Just so I can get rid of the whiney post....

I think I'm done whining. At least for today. The boob, she hurts, but since I have 5 more weeks to go...well, no sense whining every-single-day! Even I get bored with that. This is not to say that I won't feel like whining tomorrow. Heck NO, I can't promise that.

In honor of not feeling like whining, I decided to post some pics of our new dog. Yes, I KNOW....we got her 3 months ago. But see, I have this little thing called cancer that keeps my mind from thinking about anything else. (YES, I played the cancer card and will continue to use it for as long as it works! Did it work?)

Anyway, we are getting used to our dog. For a short while there, I thought we had made a big mistake. BUT....she is a really sweet dog and now that we are used to her, we love her. (except at 4 in the morning when she tries to protect us from the neighborhood cats by BARKING!) My son is in love with her! And since he's the main reason we got her...well, we will call this a success!

So, here she is....


Isn't she a beauty?



And added in, for your viewing pleasure is a picture of my cactus. I love this cactus. I saved it from my moms house when she was moving and it was just sitting there so I took it. It's NEVER had flowers on it and I've had it for about 4 years. Isn't it beautiful?





Wasn't this nicer than whining??

Written while ignoring laundry by::

modesty? I gots none

Seems like when you have breast cancer you immediately lose your modesty. I don't know how that happens.

I don't seem to mind people looking at my breast. Really, why should I mind? I've already shown them to most of the west coast. To me, they are just body parts. It could be that since I've used them for feeding my babies, it just doesn't seem like there is anything more to be modest about.

Let's face the facts here.....my boobs are not very sexy. Seriously, after breast feeding my babies and now that I've had surgery....trust me, these girls have seen better days.

So, it's hard for me to relate to Bossman's concerns about people seeing my boobs. He's still upset about it. I'm frustated about it.

I just don't think it's a big deal. But...Bossman does. And since he does, it's causing a great deal of tension in our relationship right now.

Listen, he's not a bad guy for feeling this way. Seriously, before cancer, my boobs were only seen once a year by a doc. It was quick and painless and we didn't really discuss it. Now he has to face the fact that lots of people get to see my boobs and some get to see them on a daily basis. NOT FUN!

I don't think there is any way to get over it. I don't think he will. I don't think I will. Frankly, it's just a part of life and I have to deal with it for a least 5 more weeks.

While we are on the cancer subject, (is there another?) there seems to be a lot of people that I know that have cancer. This is upsetting....of course it is...but here's the kicker....

My cancer is not as bad as theirs. Although this is good news for me, it's also making me feel like I can't complain, or say anything about mine because...

Mine isn't as bad as theirs. Therefore, I cannot relate. Mine is like a cold compared to their swine flu. I am a sore throat from allergies while they are strep throat. It's not like this is a contest. Nobody is keeping score. So why do I feel like my cancer is suddenly, no big deal?

Crazy right?

I mean, lets face it.

I have cancer. Or, let me rephrase that....

I had cancer. Or wait....I think I should say...

I'm in treatment for cancer.

I don't know. Since I had the surgery, I guess this means I don't have cancer...but since I'm doing radiation, I'm still treating cancer and here's a question....

When am I considered a survivor of cancer?

Since I'm here, I guess I'm a survivor, right?

Also, this radiation crap is kicking me in the butt. Or should I say, boob? My left boob feels like a truck ran over it a few times. It's sore and last night I realized I can't lay on that side. UM...since I'm a side sleeper and I only had one side...let's just say a good night sleep was not had by me.

Does this mean I won't get a good night sleep for the next 5 or more weeks? I wasn't prepared for this. I was prepared for dicolored, sunburned looking skin. I was prepared for fatigue. I was not prepared to flinch every time I rub my arm against my boob too hard. I wasn't prepared to flinch when Bossman gave me a hug.

And while I'm in a ranting mood....why is it that everytime someone asks me how I'm doing I feel the need to downplay everything?

People give me the pity look and ask "How are you doing?" And I give a big fat smile and say, "I'm fine." But in my head I'm screaming, "I have cancer, how do you think I feel?"

So, my internal struggles continue. But they happen with a smile on my face.

Seriously though, I'm confused.

Written while ignoring laundry by::

grocery list

I found this on the failblog site. Apparently this list was found in a parking lot of a store.

I sure hope they got everything on the list!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

fragile

I'm on my second week of radiation. You should see the stickers and sharpie marks on my boob.....very sexy!

Speaking of sexy....

I feel like everything is on hold around here. Bossman and I have talked. He feels like I made him a villian in my other post. I honestly didn't mean to make him that way, he most certainly is NOT the villian in this story. If anything, he's the hero. He's the one that takes care of me. I couldn't get through this without him.

But, I feel like I'm fragile. I don't FEEL fragile, but I feel like I'm being treated like I'm fragile. Sex seems off. I know he doesn't want to touch the affected boob...and that's ok. But, he has sort of said that we are just going to have to wait until my treatment is over. Like we can't really be "normal" until the treatments are over.

I guess I can see the point, but I don't want to wait. I want him to spank me. I want him to make love to me. I don't want him to be upset when I talk about my treatments. Mostly, I wish I didn't have to walk on eggshells.

Sure, the treatments will be over in 6 more weeks. BUT, after that I get to start some hormone pills. Or, should I say, anti-hormone pills. I'm told that I will probably experience menapausal symptoms. YAY me. I'm guessing I will probably be even more fun to be around when I start that. I feel like until now everything was fine, but now that treatments have started....life just isn't going to be the same. When I say life, I mean my SEX life. Yep, cancer sucks!

Thing is, I shouldn't complain. I am getting off easy. I don't have to have chemo. All this stuff shouldn't be bothering me...right? I should just be happy with what I have. AND, I AM happy. But I thought women were in their sexual peak in their 40's. I'm about to turn 42. I think I'm going to miss my sexual peak. Stupid cancer!

So, what have we learned from this post?

Bossman is not the villian.

Cancer sucks.

I'm a big baby.

I think that just about covers it.

Written while ignoring laundry by::

100 things about me revisited

I missed my blogaversary. My blog is now officially 6 years old. How many years is that in human years?? Seems like blogs years should be like dog years....

This blog has been great. I never thought I'd be here this long. There are times I feel like I have run out of things to say. Just when I think it's time to take down the old blog, I find myself wanting to write more. I think it's just the ebb and flow of life. Sometimes there are things to say and sometimes not.

I will say that I have met some incredible people through this blog. Some I've met in real life and can't wait to meet again. Some I have only met through emails and such, but they still mean the world to me. After writing this blog for so long I have learned a couple of things.

1. The world is actually very small.
2. Spanking is everywhere.
3. The spanking world is actually not as kinky or as weird as I thought it was.
4. There are actually normal people who like spanking. (I use normal loosely)
5. There are some really great people that read my blog. (yes, I'm talking about YOU)
6. There are some really great blogs out there.
7. While writing this blog over the years, my kids grew up.
8. While writing this blog over the years, I grew up.
9. While writing this blog over the years, Bossman and I grew together.
10. I may not be the best writer in the world, but I sure do enjoy the company.

So, thanks everyone! I keep coming here and writing stuff and you keep reading. I guess that's what it's all about.

In honor of my 6th blogaversary, I thought I'd post my 100 list that I first posted in 2004. I didn't change anything, but I added my thoughts in red.

1. I'm a Taurus
2. I don't believe in astrology
3. I'm good friends with God
4. I go to church on Saturday
5. I have 2 wonderful children
6. They are a girl and boy
7. The only man I've ever slept with is Bossman
8. I don't think I missed anything
9. I get annoyed with stupid people easily
10. I can't hold a grudge against someone
11. I'm extremely forgiving
12. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt
13 I'm tall and used to wish I was short
14 I like being tall now
15 I never used drugs...ever
16 I've never smoked
17 I don't like the taste of alcohol
18 I played the cymbals in the marching band in high school
19 I love to sing for church
20 Survivor is my favorite TV show All this time and it's still my favorite show
21 I cry at weddings
22 My favorite dessert is cheesecake
23 Bossman makes me laugh
24 I don't like sucking cock
25 I will suck Bossman if it's clean and shaved
26 I like being spanked
27 I love reading
28 My favorite books are the Outlander series Still love this series
29 Clan of the cave bear is my second favorite book series Is it weird that I like Harry Potter better?
30 My favorite movie is "Officer and a Gentleman"
31 I love musicals
32 Grease is my favorite musical movie
33 I think Richard Gere is hot
34 Bossman is my first and only love
35 I was a cheerleader in 4th grade
36 My parents made me play basketball because I was tall...I sucked
37 My father left when I was 5
38 I didn't meet him again until I was 22
39 I still don't like him
40 My first car was a yellow Ford Fiesta
41 My first brand new car was a blue Chevy Sprint
42 I went to 8 different schools by the time I was in high school
43 I've lived in 5 states and Germany
44 Bossman and I have lived in 9 different homes 10 now
45 Bossman and I have been married 15 years 21 now
46 I love him more than when we got married
47 I do not like people standing in front of the stores selling something or trying to make you sign something
48 I can't stand watching people talk with their mouths full
50 I went to 3 different proms
51 2 of them were with Bossman
52 I wore the same dress to 2 of them
53 I still have one of my prom dresses
54 The wildchild thinks its ugly But she wore it for Halloween one year....dressed as a dead prom queen.
55 I saved my wedding dress for my daughter I doubt she'll wear it
56 I collect dolls
57 I also collect heart shaped jewelry boxes
58 I've never met another person with my name
59 My mother was a hippy
60 I'm hooked on reality TV, Survivor is the best show ever. Also love Amazing Race and Biggest loser
61 I hated the "swan" I don't even remember this show
62 I love country music
63 Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw are my favorites got to see Tim in concert last summer
64 Bossman and I do not have the same taste in music
65 my favorite color is blue
66 I met a friend on yahoo chat 7 years ago, and we've never met Still haven't met and now it's been 11 years...still her friend
67 I hope to meet her someday
68 I used to have a cat named Mr. Bill
69 I love the beach
70 It's the only place I can put things in perspective
71 Bossman is my best friend
72 I hate housework
73 I hate cooking
74 I love eating
75 I need to lose 20lbs Who am I kidding? more like 30 or 40
76 The weight on my drivers license is wrong
77 That weight is now my goal Still my goal
78 I hate spending money
79 I love window shopping
80 Having my kids was the best thing I ever did in my life
81 Marrying Bossman was the best decision I ever made
82 I enjoy good gossip
83 I once met Richard Simmons
84 Yes, he's like that everywhere he goes
85 I haven't been to the movies this whole year So far this year, I've seen Avatar and The blindside. Both great movies.
86 I hate it when people don't like me, even if I don't know them
87 My recliner makes me very happy Don't have a recliner anymore.
88 Fat people in spandex make me sick
89 I hate feet. I think feet are gross, and I can't stand anyone even touching my feet. YUCK!
90 I am a SIM freak....I love the Sims and could play the SIM game for hours without stopping. Still play the Sims, but not as much as I used to....it's now the Sims 3.
91 I hate my double chin.
92 I wanted to be a teacher when I got older Um...yeah, I don't know what I was thinking
93 I am now old and I don't think I'll be a teacher
94 I was a girl scout and a brownie
95 I consider myself to be a good girl
96 I like kinky sex
97 I have very ugly toes
98 Ebay is my favorite place to shop Hardly ever shop ebay anymore...I am getting into Amazon and I still prefer going to a real store.
99 I don't think I can think of anything else to say about myself
100 My kids are my life (did I say that?)

Whew, I didn't think I could think of 100 things about myself. That was hard.

Here's what I would add today:


101 I have breast cancer but I'm going to be ok
102 My SIL has liver cancer and probably won't make it through this year. She's only 36
103 I finally got to go to Hawaii
104 I met 3 good blogger friends and spouses and I can't wait to see them again.
105 6 years ago, my daughter was in 8th grade and my son was in kindergarten. My daughter has since graduated high school and my son is about to start junior high.
106 I love Facebook


There you have it. Everything you didn't want to know about me and more. Fascinating stuff. Almost as fun as watching paint dry.

Oh and one other thing....for a number of years, every time I closed a post I ended it like this:

later.......

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Aloha? Can I go back now?

Hawaii was awesome! We had such an amazing time. This picture was just one of the hundreds that we took. We had an amazing view of the ocean from our balcony. We had room service on that balcony. We snorkeled, we relaxed by the pool and we spent one whole day just driving....



Quite simply, this was probably the best vacation we ever took.

I came back feeling refreshed and relaxed....



That relaxed feeling certainly didn't take long to disappate. Monday was just a terrible day. Maybe it was just the let down of leaving our vacation. Maybe it was just hard to get back into the routine of daily life. Maybe, it was the fact that we had a million things to do that day.



Or Maybe, maybe it was the fact that I had to start radiation.



I went to the appointment and I had to drive Bossman's car. He has a very cool looking mustang, it has special features and such that make it impressive looking, (if you like that sort of thing). I had to drive it because he and the little man were taking the dog to a training session. Can't have the dog in the sports car.

When I walked into the appointment, I was asked by the guys/techs, if that was my car. They informed me that they loved mustangs, one of them has a mustang.

Anyway, we carried on with the appointment. Yes, I was the popular one with cool car....LOL

After the appointment, I went to Petsmart, where they were training the dog. They were finished so I took the boy and the dog home and let Bossman have his car back. Before getting into the car, I started telling Bossman that his car was very popular with the guys at the docs office.

I didn't see the harm in saying it. I thought he'd be interested. Usually he's pretty proud of his car and happy when people make comments.


Apparently, telling him that two GUYS were the ones doing the radiation, didn't sit well with him.

Apparently, he's not happy that two guys get to look at my boob everyday.

He didn't say anything to me, but I could tell immediatly by his body language that he was suddenly in a BAD mood.

Whatever..... I just headed home. I realized on the way what he was probably mad about....but frankly, what the hell am I suppose to do about it??


I figured by the time he got home, he'd be ok.

He wasn't.

So, I fixed dinner and tried not to get upset with him. I kept telling myself that this is a stressful time and we just got back from vacation and so I should just leave him alone. Which I did.

Now, right before we left for our trip, we had our shower fixed in our bathroom. It's been broken since we moved into the place and we were finally able to get a friend to come over and do the work for us. (He's a contractor) The shower was drying while we were gone, so it was suppose to be usable when we got back. All we had to do was put the sliding doors back on and put up the shower head.

Bossman....was upset with me, so he went into the bathroom to put the doors back on the shower. One of the doors broke.

When I say broke, I mean it shattered into a million and one pieces....all over the shower, the floor...everywhere.

I didn't hear it....but he came out to get the broom and told me. I grabbed a broom and went to help clean it up. It was a MESS. I helped for a while...neither of us saying anything to each other, and then suddenly he asks why I'm in there. I say I'm helping, he says he doesn't need help.


Fine.

I leave.

Well, breaking the shower door didn't help improve his mood.


After dinner, he went to play softball.

After the softball game, he got a speeding ticket.

You can guess that he wasn't in the best of moods when he got home.

Two days later....we still aren't talking much.

So much for that relaxing feeling I had upon returning from our trip.....

I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this. Part of me understands his frustration. I'm sorry all those things happened the day we got back from our trip. Yes, it was not a good Monday.

Part of me wants scream at him for treating me like I'm doing something wrong. I can't help who the techs are at the radiation place. Frankly, the radiation is scaring the hell out of me and I don't have him to talk to about it. I have to go to this place every single day for the next 7 weeks and have 2 beams of radiation on my boob. Right now, my boob is so marked up with sharpie markers that every time I take off my shirt, I feel like a freak. I have two marks that they put see-through stickers on, and I have to leave them on. Plus they outlined the whole boob from under my arm pit to the middle of my cleavage. This is apparently the area that can become affected by the radiation. The skin will probably start looking like a sunburn and in about a week, I may start feeling sharp pains in my boob and under my pit. I can't shave my pit or wear deodarant on that area either.

I understand that this is a stressful time for him. But it's a stressful time for me and I don't need him acting like this right now. I need to lean on him. I need to cry out my frustation and have him hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right. Right now, I haven't even told him anything about it. I didn't tell him how I lay there and they all leave the room and I have my head turned away, but the thingie is in front of me for the first shot and so I can't see anything but the thingie....but the thingie moves when they do the second shot and then I can see a sign blinking on the wall that says, beam on, beam on, beam on......


And just seeing that blinking sign that says beam on for the 30 seconds that it's on, scares the crap out of me...because that beam is shooting right into me.....and for those minutes...


I'm all alone in there. And I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.


So....


I'm sure things will work out. They always do. I know he's just upset and he had a bad day. I'm sure this will all just be a blip on the screen of life and everything will be fine.


But, I really would like to go back to Hawaii. For 5 whole days, I felt really good and I didn't even think about cancer.



Real life sucks!

But just so I don't leave you feeling depressed, I thought I'd leave you with a picture we took of a statue that was in our hotel.

If this picture doesn't cheer you up....nothing will.

Isn't that a great butt???

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Where have I been?

The past few weeks haven't been so great for me. I haven't been feeling well and it hasn't had to do with the cancer....since I haven't started any treatment for that yet. (other than surgery)

My SIL D hasn't been doing so great. She's been having a hard time with her liver. The cancer has gone down, but I think her liver just has too much damage to work properly. It's so frustrating!

As for me....well, I don't know what the heck is going on with me. I've been having weird spells of.....I don't know. I thought they were panic attacks, but on a smaller scale. Then they sort of drifted into just not feeling well. All my energy gets zapped and I don't want to do anything but sleep. I'm feeling better this week, so I'm not really sure what the heck is going on.

The doctors...oh so wise....said they were panic attacks and gave me some meds. I tried the meds......OH dear. They were NOT for me. They made me feel weird and more nervous and I spent the better part of a Saturday in bed. Bossman took me back to the doc 2 days later. It was a different doc than the one that gave me the meds. Same practice though and I've seen him before. Let's just say...the guy was a pompous ASS! I tried to tell him how the meds made me feel. He said I didn't give them enough time. I tried to tell him that I thought it could be hormones and he said there WASN't a test for that......HUH? No test for hormones? Listen, I know I haven't been to med school, but come ON! I know there are tests for that.

Bossman took me home and said we were NEVER going there again! I mean, sure, my symptoms started off looking like panic attacks...but then it was happening all day....surely I wasn't having one continuous attack all day long!

But I forgot. He went to med school and I.....didn't.

Like I said, I'm feeling better this week. AND I'm glad for it. One week from today I'll be in Hawaii! Come hell or high water...I'm going. Even if I'm sick...I'm dragging my butt to Hawaii! Shoot, I can be sick and still lay on the beach!

Well, that's life for now. I've had the CT scan and the little freckle tattoos that mark the place for the radiation. The day after I get back from Hawaii, I get to start radiation! Not really looking forward to it...but it has to be done.

Anyway, just know that I'm still around and hanging in there! I've been lurking on the blogs still...when I feel up to reading.

I love you guys!!!!!!!!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

life is good

You would not believe how many times I have opened and closed blogger and written and deleted drafts. I'd get part way through a post and someone would interrupt and by the time I came back, I wouldn't like what I had written....so I'd delete. Start again, only to be interrupted again!

So...this time, I will finish a post. And actually let you guys read it...

The decision on chemo was made. I prayed, I polled people, I googled and I cried. In the end, I decided chemo was not for me. 3 percent is not really a lot...and it turns out that most people would agree with me. Of course, some would argue that I should be doing everything humanly possible.....(yes MOM!) I believe at this point, I am doing everything humanly possible. The side-effects and other nonsense that came along with chemo just didn't seem like it was going to make much of a difference and the long term effects of chemo didn't sit well with me. Upon visiting the breast cancer boards and finding people in very similar situations, I determined that there wasn't a "right" answer, only one that I could live with. I, alone, had to decide what was best for me. Crazy, I know! Because I'm not used to making decisions based on MY needs. I'm usually worried about everyone else's needs.

So, no chemo. But I was quite proud that I had done research. I found things that I should ask the doc and (I won't bore you with our mundane discussion on breasts and ovaries)the doc was quite impressed with my good questions. It brought some things to his mind that he hadn't thought of and we are both on the same page as to the rest of my treatment. He says he has NO problem with me NOT doing the chemo!

Now that the decision has been made, I am feeling much better. I don't feel like I have something hanging on my shoulders. YAY me!

Connie Sven and I have broken up. Actually, Sven broke up with me. Seems I'm doing so well, Sven doesn't need to see me anymore! Today was my last day of physical therapy. Although Sven and I had a splendid time together....it was time for Sven to move on to someone else! Goodbye Connie Sven!

I think I mentioned that Bossman won a trip to Hawaii....
I haven't brought it up because I was worried I wouldn't be able to go on the trip. At the time, I wasn't sure what my treatment was going to be, so I didn't want to get to excited. But now it's time to get excited!!!!! I get to go!

The docs said I could start my radiation the day after I get back from Hawaii. Once I start the radiation, I will go every day for 7 weeks. That's right.....every-single-day! (except weekends) They didn't want me to miss one, so they said I could start when I get back. So from now until then...April 14th...I don't have any treatment. Well, I do have to go and get ready for the radiation. I'll have a CT scan and they will give me a couple of tattoos. (I'm hoping for a butterfly and a star...) Actually, the tats are freckle sized and they will permanently mark where they will be doing the radiation. They will also go through a test run with me, so they can make sure they will be shooting that radiation in the exact place they want it to go.

Oh, one more thing before I run.....

I got THIS....



for an anniversary gift.

I only have one word for it. OUCH!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Seriously?????

Thank goodness it's mint flavored!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Twenty-one

21 years ago, this man and this woman got married.....





The rest...as they say....is history!

Dear Bossman,
I love you more today than I ever did. You are my soul. Although the vows clearly stated "in sickness and in health", I had hoped that the sickness part wouldn't happen so soon. I don't know how I would managed to live without you by my side. I do know that I couldn't have survived this far without you. The journey has had many ups and downs but I always knew we would make it through together.

This breast cancer journey would have been much worse without you holding my hand and telling me that everything will be ok. I couldn't have done this alone. You have been my rock and my strength when I have fallen apart. You've prayed with me, you've held me and you've wiped away my tears. You've made me smile and laugh when I didn't think I could.

Saying I love you just doesn't seem like enough. I don't think I could ever truly tell you how much I love you. I don't think there are enough words in the whole world that could make you understand how I feel about you. You are my every breath that I take.

I am nothing without you.

Happy Anniversary, my love! I can't wait to see what the next 21 years will hold!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

not-so terrible Tuesday

It's only 10 am, but I have a feeling today won't be so bad. I get to visit "Sven". So that should prove interesting.

Yesterday went from bad to worse. Yes, Bossman held me and I tried to explain that I will not always be in a good mood. In fact, from what I've read about some of the drugs I'll have to take...I may not be in a good mood for the next 5 years. (that's how long I'll be taking the drug.)

I tried to quit wallowing and spent the evening watching cheesy tv shows.

At one point, I got up to use the bathroom. A girl does have to pee once in awhile. I used the bathroom that is connected to the laundry room. After I finished AND washed my hands....I walked through the laundry room.

Then I decided to do a triple toe loop over the laundry basket.

The judges marked me down because I didn't stick the landing.

Today I feel like a truck ran over my right side. My knee, my neck, my hand...all suffering.

I always knew that laundry was dangerous.....

Written while ignoring laundry by::

mondays suck

If you don't want to read the ramblings of a confused woman...please feel free to click on one of my links to the left. I'm sure those people have interesting things to say.

I had a great weekend. Remind me to tell you about our night alone in a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub, bubbles and chinese food. Also, remind me to tell you about the spanking I got on Friday. (Yes, Virginia, spanking does exist!)

Today is not a good day. I'm very low and I can't shake it. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I have to make the most important decision I've ever had to make. Everyone is getting on my nerves and I feel like I might break down in tears any second. I have no one to talk to right now. Even if I did, I don't know what I'd say. I feel very alone, very scared and I feel like I'm the only one that's ever had to go though this.

I KNOW....I'm not the only one. I've been to the breast cancer boards. I know there are tons of people in my exact position....but they aren't here. They are just words on a screen. I've thought of going to a support group but.......I can't. That's too social for me. I'm to nervous to attend something like that by myself. PLUS....I can't bear to hear all the horror stories. I've read them. I've seen them with my SIL.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and I think sometimes that's ok. I've earned the right to feel sorry for myself. I have a scary disease.

I know for every sad story there are 2 good ones. I'm one of the lucky ones. My cancer isn't that bad. My story is not one of the sad ones.......yet.

My story will probably never be one of the sad ones....but I get to live with the fear that it might for the rest of my days. Sure, I'll learn how to live without the fear. I know life will someday resemble something called normal. BUT, right now......I just want to wallow.

Bossman doesn't get it. The decision is simple for him. He's been so sweet to me. But one stupid comment makes me upset. Like today, I said I was just going to wait for the follow-up appointment before I made my final decision, as I have some questions I'd like to ask. He says, just as long as they don't need to look at my boob again. There isn't a need for them to look at it again......

Um.....

Well, he didn't say it to be mean...but what the hell? AM I suppose to just tell them, no don't look at my boob again? If they want to look at it again, what's it gonna hurt? I've already flashed everyone I've seen. What's the big deal? It's a boob. And now it's ugly. So who cares who looks at it?

And then I got upset and said I would just go to the rest of the appointments myself. So then he got mad and said fine, if I wanted to be like that then I could.

Then he left for work

and I cried.

I thought that writing would help me sort it out, but it's really just making me upset all over again.

I just need to make a decision and move on. But right now, I just need to wallow.

And I need my husband to hold me. Which I know he will when he comes home.

But he's not here. So........

Mondays were never good days anyway!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Cancer can be fun!

Today was my kind of day!

Since I had one of my lymph-nodes removed, I get to see a physical therapist. This is because I could, in a rare instance, develop lymphodema. It will be rare for me because I only had one removed, but it could happen and so they want to prepare me. Things for me to be careful of are making sure I don't have blood pressure done on that arm, making sure I don't have blood drawn or IV's on that arm.

Also, I can't do my drugs on that arm...and since it's my left arm and I'm right handed, that makes shooting myself up really really hard! *

Today was my PT appointment. I went yesterday for a consult, but today was the real deal. See, not only do I have to worry about lymphodema, but since the surgery, I can't really move my arm all the way over my head. Apparently, this is important. I find it's only important on those occasions when I feel the need to wash my hair, but I guess they think it's more important than that. I think that as long as I can still type and work the remote, I'm fine.

So, today they were to teach me some exercises to stretch the arm and also to stretch the scar tissue so I will have full mobility of that arm and will fully be able to put shampoo on the top of my head!

My therapist is a nice lady, probably in her 60's. BUT, for all intents and purposes, let's pretend she was a Swedish man in his late 20's by the name of Sven.

Sven asked me to take off my shirt and put a gown on. Right away, I'm confused. I thought I was going to do some stretching. But, it's Sven and so I took my shirt off.

Sven then guided me through some fairly boring stretching exercises. But suddenly, things got a little more interesting. Sven brings out a cane!

Ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly a cane, but it was a stick closely resembling a cane. Or, maybe a broomstick, but for this story, lets call it a cane!

Sven showed me how to stretch the left side with the cane. He showed me the proper way to hold the cane and the proper way to bend, with the cane. Very informative, Sven is!

After we finished with the cane, we moved on to corner time. Yes, you heard right, corner time. Sven had me stand in the corner with my arm stretching up the wall. I had to stand there for a few minutes, stretching my arm up and down the corner. Sven told me I was doing very well.

Corner time was over before I knew it. Time flies when having fun, I tell ya. After corner time, Sven asks me to lay down. Sven turns off the light and tells me he's going to teach me some massage techniques. I have to know how to massage the area if lymphodema should occur.

Sven then massages my arm, my pecs and my side. Then Sven says he must massage the scar area. Hence the reason I had to wear a gown. Sven massages both of the scar areas. (I have a scar from the lymph node and one from the lumpectomy.) Sven says the scar tissue can make the area tight and that is why I'm not able to shampoo my head. So, in case you are wondering, Sven massaged my boob!

Sadly, we ended there for the day. I get to go back to Sven four more times!

See, I bet you all are extremely jealous now!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

*P.S. I don't really do drugs, but if I wanted to I can't. Why is it the minute someone tells you you can't do something, you want to do it?

the odds are....

The docs appointment went well. As well as can be expected when going to an oncologist.

Everything about my cancer is good. Let's just say, if you get breast cancer, you want my kind. So while that all sounds great there are decisions to be made.

My cancer is stage 1. That is a good thing. My tests came back low for recurrence, so again, that's a good thing.

Now here's the dilemma. Right now, with the treatment course I'm going to be on, I have a 90 percent chance of not getting cancer again, or in another part of my body. IF, I decide to do chemo, the percentage goes up to 93 or 94.

Right away you are probably saying, screw the chemo! Which is exactly what I first thought. But, I asked the doc if he was married. (he was cute...but not as cute as Bossman!) Anyway, I asked him if this was his wife's test results, what would he tell her to do.

He said he would tell her to do the chemo. Then he said it's because he knows that chemo is not that bad. Other than losing your hair, the side effects are manageable. So Says He.

BUT, he said if she didn't want to do the chemo, he would be fine with that too.

So.....what's a gal to do? What would YOU do?

Here's the problem with numbers.

90 percent seems like good odds...right? If you had a 90 percent chance of winning the lotto, you'd play. If you had a 90 percent chance of getting in a car accident, you'd walk. See, the odds are good.

But what about the 10 percent?

Let me put it to you this way....

Out of all the population in the world, if you are a woman, you have an 8 percent chance of getting breast cancer. 8 percent.

Guess what.....I got breast cancer. I'm part of the 8 percent.

So....even though I still have a 90 percent chance of never getting cancer again.....

I will always worry about that 10 percent. Because I beat the odds once and I don't like it very well.

So, with that in mind, do I bump up my odds to 93 or 94 percent? Or should I just be happy with the 90 percent and carry on with my life?

Cancer.....there are no good answers!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

butt bra

Tomorrow I meet with the oncologist. So...tomorrow I will know for sure if I need chemo or not!

I'm nervous!

My surgeon said she didn't think I would need it....but it's not a guarantee. So, think good thoughts for me tomorrow around 3:00pm.

I know I promised pics of the new dog and details on the rest of life, but I haven't been in the mood to write and I really hope I'll be able to come here with good news tomorrow.

Until then.....I give you the butt bra!

Crazy...right?

Written while ignoring laundry by::

limbo

So much is going on in my life right now....where should I begin?

I could start out by telling you what's going on with the cancer. That could be a good place to begin...

I could tell you how my daughter got fired from her job and then found another in less than a week. Yep, I could tell you about that.....

I could tell you how Bossman won a trip to Hawaii. Now, that is a good story.....

I could tell you how Bossman took me to Santa Monica for Valentines day and we ate at the same resturant that we ate at with PK, Ceeci and Eva....

I could even tell you about the newest member of our family.....we broke down and got a dog!

Yes, it seems I have a lot of places I could begin.....

I think I'll begin by saying how great you guys are! I've gotten emails and comments from you all and they have been so uplifting. I love getting little notes just telling me that you are thinking of me. How cool is that? Someone is thinking of me! Little ole' me! I'd like to thank you all for stopping by and sending me some love....it's greatly appreciated!

Now, let's just get the cancer stuff out of the way. I've been healing nicely. Wearing a bra 24/7 is NOT fun at all! I was extremely uncomfortable. I'm able to sleep without one now and can I just say it's been heaven! Since the surgery, I've been waiting on a test to determine whether or not I'll need chemo. The test is four thousand dollars, if the insurance doesn't pay. Mine paid! YAY for my insurance. I know that health insurance companies get a bad rap but you know what? I am SOOOOOO grateful to have health insurance and I'm even more grateful that mine has paid for everything so far. I think the only thing I've had to pay was a 20 dollar co-pay. How lucky am I? I can't imagine having to go through this without my insurance.

I've been in limbo since the surgery waiting for this test and TODAY....today I got the results! The test is either low, medium or high. If you get a high, you need chemo because the chances of the cancer coming back or being in other parts of your body is high. If you get a medium, you have to make a choice and it's a tough one. You have to decide if you want to take the chance. You don't have to have the chemo, but it's a risk. If you get low...well, I think you can probably guess, this means you probably don't have to have chemo.

Mine came back....(drum roll please......)



LOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ok, I'm very excited....but....and there is always a butt...right?

My surgeon is the one that called me with the news. She says she thinks I won't need chemo BUT, I still have to see the oncologist. He will crunch the numbers.....yes, I'm serious....it's all numbers, and then tell me what he thinks about the chemo. So, she (my surgeon) doesn't know for sure, but the test is LOW.....so that is a good thing. NO, wait....that's a GREAT thing!

So, today I celebrate the news and stand confident that whatever happens, it's going to be OK!

As for all the other stuff I have to tell you.....that's going to have to wait until later...I've got celebrating to do!

I promise I'll be back soon with details and maybe even a pic or two of our new girl.

Celebrate with me today! Do something nice for yourself!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

So the story goes...

Monday was interesting...to say the least. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. First I went to the mammo place...which is across the street from the hospital. There, they mammoed me and while I was still being squashed, they inserted two wires....one in each tumor. Then they injected me with some radioactive stuff, so they could find my sentinal lymph node...which is the first lymph node.

Then, they plopped me into a wheelchair and hauled me across the street to the hospital. Seriously, across the street, where people were driving in cars and walking and stuff. Good grief! The wire part wasn't really bad, I think the biopsy I had a couple of weeks ago was worse. But going across the street in a wheelchair....I admit...I was laughing at myself!

Once I got across the street, they put in the IV and then we had to wait to get pictures of my lymph nodes, so they could find the one to take out. After they got the pictures, they took me in to surgery. Now, I went pee right before they wheeled me in for surgery....and this is important because....

I remember waking up once. I think they woke me up and then put me under again because I remember waking up and having to pee. I kept saying I have to pee and I think I did pee....but yet I wasn't wet when I finally woke up. Could have been a dream...but I don't think so. When I woke up, I had to pee again. BTW, my pee is the color of windex. And my poo....well lets just say.... Very pretty!

Anyway, I came home after that. They had to take extra tissue, so I have a drain, hopefully it comes out tomorrow. As for the rest, I feel like a truck ran over my boob, but it's really only sore when I move. I know, I know...just don't move! LOL

The doc called today and said that one of the tumors is a little more aggressive than the other. I'll have some more tests run on the tumors to find out how aggressive and if I'll need chemo. But, as soon as I heal I will start the radiation...fun, fun times!

I appreciate all the love and concern. If I didn't, I wouldn't have taken the time to type all this out cuz.....this ain't comfy! But I love you guys and I didn't want you to worry.

I'm not sure when I'll be back. I think I'll feel better when the drain is out but I don't know if I'll get it out tomorrow or Friday. Depends on how much drains tonight.

Oh and by the way......no spidey powers! AND, although my pee looked like smurf pee...I did not turn into smurfette. Bummer!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Did you get the guys number that ran over my boob?

There were some highlights and low lights to today's events. Unfortunately, I'm too tired to write any of them right now.

So, I'll leave you with:

The lymph nodes were clean. They took a little more tissue out than they thought, so I have a drain.

And, my pee is the same color as Windex.

Results on all the tests will be available Wed.

Until then....you'll find me on the couch, not moving my left arm.

Written while ignoring laundry by::

Let's roll...

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired.
Martin Luther


See you on the flip side!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

thoughts in the middle of the night

I'm awake and I figured I should write because my brain won't shut off.

I just want to thank my angel, Ceeci, for creating this beautiful place to write. I can't stop coming by here, just to look at it. It's amazing and I never could have made this work. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I wasn't feeling giddy over my new home in blogger land....I was feeling a little like this:

I feel like I'm on a cliff and I'm about to jump off. I can't see what's at the bottom, but everyone assures me that it's going to be fine and I just need to jump.

See, Monday, life will change for me. I've been living my normal life for almost 3 weeks with cancer. I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. So, life goes on.

Now, I must jump off the cliff.

It must be like having a baby. You find out your pregnant and everyone tells you that life will change, but you really don't have any idea how different life will be until the day the baby is born. Once it's born, your life is changed forever.

Cancer must be like that too. Once I have the surgery, life will change. Even after I heal, life will be changed. I will forever be worried about cancer. I will forever be looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next call.

Truthfully? I don't want to jump off the cliff. I like it here. I can see what's going to happen here. I can turn on the light and the scary things disappear. I can't see what's down at the bottom of the cliff. And even if you tell me it's going to be ok....you don't really know that for certain. Nobody does.

I'd like to go back please. Back to Jan 14, the day before I found out I had cancer.

Back when I didn't have to worry about serious things.

Like cancer.

Written while ignoring laundry by::

My kind of statue!

Please read the previous post if you haven't. I'm really interested in what you would do if faced with a similar situation. Everyone had a different thought on it and each thought gives me something more to think about. I think with a decision like this, I should consider all the possibilities!

Now....lets talk about failblog.org.

I LOVE this site. Every single day there is something new on there that makes me laugh. Really, if you want or need a good laugh, spend some time at this site. Trust me, you won't be sorry.

So, I found this picture over there. Whoever posted it, thinks it's a fail, but personally.....I think it's a WIN!





What do you think?

Written while ignoring laundry by::

genes

Funny. When I wrote the post yesterday, I didn't realize how it sounded. When I said I wanted a spanking cancer blog....in my head I was saying spanking AND cancer blog, not a "I'm going to spank cancer blog."

It turns out, that is exactly what I meant. I am going to spank the cancer. I'm going to spank it right out of my body! The strop, backscratcher and paddle are all things that the cancer deserves....and more.

I have to admit. I'm a little worried about how all this cancer stuff is going to affect me. Since the cancer I have is fed by estrogen, it looks like I'll be taking an anti-estrogen medicine....for at least 5 years. Apparently it blocks the estrogen from attaching to the breast tissue. I'll still have some estrogen. Apparently the side effects include all the menopausal stuff. So, early menopause, here I come. What has me worried is how this will affect my sex life. I KNOW. Sounds stupid when I'm fighting cancer to be worried about my sex life...but lets face it...it IS an important part of my life.

I don't want to lose that part of me. I don't want to lose what is between Bossman and me. I don't want to lose the spanking either. That was why I decided to keep this a spanking, cancer, blog. Because I'm hoping that spanking will still be a part of my life and I hope I spank the cancer too!

Yesterday, I had a blood test. This test is to test my genes. They want to see if I carry the gene that makes breast and ovarian cancer hereditary. Since I'm so young, and I don't know my full family health history (my father was adopted) they just want to see if I carry the gene. My doctor thinks I probably don't have the gene...but for peace of mind, we want to see if I do.

If I do....well, the reoccurance of breast cancer and ovarian cancer skyrocket. Some people opt to have their healthy breasts and ovaries removed when they have this gene. The general population has an 8 percent chance of getting breast cancer, if you have the gene...your chances go up to 87 percent.

I won't find out the results for a couple of weeks. If I have the gene, my sister and my children have a 50 percent chance of also having the gene.

So what do you think? Knowing the odds, would you opt to have a full double mastectomy if you had the gene? If you had an 87 percent chance of getting cancer...what would you do?

Written while ignoring laundry by::

under construction

I feel like my life is under construction. I still have wants and desires... like spanking...but I can't ignore my health issues either.

I wasn't sure if I should make a new blog...keep this blog or have two blogs.

In the end...I've decided this will be a spanking cancer blog.

Now, if I can just figure out how to make a template that reflects both things at once.

I lost my old template.....this one looks like I threw up pepto all over it.

I'm frustrated right now....so ignore me and my construction!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

random bits

People have been sending me lovely cards in the mail. I love getting mail. Although birthday cards are a lot more fun to receive, cards are cards and I am touched that people would take the time to mail me something.

I did get a rather disturbing card. It's from a lovely lady that goes to my church. She's a real sweet-heart, so I know the card came from the right place...but nevertheless, it's disturbing. It's a sympathy card. Complete with words like..."in your time of sorrow" and "with all my sympathy". As I was reading it, a thought crossed my mind. WHO DIED? Thank goodness I have a sense of humor! I know it was given from a place of love and concern, but geez....it just was a little too much! Oh well.

Also, while we are talking about things inappropriate....let's talk about another woman from my church. (Listen, I know I shouldn't gossip...but really, this stuff is priceless! It must be shared!) Anyway, this lady that goes to my church is sort of on the annoying side. She's nice enough, but there have been some incidents that have...well...let's just say, she's really annoying! She called one night and I wasn't home. I thought I dodged the bullet. NOPE. She called back and I didn't know it was her. Now....don't get me wrong. It is very, very nice of her to call and find out how I was doing. I appreciate all the kind thoughts and well wishes. BUT....some people just don't know what to say.

She starts out by asking how I was doing. I tell her I'm fine....just waiting around for surgery. I ask how she is doing. 10 minutes later, I have found out all about her problems...including, arm surgery, knee surgery, her husbands gout and her dogs digestive problems. Then...and this is the part that makes me laugh. She tells me to keep my chin up and that I need to watch funny movies. That's right...funny movies. She tells me it will help me feel better. Also, she said I should tell jokes as then I will be able to make everyone around me feel better.

Um, seriously?

I get that humor makes people feel better. I've heard that. It makes sense that you wouldn't want to be depressed all the time and funny things are good for the soul....but...but...

Oh man. I just want you to know that it took a lot of strength to not LAUGH my ASS off right there on the phone.

You know what....just thinking about that phone call makes me feel SOOOOOOOO much better!

*disclaimer* I know she meant well, they all do. Frankly, both the card and the call made my day! I got a great laugh from both! And really, that's what it's all about~

Written while ignoring laundry by::

this, that and the other

Why is it that suddenly everyone in the world has what I have....or knows someone that does?

It's like when you find out your pregnant...or you're just trying to get pregnant and suddenly the whole world is pregnant!

I found out yesterday that my son's teacher just went through the same thing I going through. She has just recently come back to teaching...my son has a substitute for most of the first quarter of school. Of course, I sort of knew what she was getting treated for...but I never really asked.

I don't know about you, but I remember when I was younger I didn't know a single person with cancer. I never knew someone that had died. I suppose I was lucky, but don't you think that things like this are at an all-time high? It seems like that even though we are coming up with more break-throughs and cures and such, more and more people are getting these things.

As for me....I'm in the hurry-up-and-wait stage. I'll have my surgery on the 8th. I won't know much until two days later when they call me with the results. What I do know is this: It's slow-growing, estrogen fed and it's her2 negative. her2 is the "bad" kind. If there is such a thing as a good kind.

Until then, I live my life. My son is away this week at camp and I feel a little lost without him. I thought it would be fun, just me and Bossman, with the wildchild floating in and out...but I miss my son. There are so many things we do together. We do homework, watch our shows, fight over chores, Reminders to take a shower and brush teeth, snacks, video games, more reminders to take a shower and brush teeth. (why do little boys hate to brush their teeth and take showers?) I take him to basketball practice and we read books. And at bedtime....we say prayers. If the wildchild is here, we all say prayers. It's the one time of the day when I know my family is here and safe. So until Friday, I have to say my nightly prayer without him...and it's not the same.

Of course, I know this will all end soon. He'll turn into a teen and hate family prayer time. He'll hate hanging with the family. So, I'll have to get used to it.

But I don't have to like it.

Speaking of not liking something....can I ask a question?

I've got the President speaking in the background as I type this. Why oh why do they have to applaud every single thing he says? This speech would be so much shorter if they would just stop all that clapping.

I guess there isn't an answer to that question.

Next subject....3D movies.

Bossman and I went and saw the movie Avatar. Wow! It was a great movie, but I have a small problem. It made me sick. All that 3D motion made my stomach turn. I'm not usually one to get motion sickness. I can do roller coasters, I can read in the moving car and I can even go on boats in choppy water....but 3D movie with lots of action....Oh boy. I had to close my eyes a couple of times.

I also realized what a terrible homebody I am. Seriously, I'm not a big movie theater fan. I enjoy watching movies at home. I like being able to put a movie on pause if I have to go to the bathroom. I enjoy rewinding a movie if I missed what they said and I really enjoy laying on my sofa with my very soft blue blanket that Bossman got me for Christmas. Plus, I don't worry about having to be quiet.

It's no wonder I never go to the movies....I only went to ONE movie in 09, yet this week, I went to 2 movies.

Chances are....I won't go again this year!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

the plan

Thunder and lightning rocked the house around 5am. Seems ironic since that's how I've been feeling for the last couple of days.

My son came to bed with us. Even at age 11, he's still afraid of the thunder and needs his mom. It was nice laying between my two favorite men.

By 8am I was at the docs office. Seems the tumors aren't so bad. They are slow growing, fueled by estrogen. The bigger one is less than 2 centimeters. They are in the same quadrant of the breast, so the doc feels she can take them both out with a lumpectomy.

Apparently, the lumpectomy comes with some hardware. The morning of the surgery, I go the place where I got the biopsy. With ultrasound, they insert 2 wires. One for each tumor. THEN, they inject some radioactive dye into my lymph nodes. I asked if I would get some Spidey powers and they were pretty sure that I would! I always wanted to shoot people with my web!

Actually, the procedure is called....sentinel-node biopsy. It's blue dye and they say I will actually become smurf-like for 24hrs. So, I'll be Smurfette! The dye will go into my lymph nodes. Once the wires and dye are in me...they will take me across the street to the hospital where the doctor will be waiting. The doc will have a scanner that will show which node is most radioactive and she will remove it. She will send the node to the lab, while doing the lumpectomy, the lab will determine if the all the lymph-nodes need to be removed. If not...good for me and I'll be done. If so, she will remove them at that time.

After all that is done, I will go home. It's out-patient surgery. They claim there isn't much pain associated with this procedure and some patients even go out to dinner that night....however....I plan on milking it for everything it's worth. Surely I can at least get out of doing the laundry!

Anyway, 3 or 4 weeks after surgery, I'll start radiation. I will have to go 5 days a week, for 7 weeks. Apparently, it's a lot like getting an chest x-ray. Not much side effects. Mostly fatigue. Surely, I can milk that too!

At this point, the doc doesn't think I'll need chemo. Thank God for that! Of course the lumpectomy will tell the full tale and so we will see. If I do have chemo, they have guaranteed that I will lose my hair! Yippeeeee! Bald is beautiful!

As horrible as it all sounds, it doesn't sound tooooo bad! Things could be a whole lot worse. For now I'll just have to take it one step at a time.

So that was my day.....how was yours?

life goes on

It's weird how life goes on. In your mind, the world is falling apart. You walk around wal-mart, marveling at how everyone just seems to go about their day. They don't know what you know. You wonder if you should construct a big letter C and pin it to your chest. You ponder others that are walking around, wondering if they too, need a big letter C.

I've appreciated every single comment and email and text and thought that has come my way. They have all been a great comfort and some have made me teary. I wish I could give each of you a hug. I guess the internet hug will have to do.

I have to admit though, I received the best email ever today. The subject line? FUCK!

I LOVE THAT! THAT my friends is EXACTLY how I feel! Before I even opened the email I knew I was going to love it! I mean really, how often do you get an email from someone that starts with that? I hope never. Really, it's never good if it starts with that!

But, this one was good and you know why? Because it tells it like it is.

The email goes on to say how sucky this is. And you know what....it is very sucky! So sucky that the email says it SUCKS MOLDY DONKEY BALLS!

That, my friends is my new favorite saying. I'll probably use it often and frequently! Because it does. It's horrible and it's crappy and it sucks moldy donkey balls!

Finally someone was not afraid to tell my how pissed off they were that this happened because you know what....I'm pissed off too!

I'm learning many things already and my journey has just begun. I've learned that I have such an incredible support system, here in the flesh and here on the net. I come here to the net when I have nowhere left to turn and I find friendship and comfort. I've found that writing it all down is helping to sort it out.

My husband is my rock. He's already shown me such strength. I turn around and he's already there, ready to hold me and comfort me. I've cried a bucket load of tears and he's ready and waiting with the hugs and the tissues. He's looked deep into my eyes and promised me that it's going to be ok. I'm holding him to those promises!

I keep wishing that I could save time in a bottle. I don't want Wednesday to come, but I want to get it over with also. I need a plan, but I don't want to know the plan. I really would like to run away. Far away from this super scary, super sucky situation.

But I can't run. I can't hide. I'm going to have to fight it head on. And...

I'm going to win because...

This SUCKS MOLDY DONKEY BALLS!

3:00 am

I always thought 3am was just a blip on the clock that showed up right around the time I have to pee. Usually I just shuffle myself into the bathroom and shuffle myself back to bed while half way sleeping.

Weird that I'm up right now.

I slept a little. Finally I snuck out of bed. I had to sneak because it seemed that every time I moved Bossman would reach out to hold me. Not a bad thing, but really, the man needs his sleep.

So, what should we talk about? The weather? Ok.

Since I'm over here on the west coast, the weather has been pleasant. BUT, they say starting Sunday we will have massive rains until Friday. I mean, they are telling us to start building the ark. I don't mean to be negative, but since our weather is so boring around here, I find this really hard to believe. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Well, what else is going on in my life?

Oh, my sister got rear-ended by a drunk driver yesterday. (or is that today? What day am I on anyway?) Of course this happened about an hour after I told her the bad news. Oh, wait. He wasn't drunk. He was high on prescription drugs. REAL high. So high that when he hit her and they pulled over, he forgot to put the car in park and so the car hit her again. AND then when he got out of the car, the car rolled and hit her a third time. Everyone is fine....thank goodness! And the guy is safely behind bars...for the time being.

What else is new you ask?

Oh, I have cancer.

Wow. Did I just type that? I have to stare at that for a few minutes. Here, talk amongst yourselves. Topic: Pat Robertson and Haiti.

All pissed off now? Me too! Lets get back to cancer.

Wow, I just typed it again. AND, I just realized I may have to make this blog private. Either that, or I'm going to have to find some other way to refer to my "illness". You know...google and all that....Oh good, something else for me to worry about! (don't worry, I'll give any and all the password if I go private. I seriously can't go this alone. I need you all!)

Lets back track, shall we?

Yesterday, I typed out my experience with the biopsy. If you missed that post, go down a couple...it's right there. I just finished it and pressed publish so all you fine people could read about how much fun I had. I proof read the post....I always proof it after I publish...for some reason I catch all the mistakes there. Then I clicked to my new favorite website failblog.org. Oh how I love that site. I stop by there two or three times a day. I can't seem to get enough of it. Anyway.....

My cell rings. My doc never calls on my cell, so I didn't think anything of it.

It's the doc. "Did you get the results yet?" "UH, no" " Well, It is the big "C"." (ok, SHE didn't say big "C" but I really shouldn't be saying the C word over and over in this blog. Not only is it hard to type and read, but the good people searching google will end up finding me and since my mother will probably be googling it I might want to think about that...anyway...I'm don't think I'll stick with the big "C"... I'm just trying to find something that works. Any suggestions?)

So, I hear the word and my mind just started buzzing. She's still talking..."blah, blah, blah" and I don't hear a word. I try to listen. I hear something about 2 appointments and oncology doctor...but nothing else really computed at that point.

I hang up the phone and I'm not sure what to do next. I feel myself about to fall apart into a million pieces. The wildchild is the only one home and she hadn't yet emerged from her cave. I grab my phone...no, wait, I think I was already holding my phone, and I start walking toward my bedroom. Just as I'm about to pass the wildchilds door, she opens it. I immediatly fall apart. I tell her I have...well, you know.

She hugs me and I cry. Then I realize, I should NOT be doing this to the wildchild. I straighten up and mumble something about calling Bossman. "Don't worry mom, it will be fine."

I go into the bedroom and try and call Bossman. It's one of those times where you really don't want to hear voicemail. Guess what...cell phone voice mail...work voicemail. I call my mom...voice mail. What the heck people? Answer your phone already.

A second attempt at Bossman and he answers. I blurt out...you know...he's quiet for a second and then says he's coming straight now. I'm crying now....so I just say "OK" and hang up. Then my mom calls back. She immmediatly says, "So, what did the doc say?" I choke out the word again. All I hear is "Oh god.....oh-my-GOD!" Then she says...I'm coming over.

I then had a few minutes and didn't know what to do with myself. I walked all the way around the house 2 times and then sat at the computer and wrote the last post. Then I got my phone and texted the twins. Then...I couldn't stop. I had to do something and since the only thing I could do was call people...that's what I did.

Bossman walks in the door and I run to him and start sobbing. He held me tight and I sobbed. Then I sat down on a stool...he kneeled in front of me and he prayed. HARD! More happened in that moment, but it's something he and I shared together.....

After that I kept walking around the house in a daze and he went and made some phone calls. I thought they were work related, but he called our Pastor and he and his wife came right over. By the time they got here, my mom arrived and we all cried and read the Bible and prayed. Although still in a daze, it was comforting.

The whole time my mind kept screaming...."Why ME!" I kept thinking I can't do this...I'm not brave. I'm not like D. How will I look bald? I'm a big baby, I'm not going to be able to do this.....

But, guess what? I have to. I have no choice! I go on Wednesday at 8am to talk to a surgeon. Me! Talking to a surgeon. I'll find out all about my little tumor and what my options are. I guess this means I'll have to have surgery. My mind can't think of that right now. Surgery? *shudder*

All I can think about is the worst. And what about my kids.

When the little man came home from school, I told him. By the time he got home, I was a little more composed. The Pastor had left and so just my mom was here. I dont' remember what I said, but I remember telling him it was going to be ok. He seemed to take it ok....but he's such a sensitive little boy...I don't know how this will affect him yet. It's so sad. No child should have to deal with a parent being sick. Am I sick? I don't feel sick yet.

Well, I don't know what else to say. My mind won't shut off, but if I don't go back to bed, Bossman will be out here looking for me soon and I really should get some sleep.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement! They mean more to me than you will ever ever know.

I guess I'll say goodnight now.....or is it good morning?

5 minutes later....

it's cancer

fun times

I'm led to the small room to change my top. "Gown open in front please."

I'm led to the same room I went to on Monday for the ultrasound. Bossman is already there waiting.

"Let me just explain the procedure again." "blah, blah, blah," "Do you have any questions?"

I pull my left arm out of the gown and lay down on the gurney. The doctor comes in. After cleaning everything and sterilizing everything, it's time to get started.

First comes the local anesthesia. Not much pain, just stinging. Now it's time to find the lump.

The nurse holds the ultrasound probe thingy and the doctor attempts to put the needle through my boob. Since I'm young and my girls are dense, it takes some doing to the get needle in. There's a lot of jerking and wiggling, and WOW, does that sentence sound dirty...LOL It wasn't at all sexy...

Did you know that a needle just won't slip through your breast tissue? Dense stuff.

After finding the spot they want to sample, there is a loud click. And it actually jerks you a little. But luckily, not much pain. After two more goes at that, they put in a little marker.

The marker is shaped like the breast cancer ribbons. It's titanium and when I saw the mammogram there it was....little tiny ribbon in my boob. Actually, two.

After they did the first spot, they go after the second. The second is a little trickier. It's close to my ribs and since they don't want to puncture anything other than the lump....they have to be careful.

The finally get it. I manage to hear the words...that could be a cyst. Since after the first go at it, it was harder to find.

I was happy to hear that.

After we were done, I got another mammo and got to see my little ribbons. They will stay there, so in the future, if it turns out to be nothing, they will know they tested it already. If it turns out to be something, the surgeon will know where the spot is. And if I go through security, they will have to check my boobs. (ok, just joking about the last one...LOL)

One hour later, I was done and on my way home. I spent the rest of the day on the couch with an icepack, just to make sure there was no bleeding and today, I'm fine.

Well, I'm as fine as I can be as I wait for the results.

I'm sure it will be fine.

I'm sure it's nothing.

Hurry up phone....ring already!

hanging in there...

Tomorrows the big day.

I'm actually not to worried about the procedure. They say it's just some local numbing and then a poke. Not even going to need stitches!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about the results. I'm scared to death! It's amazing how many horrible things you can think of. I'm amazed at how morbid I've become.

I'm also amazed at how life goes on.

Bossman threatened to spank me if I didn't get some stuff done around the house yesterday. He was pleased with the results and no spanking was had. (Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm still trying to decide.)

My son's class is going to outdoor school at the end of the month. He'll be gone for 4 days. We had to go to a meeting about it yesterday. Um...4 days? What will Bossman and I do to occupy our time?

My daughter is thinking of going to college to get medical assisant training. I went to a meeting with her yesterday. I forgot how expensive school is. But I'm happy she's finally thinking about her future.

So, life goes on. And then I read some comments from my latest post. And one thing that helped was this:

Grace there are a million benign things it could be. So the odds are in your favor and so are a whole bunch of prayers!

Thank you Theresa! The odds are in my favor! I sooooooooo needed to hear that. Nobody said that. I knew that...but I didn't think of that. I was only thinking of the worst thing possible.

Plus, how can I go wrong with all of you sending up prayers and good thoughts?

So, from now until the results, I am going to remember that the odds are in my favor and my friends are praying.

And really, that's all there is to think about....

two

Thank you all for your wonderful, supportful comments. It's nice to know there are people out there that care. Most of you don't really know me personally, but you care and that makes me feel nice.

I went for the mammo and ultrasound today. Instead of one little lump...they found two. The second one wasn't visible on the mammo, but they caught it on the ultrasound.

I was only joking on the last post when I titled it "one lump or two". Guess I shouldn't joke around so much.

On Thursday I go in for a biopsy.

It's a fun little procedure where they look on the ultrasound and as they find the spots they insert a needle to get some samples. Sounds like a party to me!

I won't find out the results of the biopsy until Friday or Monday.

And I thought THIS Monday was a long time to wait....

Seriously....

I might just go out of my mind.

one lump or two?

I had a whole post just waiting to be finished. In it, I tell the tale of what a wonderful Christmas we had. I also include some rather annoying moments that we had with the mus*lim.

Yes, this Christmas had it all. Presents, family, and even a mus*lim. Bossman and I were accused of being liars and my daughters aunt called her and asked her to go drinking with her....yes, my 19 year old daughter. No, thank goodness she didn't go. Anyway... All in all, a very nice time.

I wanted to finish it and get it posted today. But, I can't. My mind is on something else.

My mind is on my boob. I found a lump. It's right where a woman just doesn't really want to find lumps.

One of the girls has a lump.

I was hoping it was in my imagination and I really didn't feel it. I was hoping, by the time I got to the doc, it would be gone.

Nope.

Still there.

Monday I'll go for a mammo and ultrasound.

Monday....it's a long time from now.

But I can't do anything now.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

I've done all the right things. I breastfed my son for over a year...

I have no family history.

So, it's a cyst. Right?

Please....just tell me it's a cyst....

And if your my friend on Facebook...please don't mention it there....I haven't told my family yet (besides Bossman) we'll just wait until they tell me it's a cyst...then we can tell the family...

hardness

The hardness kit is for the water!!! Good job Meow and PK! Believe it or not...Bossman is the one that suggested I post that!

Everything is going great here! We are having a great time with D. Yesterday we went to the beach and had a great time. For all of you who are in the middle of a winter storm...sorry....we had 75 degree weather here! It was PERFECT! We ate fish and chips and then we pretended to be Bay Watch babes and ran slow motion across the beach. NO, we didn't have on our bikinis! We didn't want to risk indecent exposure. Besides, we had children with us! Last night some kids from our church came by and sang Christmas carols. Perfect end to the perfect day.

Today D is spending time with a friend of hers and then tomorrow we are having a big Christmas dinner. Turkey and all the trimmings and then we will open some presents. D is heading home on Wed. that's why we are doing it tomorrow.

If I don't come back to post I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas! We are all so grateful to be alive and healthy that nothing else really matters.

My wish for all of you is a healthy, happy Christmas. I hope you all get to spend time with your loved ones and I hope Santa brings you everything you want. And don't worry, if you make the naughty list....I hear you get a spanking....so either way is a win-win!

HUGS!
grace

Funny stuff

I LOVE getting Christmas cards! I hang them on the wall and I love seeing just how full the wall is going to get. I try and save the cards. Each year, when I unpack the Christmas decorations, I always go through the old cards. Some of the people that have sent me the cards have passed on. Others have pictures and oh how the kids have grown!!!!!

Today, when I checked the mail, I recieved a card from far away. Far, far away...almost another planet. Well, the other side of the country SEEMS like another planet! They even have a weird dialect.

Although the dialect may be off, I always manage to understand what this person is trying to say. AND, her card says it perfectly! Want to see it?

We all know the answer to that question! YES! YES! YES!

The insides says: " Cause I'd consider it!"

This is BY FAR, my favorite card! Thank you dear friend!!!!!

Also, today I had someone come over. They came over to check something for me. Here....let me show you what they wanted to check.



I'm sure you all know what that person was here for....but before I tell ya....why don't you try and figure it out. I know you all LOVE a good quiz. Just leave me a comment with your guess.

Oh and tomorrow....D is coming! I'll be busy...but I'll pop by and let you know what the answer is......

maybe.....

Happy Birthday PK!

But be careful because if you're too naughty, you might end up like this:

And we all know that the only thing that will fix that is this:

Have a great one!

Love you!

grace

Lights, cookies, rain and the line of fire

The boys are stringing the lights up outside the house. I just made a batch of chocolate chip cookies and it looks like it's going to rain! For CA, it doesn't get any Christmasyier....(is that a word?)

Only person missing is the wildchild and she's at work. Bummer for her. But she'll be home tonight and we will go out and get the tree and decorate it together!

Remember the picture I showed of my bedroom? Well, scroll down...it's right there silly!

Anyway, last night saw Bossman sitting in that exact corner of the bed. It also showed me, over his knee with my pants down to about my knees. Close to the edge of the bed was the ever dreaded back scratcher...or BS, as I like to call it, and the wooden spoon. Um, yeah. It was like that!

I'm not sure what took over Bossman, but heaven help my butt...IT HURT! It was a long spanking, one of the longest he's given and today, I have BUTT ITCH. We've had this discussion before....tell me I'm not the only one that gets butt itch the day after a particularly hard spanking???

Today, he's been nothing but dominate. He smacked my butt HARD with the hair brush this morning while getting ready for church because I said something he didn't like and THEN, this afternoon when he told me the cat box needed cleaning and I told him he should do it himself, he led me to the walk-in-closet in our bedroom, pulled down my pants and used the BS 3 times hard, on my back side. OUCH!

Let me just say, he was in the middle of doing the lights and I wasn't doing much of anything....so the request wasn't mean or anything like that....I just don't like being told what to do....LOL Great submissive..huh?

Let's just discuss the BS for a minute, k?

I've never had a cane used on me so I don't have a reference, but I'm thinking that the BS is a lot like getting a cane. If he uses the handle part, it smacks across my tush and leaves a line of fire. What do you think???

Anyhow, that's my weekend so far. How's yours going?

before and after

Thank you all for your support regarding D. She didn't have to be admitted to the hospital yesterday, they got her fever down and are pumping her full of antibiotics. Hopefully this will keep her out of the hospital until next week when she goes back to Houston.

On lighter news, I thought I'd post some pics of my sanctuary bedroom. You'll remember that I mentioned we just painted it.

Let's look at some before and after photos...shall we?


This is my bedroom the day we got into the house. Notice the beautiful peach walls and ceiling and the wonderful vertical blinds.

This is after we moved in. Someone fell on my dresser drawers, so that is why everything is piled high upon the dresser. I don't know if you remember me mentioning the clock that can be viewed from the moon....but there it is on my jewelery box...shining brighter than ever.

Here's the almost finished room. We took down the hideous blinds and got the curtains. Painted the walls blue and the ceiling white. We have some moulding we are going put up and we haven't painted the trim yet. But....isn't it purrrrrrrrttttttyyyyyyyy???
If you can't tell, we made it into a beachy theme. The pic above the bed has sea shells in it. There is an ocean pic next to that and then another pic like the one you see, on the other side.

In case you were wondering, we got Bossman a nightlight and gave the beacon of light to the little man.

Also, for those interested.... you are viewing Bossmans side of the bed. You will also note that this is where I receive most of my spankings.....right there at the foot of the bed.

Yep.....right there.

Yes, there is more that goes on in that bed. But, I'll have to leave that to your imaginations!

Enjoy!