life is good

You would not believe how many times I have opened and closed blogger and written and deleted drafts. I'd get part way through a post and someone would interrupt and by the time I came back, I wouldn't like what I had written....so I'd delete. Start again, only to be interrupted again!

So...this time, I will finish a post. And actually let you guys read it...

The decision on chemo was made. I prayed, I polled people, I googled and I cried. In the end, I decided chemo was not for me. 3 percent is not really a lot...and it turns out that most people would agree with me. Of course, some would argue that I should be doing everything humanly possible.....(yes MOM!) I believe at this point, I am doing everything humanly possible. The side-effects and other nonsense that came along with chemo just didn't seem like it was going to make much of a difference and the long term effects of chemo didn't sit well with me. Upon visiting the breast cancer boards and finding people in very similar situations, I determined that there wasn't a "right" answer, only one that I could live with. I, alone, had to decide what was best for me. Crazy, I know! Because I'm not used to making decisions based on MY needs. I'm usually worried about everyone else's needs.

So, no chemo. But I was quite proud that I had done research. I found things that I should ask the doc and (I won't bore you with our mundane discussion on breasts and ovaries)the doc was quite impressed with my good questions. It brought some things to his mind that he hadn't thought of and we are both on the same page as to the rest of my treatment. He says he has NO problem with me NOT doing the chemo!

Now that the decision has been made, I am feeling much better. I don't feel like I have something hanging on my shoulders. YAY me!

Connie Sven and I have broken up. Actually, Sven broke up with me. Seems I'm doing so well, Sven doesn't need to see me anymore! Today was my last day of physical therapy. Although Sven and I had a splendid time together....it was time for Sven to move on to someone else! Goodbye Connie Sven!

I think I mentioned that Bossman won a trip to Hawaii....
I haven't brought it up because I was worried I wouldn't be able to go on the trip. At the time, I wasn't sure what my treatment was going to be, so I didn't want to get to excited. But now it's time to get excited!!!!! I get to go!

The docs said I could start my radiation the day after I get back from Hawaii. Once I start the radiation, I will go every day for 7 weeks. That's right.....every-single-day! (except weekends) They didn't want me to miss one, so they said I could start when I get back. So from now until then...April 14th...I don't have any treatment. Well, I do have to go and get ready for the radiation. I'll have a CT scan and they will give me a couple of tattoos. (I'm hoping for a butterfly and a star...) Actually, the tats are freckle sized and they will permanently mark where they will be doing the radiation. They will also go through a test run with me, so they can make sure they will be shooting that radiation in the exact place they want it to go.

Oh, one more thing before I run.....

I got THIS....



for an anniversary gift.

I only have one word for it. OUCH!

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Seriously?????

Thank goodness it's mint flavored!

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Twenty-one

21 years ago, this man and this woman got married.....





The rest...as they say....is history!

Dear Bossman,
I love you more today than I ever did. You are my soul. Although the vows clearly stated "in sickness and in health", I had hoped that the sickness part wouldn't happen so soon. I don't know how I would managed to live without you by my side. I do know that I couldn't have survived this far without you. The journey has had many ups and downs but I always knew we would make it through together.

This breast cancer journey would have been much worse without you holding my hand and telling me that everything will be ok. I couldn't have done this alone. You have been my rock and my strength when I have fallen apart. You've prayed with me, you've held me and you've wiped away my tears. You've made me smile and laugh when I didn't think I could.

Saying I love you just doesn't seem like enough. I don't think I could ever truly tell you how much I love you. I don't think there are enough words in the whole world that could make you understand how I feel about you. You are my every breath that I take.

I am nothing without you.

Happy Anniversary, my love! I can't wait to see what the next 21 years will hold!

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not-so terrible Tuesday

It's only 10 am, but I have a feeling today won't be so bad. I get to visit "Sven". So that should prove interesting.

Yesterday went from bad to worse. Yes, Bossman held me and I tried to explain that I will not always be in a good mood. In fact, from what I've read about some of the drugs I'll have to take...I may not be in a good mood for the next 5 years. (that's how long I'll be taking the drug.)

I tried to quit wallowing and spent the evening watching cheesy tv shows.

At one point, I got up to use the bathroom. A girl does have to pee once in awhile. I used the bathroom that is connected to the laundry room. After I finished AND washed my hands....I walked through the laundry room.

Then I decided to do a triple toe loop over the laundry basket.

The judges marked me down because I didn't stick the landing.

Today I feel like a truck ran over my right side. My knee, my neck, my hand...all suffering.

I always knew that laundry was dangerous.....

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mondays suck

If you don't want to read the ramblings of a confused woman...please feel free to click on one of my links to the left. I'm sure those people have interesting things to say.

I had a great weekend. Remind me to tell you about our night alone in a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub, bubbles and chinese food. Also, remind me to tell you about the spanking I got on Friday. (Yes, Virginia, spanking does exist!)

Today is not a good day. I'm very low and I can't shake it. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I have to make the most important decision I've ever had to make. Everyone is getting on my nerves and I feel like I might break down in tears any second. I have no one to talk to right now. Even if I did, I don't know what I'd say. I feel very alone, very scared and I feel like I'm the only one that's ever had to go though this.

I KNOW....I'm not the only one. I've been to the breast cancer boards. I know there are tons of people in my exact position....but they aren't here. They are just words on a screen. I've thought of going to a support group but.......I can't. That's too social for me. I'm to nervous to attend something like that by myself. PLUS....I can't bear to hear all the horror stories. I've read them. I've seen them with my SIL.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and I think sometimes that's ok. I've earned the right to feel sorry for myself. I have a scary disease.

I know for every sad story there are 2 good ones. I'm one of the lucky ones. My cancer isn't that bad. My story is not one of the sad ones.......yet.

My story will probably never be one of the sad ones....but I get to live with the fear that it might for the rest of my days. Sure, I'll learn how to live without the fear. I know life will someday resemble something called normal. BUT, right now......I just want to wallow.

Bossman doesn't get it. The decision is simple for him. He's been so sweet to me. But one stupid comment makes me upset. Like today, I said I was just going to wait for the follow-up appointment before I made my final decision, as I have some questions I'd like to ask. He says, just as long as they don't need to look at my boob again. There isn't a need for them to look at it again......

Um.....

Well, he didn't say it to be mean...but what the hell? AM I suppose to just tell them, no don't look at my boob again? If they want to look at it again, what's it gonna hurt? I've already flashed everyone I've seen. What's the big deal? It's a boob. And now it's ugly. So who cares who looks at it?

And then I got upset and said I would just go to the rest of the appointments myself. So then he got mad and said fine, if I wanted to be like that then I could.

Then he left for work

and I cried.

I thought that writing would help me sort it out, but it's really just making me upset all over again.

I just need to make a decision and move on. But right now, I just need to wallow.

And I need my husband to hold me. Which I know he will when he comes home.

But he's not here. So........

Mondays were never good days anyway!

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Cancer can be fun!

Today was my kind of day!

Since I had one of my lymph-nodes removed, I get to see a physical therapist. This is because I could, in a rare instance, develop lymphodema. It will be rare for me because I only had one removed, but it could happen and so they want to prepare me. Things for me to be careful of are making sure I don't have blood pressure done on that arm, making sure I don't have blood drawn or IV's on that arm.

Also, I can't do my drugs on that arm...and since it's my left arm and I'm right handed, that makes shooting myself up really really hard! *

Today was my PT appointment. I went yesterday for a consult, but today was the real deal. See, not only do I have to worry about lymphodema, but since the surgery, I can't really move my arm all the way over my head. Apparently, this is important. I find it's only important on those occasions when I feel the need to wash my hair, but I guess they think it's more important than that. I think that as long as I can still type and work the remote, I'm fine.

So, today they were to teach me some exercises to stretch the arm and also to stretch the scar tissue so I will have full mobility of that arm and will fully be able to put shampoo on the top of my head!

My therapist is a nice lady, probably in her 60's. BUT, for all intents and purposes, let's pretend she was a Swedish man in his late 20's by the name of Sven.

Sven asked me to take off my shirt and put a gown on. Right away, I'm confused. I thought I was going to do some stretching. But, it's Sven and so I took my shirt off.

Sven then guided me through some fairly boring stretching exercises. But suddenly, things got a little more interesting. Sven brings out a cane!

Ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly a cane, but it was a stick closely resembling a cane. Or, maybe a broomstick, but for this story, lets call it a cane!

Sven showed me how to stretch the left side with the cane. He showed me the proper way to hold the cane and the proper way to bend, with the cane. Very informative, Sven is!

After we finished with the cane, we moved on to corner time. Yes, you heard right, corner time. Sven had me stand in the corner with my arm stretching up the wall. I had to stand there for a few minutes, stretching my arm up and down the corner. Sven told me I was doing very well.

Corner time was over before I knew it. Time flies when having fun, I tell ya. After corner time, Sven asks me to lay down. Sven turns off the light and tells me he's going to teach me some massage techniques. I have to know how to massage the area if lymphodema should occur.

Sven then massages my arm, my pecs and my side. Then Sven says he must massage the scar area. Hence the reason I had to wear a gown. Sven massages both of the scar areas. (I have a scar from the lymph node and one from the lumpectomy.) Sven says the scar tissue can make the area tight and that is why I'm not able to shampoo my head. So, in case you are wondering, Sven massaged my boob!

Sadly, we ended there for the day. I get to go back to Sven four more times!

See, I bet you all are extremely jealous now!

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*P.S. I don't really do drugs, but if I wanted to I can't. Why is it the minute someone tells you you can't do something, you want to do it?

the odds are....

The docs appointment went well. As well as can be expected when going to an oncologist.

Everything about my cancer is good. Let's just say, if you get breast cancer, you want my kind. So while that all sounds great there are decisions to be made.

My cancer is stage 1. That is a good thing. My tests came back low for recurrence, so again, that's a good thing.

Now here's the dilemma. Right now, with the treatment course I'm going to be on, I have a 90 percent chance of not getting cancer again, or in another part of my body. IF, I decide to do chemo, the percentage goes up to 93 or 94.

Right away you are probably saying, screw the chemo! Which is exactly what I first thought. But, I asked the doc if he was married. (he was cute...but not as cute as Bossman!) Anyway, I asked him if this was his wife's test results, what would he tell her to do.

He said he would tell her to do the chemo. Then he said it's because he knows that chemo is not that bad. Other than losing your hair, the side effects are manageable. So Says He.

BUT, he said if she didn't want to do the chemo, he would be fine with that too.

So.....what's a gal to do? What would YOU do?

Here's the problem with numbers.

90 percent seems like good odds...right? If you had a 90 percent chance of winning the lotto, you'd play. If you had a 90 percent chance of getting in a car accident, you'd walk. See, the odds are good.

But what about the 10 percent?

Let me put it to you this way....

Out of all the population in the world, if you are a woman, you have an 8 percent chance of getting breast cancer. 8 percent.

Guess what.....I got breast cancer. I'm part of the 8 percent.

So....even though I still have a 90 percent chance of never getting cancer again.....

I will always worry about that 10 percent. Because I beat the odds once and I don't like it very well.

So, with that in mind, do I bump up my odds to 93 or 94 percent? Or should I just be happy with the 90 percent and carry on with my life?

Cancer.....there are no good answers!

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butt bra

Tomorrow I meet with the oncologist. So...tomorrow I will know for sure if I need chemo or not!

I'm nervous!

My surgeon said she didn't think I would need it....but it's not a guarantee. So, think good thoughts for me tomorrow around 3:00pm.

I know I promised pics of the new dog and details on the rest of life, but I haven't been in the mood to write and I really hope I'll be able to come here with good news tomorrow.

Until then.....I give you the butt bra!

Crazy...right?

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limbo

So much is going on in my life right now....where should I begin?

I could start out by telling you what's going on with the cancer. That could be a good place to begin...

I could tell you how my daughter got fired from her job and then found another in less than a week. Yep, I could tell you about that.....

I could tell you how Bossman won a trip to Hawaii. Now, that is a good story.....

I could tell you how Bossman took me to Santa Monica for Valentines day and we ate at the same resturant that we ate at with PK, Ceeci and Eva....

I could even tell you about the newest member of our family.....we broke down and got a dog!

Yes, it seems I have a lot of places I could begin.....

I think I'll begin by saying how great you guys are! I've gotten emails and comments from you all and they have been so uplifting. I love getting little notes just telling me that you are thinking of me. How cool is that? Someone is thinking of me! Little ole' me! I'd like to thank you all for stopping by and sending me some love....it's greatly appreciated!

Now, let's just get the cancer stuff out of the way. I've been healing nicely. Wearing a bra 24/7 is NOT fun at all! I was extremely uncomfortable. I'm able to sleep without one now and can I just say it's been heaven! Since the surgery, I've been waiting on a test to determine whether or not I'll need chemo. The test is four thousand dollars, if the insurance doesn't pay. Mine paid! YAY for my insurance. I know that health insurance companies get a bad rap but you know what? I am SOOOOOO grateful to have health insurance and I'm even more grateful that mine has paid for everything so far. I think the only thing I've had to pay was a 20 dollar co-pay. How lucky am I? I can't imagine having to go through this without my insurance.

I've been in limbo since the surgery waiting for this test and TODAY....today I got the results! The test is either low, medium or high. If you get a high, you need chemo because the chances of the cancer coming back or being in other parts of your body is high. If you get a medium, you have to make a choice and it's a tough one. You have to decide if you want to take the chance. You don't have to have the chemo, but it's a risk. If you get low...well, I think you can probably guess, this means you probably don't have to have chemo.

Mine came back....(drum roll please......)



LOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ok, I'm very excited....but....and there is always a butt...right?

My surgeon is the one that called me with the news. She says she thinks I won't need chemo BUT, I still have to see the oncologist. He will crunch the numbers.....yes, I'm serious....it's all numbers, and then tell me what he thinks about the chemo. So, she (my surgeon) doesn't know for sure, but the test is LOW.....so that is a good thing. NO, wait....that's a GREAT thing!

So, today I celebrate the news and stand confident that whatever happens, it's going to be OK!

As for all the other stuff I have to tell you.....that's going to have to wait until later...I've got celebrating to do!

I promise I'll be back soon with details and maybe even a pic or two of our new girl.

Celebrate with me today! Do something nice for yourself!

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So the story goes...

Monday was interesting...to say the least. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. First I went to the mammo place...which is across the street from the hospital. There, they mammoed me and while I was still being squashed, they inserted two wires....one in each tumor. Then they injected me with some radioactive stuff, so they could find my sentinal lymph node...which is the first lymph node.

Then, they plopped me into a wheelchair and hauled me across the street to the hospital. Seriously, across the street, where people were driving in cars and walking and stuff. Good grief! The wire part wasn't really bad, I think the biopsy I had a couple of weeks ago was worse. But going across the street in a wheelchair....I admit...I was laughing at myself!

Once I got across the street, they put in the IV and then we had to wait to get pictures of my lymph nodes, so they could find the one to take out. After they got the pictures, they took me in to surgery. Now, I went pee right before they wheeled me in for surgery....and this is important because....

I remember waking up once. I think they woke me up and then put me under again because I remember waking up and having to pee. I kept saying I have to pee and I think I did pee....but yet I wasn't wet when I finally woke up. Could have been a dream...but I don't think so. When I woke up, I had to pee again. BTW, my pee is the color of windex. And my poo....well lets just say.... Very pretty!

Anyway, I came home after that. They had to take extra tissue, so I have a drain, hopefully it comes out tomorrow. As for the rest, I feel like a truck ran over my boob, but it's really only sore when I move. I know, I know...just don't move! LOL

The doc called today and said that one of the tumors is a little more aggressive than the other. I'll have some more tests run on the tumors to find out how aggressive and if I'll need chemo. But, as soon as I heal I will start the radiation...fun, fun times!

I appreciate all the love and concern. If I didn't, I wouldn't have taken the time to type all this out cuz.....this ain't comfy! But I love you guys and I didn't want you to worry.

I'm not sure when I'll be back. I think I'll feel better when the drain is out but I don't know if I'll get it out tomorrow or Friday. Depends on how much drains tonight.

Oh and by the way......no spidey powers! AND, although my pee looked like smurf pee...I did not turn into smurfette. Bummer!

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Did you get the guys number that ran over my boob?

There were some highlights and low lights to today's events. Unfortunately, I'm too tired to write any of them right now.

So, I'll leave you with:

The lymph nodes were clean. They took a little more tissue out than they thought, so I have a drain.

And, my pee is the same color as Windex.

Results on all the tests will be available Wed.

Until then....you'll find me on the couch, not moving my left arm.

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Let's roll...

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired.
Martin Luther


See you on the flip side!

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thoughts in the middle of the night

I'm awake and I figured I should write because my brain won't shut off.

I just want to thank my angel, Ceeci, for creating this beautiful place to write. I can't stop coming by here, just to look at it. It's amazing and I never could have made this work. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I wasn't feeling giddy over my new home in blogger land....I was feeling a little like this:

I feel like I'm on a cliff and I'm about to jump off. I can't see what's at the bottom, but everyone assures me that it's going to be fine and I just need to jump.

See, Monday, life will change for me. I've been living my normal life for almost 3 weeks with cancer. I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. So, life goes on.

Now, I must jump off the cliff.

It must be like having a baby. You find out your pregnant and everyone tells you that life will change, but you really don't have any idea how different life will be until the day the baby is born. Once it's born, your life is changed forever.

Cancer must be like that too. Once I have the surgery, life will change. Even after I heal, life will be changed. I will forever be worried about cancer. I will forever be looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next call.

Truthfully? I don't want to jump off the cliff. I like it here. I can see what's going to happen here. I can turn on the light and the scary things disappear. I can't see what's down at the bottom of the cliff. And even if you tell me it's going to be ok....you don't really know that for certain. Nobody does.

I'd like to go back please. Back to Jan 14, the day before I found out I had cancer.

Back when I didn't have to worry about serious things.

Like cancer.

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My kind of statue!

Please read the previous post if you haven't. I'm really interested in what you would do if faced with a similar situation. Everyone had a different thought on it and each thought gives me something more to think about. I think with a decision like this, I should consider all the possibilities!

Now....lets talk about failblog.org.

I LOVE this site. Every single day there is something new on there that makes me laugh. Really, if you want or need a good laugh, spend some time at this site. Trust me, you won't be sorry.

So, I found this picture over there. Whoever posted it, thinks it's a fail, but personally.....I think it's a WIN!





What do you think?

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genes

Funny. When I wrote the post yesterday, I didn't realize how it sounded. When I said I wanted a spanking cancer blog....in my head I was saying spanking AND cancer blog, not a "I'm going to spank cancer blog."

It turns out, that is exactly what I meant. I am going to spank the cancer. I'm going to spank it right out of my body! The strop, backscratcher and paddle are all things that the cancer deserves....and more.

I have to admit. I'm a little worried about how all this cancer stuff is going to affect me. Since the cancer I have is fed by estrogen, it looks like I'll be taking an anti-estrogen medicine....for at least 5 years. Apparently it blocks the estrogen from attaching to the breast tissue. I'll still have some estrogen. Apparently the side effects include all the menopausal stuff. So, early menopause, here I come. What has me worried is how this will affect my sex life. I KNOW. Sounds stupid when I'm fighting cancer to be worried about my sex life...but lets face it...it IS an important part of my life.

I don't want to lose that part of me. I don't want to lose what is between Bossman and me. I don't want to lose the spanking either. That was why I decided to keep this a spanking, cancer, blog. Because I'm hoping that spanking will still be a part of my life and I hope I spank the cancer too!

Yesterday, I had a blood test. This test is to test my genes. They want to see if I carry the gene that makes breast and ovarian cancer hereditary. Since I'm so young, and I don't know my full family health history (my father was adopted) they just want to see if I carry the gene. My doctor thinks I probably don't have the gene...but for peace of mind, we want to see if I do.

If I do....well, the reoccurance of breast cancer and ovarian cancer skyrocket. Some people opt to have their healthy breasts and ovaries removed when they have this gene. The general population has an 8 percent chance of getting breast cancer, if you have the gene...your chances go up to 87 percent.

I won't find out the results for a couple of weeks. If I have the gene, my sister and my children have a 50 percent chance of also having the gene.

So what do you think? Knowing the odds, would you opt to have a full double mastectomy if you had the gene? If you had an 87 percent chance of getting cancer...what would you do?

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under construction

I feel like my life is under construction. I still have wants and desires... like spanking...but I can't ignore my health issues either.

I wasn't sure if I should make a new blog...keep this blog or have two blogs.

In the end...I've decided this will be a spanking cancer blog.

Now, if I can just figure out how to make a template that reflects both things at once.

I lost my old template.....this one looks like I threw up pepto all over it.

I'm frustrated right now....so ignore me and my construction!

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random bits

People have been sending me lovely cards in the mail. I love getting mail. Although birthday cards are a lot more fun to receive, cards are cards and I am touched that people would take the time to mail me something.

I did get a rather disturbing card. It's from a lovely lady that goes to my church. She's a real sweet-heart, so I know the card came from the right place...but nevertheless, it's disturbing. It's a sympathy card. Complete with words like..."in your time of sorrow" and "with all my sympathy". As I was reading it, a thought crossed my mind. WHO DIED? Thank goodness I have a sense of humor! I know it was given from a place of love and concern, but geez....it just was a little too much! Oh well.

Also, while we are talking about things inappropriate....let's talk about another woman from my church. (Listen, I know I shouldn't gossip...but really, this stuff is priceless! It must be shared!) Anyway, this lady that goes to my church is sort of on the annoying side. She's nice enough, but there have been some incidents that have...well...let's just say, she's really annoying! She called one night and I wasn't home. I thought I dodged the bullet. NOPE. She called back and I didn't know it was her. Now....don't get me wrong. It is very, very nice of her to call and find out how I was doing. I appreciate all the kind thoughts and well wishes. BUT....some people just don't know what to say.

She starts out by asking how I was doing. I tell her I'm fine....just waiting around for surgery. I ask how she is doing. 10 minutes later, I have found out all about her problems...including, arm surgery, knee surgery, her husbands gout and her dogs digestive problems. Then...and this is the part that makes me laugh. She tells me to keep my chin up and that I need to watch funny movies. That's right...funny movies. She tells me it will help me feel better. Also, she said I should tell jokes as then I will be able to make everyone around me feel better.

Um, seriously?

I get that humor makes people feel better. I've heard that. It makes sense that you wouldn't want to be depressed all the time and funny things are good for the soul....but...but...

Oh man. I just want you to know that it took a lot of strength to not LAUGH my ASS off right there on the phone.

You know what....just thinking about that phone call makes me feel SOOOOOOOO much better!

*disclaimer* I know she meant well, they all do. Frankly, both the card and the call made my day! I got a great laugh from both! And really, that's what it's all about~

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this, that and the other

Why is it that suddenly everyone in the world has what I have....or knows someone that does?

It's like when you find out your pregnant...or you're just trying to get pregnant and suddenly the whole world is pregnant!

I found out yesterday that my son's teacher just went through the same thing I going through. She has just recently come back to teaching...my son has a substitute for most of the first quarter of school. Of course, I sort of knew what she was getting treated for...but I never really asked.

I don't know about you, but I remember when I was younger I didn't know a single person with cancer. I never knew someone that had died. I suppose I was lucky, but don't you think that things like this are at an all-time high? It seems like that even though we are coming up with more break-throughs and cures and such, more and more people are getting these things.

As for me....I'm in the hurry-up-and-wait stage. I'll have my surgery on the 8th. I won't know much until two days later when they call me with the results. What I do know is this: It's slow-growing, estrogen fed and it's her2 negative. her2 is the "bad" kind. If there is such a thing as a good kind.

Until then, I live my life. My son is away this week at camp and I feel a little lost without him. I thought it would be fun, just me and Bossman, with the wildchild floating in and out...but I miss my son. There are so many things we do together. We do homework, watch our shows, fight over chores, Reminders to take a shower and brush teeth, snacks, video games, more reminders to take a shower and brush teeth. (why do little boys hate to brush their teeth and take showers?) I take him to basketball practice and we read books. And at bedtime....we say prayers. If the wildchild is here, we all say prayers. It's the one time of the day when I know my family is here and safe. So until Friday, I have to say my nightly prayer without him...and it's not the same.

Of course, I know this will all end soon. He'll turn into a teen and hate family prayer time. He'll hate hanging with the family. So, I'll have to get used to it.

But I don't have to like it.

Speaking of not liking something....can I ask a question?

I've got the President speaking in the background as I type this. Why oh why do they have to applaud every single thing he says? This speech would be so much shorter if they would just stop all that clapping.

I guess there isn't an answer to that question.

Next subject....3D movies.

Bossman and I went and saw the movie Avatar. Wow! It was a great movie, but I have a small problem. It made me sick. All that 3D motion made my stomach turn. I'm not usually one to get motion sickness. I can do roller coasters, I can read in the moving car and I can even go on boats in choppy water....but 3D movie with lots of action....Oh boy. I had to close my eyes a couple of times.

I also realized what a terrible homebody I am. Seriously, I'm not a big movie theater fan. I enjoy watching movies at home. I like being able to put a movie on pause if I have to go to the bathroom. I enjoy rewinding a movie if I missed what they said and I really enjoy laying on my sofa with my very soft blue blanket that Bossman got me for Christmas. Plus, I don't worry about having to be quiet.

It's no wonder I never go to the movies....I only went to ONE movie in 09, yet this week, I went to 2 movies.

Chances are....I won't go again this year!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

the plan

Thunder and lightning rocked the house around 5am. Seems ironic since that's how I've been feeling for the last couple of days.

My son came to bed with us. Even at age 11, he's still afraid of the thunder and needs his mom. It was nice laying between my two favorite men.

By 8am I was at the docs office. Seems the tumors aren't so bad. They are slow growing, fueled by estrogen. The bigger one is less than 2 centimeters. They are in the same quadrant of the breast, so the doc feels she can take them both out with a lumpectomy.

Apparently, the lumpectomy comes with some hardware. The morning of the surgery, I go the place where I got the biopsy. With ultrasound, they insert 2 wires. One for each tumor. THEN, they inject some radioactive dye into my lymph nodes. I asked if I would get some Spidey powers and they were pretty sure that I would! I always wanted to shoot people with my web!

Actually, the procedure is called....sentinel-node biopsy. It's blue dye and they say I will actually become smurf-like for 24hrs. So, I'll be Smurfette! The dye will go into my lymph nodes. Once the wires and dye are in me...they will take me across the street to the hospital where the doctor will be waiting. The doc will have a scanner that will show which node is most radioactive and she will remove it. She will send the node to the lab, while doing the lumpectomy, the lab will determine if the all the lymph-nodes need to be removed. If not...good for me and I'll be done. If so, she will remove them at that time.

After all that is done, I will go home. It's out-patient surgery. They claim there isn't much pain associated with this procedure and some patients even go out to dinner that night....however....I plan on milking it for everything it's worth. Surely I can at least get out of doing the laundry!

Anyway, 3 or 4 weeks after surgery, I'll start radiation. I will have to go 5 days a week, for 7 weeks. Apparently, it's a lot like getting an chest x-ray. Not much side effects. Mostly fatigue. Surely, I can milk that too!

At this point, the doc doesn't think I'll need chemo. Thank God for that! Of course the lumpectomy will tell the full tale and so we will see. If I do have chemo, they have guaranteed that I will lose my hair! Yippeeeee! Bald is beautiful!

As horrible as it all sounds, it doesn't sound tooooo bad! Things could be a whole lot worse. For now I'll just have to take it one step at a time.

So that was my day.....how was yours?

life goes on

It's weird how life goes on. In your mind, the world is falling apart. You walk around wal-mart, marveling at how everyone just seems to go about their day. They don't know what you know. You wonder if you should construct a big letter C and pin it to your chest. You ponder others that are walking around, wondering if they too, need a big letter C.

I've appreciated every single comment and email and text and thought that has come my way. They have all been a great comfort and some have made me teary. I wish I could give each of you a hug. I guess the internet hug will have to do.

I have to admit though, I received the best email ever today. The subject line? FUCK!

I LOVE THAT! THAT my friends is EXACTLY how I feel! Before I even opened the email I knew I was going to love it! I mean really, how often do you get an email from someone that starts with that? I hope never. Really, it's never good if it starts with that!

But, this one was good and you know why? Because it tells it like it is.

The email goes on to say how sucky this is. And you know what....it is very sucky! So sucky that the email says it SUCKS MOLDY DONKEY BALLS!

That, my friends is my new favorite saying. I'll probably use it often and frequently! Because it does. It's horrible and it's crappy and it sucks moldy donkey balls!

Finally someone was not afraid to tell my how pissed off they were that this happened because you know what....I'm pissed off too!

I'm learning many things already and my journey has just begun. I've learned that I have such an incredible support system, here in the flesh and here on the net. I come here to the net when I have nowhere left to turn and I find friendship and comfort. I've found that writing it all down is helping to sort it out.

My husband is my rock. He's already shown me such strength. I turn around and he's already there, ready to hold me and comfort me. I've cried a bucket load of tears and he's ready and waiting with the hugs and the tissues. He's looked deep into my eyes and promised me that it's going to be ok. I'm holding him to those promises!

I keep wishing that I could save time in a bottle. I don't want Wednesday to come, but I want to get it over with also. I need a plan, but I don't want to know the plan. I really would like to run away. Far away from this super scary, super sucky situation.

But I can't run. I can't hide. I'm going to have to fight it head on. And...

I'm going to win because...

This SUCKS MOLDY DONKEY BALLS!