Last night Bossman decided to spank me. Now I wasn't to please with this idea, but he did buy some new wooden spoons at the 99cent store, and he really wanted to try them out. So after much huffing, I turned over.
But Bossman got serious last night. He said he wasn't going to give up on me, and he wasn't giving up the d/d. He also said he was going to discipline whenever he felt it was necessary. He said he knows I need this, and he's going to do it. Then he made me repeat, while spanking) that I wanted this, and I need him to do this.
He KNOWS how hard that is for me. I hate admitting it, even though it's true. He told me to say I didn't need it, or want it, but I couldn't, damn it, I couldn't say it. Because in the end, I must admit, I need it.
So, we are continuing the saga, if you can call it that. And can I just say how lucky I am? I think I have the best husband in the entire world. I think I've been blessed more than I deserve. My husband really is so wonderful, so loving, so kind, and I love him.
Merry Christmas!
later.........
Mean people SUCK!
I may have used that title before but it is so freaking true! I can't stand MEAN people!
The other day was the first time a customer actually made me cry. I HATE crying! At work I'm considered the tough one. So when I broke down, everyone was shocked. The most shocked was...me! I don't break down when customers are mean, I just get really pissed off. But this guy was just really mean!
Ok, heres the short version of the story. MM (mean man) is making photos on our picture maker off a cd. He comes to the counter to have us price them. My friend helps him, but noticed that some of the pics looked like someone's art work. One of the prints looked like a simpson character. So she asked the MM who took the pics. MM says he did them on his computer. She said, well this one has a signature on the corner. He says he did that on his computer. So, she doesn't know what to do. (store policy states even if the picture looks professional, we can't sell it) One of his pictures was a painting of some kind also.
So, she asks me about it. I come to the counter, take a look at the pictures, and ask a few questions. MM starts getting agitated. Why can't I just buy these, I did these on my computer, these are MY photos. So I ask, who drew this picture? MM says his friend did it. I say, well, we will need your friend to sign a copyright release. So MM crumples up the picture and throws it at me! That's right folks, he threw it at me. Did I mention there was a counter full of people? So now I'm pissed, but I'm also feeling very humiliated. So I say, look, I'll call a manager and let them decide. He says....no I mean...yells, No, just take out all the pictures that you don't want me to have. Now my face is flaming red, my hands are shaking, and I know I'm about to lose it, so I say, I don't want to take any of your pictures out, I'll just call a manager, and he POUNDS on the counter and says....NO, never mind...I want you to shred all these pictures, and I want to WATCH you do it NOW.
So, I grab all the photos and I shred them. I forgot the one he crumpled. And I start lose it. Big time. I'm shaking and I start crying and I know if I don't leave right that second, I'm going to humiliate myself further. (did I mention there was a counter full of people?) So I'm almost done shredding, and a co-worker who was on a break came walking in the lab, she didn't know what was happening and when she walked passed the counter the MM told her to give me crumpled photo to shred also, so she brings it to me. And I don't look at her, I'm just shredding, and she says here, he wants you to shred this one too. And then she sees I'm crying, and she says, WHAT the heck is happening here? And I mumble...look, tell the guy I've shredded all his pictures...now I gotta go NOW. And I RUN out of the lab, through the store, to the lounge bathroom, (thank god no one was in there) and I sob! Hysterically, sob. But it was the kind of sobbing that you try to do quietly, cuz I didn't want everyone in the lounge to know I was crying. But as I was running out of the lab, I hear my co-worker, my friend, go up to the counter and ask the man in a very LOUD voice....WHAT the hell did you say to my friend? And when I got to the bathroom I heard my very good friend page for a manager!
Well, I returned to the lab about 30 min or so later....I had to wait until my eyes didn't look so bad. And I waited until the MM left. Apparently the manager told Creepo that he should not bring is pictures to our lab anymore. HOORAY! He better not, cuz next time, I won't be such a baby, and I'll tell him to f-off. And if I get fired for that.........GOOD!
So todays moral is....be nice to your store employees. The store employees don't make the rules. The store employees have feelings too. Store employess are not stupid...we are not ignorant, and we are not retarded. Some of us have college educations! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! I happen to work there because I CHOOSE too. I know it seems hard to believe, but I like my job. I just want to work part time so I can raise my family and right now this is the best option for me. Doesn't mean I'm STUPID!
Be nice to your fellow store clerks, we are human, we make mistakes, and we have feelings!
And as Forrest Gump so nicely says it.....That's all I gotta say about that.
later.............
The other day was the first time a customer actually made me cry. I HATE crying! At work I'm considered the tough one. So when I broke down, everyone was shocked. The most shocked was...me! I don't break down when customers are mean, I just get really pissed off. But this guy was just really mean!
Ok, heres the short version of the story. MM (mean man) is making photos on our picture maker off a cd. He comes to the counter to have us price them. My friend helps him, but noticed that some of the pics looked like someone's art work. One of the prints looked like a simpson character. So she asked the MM who took the pics. MM says he did them on his computer. She said, well this one has a signature on the corner. He says he did that on his computer. So, she doesn't know what to do. (store policy states even if the picture looks professional, we can't sell it) One of his pictures was a painting of some kind also.
So, she asks me about it. I come to the counter, take a look at the pictures, and ask a few questions. MM starts getting agitated. Why can't I just buy these, I did these on my computer, these are MY photos. So I ask, who drew this picture? MM says his friend did it. I say, well, we will need your friend to sign a copyright release. So MM crumples up the picture and throws it at me! That's right folks, he threw it at me. Did I mention there was a counter full of people? So now I'm pissed, but I'm also feeling very humiliated. So I say, look, I'll call a manager and let them decide. He says....no I mean...yells, No, just take out all the pictures that you don't want me to have. Now my face is flaming red, my hands are shaking, and I know I'm about to lose it, so I say, I don't want to take any of your pictures out, I'll just call a manager, and he POUNDS on the counter and says....NO, never mind...I want you to shred all these pictures, and I want to WATCH you do it NOW.
So, I grab all the photos and I shred them. I forgot the one he crumpled. And I start lose it. Big time. I'm shaking and I start crying and I know if I don't leave right that second, I'm going to humiliate myself further. (did I mention there was a counter full of people?) So I'm almost done shredding, and a co-worker who was on a break came walking in the lab, she didn't know what was happening and when she walked passed the counter the MM told her to give me crumpled photo to shred also, so she brings it to me. And I don't look at her, I'm just shredding, and she says here, he wants you to shred this one too. And then she sees I'm crying, and she says, WHAT the heck is happening here? And I mumble...look, tell the guy I've shredded all his pictures...now I gotta go NOW. And I RUN out of the lab, through the store, to the lounge bathroom, (thank god no one was in there) and I sob! Hysterically, sob. But it was the kind of sobbing that you try to do quietly, cuz I didn't want everyone in the lounge to know I was crying. But as I was running out of the lab, I hear my co-worker, my friend, go up to the counter and ask the man in a very LOUD voice....WHAT the hell did you say to my friend? And when I got to the bathroom I heard my very good friend page for a manager!
Well, I returned to the lab about 30 min or so later....I had to wait until my eyes didn't look so bad. And I waited until the MM left. Apparently the manager told Creepo that he should not bring is pictures to our lab anymore. HOORAY! He better not, cuz next time, I won't be such a baby, and I'll tell him to f-off. And if I get fired for that.........GOOD!
So todays moral is....be nice to your store employees. The store employees don't make the rules. The store employees have feelings too. Store employess are not stupid...we are not ignorant, and we are not retarded. Some of us have college educations! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! I happen to work there because I CHOOSE too. I know it seems hard to believe, but I like my job. I just want to work part time so I can raise my family and right now this is the best option for me. Doesn't mean I'm STUPID!
Be nice to your fellow store clerks, we are human, we make mistakes, and we have feelings!
And as Forrest Gump so nicely says it.....That's all I gotta say about that.
later.............
cycles of d/d
This is such a hard thing to for me to admit. I don't think I want to be in d/d right now. I don't want to deal with this stuff. Things that were once important to me, just don't seem important anymore, and d/d is one of those things.
Is this just a cycle....a phase, if you will, in my life? Does this stem from my grandmothers death? Because as I look back on the last couple of months, it seems it all started when she died. So maybe this is just an extention of the grieveing process.
I've been so blessed in my life that I never really had to deal with the death of someone that I cared deeply about. So maybe I don't even know that this is perfectly normal and I will get over it. I keep thinking that time will pass, and I will be able to get on with my life in a normal capacity, but then I keep thinking, nothing will ever be normal again. What exactly is normal? Normal to me is the way life was, and unfortunatly I can't go back to normal. Normal is when I didn't know what it was like to go to a wake and see someone you love, dead. I know what that is like now. Normal is when I didn't have to see my mother sob over her dead mother. I saw that. Normal is when I didn't have to stand in front of a room of strangers, and try and sum up my Grandmothers 82 years of life, in a matter of sentences. I did that. So will I ever be able to be normal again? Nope! Can't happen.
So now I must find a new path. I must make out a new normal. Does that new normal include d/d? I don't know. Is this just a cycle of life? Will I want it again? I wish I knew. The funny thing is, I still enjoy reading about d/d. I dream about it. I think about it. I get turned on by thinking about it. But the desire to participate is gone. I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there are so many other things in life that are more important.
I really thought I was getting over my grandmothers death. But after looking back on the last couple of months, I realize I haven't really gotten over it. I just tried to set it aside. But it's still there. I feel like I need to see her picture, look at the flowers that I hung on the wall from her funeral everyday. I'm obsessing with the pictures. My mind keeps thinking about her funeral. What I said. What I could have said. What I should have said. What I didn't say.
So I don't know what will happen with d/d in my life. I still read about it. I still enjoy discussing it. But I don't want to participate. I want to be an observer. I don't want to deal with it in my own life. It seems like too much work. It's too hard to figure out.
later.......
(I wrote the above on Nov 22)
I wrote the above blog but didn't want to post it, because I wasn't sure where I was going with it. Bossman reads this and I didn't know if I wanted him to know all this stuff. But the other morning he gave me a great spanking. It was just for fun, but it was nice. It felt great and we had great sex afterwards.
So what does this mean? I still like spanking, that much I can figure out. But for discipline? Hmmm, I don't know yet. Bossman has backed off the discipline lately, so we are just taking it one day at a time, which is what anyone will tell you is the only way to heal. But I guess I'm not willing to say, I don't want discipline. Because I know I would regret saying that. Maybe that is why I didn't post the original blog. I can't fully say that I'm ready to give up the discipline. I don't want to. So I guess I answered my own question about cycles. This must just be a phase I'm going through, because I simply can't fully commit to saying I don't want this in my life. I can't say it. I won't say it.
Life is too complicated right now. I'm just going to deal with it one day at a time. One spanking at a time.......
later........
Is this just a cycle....a phase, if you will, in my life? Does this stem from my grandmothers death? Because as I look back on the last couple of months, it seems it all started when she died. So maybe this is just an extention of the grieveing process.
I've been so blessed in my life that I never really had to deal with the death of someone that I cared deeply about. So maybe I don't even know that this is perfectly normal and I will get over it. I keep thinking that time will pass, and I will be able to get on with my life in a normal capacity, but then I keep thinking, nothing will ever be normal again. What exactly is normal? Normal to me is the way life was, and unfortunatly I can't go back to normal. Normal is when I didn't know what it was like to go to a wake and see someone you love, dead. I know what that is like now. Normal is when I didn't have to see my mother sob over her dead mother. I saw that. Normal is when I didn't have to stand in front of a room of strangers, and try and sum up my Grandmothers 82 years of life, in a matter of sentences. I did that. So will I ever be able to be normal again? Nope! Can't happen.
So now I must find a new path. I must make out a new normal. Does that new normal include d/d? I don't know. Is this just a cycle of life? Will I want it again? I wish I knew. The funny thing is, I still enjoy reading about d/d. I dream about it. I think about it. I get turned on by thinking about it. But the desire to participate is gone. I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there are so many other things in life that are more important.
I really thought I was getting over my grandmothers death. But after looking back on the last couple of months, I realize I haven't really gotten over it. I just tried to set it aside. But it's still there. I feel like I need to see her picture, look at the flowers that I hung on the wall from her funeral everyday. I'm obsessing with the pictures. My mind keeps thinking about her funeral. What I said. What I could have said. What I should have said. What I didn't say.
So I don't know what will happen with d/d in my life. I still read about it. I still enjoy discussing it. But I don't want to participate. I want to be an observer. I don't want to deal with it in my own life. It seems like too much work. It's too hard to figure out.
later.......
(I wrote the above on Nov 22)
I wrote the above blog but didn't want to post it, because I wasn't sure where I was going with it. Bossman reads this and I didn't know if I wanted him to know all this stuff. But the other morning he gave me a great spanking. It was just for fun, but it was nice. It felt great and we had great sex afterwards.
So what does this mean? I still like spanking, that much I can figure out. But for discipline? Hmmm, I don't know yet. Bossman has backed off the discipline lately, so we are just taking it one day at a time, which is what anyone will tell you is the only way to heal. But I guess I'm not willing to say, I don't want discipline. Because I know I would regret saying that. Maybe that is why I didn't post the original blog. I can't fully say that I'm ready to give up the discipline. I don't want to. So I guess I answered my own question about cycles. This must just be a phase I'm going through, because I simply can't fully commit to saying I don't want this in my life. I can't say it. I won't say it.
Life is too complicated right now. I'm just going to deal with it one day at a time. One spanking at a time.......
later........
Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving!
The day has arrived and I'm hoping that everyone will get along. Since we only have to spend a short time with the MIL, I think we will have a nice day.
Here's hoping everyone else is having a great day as well!
later.........
The day has arrived and I'm hoping that everyone will get along. Since we only have to spend a short time with the MIL, I think we will have a nice day.
Here's hoping everyone else is having a great day as well!
later.........
Orgasms
I was reading someones' blog recently, and they were talking about mind blowing orgasms. I've had some of those, I'm happy to report.
This blog is not about that though, what I want to know is how do women have more than one orgasm at a time? How does this happen? I simply can't go there...and I'm completely jealous of those that can!
I have a friend that claims she can orgasm 5 times in one session. GEEZ! That is not fair! I so want to experience this. And I've tried! Believe me, I've tried. I thought maybe if I practiced with myself I would be able to lead Bossman. But I've tried, and I can't do it. It's too sensitive and then it just gets numb. What is UP with that???
So, I'm going to do some more investigating. I'm going to make this my mission in life. I WANT multiple orgasms. And I won't stop until I get them!
later.........
This blog is not about that though, what I want to know is how do women have more than one orgasm at a time? How does this happen? I simply can't go there...and I'm completely jealous of those that can!
I have a friend that claims she can orgasm 5 times in one session. GEEZ! That is not fair! I so want to experience this. And I've tried! Believe me, I've tried. I thought maybe if I practiced with myself I would be able to lead Bossman. But I've tried, and I can't do it. It's too sensitive and then it just gets numb. What is UP with that???
So, I'm going to do some more investigating. I'm going to make this my mission in life. I WANT multiple orgasms. And I won't stop until I get them!
later.........
Flowers
Yesterday was a hectic day at work. Busy busy busy, and don't get me started on all the stupid people...sheez.
Anyway, I was not in a very good mood. Thinking about the holidays makes me in a bad mood...and I will write a blog about that later. So we talked about thanksgiving, and I got in a bad mood, and then I had to work for 9 hours...yuck. It wasn't the start of a great day, that's for sure. But then in the middle of the day, out of no where, the service desk calls back and says...hey girl, you got flowers up here. Me? Flowers? Are you sure? Yep, Bossman sent me flowers. Nice sunflowers, with a card that reads...You brighten our day.
AWWWW....ain't that sweet? How jealous was everyone at work? Heheheh, you just gotta love it. The day got considerably better after that. How could it not.
Back in the breakroom, one of the gals asked who they were from, and I told her, and she looked at me with a shocked looked and said, is it your anniversary? Nope, I smirk. Wow, you are a lucky girl. Why yes, yes I am! How lucky am I? god, I love my husband. He is so loving. So kind. I can't even decribe how much I love this man. He is my soul. He is my everything.
So then the little voice, deep in the back of my brain, that won't shut up, starts up with....you don't really deserve this. Your not worthy of this, your not even a good wife.
Why does this voice have to come up? Why does my brain automatically go to negative thoughts. I hate this voice. I despise this voice. This voice is nothing but trouble.
So I have decide today, that this voice will have power no more. I will not fall prey to it's negative thoughts. I will not listen to this voice that has no reason. I will not. I will think of the positive. I will embrace the love that is around me without question, and I will not succumb to the negative.
So I say, with a positive outlook, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind......sigh
later.......
Anyway, I was not in a very good mood. Thinking about the holidays makes me in a bad mood...and I will write a blog about that later. So we talked about thanksgiving, and I got in a bad mood, and then I had to work for 9 hours...yuck. It wasn't the start of a great day, that's for sure. But then in the middle of the day, out of no where, the service desk calls back and says...hey girl, you got flowers up here. Me? Flowers? Are you sure? Yep, Bossman sent me flowers. Nice sunflowers, with a card that reads...You brighten our day.
AWWWW....ain't that sweet? How jealous was everyone at work? Heheheh, you just gotta love it. The day got considerably better after that. How could it not.
Back in the breakroom, one of the gals asked who they were from, and I told her, and she looked at me with a shocked looked and said, is it your anniversary? Nope, I smirk. Wow, you are a lucky girl. Why yes, yes I am! How lucky am I? god, I love my husband. He is so loving. So kind. I can't even decribe how much I love this man. He is my soul. He is my everything.
So then the little voice, deep in the back of my brain, that won't shut up, starts up with....you don't really deserve this. Your not worthy of this, your not even a good wife.
Why does this voice have to come up? Why does my brain automatically go to negative thoughts. I hate this voice. I despise this voice. This voice is nothing but trouble.
So I have decide today, that this voice will have power no more. I will not fall prey to it's negative thoughts. I will not listen to this voice that has no reason. I will not. I will think of the positive. I will embrace the love that is around me without question, and I will not succumb to the negative.
So I say, with a positive outlook, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind......sigh
later.......
Starting over
Life is getting back to normal, but it's still hard. Bossman and I got out of sync for a while, and it seems to be hard for us to find the pattern we had before.
I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to get back to our life, to our discipline, to our spanking.
Spanking....last night was the first night. Can I say OUCH! Geez, my butt just wasn't ready for it, and it hurt from the get go. Here's the thing, we haven't been really active in the discipline area, Bossman has been giving me my space. Nice of him, but I feel like I won't ever go back if he doesn't insist. I feel like something is missing, but do I want to go back to that? I really do, but I don't. That just doesn't make any sense, but at least I'm saying it.
Anyway, back to last night. Bossman has this rule, it's a standing rule, one that we both agree on. It's not that difficult, so it's not a problem. He doesn't like me wearing undies to bed. Now that seems like no big deal, but I tend to forget. And since we haven't really been doing the whole spanking thing...I sort of forgot. And wouldn't you know, he came to check, and I had them on....so he spanked. And, I say...ouch!
But let me say, I didn't go easy. I tried my hardest to get out of it. I tried to talk my way out, I tried guilting my way out. I tried saying, but we haven't been doing this...so it doesn't count...but Bossman would not take no for an answer.
shhhh...don't tell...but I'm glad. I don't like it when he lets me get away with stuff. Are we going back to every night of spanking...I'm not sure, but I think we are getting back into the swing of things....just the way I like it!
later......
I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to get back to our life, to our discipline, to our spanking.
Spanking....last night was the first night. Can I say OUCH! Geez, my butt just wasn't ready for it, and it hurt from the get go. Here's the thing, we haven't been really active in the discipline area, Bossman has been giving me my space. Nice of him, but I feel like I won't ever go back if he doesn't insist. I feel like something is missing, but do I want to go back to that? I really do, but I don't. That just doesn't make any sense, but at least I'm saying it.
Anyway, back to last night. Bossman has this rule, it's a standing rule, one that we both agree on. It's not that difficult, so it's not a problem. He doesn't like me wearing undies to bed. Now that seems like no big deal, but I tend to forget. And since we haven't really been doing the whole spanking thing...I sort of forgot. And wouldn't you know, he came to check, and I had them on....so he spanked. And, I say...ouch!
But let me say, I didn't go easy. I tried my hardest to get out of it. I tried to talk my way out, I tried guilting my way out. I tried saying, but we haven't been doing this...so it doesn't count...but Bossman would not take no for an answer.
shhhh...don't tell...but I'm glad. I don't like it when he lets me get away with stuff. Are we going back to every night of spanking...I'm not sure, but I think we are getting back into the swing of things....just the way I like it!
later......
getting back to normal
My Grandmas death was really hard. I went to Chicago for the funeral with my mom. It was weird. I met a lot of family that I had never met before. I have a great uncle, and I have great cousins, and I have extended family that I think are great! It's too bad that something like this had to happen for us all to get togerther. But we are in Ca. and they are in Il. Tough to get together when your that far apart. But I think the internet will help us stay in touch, so that's a good thing!
Getting back into life is something else. My mind can't get over the fact that my grandma is gone. My heart aches that I didn't have any more time with her. I'm disappointed that I couldn't talk to her more about her life. Going through old photos made me realize, there a photos of people that are probably related, but I'll never know who they are, because nobody bothered to ask. I know sadness is normal, but I'm tired of being sad. I try to get back to doing normal things, but I don't feel like doing anything! I hate going to work, I would love nothing more than to stay home all day and forget about life. Playing on the computer helps. It's like being in someone else's life. It's the Sims, and I'm going to write about them later.
I spoke at my Grandmas funeral. Then my cousin spoke. How weird was it for me to listen to someone else talk about how much they loved her? She was my grandma. My brother and sister and I called her Grandma. Now there was someone else calling her grandma. I was jealous. I admit it. It wasn't fair. They got to spend more time with her. But I realized that my grandma loved all of us the same. I could tell by the way they talked that she treated them the same. That made it better. I guess.
As far as Bossman and I, we are hanging in there. We aren't the same since I came back. Things are different. Maybe I'm different. I just want to get back to the way we were. It was good. Now it's not so good. But I have hope we will get better. Right now we just have to go through this. We will, I hope.
later.....
Getting back into life is something else. My mind can't get over the fact that my grandma is gone. My heart aches that I didn't have any more time with her. I'm disappointed that I couldn't talk to her more about her life. Going through old photos made me realize, there a photos of people that are probably related, but I'll never know who they are, because nobody bothered to ask. I know sadness is normal, but I'm tired of being sad. I try to get back to doing normal things, but I don't feel like doing anything! I hate going to work, I would love nothing more than to stay home all day and forget about life. Playing on the computer helps. It's like being in someone else's life. It's the Sims, and I'm going to write about them later.
I spoke at my Grandmas funeral. Then my cousin spoke. How weird was it for me to listen to someone else talk about how much they loved her? She was my grandma. My brother and sister and I called her Grandma. Now there was someone else calling her grandma. I was jealous. I admit it. It wasn't fair. They got to spend more time with her. But I realized that my grandma loved all of us the same. I could tell by the way they talked that she treated them the same. That made it better. I guess.
As far as Bossman and I, we are hanging in there. We aren't the same since I came back. Things are different. Maybe I'm different. I just want to get back to the way we were. It was good. Now it's not so good. But I have hope we will get better. Right now we just have to go through this. We will, I hope.
later.....
sadness
My grandma died yesterday. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. Everyone knows that death is coming, but somehow you never think it's going to happen to you. Or to someone you love. I can't believe shes gone. She was such a great lady. She was beautiful. I can only hope to be a beautiful as she was when I'm that age. She was fiesty. And onry. She was not afraid to tell it like it is. She was hard working. She was generous and strong and most of all, she was loved.
I never thought I would have to say goodbye to her. She was the type of person you just thought would be around forever. But she's gone. And somehow I have to say goodbye.
I remember when she came to visit us once, the wildchild was about 3 or 4 at the time. I took the wildchild with me to meet her at the park where they were having a dog show. The wildchild loved to wear lipstick, even when she was 3. So she was wearing bright red lipstick that my MIL had given her to play with. My grandma saw that lipstick and she very matter-of-factly, took some tissue and started wiping it off. But while she was wiping it, she was telling the wildchild that it was just a little too bright, and she was just "fixing" it. I laugh when I think about that day, for my daughter, being ever the polite little girl that she is, didn't say anything until my grandma was out of earshot, and then she said, "MOM, she wiped ALL my lipstick off!" I just chuckled and promised she could put more on when she got in the car. That was such a great day!
My grandma died in the best way possible. She had a little shoulder pain, she went to the doctor, while she was in the waiting room, waiting for a test result, she passed out, and died of a heart attack. Just like that, she was gone. She wasn't sick. She didn't have much pain. She just left, just like that. But at least she wasn't wearing dirty underpants. Because she was such a beautiful lady, she always looked great, and I'm sure she was all fixed up for seeing the doctor. The nurse told my mom she looked beautiful. She was the most beautiful 82 year old grandmother and great-grandmother around.
I loved her, and I will miss her. She was one of a kind.
I love you Grandma!
later.........
I never thought I would have to say goodbye to her. She was the type of person you just thought would be around forever. But she's gone. And somehow I have to say goodbye.
I remember when she came to visit us once, the wildchild was about 3 or 4 at the time. I took the wildchild with me to meet her at the park where they were having a dog show. The wildchild loved to wear lipstick, even when she was 3. So she was wearing bright red lipstick that my MIL had given her to play with. My grandma saw that lipstick and she very matter-of-factly, took some tissue and started wiping it off. But while she was wiping it, she was telling the wildchild that it was just a little too bright, and she was just "fixing" it. I laugh when I think about that day, for my daughter, being ever the polite little girl that she is, didn't say anything until my grandma was out of earshot, and then she said, "MOM, she wiped ALL my lipstick off!" I just chuckled and promised she could put more on when she got in the car. That was such a great day!
My grandma died in the best way possible. She had a little shoulder pain, she went to the doctor, while she was in the waiting room, waiting for a test result, she passed out, and died of a heart attack. Just like that, she was gone. She wasn't sick. She didn't have much pain. She just left, just like that. But at least she wasn't wearing dirty underpants. Because she was such a beautiful lady, she always looked great, and I'm sure she was all fixed up for seeing the doctor. The nurse told my mom she looked beautiful. She was the most beautiful 82 year old grandmother and great-grandmother around.
I loved her, and I will miss her. She was one of a kind.
I love you Grandma!
later.........
feelings
Feelings are tough for me. I have a hard time saying how I feel. Frankly I have a hard time even knowing what I feel at times. I often wonder if this is normal, or if I'm somehow emotionally deformed. So, the consequence is, Bossman never knows how I feel about stuff. I'm getting better at telling him things, but it's still really hard for me. There are these times when I just feel out of sorts, and I want to be left alone, but bless his heart, that's when he wants to comfort me. Then comes the conversation:
B: What's the matter
m: Nothing
B: Somthings wrong...what is it?
m: Nothing
I hate this conversation, yet I don't know how to get away from it. Because sometimes I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm thinking this has to do with hormones...those stupid woman things that push all our buttons at the same time and leave us feeling....confused.
So we are still doing the spankings. It's funny but they somehow make me feel....hhmmm...I'm going to try and say how I feel here.....they make me feel....safe. yes, safe seems like the word I'm looking for.
Funny how these things go, because at night, there are times when I wish we would skip the whole thing, but on the weekends when he doesn't spank, I feel....empty.
Something must be wrong with me, how can this be? How can one feel safe after spankings and empty without? That doesn't even make sense to me, but that's how it is.
later.............
B: What's the matter
m: Nothing
B: Somthings wrong...what is it?
m: Nothing
I hate this conversation, yet I don't know how to get away from it. Because sometimes I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm thinking this has to do with hormones...those stupid woman things that push all our buttons at the same time and leave us feeling....confused.
So we are still doing the spankings. It's funny but they somehow make me feel....hhmmm...I'm going to try and say how I feel here.....they make me feel....safe. yes, safe seems like the word I'm looking for.
Funny how these things go, because at night, there are times when I wish we would skip the whole thing, but on the weekends when he doesn't spank, I feel....empty.
Something must be wrong with me, how can this be? How can one feel safe after spankings and empty without? That doesn't even make sense to me, but that's how it is.
later.............
The good life
What exactly is the good life? Everybody seems to have their own opinion about the good life really is. My opinion is that the good life is when everyone is healthy, you bills are paid, and your cars can get you from one place to another without breaking down. I suppose having a full stomach is nice too.
Why is this world so worry about how much stuff they have? I don't need to have a big screen tv, and big SUV or fancy vacations to make me happy. All I need is some time on the beach. I really love the beach. I love the smell, I love the wind, I love feeling the sand between my toes. Watching the waves and looking out into the vastness of the ocean really puts perspective in my life. The ocean is so big that it makes my problems seem alot smaller.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind having the SUV or the big screen, but hey, I can be happy without all that stuff.
The nightly spankings continue, and I think Bossman likes doing it. This makes me very happy. I hate feeling like he's doing something just to please me, I want it to be something we both enjoy. I'm still working on all my issues surrounding the whole spanking thing, but over all it seems to be a good thing. Hopefully this will continue...
later........
Why is this world so worry about how much stuff they have? I don't need to have a big screen tv, and big SUV or fancy vacations to make me happy. All I need is some time on the beach. I really love the beach. I love the smell, I love the wind, I love feeling the sand between my toes. Watching the waves and looking out into the vastness of the ocean really puts perspective in my life. The ocean is so big that it makes my problems seem alot smaller.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind having the SUV or the big screen, but hey, I can be happy without all that stuff.
The nightly spankings continue, and I think Bossman likes doing it. This makes me very happy. I hate feeling like he's doing something just to please me, I want it to be something we both enjoy. I'm still working on all my issues surrounding the whole spanking thing, but over all it seems to be a good thing. Hopefully this will continue...
later........
Update
So, the little guy started 1st grade today! I'm officially home alone...and it's WEIRD! What the heck am I suppose to do with myself? I'm looking around, and all I can see is...I need to CLEAN!! My house is a wreck...so I need to clean and clean good. That isn't exactly what I had in mind while the children are in school, and since I'm typing this instead of cleaning, you can see I'm really excited at that prospect. *sigh*
Bossman is really the best husband ever. The comment that he made in a previous blog, just proves it. I read that and cried. I love you Bossman, and I'm yours forever!
The spankings continue, they are not really too bad, so my butt is surviving. Plus he's given me the weekends off. So lucky for me things are fine.
I feel I should talk about the severity of the "punishments". I don't feel like I'm actually punished, at least not right now, because we are doing it every night. But I like knowing that it's going to happen. I feel like Bossman is still very hesitate to spank too hard, because he doesn't want to hurt me. Now don't get me wrong, he spanks hard enough to get my attention, believe me, he's got my attention, but is it enough to keep me from wanting to change my behavior? That's a tough one to answer. I haven't actually felt it was enough. But I hesitate to say that, because that's like digging my own grave. I don't really want it worse, but...well...I don't know how to finish that.....
So I'll leave it like this. Things are great right now, and I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful husband that is willing to do anything to make me happy! Who can ask for more than that?
later..........
Bossman is really the best husband ever. The comment that he made in a previous blog, just proves it. I read that and cried. I love you Bossman, and I'm yours forever!
The spankings continue, they are not really too bad, so my butt is surviving. Plus he's given me the weekends off. So lucky for me things are fine.
I feel I should talk about the severity of the "punishments". I don't feel like I'm actually punished, at least not right now, because we are doing it every night. But I like knowing that it's going to happen. I feel like Bossman is still very hesitate to spank too hard, because he doesn't want to hurt me. Now don't get me wrong, he spanks hard enough to get my attention, believe me, he's got my attention, but is it enough to keep me from wanting to change my behavior? That's a tough one to answer. I haven't actually felt it was enough. But I hesitate to say that, because that's like digging my own grave. I don't really want it worse, but...well...I don't know how to finish that.....
So I'll leave it like this. Things are great right now, and I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful husband that is willing to do anything to make me happy! Who can ask for more than that?
later..........
Saying No
I hate saying no to someone. It's just not in my nature. I like helping people, I hate for people to be mad at me, and so I think if I say no, they will be mad. So I hate saying no.
That being said, my MIL asked us if they could move in with us. This may seem like an innocent request, but my IL's are not normal people. Also, the house is not big enough. So, we had to say no. But I can't help but feel bad that we had to say no. I know if we let them, I'd probably kill myself, or someone else, so I know it was the right decision, but I still can't let go of the guilt.
I grew up with very little family around us. I didn't have aunts or uncles or cousins, and my grandparents only came to visit once a year. So I think it's cool to have alot of family. My husband's family is a little bigger, but they are NOT normal. The put the "fun" in dysfuncional. I used to be very close with my MIL. But she has gotten really bad in her old age...about everything. She's sick all the time, she's hateful, and she's just not a nice person. Being around her gives me a stomach ache. So living with us is not an option for her. ( What the heck was she thinking?)
I don't even know where to go with the rest of this, so I'll stop for now.
later...
That being said, my MIL asked us if they could move in with us. This may seem like an innocent request, but my IL's are not normal people. Also, the house is not big enough. So, we had to say no. But I can't help but feel bad that we had to say no. I know if we let them, I'd probably kill myself, or someone else, so I know it was the right decision, but I still can't let go of the guilt.
I grew up with very little family around us. I didn't have aunts or uncles or cousins, and my grandparents only came to visit once a year. So I think it's cool to have alot of family. My husband's family is a little bigger, but they are NOT normal. The put the "fun" in dysfuncional. I used to be very close with my MIL. But she has gotten really bad in her old age...about everything. She's sick all the time, she's hateful, and she's just not a nice person. Being around her gives me a stomach ache. So living with us is not an option for her. ( What the heck was she thinking?)
I don't even know where to go with the rest of this, so I'll stop for now.
later...
Back to school
Since when did I have a child old enough for high school? I'm feeling very old and flustered that my child is actually about to start high school. I can remember starting high school, and it seems like yesterday. Wow, only 4 years until she graduates. (well I hope!) How is this possible? Time seems to be passing me by and a great rate of speed.
Ok, Bossman seems to be taking this whole d/d a step further. This is fine with me, but it's HARD. I want to be submissive. I feel submissive. But actually being submissive....that is hard. I haven't really wrote much about this subject, but I feel the time has come to express my feelings on this.
I really want Bossman to be the head of the house. That doesn't mean I want him bossing me around, and lucky for me, he isn't that way. But I would like to be held accountable for the things I do, or don't do. Does that make me weird? How weird is it to want to be held accountable for things? Is there such thing as a d/d relationship where the couples are still a team, but yet the husband is the head? Maybe that's just to opposite to make any sense.
I've read some interesting blogs about people that are in d/d relationships and they really seem to work. Which is what I wish we could be like. But then I read a blog and this couple tried d/d and at first they seemed really happy with it, but then it fell apart, and now they are much happier without it.
Is is just that I want to be spanked, or that I want the whole package? Maybe I don't really want the d/d, I just want the spanking part of it. But in order for me to justify the spanking, there has to be some sort of reason. Otherwise I feel too weird. Am I suppose to like spanking? There seems to be alot of people that like it...but I feel like it's wrong, so I have to make it right...right? Oh I don't know, if I can't explain it to myself, how can I explain it to Bossman?
So, Bossman has made it known that he's going to spank me everynight before bed. Believe it or not I look forward to this. Secretly, it turns me on just thinking about it all day. In reality, I feel ashamed that I like it. When the times comes I feel just like a kid. Again, I kinda like that. The spanking itself isn't really what turns me on. It's the whole package. I like my husband being dominate. That, in itself, really turns me on. Even though I've been reading about this stuff for years, I still can't explain it. I guess I'll just enjoy it, and stop trying to analyze it.
later......
Ok, Bossman seems to be taking this whole d/d a step further. This is fine with me, but it's HARD. I want to be submissive. I feel submissive. But actually being submissive....that is hard. I haven't really wrote much about this subject, but I feel the time has come to express my feelings on this.
I really want Bossman to be the head of the house. That doesn't mean I want him bossing me around, and lucky for me, he isn't that way. But I would like to be held accountable for the things I do, or don't do. Does that make me weird? How weird is it to want to be held accountable for things? Is there such thing as a d/d relationship where the couples are still a team, but yet the husband is the head? Maybe that's just to opposite to make any sense.
I've read some interesting blogs about people that are in d/d relationships and they really seem to work. Which is what I wish we could be like. But then I read a blog and this couple tried d/d and at first they seemed really happy with it, but then it fell apart, and now they are much happier without it.
Is is just that I want to be spanked, or that I want the whole package? Maybe I don't really want the d/d, I just want the spanking part of it. But in order for me to justify the spanking, there has to be some sort of reason. Otherwise I feel too weird. Am I suppose to like spanking? There seems to be alot of people that like it...but I feel like it's wrong, so I have to make it right...right? Oh I don't know, if I can't explain it to myself, how can I explain it to Bossman?
So, Bossman has made it known that he's going to spank me everynight before bed. Believe it or not I look forward to this. Secretly, it turns me on just thinking about it all day. In reality, I feel ashamed that I like it. When the times comes I feel just like a kid. Again, I kinda like that. The spanking itself isn't really what turns me on. It's the whole package. I like my husband being dominate. That, in itself, really turns me on. Even though I've been reading about this stuff for years, I still can't explain it. I guess I'll just enjoy it, and stop trying to analyze it.
later......
10 things I'd like to change about my life
1. I would lose 25lbs. (ok, I could probably do that, but it's just sooooo hard!)
2. I would try to be more patient with my kids. (especially my wildchild)
3. I would go back to school. Make something out of my life.
4. I would keep my house cleaner.
5. I would organize my life better
6. I would hug my bossman more
7. I wouldn't be so afraid to try new things.
8. I would laugh more
9. I wouldn't sweat the small stuff
10. I'd be more outgoing
Well, after working on the list for awhile, and re-reading it a bunch of times, it seems to be I could probably change most of these, if not all of these, things in my life. I guess I need to get busy.
later...........
2. I would try to be more patient with my kids. (especially my wildchild)
3. I would go back to school. Make something out of my life.
4. I would keep my house cleaner.
5. I would organize my life better
6. I would hug my bossman more
7. I wouldn't be so afraid to try new things.
8. I would laugh more
9. I wouldn't sweat the small stuff
10. I'd be more outgoing
Well, after working on the list for awhile, and re-reading it a bunch of times, it seems to be I could probably change most of these, if not all of these, things in my life. I guess I need to get busy.
later...........
Summer time blues
Ahhh, the joy of summer. The joy of having the kids home from school. (not) I just wish it was time for school to start again because I'm sick of having to entertain the little darlings.
The wildchild is starting highschool. This is scary. Last year was a mess. Lets just say, she is not really the "studious" type. Although I'm anxious for school to start again, I am not ready to worry about her and her grades.
I'm finding it hard to believe that I am old enough to have a highschooler. I am not old. But I can remember being my daughters age and thinking my mom was old. Arrggghh. What happened to me? I wasn't suppose to grow old.
Ok, so I've covered the kids, and now I'm up to the Bossman. We are so into this up and down stuff and getting rather tired of it. Why can't we just stay up for awhile? Up is nice, up is fun, up is happy! We have these cycles where we can be perfectly happy and in love, and everything is roses but then the next day we can be totally annoyed and not-so-happy with each other.
I wonder if I'm the only one that gets sick of being touched all the time? Does this make me a bad person? Because I feel bad that I'm not so lovey dovey. I feel like something is wrong with me. There are times when I'm changing my clothes that if Bossman is heading my direction I feel like hiding. And really what is so wrong with him coping a feel? There should be nothing wrong with that in the world. I should be happy that after 15 years of marriage my husband still wants to touch me. Others in the world should be so lucky. So why do I not feel so lucky? And I consider myself a sexual person. Maybe I'm just wishing I was a sexual person. Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm sexual, but really I'm not.
Sometimes I wonder if the way I perceive myself is not really the way I am. Maybe I just perceive myself the way I wish I was. Maybe I'm not sexual at all. I just wish I was. So I think I am. I think I'm a nice person, maybe I'm not.
There are certain things I want in my life. I'd like my husband to be more aggressive with me. I want him to be in control so I don't have to be. I don't like making decisions, I'd rather he made the decisions. I like the thought of being submissive. But am I really submissive? I ask myself this stuff everyday, and yet I can't figure it out.
I love being spanked. Ok, I take that back, I love the thought of being spanked. Actually being spanked....hhhmmm...I would say that sometimes I really like it, and sometimes I don't. I am so turned on by the thought of discipline and spanking, but reality is so much different than fantasy. This whole thing confuses me, and therefore I think it confuses Bossman.
I've been thinking alot about the past. The first time I met Bossman, the first time he kissed me. When we got married we were just kids. We didn't know what we were going to do with our lives, we were just happy to be living. Now things are so much more complicated. Kids, jobs, cars, money. We didn't really worry about all that back then, I mean who does? And although I would love to go back to that, I would only go back if I could take the knowledge I have with me. Because even though we have alot more stress and worry in our life, we are so much more in love now. We know so much more about each other. We've figured out that we can tell each other stuff, and it's ok. Although we've been married 15 years, with 3 years of dating before that, I believe that we have just come across all this wisedom about ourselves in the last 3 years. So it took 15 years to get to this point in our lives. It's no wonder that so many marriages fail. Maybe some people just can't wait that long. I just so grateful that we made it this far. I'm so looking forward to the future. I love my kids, but I'm really looking forward to the day when Bossman and I can be alone. Alone........what is that like?
later.......
Stupid is as stupid does
Stupid stupid stupid, how stupid is the world? I'm so sick of all the stupid people in the world. And furthermore....how do you live in a country where you don't speak the language, and not even no simple words?
Sample conversation, I have this one at least once a day.
Me: Are you turning in film to be developed?
them: Yea
Me: Would you like one-hour or regular service?
them: yes (while nodding head)
Me: Ok...umm, one-hour?
them: yes (still nodding)
Me: Ok, can I have your last name?
them: yes (still nodding)
Me: last name?
them: yes (while STILL NODDING THEIR HEAD!)
~sigh~ LEARN my language PLEASE!
Can I just say, nombre and name, sound a lot alike...so why do they not understand? telephono and telephone number, also sound a lot alike. WHAT is the problem? Is is me, or is it everyone else?
Ok, that's the end of my rant! I'm just so tired of stupid people!
Now back to your regular broadcasting......
later
Sample conversation, I have this one at least once a day.
Me: Are you turning in film to be developed?
them: Yea
Me: Would you like one-hour or regular service?
them: yes (while nodding head)
Me: Ok...umm, one-hour?
them: yes (still nodding)
Me: Ok, can I have your last name?
them: yes (still nodding)
Me: last name?
them: yes (while STILL NODDING THEIR HEAD!)
~sigh~ LEARN my language PLEASE!
Can I just say, nombre and name, sound a lot alike...so why do they not understand? telephono and telephone number, also sound a lot alike. WHAT is the problem? Is is me, or is it everyone else?
Ok, that's the end of my rant! I'm just so tired of stupid people!
Now back to your regular broadcasting......
later
Antsy
I'm feeling antsy. I have no other way to describe it, it's just antsy.
I was listening to the radio the other night on my way home from work and the song was about the south. It reminded me of some of the places I lived as a girl. Georgia and Kentucky to be specific. Anyway, I'm so itchy to go somewhere new, somewhere different, someplace other than here.
Although I'm happy with Bossman and the kids, I can't help but feel discontented. Am I discontented with my job? Or am I just getting cabin fever, doing the same things everyday, without changing? Maybe I'm just in a rut. I still wish I could move somewhere far away, but I think that's just me wanting to run away from life and it's problems. I think I need to make some changes, and quick.
Could this be why I'm suddenly in the mood to redecorate everything I see? I have this urge to by all new things, and move everything around. Problem is, this house is so small, things can really only be placed one way, and that's it. So my room has to be one way, and I can't do anything else with it. So instead I'm buying all new linens. That will be a change...right? right? ~sigh~ Will I ever be happy?
later........
I was listening to the radio the other night on my way home from work and the song was about the south. It reminded me of some of the places I lived as a girl. Georgia and Kentucky to be specific. Anyway, I'm so itchy to go somewhere new, somewhere different, someplace other than here.
Although I'm happy with Bossman and the kids, I can't help but feel discontented. Am I discontented with my job? Or am I just getting cabin fever, doing the same things everyday, without changing? Maybe I'm just in a rut. I still wish I could move somewhere far away, but I think that's just me wanting to run away from life and it's problems. I think I need to make some changes, and quick.
Could this be why I'm suddenly in the mood to redecorate everything I see? I have this urge to by all new things, and move everything around. Problem is, this house is so small, things can really only be placed one way, and that's it. So my room has to be one way, and I can't do anything else with it. So instead I'm buying all new linens. That will be a change...right? right? ~sigh~ Will I ever be happy?
later........
Convenience or commitment?
Deep down I realize, I'm loved. But somehow I feel I don't deserve it. Why does this happen? How does one accept that they are loved and deserve to be loved?
Bossman is so incredible to me. We had a wonderful heart to heart the other night, and I keep running all the things he said through my mind, trying to process what he said, and how it all makes me feel.
See, I have this theory that I was just a convenience for him and that he could do so much better than I, if I just wasn't in the way. Well, Bossman doesn't see it that way. (thank god)
Isn't it funny I could say all that, but not think I have low self esteem? But really, I like myself ok, and I think I'm a great person, I just feel like I'm holding him back.
I really need to work on that.
later.........
Bossman is so incredible to me. We had a wonderful heart to heart the other night, and I keep running all the things he said through my mind, trying to process what he said, and how it all makes me feel.
See, I have this theory that I was just a convenience for him and that he could do so much better than I, if I just wasn't in the way. Well, Bossman doesn't see it that way. (thank god)
Isn't it funny I could say all that, but not think I have low self esteem? But really, I like myself ok, and I think I'm a great person, I just feel like I'm holding him back.
I really need to work on that.
later.........
future
Today was a good day. It's one of those days when you could clearly see the future, and you realize, things will be ok.
When life has you down, you can't help but see all the negatives. It's hard to think about the future because your so self consumed with the here and now. So today was one of the days when even though things are still in turmoil, you can clearly see the future, and you realize, wow, things will get better.
The wildchild has taken a trip to Disneyland. She earned enough money to take a 3 day trip to Disney. Her best friend went with her. Talked to her today and she seems like she's having a good time.
Life keeps humming along!
later........
When life has you down, you can't help but see all the negatives. It's hard to think about the future because your so self consumed with the here and now. So today was one of the days when even though things are still in turmoil, you can clearly see the future, and you realize, wow, things will get better.
The wildchild has taken a trip to Disneyland. She earned enough money to take a 3 day trip to Disney. Her best friend went with her. Talked to her today and she seems like she's having a good time.
Life keeps humming along!
later........
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)