Death

So, I thought I'd give this blogging thing a try again.

I'm just going to jump in with both feet.

My father died this weekend.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you might remember my father left us (my sis and I) when we were small children.  My sister contacted him when I was 22 and pregnant with the wildchild. She gave him my number, without warning me ahead of time.  Surprise, instant father!

If only it were that easy!  Instead, it was awkward and weird.  He would send weird birthday cards that said things about watching me grow up and stuff like that.  Kinda creepy.  He came to visit when the wildchild was 6 weeks old.  Again...it was awkward!

It was always easy to put him out of mind because he lived in the midwest, so I didn't ever have to see him.  Then, a couple of years ago he moved 8 hours away.  Still far enough to put out of my mind.  He continued to send cards and call once in awhile.  That was fine with me.  Couple of months ago, his wife decided to leave him.  He was very sick and on dialysis and she didn't want to take care of him. My sister decides to move him to our area.  I never went to see him.

Couple of things you should know....

My sister never asked for help.  She never consulted me, nor did she include me.  She didn't even ask if I wanted to see him.  Fine, fine and fine.  It's all fine.  I chose not to be involved.  If I wanted to be involved I could have asked.

Now he's gone.

I wondered how I would feel and it turns out, I feel ok.  I'm not upset that I didn't go see him, I don't feel any regret.  I didn't know him and he didn't know me.

My sister, on the other hand, is annoying me.  First off, she texted me the news that he died.  Seriously, when did the world become so self absorbed that we don't have the common courtesy to call people when someone dies?

Second, when she texted me, she said, and I am quoting...."my dad died last night."

HER dad died.  Regardless of everything, the man was MY dad too!

Third, I'm grateful I didn't find out over facebook, but it was posted there soon after I found out.  Like moments after I found out.  She is now posting all these morose poems about seeing his face in the stars and blah blah blah!

People, I may sound crass, but let me tell you, the man was not that great.  He left my mom with 2 children under the age of 5 to take care of with no job.  He was a alcoholic and he did time in jail.  He also has a son, somewhere out there, that we never even knew about.

Now that he's dead, he's become a saint or something.

Of course, I'm not completely hard hearted.  I realize my sister has suffered a loss.  I feel bad for her.

She did what she had to do for him.  I didn't feel the obligation seeing as how he didn't take care of us. You know...you reap what you sow....or whatever.

So, do you think I'm hard hearted? Did I have an obligation to him? I hope not, because I don't like being mean and a very small part feels like I was mean.

It's not that I didn't forgive him, it's just that to me, he was merely the sperm donor.
Is that wrong?

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LOL Day

Welcome to LOL day!  I should be welcoming myself since I've become quite the lurker these days.

Yes, I still lurk around reading all your posts.  Although its easy to lurk and not leave a comment, as a writer it is very exciting to get comments.  So if you can, leave a comment.

Of course, I should be talking to myself and taking my own advise.

I'm thinking I deserve a spanking for not being a good commenter.  Also, now that I think about it, I deserve a spanking for not blogging!

Since I haven't been writing, I will not be surprised if there are no comments.  BUT....if you are still reading and lurking...HELLO!

I do feel the itch to blog again.

Maybe I will.

Did I mention the wildchild turned 22 yesterday?  She was only 13 when I started this blog.

Just thought you should know.

Anyway, have a nice LOL day! It may mean love our lurkers, but I hope you laugh out loud today too!


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Your lazy blogger and commenter friend,
grace

Thanks Bonnie!

Bonnie,

I will never forget the day you highlighted my blog. I was giddy with excitment. I couldn't believe that someone, YOU, noticed little ole' me!

Thank you for all you do regarding the spanking community. It wouldn't be the same without you!

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girl pens

I'm not sure why the world has to have everything gender specific. 

I'm not sure why, but I do know this...

The world has gone too far!

Check this out...

Do you see the big "for Her" on the label?

That's right people!  These pens are for the ladies!

Seriously?

Because of this, I now have to go out and buy girl pens.  And heaven help me when I'm on the phone and can't find a "girl" pen and have to use a boy pen.  I may not be able to read my own writing if that happens.  It will probably look all mannish. 

A friend, has suggested that if I don't use these pens, if I use the mannish, manly, man pens, I will probably start peeing standing up.

Does this mean if a man uses the lady pens, he'll likely start peeing sitting down?

The world has gone nuts!

I've heard there's a Dr. Pepper soda out there that is suppose to be for men.  What happens if I drink it?  Will I grow a penis?

This has all gotten to be too much!!!!

But if you really want a good laugh, go to amazon and look up these pens.  Then read the reviews!  Trust me, I am not the only one that is asking these questions!

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good news

Rather than leave a downer post up, I thought I'd share some good news that is happening around here.

Bossman just aquired a big client!!!  On the same day, and not related, they decided to give him a office.  It's a nice office with 2 windows. 

This may not seem like such a big deal but it's HUGE!  He's been working for the same company for 10 years.  He's been in a cubicle for all this time.  It's a small little space that barely holds a desk.  Everyone in the entire office can hear him when he's making call and talking to clients.  He will now be able to go into his office and, get this, shut the door!!!!

The new client is also exciting!  It means we can pay for our sons school!!!  We won't have to eat top ramen and potatoes.

Bossman mentioned today that he couldn't wait until the wild child is gone so he can pull me over his knee and give me some smacks!  So, all is not lost in the spanking world!

Things aren't so bad around here after all.  See what a difference a day makes. 

Of course, it could all go to hell tomorrow.  That, my friends, is life!

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the next step is??

I've survived the first week of my son being gone.  It's been a long week and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself now that he is gone.  My oldest is leaving on Saturday.  Yep, she's leaving too.  For a while there I didn't think I'd ever get an empty nest and now they are both going to be gone so quickly.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to leave the boy.  Seriously, I physically felt ill!  Obviously I got over it, but I just wasn't prepared.

Unfortunately, he doesn't get very good phone signal up at the school.  He can still call, but we can't skype.  But he's already gone to town twice and skyped me so I got to see his very cute face.  At first he was texting a lot during the day, but now, a week in, he's barely texting.  He's already getting used to life without me. ~sad~

In spanking news...

Ok, so here's the story.  Bossman and I were home alone one evening and he decided he wanted to spank me.  He tried to get me up from the sofa but I didn't want to.

He said he was going in the bedroom and I should meet him there.  Again...I didn't want too.

I finally went to the bedroom door and said I didn't want a spanking.  I wasn't prepared.  He just kept asking me to come to him.  I didn't.

Finally, he gave up.  He said he wasn't going to fight with me.

What am I?  Stupid?

I don't know what I was thinking.  I don't understand why I did that.  I kept thinking I was being stupid, but I just didn't want to give in.  So, I didn't.

We didn't have a fight about it, but things were tense for awhile.  I said I was sorry and he said that it was fine, but he wasn't going to force me.  He said we'd try again sometime.

And that was that.

So I sit here pondering my actions.  I wonder why I did that.  I still enjoy spanking stories and videos, so it's not like I'm not into it anymore.  I just can't figure it out.

I can't really figure out much lately.  I am confused about this life of mine.  I'm not sure what the next step in my life is.  I feel like I don't have much to offer.  I thought maybe it was time to get a job, but I am sick a lot and I feel like I would have to call in sick a lot.  I wander around the house aimlessly.  I do the basics and then I'm tired.  Oh so tired.

I know what you're thinking.  This girl is depressed.  Yes, it could be.  I'm not sure about that.  I told the doctor about some of my anxiety and stuff and he wanted to prescribe something but you know what.....GAH!  I don't want to take another pill.  I already take 5 different pills.  I don't need another.  Plus, I'm the type that is going to get the side effects and the side effect of some of those medications scare the bejesus out of me.

Most days I feel ok, I just feel like I need to do something with myself.  Figuring it out is the problem.

I hope I can get back on track.  Maybe baby steps, like walking around the block would help.

Maybe a spanking would help. 

Maybe....

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and so it begins...

The last couple of weeks have been hard.  A good hard, but hard.

The time finally came to send our son off to school.  The school is 3 hours away.  I know, it seems crazy, there aren't many that would send their freshman off to school, unless it's military school. 

This school is great.  It's going to be such a great experience for him.  We just have to get through the first couple of weeks because right now, I can't help but wonder what the heck I was thinking.

The minute we left him, as we were pulling away the tears started. I didn't think it would be that hard, but it's not like I was taking him to college.  I should have had 4 more years to get used to the idea.

I know we made the right decision.  I just wish it wasn't so hard.

My daughter is finally deciding to move out.  For her, I'm excited.  She's 21, it's time she left the nest and started her own life.  But going from a full house to an empty house is going to be hard.  Much harder than I thought.

So, does this mean spankings are on the horizon? 

Only time will tell.

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facebook part 2

What I really want to know is....when did it become acceptable to talk about people on facebook or to text that person with a problem instead of actually calling and talking to the person?

My sister-in-law is nuts.  She's a drug addict and she drinks alot.  She is over 30 and lives on peoples sofas.  She hasn't had a job in 3 years and she's tried to kill herself 3 times in 3 years.  Yes, the girl has issues!

We have tried to help many times.  She's the kind of person that you can never do enough for.  We've learned long ago not to give her cash.  We have put gas in her car, we have bought food and things for her at the store and Bossman has helped her with her car numerous times.  That's only the tip of the iceberg.  We've done so much for her it's unbelievable.

I'm only telling you this, so you will know who I'm talking about. 

On Fathers day, we went to visit with this sister.  It was at the in laws house, which we hadn't talked to any of them for over 6 months.  We had a lovely visit, the only downside was when we asked SIL about her health and she related that she's been having headaches.  When Bossman questioned her on her medication, she said that because of her financial situation, she had to sell her pills.  Um....yep, she sells her pills for cash.  Isn't that illegal?  Why would you tell someone that?  Also, why would you say that in front of your 14 year old nephew?  Needless to say, we are so proud!

Anyway....the facebook incident.   My FIL came to our house to pick something up and we got into a discussion about something that happened a long time ago in Vegas, that involved the SIL. 

A few days later....SIL posts on facebook.....

"Certain members of my family are talking to my father and trying to sully my already sullied reputation.  You know who you are.  If you really wanted to sully my reputation, you should just call me...I can give you all kinds of things to talk about."

It went on from there.

I should point out a few key things here.  One, neither Bossman or I are friends with her on facebook.  Two.  My kids are friends with her on facebook.

Now, you should know....I'm one of those really noisy parents that likes to get involved in my kids business.  I'm sorry, if you are under 18 and live under my roof I have the right to snoop on your facebook and your phone.  So, I was snooping on my sons facebook when I saw the post.  (Why yes, I do have his password!)

I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Furthermore, I couldn't believe that people that I don't even know commented on it.  It wasn't very nice either!

The bottom line is...I talked to my FIL.  There was nothing mean about it and it was NOTHING that my FIL didn't already know.  The incident in question happened 4 years ago and it's not even important.  Why my FIL felt the need to share with my SIL is beyond me.  He's not that kind of guy.  He's always been the guy that doesn't give his opinion and keeps his mouth shut.  Not that there was anything to keep his mouth shut from...but still.

Well, this story is long...isn't it? 

Long story short.  Bossman got pissed, called his family, heard his mom in the background calling me lovely lovely names.....and then got even more pissed.

Apparently I'm an effing bitch.  That coming from a strict muslims mouth.

Needless to say, things didn't end well.  One of the comments left on the original post was from Bossmans uncle who we don't even talk to.  He said some horrible, horrible things about Bossman and how wonderful the SIL is.  He called us hypocrites, said Bossman was pompous and on and on and on....

They are all blocked from our facebooks now.  Including my sons.
So back to my original question...

When did it become ok to air your dirty laundry on facebook?

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facebook and my father

Thanks for all the comments on the last couple of posts.  I did read them all, and they made me smile, I'm just to lazy too comment on each of them.  Sorry!

Lets talk about social media for a few minutes.  Unless you live under a rock, I'm sure you are familiar with facebook.

I love facebook.  I love playing the games on facebook (Yes A~, I even loved farmville for a while there...).  I love seeing what others are up to in their lives, including family that I otherwise wouldn't even know.

What I don't like about facebook is how personal people get.  I hate people that put up posts to make us feel sorry for them, or to get them attention.  My sister....she loves putting personal stuff on facebook.

I am not that way.  I like posting funny things, uplifting things, or nothing.  I like facebook to be cheerful, not sad.  Listen, I don't mind if someone announces a death, or if they need prayers for illness or things like that....but honestly, I only need you to post it once, not over and over again just to get attention.

This brings me to my sister.  Or should I say my father....

For those of you that don't know, let me quickly explain about my dad.  He abandoned my mother with 2 small children.  I was 5, at the time.  He didn't pay child support or contact us.  When I was preggers with my daughter (21 years ago) my sister found him...without telling me.  Gave him my number and he called out of the blue.  He visited once, when my daughter was 4 weeks old.  Since then, there have been some phone calls and cards, but that is it.  I send him a christmas card and maybe call once or twice a year.  SOOOOO....

My sister, on the other hand, visited him a few times.  I suppose she has had more contact with him.  Now, he's on dialysis and not doing well.  He lives in Arizona.  He needs to be in a convalescent home.  His wife has left him.  My sister has somehow gotten herself involved in this mess. This is where facebook comes in.

See, nobody bothered to call me and tell me what his health status is.  I found it out on facebook.  My sister would post things like....Please pray, my father is thinking of quitting all his treatment and will probably die soon......

And this....this is how I find things out.

For a while there, I would joke....not that it's funny...but I would joke that I needed to check facebook to see if my father died.  Kinda sad.

So, now my sister is having him moved to a town near us.  Apparently the wife has gone crazy and my sister has taken over his power of attorney.

I don't know how I feel about all this. 

Part of me doesn't care.  I know, that doesn't sound very nice, but honestly, I don't know the man, he was merely a sperm donor.

Part of me is pissed at my sister for getting involved and for moving him here. 

I am being so selfish.  I should care.  But I feel like he didn't do anything for us...why should we be helping him now.  Not that I'm helping.....I am not doing a thing to help.  My sister hasn't asked for any help, I think she knows I wouldn't help.  Does this make me a bad person?

Also, part of me thinks my sister is just doing all this for the attention.  Clearly all the facebook posts are a big cry for attention.  I have thought of blocking her just so I don't have to see her posts, but I do like finding out what's going on with my nephew.  Plus, how will I find out if he dies?  I'm pretty sure she would post it on facebook before she calls me.

Furthermore, what happens when he's in a nearby town?  I haven't actually seen the man since I was 23.  Last time I talked to him was in May.  Are they....my sister and him...going to expect me to go and visit him?  At this moment, I just don't think I'm going to do it.  BUT, will I regret it later?

There is just so much turmoil going around in my mind.  I don't know what to think.  He's being moved here next week.  I found that out on facebook too.

I haven't even told you about my sister-in-law posting something on facebook about me that wasn't even true.  I guess I'll save that for another post.






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God has a sense of humor.....

Thank you God for the round earth!

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Things that make me crazy....

Getting spanked with the backscratcher.

Having my sister-in-law say hateful things about me on facebook.

Having my husband lose his temper and cuss his parents and sister out.

Having my son go away for a week at summer camp and having my period the entire week.

Having my long lost father, who is dying, suddenly being moved to my state by my sister.

Taking tamoxefen for not getting cancer but having it wreak havoc on my hormones.

Not getting spanked enough.

Having PK say she's good at cleaning and cooking.  (HA, who am I kidding, that just makes me laugh!!!)

Wanting to blog and then when I sit down to blog I can't think of anything to say.

Realizing that in one month I'll be sending my baby away to school.

My 21 year old daughter.

Grocery shopping.

Cleaning out the cat box.

This list!!!!!!!!

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Hi

I felt like I was getting back into the blogging groove and then I just stopped.  I'm not sure why, I guess laziness was a factor.

So, what's new with me?

I had a birthday in May, my son had a birthday in June and my son graduated 8th grade last week.

How about you?

Actually, things have been going really well.  I've been feeling better health wise and life is looking good right now.  We just got word that our son was accepted to the Academy that we wanted to send him to.  Looks like we just need to figure out the financials and then we will send him there in August.  It's 2 and a half hours from here. 

2 and a half hours from here..........

GAH!

Looks like my baby may be moving out before my 21 year old.

Most of me is pretty excited for him.  He really wants to go and it's a super opportunity.  I'll admit, though, there is a small part of me that hopes he stays here.  I mean....I'll MISS him!!!!!!

In spanking news....

Well, spanking has been up and down.  We haven't had much "alone" time around here, so there hasn't been much in the last few weeks, however, before school got out...there was a nice one given that I've been meaning to write about.

The mojo for writing about it has left....but I'll tell you something...there was a pretty hard spanking, followed up by some fingering and some fingers in...well you know, the "other" hole.  It was super hot.  I've been hoping for another fun time like that....but....it's summer and there are KIDS everywhere!  They won't leave us alone!

One night Bossman was discussing how my brain works...which...well....my brain is usually working overtime.  So he mentioned how he wondered what I think about when I'm getting spanked.  He was figuring that I was probably thinking about mundane things, like laundry or bills or something.  Turns out, he was wrong.  I have a whole litany of things that I think about while getting spanked and most of those thoughts are directly related to spanking! 

I think that's will be my next post....all the things my brain goes through while my butt is being spanked.

What do YOU think about while being spanked?


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50 Shades of....

I read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. (grey or gray?  I can't remember...)

I wasn't that impressed. 

Yes, it had some spanking.  Yes, it had some BDSM. 

The writing itself was terrible!  I hated the inner goddess stuff.  I felt like the sex scenes were all the same, probably because the writer used all the same words, over and over and over again!  I felt like she was afraid to use the word vagina!

I'll admit, there were some very hot scenes.  The silver balls?  HOT, hot, hot!

Here's the puzzling part.  I read a lot of different blogs.  Not just spanking blogs, but also a lot of mommy blogs, food blogs, and well, any blog that I find interesting.  It's almost like living in two different worlds.  There is the vanilla world, with the moms complaining about the kids and stuff and then there is the spanking world.  It seems that the two worlds can never collide because the mommys out there would find the spanking stuff to be totally wrong and "how could she possibly let her husband spank her??". 

BUT....here comes 50 Shades.  Suddenly, my worlds are colliding.  A lot of the blogging world has gone crazy for these books....and (gasp) this are vanilla people.

All the women talking about the book have liked it.  (Although they all agree the writing is bad!) 

I find it funny that they all seemed turned on by these books.  Husbands are recommending the books to other husbands without even reading the books because their women are....HORNY! 

Gee, what a concept, right?

It's amazing how turned on everyone is by the book and yet....if they knew we were doing some of that stuff in real life....O. M. G.  You know the poop would hit the fan. 

We have to protect ourselves in the spanking world that certain people don't find out.  If my husbands work found out...he could potentially lose his job.  If people in our church found out, we could be ostracized.  People would look down on us.  Our kids would be made fun of.  The list goes on and on.

I don't know where I'm trying to go with this.  I guess I'm just saying I think it's very weird.  I think it's sad.  But I also think that it's good that people are seeing that our world isn't so bad.

Now, if only Christian had convinced Ana that spanking for discipline can be a good thing....well, I'm sure if that happened, the books would not be as popular.

What do you think?



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P.S. If you want to read a good fantasy spanking blog, you should read Cassies Space. It is a great blog about a made-up couple that have spanking in their lives. 

PK's fault!!!!

It all started with an innocent comment on PK's blog.  She was categorizing all her implements and mentioned how the backscratcher is my favorite (not).  I innocently asked Nick if he would kindly retest all the implements so that we, the readers, could be doubly sure that everything was in the right category.  Seriously, I was concerned for the newbies that might be reading.  I really wanted the implements in the right category.  I was especially concerned that the backscratcher was in the right category.  How was I suppose to know that Nick would follow through? (I always loved that Nick guy!)

Last Sunday....or I should say the Sunday before last, I ended up in the ER.  I had some sort of episode, but I was fine!  The next couple of days I was really tired (of course that is nothing new.)  On that Tuesday, the little man came home from school sick.  On Wednesday he was running a fever and coughing.  On Thursday, I took him to the doctor.  He had strep throat and the flu.  He also passed out at the docs office.  (He's ok now)

I mentioned all this on Facebook.  This was after I made my innocent comment on PK's blog.  She commented that she wasn't speaking to me and I think she said something about bad thoughts.  Don't worry....she didn't have any bad thoughts for the boy...she made sure to make that clear.  She was only sending bad juju my direction!

I didn't understand.  My comments were only to help the newbies!  I'm innocent!

Friday, Bossman came home at noon....SICK!  I think PK's bad juju was rubbing off on anyone that was close to me.  This was not good!

I spent the weekend caring for the boys.  THEN...Sunday night around 11, Bossman gets a pain in his side.  I end up taking him to the ER.  If you have been paying attention you will realize that we ended up in the ER two Sundays in a row!  YAY us!

Bossman ends up with a kidney stone.  Or two.  I don't know, he was still in pain Monday morning.  I got up to take the little man to school and run to the pharmacy to get the prescription for Bossman that the ER gave us the night before. (Oh, we got home from the ER at 3 in the morning)

As I sat waiting for the prescription I realized something.  I was running a fever.  I could feel it, right behind my eyes.  My eyes were burning and it wasn't from lack of sleep....although that was there too! PK's bad juju has finally caught up with me!  This was NOT good!

Luckily Bossmans pain stopped right around the time the little man called to say he was still sick and could we pick him up from school. I picked him up and we took him back to the docs.  Actually, Bossman took him back, I was down for the count by then! I ended up with a 102 fever. 

Everyone is doing better now.  Bossman and the little man are good and I'm feeling better myself.

Who knew that one innocent comment would cause so much havoc on my life?

I'm telling you this.... 

This....was all PK's fault!

Don't you all think she deserves a spanking? 

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GAH!

March 12th, Bossman and I celebrated our 23 wedding anniversary.  Over the weekend, we went to Monterey Ca.  It's beautiful up there.  We took the 17 mile scenic drive and stopped at Pebble Beach golf course.  WOW!  It's amazing there.

We didn't only go up there for our anniversary.  In the same area is an academy.  It's a high school academy.  We are thinking of sending our little man there for high school.  You might have guessed this, but it's a boarding school.  It is 3 hours away from us.

So, yeah....thinking of sending my little man to boarding school.  YIKES!!!!  I never thought I would be saying something like that.  BUT....this school has so much to offer.  BUT...I wouldn't see my baby every day.  BUT...it's such an awesome campus and school.  BUT....it's my BABY!!!!!

You guys!  What am I thinking? 

GAH!

I had other things to write....but I'm too busy thinking about sending my son to school that I forgot what else I was going to write about.

I guess I'll have to remember and write about it later....

GAH!


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burden or not

Bossman and I were discussing my need for spanking.  I brought up other bloggers and how some are using spanking in their lives.  After talking about how some use it to help with depression and (well that sounds kind of bad....but I think you know what I mean) other things, Bossman said that it sounded like a huge burden on the HOH.

Maybe burden is not the right word for it.  He said it seemed like it would be a lot for the husband to take on....being responsible for another persons life, or happiness, or...well, again, you know what I mean.

So, is it a burden?  Is it a lot for a husband or HOH to take on in a relationship? 

Maybe I'm expecting too much out of my husband.  I certainly don't want to be a burden.  I already have a lot of things that make me a burden...I don't want to add spanking to the burden list.

BUT....if it makes the relationship better....is it still a burden?

This is what has been rattling around in my brain. 

Any of you have answers?

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motivation is a good thing

It was a bad week.  My neck was giving me trouble, so I was limited in mobility. 

The good news is I'm doing much better today.

Thank you all for your comments on the last post.  I'm am always struck by the fact that everyone has a story.  We don't often think about others and their stories.  We get so wrapped up in our own lives that we forget that others are suffering and others have stories.  The blogs I read usually only tell one side of a person.  The blog side of a person is only what we (the blogger) want you to know about us.  Blogging is only a snippet of what our lives look like in real life. 

For instance, I have a really good life.  I am not always sick and down.  I do have my good days.  Of course, the good days are overshadowed by the bad and that isn't good.  Am I making any sense?

So, lets talk about spanking.  More specifically, my spankings.

I KNOW....can you believe there have been spankings around here?

It all started a couple of weeks ago. The day before Valentines day, to be exact.  Bossman and I were discussing life...as we do...and we realized that our relationship was....well....it just was bland.  When a person has health problems, the house tends to fall apart AND the healthy spouse has a lot more to deal with than usual.  When that happens, it seems that we let the rest of our relationship just get stagnate.

I'm about to admit something I'm not proud of.  I've become rather lazy.  My medications make me tired, so I use that to get out of doing things.  "I'm so tired....I'm so very tired" is my favorite thing to say. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I am not lying.  I AM tired.  BUT, it really doesn't mean I can't do anything.  Plus, I can do stuff in the morning, when I'm the least tired. 

Here's the kicker....I NEED motivation.  You know something?  I am a pretty smart person.  I know exactly what I should be doing.  It's like dieting, I know what I should and shouldn't be eating, but does that stop me from eating the chips?  Nope. 

I think I've now established that I need motivation.  Luckily, Bossman likes to give motivation. 

Problem is, Bossman doesn't like to give motivation when he thinks it's undeserved.  He knows my struggles. 

I think I've convinced him that I could use the motivation and that he should be able to tell when I'm just tired or when it's something more. 

Do I think that's a lot to ask from him?  I don't.  The reason I don't is because he knows me better than I know myself...usually.  I trust him.

So, after our initial conversation, he started talking to me more.  He started telling me his thoughts, his disappointments, most importantly, his expectations.  Not that we didn't talk before, but talking about my health, or the kids, or the house...well that wasn't cutting it.

The talking began...

He began to tell me about things that were making him feel undermined.  Things that I would do that would make him feel bad.  Ok, bad isn't really the right word.  More like it didn't make him feel dominate.  You know...in charge.  Maybe I mean, masculine.  Yes, masculine. 

Guess what?  I got it.  He made sense.  I didn't like hearing that I was making him feel that way.  I want him to feel masculine.  It's what makes me attracted to him.  That and his dominance.  We've been talking about ways we can change things and one of the ways was....you know....

Spankings....

The spankings have been unexpected.  I mean, he didn't seem much interested and I was sort of not caring.  I believe he's caring about it now. 

I believe I care now.

There is nothing like a sore bottom to put things into perspective.  There is nothing like a spanking to make you feel more connected to your spouse.

There is nothing that makes me feel more like living than.....

You guessed it....

A spanking!


Written while ignoring laundry by::

The day my life changed forever....

I didn't make a big deal out of this, but on January 15th, it had been 2 years since I got the call that changed my life forever.  Some call it an anniversary, others a cancerversary, but I can't call it that.  Anniversaries are happy events and that was definitely not a happy event.

I may have already told this story...but I feel the need to tell it again.
I'll never forget that day.  It was a typical Friday.  I was waiting for the results of the biopsy, but I wasn't expecting the call that day.  They said 24 to 48 hours for results and my doctors are notorious for never calling at all, so I was fully expecting to have to call myself on Tuesday, as Monday was a holiday.

They called my cellphone....weird because they NEVER call my cell phone.  She, (my doctor) was very matter of fact about the matter.  "Yes, it's cancer, don't worry, we will get you an appointment with an oncolgist and surgeon."  "Any questions?"

Me?  "Uh, so...it's cancer?"

Me? "Ok, thanks."

Who says thanks after someone tells them that? 

I was alone at the time.  The wildchild was in her room, still sleeping.  I sat still thinking for a moment.  I was trying to wrap my brain around it.  Cancer...cancer...cancer.

I needed to call people.  I needed to call Bossman.

For some reason I felt like I should go in the bedroom to make the calls.  I have to pass the wildchilds bedroom to get to mine.  She came out the door right when I walked by. 

I lost it.

As a parent, you never want to lose it in front of your child.

I did.

I sobbed like a big old baby in my daughters arms.

It was humiliating.

I gathered myself and went in the bedroom to call Bossman.  Why is it when there is something major going on that nobody answers their phone.

So Bossman didn't answer.  I called my mom.  She didn't answer.  I called my best friend.  Finally, someone answered!

After playing phone tag, I finally got a hold of Bossman.  Of course he came home immediately.  My mom soon followed.

I remember being alone with Bossman for a few minutes and we just stared at each other.  The scared look in his eyes was enough to freak me out.  He sat me on the bar stool and he kneel next to me so I was looking down at him.  He said that now was the time to pray.  We clung to each other and he prayed.

And then, he pretty much said exactly what this song says...so I'll leave you with this song.  Everytime I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes.  BUT...I never change the station or turn the song off.  Because this song is my life and I have to face my life.

I'm lucky.  I am still here.  I thank God everyday for that gift.  The gift of life.




Written while ignoring laundry by::

doctors and blood tests and copays, oh my!

I am so grateful to have health insurance, but MAN, the co-pays are killing me.  I just spent 40 dollars to see a doctor that isn't really my doctor, that won't be my doctor and could care less about me and my stupid problems!

GAH!

Let me explain.  My oncologist left.  DAMN him!  He was the only decent doctor I have and now he's gone.  He didn't even leave me a note or anything.  He had the "office" break up with me.  I recieved a very nice note from the office telling me that my doctor is gone and I will be placed with a new doc.   I called the office and they told the doctor I would be seeing.  A nice lady doctor.  I was prepared for a lady doctor.  A lady doctor to touch the girls.  

I didn't get a lady doctor.  Instead I got a sub.  Kind of like a substitute  teacher, only it was a doctor. Did you KNOW there was such a thing?  I didn't.  Apparently, he's only here for a short time, until they hire a new doctor.  

So, the Sub comes in and he's a weird looking man.  He listens to my heart, does a breast exam...which, ewwww....and then I try to tell him some of the things I've been going through.  He stands there...with his hand on the door....and finally suggests a blood test.

~sigh~

That sounds like a fine suggestion, except, I went to my regular doctor about 2 weeks ago and we already did blood tests.  I told him that...but he didn't seem to care.  The blood test 2 weeks ago showed I was a bit anemic.  My regular doc didn't seemed worried but asked for another blood test.  I had that one last week.  I still have the bruise from it.  BUT now this doc wants another set of blood tests.  GAH!  

Also, they want to check my thyroid.  I've had my thyroid checked A LOT!  We told him that, yet, the blood test clearly stated they wanted to check my thyroid.  

It's so frustrating!  I haven't even told you about my regular doctor.  That man is a blog post all on his own.  

I know what your thinking.  I should switch doctors.  That would be wonderful but in my town, the only other doctor I can go to is his brother.  Again, another blog post for another day.

In other news......

Bossman and I have been talking.  I KNOW...talking.  And the talking has led to talks of TTWD.  It's been interesting.  And in the process there has been a couple of spankings....

And then I don't feel good again.

So annoying!  Just when things start getting good, I start feeling bad.  It's worse than having kids hanging around.

I will report on things has they happen, but this is where I have to be complete honest.

I think I've lost mojo for talking about TTWD on my blog.  

How did this happen?  Why did I suddenly become shy about sharing things that have to do with spanking and domestic discipline.  I've tried numerous times to write about our conversations and I just can't do it.

I don't know when I became such a fuddy duddy, but I'm going to try and break through this fuddy duddyness and write down my thoughts, because I do have a lot of those.

So, how've you all been?  

v day

Valentines day.....not my favorite holiday. Why do we need a day to celebrate our love? Shouldn't we be celebrating that everyday? Isn't that what anniversaries are for? Plus, what a bummer day for the single people! Nothing like having it rubbed in your face that you don't have someone to love.

Let's change the subject.  

Thank you all for the kind words about blogging.  I feel the love. (heh heh)  Maybe I should send you all a valentine...

I'm thinking one way of getting back on the blogging train might be to change the look of my blog. I really, really, really, love the look of my blog, I think it's really sexy.  But I think it's time to change things up.  I don't know.  I used to be pretty good at templates, but I haven't done one in so long, I'd probably screw it up.  I certainly didn't make this one, Ceeci made it for me.  

I guess I'll just think about it.

This weekend, they were showing Pretty Woman on TV.  I'm a sucker for that movie.  I don't know why, but I find it extremely hot.  Ok, I'm lying, I know exactly why I find that movie hot.  Edward is so hot.  I don't mean he's hot in looks, I mean, Richard Gere is ok, but that is not what I find so hot.  I find his dominance hot.  He has the air of dominance about him that makes me tingle. The Julia Roberts character isn't dumb but she needs him to guide her into his world.  She takes joy out of the little things in life and he is therefore introduced to parts of her world.  But..because he's so dominate in his business life, he carries that over to his personal life.  And who wouldn't want to make love on a piano?

Besides, love conquers all in this cheesy movie that I love so well.  

I would like love to conquer all, everyday, not just on valentines day.

Go and love, not just today, but everyday.

grace

thinking of blogging again

I've been thinking about this blog and wondering what I should do with it.  Should I keep blogging, or should I say, should I start blogging again?  Should I quit blogging?  Should I delete the blog?  Should I keep the blog? (I'm keeping the blog.)  More importantly, what should I have for dinner? 

Well, the dinner question was answered rather quickly, (chicken, if you must know) but the blog questions were more daunting.  I'm just not sure what I should do.  

Because I don't know what to do, I did what I do best.  I spent money.  80 dollars to be exact.  It's a lot of money to be spending on blogging, don't you think?  I bet you are wondering how the heck I spent 80 bucks on blogging.

I was thinking of all the reasons why I haven't been blogging.  Lack of things to write about is a big part of it.  But a bigger part is just not feeling well.  I am not going to bore you (again) with my health issues.  I will say, don't worry, nothing life threatening.  BUT, because I haven't been feeling well, I spend a whole lot of time on the sofa.  I watch a lot of crap tv, but I also spend a lot of time on my ipad. 

Have I mentioned that I love my ipad?  If I wasn't married,  I would marry my ipad.

Anyway, I spend most of my computer time on my ipad.  I don't have to wait for it to turn on, I don't have to get up off the sofa and I can watch tv and surf the net at the same time.  The downfall to my precious ipad is typing.  It's not the best thing for typing things on.  A comment on facebook isn't too bad, but a long blog post...forget about it.  I would be typing for days.

So I finally decided that if I was going to blog more often, I needed to be able to do it from the sofa and on my ipad.  I know what you are thinking....laptop.  And I have a laptop.  But it's heavy and bulky and takes forever to turn on.  Plus there is the charger wire and the mouse wire...if I want to be comfortable.  

I bet you have finally figured out what I spent my 80 bucks on, didn't you?

Yep, I bought a keyboard for my ipad.

Yes, 80 dollars seems like a lot, but it was the only one that was full size and didn't fold.  I'll just say, I LOVE it.

What I didn't realize is that blogger doesn't work very well on ipad, so I had to upload an app, and I am hoping this works.  I am bummed that I can't figure out how to make my signature work, but it's just a small thing.  If I can make this work, I might actually start blogging again.

So, consider this a test.  I'm testing my new keyboard and I'm testing my new app and I'm testing my brain, just to see if it still works.

If this works, I may be up to blogging more often.

Maybe.....

grace

an email to a friend

Dear PK

I am a horrible friend! Simply horrible! I haven't emailed you in ages and that's just not right. My only excuse, and believe me it's not a very good one, is that I do most of my web surfing on my ipad and it's such a pain to type with, that I only comment or email if it's going to be something short and sweet.

I saw from your posts that you had a great holiday! We had a nice one too. I think we hung around too much around the house, Bossman said he needed a vacation from his vacation. Whatever! I had a great time!

The day after New Years, we decided to paint our game room. Our game room is ginormous! (Is ginormous a word?) We had to buy a special pole to paint the ceiling and a ladder for the trim. We are STILL working on this room, but it's looking awfully pretty! The day after we starting painting, the wildchild informed me that she got a DUI. The day after that my son got in trouble with the sheriff.

Oh wait...did you want more details? I was hoping to sail right by that sentence and pretend it didn't exist.

Apparently, in the beginning of December, my daughter got a DUI. I guess she was 2 points over the limit. Luckily her car didn't get impounded. She had a friend pick her up from jail. (oh how proud I am to type this sentence) Her court date was the end of December and her friend took her to court. She didn't hire an attorney so the public defender took her case. She lost her license for 3 months, she has to pay 2300 dollars and she has to sign up for a 3 month class, which costs 400 dollars. Once she signs up for the class, she can get a restricted license, which she can use to drive to work and school. Oh, did I mention she lost her job in the middle of December? She didn't get fired, she got laid off, the company moved to Las Vegas. But, no job means no money.

Of course I didn't find out about the DUI until she told me last week. She didn't ask for money. She's waiting for unemployment. I'm so proud!!!

Amazingly enough, Bossman didn't have a fit. Oh, he was mad....as was I, but he didn't fly off the handle. He said we were NOT helping her with her fines, or anything related to the DUI. She was going to have to figure out how take care of it. Apparently she can work some of it off with community service. Did I mention how PROUD I am?

I am so upset that she could do that. Every time she leaves this house I say, "Don't drink and drive." and she always yells back....I KNOW!

She claims she was the most sober of her friends and she really didn't think she was over the limit. She said she was surprised when they did the breathalyzer and it was over. It's so EASY for someone to think they are sober when they aren't. I told her I was actually glad she got pulled over because she might have gotten into an accident on the way home. She could have killed herself or others! GAH!

She's not a a bad kid, but she sure makes some dumb decisions!!!

As for my son....it's kind of a funny story.

My son was spending the night a a friends house. Bossman is on the phone with a friend when I get a call on my cell from the little man.

The conversation goes something like this:

little man: Mom, we got in serious trouble.

Me: What? what kind of trouble?

little man: Just come down by K's house......

Me: Whaaaa?????

new voice: Hello Ma'am, this is Officer Smith from the sheriffs department.

Me: Oh......Oh Hi.

Officer Smith: Your son and his friends were door-bell ditching a friend from school. They did it a couple of times and the parents got upset about it so they called us out.

Me: Oh...oh wow. (I am a woman of many words!) Where should I pick him up?

Officer Smith: It's ok, we will let them walk home.

Me: ok, thanks officer.

end call.

I hang up and Bossman asks what's up. I tell him. He goes to pick him up from his friends.

Bossman gets there and they have 8 boys sitting on the curb with their heads in their laps. Bossman says there were 3 cop cars and 4 officers. All with the their lights on.

Bossman said the cops were laughing about it and shaking their heads. When they saw the mad dad show up, they just asked...which one is yours and let my son go with him. My son was the one with the red eyes, crying, but in a manly way...LOL

The little man was very upset when he got home. I could tell he'd been crying. He said he was just following along with the other kids and he didn't even want to do it. Yeah...right!

I have to admit...the whole thing is funny! But he is not allowed at friends houses for at least a month.

Have a mentioned how proud I am of my two criminal children? I am raising such upstanding citizens!

So, that was my week. How was yours?

HUGS!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

The mexican line

My son's Jr. high has a serious problem.  The lunch food is too good. 

I know what your thinking....since when is a school lunch good?

It's so good that the lunch lines are extremely long.  Some of the 8th graders have to stand in line the whole lunch period and then have to gobble their lunch down quickly before the bell rings.

My son?  He's got a system.

The other day, we were talking about his lunch period.  He was telling me how the lines were long.  Apparently the 7th graders get out for lunch 10 minutes earlier, but now that the quarter is ending the 8th graders will get to be the ones getting out earlier.  It's a HUGE deal, if you happen to be in 8th grade.

My son was telling all about this when he started telling me his system for getting through the line quicker.

It involves cutting in line.  heh!

Anyway, he's telling me his method and he says to me that the mexican line is shorter.

Whaaaa???? HUH????

The mexican line?

I couldn't believe they had a line just for the mexicans.  What is this world coming to?

My son, on the other hand, couldn't figure out what I was talking about.  He just stared at me. 

Finally, he says to me, "Mom, the mexican line is for mexican FOOD, not people.  And the mexican food is not as good as the pasta."

Oh.

When he told me that I just couldn't stop laughing.  I can't believe I thought there was a line just for the mexicans.  D'oh!

I won't go into his system because, like I said, it involves cutting the line, but he assures me that right now he has a much better plan for getting through the line.

He helps his friend that has a broken leg.  Broken legs get you to the front...along with your helper.

Ahhhh, my son.  He just cracks me up!

Written while ignoring laundry by::

The results are IN!

The results came back fine with the ct scan.  The doc said there was nothing wrong with my head and I said he better check again.  I'm not right in the head...but I've known that since I was little.  It's just nothing they can see on a scan...HA!

Since I've gotten the results I feel much better!  I used to think I handled stress nicely, now a days, not so much.  So, now that I'm not stressing about brain cancer, I can stress about stomach cancer or liver cancer.  Or.....maybe I can stop worrying about my health and start enjoying my life. Hmmm, could that really happen?

In other news, I just finished reading all the Harry Potter books (again) and oh how I love them so.  I've actually been spending the last couple of days just thinking about Harry and his friends and how or what they should have done different at the final battle against You-Know-Who.  I love books that keep me thinking days and even weeks after.  BTW, if you have only watched the movies you are totally missing out.  The movies are ok, but the books ROCK! 

Now that I've finished I need something new to read.  If you ask what kind of books I like I can't tell you.  I like all kinds!  The only kind I'm not really into is Sci-Fi. 

What are you reading?  Anything I might like?  I need something new to sink my teeth into.

I've been sitting here trying to figure out what else to write about and I've got nothing.  That's how boring my life is right now.  Although I need to figure out what to do with myself, right now, boring is kind of nice.

I'll try to be more entertaining next time.

Written while ignoring laundry by::

ct scan

Yesterday I had the CT scan.  I survived!!!

CT scans are so much easier than the MRI.  I KNOW, MRI's give more detail, but I doubt there is anything to find, so I'm not really worried.

I will say though, they had to put some dye in my veins.  OUCH! 

See, ever since the BC, they can't use my left arm for blood, for IV's or for blood pressures.  This is because they took a lymph node from that side when I had my surgery. Problem is, my right arm does NOT have the good veins.

The result?  Nice big bruise on my arm.

Whatever....I'm just glad the whole stupid thing is over.  I won't find out the results until Monday, but I am pretty sure that it's a whole pile of nothing, so I'm just ready to move on to the next thing.

What is the next thing?  That is the million dollar question.

I don't think I'm handling my life very well right now.  I might need some help with that.

Of course that would involve finding out what my insurance covers and then finding someone good around here and then actually making an appointment.

Um, yeah, just typing that sentence made me tired.

I prefer the "bury my head in the sand" method of living right now.  I'm just floating through life, mostly on the sofa. 

I'm fine though.  I always muddle through.  And Bossman has been really sweet to me.  The other night I was super hot....the weather has been in the 90's around here lately....and I laid naked on the bed.  Bossman brought out some powder and turned off the lights.  By the dim light of his cell phone (what?  doesn't everyone use their phones for light sources?) he proceeded to powder me down.  It was so sweet and wonderful to just lay there and be.  I somehow found the way to shut my brain off and just enjoyed the touch of my husbands hand.

It was nice.

Just what the doctor ordered........


Written while ignoring laundry by::

Friday Fail

A couple of weeks ago, I went to my oncologist for a routine check up.  I go every 3 months.  I told my onco about the dizzy spells and the vertigo.  He proceeded to ask 20 questions to find out if there was anything else going on.  THEN, he said he would like me to have an MRI, just to be sure. 

Anytime you are diagnosed with cancer, you have to be prepared to always have that in the back of your mind, even when you are finished with treatments.

Have you ever had an MRI?

I had one last year on my neck and although it was a little claustrophobic, I managed to survive.

This time, not so much.

Friday morning, Bossman and I went to the hospital for the test.  I was trying really hard to remind myself that it wasn't so bad and I'd be done in no time and I shouldn't be worried.

I left Bossman in the waiting room and I went with the tech.  I thought I would have to take off all the metal stuff, like last time.  The tech said I didn't need to as only my head was going in.  I really thought this wasn't going to be bad.

She had me lay on the bed and gave me ear plugs.  THEN she put foam cushions around my head.  THEN she put a metal cage thing over my head with a mirror, so I could look out.  Before that, I was licking my lips and she told me I couldn't do that.  She said I couldn't wiggle my nose if I got an itch either.  I asked how long I was going to have to do this and she said 30 min.  That is when I pretty much lost my cool.  I knew this wasn't going to happen.  Took everything off my head and said she would call my hubby and have him hold my hand. 

Um, no.  By this time I was almost in tears. 

I told her no.  I couldn't do it.

So, I left.

Now, I'm not a claustrophobic person, but that was too much.  I couldn't hear a thing and I felt like my head was entombed in a cement case.

Oh no...that wasn't going to work for me.

So, this week, I'll have a CT scan instead.

And I'll try not to lose my shit.


Written while ignoring laundry by::

pink, pink, you stink!

It's pink October.  That means that every single thing you are thinking of buying is pink.  I've seen pink cat food, I've seen pink blenders and I've seen pink underwear.  Not sure how wearing pink underwear is going to show your support....but whatever!
I suppose I should be supportive of all this pink.  I mean, I am a survivor, if that's what you want to call me.  But really, I am NOT a fan of pinktober.

First of all, do you live under a rock?  Because frankly, unless you live under a rock, I don't really need to make you aware of breast cancer.  We all know it's there.  We all know that we should get a mammogram after the age of 40, or if you have history of BC in your family.  We all KNOW we should be doing self exams.  WE KNOW for goodness sakes!

I'm very skeptical about buying the pink stuff.  Lets face it...the prices on the pink stuff are usually jacked up.  Also, how much of the money actually goes where it says it's going to go?  I feel much better donating to the Relay for Life (which supports ALL cancer) or straight to a breast cancer organization.  Actually, I'd prefer to donate to someone that is in the middle of treatments and needs help financially. 

But hey, if you want to buy the pink stuff....go ahead, I'm not going to give you a funny look or anything.

Also, as far as being a survivor....heh!  It feels weird saying that.  I mean, it's not like I got in a car crash, or was stranded out at sea for weeks.  Heck, I just had a little surgery, had a little radiation and everything is fine.  Seriously, I'm also a survivor of the flu and recently I'm the survivor of a stubbed toe, which, OMG, that really, really HURT! ( and it bled all over the house before I realized it was bleeding and now I may lose the nail and it was my pinkie toe...so)  I feel more of a survivor when I talk about D.  Surviving watching someone you love die...well, it was a lot harder than the cancer stuff.

I will admit that I do have a pink ribbon on my car that says survivor.  My profile does say I'm a survivor and I even have pink ribbons on my blog page.   I only say I'm a survivor because I can't think of another word.  I mention it on my profile because it's a part of who I am now.  I didn't ask for that part, but I got it anyway. 

I'm sad that there isn't more emphasis on the other cancers.  When I told D I had cancer, she said, and she said it would sound bad, but she said that she wished she had had breast cancer because it gets the most attention and the most money and the most research.  She also really loved the color pink. 

So, that's my thoughts on pinktober. 

Now go get your mammogram!


Written while ignoring laundry by::

Physical Thursday

Thursday I went and had my annual physical.  This included checking under the hood and squeezing the boobs.  She did the vertigo test...yes, there is a test for that and I still have it.  It hasn't bothered me that much lately, but it's still there.  Also, remember how I'm on 2 blood pressure meds?  Every time I go to the doc I have high blood pressure.  Every. Single. Time.  But now, suddenly my blood pressure is low.  I mean, like 98 over 62 low. heh.

I am shocked by this.  I can't believe it.  I also can't believe I didn't have to wait for an hour in the waiting room, but that's a different story.  Seriously....I'm surprised.  So when the doc comes in, I'm sure she's going to say something about it.

I was sure.

She didn't.

I ended up bringing it up.  Mind you, I've been going to this doc for YEARS!  She knows my history.  So I ask her about it.  "Oh" she says, "yes, well that does seem low for you.  Maybe we should cut one of the meds and see how that goes."  See how that goes?  GAH!  I ask if she thinks that could be causing me to be dizzy and she says, " why yes, yes it could."

Just call me Dr.Grace M.D.

So after we get that sorted and she looks at all my privates, she says I should get a tetanus shot.  You know, the one you get every 10 years. It also keeps that pesky whooping cough away. 

So they give me the shot.  Doesn't hurt a bit.  Never even felt it.

Next day, I felt a little off.  Couldn't put my finger on it, but I just didn't feel my normal dizzy self.  But HELL, my arm was sore!!!!

By the evening, I had a slight fever.  By morning my arm has swollen A LOT and did I mention it hurt like HELL?  I think I ended up with all the side effects.  Which according to Dr. Google, only 1 out of every 100 adults get.  Whoo...am I lucky or WHAT????  I'm better now, but my arm still has a swollen spot.  Stupid shot.

Ah life.  Sometimes it's such a bitch.

On to another though provoking topic....

My biggest pet peeve...(besides the people selling stuff in front of the grocery store)

Sitting on a warm toilet.

That's all.

Written while ignoring laundry by::

The post that didn't want to get written

I've can't believe I didn't post a single thing in August.  I hate when bloggers do that.  I wait anxiously for my favorite bloggers to post a new post and get frustrated when it takes so long for them to post, YET, I take a long time to post something myself.  It's a double standard for sure!

So, sorry.  I apologize for my absence.

I don't have an excuse really.  I just couldn't get enough mojo to write anything.  My life has been a roller coaster of health problems.  Don't worry, nothing major.  Just stuff that is annoying and weird and just sucking me dry as far as motivation goes.

Motivation.  I has none.

I've had a case of vertigo that has caused me to just want to sit on the couch and not move.  You remember the song, "You spin me right round baby, right round, like a record player, right, round right round"?  Well, that was the theme song for me.  Endless spinning.  Of course that meant no driving.  And I pretty much just sat on my butt all day and did NOTHING.  Which caused me to fall into a depression that has been hard to drag myself out of. 

Also, I take 3 different meds a day.  2 for blood pressure and one for the cancer.  Those 3 meds are making me soooooo tired that I can hardly hold my head up.  YET, I'd be so tired that I couldn't sleep.  I KNOW, that makes NO sense to me either, but it's a vicious cycle that is hard to break.

I know I should probably talk to someone about the depression, but honestly, I don't want to take another medicine. I hate it.  If there is a side effect...I WILL have it.  I just can't handle anymore side effects.

So, I'm trying to drag myself out of it myself.  Now that the vertigo is less, I've been able to walk by myself without worrying about falling down.  So, I've been trying to get out of the house and take a short walk everyday.  I've been making sure to do something around the house.  Just doing the dishes makes me feel like I've done something productive and that has helped a lot.

It's hard when you feel unimportant and unneeded.  Bossman tells me all the time that I am important to the family and that the family would fall apart without me, but sometimes I can't help thinking I'm nothing but a burden.  I KNOW, I'm not a burden.  Trust me, I KNOW.

2010 and 2011 have been hell.  Between the cancer, D's death and now more recent, my step father passed away in August...it's just been overwhelming.  I haven't known how to feel about my SF's death.  We weren't close.  He abused me when I was younger.  I've made peace with that.  He was my brothers father.  Without him there would be no brother.  I can't imagine life without brother.  I feel bad that he passed.  My poor brother was the only one there for him when he passed.  My baby (35) brother had to watch his father pass and nobody was there for him.  It was a hard passing too, the last hours SF was in a lot of pain.  He was only 59.

Life is so hard to deal with.  I don't know how I'm suppose to feel.  I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac because I always have a problem.  I'm actually relieved when the doc finds something because then I know it wasn't just in my head.

Sad, isn't it?

Anyway, this is my life.  So I'm writing about it.  I figure maybe writing it all out will help.  Well, it can't hurt.  Through all that, I still like my husband to spank me.  We had a long dry spell, but the other day he did pull me over his knee and give me a few swats.  I was a big baby about it, but it was nice and it made me feel more.....I don't know....does it seem weird that it made me feel more normal?

Well, if it's weird, it's no more weirder than the rest of my life.

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unexpected spanking

It was about 4:15 in the afternoon and I was lazying around on the porch swing in the backyard, just reading a book.  The little man comes out to tell me he's heading out on his bike to meet up with some friends.

I realize I'm alone.  What do I do?  I continue reading my book, of course.  Bossman comes in the door about 15 minutes later.

First thing he notices is....we are home alone.  I'm still thinking about my book so nothing really crosses my mind as to what that really means.  I follow Bossman into the bedroom, like I usually do, so he can change out of his work clothes. 

After he changes, he pulls me over his lap.  WHAT???  I wasn't even thinking about it.  I wasn't prepared. 

As the pants go down around my ankles I wonder (as I usually do) what the heck was I thinking.  Why do I put myself through this?

He spanks with his hand.  I forgot how hard and unforgiving his hand can be on a virgin tushy.  After a few minutes of that he switches to the backscratcher. 

I should remind you....I haven't had a spanking in almost two months.  My viginized butt didn't like the sting that backscratcher handed out.  It was very ouchy.

I tried getting away, he held me tighter.  Hmmmm, I think I liked that.  No, I KNOW I liked that. 

There wasn't much talking but the laundry DID get brought up.  He asked why he has to spank his woman to get his laundry done. 

Good question. 

I'll get back to him on that one.

Eventually, he stopped spanking, pulled up my pants and sent me on my way. 

The rest of the night I sat on a tingly bottom.

Then I realized why I put myself through that.

I liked it!



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The big C

Thank you all for dog food advice.  I've been looking things up online and we haven't made a decision about her food yet.  Some days she's just more itchy than others.  Today she's fine.  Even if it's not the food, after all the stuff I've been reading, I'd like to give her something more healthy for her instead of just going with the cheapy stuff.

So....do any of you watch a show called The big C?  It's on showtime.  If you don't watch it, the theme is simple.  It's about a woman that has incurable cancer.  You'd think it would be sad, but it's more of a sitcom.

Anyway, I started watching this show and at first I didn't think I was going to like it.  I mean I've gone the cancer road and did I really want to think about it again?  But, I'm morbid.  Even when I am contemplating my own mortality, I can't help but see how others go through it.  So I started watching.

Over all the show is pretty good.  BUT....there are some parts that bother me.

The biggest complaint?  She waits 3 months before she tells anyone she's dying.

WHO does that?  WHY would you do that? 

I don't get it.  Wouldn't you want to tell your family so you could enjoy the last remaining months or years and your family could enjoy you?

Um no.  She decides to kick her hubby out of the house and doesn't let her son go to soccer camp.  She thinks she's going to spend the summer with her teenage son...(yeah right...) but instead the son is complete upset with her and spends his time with his friends.  So, she ends up having an affair.

I don't get it.

I'm on to season two now, she's told her family and has decide to pursue treatment.  She's let her husband come back.  I guess if you have cancer it's ok to have an affair.....

Well....what do you think?  Would you wait for months before telling anyone in your family about your health?  Would you forgive your spouse if they had an affair and then told you they were dying of cancer?

I'm just curious.

I'm also ready to be spanked now!  (I'm just saying that in case Bossman stops by to read..)




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you would think...

I had good intentions of spending this summer writing in this blog.  I was hoping to visit more blogs and leave more comments.  I was thinking of jumping back in and catching up with old friends and possibly finding new ones.

I seem to always have good intentions, but they never get me very far if I don't act on them!

You would think that having a week home without the little man would result in some fabulous spanking stories.

You would think....

You would think I would have had some great sex that week also.

You would think....

Instead, the wild child was home all week sick.  Any time that Bossman and I had together was outside the house and not really appropriate for sex or spanking.

Oh well, life is what happens when your busy making plans.  (Or something like that...)

On a completely unrelated note...

What kind of dog food do you use?

Our dog is getting skin rashes and a friend suggested that it was the food.  I admit, I buy the crap at walmart.  I feel bad now!  Poor thing.  I should be feeding her the good stuff!  So, what is the good stuff?  I've searched online and there is such a wide variety that it made my head spin.  I can't figure out which website  is telling  me the truth and which just wants me to buy their stuff.

So help a girl (and a dog) out....what kind of food should I feed her?




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Curious

Believe it or not, I just finished washing the kitchen floor and I've already done two, count them, TWO, loads of laundry. 

I would say this day is a success!

This week has been good.  Along with the cleaning, I've been getting out of the house more.  Did you know that there are people out there....in the world?  And they are doing stuff!  They are on the roads and in the stores.  They are everywhere!  It's nice to be in the land of the living again!

Guess what I got for my birthday.  I know, my birthday was a long time ago but still...guess!

If you said Ipad, you would be correct!

Can I just tell you how much I LOVE my Ipad?  Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. 

It's so nice to have the internet at the touch of a button.  I don't have to wait for it to boot up or anything.  One click of the button and I'm on the internet.  Love it! 

I don't really like typing on it, it's sort of like texting...I'm not good at the texting.  And you can't do anything that requires flash....but man...I do like my Ipad!

I'm wondering if anybody else has an ipad.  Are there apps that I should have?  I only have a few games on it and I feel like I'm not using it to it's full potential.  So, is there anything else I should know about the ipad?

While I'm at it.....what about links?  I'm curious to know what your favorite NON-spanking links are.  What are your favorite websites?  Actually, I wouldn't mind knowing what your favorite spanking websites are also.

So fill me in, what am I missing out on this great thing called the internet?









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How've you been?

So...........

The last two weeks have been extremely stressful. 

I found another lump.  On the same side as the surgery.  I'm not going to make you think something bad, so I'll tell you right away, it's fine!  Just a cyst.........whew!

BUT, the last 2 weeks I've had the feeling of doom.  I've had all thoughts of death and dying.  I've been picturing in my head how it would be to tell the children.  I've been picturing how it would be to be dying.  To not have a future.

GAH!

It doesn't help that the anniversary of D's death is this week.  Plus the fact that my fathers...plural...are both dying with different diseases.  PLUS, my mother is in Florida right now with my Uncle who could be on his death bed.

ENOUGH of the dying already people!  I've had enough.  I'd like to NOT think of death and dying for awhile and just enjoy LIVING!  Is that such a big thing to ask?

Anyway, other than the dying stuff, summer has been good so far.....but there hasn't been any spanking.  Not that I've really been in the mood, with all my dark moods and everything, but still, a spanking could possibly, probably help shake those moods.  I'm just saying.....

Well, today is a new day!  I'm fine.  Yesterday they took a look at the lump with a mammogram and ultrasound and declared it a cyst!  YAY!  This is reason enough to jump back into life and stop living the life of a dying woman.  Sheez....am I dramatic enough for you??

So, that's what's happening around here.  How've YOU been??



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spanking is as spanking does....

There are many things happening all at once and so I know it's summer.  Yesterday the little man turned 13!  13???? 13!!!!

He's a teenager now!  What the heck?  Where did the time go?  ACK!

Anyway, so that is the first indication that summer is around the corner.  The other is that tomorrow is the last day of babysitting!  YAY me!  Also, next week it the last day of school.  Thursday the 9th, to be exact!  I might have to do the happy dance.  I know that by August I'll be doing the happy dance that school is back in, but for now I'm just happy it's over!

So, remember when I wrote that last post?  You know, the one right before this one?  The one where I said I hadn't been spanked and Bossman and I weren't very close?  HA!  I should write stuff like that more often because I wrote that on Friday morning and then Friday afternoon..........

Well, lets just say that Friday afternoon was both wonderful and terrible.  It was one of those times that you play over and over again in your mind and you can't quite decide how terrible and how wonderful it was.

Details you ask?  I know there is at least ONE of you that is a detail whore.  Of course I'm thinking I could just leave you guessing for a while.  That could be fun.  (for me)  Or I could just tell you what happened.

sigh~

Friday afternoon, Bossman had the afternoon off of work.  After the baby leaves we have about 45 minutes before we have to pick up the little man from school.  Bossman thought this was a great time for a spanking.  I had my doubts.  It had been a while since I had gotten a spanking and frankly we ALL know what it's like to get a spanking on a bottom that hasn't seen a spanking in a while.

I asked what this spanking was about and he said it was about a lot of things.  It was about getting us closer together.  It was about getting me to focus on him.  On us, really.  On things that were important, like our relationship.  \

Focus he said?  Oh there was focus alright.

He spanked with the wooden spatula thingie and he spanked HARD.  As a matter of fact, I believe this was the worst spanking I had ever gotten.

Seriously!

OUCH!

It was long and it was hard and I....well I was LOUD! 

Can I tell you something?  A hard spanking like that can really put things into perspective.  I wasn't in a great mood but after that spanking, my mood was much lighter.  Things seemed better. (not for my bottom though)

There wasn't time for being intimate after that.  So we went on with our day.  Mine with a sore butt.

The next day left us with a couple of hours to our self. 

By that time, I was quite ready for some lovin'

We got adventurous and tried some anal.  After careful consideration, and with the knowledge that THINKING about it makes me hot, anal is not for us.  It's just not comfortable and just doesn't feel that great. 

With that said, we had an amazing time figuring that out.

After we had our fun, we needed a shower.  Now, Bossman had taken care of me, but we didn't quite take care of him.  So, in the shower, I decided to give the man is favorite thing.  A bj.

I really got into it, I mean, he deserved it.  It was the best bj ever!  I'm not just saying that.  Bossman said so!!!!  I really did good!

So, I'm thinking the universe read my post on Friday and decided that it was unacceptable.  Or maybe it's like that whole thing where they say if you visualize it it will happen. 

Either way,
I ain't complainin'!

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blog, what blog?

I am still here.  I just couldn't get up enough mojo to look at my blog.  Or your blog.  Or any blog, for that matter. 

Ok, I lied, I did read the food blogs.  Believe it or not, I'm getting interested in cooking.  I hate cooking.  I do love looking at the cooking blogs though.  Just dreaming about someone making those recipes for me gets me all hot.....

It seems that since I got the cancer diagnosis, I've been curled up in my shell.  I haven't felt like going anywhere or doing anything.  Home is safe.  Bad things don't happen at home. 

So, babysitting was perfect for me.  I didn't have to leave the house and it gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. 

But, it's been a year since I ended cancer treatment.  I think it's time to get back into the world.  I need to step out of my comfort zone and join the land of the living. 

Next week will be the last week of babysitting.  I haven't exactly decided what I'll be doing this summer but I did decide to join the gym.  Just getting out of the house will be good for me.  Plus, I could stand to lose a few pounds, or at least not add to the ones I already have!

I haven't had a spanking in a while... have you?

We seem to be at the place in our relationship where we aren't as close as we'd like.   Spanking is talked about but we just don't have a quiet moment to ourselves to do it.  Much less have sex.  We try to squeeze sex in when we can, but it really isn't very often.  That always makes Bossman cranky.  Honestly it makes me cranky too.

My mind has been in a lot of different places lately.  Last weekend was the 1st anniversary of the last time I saw D.  I know the 27 of next month will be hard.  That is when she passed.  I miss her and think of her every day.  I just blows me away that she's not here. 

Speaking of passing, my stepfather is dying of cancer.  I have mixed feelings about that man.  He sexually abused me when I was 12.  I feel like I'm over that.  As much as a person can be.  I don't like to use what happened to me a a child as a excuse for things that happen now.  That was a very long time ago and I'm a grown-up now.  I have forgiven him.

Here's the thing, he's the father of my brother.  I can't wish ill on the man that is my brothers father.  Without him, I wouldn't have my brother.  I wouldn't trade my brother for anything in the world.  Also, when I was really little, my mother was having a really hard time and was going to have to put me and my sister into foster care.  My mother met my stepfather at a party, told him the situation and he stepped in and helped my mother.  Who knows what would have happened if my mother had put us in foster care.

The point is, the man did a lot of good for our family.  None of that excuses the abuse.  It's just part of what happened. 

So, mixed feelings.  I'm not close with him now.  I've only seen him a handful of times in 12 years.  But my brother is hurting.  My brother is the only family my stepfather has left.  My mother divorced him 25 years ago.

Wow, I didn't mean to go into my life history.  Guess I needed to get all that out.

Anyway, that's what's going on here.  How have you been?



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15705 days old

Hard to believe but here I am another year older.

That makes me:
43 years old
or
515 months old
or
2243 weeks old
or
15705 days old
or
376,920 hours old
or
22,615,200 minutes old
or
1,356,912,000 seconds old

After all those numbers, 43 doesn't sound so bad after all!

Everyone eat cake for me today!



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