to enjoy summer. We are taking the little man and his friend to Disneyland in the middle of July. We are planning a camping trip...not sure when, but sometime this summer.

AND....

Yesterday, Bossman gave me a spanking!

You know things are looking up when a spanking is involved. (Oh wait...I was actually looking down when that happened!)

Bossman took yesterday off of work and so we had some time to run errands and just be together. The little man went to a friends house and so we had some alone time. Bossman thought this was a great opportunity to spank me. He got out a nice flat wooden spoon. Personally, I don't think that was fair. My butt is practically a virgin. It's been so long since I was spanked, I forgot what if felt like. Turns out...IT HURTS! And the spoon didn't help much!

I was a big baby about the whole thing and Bossman said he stopped way too soon. But you know what? It was nice! Sure it hurt like hell. But it was so nice to feel "normal" again. (yes, I realize I'm not really normal) It was nice to have my hubby be in complete control and not have a worried look on his face. It was nice to just be US again!

All that, and I think we are getting a new bed!

So, for right now.....for this very moment in time....

Life is good!

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the waiting game

This past week has been a whirlwind of emotion.

Friday was my last day of radiation! YAY me! I'm done with cancer and I couldn't be happier.

On Monday, I couldn't be happy that I wasn't going to the doctor at 4:15, because I had another appointment about my neck. Turns out....it's not as bad as it sounds.

It's bad...in the sense that I'll be dealing with this the rest of my life and I'll have to be extra careful...but surgery is NOT in the immediate future.

As a matter of fact, my doc has had neck problems and so he knows exactly what I'm going through. He says that if the pain is not consistent for at least 6 weeks and if I don't lose any strength in my hands, I need to do nothing...except no lifting things above my head.

Friday was the last day of radiation and also the last day my neck hurt bad. Now that I know the problem...I realize that the act of laying on the radiation table with my arms above my head and my neck turned....well that is why I have been hurting all month. I haven't had any pain since Saturday....so that is good!

So, as far as I'm concerned...it's all good news! The bad news?

We feel like we are just sitting around waiting for D to die. Everything seem to be going downhill pretty fast and we were bracing ourselves for the worst and then last night....D called.

She hasn't been able to talk or move for over a week, so a call from her was surprising and wonderful! Apparently, they gave her some meds to help with some swelling on her spine and it caused her to be able to function better. So....it's still a waiting game, but nobody knows how long this will go on.

It's stressful waiting. We are contemplating another trip to Vegas....but that would be 3 times in a month and frankly, it's wearing on our finances! We are worried that we would go and then have to go back a week later for a funeral. It's a dilemma! Bossman feels like he's already said goodbye to her....but if she wants to see us again....we'd have to go!

I am having a bit of survivors guilt and D's not gone yet. I wonder why I had a relatively easy time of cancer and D has had to go through so much. Her hubby called the other day and asked how I was doing and I said I was fine and treatments were over.....and then I felt bad telling him that since he was there...watching his wife die.

I know I shouldn't feel that way but I can't help it. It's just sad and confusing.

Boy, I can't wait until I can just write a post and not have a single sad thing in it!

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Where do I begin?

This week has been so full of stuff, I don't even know where to begin.

Let's start with last Friday. Friday was suppose to be a great day. It was the start of a three day weekend. Bossman's band was going to play a real honest-to-goodness gig at a car show and the weather was perfect. But as with all things, Friday did NOT turn out as planned....

First there was the pesky little thing called radiation that I had to attend to. They changed my appointment to earlier in the day, so I was there at 1. Now, I've still been having pain in my neck and chest, not a lot, but enough. So Bossman drove me to the appointment. We figured there was plenty of time to get it done, pick up the little man and head to his gig, since he didn't need to be there until later in the evening.

Have you heard the saying....the way to make God laugh is to make plans? Well, God sure laughed on that day!

Since I was still having pain, I asked to see the doc after my treatment. I just wanted her to double check that my heart and stuff was ok, since I was still hurting. She wasn't there, but the other doc was....so I saw him after treatment. He took a good long listen to my lungs and heart and then...

Well, he thought one side of my lung sounds sounded off. So, he told me I should go to the ER. Yep, the emergency room.

I walked out to the car, unable to figure out how I was going to tell Bossman....as he was suppose to go to his gig...that he'd been practicing for.....for over 2 months.

I told him. Because it was time to pick up the little man, and we were RIGHT next to the ER, he took me to the ER and then he went to pick up the little man. He called my daughter and asked her to come stay with me.

I was having some pain....but I really didn't think I needed the ER. So I wasn't really too worried. I sent Bossman to his gig with the little man and I hung out in the ER. After setting a record for the shortest time I've EVER been to the ER....only 3 hours, the verdict was.....I was fine. Chest x-ray was clear and the heart was fine.

I was able to call Bossman and tell him that I was fine. This was 30 minutes before the gig was suppose to start. My daughter was going to drive me over to the gig. However....

The singer for Bossman's band had a small problem. He is on probation (who knew?) and because he was sick he took some cold meds. Problem is...they did a random drug test on him and guess what? It came back positive. So...he was put in the slammer. Bossman's band....had no singer! I ended up staying home....Bossman called and said someone else in the band got a friend to help them and they ended up playing.....

It turned out ok....but Bossman was clearly upset by the whole thing and has now quit the band! Of course, there is more than one reason for quitting....but this was pretty much the final straw!

So, that was Friday.

The weekend was ok....the pain seemed to be dying down, so it wasn't too bad. Bossman took the wildchild to see D and that was VERY upsetting for him....because she's going downhill very quickly. But it was good for the two of them to go.....it could be for the last time. Who knows?

Meanwhile....my doc scheduled me for an MRI. I had the MRI on Tuesday, which happened to be the same day as my little man's birthday. Ironic that I was in the same hospital on the same day, 12 years apart. Too bad I didn't get to come home with a bundle of joy this time.

Have you ever had an MRI?

You could have warned me!

Oh-MY-GOD!

That was the craziest thing I've ever done! Ever see the older Star Trek movie...the one where Spock dies and they put him in a space pod and shoot him out to space? THAT is what I felt like. I thought for sure they were going to shoot me out to space. Since I'm not claustrophobic, I just closed my eyes and tried to think good thoughts. BUT....nobody told me it was going to be LOUD! The noises were insane! Honking and beeping and drilling sounds....and they gave me earplugs and it was still loud. I had to stay in the space pod for 15 minutes......it was a little freaky. Then they pulled me out...shot some dye in my arm and made me go back in for 10 more minutes. I was NEVER so glad to get out of that thing.

Anyway, today I found out some good news and some bad news......which would you like first?

Ok...good news first! Friday is the last day of radiation! Hooray for me! I'm so glad this part over! The other good news? The MRI did not show any cancer or tumors anywhere. YAY me!

Now the bad news. The pain.....the pain is coming from a bulging vertebrae disc in my neck. Apparently the usually only happens in a older person. Apparently my bones are degenerating. Apparently, I am a 42 year old, living in an 82 year old body! (Ok, the last one is an exaggeration, but I think you get my point)

Now mind you, my cancer doctor was the one telling me this...so she doesn't have the knowledge that an orthopedic doctor has....so when she told me....she was just reading the results and right away was telling me I would need surgery and it's very serious and pretty much scared the crap right out of me!

Luckily, Bossman came with me....just in case there was bad news....so he listened better than I did. BUT....after I met with her...it was time for my treatment and I had to wait.....so while I was waiting...she called my regular doc and HE told her that there were other treatments available and might not be as bad as she made it sound to me.

So, while I was on the table....they have to move the table 4 different times....so it was during one of the moves, she came running in and was so happy to tell me the news wasn't so dire! So....I was happy about that. Then she went out and told Bossman.

I thought I was going to burst into tears when I got out to the parking lot....but instead I left feeling a tad bit more hopeful....plus I learned I only have 2 more days of radiation left!

Did I mention my son had a birthday yesterday???? He did. And I love him!

Did I mention that I'm writing this at 1 in the morning because I can't sleep and I wanted to google bulging neck discs?

Well at least it's not more cancer.....right????

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Life sucks...and not in a good way!

It seems everything I write about these days is depressing and boring. 2010 is just not my year!

I can't tell you how many times people have said I look good. I guess when you find out someone has cancer....you think they are going to look bad or something. I suppose if I was having chemo, I might look bad....but since I get to keep my hair, I guess I look good. It's nice of people to say, but sometimes I wonder....did I look bad before? I think I look the same, but heck, what do I know?

D isn't good. Last weekend was bitter sweet. I kept thinking (to myself) that this might be the last time I see her. She's not bed ridden yet, but the docs have said there is nothing more they can do for her. I kept wishing time could stand still. My mind kept randoming thinking about how life will be when she's gone. She was wearing flip flops and I kept thinking about her toes and how unfair it was to her toes that she was going to die and her toes were so pretty and so young looking and how unfair for her toes to have to die along with her. Toes? I was thinking about her toes? Is this really how people think when a loved one is dying? Or have I just jumped into the deep end without my floaties?

As a human, (why yes, I am, in fact, a human) I can't help but question why. I know there isn't an answer that would satisfy me, but still. People are always saying that we are suppose to learn things from death and from dying and from having bad things happen.

A story was told to me about a husband that was watching his wife die. As this was happening, someone told him that maybe this was so he could learn to be more compassionate. Maybe now, he would be more compassionate to others. His response? I don't want to learn that lesson....I just want my wife to live.

If there is a lesson to be learned from what is going on with D, or for that matter, with myself....I don't want to learn it. Is the lesson really what's important here? Maybe.....but I just want D to live. Surely there is an easier way to learn lessons. And really....what lesson is that important that it takes someone death to learn?

I've tried to write all week. I don't want my blog to be depressing all the time, but hell, this is my life. It's what I'm dealing with and so I'll write about it. Life isn't always sunshine and flowers.

Sometimes, life just sucks!

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on the road again....

We decided to head to Vegas this weekend to visit D. Things haven't improved much....but she's not in the hospital and she really wants to spend the day with us. We will leave tomorrow afternoon....drive for 7 hours....and finally arrive. Since this isn't really a vacation, we aren't planning on hitting any of the big casinos. Besides, we will have the little man with us. I'm sure we will mostly just be hanging out with her at her house. Hopefully, she won't go back into the hospital. But, we've learned that she can land in the hospital in a moments notice.

It will be good not to think about the radiation for a couple of days. After talking to the techs today, it sound like I have 28 treatments...the way I'm doing them now...and then they do 6 or 7 treatments at a different angle. Since, right now, I'm laying on a table with my arms over my head....I can't imagine what this new angle is going to be about. Luckily there isn't as many of those.

As it looks right now....my last treatment should be on June 8th.

Keep that date open for the party!

Have a great weekend!

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another year older and deeper in debt....

I'm sure the title of this post is part of a song. I can't seem to remember what song, but the line has been stuck in my head all week. And, ain't it the truth???

I had a GREAT birthday. I was treated to a lunch and a drive to the beach by Bossman. After my cancer killing treatment (must mention cancer with every post...LOL), we went out for dinner with the kids and my Mom. We came back to the house for ice cream cake (sorry PK, but it was really fattening and delicious!) and then it was time for PRESENTS!

Yes, I am a little kid when it comes to presents. I LOVE 'em! Let's be real, even if you say you don't want presents, you do....and even if you say you don't like getting presents.....WE don't believe you! Yes-you-do! You like presents, I like presents, we all like PRESENTS!

Back to presents....

My daughter gave me a beautiful heart necklace that says mom and it has a key and it says "a key to a full heart is love".

Let's all say....AWWWWWWWW...together now.

Next, my son gave me a book that I had wanted and (again, I'm sorry PK) a box of twinkies. YUM YUM. My boy knows me so well...

Bossman gave me, well, he's giving me... it's being ordered this week, a Kindle. Click on the link if you want to know what it is. I can't WAIT to get it. I love reading and I'm so excited to be able to have any book I want at my finger tips. I can hardly wait for it to come.

I hope you all you mothers had a great Mothers day. Mine was good. There were chocolate covered strawberries (sorry PK) and there was breakfast in bed. It was a very lovely day.

Last, but not least, I want to thank all my friends for stopping by to wish me a happy birthday. I appreciate all of you! And to my good friend Tracy for putting up this post for me! PK, you might not want to stop by, because it all looks delicious! Thanks Tracy for taking the time out to think of me! http://angelbrat454.blogspot.com/2010/05/happy-birthday-grace.html

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statistics show...

Statistics show the more birthdays you have the longer you live.

Makes perfect sense to me!

Guess that's a good reason to turn 42 today. And I don't feel a day over 41.

Thanks for a great year! It's been a hell since January but you all have made me smile! Sometimes that's all a girl needs.

I said SOMETIMES!

Now excuse me while I go kill off some more cancer cells!

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Just so I can get rid of the whiney post....

I think I'm done whining. At least for today. The boob, she hurts, but since I have 5 more weeks to go...well, no sense whining every-single-day! Even I get bored with that. This is not to say that I won't feel like whining tomorrow. Heck NO, I can't promise that.

In honor of not feeling like whining, I decided to post some pics of our new dog. Yes, I KNOW....we got her 3 months ago. But see, I have this little thing called cancer that keeps my mind from thinking about anything else. (YES, I played the cancer card and will continue to use it for as long as it works! Did it work?)

Anyway, we are getting used to our dog. For a short while there, I thought we had made a big mistake. BUT....she is a really sweet dog and now that we are used to her, we love her. (except at 4 in the morning when she tries to protect us from the neighborhood cats by BARKING!) My son is in love with her! And since he's the main reason we got her...well, we will call this a success!

So, here she is....


Isn't she a beauty?



And added in, for your viewing pleasure is a picture of my cactus. I love this cactus. I saved it from my moms house when she was moving and it was just sitting there so I took it. It's NEVER had flowers on it and I've had it for about 4 years. Isn't it beautiful?





Wasn't this nicer than whining??

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modesty? I gots none

Seems like when you have breast cancer you immediately lose your modesty. I don't know how that happens.

I don't seem to mind people looking at my breast. Really, why should I mind? I've already shown them to most of the west coast. To me, they are just body parts. It could be that since I've used them for feeding my babies, it just doesn't seem like there is anything more to be modest about.

Let's face the facts here.....my boobs are not very sexy. Seriously, after breast feeding my babies and now that I've had surgery....trust me, these girls have seen better days.

So, it's hard for me to relate to Bossman's concerns about people seeing my boobs. He's still upset about it. I'm frustated about it.

I just don't think it's a big deal. But...Bossman does. And since he does, it's causing a great deal of tension in our relationship right now.

Listen, he's not a bad guy for feeling this way. Seriously, before cancer, my boobs were only seen once a year by a doc. It was quick and painless and we didn't really discuss it. Now he has to face the fact that lots of people get to see my boobs and some get to see them on a daily basis. NOT FUN!

I don't think there is any way to get over it. I don't think he will. I don't think I will. Frankly, it's just a part of life and I have to deal with it for a least 5 more weeks.

While we are on the cancer subject, (is there another?) there seems to be a lot of people that I know that have cancer. This is upsetting....of course it is...but here's the kicker....

My cancer is not as bad as theirs. Although this is good news for me, it's also making me feel like I can't complain, or say anything about mine because...

Mine isn't as bad as theirs. Therefore, I cannot relate. Mine is like a cold compared to their swine flu. I am a sore throat from allergies while they are strep throat. It's not like this is a contest. Nobody is keeping score. So why do I feel like my cancer is suddenly, no big deal?

Crazy right?

I mean, lets face it.

I have cancer. Or, let me rephrase that....

I had cancer. Or wait....I think I should say...

I'm in treatment for cancer.

I don't know. Since I had the surgery, I guess this means I don't have cancer...but since I'm doing radiation, I'm still treating cancer and here's a question....

When am I considered a survivor of cancer?

Since I'm here, I guess I'm a survivor, right?

Also, this radiation crap is kicking me in the butt. Or should I say, boob? My left boob feels like a truck ran over it a few times. It's sore and last night I realized I can't lay on that side. UM...since I'm a side sleeper and I only had one side...let's just say a good night sleep was not had by me.

Does this mean I won't get a good night sleep for the next 5 or more weeks? I wasn't prepared for this. I was prepared for dicolored, sunburned looking skin. I was prepared for fatigue. I was not prepared to flinch every time I rub my arm against my boob too hard. I wasn't prepared to flinch when Bossman gave me a hug.

And while I'm in a ranting mood....why is it that everytime someone asks me how I'm doing I feel the need to downplay everything?

People give me the pity look and ask "How are you doing?" And I give a big fat smile and say, "I'm fine." But in my head I'm screaming, "I have cancer, how do you think I feel?"

So, my internal struggles continue. But they happen with a smile on my face.

Seriously though, I'm confused.

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grocery list

I found this on the failblog site. Apparently this list was found in a parking lot of a store.

I sure hope they got everything on the list!

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fragile

I'm on my second week of radiation. You should see the stickers and sharpie marks on my boob.....very sexy!

Speaking of sexy....

I feel like everything is on hold around here. Bossman and I have talked. He feels like I made him a villian in my other post. I honestly didn't mean to make him that way, he most certainly is NOT the villian in this story. If anything, he's the hero. He's the one that takes care of me. I couldn't get through this without him.

But, I feel like I'm fragile. I don't FEEL fragile, but I feel like I'm being treated like I'm fragile. Sex seems off. I know he doesn't want to touch the affected boob...and that's ok. But, he has sort of said that we are just going to have to wait until my treatment is over. Like we can't really be "normal" until the treatments are over.

I guess I can see the point, but I don't want to wait. I want him to spank me. I want him to make love to me. I don't want him to be upset when I talk about my treatments. Mostly, I wish I didn't have to walk on eggshells.

Sure, the treatments will be over in 6 more weeks. BUT, after that I get to start some hormone pills. Or, should I say, anti-hormone pills. I'm told that I will probably experience menapausal symptoms. YAY me. I'm guessing I will probably be even more fun to be around when I start that. I feel like until now everything was fine, but now that treatments have started....life just isn't going to be the same. When I say life, I mean my SEX life. Yep, cancer sucks!

Thing is, I shouldn't complain. I am getting off easy. I don't have to have chemo. All this stuff shouldn't be bothering me...right? I should just be happy with what I have. AND, I AM happy. But I thought women were in their sexual peak in their 40's. I'm about to turn 42. I think I'm going to miss my sexual peak. Stupid cancer!

So, what have we learned from this post?

Bossman is not the villian.

Cancer sucks.

I'm a big baby.

I think that just about covers it.

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100 things about me revisited

I missed my blogaversary. My blog is now officially 6 years old. How many years is that in human years?? Seems like blogs years should be like dog years....

This blog has been great. I never thought I'd be here this long. There are times I feel like I have run out of things to say. Just when I think it's time to take down the old blog, I find myself wanting to write more. I think it's just the ebb and flow of life. Sometimes there are things to say and sometimes not.

I will say that I have met some incredible people through this blog. Some I've met in real life and can't wait to meet again. Some I have only met through emails and such, but they still mean the world to me. After writing this blog for so long I have learned a couple of things.

1. The world is actually very small.
2. Spanking is everywhere.
3. The spanking world is actually not as kinky or as weird as I thought it was.
4. There are actually normal people who like spanking. (I use normal loosely)
5. There are some really great people that read my blog. (yes, I'm talking about YOU)
6. There are some really great blogs out there.
7. While writing this blog over the years, my kids grew up.
8. While writing this blog over the years, I grew up.
9. While writing this blog over the years, Bossman and I grew together.
10. I may not be the best writer in the world, but I sure do enjoy the company.

So, thanks everyone! I keep coming here and writing stuff and you keep reading. I guess that's what it's all about.

In honor of my 6th blogaversary, I thought I'd post my 100 list that I first posted in 2004. I didn't change anything, but I added my thoughts in red.

1. I'm a Taurus
2. I don't believe in astrology
3. I'm good friends with God
4. I go to church on Saturday
5. I have 2 wonderful children
6. They are a girl and boy
7. The only man I've ever slept with is Bossman
8. I don't think I missed anything
9. I get annoyed with stupid people easily
10. I can't hold a grudge against someone
11. I'm extremely forgiving
12. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt
13 I'm tall and used to wish I was short
14 I like being tall now
15 I never used drugs...ever
16 I've never smoked
17 I don't like the taste of alcohol
18 I played the cymbals in the marching band in high school
19 I love to sing for church
20 Survivor is my favorite TV show All this time and it's still my favorite show
21 I cry at weddings
22 My favorite dessert is cheesecake
23 Bossman makes me laugh
24 I don't like sucking cock
25 I will suck Bossman if it's clean and shaved
26 I like being spanked
27 I love reading
28 My favorite books are the Outlander series Still love this series
29 Clan of the cave bear is my second favorite book series Is it weird that I like Harry Potter better?
30 My favorite movie is "Officer and a Gentleman"
31 I love musicals
32 Grease is my favorite musical movie
33 I think Richard Gere is hot
34 Bossman is my first and only love
35 I was a cheerleader in 4th grade
36 My parents made me play basketball because I was tall...I sucked
37 My father left when I was 5
38 I didn't meet him again until I was 22
39 I still don't like him
40 My first car was a yellow Ford Fiesta
41 My first brand new car was a blue Chevy Sprint
42 I went to 8 different schools by the time I was in high school
43 I've lived in 5 states and Germany
44 Bossman and I have lived in 9 different homes 10 now
45 Bossman and I have been married 15 years 21 now
46 I love him more than when we got married
47 I do not like people standing in front of the stores selling something or trying to make you sign something
48 I can't stand watching people talk with their mouths full
50 I went to 3 different proms
51 2 of them were with Bossman
52 I wore the same dress to 2 of them
53 I still have one of my prom dresses
54 The wildchild thinks its ugly But she wore it for Halloween one year....dressed as a dead prom queen.
55 I saved my wedding dress for my daughter I doubt she'll wear it
56 I collect dolls
57 I also collect heart shaped jewelry boxes
58 I've never met another person with my name
59 My mother was a hippy
60 I'm hooked on reality TV, Survivor is the best show ever. Also love Amazing Race and Biggest loser
61 I hated the "swan" I don't even remember this show
62 I love country music
63 Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw are my favorites got to see Tim in concert last summer
64 Bossman and I do not have the same taste in music
65 my favorite color is blue
66 I met a friend on yahoo chat 7 years ago, and we've never met Still haven't met and now it's been 11 years...still her friend
67 I hope to meet her someday
68 I used to have a cat named Mr. Bill
69 I love the beach
70 It's the only place I can put things in perspective
71 Bossman is my best friend
72 I hate housework
73 I hate cooking
74 I love eating
75 I need to lose 20lbs Who am I kidding? more like 30 or 40
76 The weight on my drivers license is wrong
77 That weight is now my goal Still my goal
78 I hate spending money
79 I love window shopping
80 Having my kids was the best thing I ever did in my life
81 Marrying Bossman was the best decision I ever made
82 I enjoy good gossip
83 I once met Richard Simmons
84 Yes, he's like that everywhere he goes
85 I haven't been to the movies this whole year So far this year, I've seen Avatar and The blindside. Both great movies.
86 I hate it when people don't like me, even if I don't know them
87 My recliner makes me very happy Don't have a recliner anymore.
88 Fat people in spandex make me sick
89 I hate feet. I think feet are gross, and I can't stand anyone even touching my feet. YUCK!
90 I am a SIM freak....I love the Sims and could play the SIM game for hours without stopping. Still play the Sims, but not as much as I used to....it's now the Sims 3.
91 I hate my double chin.
92 I wanted to be a teacher when I got older Um...yeah, I don't know what I was thinking
93 I am now old and I don't think I'll be a teacher
94 I was a girl scout and a brownie
95 I consider myself to be a good girl
96 I like kinky sex
97 I have very ugly toes
98 Ebay is my favorite place to shop Hardly ever shop ebay anymore...I am getting into Amazon and I still prefer going to a real store.
99 I don't think I can think of anything else to say about myself
100 My kids are my life (did I say that?)

Whew, I didn't think I could think of 100 things about myself. That was hard.

Here's what I would add today:


101 I have breast cancer but I'm going to be ok
102 My SIL has liver cancer and probably won't make it through this year. She's only 36
103 I finally got to go to Hawaii
104 I met 3 good blogger friends and spouses and I can't wait to see them again.
105 6 years ago, my daughter was in 8th grade and my son was in kindergarten. My daughter has since graduated high school and my son is about to start junior high.
106 I love Facebook


There you have it. Everything you didn't want to know about me and more. Fascinating stuff. Almost as fun as watching paint dry.

Oh and one other thing....for a number of years, every time I closed a post I ended it like this:

later.......

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Aloha? Can I go back now?

Hawaii was awesome! We had such an amazing time. This picture was just one of the hundreds that we took. We had an amazing view of the ocean from our balcony. We had room service on that balcony. We snorkeled, we relaxed by the pool and we spent one whole day just driving....



Quite simply, this was probably the best vacation we ever took.

I came back feeling refreshed and relaxed....



That relaxed feeling certainly didn't take long to disappate. Monday was just a terrible day. Maybe it was just the let down of leaving our vacation. Maybe it was just hard to get back into the routine of daily life. Maybe, it was the fact that we had a million things to do that day.



Or Maybe, maybe it was the fact that I had to start radiation.



I went to the appointment and I had to drive Bossman's car. He has a very cool looking mustang, it has special features and such that make it impressive looking, (if you like that sort of thing). I had to drive it because he and the little man were taking the dog to a training session. Can't have the dog in the sports car.

When I walked into the appointment, I was asked by the guys/techs, if that was my car. They informed me that they loved mustangs, one of them has a mustang.

Anyway, we carried on with the appointment. Yes, I was the popular one with cool car....LOL

After the appointment, I went to Petsmart, where they were training the dog. They were finished so I took the boy and the dog home and let Bossman have his car back. Before getting into the car, I started telling Bossman that his car was very popular with the guys at the docs office.

I didn't see the harm in saying it. I thought he'd be interested. Usually he's pretty proud of his car and happy when people make comments.


Apparently, telling him that two GUYS were the ones doing the radiation, didn't sit well with him.

Apparently, he's not happy that two guys get to look at my boob everyday.

He didn't say anything to me, but I could tell immediatly by his body language that he was suddenly in a BAD mood.

Whatever..... I just headed home. I realized on the way what he was probably mad about....but frankly, what the hell am I suppose to do about it??


I figured by the time he got home, he'd be ok.

He wasn't.

So, I fixed dinner and tried not to get upset with him. I kept telling myself that this is a stressful time and we just got back from vacation and so I should just leave him alone. Which I did.

Now, right before we left for our trip, we had our shower fixed in our bathroom. It's been broken since we moved into the place and we were finally able to get a friend to come over and do the work for us. (He's a contractor) The shower was drying while we were gone, so it was suppose to be usable when we got back. All we had to do was put the sliding doors back on and put up the shower head.

Bossman....was upset with me, so he went into the bathroom to put the doors back on the shower. One of the doors broke.

When I say broke, I mean it shattered into a million and one pieces....all over the shower, the floor...everywhere.

I didn't hear it....but he came out to get the broom and told me. I grabbed a broom and went to help clean it up. It was a MESS. I helped for a while...neither of us saying anything to each other, and then suddenly he asks why I'm in there. I say I'm helping, he says he doesn't need help.


Fine.

I leave.

Well, breaking the shower door didn't help improve his mood.


After dinner, he went to play softball.

After the softball game, he got a speeding ticket.

You can guess that he wasn't in the best of moods when he got home.

Two days later....we still aren't talking much.

So much for that relaxing feeling I had upon returning from our trip.....

I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this. Part of me understands his frustration. I'm sorry all those things happened the day we got back from our trip. Yes, it was not a good Monday.

Part of me wants scream at him for treating me like I'm doing something wrong. I can't help who the techs are at the radiation place. Frankly, the radiation is scaring the hell out of me and I don't have him to talk to about it. I have to go to this place every single day for the next 7 weeks and have 2 beams of radiation on my boob. Right now, my boob is so marked up with sharpie markers that every time I take off my shirt, I feel like a freak. I have two marks that they put see-through stickers on, and I have to leave them on. Plus they outlined the whole boob from under my arm pit to the middle of my cleavage. This is apparently the area that can become affected by the radiation. The skin will probably start looking like a sunburn and in about a week, I may start feeling sharp pains in my boob and under my pit. I can't shave my pit or wear deodarant on that area either.

I understand that this is a stressful time for him. But it's a stressful time for me and I don't need him acting like this right now. I need to lean on him. I need to cry out my frustation and have him hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right. Right now, I haven't even told him anything about it. I didn't tell him how I lay there and they all leave the room and I have my head turned away, but the thingie is in front of me for the first shot and so I can't see anything but the thingie....but the thingie moves when they do the second shot and then I can see a sign blinking on the wall that says, beam on, beam on, beam on......


And just seeing that blinking sign that says beam on for the 30 seconds that it's on, scares the crap out of me...because that beam is shooting right into me.....and for those minutes...


I'm all alone in there. And I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.


So....


I'm sure things will work out. They always do. I know he's just upset and he had a bad day. I'm sure this will all just be a blip on the screen of life and everything will be fine.


But, I really would like to go back to Hawaii. For 5 whole days, I felt really good and I didn't even think about cancer.



Real life sucks!

But just so I don't leave you feeling depressed, I thought I'd leave you with a picture we took of a statue that was in our hotel.

If this picture doesn't cheer you up....nothing will.

Isn't that a great butt???

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Where have I been?

The past few weeks haven't been so great for me. I haven't been feeling well and it hasn't had to do with the cancer....since I haven't started any treatment for that yet. (other than surgery)

My SIL D hasn't been doing so great. She's been having a hard time with her liver. The cancer has gone down, but I think her liver just has too much damage to work properly. It's so frustrating!

As for me....well, I don't know what the heck is going on with me. I've been having weird spells of.....I don't know. I thought they were panic attacks, but on a smaller scale. Then they sort of drifted into just not feeling well. All my energy gets zapped and I don't want to do anything but sleep. I'm feeling better this week, so I'm not really sure what the heck is going on.

The doctors...oh so wise....said they were panic attacks and gave me some meds. I tried the meds......OH dear. They were NOT for me. They made me feel weird and more nervous and I spent the better part of a Saturday in bed. Bossman took me back to the doc 2 days later. It was a different doc than the one that gave me the meds. Same practice though and I've seen him before. Let's just say...the guy was a pompous ASS! I tried to tell him how the meds made me feel. He said I didn't give them enough time. I tried to tell him that I thought it could be hormones and he said there WASN't a test for that......HUH? No test for hormones? Listen, I know I haven't been to med school, but come ON! I know there are tests for that.

Bossman took me home and said we were NEVER going there again! I mean, sure, my symptoms started off looking like panic attacks...but then it was happening all day....surely I wasn't having one continuous attack all day long!

But I forgot. He went to med school and I.....didn't.

Like I said, I'm feeling better this week. AND I'm glad for it. One week from today I'll be in Hawaii! Come hell or high water...I'm going. Even if I'm sick...I'm dragging my butt to Hawaii! Shoot, I can be sick and still lay on the beach!

Well, that's life for now. I've had the CT scan and the little freckle tattoos that mark the place for the radiation. The day after I get back from Hawaii, I get to start radiation! Not really looking forward to it...but it has to be done.

Anyway, just know that I'm still around and hanging in there! I've been lurking on the blogs still...when I feel up to reading.

I love you guys!!!!!!!!

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life is good

You would not believe how many times I have opened and closed blogger and written and deleted drafts. I'd get part way through a post and someone would interrupt and by the time I came back, I wouldn't like what I had written....so I'd delete. Start again, only to be interrupted again!

So...this time, I will finish a post. And actually let you guys read it...

The decision on chemo was made. I prayed, I polled people, I googled and I cried. In the end, I decided chemo was not for me. 3 percent is not really a lot...and it turns out that most people would agree with me. Of course, some would argue that I should be doing everything humanly possible.....(yes MOM!) I believe at this point, I am doing everything humanly possible. The side-effects and other nonsense that came along with chemo just didn't seem like it was going to make much of a difference and the long term effects of chemo didn't sit well with me. Upon visiting the breast cancer boards and finding people in very similar situations, I determined that there wasn't a "right" answer, only one that I could live with. I, alone, had to decide what was best for me. Crazy, I know! Because I'm not used to making decisions based on MY needs. I'm usually worried about everyone else's needs.

So, no chemo. But I was quite proud that I had done research. I found things that I should ask the doc and (I won't bore you with our mundane discussion on breasts and ovaries)the doc was quite impressed with my good questions. It brought some things to his mind that he hadn't thought of and we are both on the same page as to the rest of my treatment. He says he has NO problem with me NOT doing the chemo!

Now that the decision has been made, I am feeling much better. I don't feel like I have something hanging on my shoulders. YAY me!

Connie Sven and I have broken up. Actually, Sven broke up with me. Seems I'm doing so well, Sven doesn't need to see me anymore! Today was my last day of physical therapy. Although Sven and I had a splendid time together....it was time for Sven to move on to someone else! Goodbye Connie Sven!

I think I mentioned that Bossman won a trip to Hawaii....
I haven't brought it up because I was worried I wouldn't be able to go on the trip. At the time, I wasn't sure what my treatment was going to be, so I didn't want to get to excited. But now it's time to get excited!!!!! I get to go!

The docs said I could start my radiation the day after I get back from Hawaii. Once I start the radiation, I will go every day for 7 weeks. That's right.....every-single-day! (except weekends) They didn't want me to miss one, so they said I could start when I get back. So from now until then...April 14th...I don't have any treatment. Well, I do have to go and get ready for the radiation. I'll have a CT scan and they will give me a couple of tattoos. (I'm hoping for a butterfly and a star...) Actually, the tats are freckle sized and they will permanently mark where they will be doing the radiation. They will also go through a test run with me, so they can make sure they will be shooting that radiation in the exact place they want it to go.

Oh, one more thing before I run.....

I got THIS....



for an anniversary gift.

I only have one word for it. OUCH!

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Seriously?????

Thank goodness it's mint flavored!

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Twenty-one

21 years ago, this man and this woman got married.....





The rest...as they say....is history!

Dear Bossman,
I love you more today than I ever did. You are my soul. Although the vows clearly stated "in sickness and in health", I had hoped that the sickness part wouldn't happen so soon. I don't know how I would managed to live without you by my side. I do know that I couldn't have survived this far without you. The journey has had many ups and downs but I always knew we would make it through together.

This breast cancer journey would have been much worse without you holding my hand and telling me that everything will be ok. I couldn't have done this alone. You have been my rock and my strength when I have fallen apart. You've prayed with me, you've held me and you've wiped away my tears. You've made me smile and laugh when I didn't think I could.

Saying I love you just doesn't seem like enough. I don't think I could ever truly tell you how much I love you. I don't think there are enough words in the whole world that could make you understand how I feel about you. You are my every breath that I take.

I am nothing without you.

Happy Anniversary, my love! I can't wait to see what the next 21 years will hold!

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not-so terrible Tuesday

It's only 10 am, but I have a feeling today won't be so bad. I get to visit "Sven". So that should prove interesting.

Yesterday went from bad to worse. Yes, Bossman held me and I tried to explain that I will not always be in a good mood. In fact, from what I've read about some of the drugs I'll have to take...I may not be in a good mood for the next 5 years. (that's how long I'll be taking the drug.)

I tried to quit wallowing and spent the evening watching cheesy tv shows.

At one point, I got up to use the bathroom. A girl does have to pee once in awhile. I used the bathroom that is connected to the laundry room. After I finished AND washed my hands....I walked through the laundry room.

Then I decided to do a triple toe loop over the laundry basket.

The judges marked me down because I didn't stick the landing.

Today I feel like a truck ran over my right side. My knee, my neck, my hand...all suffering.

I always knew that laundry was dangerous.....

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mondays suck

If you don't want to read the ramblings of a confused woman...please feel free to click on one of my links to the left. I'm sure those people have interesting things to say.

I had a great weekend. Remind me to tell you about our night alone in a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub, bubbles and chinese food. Also, remind me to tell you about the spanking I got on Friday. (Yes, Virginia, spanking does exist!)

Today is not a good day. I'm very low and I can't shake it. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I have to make the most important decision I've ever had to make. Everyone is getting on my nerves and I feel like I might break down in tears any second. I have no one to talk to right now. Even if I did, I don't know what I'd say. I feel very alone, very scared and I feel like I'm the only one that's ever had to go though this.

I KNOW....I'm not the only one. I've been to the breast cancer boards. I know there are tons of people in my exact position....but they aren't here. They are just words on a screen. I've thought of going to a support group but.......I can't. That's too social for me. I'm to nervous to attend something like that by myself. PLUS....I can't bear to hear all the horror stories. I've read them. I've seen them with my SIL.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and I think sometimes that's ok. I've earned the right to feel sorry for myself. I have a scary disease.

I know for every sad story there are 2 good ones. I'm one of the lucky ones. My cancer isn't that bad. My story is not one of the sad ones.......yet.

My story will probably never be one of the sad ones....but I get to live with the fear that it might for the rest of my days. Sure, I'll learn how to live without the fear. I know life will someday resemble something called normal. BUT, right now......I just want to wallow.

Bossman doesn't get it. The decision is simple for him. He's been so sweet to me. But one stupid comment makes me upset. Like today, I said I was just going to wait for the follow-up appointment before I made my final decision, as I have some questions I'd like to ask. He says, just as long as they don't need to look at my boob again. There isn't a need for them to look at it again......

Um.....

Well, he didn't say it to be mean...but what the hell? AM I suppose to just tell them, no don't look at my boob again? If they want to look at it again, what's it gonna hurt? I've already flashed everyone I've seen. What's the big deal? It's a boob. And now it's ugly. So who cares who looks at it?

And then I got upset and said I would just go to the rest of the appointments myself. So then he got mad and said fine, if I wanted to be like that then I could.

Then he left for work

and I cried.

I thought that writing would help me sort it out, but it's really just making me upset all over again.

I just need to make a decision and move on. But right now, I just need to wallow.

And I need my husband to hold me. Which I know he will when he comes home.

But he's not here. So........

Mondays were never good days anyway!

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Cancer can be fun!

Today was my kind of day!

Since I had one of my lymph-nodes removed, I get to see a physical therapist. This is because I could, in a rare instance, develop lymphodema. It will be rare for me because I only had one removed, but it could happen and so they want to prepare me. Things for me to be careful of are making sure I don't have blood pressure done on that arm, making sure I don't have blood drawn or IV's on that arm.

Also, I can't do my drugs on that arm...and since it's my left arm and I'm right handed, that makes shooting myself up really really hard! *

Today was my PT appointment. I went yesterday for a consult, but today was the real deal. See, not only do I have to worry about lymphodema, but since the surgery, I can't really move my arm all the way over my head. Apparently, this is important. I find it's only important on those occasions when I feel the need to wash my hair, but I guess they think it's more important than that. I think that as long as I can still type and work the remote, I'm fine.

So, today they were to teach me some exercises to stretch the arm and also to stretch the scar tissue so I will have full mobility of that arm and will fully be able to put shampoo on the top of my head!

My therapist is a nice lady, probably in her 60's. BUT, for all intents and purposes, let's pretend she was a Swedish man in his late 20's by the name of Sven.

Sven asked me to take off my shirt and put a gown on. Right away, I'm confused. I thought I was going to do some stretching. But, it's Sven and so I took my shirt off.

Sven then guided me through some fairly boring stretching exercises. But suddenly, things got a little more interesting. Sven brings out a cane!

Ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly a cane, but it was a stick closely resembling a cane. Or, maybe a broomstick, but for this story, lets call it a cane!

Sven showed me how to stretch the left side with the cane. He showed me the proper way to hold the cane and the proper way to bend, with the cane. Very informative, Sven is!

After we finished with the cane, we moved on to corner time. Yes, you heard right, corner time. Sven had me stand in the corner with my arm stretching up the wall. I had to stand there for a few minutes, stretching my arm up and down the corner. Sven told me I was doing very well.

Corner time was over before I knew it. Time flies when having fun, I tell ya. After corner time, Sven asks me to lay down. Sven turns off the light and tells me he's going to teach me some massage techniques. I have to know how to massage the area if lymphodema should occur.

Sven then massages my arm, my pecs and my side. Then Sven says he must massage the scar area. Hence the reason I had to wear a gown. Sven massages both of the scar areas. (I have a scar from the lymph node and one from the lumpectomy.) Sven says the scar tissue can make the area tight and that is why I'm not able to shampoo my head. So, in case you are wondering, Sven massaged my boob!

Sadly, we ended there for the day. I get to go back to Sven four more times!

See, I bet you all are extremely jealous now!

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*P.S. I don't really do drugs, but if I wanted to I can't. Why is it the minute someone tells you you can't do something, you want to do it?

the odds are....

The docs appointment went well. As well as can be expected when going to an oncologist.

Everything about my cancer is good. Let's just say, if you get breast cancer, you want my kind. So while that all sounds great there are decisions to be made.

My cancer is stage 1. That is a good thing. My tests came back low for recurrence, so again, that's a good thing.

Now here's the dilemma. Right now, with the treatment course I'm going to be on, I have a 90 percent chance of not getting cancer again, or in another part of my body. IF, I decide to do chemo, the percentage goes up to 93 or 94.

Right away you are probably saying, screw the chemo! Which is exactly what I first thought. But, I asked the doc if he was married. (he was cute...but not as cute as Bossman!) Anyway, I asked him if this was his wife's test results, what would he tell her to do.

He said he would tell her to do the chemo. Then he said it's because he knows that chemo is not that bad. Other than losing your hair, the side effects are manageable. So Says He.

BUT, he said if she didn't want to do the chemo, he would be fine with that too.

So.....what's a gal to do? What would YOU do?

Here's the problem with numbers.

90 percent seems like good odds...right? If you had a 90 percent chance of winning the lotto, you'd play. If you had a 90 percent chance of getting in a car accident, you'd walk. See, the odds are good.

But what about the 10 percent?

Let me put it to you this way....

Out of all the population in the world, if you are a woman, you have an 8 percent chance of getting breast cancer. 8 percent.

Guess what.....I got breast cancer. I'm part of the 8 percent.

So....even though I still have a 90 percent chance of never getting cancer again.....

I will always worry about that 10 percent. Because I beat the odds once and I don't like it very well.

So, with that in mind, do I bump up my odds to 93 or 94 percent? Or should I just be happy with the 90 percent and carry on with my life?

Cancer.....there are no good answers!

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butt bra

Tomorrow I meet with the oncologist. So...tomorrow I will know for sure if I need chemo or not!

I'm nervous!

My surgeon said she didn't think I would need it....but it's not a guarantee. So, think good thoughts for me tomorrow around 3:00pm.

I know I promised pics of the new dog and details on the rest of life, but I haven't been in the mood to write and I really hope I'll be able to come here with good news tomorrow.

Until then.....I give you the butt bra!

Crazy...right?

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