How's your sex drive?

I have a friend named kitten. I've been reading her blog for a long time. Some of her posts have dealt with the fact that her hubby doesn't have much of a sex drive. They have been having a hard time working through it all, but I'm hopeful that they are working toward a resolution.

This brings me to my own sex drive. Believe it or not, I can relate to her problem. Unfortunately, I can relate to her hubby, CD, more.

This is hard to admit, but I feel like if I'm going to be honest on this blog, I need to admit this, because if you read my blog regularly, you could easily get the impression that I don't have a problem in the sex area of my marriage. But, I do. Or did, or sometimes do. There, I said it.

Now, I have to explain it, and that's where it gets hard.

Actually, just so this doesn't sound too horrible, things aren't as bad as they used to be. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. But things have been very black.

When Bossman and I first got married, we were both very young. Neither of us had ever had sex with anyone else. We still haven't. We were inexperienced, to say the least. So, who's to say what is normal and what isn't when you're that young? We certainly didn't know.

Bossman has always had a strong sex drive. Actually, to be accurate, he's probably just a normal average male, with a normal, average, sex drive. Me? not so much. I have a much harder time getting into a sexual mood. I don't like being touched. That last sentence makes me sad. How does a person not like to be touched? How is it that I don't want my husband touching me? It's just wrong.

So in the beginning, things weren't so good. He wanted sex a lot, I didn't. I think it was a couple of years before I even had orgasm with him. I could give myself one, but with him...I didn't think that would ever happen. One of the biggest problems was communication. I would never think of telling him where to touch me to make me have an "O". So that was a problem. But a bigger part of my problem was, even if Bossman was just going to cuddle with me, I would back away. In my mind, even a cuddle was going to lead to sex and I wasn't in the mood for sex. So, just a cuddle, or a caress would send me scurrying to the edge of the bed. On the other hand, there were times when I thought Bossman was just being overly sensitive by my rejection, that I had given him MORE than enough and I really was a sexual person, he just didn't get me.

kitten says in her blog that CD said, "there's just no satisfying you". I cringed when I read that. It sounds so harsh. Sad thing is, I've said the same thing to Bossman.

Now, for one moment, I'd like to be on kitten and Bossmans side of the coin. To say there is no satisfying you, is unfair. Sexual desire is not gone once you have sex. It's completely normal to want sex the next day. It's human nature to desire sex. Most humans crave human touch. Humans are much happier when they are touched and loved. If our sexual desire was fulfilled once we had sex, we'd only have to have sex to have babies. Because our sexual desire would be fulfilled. Right?

Then there's the rejection. How does it feel to be rejected by the person that is suppose to love you most? Even if that person tells you, "it's not you" how can you not feel rejected? How do you get over the hurt?

But on my side of the coin it feels like I can't do enough. I feel like I gave you sex last night, now you should be good. You should be happy with that. You should be fulfilled. Right?

Now, what about the "pity" sex? What about those times I just gave in, just to get you off my back. I gave in because I didn't want to see the look of hurt and disappointment in your eyes again. Plus, I wanted to shed myself of some of the guilt that comes with denying the person you love, the love and touch that they need and deserve. But, you and I both know, my heart wasn't in it. I also know, the guilt didn't disappear, it only got worse. Is that fair? To either of us?

There are times when I feel like an utter failure. I feel like I'm not a normal person. I feel like I'm defective. My heart and soul are with the man that I love, but I can't give him what he needs. This breaks my heart.

I know what my problem is. Bossman knows what my problem is. Knowing what the problem is, doesn't make it any easier. Plus, I'm not one to use what happened to me in the past to excuse what is happening now. But sometimes you just can't push what happened to you aside and pretend that it didn't happen. Yes, I was sexually abused as a child. I only tell you this so you will understand. I didn't say this to make you feel sorry for me. It was a very long time ago, and I have made peace with it. Pity me not, for I survived and it's made me the person I am today.

Well, this post doesn't have any answers. I have no idea what changed in me. I still have bad times. I still have times when I just don't want to be touched. Nowadays these times seem to be only when I'm hormonal. But I still get those same old "bad" feelings from time to time. Finding out what turns me on was a big step in the right direction. Spanking spiced up our life and made us get a lot closer together. Letting Bossman know that quickies can relieve some sexual tension on days when I'm not in the mood isn't such a bad thing. Quickies don't have to equal "pity" sex. And truthfully, nine times out of ten, once the quickie starts the "bad" feelings start feeling good. Of course, communication is the key.

It truly is a sad place to be, when you can't find that loving feeling with the person you love. It makes you feel like a failure. It's makes you feel like your partner could do so much better with someone else. It makes you question your relationship and your love for your partner. The worst part is, it makes you wonder how your partner could ever love you.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I have a husband that never gave up on me. Bossman stuck with me though all of it. Somewhere along the line I made some self discoveries. I discovered that I am a sexual being. I discovered what makes me tick. Discovering and admitting that I am turned on by spankings is what helped me. It has helped me to communicate things to Bossman that I would never has told him before. It helped us become closer to each other, which in turn, helped me to want to have sex with my husband. My sex drive is in much higher gear than it ever was before. For that, I am truly grateful.

Bossman, I know you will probably read this. When you do, I want you to know, it isn't your fault. It was never your fault. You were a victim. But you were also the hero. You have stayed by me and loved me even when things were rough. I'm sorry you had to go though rejection and hurt and that it was caused by me. If I could take back all that hurt, I would. Since I can't, I can only say, I'm sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you. I love you and I always will.

Thank you for not giving up on me. I think I'm the luckiest person in the world.

As a matter of fact....I know I am.

later.....