just humming along

Just popped in to let you know that things are still humming along.

D is still hanging in there. There was a point when we thought we'd never talk to her again and then.....she called. She is hard to understand but she's still hanging tough. She says she is getting her strength back a little, so that's a good thing. We are still trying to decide when we should go back over there. Next week...maybe.

So...believe it or not....life is pretty good right now! I'm feeling good. We are starting to enjoy summer. We are taking the little man and his friend to Disneyland in the middle of July. We are planning a camping trip...not sure when, but sometime this summer.

AND....

Yesterday, Bossman gave me a spanking!

You know things are looking up when a spanking is involved. (Oh wait...I was actually looking down when that happened!)

Bossman took yesterday off of work and so we had some time to run errands and just be together. The little man went to a friends house and so we had some alone time. Bossman thought this was a great opportunity to spank me. He got out a nice flat wooden spoon. Personally, I don't think that was fair. My butt is practically a virgin. It's been so long since I was spanked, I forgot what if felt like. Turns out...IT HURTS! And the spoon didn't help much!

I was a big baby about the whole thing and Bossman said he stopped way too soon. But you know what? It was nice! Sure it hurt like hell. But it was so nice to feel "normal" again. (yes, I realize I'm not really normal) It was nice to have my hubby be in complete control and not have a worried look on his face. It was nice to just be US again!

All that, and I think we are getting a new bed!

So, for right now.....for this very moment in time....

Life is good!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

the waiting game

This past week has been a whirlwind of emotion.

Friday was my last day of radiation! YAY me! I'm done with cancer and I couldn't be happier.

On Monday, I couldn't be happy that I wasn't going to the doctor at 4:15, because I had another appointment about my neck. Turns out....it's not as bad as it sounds.

It's bad...in the sense that I'll be dealing with this the rest of my life and I'll have to be extra careful...but surgery is NOT in the immediate future.

As a matter of fact, my doc has had neck problems and so he knows exactly what I'm going through. He says that if the pain is not consistent for at least 6 weeks and if I don't lose any strength in my hands, I need to do nothing...except no lifting things above my head.

Friday was the last day of radiation and also the last day my neck hurt bad. Now that I know the problem...I realize that the act of laying on the radiation table with my arms above my head and my neck turned....well that is why I have been hurting all month. I haven't had any pain since Saturday....so that is good!

So, as far as I'm concerned...it's all good news! The bad news?

We feel like we are just sitting around waiting for D to die. Everything seem to be going downhill pretty fast and we were bracing ourselves for the worst and then last night....D called.

She hasn't been able to talk or move for over a week, so a call from her was surprising and wonderful! Apparently, they gave her some meds to help with some swelling on her spine and it caused her to be able to function better. So....it's still a waiting game, but nobody knows how long this will go on.

It's stressful waiting. We are contemplating another trip to Vegas....but that would be 3 times in a month and frankly, it's wearing on our finances! We are worried that we would go and then have to go back a week later for a funeral. It's a dilemma! Bossman feels like he's already said goodbye to her....but if she wants to see us again....we'd have to go!

I am having a bit of survivors guilt and D's not gone yet. I wonder why I had a relatively easy time of cancer and D has had to go through so much. Her hubby called the other day and asked how I was doing and I said I was fine and treatments were over.....and then I felt bad telling him that since he was there...watching his wife die.

I know I shouldn't feel that way but I can't help it. It's just sad and confusing.

Boy, I can't wait until I can just write a post and not have a single sad thing in it!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Where do I begin?

This week has been so full of stuff, I don't even know where to begin.

Let's start with last Friday. Friday was suppose to be a great day. It was the start of a three day weekend. Bossman's band was going to play a real honest-to-goodness gig at a car show and the weather was perfect. But as with all things, Friday did NOT turn out as planned....

First there was the pesky little thing called radiation that I had to attend to. They changed my appointment to earlier in the day, so I was there at 1. Now, I've still been having pain in my neck and chest, not a lot, but enough. So Bossman drove me to the appointment. We figured there was plenty of time to get it done, pick up the little man and head to his gig, since he didn't need to be there until later in the evening.

Have you heard the saying....the way to make God laugh is to make plans? Well, God sure laughed on that day!

Since I was still having pain, I asked to see the doc after my treatment. I just wanted her to double check that my heart and stuff was ok, since I was still hurting. She wasn't there, but the other doc was....so I saw him after treatment. He took a good long listen to my lungs and heart and then...

Well, he thought one side of my lung sounds sounded off. So, he told me I should go to the ER. Yep, the emergency room.

I walked out to the car, unable to figure out how I was going to tell Bossman....as he was suppose to go to his gig...that he'd been practicing for.....for over 2 months.

I told him. Because it was time to pick up the little man, and we were RIGHT next to the ER, he took me to the ER and then he went to pick up the little man. He called my daughter and asked her to come stay with me.

I was having some pain....but I really didn't think I needed the ER. So I wasn't really too worried. I sent Bossman to his gig with the little man and I hung out in the ER. After setting a record for the shortest time I've EVER been to the ER....only 3 hours, the verdict was.....I was fine. Chest x-ray was clear and the heart was fine.

I was able to call Bossman and tell him that I was fine. This was 30 minutes before the gig was suppose to start. My daughter was going to drive me over to the gig. However....

The singer for Bossman's band had a small problem. He is on probation (who knew?) and because he was sick he took some cold meds. Problem is...they did a random drug test on him and guess what? It came back positive. So...he was put in the slammer. Bossman's band....had no singer! I ended up staying home....Bossman called and said someone else in the band got a friend to help them and they ended up playing.....

It turned out ok....but Bossman was clearly upset by the whole thing and has now quit the band! Of course, there is more than one reason for quitting....but this was pretty much the final straw!

So, that was Friday.

The weekend was ok....the pain seemed to be dying down, so it wasn't too bad. Bossman took the wildchild to see D and that was VERY upsetting for him....because she's going downhill very quickly. But it was good for the two of them to go.....it could be for the last time. Who knows?

Meanwhile....my doc scheduled me for an MRI. I had the MRI on Tuesday, which happened to be the same day as my little man's birthday. Ironic that I was in the same hospital on the same day, 12 years apart. Too bad I didn't get to come home with a bundle of joy this time.

Have you ever had an MRI?

You could have warned me!

Oh-MY-GOD!

That was the craziest thing I've ever done! Ever see the older Star Trek movie...the one where Spock dies and they put him in a space pod and shoot him out to space? THAT is what I felt like. I thought for sure they were going to shoot me out to space. Since I'm not claustrophobic, I just closed my eyes and tried to think good thoughts. BUT....nobody told me it was going to be LOUD! The noises were insane! Honking and beeping and drilling sounds....and they gave me earplugs and it was still loud. I had to stay in the space pod for 15 minutes......it was a little freaky. Then they pulled me out...shot some dye in my arm and made me go back in for 10 more minutes. I was NEVER so glad to get out of that thing.

Anyway, today I found out some good news and some bad news......which would you like first?

Ok...good news first! Friday is the last day of radiation! Hooray for me! I'm so glad this part over! The other good news? The MRI did not show any cancer or tumors anywhere. YAY me!

Now the bad news. The pain.....the pain is coming from a bulging vertebrae disc in my neck. Apparently the usually only happens in a older person. Apparently my bones are degenerating. Apparently, I am a 42 year old, living in an 82 year old body! (Ok, the last one is an exaggeration, but I think you get my point)

Now mind you, my cancer doctor was the one telling me this...so she doesn't have the knowledge that an orthopedic doctor has....so when she told me....she was just reading the results and right away was telling me I would need surgery and it's very serious and pretty much scared the crap right out of me!

Luckily, Bossman came with me....just in case there was bad news....so he listened better than I did. BUT....after I met with her...it was time for my treatment and I had to wait.....so while I was waiting...she called my regular doc and HE told her that there were other treatments available and might not be as bad as she made it sound to me.

So, while I was on the table....they have to move the table 4 different times....so it was during one of the moves, she came running in and was so happy to tell me the news wasn't so dire! So....I was happy about that. Then she went out and told Bossman.

I thought I was going to burst into tears when I got out to the parking lot....but instead I left feeling a tad bit more hopeful....plus I learned I only have 2 more days of radiation left!

Did I mention my son had a birthday yesterday???? He did. And I love him!

Did I mention that I'm writing this at 1 in the morning because I can't sleep and I wanted to google bulging neck discs?

Well at least it's not more cancer.....right????

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Life sucks...and not in a good way!

It seems everything I write about these days is depressing and boring. 2010 is just not my year!

I can't tell you how many times people have said I look good. I guess when you find out someone has cancer....you think they are going to look bad or something. I suppose if I was having chemo, I might look bad....but since I get to keep my hair, I guess I look good. It's nice of people to say, but sometimes I wonder....did I look bad before? I think I look the same, but heck, what do I know?

D isn't good. Last weekend was bitter sweet. I kept thinking (to myself) that this might be the last time I see her. She's not bed ridden yet, but the docs have said there is nothing more they can do for her. I kept wishing time could stand still. My mind kept randoming thinking about how life will be when she's gone. She was wearing flip flops and I kept thinking about her toes and how unfair it was to her toes that she was going to die and her toes were so pretty and so young looking and how unfair for her toes to have to die along with her. Toes? I was thinking about her toes? Is this really how people think when a loved one is dying? Or have I just jumped into the deep end without my floaties?

As a human, (why yes, I am, in fact, a human) I can't help but question why. I know there isn't an answer that would satisfy me, but still. People are always saying that we are suppose to learn things from death and from dying and from having bad things happen.

A story was told to me about a husband that was watching his wife die. As this was happening, someone told him that maybe this was so he could learn to be more compassionate. Maybe now, he would be more compassionate to others. His response? I don't want to learn that lesson....I just want my wife to live.

If there is a lesson to be learned from what is going on with D, or for that matter, with myself....I don't want to learn it. Is the lesson really what's important here? Maybe.....but I just want D to live. Surely there is an easier way to learn lessons. And really....what lesson is that important that it takes someone death to learn?

I've tried to write all week. I don't want my blog to be depressing all the time, but hell, this is my life. It's what I'm dealing with and so I'll write about it. Life isn't always sunshine and flowers.

Sometimes, life just sucks!

Written while ignoring laundry by:

on the road again....

We decided to head to Vegas this weekend to visit D. Things haven't improved much....but she's not in the hospital and she really wants to spend the day with us. We will leave tomorrow afternoon....drive for 7 hours....and finally arrive. Since this isn't really a vacation, we aren't planning on hitting any of the big casinos. Besides, we will have the little man with us. I'm sure we will mostly just be hanging out with her at her house. Hopefully, she won't go back into the hospital. But, we've learned that she can land in the hospital in a moments notice.

It will be good not to think about the radiation for a couple of days. After talking to the techs today, it sound like I have 28 treatments...the way I'm doing them now...and then they do 6 or 7 treatments at a different angle. Since, right now, I'm laying on a table with my arms over my head....I can't imagine what this new angle is going to be about. Luckily there isn't as many of those.

As it looks right now....my last treatment should be on June 8th.

Keep that date open for the party!

Have a great weekend!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

another year older and deeper in debt....

I'm sure the title of this post is part of a song. I can't seem to remember what song, but the line has been stuck in my head all week. And, ain't it the truth???

I had a GREAT birthday. I was treated to a lunch and a drive to the beach by Bossman. After my cancer killing treatment (must mention cancer with every post...LOL), we went out for dinner with the kids and my Mom. We came back to the house for ice cream cake (sorry PK, but it was really fattening and delicious!) and then it was time for PRESENTS!

Yes, I am a little kid when it comes to presents. I LOVE 'em! Let's be real, even if you say you don't want presents, you do....and even if you say you don't like getting presents.....WE don't believe you! Yes-you-do! You like presents, I like presents, we all like PRESENTS!

Back to presents....

My daughter gave me a beautiful heart necklace that says mom and it has a key and it says "a key to a full heart is love".

Let's all say....AWWWWWWWW...together now.

Next, my son gave me a book that I had wanted and (again, I'm sorry PK) a box of twinkies. YUM YUM. My boy knows me so well...

Bossman gave me, well, he's giving me... it's being ordered this week, a Kindle. Click on the link if you want to know what it is. I can't WAIT to get it. I love reading and I'm so excited to be able to have any book I want at my finger tips. I can hardly wait for it to come.

I hope you all you mothers had a great Mothers day. Mine was good. There were chocolate covered strawberries (sorry PK) and there was breakfast in bed. It was a very lovely day.

Last, but not least, I want to thank all my friends for stopping by to wish me a happy birthday. I appreciate all of you! And to my good friend Tracy for putting up this post for me! PK, you might not want to stop by, because it all looks delicious! Thanks Tracy for taking the time out to think of me! http://angelbrat454.blogspot.com/2010/05/happy-birthday-grace.html

Written while ignoring laundry by::

statistics show...

Statistics show the more birthdays you have the longer you live.

Makes perfect sense to me!

Guess that's a good reason to turn 42 today. And I don't feel a day over 41.

Thanks for a great year! It's been a hell since January but you all have made me smile! Sometimes that's all a girl needs.

I said SOMETIMES!

Now excuse me while I go kill off some more cancer cells!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Just so I can get rid of the whiney post....

I think I'm done whining. At least for today. The boob, she hurts, but since I have 5 more weeks to go...well, no sense whining every-single-day! Even I get bored with that. This is not to say that I won't feel like whining tomorrow. Heck NO, I can't promise that.

In honor of not feeling like whining, I decided to post some pics of our new dog. Yes, I KNOW....we got her 3 months ago. But see, I have this little thing called cancer that keeps my mind from thinking about anything else. (YES, I played the cancer card and will continue to use it for as long as it works! Did it work?)

Anyway, we are getting used to our dog. For a short while there, I thought we had made a big mistake. BUT....she is a really sweet dog and now that we are used to her, we love her. (except at 4 in the morning when she tries to protect us from the neighborhood cats by BARKING!) My son is in love with her! And since he's the main reason we got her...well, we will call this a success!

So, here she is....


Isn't she a beauty?



And added in, for your viewing pleasure is a picture of my cactus. I love this cactus. I saved it from my moms house when she was moving and it was just sitting there so I took it. It's NEVER had flowers on it and I've had it for about 4 years. Isn't it beautiful?





Wasn't this nicer than whining??

Written while ignoring laundry by::

modesty? I gots none

Seems like when you have breast cancer you immediately lose your modesty. I don't know how that happens.

I don't seem to mind people looking at my breast. Really, why should I mind? I've already shown them to most of the west coast. To me, they are just body parts. It could be that since I've used them for feeding my babies, it just doesn't seem like there is anything more to be modest about.

Let's face the facts here.....my boobs are not very sexy. Seriously, after breast feeding my babies and now that I've had surgery....trust me, these girls have seen better days.

So, it's hard for me to relate to Bossman's concerns about people seeing my boobs. He's still upset about it. I'm frustated about it.

I just don't think it's a big deal. But...Bossman does. And since he does, it's causing a great deal of tension in our relationship right now.

Listen, he's not a bad guy for feeling this way. Seriously, before cancer, my boobs were only seen once a year by a doc. It was quick and painless and we didn't really discuss it. Now he has to face the fact that lots of people get to see my boobs and some get to see them on a daily basis. NOT FUN!

I don't think there is any way to get over it. I don't think he will. I don't think I will. Frankly, it's just a part of life and I have to deal with it for a least 5 more weeks.

While we are on the cancer subject, (is there another?) there seems to be a lot of people that I know that have cancer. This is upsetting....of course it is...but here's the kicker....

My cancer is not as bad as theirs. Although this is good news for me, it's also making me feel like I can't complain, or say anything about mine because...

Mine isn't as bad as theirs. Therefore, I cannot relate. Mine is like a cold compared to their swine flu. I am a sore throat from allergies while they are strep throat. It's not like this is a contest. Nobody is keeping score. So why do I feel like my cancer is suddenly, no big deal?

Crazy right?

I mean, lets face it.

I have cancer. Or, let me rephrase that....

I had cancer. Or wait....I think I should say...

I'm in treatment for cancer.

I don't know. Since I had the surgery, I guess this means I don't have cancer...but since I'm doing radiation, I'm still treating cancer and here's a question....

When am I considered a survivor of cancer?

Since I'm here, I guess I'm a survivor, right?

Also, this radiation crap is kicking me in the butt. Or should I say, boob? My left boob feels like a truck ran over it a few times. It's sore and last night I realized I can't lay on that side. UM...since I'm a side sleeper and I only had one side...let's just say a good night sleep was not had by me.

Does this mean I won't get a good night sleep for the next 5 or more weeks? I wasn't prepared for this. I was prepared for dicolored, sunburned looking skin. I was prepared for fatigue. I was not prepared to flinch every time I rub my arm against my boob too hard. I wasn't prepared to flinch when Bossman gave me a hug.

And while I'm in a ranting mood....why is it that everytime someone asks me how I'm doing I feel the need to downplay everything?

People give me the pity look and ask "How are you doing?" And I give a big fat smile and say, "I'm fine." But in my head I'm screaming, "I have cancer, how do you think I feel?"

So, my internal struggles continue. But they happen with a smile on my face.

Seriously though, I'm confused.

Written while ignoring laundry by::

grocery list

I found this on the failblog site. Apparently this list was found in a parking lot of a store.

I sure hope they got everything on the list!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

fragile

I'm on my second week of radiation. You should see the stickers and sharpie marks on my boob.....very sexy!

Speaking of sexy....

I feel like everything is on hold around here. Bossman and I have talked. He feels like I made him a villian in my other post. I honestly didn't mean to make him that way, he most certainly is NOT the villian in this story. If anything, he's the hero. He's the one that takes care of me. I couldn't get through this without him.

But, I feel like I'm fragile. I don't FEEL fragile, but I feel like I'm being treated like I'm fragile. Sex seems off. I know he doesn't want to touch the affected boob...and that's ok. But, he has sort of said that we are just going to have to wait until my treatment is over. Like we can't really be "normal" until the treatments are over.

I guess I can see the point, but I don't want to wait. I want him to spank me. I want him to make love to me. I don't want him to be upset when I talk about my treatments. Mostly, I wish I didn't have to walk on eggshells.

Sure, the treatments will be over in 6 more weeks. BUT, after that I get to start some hormone pills. Or, should I say, anti-hormone pills. I'm told that I will probably experience menapausal symptoms. YAY me. I'm guessing I will probably be even more fun to be around when I start that. I feel like until now everything was fine, but now that treatments have started....life just isn't going to be the same. When I say life, I mean my SEX life. Yep, cancer sucks!

Thing is, I shouldn't complain. I am getting off easy. I don't have to have chemo. All this stuff shouldn't be bothering me...right? I should just be happy with what I have. AND, I AM happy. But I thought women were in their sexual peak in their 40's. I'm about to turn 42. I think I'm going to miss my sexual peak. Stupid cancer!

So, what have we learned from this post?

Bossman is not the villian.

Cancer sucks.

I'm a big baby.

I think that just about covers it.

Written while ignoring laundry by::

100 things about me revisited

I missed my blogaversary. My blog is now officially 6 years old. How many years is that in human years?? Seems like blogs years should be like dog years....

This blog has been great. I never thought I'd be here this long. There are times I feel like I have run out of things to say. Just when I think it's time to take down the old blog, I find myself wanting to write more. I think it's just the ebb and flow of life. Sometimes there are things to say and sometimes not.

I will say that I have met some incredible people through this blog. Some I've met in real life and can't wait to meet again. Some I have only met through emails and such, but they still mean the world to me. After writing this blog for so long I have learned a couple of things.

1. The world is actually very small.
2. Spanking is everywhere.
3. The spanking world is actually not as kinky or as weird as I thought it was.
4. There are actually normal people who like spanking. (I use normal loosely)
5. There are some really great people that read my blog. (yes, I'm talking about YOU)
6. There are some really great blogs out there.
7. While writing this blog over the years, my kids grew up.
8. While writing this blog over the years, I grew up.
9. While writing this blog over the years, Bossman and I grew together.
10. I may not be the best writer in the world, but I sure do enjoy the company.

So, thanks everyone! I keep coming here and writing stuff and you keep reading. I guess that's what it's all about.

In honor of my 6th blogaversary, I thought I'd post my 100 list that I first posted in 2004. I didn't change anything, but I added my thoughts in red.

1. I'm a Taurus
2. I don't believe in astrology
3. I'm good friends with God
4. I go to church on Saturday
5. I have 2 wonderful children
6. They are a girl and boy
7. The only man I've ever slept with is Bossman
8. I don't think I missed anything
9. I get annoyed with stupid people easily
10. I can't hold a grudge against someone
11. I'm extremely forgiving
12. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt
13 I'm tall and used to wish I was short
14 I like being tall now
15 I never used drugs...ever
16 I've never smoked
17 I don't like the taste of alcohol
18 I played the cymbals in the marching band in high school
19 I love to sing for church
20 Survivor is my favorite TV show All this time and it's still my favorite show
21 I cry at weddings
22 My favorite dessert is cheesecake
23 Bossman makes me laugh
24 I don't like sucking cock
25 I will suck Bossman if it's clean and shaved
26 I like being spanked
27 I love reading
28 My favorite books are the Outlander series Still love this series
29 Clan of the cave bear is my second favorite book series Is it weird that I like Harry Potter better?
30 My favorite movie is "Officer and a Gentleman"
31 I love musicals
32 Grease is my favorite musical movie
33 I think Richard Gere is hot
34 Bossman is my first and only love
35 I was a cheerleader in 4th grade
36 My parents made me play basketball because I was tall...I sucked
37 My father left when I was 5
38 I didn't meet him again until I was 22
39 I still don't like him
40 My first car was a yellow Ford Fiesta
41 My first brand new car was a blue Chevy Sprint
42 I went to 8 different schools by the time I was in high school
43 I've lived in 5 states and Germany
44 Bossman and I have lived in 9 different homes 10 now
45 Bossman and I have been married 15 years 21 now
46 I love him more than when we got married
47 I do not like people standing in front of the stores selling something or trying to make you sign something
48 I can't stand watching people talk with their mouths full
50 I went to 3 different proms
51 2 of them were with Bossman
52 I wore the same dress to 2 of them
53 I still have one of my prom dresses
54 The wildchild thinks its ugly But she wore it for Halloween one year....dressed as a dead prom queen.
55 I saved my wedding dress for my daughter I doubt she'll wear it
56 I collect dolls
57 I also collect heart shaped jewelry boxes
58 I've never met another person with my name
59 My mother was a hippy
60 I'm hooked on reality TV, Survivor is the best show ever. Also love Amazing Race and Biggest loser
61 I hated the "swan" I don't even remember this show
62 I love country music
63 Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw are my favorites got to see Tim in concert last summer
64 Bossman and I do not have the same taste in music
65 my favorite color is blue
66 I met a friend on yahoo chat 7 years ago, and we've never met Still haven't met and now it's been 11 years...still her friend
67 I hope to meet her someday
68 I used to have a cat named Mr. Bill
69 I love the beach
70 It's the only place I can put things in perspective
71 Bossman is my best friend
72 I hate housework
73 I hate cooking
74 I love eating
75 I need to lose 20lbs Who am I kidding? more like 30 or 40
76 The weight on my drivers license is wrong
77 That weight is now my goal Still my goal
78 I hate spending money
79 I love window shopping
80 Having my kids was the best thing I ever did in my life
81 Marrying Bossman was the best decision I ever made
82 I enjoy good gossip
83 I once met Richard Simmons
84 Yes, he's like that everywhere he goes
85 I haven't been to the movies this whole year So far this year, I've seen Avatar and The blindside. Both great movies.
86 I hate it when people don't like me, even if I don't know them
87 My recliner makes me very happy Don't have a recliner anymore.
88 Fat people in spandex make me sick
89 I hate feet. I think feet are gross, and I can't stand anyone even touching my feet. YUCK!
90 I am a SIM freak....I love the Sims and could play the SIM game for hours without stopping. Still play the Sims, but not as much as I used to....it's now the Sims 3.
91 I hate my double chin.
92 I wanted to be a teacher when I got older Um...yeah, I don't know what I was thinking
93 I am now old and I don't think I'll be a teacher
94 I was a girl scout and a brownie
95 I consider myself to be a good girl
96 I like kinky sex
97 I have very ugly toes
98 Ebay is my favorite place to shop Hardly ever shop ebay anymore...I am getting into Amazon and I still prefer going to a real store.
99 I don't think I can think of anything else to say about myself
100 My kids are my life (did I say that?)

Whew, I didn't think I could think of 100 things about myself. That was hard.

Here's what I would add today:


101 I have breast cancer but I'm going to be ok
102 My SIL has liver cancer and probably won't make it through this year. She's only 36
103 I finally got to go to Hawaii
104 I met 3 good blogger friends and spouses and I can't wait to see them again.
105 6 years ago, my daughter was in 8th grade and my son was in kindergarten. My daughter has since graduated high school and my son is about to start junior high.
106 I love Facebook


There you have it. Everything you didn't want to know about me and more. Fascinating stuff. Almost as fun as watching paint dry.

Oh and one other thing....for a number of years, every time I closed a post I ended it like this:

later.......

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Aloha? Can I go back now?

Hawaii was awesome! We had such an amazing time. This picture was just one of the hundreds that we took. We had an amazing view of the ocean from our balcony. We had room service on that balcony. We snorkeled, we relaxed by the pool and we spent one whole day just driving....



Quite simply, this was probably the best vacation we ever took.

I came back feeling refreshed and relaxed....



That relaxed feeling certainly didn't take long to disappate. Monday was just a terrible day. Maybe it was just the let down of leaving our vacation. Maybe it was just hard to get back into the routine of daily life. Maybe, it was the fact that we had a million things to do that day.



Or Maybe, maybe it was the fact that I had to start radiation.



I went to the appointment and I had to drive Bossman's car. He has a very cool looking mustang, it has special features and such that make it impressive looking, (if you like that sort of thing). I had to drive it because he and the little man were taking the dog to a training session. Can't have the dog in the sports car.

When I walked into the appointment, I was asked by the guys/techs, if that was my car. They informed me that they loved mustangs, one of them has a mustang.

Anyway, we carried on with the appointment. Yes, I was the popular one with cool car....LOL

After the appointment, I went to Petsmart, where they were training the dog. They were finished so I took the boy and the dog home and let Bossman have his car back. Before getting into the car, I started telling Bossman that his car was very popular with the guys at the docs office.

I didn't see the harm in saying it. I thought he'd be interested. Usually he's pretty proud of his car and happy when people make comments.


Apparently, telling him that two GUYS were the ones doing the radiation, didn't sit well with him.

Apparently, he's not happy that two guys get to look at my boob everyday.

He didn't say anything to me, but I could tell immediatly by his body language that he was suddenly in a BAD mood.

Whatever..... I just headed home. I realized on the way what he was probably mad about....but frankly, what the hell am I suppose to do about it??


I figured by the time he got home, he'd be ok.

He wasn't.

So, I fixed dinner and tried not to get upset with him. I kept telling myself that this is a stressful time and we just got back from vacation and so I should just leave him alone. Which I did.

Now, right before we left for our trip, we had our shower fixed in our bathroom. It's been broken since we moved into the place and we were finally able to get a friend to come over and do the work for us. (He's a contractor) The shower was drying while we were gone, so it was suppose to be usable when we got back. All we had to do was put the sliding doors back on and put up the shower head.

Bossman....was upset with me, so he went into the bathroom to put the doors back on the shower. One of the doors broke.

When I say broke, I mean it shattered into a million and one pieces....all over the shower, the floor...everywhere.

I didn't hear it....but he came out to get the broom and told me. I grabbed a broom and went to help clean it up. It was a MESS. I helped for a while...neither of us saying anything to each other, and then suddenly he asks why I'm in there. I say I'm helping, he says he doesn't need help.


Fine.

I leave.

Well, breaking the shower door didn't help improve his mood.


After dinner, he went to play softball.

After the softball game, he got a speeding ticket.

You can guess that he wasn't in the best of moods when he got home.

Two days later....we still aren't talking much.

So much for that relaxing feeling I had upon returning from our trip.....

I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this. Part of me understands his frustration. I'm sorry all those things happened the day we got back from our trip. Yes, it was not a good Monday.

Part of me wants scream at him for treating me like I'm doing something wrong. I can't help who the techs are at the radiation place. Frankly, the radiation is scaring the hell out of me and I don't have him to talk to about it. I have to go to this place every single day for the next 7 weeks and have 2 beams of radiation on my boob. Right now, my boob is so marked up with sharpie markers that every time I take off my shirt, I feel like a freak. I have two marks that they put see-through stickers on, and I have to leave them on. Plus they outlined the whole boob from under my arm pit to the middle of my cleavage. This is apparently the area that can become affected by the radiation. The skin will probably start looking like a sunburn and in about a week, I may start feeling sharp pains in my boob and under my pit. I can't shave my pit or wear deodarant on that area either.

I understand that this is a stressful time for him. But it's a stressful time for me and I don't need him acting like this right now. I need to lean on him. I need to cry out my frustation and have him hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right. Right now, I haven't even told him anything about it. I didn't tell him how I lay there and they all leave the room and I have my head turned away, but the thingie is in front of me for the first shot and so I can't see anything but the thingie....but the thingie moves when they do the second shot and then I can see a sign blinking on the wall that says, beam on, beam on, beam on......


And just seeing that blinking sign that says beam on for the 30 seconds that it's on, scares the crap out of me...because that beam is shooting right into me.....and for those minutes...


I'm all alone in there. And I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.


So....


I'm sure things will work out. They always do. I know he's just upset and he had a bad day. I'm sure this will all just be a blip on the screen of life and everything will be fine.


But, I really would like to go back to Hawaii. For 5 whole days, I felt really good and I didn't even think about cancer.



Real life sucks!

But just so I don't leave you feeling depressed, I thought I'd leave you with a picture we took of a statue that was in our hotel.

If this picture doesn't cheer you up....nothing will.

Isn't that a great butt???

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Where have I been?

The past few weeks haven't been so great for me. I haven't been feeling well and it hasn't had to do with the cancer....since I haven't started any treatment for that yet. (other than surgery)

My SIL D hasn't been doing so great. She's been having a hard time with her liver. The cancer has gone down, but I think her liver just has too much damage to work properly. It's so frustrating!

As for me....well, I don't know what the heck is going on with me. I've been having weird spells of.....I don't know. I thought they were panic attacks, but on a smaller scale. Then they sort of drifted into just not feeling well. All my energy gets zapped and I don't want to do anything but sleep. I'm feeling better this week, so I'm not really sure what the heck is going on.

The doctors...oh so wise....said they were panic attacks and gave me some meds. I tried the meds......OH dear. They were NOT for me. They made me feel weird and more nervous and I spent the better part of a Saturday in bed. Bossman took me back to the doc 2 days later. It was a different doc than the one that gave me the meds. Same practice though and I've seen him before. Let's just say...the guy was a pompous ASS! I tried to tell him how the meds made me feel. He said I didn't give them enough time. I tried to tell him that I thought it could be hormones and he said there WASN't a test for that......HUH? No test for hormones? Listen, I know I haven't been to med school, but come ON! I know there are tests for that.

Bossman took me home and said we were NEVER going there again! I mean, sure, my symptoms started off looking like panic attacks...but then it was happening all day....surely I wasn't having one continuous attack all day long!

But I forgot. He went to med school and I.....didn't.

Like I said, I'm feeling better this week. AND I'm glad for it. One week from today I'll be in Hawaii! Come hell or high water...I'm going. Even if I'm sick...I'm dragging my butt to Hawaii! Shoot, I can be sick and still lay on the beach!

Well, that's life for now. I've had the CT scan and the little freckle tattoos that mark the place for the radiation. The day after I get back from Hawaii, I get to start radiation! Not really looking forward to it...but it has to be done.

Anyway, just know that I'm still around and hanging in there! I've been lurking on the blogs still...when I feel up to reading.

I love you guys!!!!!!!!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

life is good

You would not believe how many times I have opened and closed blogger and written and deleted drafts. I'd get part way through a post and someone would interrupt and by the time I came back, I wouldn't like what I had written....so I'd delete. Start again, only to be interrupted again!

So...this time, I will finish a post. And actually let you guys read it...

The decision on chemo was made. I prayed, I polled people, I googled and I cried. In the end, I decided chemo was not for me. 3 percent is not really a lot...and it turns out that most people would agree with me. Of course, some would argue that I should be doing everything humanly possible.....(yes MOM!) I believe at this point, I am doing everything humanly possible. The side-effects and other nonsense that came along with chemo just didn't seem like it was going to make much of a difference and the long term effects of chemo didn't sit well with me. Upon visiting the breast cancer boards and finding people in very similar situations, I determined that there wasn't a "right" answer, only one that I could live with. I, alone, had to decide what was best for me. Crazy, I know! Because I'm not used to making decisions based on MY needs. I'm usually worried about everyone else's needs.

So, no chemo. But I was quite proud that I had done research. I found things that I should ask the doc and (I won't bore you with our mundane discussion on breasts and ovaries)the doc was quite impressed with my good questions. It brought some things to his mind that he hadn't thought of and we are both on the same page as to the rest of my treatment. He says he has NO problem with me NOT doing the chemo!

Now that the decision has been made, I am feeling much better. I don't feel like I have something hanging on my shoulders. YAY me!

Connie Sven and I have broken up. Actually, Sven broke up with me. Seems I'm doing so well, Sven doesn't need to see me anymore! Today was my last day of physical therapy. Although Sven and I had a splendid time together....it was time for Sven to move on to someone else! Goodbye Connie Sven!

I think I mentioned that Bossman won a trip to Hawaii....
I haven't brought it up because I was worried I wouldn't be able to go on the trip. At the time, I wasn't sure what my treatment was going to be, so I didn't want to get to excited. But now it's time to get excited!!!!! I get to go!

The docs said I could start my radiation the day after I get back from Hawaii. Once I start the radiation, I will go every day for 7 weeks. That's right.....every-single-day! (except weekends) They didn't want me to miss one, so they said I could start when I get back. So from now until then...April 14th...I don't have any treatment. Well, I do have to go and get ready for the radiation. I'll have a CT scan and they will give me a couple of tattoos. (I'm hoping for a butterfly and a star...) Actually, the tats are freckle sized and they will permanently mark where they will be doing the radiation. They will also go through a test run with me, so they can make sure they will be shooting that radiation in the exact place they want it to go.

Oh, one more thing before I run.....

I got THIS....



for an anniversary gift.

I only have one word for it. OUCH!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Seriously?????

Thank goodness it's mint flavored!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Twenty-one

21 years ago, this man and this woman got married.....





The rest...as they say....is history!

Dear Bossman,
I love you more today than I ever did. You are my soul. Although the vows clearly stated "in sickness and in health", I had hoped that the sickness part wouldn't happen so soon. I don't know how I would managed to live without you by my side. I do know that I couldn't have survived this far without you. The journey has had many ups and downs but I always knew we would make it through together.

This breast cancer journey would have been much worse without you holding my hand and telling me that everything will be ok. I couldn't have done this alone. You have been my rock and my strength when I have fallen apart. You've prayed with me, you've held me and you've wiped away my tears. You've made me smile and laugh when I didn't think I could.

Saying I love you just doesn't seem like enough. I don't think I could ever truly tell you how much I love you. I don't think there are enough words in the whole world that could make you understand how I feel about you. You are my every breath that I take.

I am nothing without you.

Happy Anniversary, my love! I can't wait to see what the next 21 years will hold!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

not-so terrible Tuesday

It's only 10 am, but I have a feeling today won't be so bad. I get to visit "Sven". So that should prove interesting.

Yesterday went from bad to worse. Yes, Bossman held me and I tried to explain that I will not always be in a good mood. In fact, from what I've read about some of the drugs I'll have to take...I may not be in a good mood for the next 5 years. (that's how long I'll be taking the drug.)

I tried to quit wallowing and spent the evening watching cheesy tv shows.

At one point, I got up to use the bathroom. A girl does have to pee once in awhile. I used the bathroom that is connected to the laundry room. After I finished AND washed my hands....I walked through the laundry room.

Then I decided to do a triple toe loop over the laundry basket.

The judges marked me down because I didn't stick the landing.

Today I feel like a truck ran over my right side. My knee, my neck, my hand...all suffering.

I always knew that laundry was dangerous.....

Written while ignoring laundry by::

mondays suck

If you don't want to read the ramblings of a confused woman...please feel free to click on one of my links to the left. I'm sure those people have interesting things to say.

I had a great weekend. Remind me to tell you about our night alone in a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub, bubbles and chinese food. Also, remind me to tell you about the spanking I got on Friday. (Yes, Virginia, spanking does exist!)

Today is not a good day. I'm very low and I can't shake it. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I have to make the most important decision I've ever had to make. Everyone is getting on my nerves and I feel like I might break down in tears any second. I have no one to talk to right now. Even if I did, I don't know what I'd say. I feel very alone, very scared and I feel like I'm the only one that's ever had to go though this.

I KNOW....I'm not the only one. I've been to the breast cancer boards. I know there are tons of people in my exact position....but they aren't here. They are just words on a screen. I've thought of going to a support group but.......I can't. That's too social for me. I'm to nervous to attend something like that by myself. PLUS....I can't bear to hear all the horror stories. I've read them. I've seen them with my SIL.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and I think sometimes that's ok. I've earned the right to feel sorry for myself. I have a scary disease.

I know for every sad story there are 2 good ones. I'm one of the lucky ones. My cancer isn't that bad. My story is not one of the sad ones.......yet.

My story will probably never be one of the sad ones....but I get to live with the fear that it might for the rest of my days. Sure, I'll learn how to live without the fear. I know life will someday resemble something called normal. BUT, right now......I just want to wallow.

Bossman doesn't get it. The decision is simple for him. He's been so sweet to me. But one stupid comment makes me upset. Like today, I said I was just going to wait for the follow-up appointment before I made my final decision, as I have some questions I'd like to ask. He says, just as long as they don't need to look at my boob again. There isn't a need for them to look at it again......

Um.....

Well, he didn't say it to be mean...but what the hell? AM I suppose to just tell them, no don't look at my boob again? If they want to look at it again, what's it gonna hurt? I've already flashed everyone I've seen. What's the big deal? It's a boob. And now it's ugly. So who cares who looks at it?

And then I got upset and said I would just go to the rest of the appointments myself. So then he got mad and said fine, if I wanted to be like that then I could.

Then he left for work

and I cried.

I thought that writing would help me sort it out, but it's really just making me upset all over again.

I just need to make a decision and move on. But right now, I just need to wallow.

And I need my husband to hold me. Which I know he will when he comes home.

But he's not here. So........

Mondays were never good days anyway!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Cancer can be fun!

Today was my kind of day!

Since I had one of my lymph-nodes removed, I get to see a physical therapist. This is because I could, in a rare instance, develop lymphodema. It will be rare for me because I only had one removed, but it could happen and so they want to prepare me. Things for me to be careful of are making sure I don't have blood pressure done on that arm, making sure I don't have blood drawn or IV's on that arm.

Also, I can't do my drugs on that arm...and since it's my left arm and I'm right handed, that makes shooting myself up really really hard! *

Today was my PT appointment. I went yesterday for a consult, but today was the real deal. See, not only do I have to worry about lymphodema, but since the surgery, I can't really move my arm all the way over my head. Apparently, this is important. I find it's only important on those occasions when I feel the need to wash my hair, but I guess they think it's more important than that. I think that as long as I can still type and work the remote, I'm fine.

So, today they were to teach me some exercises to stretch the arm and also to stretch the scar tissue so I will have full mobility of that arm and will fully be able to put shampoo on the top of my head!

My therapist is a nice lady, probably in her 60's. BUT, for all intents and purposes, let's pretend she was a Swedish man in his late 20's by the name of Sven.

Sven asked me to take off my shirt and put a gown on. Right away, I'm confused. I thought I was going to do some stretching. But, it's Sven and so I took my shirt off.

Sven then guided me through some fairly boring stretching exercises. But suddenly, things got a little more interesting. Sven brings out a cane!

Ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly a cane, but it was a stick closely resembling a cane. Or, maybe a broomstick, but for this story, lets call it a cane!

Sven showed me how to stretch the left side with the cane. He showed me the proper way to hold the cane and the proper way to bend, with the cane. Very informative, Sven is!

After we finished with the cane, we moved on to corner time. Yes, you heard right, corner time. Sven had me stand in the corner with my arm stretching up the wall. I had to stand there for a few minutes, stretching my arm up and down the corner. Sven told me I was doing very well.

Corner time was over before I knew it. Time flies when having fun, I tell ya. After corner time, Sven asks me to lay down. Sven turns off the light and tells me he's going to teach me some massage techniques. I have to know how to massage the area if lymphodema should occur.

Sven then massages my arm, my pecs and my side. Then Sven says he must massage the scar area. Hence the reason I had to wear a gown. Sven massages both of the scar areas. (I have a scar from the lymph node and one from the lumpectomy.) Sven says the scar tissue can make the area tight and that is why I'm not able to shampoo my head. So, in case you are wondering, Sven massaged my boob!

Sadly, we ended there for the day. I get to go back to Sven four more times!

See, I bet you all are extremely jealous now!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

*P.S. I don't really do drugs, but if I wanted to I can't. Why is it the minute someone tells you you can't do something, you want to do it?