Love our Lurkers!

Welcome to my blog.

Thanks so much for taking the time to come and read my nonsense!  I've been blogging here for a very long time.  I've had my ups and downs on this blog and a lot of you have been here.  I really appreciate the time you take to leave me messages or to email me.  It doesn't matter what name you use or even if you don't use any name.  Just the fact that you are thinking of me at that moment is good enough!

Thank you readers!  Thank you lurkers!  

If you feel comfortable...leave a message!  I'd love to hear from you!

Someone posted these old ads on Facebook and I just don't know what to think of them.

Well, I mostly think they are funny!!!!

Love you all,  xoxo

grace

one step forward

Things are looking up in graceland.  We are trying really hard to just be more loving to each other and not be so upset all the time.

It's a small step, but it's working so far.  This past weekend we had pictures done of the two of us.  We were suppose to do them for our 25th anniversary, but we never got around to it.  I guess 6 months late isn't too bad!

Anyway, we got them done and they turned out great.  There is one where we are looking into each others eyes with our foreheads pressed together and by golly, we look like we love each other!

I don't think we have any pics like that of us and frankly, that picture makes me smile every single time I look at it. I'd show it to you all, but then I'd have to kill you all and that is just so much time and money and work.

In other news, my favorite red-head is coming home tomorrow! He hasn't been home since August 10th!  I've missed that kid!  I did get to see him a couple of weeks ago when we went up to watch him play football.  He's a stud.  Everyone up there at his school just loves him and I'm so glad we sent him up there.  I've stocked the friger (as he used to call the refrigerator) with all his favorite foods and although he's only going to be here 5 days, my cupboards will be bare when he leaves!  But I don't mind that at all!

This weekend I went with my daughter and the bridesmaids and maid of honor to pick out their dresses for the wedding.  They are beautiful!  I had a little run in with the manager there and my momma bear claws had to come out.  See, my daughter used to work at this bridle store.  Now when we got there, we had an appointment so it's not like we just barged in or anything.  Seems while the maid of honor was getting changed, she and another of the girls over heard this manager talking about my daughter in a not-so-nice tone to another associate that works there.  I didn't hear it, so I don't know what was said, but my daughter was UPSET!  Now if there is one thing I've learned about brides it's....DON'T upset them!  They are the center of the world and you must treat them as such!

So, after we got the dresses we wanted, I had to pay for one, so I sent them all outside and then I got the manager to the side and had a discussion with her!  She claims she wasn't being rude, but the fact remains that my daughter was upset.  And I told her so!

It was very exciting and it's good to know that my momma bear skills are still there!

Well there is just one thing missing from this post.  Spanking!

HE knows I need one.  I know I need one.  But all he does is talk about it.

In his defense, he's been busy, busy, busy so there hasn't been much time, but golly I would sure like there to be some time.  A nice stingy butt is really all this gal needs!

That and a pair of shoes to go with my pretty pretty dress!

more advice please!

Bossman and I are having a bit of a rough go at things lately.  Seems we just can't get on the same page about anything.

This is affecting our marriage.  We are still at the place where we realize we don't have that much in common and so we don't know how to handle things.

We need things to do together.  More importantly, we need some ideas for spicing up the sex life.

Yes, anal is still on the back burner.  But I need ideas on getting out of the rut, before I try something like anal.

I want to know what you and your other half do together.  You know, on a daily basis.  Do you just watch TV?  Do you take walks, play games....what do you DO?

We are trying to watch our weight, so we haven't been going out to eat as much.  We seem to spend a lot of time just watching TV in the evenings.  Or, I go in one room and watch my shows and he goes in the other and plays on the computer.  It's just so frustrating!

Besides what you do in the evenings....what do you do to spice things up in the bedroom?  I know that seems like a silly question, coming from someone that likes spanking.  You'd think spanking would spice things enough.

But our sex life has become bland.  It's boring.  It's the same ole' thing.

So...give me your best ideas for spicing it up.  Candles? Oils?

I don't even know where to begin!

more wedding stuff

Interesting how life is.

When your kid is a baby, you know everything.  You are a hero and you can do no wrong.  Once they become teens....oh, well you know NOTHING.  You are a loser and you are old and dumb.

Suddenly they become adult.  They are at least willing to listen to you, even if they don't agree with you.

When my daughter got engaged, one of the first things she did was start looking for a venue.  She lives about 2 hours from me, so she said she wanted to get married somewhere down by where she lives.

Ok.....

BUT, all her bridesmaids and friends are HERE!  (her grooms family and friends are from the east coast)

I didn't say anything.  I just let her go look.  Looking isn't that fun when its just you and him and nobody to help.  I gently told her that getting married up here might be a better choice because we are all here and because her daddy knows a LOT of people in this town and we could probably get some great discounts.

NO mom.  I don't want to get married there!

HHmmmmm.....

After about a month or two, she finally decided that MAYBE she would like to come and look at venues in our area.  We have some beautiful vineyards around our parts so she wanted to look at those.  Bossman has some contacts in that industry so maybe a discount could be had.

BUT, there is one very, very nice hotel in our town.  Johnny Depp stayed in this hotel.  Shirley Temple stayed in this hotel.  It's got a beautiful garden.  AND, Bossman is good friends with the owner.  Again I say....DISCOUNT!

Daughter says...."No, NO, NO!" "Mom, we are NOT getting married in that hotel.  (Mind you, she has only seen the outside and never saw the gardens.)

We go and view some vineyards.  Very nice...very expensive!

Finally she says, "can we go look at the hotel, because the grooms family is probably going to stay there."

We go and have a tour.

Now, Bossman and I are letting the Bride and Groom talk to the tour guide.  We are meandering through the gardens, looking at the flowers, even stopping to take some pictures.  We aren't keeping up with the little tour, we are just enjoying....until I hear....

"DAMN!  I hate when my mom is always right!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!  That, my friends, was music to my ears!

So the wedding is being held at the hotel and YES....Yes, we did get a GREAT discount!

mother of the bride

Before I jump into wedding stuff, I just have to say that nothing anal has happened yet.

I got so many responses!  I appreciated each and every one of them.  I got comments and I got emails. I forwarded Bossman the emails and he read all the comments on my blog.  Thank you for all the advice.  We plan on trying some of the suggestions, but the timing has been off for us so we haven't pursued it. YET!  We will.  But with anal, you know, you gotta be in the mood!

In other news....my daughter is getting married.  I know I already told you all, but I've been so horrible at blogging that I thought I would remind you. As much as I'd like to think I'm on the top of all your thoughts, I'm sure you have other things to think about besides me and my daughters wedding.

The planning is going well....thanks for asking!  I know I said she was bridezilla, but she really has been good about everything.  That's because I've learned to NOT give my opinion and to like everything she likes!  YES, it's going great! HA!

We've secured the venue.  We've secured a photographer.  We've purchased the wedding gown.  See, things are progressing.  AND, costing a fortune!  Luckily I only have one daughter!

Couple of weeks ago, we went down to visit her and the fiance.  We decided to head to a bridal shop in her area, as she lives in a much bigger city than I do.  We went in looking for veils.  We spent a lot of time looking at the veils and we found the perfect one.  As we were heading to the front to pay, my daughter says we should look at dress for me.  Now?  Nah, I'm not in the mood to look at dress for me, besides, the wedding is still 9 months away.  Come ON, MOM!  Lets do it...please?

So we look at dresses.  She finds one she likes and asks me to try it on.  GAH!  NO! NO! NO!

So I try it on.

There is no mirror in the dressing room....stupid!  So I have to come out.  I think it looks ok, but I'm thinking it's a little much.

I walk out and my daughter just stares at me.  THEN...I see tears shining in her eyes and she LOVES it.

Guess who bought a dress?

The first and only dress I tried on.  I have to admit...I look pretty darn good in that dress.  Pretty hot for a mother of the bride!

So, I need fashion help.  I need shoes!  Not silver shoes, although I think silver would look good, my daughter says no to silver.

So I need shoes and they can't be HIGH because I'm 5'10 and I don't want to tower over everyone.

Anyway, here's the dress...

What do you think?

anal, yes or no?

Thank you all for the comments on my last post.  It seems as if we are all going through something right now in our relationships.  My man-child is going back to school this Sunday, so I'm hoping a little alone time will get us out of our funk.

I'm also hoping to convince him to spank me.  I mean really, is that too much to ask?

So a friend suggested....Ok, it was PK!  She suggested that one way to get in a more submissive state of mind was to try anal. More specifically, she suggested a butt plug.

I've always been fascinated with anal.  It's definitely a turn on for me.  Problem is, we haven't had much success in this area.  I get too afraid and tense up.  It's just such a different feeling and it makes me nervous.

Trust me, we've done all the things you should do, lots of lube, fingers first...you know, all that stuff. I just can't help it, it makes me nervous and I start sweating and it's just NOT good!

I want it to be good...I really, really, want it to be good.

So, what am I doing wrong?  Is there something else I can try?

 Also, any butt plug suggestions?  I'm thinking I would like to try one but it's really hard to shop for one online....who can tell how big or how small online?  What should I look for in a good plug? Shapes and sizes...I just don't know!

I would appreciate some suggestions!

Anally challenged,
grace

problems? I got them.

If you've read here for any length of time, you know that I hate dirty laundry.  Really, I hate laundry period.  So it's natural that I wouldn't want to air my dirty laundry. That's not to say that I don't...I mean, I've told you all when there are problems.  But it makes me uncomfortable to admit it.

Part of the problem is, I don't want us to look bad.  Maybe if I don't tell you there are problems...they won't exist.

Yeah....I tried that....it doesn't work.

When you are having troubles, lets say it's your marriage, do you admit it to people?  Do you have a special friend that you can vent too?

Let's just say I'm really mad at Bossman.  Trust me, it could happen.  Anyway, I'm really mad at him and I need to vent.  I call my best girl friend up and tell her all my troubles.  I tell her all the stuff that's bugging me about Bossman.  Problem is, I don't want her to look at Bossman the wrong way.  I don't want anyone to think bad things about him.  Because we WILL make things right and I don't want the bad stuff to be in her mind.

We all have troubles, none of us are perfect.  So if I'm having trouble with Bossman or in our marriage, that doesn't mean I hate Bossman.  And...it doesn't mean you should hate him either.

On the outside, people think we are the perfect couple.

I like that they think that.  But I also wonder...does that make me a fraud?

But, I've realized something.

We are the perfect couple.  Perfect couples have problems too.  If we didn't have problems, I'd be worried.

Speaking of problems....I'm just gonna talk about it here.  Please don't think bad of Bossman, or me for that matter.  We are just two people trying to work things out.

Bossman and I are in two different places in our life right now.  Now that the kids are mostly gone, we find that we don't have that much in common.  Actually, we don't have anything in common.  The only common thing we had was the kids.  I'm a homebody.  Bossman is NOT!

Honestly, I'm writing all this, but I don't really even know what the problem is.  All I know is we are fighting almost every night.  Every night is a struggle because we start off talking and end in a big blow up.  It's stressing me out, causing me to not sleep and it's just exhausting.  Our blow ups are not about any specific thing.  Every night it's something new.  Not even big stuff, but it ends up being big stuff.  I say stupid things that don't need to be said, he says things that hurt my feelings.

It's just HARD!

And I just don't know what to do about it...

follow me

When you and your partner go to the store, who gets out of the car first?

Who follows who?

Are you the type of person that takes a few minutes to gather everything before you get out, or do you just jump right out?

This is one of Bossmans biggest pet peeves.  I go my own way.  He takes longer than I to get out of the car and I just jump right out.  I take the path of least resistance and he....well, he's behind me, so I don't know what path he takes.

He thinks I take the opposite path that he does, but honestly, I don't think about it, I just do it.  I just go.

So I've been trying to work on it.  I've been trying to wait for him, to walk next to him, to follow his path.

It's HARD!  Sometimes he's so SLOW! I have NO patience for slowness.

But...

Submissiveness comes in many forms.  This is just one of the many ways that I am NOT submissive.

It really does bug him though....

So.

I'm trying...

life lesson

I don't know about you, but for me, this sums up my spanking life.  Also, I think it's beginning to sum up the rest of my life.

There hasn't been much spanking going on.  Bossman and I have once again entered the land of disconnect.  It's not a pretty land, it's barren and cold.  It's ugly in this land.  Trying to get out of this land is like trying to climb up a slippery slide...you get part way up and and suddenly you are sliding down again.

Last week, the man-child went camping with friends and we were left home alone.  Bossman thought this might be the perfect time to get a spanking in.  While over his knee, he started telling me things that had been on his mind.  Things that were bugging him.

A normal person probably wouldn't have thought that this was a good time to argue.  Nobody has ever accused me of being normal.

Of course I started arguing.  He stopped the spanking to listen to me and although I had valid reasons for my actions, he didn't really care.  See, it didn't matter what the reasons were....he was hurt by what I had done.

I see that now, but at the time, I just wanted to have my side heard and mostly, I wanted to be RIGHT!

I had a very good reason, but that didn't stop Bossman for being hurt.  I couldn't see that at the time, and I certainly couldn't see that while he was spanking and then Bossman got frustrated and then....then we just stopped.

The spanking stopped, the talking stopped....everything just stopped.  Our nice little spanking session came to a screeching halt.

The next day, we talked and he said to tell him when I was ready to finish the spanking.  He knows how much I HATE telling him things like that.  I told him I was ready when he was, but he wasn't buying that.  He said I had to come to him and tell him that I was READY, this minute, to finish what we had started.

So, the next day, I told him I was ready.  AND...he finished what he started.  With the backscratcher.

But still....it wasn't the same.  I had ruined it.

I want so badly to be submissive.  But...I'm not. I want things to be like they are in my head.  Not just with spanking, but with everything.  Bossman told me that unless things are done the way I think they should be done, then I'm out.  I lose interest. I guess I need to think about that.  Is that true?  Is this how I truly am and I am just unwilling to admit it?

I think he's right.

But, I don't know how to fix it.

A little update...

Some of you might be wondering where I've been...

First we drove down THIS road...

Then we ended up in THIS state...

Then we saw THIS mama and baby...

Then we saw THIS hole in the ground...

Then we went to THIS state...

Then we saw THIS dam...(Hoover Dam)

Then we ended up in THIS small town...

Then we saw THIS out our hotel window...

Then I won THIS amount of money...(I started with 20.)

and then?  We came HOME!

So, that's how my summer is going...

How's yours?

The possibilities

I am finding it harder and harder to come and write.  I feel like there isn't much to write about.  There certainly isn't any spanking to talk about. (which sucks for me)


My birthday is next week.  I'm not sad about it.  I'll be 46.  Unfortunately, 46 is really getting close to 50.  That sounds weird to me.  I don't feel like I should be close to 50.  But I am.  It's just life.  I'm not going to worry about it.


My Grandma used to send me a birthday card every year.  She always sent a check with it.  I could always count on her to send it.  I loved getting that card.  It wasn't about the money, although getting money is always nice.  It was about the possibilities.  I would spend the weeks leading up to my birthday thinking of all the things I could do with the money.  Maybe I would spend it on new clothes, maybe some jewelry.  I would spend hours and hours just dreaming of things I could do with the money. 


When I became an adult, there were times I would have to use the money for bills, or diapers, or gas money.  But I still dreamed.  After a few years of having to spend it on stuff like that, Bossman and I came to an agreement that we would NOT use the money for bills or kids or whatever.  The person that received the money could use it for whatever they wanted.


As a mother, I admit....there were times I would still spend it on the kids.  I can't help it, I love seeing my kids happy.  But I would always spend at least some on me. 


My Grandma passed away a long time ago.  I want to say it was 2002, but it might have been 03.  Even though she passed so long ago, whenever my birthday rolls around I still find myself looking for that envelope, the one with her writing.  I even find myself dreaming about what I will spend my birthday money on, even though, nobody sends me money anymore. 


Honestly, I can go get whatever I want for my birthday.  But it's not the same. It's not the same as spending days and weeks dreaming and planning, knowing that your birthday wish will come true.


Although I'm not sad to be getting older...I am sad that the days of dreaming about my special day have passed.


I will always miss my Grandma and her cards.  I will miss the anticipation of that special day when I would be able to do something special because of Grandma.


Even though those days are gone.  I am so blessed to have such a great family and I know they will make my day special.


(They are in big trouble if they don't!)

The reset button

The little man is coming home from Europe this Friday! I can't wait to see that boy! He's had a wonderful time but there have been a few mishaps that makes a mamma worried. The biggest mishap? He lost his debit card. Oh MAN! I just knew something like this would happen. He's very lackadaisical about stuff. Luckily I was able to transfer money into someone else's account so he would have money. I mean, he still had a week to go, we couldn't leave him without money. It was a long 24 hours trying to figure that out! That boy needs to learn that mamma is too old for all this drama!

So...I've been thinking a lot about reset buttons. I know, seems like a weird thing to think about. BUT, it seems like Bossman and I are constantly in a state of flux. One minute we are fine, the next we are fussing. It occurred to me that it would be great if we could just have a reset button. Just push the button and everything starts over. There have been times I've said something and Bossman takes it the wrong way and BAM, fussing. There are times I take things the wrong way and BAM, fussing. All I want to do is take back anything I said that caused the problem. This is where the reset button could come in handy.

As I've pondered the reset button thought, I realized that spanking could be considered a reset button. There have been times when we are fussing and Bossman decides to spank and afterward I feel like things have been reset. I just wish I could make him understand that. I wish he understand how spanking could work in this relationship. Right now it feels like we start something good, but it fizzles real quick. There is NO consistency. We are good for a bit and then fall back into the same habits as before. Seriously, we need a reset button.

If only things could be as easy as a reset button. My relationship with Bossman would be a lot smoother.

A lot smoother...

life happenings

Life has been busy, busy, busy for us!

On March 12th, Bossman and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We planned a mini honeymoon at a hotel on the beach near our home. It was THE BEST!!! Our room overlooked the beach and ocean. We had a great view of the pier. Our room had a hottub on the balcony that overlooked the beach and the room also had a fireplace. It was lovely and romantic. We enjoyed it so much. Now I want to live on the beach. I want my house to be close enough that I can leave the door or window open and hear the ocean. Something to dream about!

Yesterday my little man left for a trip to Europe. About 40 kids from his school plus chaperones went on the trip. We went up to his school over the weekend so we could make sure he had everything he needed for his trip and so I could make sure he packed deodorant. Also, we hadn't seen him in a month and I really wanted to see him before he left. The night before he left he called and he sounded so nervous that it upset me. After we hung up I just started bawling my eyes out. What was I thinking letting my little man go to the other side of the world? Yesterday I was better and we talked to him right before he boarded the plane. He sounded happy and excited so I felt a little better. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep last night. He texted at 4am to tell us he landed in Paris. That my friends was 12 hours! I'm sure the hours were long for him, they were really long for ME! I finally got some sleep after that. He's going to be gone until the 28th. He is going to Switzerland, Italy, and France. It's such a wonderful opportunity for him and I'm excited for him. I just don't like hearing about missing planes the whole week leading up to his departure!

Speaking of my little man....did you know that my blog is 10 years old? That means when I started this lovely blog the little man was only 5. He was in kindergarten, he was NOT going to far off lands without me. The wild child was only in 8th grade. Now she's getting married. It's surreal. It's a whole lifetime ago.

This blog has meant so much to me. It's allowed me to say things that I can't say out loud. It's given me a place to talk about spanking and sex. It's let me talk about cancer and the fear that I couldn't say out loud. It's let me talk about loved ones that have passed on, relationships with my father that I didn't understand and childhood traumas that I have endured. And through it all you have been there. Whether you've been cheering me on, cheering me up, pointing out things that I hadn't thought of or just supporting me even when I'm a crazy person, you have all been there. I get feedback from all of you which makes me think about things in a way I may not of thought of myself. I've made friends here that I would never have met without this blog. Some of you I've met in real life and some I've just met through the blog and through email and even some on facebook. I cherish these friendships more than you know. Some of you are new and some have been around since the beginning. It doesn't matter. I read your comments and I smile, laugh, cry, or even change my opinion.

That is what this blog has been about....

and I love you guys for it!

Thanks for always being here!

Email change

I'm sorry I haven't been around! I could give you a bunch of excuses, but just saying I've been lazy sounds so.....ok fine....it sounds just like something I would say! Sadly, I have been lazy and I haven't gotten a spanking in a long time! So nothing much to write about. I do have a vague something floating around in my brain....maybe I can catch it long enough to write it down!

In the meantime, I wanted you to know that I changed my email address for this blog. I had the other one hacked or something and I couldn't fix it so it was easier to sign up with a news one! So any of you that has emailed me please change it to my new one. It's in the corner under profile.

Thanks! I promise I'll be back soon!

feelings

Thank you all for your good wishes and helpful suggestions regarding the wildchild and her engagement. Believe it or not, we went wedding dress shopping on Sunday and she found THE DRESS! I know...that seems early, but when you find the dress you have to jump on it. Plus, it helps that she used to work at the shop we went to, so she knew what to expect. It was great fun and I'm very happy for her. She plans on getting married close to where she lives, so it's up to her to get the venue and all that stuff. We've told her how much to expect from us and so she can go from there. I have to admit, when I first started this blog we did not have a lot of money. It sure felt nice to be able to shop with my daughter and not have to worry too much about the cost. I felt proud of that moment. My Mom was there and she has helped us out through the years and I really felt great that I didn't have to ask her for her help.

Ok, lets move on.

Feelings. So fragile. So strong. So emotional. So unpredictable. So messy. So hard to explain.

I've been struggling with things lately and I don't know how to express them to Bossman. I thought if I write them down it would be easier to process.

This isn't really anything new. I've been here before. It's not a surprise to be here again. I just wonder if there is a way to avoid these things. Maybe there is something I could do to stop things before they spin out of control.

Explaining it? Not so easy.

The other day Bossman and I were out shopping. Bossman wanted to stop at a gun store. (this is the part where I tell you that I don't want to hear about guns, good or bad. PLEASE!) So I have strong feelings about guns. I don't like them!!! End of discussion. I don't care how others feel, this is how I feel. Bossman likes guns. He's not a hunter or anything, but he likes shooting. The littleman likes airsoft, which if you don't know is like beebee guns but harder. Anyway, I don't like them. I can handle the airsoft guns that the little man has, as I know, freak accidents aside, that they won't kill.

So, I don't like guns. Bossman thinks that if I am around them I'll change my mind. So he wanted to stop at the store. "Please", he said. "just come in with me for a minute."

I said no, and then he pulled out the old, do it for me, line. "Fine" I said. But I won't like it.

And guess what? I DIDN'T like it! I hated it. I didn't want to look at them. I heard people shooting and I didn't like that. It was scary and I didn't like it.

So, why did I give in? Why can't I have those feelings? Bossman got mad at ME! NOT FAIR! I am allowed to feel that way. Maybe it's not a rational feeling, but it's my feeling. I know gun issues are a big part of our country's politics. I don't want to go there! If you, or Bossman, for that matter, want to like guns, want to shoot guns safely, be my guest. I am not trying to push an agenda onto anyone. I simply want to have my feelings and not feel like I let him down.

Is that so much to ask?

The other day Bossman came home and I wasn't wearing a bra under my shirt. He immediately tried to cop a feel. I immediately pulled away. The rest of the night? RUINED! Not in a fighting all night kind of way. More of a I stayed in one room and he stayed in the other. And he was grouchy with me. Usually he will cuddle in bed with me before I go to sleep and he didn't. He just left the room saying goodnight.

Am I not allowed to have feelings about this? This is why I rarely hang around my house without a bra. It's to avoid these situations. BUT, why does it have to be that way? Do you know that when I am changing my clothes, if he is around I try and make sure he is out of the room before I change my shirt? Or I take my nightshirt to the bathroom with me so I don't have to change in front of him. BECAUSE he will reach out and tweak.

Let's just be on Bossmans side for a minute. I get it. It shouldn't be a bad thing. He loves me and that is one of the ways he shows affection. BUT, he knows I don't like it.

I've talked about this before. So I hear your voices ringing in my ears with all the advice you've given through the years. But lets face it. I'm NEVER going to like it. Why can't we just move on from it? Why do I have to feel this way in my own home?

I think I just want my feelings validated. I feel like I'm not being heard. Every time I have a thought or opinion that doesn't match Bossman it causes problems. And what happens next?

I give in and go to the gun store.

So this happened....

Last week was probably the best week I've had in a really long time. I felt good, which was a plus. We went to Disneyland for 3 days, which was awesome. AND...

The wildchild got engaged at Disneyland!

Can you imagine? I was so honored and blessed that I was able to be there. Not very many parents get to be at the engagement. So awesome!

We knew it was going to happen. Her boyfriend, I'll call him The Saint. Seriously, anyone that wants to marry the wildchild is a saint... Anyway, the Saint called Bossman a couple of weeks ago to ask for our blessing. Bossman gave him a talk on taking care of our baby and all that stuff and of course, he gave our blessings. The Saint said he wanted to propose at Disney while we were all there. The wildchild is a Disney FREAK. She's been to Disney at least 30 times and she's only 23. She knows all the secrets and throughout our day she would tell us Disney fun facts. Her very favorite thing is called the World of Color. It's a water show that is done at the end of the night in California Adventure park. She loves it so much and couldn't wait for me to see it. All day long she kept talking about the world of color. Little did she know that the Saint was going to propose right before it started. 5 minutes before the show, he gets down on one knee and asks. She doesn't know what's happening. Bossman yells to the crowd...there's a proposal happening here, and then....she said yes! Then I yelled to the crowd, she said YES! THEN...the crowd cheered! We had bought her mouse ears with a veil on it and the littleman gave it to her to wear. It was so cool!

Having my whole family together on such a special night was just the BEST!

We were all happy for her and we are so happy with the Saint. He is a great guy and since he puts up with the wildchild and all her drama, well, I am doubly glad for that.

All I ask now is that you pray for me and Bossman. We now have to try and plan a wedding with Bridzilla and we have to pay for it!

spanking saved the day

Has this month seemed long, or is it just me?  I find it hard to believe it's still January.  Barely January, but still.

I think it's because we took down our Christmas stuff early this year!  We had most of the house undecorated before the 1st, which was very early for us.

It's been a quiet month without kids.  Bossman and I have tried to get back into a routine around here.  I don't want to say much about my stupid health stuff because...boring...but every week has been some sort of problem.  That always puts a hamper on things. 

Luckily, we have found some time to connect again.  And YES, there has been some spanking. (PK, quit looking at me....I'm getting to it already!!!!!)

Because of my issues, I tend to get rather lazy.  Maybe lazy isn't quite the word I'd use, but I slack off some.  Now, sometimes it's just the way it's gonna be, I will have off days and Bossman and I have come to understand that it will happen and it's ok.  BUT, there are plenty of good days!  With that said....it's so freaking hard to get motivated sometimes!! 

Bossman has been reminding me that I can do stuff and that I NEED to do stuff and I should do stuff and it's my job to do stuff.  By stuff I mean, ya know...housework stuff.

So he has been spanking.  With the back scratcher.  And it hurts. But it's the good kind of hurt.  You know, the kind that reminds you that you need to get back on track and your man is going to help you get there.

Last weekend Bossman woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  He was cranky and irritable and I wasn't.  So I was trying draw him out of it, but nothing was working, so that made ME cranky.  Usually in this situation I will pout.  So pout I did. After a while Bossman found me and said we were taking a shower.  Well, Pouter, Mcpouterson wasn't having that.  So after so back and forth, he said he'd be waiting in the bedroom and he was going to spank me. 

I'll tell you one thing.....don't tell me you're going to spank me when YOU were the one being cranky and just because now I'M mad you are going to SPANK me?  This is pretty much what I was thinking.  Plus, I was thinking.....I'm not going in there...HA...he can just wait ALL DAY because HECK if I'm going in there now.

Of course I was thinking all those things as I walked to the bedroom.  Listen, I waited about a minute.  So HA on him.

Once I got there I tried every trick in the book to get out of it.  Because seriously, I was NOT at fault.  HE was the cranky on.  If anything HE should have been getting the spanking, NOT me!

And YES, I was thinking that as he was pulling me over his lap. ~sigh~

So, over the lap I was pulled and spanked, I was.

It turned into one of those spankings where Bossman was getting some things off his chest and I had to listen.  Which let's face it, it's hard to listen when you are being spanked.

Once he we were done, we took that shower. 

We ended up having a nice day together.  And I made sure to tell Bossman exactly that later on.  Honestly, if we hadn't had a spanking the day would have been ruined.  I was envisioning a day of us doing separate things and not really speaking to each other.  Instead, guess what, neither of us were cranky after that.


A spanking saved the day!

Christmas eve

So much for posting more in the new year.  This is why I don't make resolutions, I always end up failing at them.


The spinning has stopped so that is a good thing!  I have been dealing with a lot of neck issues which is never any fun, but it's my life, so I just have to deal with it.


I don't think I mentioned to you all what happened on Christmas eve.  I had a doc appointment to discuss blood pressure and such, no biggie really, just a follow up.  It was Christmas eve and I was hosting my entire family that evening but my appointment was at 1 and I figured I had plenty of time to get everything done.


Turns out that a few days prior to this appointment I was getting these weird leg cramps in my right calf.  They were kind of like a Charlie horse, but different as they weren't gripping my muscle, but they were painful and because I'm on certain meds, I was a little concerned that there might be a blood clot.  BUT, the day before the appointment the pain was gone, so I wasn't too concerned.


ANYWAY, I mentioned it to my doc at the appointment and he wanted me to have a blood test just to make sure it wasn't a clot.  Because it's Christmas eve, I have to go to the hospital for the test because it's faster and the regular place was closing early.  Bossman takes me to the hospital and I have the test.  It was quick as EVERYONE was home getting ready for Christmas!  We get home and start making the food for the evening.  About an hour after the blood test they call and tell me that whatever it was the were testing for (I don't know what it's called) was elevated and I needed to go back to the hospital for an ultrasound on my leg!  SUPER!


Lucky for me the hospital is only minutes from my house.  I had to leave Bossman home to finish the food and he wasn't happy about that but I couldn't just leave the little man to do it all.


I jet over to the hospital and again...NO waiting because again...EVERYONE is getting ready for Christmas so they aren't at the HOSPITAL!


Turns out there wasn't a clot.  Thank goodness!


BUT, while I was gone, Bossman was preparing for the worst, so he texted everyone!  GAH!  Everyone was worried.  Bossman thought I was going to end up in the hospital, but it turns out I was FINE!! We got the food ready and everyone showed up and we had a wonderful Christmas!


So now that I've caught you up on my Christmas eve...I'm exhausted! 


I was going to fill you in the spanking that's been going on around her....but I doubt any of you are really interested in that sort of thing.


In case you are interested (I'm looking at YOU,  PK!) There has been spanking going on.  Bossman has been spanking a lot more and it's been good.


 Remind me to tell you about it some time.


This blogging thing is exhausting, I think I need a nap.

You spin me right round baby right round

I woke up with vertigo today. If you don't know what vertigo is....well I'm not going to look it up for you, but it makes me dizzy! Seriously it is an inner ear thing that makes the world spin. Not fun! Because of that, Bossman stayed home with me. That was a treat! He took very good care of me!

I'm feeling a little bit better this evening and Bossman asked if a person with vertigo would feel dizzy if they were over someones knee. Although I'd love to test that theory...I think I better wait until tomorrow.

So much for feeling better in the new year....I'm really sucking at these resolutions!

goals and such...

Happy New Year everyone!

I had every intention of blogging more often in the new year and since today is the 7th day of the new year and I'm just now getting to blogging, well, it's safe to say that my good intentions went right out the window.  Of course I also had every intention of getting back on the tread mill and I haven't done that either, so I guess I'm doing really good at breaking all my good intentions for the new year.

You know, I have considered stopping this blog for good.  Any of you that have been around for awhile know that I haven't been a very good blogger.  I kept thinking that my time was up and I should turn out the light on the old blog.  But the other day I started looking back at the archives and I can't believe all the things I wrote about.  I was back in 08 and boy were we busy little bees.  Life was so different than it is now.  It's amazing how much has changed.  I realized how fun it was to look back and read some of that stuff that I decided I should keep writing, for the time being.  Of course I  also realized that March of this year will be 10 years.  That's pretty amazing.  That's when I decided I should probably hang around for awhile. 

Everyone has left the building.  My son is back at school and my daughter is back at her home.  That leaves me and Bossman to ourselves.  I'm ready for some alone time with Bossman.  We have been sorely lacking in the privacy department around here.

There has been some talk on the spanking front.  We have really good intentions....and we all know how good I am with intentions. HA!  But seriously, I hope we can get back to spanking.  It would be nice.  Bossman and I are getting along pretty good, but it would be nice to get the closeness back that spanking gives us. 

I don't want our relationship to be defined by spanking.  BUT, I can't deny that spanking makes us closer.  Bossman says I only find him attractive when spanking is involved..  I don't believe that's true.  I find Bossman attractive all the time!  BUT, lets face facts....I am very attracted to him when he spanks.  Actually, I find him very attractive when he is dominate in general.  It just makes things better.  Maybe it's just the fact it makes me feel special and cared for.  I think that's a big part of it.  I mean, who doesn't like to feel special?  Although it seems out of the ordinary that I would feel special when Bossman is dominate.  But....well, this is complicated!

In any case, Bossman and I need to work on finding things that we like to do together and I feel like spanking is one of those activities.  I'm such a homebody and he's so not that it's hard for us to find things to do together that we both like.  We've had kids to keep us busy for so long that we don't know who we are anymore without them. We really need to figure it out. 

So I guess that's the goal for the year.  Figure out our relationship.  That is very important. 

That and get more spankings!

Happy New Year

I hope you all had a great holiday season! I had a wonderful time, lots of family, too much food and Santa spoiled me!

Let the meme begin

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
Can't think of a thing!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make new year's resolutions because I always break them. This year I will mainly try and walk the treadmill more.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

One of my daughters friends gave birth last month. So weird! Although the mommy is as old as I was when I gave birth to my daughter, to me she is still just a kid!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No

5. What countries did you visit? 

None

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

Better health

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 20th. My baby brother got married!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Sadly, I can't think of anything.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I feel like I am a failure as a wife. I know Bossman would disagree, but really this is the one thing in my life that I always feel like a failure at.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I'm always dealing with something health wise.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our truck!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Bossman! He puts up with me, he takes care of me....he is simply the best!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No comment

14. Where did most of your money go?

Mortgage, and my sons school.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My brothers wedding!!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

My theme song, living on a prayer

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happpier!
b) thinner or fatter?  Same
c) richer or poorer? Richer!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing. Exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eating..HA! I mean, I wish I done less excerise....said no one EVER! 

Can you tell I can't think of anything?

20. How did you spend Christmas?

At home, on Christmas Eve my whole fam came over and Christmas morning the kids and the wild child's boyfriend were here. It was lovely!

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?

I'm always in love with my family and Bossman!

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Parenthood, Orange is the new black. Greys anatomy, Dancing with the stars. I could go on! I like me some TV!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
"Hate"? Blech.

24. What was the best book you read?
Cassie's Space...written by a very dear friend!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I'm old school, by the time I get into new stuff, it's old.

26. What did you want and get?

I wanted my kids to be home and they were!

27. What did you want and not get?
I have everything I want or need!

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
We are the Millers....so funny, completely inappropriate!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 45 and had a lovely day with Bossman!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I can't think of anything.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Jeans and tees

32. What kept you sane?

Bossman

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ellen

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I don't discuss politics

35. Who did you miss?

My sister in law

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Technically, I met him last Dec. but getting to know my daughters boyfriend this year has been awesome.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
Enjoy your family now, the kids grow way too fast!

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Take my hand, we'll make it I swear...oh oh, living on a prayer!

Happy New Year everyone!

My Friend wrote a book!

I've been blogging for a very long time.  During that time, I have made some amazing friends.

One of those amazing friends wrote a book.  A spanking book. 

I think you should all go and read it.  I've already purchased it and if it wasn't almost midnight I'd start reading it right now.

Cassie's Space is available now on Amazon. 

Just thought you all might want to know what I'm doing today.  I'm going to be reading.  And if stuff doesn't get done and I get spanked....well...

I'll blame PK! 

But then again, I usually blame most things on PK!  It's usually her fault.

On a serious note though....

I'm so dang proud of her!!!!  I love you PK! 

Your comments make me smile

Thank you so much for all your comments!  I love you all.  Comments make my heart pitter patter.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Let's just jump right into the spanking.

I haz some!

Bossman and I have been in a really good place lately.  Of course, this means the kids are about to come home for the holidays, so that good place will probably be gone by the time Thanksgiving is over.

Anyway...spanking...let's talk about it.

So, let's talk about it.  About spanking.

GAH! I don't know what to say about it. 

It was good.  Of course it was good.

It hurt.  Of course it hurt.

So what?  What do I say?

~clap clap~

Snap out of it.  Think woman, think!

Let's start at the beginning. 

A very good place to start....(oh man, now I'm singing the Sound of Music song)

Well, I thought if I started typing things would flow.  But things aren't flowing, I can't think straight about it.  Not that it's been bad, because it hasn't.  It's been good, very good.

Ok, let's just say the spankings have been good, but the after..the after has been great. 

I'll just say it, we've been experimenting with anal.

I said it!  I said anal.

It's so weird, because I can't decide if I like it or not.

No, I can't say that.  I liked it.  I think.  No, I did....I liked it.

But it's weird. 

All I know is we are closer than we've been in a long time.

So I can't complain about that at all!!!

That's it for now.  I'll keep you posted on the rest.

Oh, and the kids are coming home this weekend, so if I don't get a chance to say it.....

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

I love my lurkers!

I've been blogging a really long time. My blogging record is a lot like my spanking record, spurts of a lot of posts then spurts of....well....spurts of nothing.

I'm not really into stats and stuff. I don't know how many post I've written, I don't know how many hits I have on my page on any given day. I know I had a counter on my page at some point....heck it might still be here but numbers don't matter much to me.  I write because I like to write. I write because I hope that something I said could help someone else.

A bonus to this writing is the feedback I get from all of you.

I am still amazed that people read my blog and that people actually comment. Every time I get a comment my heart flutters. Because although I don't write for the comments, I do LOVE getting comments!

Now there is one thing you should know about me...this is hard to admit but.....

I'm a terrible commenter! BUT......I'm a great lurker!

So I get the lurking thing. It's so easy to read a post and then move on to the next post without really commenting. I mean really, who has time for all that signing in and typing and stuff?

Please take time today! This one day, take the time to say hi. You can be anonymous, you can make up a really goofy name and just say hi! There is no pressure here.

I plan on going around and leaving comments on all the blogs I lurk at so they will know that I still read there.

I hope you will join me!

If not, that's ok! I'm still glad you are here!

Those of you that comment, regularly, or just today, I say......

Thank you!

grace

Who's in charge of this fairy tale?

How can I be in charge, if you don't want to give up being in charge?

Bossman asked me this question the other day, and I've been pondering it ever since.

It's not that I don't want to give up being in charge.  I like it when he's in charge.  But I like having my say in things and....well, let's face it, I like things to go MY way.

So this is a real problem in our relationship.

If only he would just do everything MY way, things would be perfect.  He can be in charge and I can have everything the way I like it......

Ok, so I guess that won't work.

I will tell you what works.

Wooden spatulas.

Oh yes, they really work.

Guess how I know.

Fine.  I'll tell you.

Last night, I got a spanking.

A genuine, honest to goodness, spanking.

And boy howdy, it hurt.  It hurt like a dickens. (gosh I sound southern, all of a sudden) 

Bossman decided it was time to jump back into spanking.  He didn't really have a specific reason, but it turns out that afterwards he admitted he DID have a reason.  I'll get to that in a minute.   The important part is that I got a spanking!

Did I mention that the wooden spoon/spatula thingie hurts?  Cuz, it does.  I've got the marks to prove it.  Did I mention there were marks?  Did I mention my butt is still sore today?  Oh yeah baby....it hurts sooooo good!

Afterward we had some fun...and then we talked. 

Bossman told me that he really had a reason but he didn't really tell it to me because I try to talk my way out of stuff.  And guess what?  I'm a pretty good talker!  So after he told me that, we decided that when he felt it was time for a spanking, he wasn't going to tell me why until it was over.  That way, I couldn't try and talk him out of it.  I just have to submit to it and hear why after.

I have to admit....

I like it.

Because he's right. (don't tell him I said that) I DO try and get out of spankings.  And I don't know WHY I do that.  Because why would I try to get out of it if I really want it?  I don't KNOW!

But I do.  I do everything I can to talk my way out of a spanking.  I have very good reasons for doing what I did, or saying what I said.  I'm telling you, I should have been a lawyer!  So now, I just have to get on with it and find out why after.  THEN...I'll tell my side. (did you think I wouldn't?)  But, it will be too late because my butt will be sore anyway.  EVEN if I'm right.  Which, I usually am.  But WHO cares!  Because my butt will be sore. 

And I....

I will be happy.  In turn, I will make Bossman happy.

Then...we will live happily ever after.

Sounds easy right?

Um, yeah.....right.

(Of course I'm gonna need a crown if we are getting into the fairy tales.)

Is spanking back in this relationship?

I wrote this first part last week....

Relationships are a funny thing.  People are always comparing them to roller coasters and I can see why.  One minute you are up, next you are down. 

Our relationship is no different.  Right now, things are looking UP!

 Saturday was a great day.  We slept in, which is always fun and we ate some breakfast.  Bossman suggested a shower and so we headed to the shower.  It was so nice.  He scrubbed me down and I enjoyed every minute.  When we got out, he led me to the bed and....and....and....

Yes!  He spanked me!  Of course he used the dreaded back scratcher, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.  It was great.  It was just like old times!  Then, he pulled me to the wall and blindfolded me.  Then he pulled me back over his knee but this time he rubbed my butt.  The rubbing got lower and next thing you know....well....

I'm pretty sure you know what happened next! 

I'm just stunned that it happened. 

Over the last couple of days, we've been going to bed early and together...which never happens and we just talked.  We talked about everything.  We talked about spanking and we talked about our relationship and we talked about all the things that we have been going through. 

People, he is still interested in spanking!  We have had some serious discussions on the subject.  I'm not going to get my hopes too far up....but I am pretty excited that there is at least some talking going on around here.

We are really going to try and make this relationship work and work for the better.  We both want to improve things and I think spanking is going to be a part of it.

This is what's happening now...

We are still in the talking phase of things.  Yes, there was a little spanking the other day, just for fun, but nothing major.  It was a 3 minute backscratcher spanking.  Just enough to sting, but not enough to leave a lasting impression.

Relationships are hard!  Some people make it look easy, but it's not!  The other day, we had a romantic shower. (I love how much of our romance starts in the shower.)  Afterward Bossman suggested I go without a bra.  I said ok.  As we went throughout the day, we through out the day doing  unromantic things like cleaning our bedroom, he would walk past me and touch my boobs.  I was in busy mode and didn't appreciate the attention.  So later that night Bossman says that we shouldn't do that anymore.  He didn't like the way I responded.

~sigh~

I didn't mean to repond that way, but I guess that's how I came off.  It's frustrating that I can't be the way I wish I could be.  The way HE wants me to be.

But, it's not the end.  Bossman just said we would think of other things, to go along with spanking.  We haven't really started anything serious with the spanking, but the talking is good.

It's really good!

Confused much?

Confused much?

First he tells me that we should just forget the whole spanking thing.  I think he said something about concentrating on our relationship before we think about spanking again.

Then....

Then he calls today and asks if I got out of bed.  I say yes, of course I was out of bed. Then he says, "Oh good, otherwise I might have to spank you!"

What the hell!

I told him I didn't want to talk about it.  And I don't!  I mean I've already resigned myself to the fact we weren't doing that anymore. 

Now he wants to resume?

A big part of me want to forget the whole thing.  BUT....of course there is the small part that wants to have a spanking.

Confused much?

You bet!

life after cancer

Let's face it.  Cancer has changed me. 

I don't think I can ever go back to before cancer. (bc)  Before cancer I was not afraid.  I was in a world where bad things didn't happen.  Sure...they happened, but they happened to others, not to me.

Bc?  I wasn't going to die.  I wasn't thinking about dying.  Death was something that happens to really old people.

Life has changed since I heard the words, you have cancer. 

Physically, I'm good.  I'm pretty healthy.  Nothing major is going on.  Mentally?  I may never recover.

I imagine that in a small way I'm actually going through a small version of PTSD.  My own post traumatic stress.  Because, not only did I go through cancer treatment, but my SIL died of cancer...while I was going through treatment.  So, although I am fine...my SIL is gone. 

When you get diagnosed, you accept it.  Your mind goes into auto pilot.  You are just going through treatment and nothing else matters.

Once you are done with treatment....well, nobody tells you what happens after that.

Every pain is cancer.  Every 6 months you have a blood test....and you wonder if this is the time they will find more cancer.  Every time you go to the doc for a test, you know they will find cancer.  Every time your child has a problem you wonder if THEY are getting cancer.  What about your husband, maybe he's got cancer too!

It's a vicious cycle.  Time is helping.  The last couple of years have been bad.  I didn't want to leave the house.  Just going to the store made me anxious.

I can go to the store now.  Everyday I am grateful that I am still here.  I try not to dwell on the things I have no control over.  I steer clear of the news.  I try to only see positive things.

But....it's always there.  There is always going to be another blood test.  There is always going to be aches and pains. 

Somehow, I just have to find away to live with it.

baby steps

My first step in trying to find my happiness is to exercise.  At the beginning of the year, we bought a new treadmill.  Of course we haven't really used it much.  I could give you all the reasons, but in the end it was laziness.

I've decided that I would walk on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes a day to start.  Probably not on weekends, but if I can do it during the week, I'll be happy.

I really have no excuse to not use it.  It's by the TV, it has a great view of our backyard and I have plenty of time. 

So, can you guys remind me of all that when I tell you I stopped doing it?

Why is it so hard to get motivated? 

In other news, Bossman and I are slowly getting back on track.  I don't know if we will ever get back to spanking.  He has made no move or mention of it and I just don't want to face the rejection, if rejection should happen.That really makes me very sad.  I HOPE it's not over. 

Any ideas on how I can get that back on track?

We are, however, talking and spending time together.  The other morning I woke up around 6 with a nightmare.  Bossman woke up and we snuggled together and one thing led to another.  It was a lot like the old us.

I know it's going to take time, but it's frustrating.

I just want to go back. 

Anybody willing to lend me their time machine?

the kids who are not kids anymore

Let's not talk about my problems today.  It's just too overwhelming and depressing and I am tired of that.

Let's talk about my kids!!! 

I can't really call my son the Little man any more.  He's 15 and 6"1.  He's almost as tall as Bossman.  It's so weird to have to look up to him.  So now he's just a young man. 

He is doing SO SO well in school!  He loves that school so much!  If you had asked me two years ago if I would consider sending my son to a boarding school 3 hours away, I would have said HELL no!!!  But it really was the best decision we ever made! He is thriving!  He is getting all A's except for geometry!  Poor kid, math is NOT his subject!  When he was in junior high he was getting b's and c's....so to have almost all A's?  Well, it's just amazing!!!  The dorm deans have told us that he is a natural leader in the dorms and everyone loves him.  His nickname is Sunshine!  He's always been my sunshine and now others are seeing that for themselves.

The wildchild?  She's not so wild anymore.  She's decided to settle down and stop partying.  She found a job 3 hours in the opposite direction of my son.  Funny how Bossman and I ended up in the middle.  She loves her new job and she and her boyfriend are moving into an apartment together this weekend.  Brand new- just built- apartment. She is so excited about life and she has confessed that she thinks the boyfriend will propose to her soon!  I'm thinking he may wait for her birthday or Christmas.  It's all very exciting.

So, there you have it!  Things aren't all doom and gloom around here.  Bossman and I just need to figure out how to transition from kids to no kids.

I need to figure out my new identity in life.

Maybe I can be the next......

Shoot, I can't even think of what I can be the next of! BAH!

ramblings of a crazy woman...

This blog is becoming my own personal therapy sessions so....if you don't want to read the ramblings of a crazy woman, I would click on to something else!

Things are ok around here.  Its amazing how life just carries on, even when you think it can't possibly carry on when things are crumbling around you.

Bossman bought me some beautiful roses the other day.  That's always a pick-me-up when things aren't going well.  It was very nice to think of me in that way.  I know that he is trying.  I guess I need to try too.

Yesterday we bought a new truck.  Well, it's 3 years old.  BUT, she's a beautiful truck. She pretty much has all the bells and whistles.  I feel like we won the lottery.

Here's the part I struggle with......

Part of me would love to go out and show everyone our new truck.  I would love to post pictures of her on facebook.  But part of me is embarrassed.

Here's the deal.  Bossman and I have struggled financially since the day we were married.  Over the last 12 years Bossman has worked his butt off and has done really, really well financially.  I'm so proud of him!  The last 4 years have been amazing.  We can comfortably send our son to a private boarding school.  We can send our daughter money when she needs it.  We can buy stuff at the grocery store that is NOT mac and cheese or top ramen or spaghetti.  AND, it's great.

But, I feel like I'm being judged.  I don't have the mentality of someone that has some money.  I still have the top ramen attitude.

I don't want people to think we have money.  Does that even make sense?  I haven't even told my family or friends about the truck because I don't want them to judge.  I don't want them to wonder, how can they afford that?

I've heard money can change people and I don't want anyone to think I've changed. 

I'm still the wal-mart shopping, top ramen gal.

I know....I'm sure everyone is thinking that this is such a dumb problem.  I bet you are all wishing you had this problem.  I get that. 

I guess I'm just wondering why I feel this way.  I should be happy and enjoying it, but I'm not.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying driving my new truck.  But I just don't want anyone to look at me, or notice that it's new. 

Also, I guess I'm nervous that something could happen and it could all be gone in a flash. 

I can't believe how blessed we truly are.  God has blessed us beyond what we ever though possible.

See....I'm crazy!!!!  I can't even enjoy life when things are good.

Ah hell.....

Let's go for a drive!

More to the story

You all are so supportive!  I am so lucky that you all are still reading this blog!  Thank you so much!

As with any story, there are parts that get omitted because it's too tedious to type out or it just doesn't seem important. 

Some of the things happening to us have nothing to do with the spanking or sex.  Some just have to do with life. 

Life has changed for us.  Our kids are gone.  Of course the Son will be home for holidays and summers, the Daughter has moved out for good. (of course this could change.)

This leaves Bossman and I alone.  We have realized that we have NOTHING in common.  NOTHING!

I'm a homebody, he's a go-getter.  He wants to go out and I would rather stay home and read a good book.  He likes to race cars and he wants me to go to the racetrack with him.  I would rather stay home, go to lunch with a friend, read a book, garden. He likes watching sports on TV.  I like cheesy sitcoms.

The list goes on, but I think you catch my drift. 

I also have a problem.

I realized that I don't have a purpose.  I have lost my purpose in life.  The kids are gone.  For the last 23 years, I have taken care of them.  Now......now what???  I don't know what to do with myself.  I find myself wandering around the house, watching TV, doing nothing.  Going out to the store is the highlight of my day.  On a good day, I will go to lunch with my friend.  Whoo hoo! My life is a hotbed of excitement.  I feel so worthless.  I mean, what IS my purpose now?  Even Bossman is pushing me to do something.  He asks me what I want to do.  The problem is...I DON'T KNOW!!  So that makes me feel bad.  He tells me I'm wasting my life.  He's not being mean, he just doesn't want me to regret anything later.  But...I just don't know.

I know, there are so many things I could do.  I can do ANYTHING I want, and yet, I don't know what I want to do.  I have no desire to do anything.  I could volunteer somewhere, I could join the Y.  I could babysit, I could get a job......

I could. 

Ever since I got the big C, I've changed.  I've become anxious and nervous.  I don't like doing new things, I get too anxious for that.  The medication I take gives me crazy side effects like achy bones and no sex drive and yes, depression and anxiety are also on the list.  I could take something for the depression and anxiety....I actually tried that and I ended up in the ER.  So I am dealing with it on my own.  I've actually improved somewhat.  The anxiety is less, but still......it's never not there.  I've learned how to deal with it better.  Honestly, I don't think I'm really depressed.  Although I'm confused about life right now, I am not laying in bed with no will to live.  I don't feel like crying all day.  I feel like I am an upbeat person, most of the time.....

But....I'm guessing Bossman wouldn't agree.

So, therapy sounds like something I should consider.

I googled it.  There are so many to choose from.  How would I even begin to pick one?

I'm just going to have to do it.  I think I can do it.

Can I do it??  I should do it...

failed at being submissive

Hello!  Long time, no see. 

Writing has become a chore.  It has become something that I have to work at. I haven't felt the urge to write because things haven't been good in our relationship.

So I sit here staring at a screen, the cursor blinking, waiting for the letters and words to come pouring out.

Part of me wants to write it all out.  I want to lay it all out for everyone to see.  Part of me wants to keep it hidden...embarrassed to have to admit that things aren't going well.

And they aren't.  Going well, that is.

Also, as I struggle to admit that things aren't going well, I wonder how much I should spill here.  Because honestly, there are things I'd like to say, without Bossman reading it.  There are deep feelings that I don't feel like admitting to him right now.  I wish I could keep it private from him.

Who am I kidding?  He doesn't read here.  Besides, we've talked.  He pretty much knows what's going on.

So, how do I even begin?  I don't know how to start a post explaining how bad our relationship is right now.  I don't know how to admit that spanking is probably over, for good.  I can't begin to describe how hurt and upset that makes me.  It makes me sick thinking about it.  Maybe this is the part that I don't want Bossman to know.  I don't want him to know how devastated I am that this part of our relationship is ending.

I know what you are thinking.  You are wondering what happened.

I wonder the same thing. 

How did this happen?  I never expected it.  I didn't think this would happen to us. 

So how did we get here? 

It all started when Bossman decided to use spanking for something serious that was between us. 

See, I don't like being touched, or should I say groped.  I don't like washing the dishes and having him come up behind me and grab my boobs.  I don't like changing my top in front of him because I know he'll try to grab them, or tweak them or something.

I just don't like it.  Nothing will ever change it.  Not even spanking.  We tried it....and when it didn't work, Bossman gave up.  He decided that if I couldn't submit to that, what was the point?  Because if I was truly submissive, then he could decide what to use spanking for, not me.  If I decide that, then I'm in control.

Now, don't get the wrong idea.  He is just a normal man, with normal feelings toward his wife.  He wants to be able to touch me whenever he wants.  I get that.  BUT, I can't change my feelings.  I can't do it.  I tried....I tried so hard!  But I just couldn't.  It's just so hard!!!! 

I feel so sad!  I caused this.  I couldn't be submissive enough and that is what I wanted to be all along.  I let myself down and I let my husband down.  This is my fault.  My husband was just doing what I wanted.  And I failed!

Since this happened....(early summer) Things have been bad between us.  Nothing mean or nasty, more like we've turned into roommates.  He's waiting for me to make a move.  He wants me to initiate sex.  He stopped touching me completely.  I feel like he's given up on me.

This is the opposite of what it should be. 

What's next?  I just wish we could go back.  Back to the way things were.  Things were good then.  They weren't perfect, but they were way better than they are now. 

We are trying, trying to figure out how it's going to be between us now. 

I'm just so mad at myself.

And really, really sad.

National Orgasm Day

Written while ignoring laundry by