I am having a birthday on Friday. I'm not really feeling very excited about it. It's not that I'm upset about getting older. That part doesn't bother me. I'm not really sure why I'm not caring about it. The only thing I can think of is that my Grandma passed away last Sept. and I am still waiting for the birthday card. She sent me a birthday card every year. It always had money in it, and I would always spend a month ahead of time anticipating the money and what I would buy with it. It wasn't even a lot of money, but it was money that I didn't have to feel guilty about spending on myself. And it was soooo fun thinking of all the things I might do with it.
I would think....hhhmmmm, maybe a new shirt, or maybe that pair of earrings I've been looking at, but never actually buy. Anyway, I can't even tell you what I've bought with the money over the years, because that wasn't even the important part, and that's not the part I miss. I just miss my Grandma. I miss running out to get the mail and looking for the birthday card. I miss that connection with my Grandma. Everyday this week I've checked the mail, and I've looked for the postmark, even though I knew it wouldn't be there. Every year, for the past 36 years, I've gotten a card from her in the mail. It was my mail, for me. When I turned into an adult, and bills started to come, her card was the best mail I got all year. Because she always remembered. Always. Now on my 37th birthday, I'll have to celebrate without my card. Without that connection that drew me close to her. Without her to say, Happy birthday. ~sigh~
I never really thought I would be this upset about a silly little card, but I guess it's those silly little things in life that make the most difference to us. It's those little things that mean the most. And now I'm wondering, did she know how much that meant to me? Did she know how much I enjoyed getting those cards from her? I hope so. I hope I told her before it was too late.
Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you. Tell them how much that card in the mail makes your day special. Tell them before it's too late.....
later........
Putting Bossman first
Putting your husband first...well that's something I never really gave much thought to until I realized how selfish I was being.
Putting your spouse first can be very hard when you have small children. I saw Oprah the other day, and I was amazed at all the wives and mothers putting the kids before the hubby. Kids are very important and I love mine to pieces, but as one lady on the show very nicely put it...I'm IN love with my husband, I'm not in love with my kids.
This doesn't mean I don't love my kids. And I didn't think the lady on the show meant that either, but you should have seen the response the lady got from the other mothers. How DARE she not be in love with her kids! But they didn't get it. These women are so busy being the perfect parents that they left the hubbies out in the dust. One lady even admitted that she watches TV during sex....so he can take care of his "business"! Is that what the world is coming to? Men are just "taking care of business" when they want to make love? I shudder to think that this is what is going on in homes across America. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.
I have to admit, a couple of weeks ago, I was those women. I was thinking only of myself and my kids, and I didn't really give much thought to my hubbies needs. But that has so changed. My kids will only live in my house for a short time, but hopefully, my marriage will last forever. When the kids are gone, if I haven't fulfilled my hubbies needs he may not be around anymore, or our relationship will be strained. How can I put my husbands needs second...for 20 years or so, and expect there to be any sort of chance for our relationship to survive?
My kids will still grow up. I will still be there for my kids every step of the way. But I will make sure that Bossman and I nurture our relationship too. I will NEVER ever watch TV while my Bossman is "doing his business" His business is my business and sex and love making will NEVER be business in my book!
Take the time to love your husbands and wives today. Take the time to hold hands, take the time to give him a kiss as he walks in the door tonight. Take the time. Your kids will know they have parents that love each other, and they will learn how to treat their partners went the time comes. Parents are the best roll models. Love your partner...do it for the kids!
later........
Putting your spouse first can be very hard when you have small children. I saw Oprah the other day, and I was amazed at all the wives and mothers putting the kids before the hubby. Kids are very important and I love mine to pieces, but as one lady on the show very nicely put it...I'm IN love with my husband, I'm not in love with my kids.
This doesn't mean I don't love my kids. And I didn't think the lady on the show meant that either, but you should have seen the response the lady got from the other mothers. How DARE she not be in love with her kids! But they didn't get it. These women are so busy being the perfect parents that they left the hubbies out in the dust. One lady even admitted that she watches TV during sex....so he can take care of his "business"! Is that what the world is coming to? Men are just "taking care of business" when they want to make love? I shudder to think that this is what is going on in homes across America. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.
I have to admit, a couple of weeks ago, I was those women. I was thinking only of myself and my kids, and I didn't really give much thought to my hubbies needs. But that has so changed. My kids will only live in my house for a short time, but hopefully, my marriage will last forever. When the kids are gone, if I haven't fulfilled my hubbies needs he may not be around anymore, or our relationship will be strained. How can I put my husbands needs second...for 20 years or so, and expect there to be any sort of chance for our relationship to survive?
My kids will still grow up. I will still be there for my kids every step of the way. But I will make sure that Bossman and I nurture our relationship too. I will NEVER ever watch TV while my Bossman is "doing his business" His business is my business and sex and love making will NEVER be business in my book!
Take the time to love your husbands and wives today. Take the time to hold hands, take the time to give him a kiss as he walks in the door tonight. Take the time. Your kids will know they have parents that love each other, and they will learn how to treat their partners went the time comes. Parents are the best roll models. Love your partner...do it for the kids!
later........
A few hours later....
What a difference a few hours can make!
The last blog really helped me sort out some things. As a result I realized that I was behaving worse than a child. For heaven sakes, I want my husband to read my mind, I want him to take care of all my needs, I want him to do things exactly the way I want them! Well, at first I didn't really think that was a problem. I mean really, isn't that what we all want? But reality kicked in, and I realized that it really wasn't fair at all. And since I'm being completely honest here, let's face it, I was topping from the bottom!
I was so upset to think that the whole d/d thing might be over, I didn't know what to do. After reading that blog, I didn't really want to publish it. I think that's because I didn't really want to face the truth. But I decided that since I spent all that time writing it, I might as well post it, even if it makes me sound petty and childish.
So, after I posted it, I decide I would scout out some more d/d sites, (like I haven't read them all...lol) and I managed to find lots of new ones. After reading stuff that was pretty much the same, I found some hot spanking stories and started reading them. Of course after I read them, I wanted to be spanked really bad. But I didn't really think that would happen, I figured I had scared Bossman to the point of never spanking me again. ~sigh
But after reading all the stuff I read, I realized what an ASS I've been. The light suddenly flashed in my head, and it dawned on me that I really screwed this up for myself. I wanted him to spank me, but I gave him a hard time every time he tried. I wasn't submissive AT ALL! He was just trying to give me what I wanted but I shot him down at every turn. All I wanted to do at the moment was apologize and make it right again. Plus I really wanted that spanking!
Well, Bossman showed up a few hours later...before the kids came home from school. I really needed to talk to him. But after reading all those stories, I was hot and horny too. So we went in the bedroom and I gave him a really great kiss. I think he was surprised that I kissed him like that, because even though we had make-up sex, I could still feel some tension between us. Anyway, I told him how sorry I was, how wrong I had been about everything. He said he forgave me, and we embraced for a few minutes. Then he said what do you need from me. And I said, I need him to read my mind. Well, he did. He said, I think you need a spanking. To which I blushed and hid my head in his chest. So then I kissed him again, and then he said pull your pants down. To which I gratefully complied. After being securely over his lap, he spanked me kinda long and kinda hard. It was such a relief. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I was that he spanked me.
Of course it goes without saying that we had really hot sex afterward...YIPPEE!!! It was so yummy and hot, and wonderful, and I felt the tension lift immediately. We had to pick the little man up from school, so there wasn't much time for chit chat afterward. But later in the afternoon, we had a few minutes to talk and I really wanted to tell him that I had a different plan for the d/d and I wanted to know what he thought of it.
The way I figured it out was this, I realized that before he decided to spank me, I needed a little warning. I needed him to tell me when. I figure if he does this, this will give me enough time to prepare myself and then I will not be so quick to fight. I will be more willing to submit. A least this is my hope. And I told him all this, and he thinks its a great idea. We are going to try it and see how it goes.
You don't know how happy I am. I really really thought d/d was over for us. I really thought I had pushed Bossman to the point of no return. So I am so anxious to see how this works, I almost wish I had done something to deserve it right now. Notice I said "almost"!
So until the next time..
later.......
The last blog really helped me sort out some things. As a result I realized that I was behaving worse than a child. For heaven sakes, I want my husband to read my mind, I want him to take care of all my needs, I want him to do things exactly the way I want them! Well, at first I didn't really think that was a problem. I mean really, isn't that what we all want? But reality kicked in, and I realized that it really wasn't fair at all. And since I'm being completely honest here, let's face it, I was topping from the bottom!
I was so upset to think that the whole d/d thing might be over, I didn't know what to do. After reading that blog, I didn't really want to publish it. I think that's because I didn't really want to face the truth. But I decided that since I spent all that time writing it, I might as well post it, even if it makes me sound petty and childish.
So, after I posted it, I decide I would scout out some more d/d sites, (like I haven't read them all...lol) and I managed to find lots of new ones. After reading stuff that was pretty much the same, I found some hot spanking stories and started reading them. Of course after I read them, I wanted to be spanked really bad. But I didn't really think that would happen, I figured I had scared Bossman to the point of never spanking me again. ~sigh
But after reading all the stuff I read, I realized what an ASS I've been. The light suddenly flashed in my head, and it dawned on me that I really screwed this up for myself. I wanted him to spank me, but I gave him a hard time every time he tried. I wasn't submissive AT ALL! He was just trying to give me what I wanted but I shot him down at every turn. All I wanted to do at the moment was apologize and make it right again. Plus I really wanted that spanking!
Well, Bossman showed up a few hours later...before the kids came home from school. I really needed to talk to him. But after reading all those stories, I was hot and horny too. So we went in the bedroom and I gave him a really great kiss. I think he was surprised that I kissed him like that, because even though we had make-up sex, I could still feel some tension between us. Anyway, I told him how sorry I was, how wrong I had been about everything. He said he forgave me, and we embraced for a few minutes. Then he said what do you need from me. And I said, I need him to read my mind. Well, he did. He said, I think you need a spanking. To which I blushed and hid my head in his chest. So then I kissed him again, and then he said pull your pants down. To which I gratefully complied. After being securely over his lap, he spanked me kinda long and kinda hard. It was such a relief. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I was that he spanked me.
Of course it goes without saying that we had really hot sex afterward...YIPPEE!!! It was so yummy and hot, and wonderful, and I felt the tension lift immediately. We had to pick the little man up from school, so there wasn't much time for chit chat afterward. But later in the afternoon, we had a few minutes to talk and I really wanted to tell him that I had a different plan for the d/d and I wanted to know what he thought of it.
The way I figured it out was this, I realized that before he decided to spank me, I needed a little warning. I needed him to tell me when. I figure if he does this, this will give me enough time to prepare myself and then I will not be so quick to fight. I will be more willing to submit. A least this is my hope. And I told him all this, and he thinks its a great idea. We are going to try it and see how it goes.
You don't know how happy I am. I really really thought d/d was over for us. I really thought I had pushed Bossman to the point of no return. So I am so anxious to see how this works, I almost wish I had done something to deserve it right now. Notice I said "almost"!
So until the next time..
later.......
Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week
Last week I had typed in a really long entry. It told all about our trip to Vegas, it told all about the concert with Huey. It was also very positive about the d/d.
Bogger lost my post. I hit the publish button. I received a cannot find this page, error. I freaked. I hit the "back" button, I hit the recover post button......nothing. My post was lost in cyberspace. My post, that I spent over an hour composing...LOST!
Fine...I decided I wasn't going to post for awhile.....
Then came Saturday.
Saturday started out to be a great day. We went to a friends house for lunch, the kids were going to spend the night at grandma's, so the evening should have been promising too....right?
That night, we watched a movie. After the movie we went into the bedroom. I was feeling a little bratty. Bossman backed me into a corner and tried to pull my arms above my head. I hate that. I pushed away and crossed the room so I could get ready for bed. I got into bed and watched Bossman getting ready for bed. I could tell that he was upset that I had pushed him away. I thought......he was mad. He got in bed and wanted me to snuggle close to him. I got up next to him, but I wasn't very receptive to his affections. Remember, I thought he was mad...I really thought that. So, suddenly, he flips me over and starts spanking me.
Just so you know, I like to be mentally prepared for stuff like this. I wasn't. It felt so wrong...so mean. I thought he was just taking his anger out on me....remember, I thought he was mad. So I didn't make a sound, and suddenly the pain was too much and I yelled STOP...really loud. Well, he stopped all right. And then I made the worst mistake ever. I asked him if he felt better now. SIGH.....what the hell was I thinking? Well, if he wasn't mad yet, he sure was mad now.
I'm guessing you know the tragic end to this horrible story. Yes, we fought, and we fought bitterly. The night was ruined, we went to bed mad at each other....and the next 2 days were pure hell.
Finally on Tuesday, we decide to talk. Bossman tells me, we can't do d/d anymore. WHAT? Now I'm completely upset. I really didn't expect that. After further discussion, I find out he wasn't mad that night, and he thought he was just exercising his right to spank when I needed it. True, I needed a spanking that night. But it just didn't come out right. It felt so wrong. I wasn't the only one who felt it was wrong. Bossman said he felt like he was beating me, and that was why we couldn't continue with the d/d because couldn't do that anymore. He didn't want to feel like he was beating me. He just couldn't do that to me.
Ok, I respect that. But where do we go from here? I felt like my world that I know it, has come to an end. I felt like he didn't want to take care of me anymore. I felt like he was abandoning me.
But that's not the end of the story. For he told me yesterday, he is still taking care of me. He doesn't think spanking is completely out, but we have to figure out a different way of handling it. He's been very loving to me the last couple of days, and we had GREAT make-up sex. (I love make up sex)
So where does this all leave us? Where to we go from here? I've been searching blogs, and websites for the answers, but I can't seem to find any that fit. In my lost blog, I had written that I felt our d/d needed some structure. I felt like we needed some guidelines to live by. Maybe that is what is holding us back, maybe we don't have the guidelines we need in this part of our relationship. Has anyone written the d/d handbook? Are there rules we should follow? It's so nice to say...everyone is different and we need to make up the rules for ourselves, but that really doesn't help me. Nope that doesn't help me at all.
So we shall continue the journey. I shall search high and low until I can find something that fits us, and our needs.... I have too, for right now I feel like I lost something very important. I have to find it.
later...........
Bogger lost my post. I hit the publish button. I received a cannot find this page, error. I freaked. I hit the "back" button, I hit the recover post button......nothing. My post was lost in cyberspace. My post, that I spent over an hour composing...LOST!
Fine...I decided I wasn't going to post for awhile.....
Then came Saturday.
Saturday started out to be a great day. We went to a friends house for lunch, the kids were going to spend the night at grandma's, so the evening should have been promising too....right?
That night, we watched a movie. After the movie we went into the bedroom. I was feeling a little bratty. Bossman backed me into a corner and tried to pull my arms above my head. I hate that. I pushed away and crossed the room so I could get ready for bed. I got into bed and watched Bossman getting ready for bed. I could tell that he was upset that I had pushed him away. I thought......he was mad. He got in bed and wanted me to snuggle close to him. I got up next to him, but I wasn't very receptive to his affections. Remember, I thought he was mad...I really thought that. So, suddenly, he flips me over and starts spanking me.
Just so you know, I like to be mentally prepared for stuff like this. I wasn't. It felt so wrong...so mean. I thought he was just taking his anger out on me....remember, I thought he was mad. So I didn't make a sound, and suddenly the pain was too much and I yelled STOP...really loud. Well, he stopped all right. And then I made the worst mistake ever. I asked him if he felt better now. SIGH.....what the hell was I thinking? Well, if he wasn't mad yet, he sure was mad now.
I'm guessing you know the tragic end to this horrible story. Yes, we fought, and we fought bitterly. The night was ruined, we went to bed mad at each other....and the next 2 days were pure hell.
Finally on Tuesday, we decide to talk. Bossman tells me, we can't do d/d anymore. WHAT? Now I'm completely upset. I really didn't expect that. After further discussion, I find out he wasn't mad that night, and he thought he was just exercising his right to spank when I needed it. True, I needed a spanking that night. But it just didn't come out right. It felt so wrong. I wasn't the only one who felt it was wrong. Bossman said he felt like he was beating me, and that was why we couldn't continue with the d/d because couldn't do that anymore. He didn't want to feel like he was beating me. He just couldn't do that to me.
Ok, I respect that. But where do we go from here? I felt like my world that I know it, has come to an end. I felt like he didn't want to take care of me anymore. I felt like he was abandoning me.
But that's not the end of the story. For he told me yesterday, he is still taking care of me. He doesn't think spanking is completely out, but we have to figure out a different way of handling it. He's been very loving to me the last couple of days, and we had GREAT make-up sex. (I love make up sex)
So where does this all leave us? Where to we go from here? I've been searching blogs, and websites for the answers, but I can't seem to find any that fit. In my lost blog, I had written that I felt our d/d needed some structure. I felt like we needed some guidelines to live by. Maybe that is what is holding us back, maybe we don't have the guidelines we need in this part of our relationship. Has anyone written the d/d handbook? Are there rules we should follow? It's so nice to say...everyone is different and we need to make up the rules for ourselves, but that really doesn't help me. Nope that doesn't help me at all.
So we shall continue the journey. I shall search high and low until I can find something that fits us, and our needs.... I have too, for right now I feel like I lost something very important. I have to find it.
later...........
I'm baaaackkkk!
Well, we made it back from Vegas...and we had a great time! I will tell all later...I hope.
Thanks for responding to my last blog. When we got home from Vegas, our computer crashed, so we are on a sad, delapitated, borrowed, computer that really shouldn't actually be working, but by some miracle, is working for internet only.
Isn't it wonderful to find out there are people in this world that are going through, or have gone through the things your going through? It really makes me feel like I'm not such a freak in this world. Things are still up and down, but I love all the advice and just the support makes me feel much better about things. Bossman doesn't always read my blog, so I will make sure he reads the last one, and the helpful comments as well.
I want to make this work....I just NEED it to work.....it will work...it will.....
later.....
Thanks for responding to my last blog. When we got home from Vegas, our computer crashed, so we are on a sad, delapitated, borrowed, computer that really shouldn't actually be working, but by some miracle, is working for internet only.
Isn't it wonderful to find out there are people in this world that are going through, or have gone through the things your going through? It really makes me feel like I'm not such a freak in this world. Things are still up and down, but I love all the advice and just the support makes me feel much better about things. Bossman doesn't always read my blog, so I will make sure he reads the last one, and the helpful comments as well.
I want to make this work....I just NEED it to work.....it will work...it will.....
later.....
One step forward, two steps back
This seems to be the pattern that our d/d relationship takes. It's like a weird dance. We take one step forward, and everything seems like it's going to work out, and then one wrong move and BAM, we've taken 2 steps back.
I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs...nothing in this world is perfect, (except maybe cake batter ice cream with brownie from Cold Stone, and if you have a cold stone near you and you haven't tried it yet....uh...HURRY UP already!...now back to our regularly scheduled programming) but still, I would like to find some sort of happy medium where things don't always have to get so out of whack all the time.
I learn so much from the internet, I sometimes wonder what I ever did before the internet, and what would I do if the internet stopped existing? (thank god that will never happen) I've read so much on this d/d stuff, I feel like an expert on the subject. And I AM an expert...in my mind. In my mind it works out perfectly and everyone is happy. (mainly me and Bossman) But it is so much harder in real life. Sometimes I feel like we should just forget about it. It seems to be to much of a bother, it's too big for us to take on. It's too much responsibility. It's too much work. But isn't that what relationships, in general are? Work? So why is this so hard?
I feel like it's my fault. I want this. I need this. I asked for this. Yet, I tend to get pissy when the time comes to own up to my mistakes. When that happens Bossman backs away. Why, you ask? Because, in the end, Bossman cares about me too much! He doesn't really want to hurt me. He doesn't want a confrontation. He's doing this for me. So if he thinks I don't like it, or want it, or fight too much, he just stops.
I realize he is doing this because of me. I also realize he wants to do it. We just haven't figured out how to overcome the part where I'm not in a submissive mood. I don't want to be in a d/d relationship only when the mood strikes, I want it all the time. But I understand his side of things, he doesn't want to have a big blow up. He wants me to comply, and I want to comply, but you know how moods are.....
Funny thing is, I really do want this, and as soon as he walks away, I feel like crap. I'm so sorry I acted like that, and I wish to god I could take it all back. But then it's finished, and it takes us days to work it all out again.
One step forward, two steps back........sigh
later.......
I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs...nothing in this world is perfect, (except maybe cake batter ice cream with brownie from Cold Stone, and if you have a cold stone near you and you haven't tried it yet....uh...HURRY UP already!...now back to our regularly scheduled programming) but still, I would like to find some sort of happy medium where things don't always have to get so out of whack all the time.
I learn so much from the internet, I sometimes wonder what I ever did before the internet, and what would I do if the internet stopped existing? (thank god that will never happen) I've read so much on this d/d stuff, I feel like an expert on the subject. And I AM an expert...in my mind. In my mind it works out perfectly and everyone is happy. (mainly me and Bossman) But it is so much harder in real life. Sometimes I feel like we should just forget about it. It seems to be to much of a bother, it's too big for us to take on. It's too much responsibility. It's too much work. But isn't that what relationships, in general are? Work? So why is this so hard?
I feel like it's my fault. I want this. I need this. I asked for this. Yet, I tend to get pissy when the time comes to own up to my mistakes. When that happens Bossman backs away. Why, you ask? Because, in the end, Bossman cares about me too much! He doesn't really want to hurt me. He doesn't want a confrontation. He's doing this for me. So if he thinks I don't like it, or want it, or fight too much, he just stops.
I realize he is doing this because of me. I also realize he wants to do it. We just haven't figured out how to overcome the part where I'm not in a submissive mood. I don't want to be in a d/d relationship only when the mood strikes, I want it all the time. But I understand his side of things, he doesn't want to have a big blow up. He wants me to comply, and I want to comply, but you know how moods are.....
Funny thing is, I really do want this, and as soon as he walks away, I feel like crap. I'm so sorry I acted like that, and I wish to god I could take it all back. But then it's finished, and it takes us days to work it all out again.
One step forward, two steps back........sigh
later.......
What happens next?
What happens when you break a rule and you don't really feel like you should be punished?
What happens when you fight your way out of it, and then you feel bad because you got out of it?
What happens when you realize you should be punished?
What happens when you wish you would have just kept your mouth shut, but you didn't?
What happens when you promise to submit to your partner, but then don't?
What happens when you NEED to be controlled and your not?
What happens when you KNOW your partner is trying, and your not?
What happens when your guilt overwhelms you?
What happens next?
later......
What happens when you fight your way out of it, and then you feel bad because you got out of it?
What happens when you realize you should be punished?
What happens when you wish you would have just kept your mouth shut, but you didn't?
What happens when you promise to submit to your partner, but then don't?
What happens when you NEED to be controlled and your not?
What happens when you KNOW your partner is trying, and your not?
What happens when your guilt overwhelms you?
What happens next?
later......
Watch out Vegas...here I come!
Hooray for me! I get to go to Vegas! Bossman has earned a trip there, with expenses paid. The best part of this trip is the kidlets are staying HOME!
I am so looking forward to going. The trip is only one week after our 16th anniversary, so this is going to be a great little trip for us.
Did you notice I said 16 years? Can it really be that long since we got married? It seems like only yesterday. Isn't that what everyone says? But really, what happened to the time? How did the wildchild end up in highschool? How did I end up here, right now, typing away my thoughts on a computer? Time is such a weird concept. When your in the moment, you don't realize that the moment will pass, and your life will change. How boring it would be if we stayed the same. But on the other hand, I hate change. I like being in my comfort zone, knowing what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen. But one day you look around and you think....when did that change? When did my kids get taller? When did my daughter decide to become a real person? With thoughts and feelings, no less. When did my son stop wearing diapers, and start reading books by himself? WHEN did this happen?
And then I look back at my relationship with Bossman and I think...WHOA...when did we become THESE people? When did we get into this d/d concept? How did all this come to pass?
When I look back at our wedding day, I remember 2 very young people that didn't have a clue about life. I remember not even really knowing what it was in life that I wanted. Bossman and I had dated for 3 years, part of those years in high school. We had no clue what life was all about, we just knew we wanted to grow up. So we dated, and then we just figured getting married was the next step in life. Don't get me wrong, we were in love, but what is love really when your that young? We didn't know what love was. But we got married. We had a great wedding. And then what? Did we know how to treat each other? Did we really know what married life was all about? NOPE. We hadn't a clue. On our first ann. we found out we were expecting a little bundle of joy. (the wildchild) What the heck were we going to do with a baby? Well, we had the baby, and we kept living our life. We muddled through the years, and frankly if we hadn't had the wildchild we probably would have gotten a divorce. We were just too young. We hadn't grown up. We weren't mature. We hadn't experience life yet. But we stayed together. So we muddle through the years together. About 5 years ago, Bossman decided to change careers. The kids and I have to go stay with my sis-in law, while he tries to get his career going. We suddenly realize....we love each other. I hated being apart from him. He hated being away from me.
When we finally got back together, I started telling him about d/d. It was just little things, I could never just come right out and talk about it. I was embarrassed. I still am. But I started printing out stories. And we started communicating. And things just evolved from there.
We are more in love than ever. I could never imagine being apart from Bossman. He is the light of my life. He makes me the person I am today.
16 years seems like a long time. But in the grand scheme of things....it's just been one stepping stone after another, and the stones keep getting bigger and bigger, so we won't fall in the river.
Even if I start to fall, at least I know Bossman is there to catch me.
later........
I am so looking forward to going. The trip is only one week after our 16th anniversary, so this is going to be a great little trip for us.
Did you notice I said 16 years? Can it really be that long since we got married? It seems like only yesterday. Isn't that what everyone says? But really, what happened to the time? How did the wildchild end up in highschool? How did I end up here, right now, typing away my thoughts on a computer? Time is such a weird concept. When your in the moment, you don't realize that the moment will pass, and your life will change. How boring it would be if we stayed the same. But on the other hand, I hate change. I like being in my comfort zone, knowing what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen. But one day you look around and you think....when did that change? When did my kids get taller? When did my daughter decide to become a real person? With thoughts and feelings, no less. When did my son stop wearing diapers, and start reading books by himself? WHEN did this happen?
And then I look back at my relationship with Bossman and I think...WHOA...when did we become THESE people? When did we get into this d/d concept? How did all this come to pass?
When I look back at our wedding day, I remember 2 very young people that didn't have a clue about life. I remember not even really knowing what it was in life that I wanted. Bossman and I had dated for 3 years, part of those years in high school. We had no clue what life was all about, we just knew we wanted to grow up. So we dated, and then we just figured getting married was the next step in life. Don't get me wrong, we were in love, but what is love really when your that young? We didn't know what love was. But we got married. We had a great wedding. And then what? Did we know how to treat each other? Did we really know what married life was all about? NOPE. We hadn't a clue. On our first ann. we found out we were expecting a little bundle of joy. (the wildchild) What the heck were we going to do with a baby? Well, we had the baby, and we kept living our life. We muddled through the years, and frankly if we hadn't had the wildchild we probably would have gotten a divorce. We were just too young. We hadn't grown up. We weren't mature. We hadn't experience life yet. But we stayed together. So we muddle through the years together. About 5 years ago, Bossman decided to change careers. The kids and I have to go stay with my sis-in law, while he tries to get his career going. We suddenly realize....we love each other. I hated being apart from him. He hated being away from me.
When we finally got back together, I started telling him about d/d. It was just little things, I could never just come right out and talk about it. I was embarrassed. I still am. But I started printing out stories. And we started communicating. And things just evolved from there.
We are more in love than ever. I could never imagine being apart from Bossman. He is the light of my life. He makes me the person I am today.
16 years seems like a long time. But in the grand scheme of things....it's just been one stepping stone after another, and the stones keep getting bigger and bigger, so we won't fall in the river.
Even if I start to fall, at least I know Bossman is there to catch me.
later........
Couple of days ago, Bossman gave me quite the spanking. It was everything that I love and hate all combined.
First he said he just wanted to spank me because he felt like I needed it. It was nothing specific, it was "just because". So first he pulled down my pants and panties, and then had me stand in the corner. Why is that such a turn on for me? I don't get it. I feel so lame doing it, but it's also so freakin' hot.
He kept coming up to me and slapping my bottom. He said it was warm up. Ok fine, but then got out the backscracher and started slapping me with that. God that thing hurts. So then he led me out of the corner, and I thought, hey that wasn't so bad, but then he said now it's time to get over my knee. WHAT? I thought we were done. I, of course, started whining, complaining, but I thought you were done.....
He didn't accept that. Instead he positioned me over his lap and started the real spanking.....with the paddle. OUCH. That's about all I can say. It hurt, it burned, and it was so HOT!!! I kept thinking, I hate this, I love this, I hate this, I love this.... Could someone turn off the voices in my head?
Anyway, I felt extremely subby, and very loved. Sometimes I wonder if I could do something to make him do that again, but its so random in our relationship that I'm not sure what would make him do that again. Plus, I am not the type of person that wants to be bratty on purpose, just for the sake of discipline. I really want discipline to be real, that's why I hate the fact that I find it hot. But I suppose if I didn't find it hot, then I wouldn't be interested in having in my life. But I suppose that's really not true either, because I know of lots of couples that don't find discipline hot, but still have it in their lives.
Well, Bossman assures me that he will be disciplining me when the need arises, so I will continue to hope that this will be a bigger part of our lives, once again. I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with this. And hopefully we will be happier for it.
later.........
First he said he just wanted to spank me because he felt like I needed it. It was nothing specific, it was "just because". So first he pulled down my pants and panties, and then had me stand in the corner. Why is that such a turn on for me? I don't get it. I feel so lame doing it, but it's also so freakin' hot.
He kept coming up to me and slapping my bottom. He said it was warm up. Ok fine, but then got out the backscracher and started slapping me with that. God that thing hurts. So then he led me out of the corner, and I thought, hey that wasn't so bad, but then he said now it's time to get over my knee. WHAT? I thought we were done. I, of course, started whining, complaining, but I thought you were done.....
He didn't accept that. Instead he positioned me over his lap and started the real spanking.....with the paddle. OUCH. That's about all I can say. It hurt, it burned, and it was so HOT!!! I kept thinking, I hate this, I love this, I hate this, I love this.... Could someone turn off the voices in my head?
Anyway, I felt extremely subby, and very loved. Sometimes I wonder if I could do something to make him do that again, but its so random in our relationship that I'm not sure what would make him do that again. Plus, I am not the type of person that wants to be bratty on purpose, just for the sake of discipline. I really want discipline to be real, that's why I hate the fact that I find it hot. But I suppose if I didn't find it hot, then I wouldn't be interested in having in my life. But I suppose that's really not true either, because I know of lots of couples that don't find discipline hot, but still have it in their lives.
Well, Bossman assures me that he will be disciplining me when the need arises, so I will continue to hope that this will be a bigger part of our lives, once again. I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with this. And hopefully we will be happier for it.
later.........
Update
Back in Sept, I lost my Grandmother. It was the first time I've lost a close family member, and I really took it hard. Since that time, Bossman and I have been unable to get back into the d/d aspect of life. It just seemed so trivial, so unimportant, such a waste of time. Bossman, being the good man that he is, gave me the time and space I needed without putting pressure on me to continue d/d. As time went on, I kept saying I wanted to quit that part of our life. I felt like I had no direction, no purpose, I really felt that life was meaningless. Of course now I realize that I was going through a grieving process.
The good news is, Bossman wouldn't, and didn't give up on d/d. No, he didn't spank, but everytime I said I just wanted to give it up, he said he didn't think it was a good idea. He reminded me of how far we had come in our relationship, and how much better our relationship was because of it. So we didn't really give it up, but it was on the "back burner", so to speak
So now, a new year has arrived. I still came to my spanking sites and I realized, I missed this part of my life. I needed him to discipline when needed. Time is healing my grieving heart, but I still had a void where the discipline should have been. So, we've been trying again. It's been hard, but we feel like we are back to square one. He doesn't quite understand what I need, and I don't quite know how to explain it.
I've also come across a very good article at Bethany's woodshed. It really explains in detail things that are expected from the spanker and the spankee. I printed it out, and he read it, and he said it sounded like I wrote it, because it was all the things I had been telling him.
Update: I wrote that for a d/d club that I'm a member of, but I haven't been contributing to. Truth be told, I have been having a hard time even thinking of things to write about for this blog, and that's why there haven't been many posts. But after a long heart to heart with Bossman, and finding that great article, I think we are getting back on track. I hope so.
I read in someone elses blog... Sorry I can't remember which blog...that she was afraid she was just trying to make her husband like this whole d/d life. Honestly, I can totally relate. My husband assures me that he is very happy doing this, I still feel like I'm the weird one and he's just doing it to please me. I'm going to try really hard to squash those feelings because they make the whole d/d thing seem wrong, and although my instinct is think that is wrong, the more I read on the web, the more I realize I'm not alone, and it's not weird.
Society has made the world believe that certain things are wrong, and certain things are right. But who is society and why did they get to decide? I bet if people were honest they would probably agree with alot of the d/d aspects. Ambers stated in her blog that 80 something percent of all d/d or d/s relationships were heterosexual. But that it used to be that most relationships of that nature used to be gay or lesbian. (sorry if I didn't quote that exactly) That really made me think. And it made me realize that I'm not that weird after all. (ok, I'm really weird...but in a good way...LOL)
Anyway, does this blog have a point? Probably not, but if your still reading after all that blah blah blah...Well what can I say? We're starting over....again....with d/d. Will it work this time? Who knows? But I do know, that I'm not giving up!
I need it too much to ever go back!
later......
The good news is, Bossman wouldn't, and didn't give up on d/d. No, he didn't spank, but everytime I said I just wanted to give it up, he said he didn't think it was a good idea. He reminded me of how far we had come in our relationship, and how much better our relationship was because of it. So we didn't really give it up, but it was on the "back burner", so to speak
So now, a new year has arrived. I still came to my spanking sites and I realized, I missed this part of my life. I needed him to discipline when needed. Time is healing my grieving heart, but I still had a void where the discipline should have been. So, we've been trying again. It's been hard, but we feel like we are back to square one. He doesn't quite understand what I need, and I don't quite know how to explain it.
I've also come across a very good article at Bethany's woodshed. It really explains in detail things that are expected from the spanker and the spankee. I printed it out, and he read it, and he said it sounded like I wrote it, because it was all the things I had been telling him.
Update: I wrote that for a d/d club that I'm a member of, but I haven't been contributing to. Truth be told, I have been having a hard time even thinking of things to write about for this blog, and that's why there haven't been many posts. But after a long heart to heart with Bossman, and finding that great article, I think we are getting back on track. I hope so.
I read in someone elses blog... Sorry I can't remember which blog...that she was afraid she was just trying to make her husband like this whole d/d life. Honestly, I can totally relate. My husband assures me that he is very happy doing this, I still feel like I'm the weird one and he's just doing it to please me. I'm going to try really hard to squash those feelings because they make the whole d/d thing seem wrong, and although my instinct is think that is wrong, the more I read on the web, the more I realize I'm not alone, and it's not weird.
Society has made the world believe that certain things are wrong, and certain things are right. But who is society and why did they get to decide? I bet if people were honest they would probably agree with alot of the d/d aspects. Ambers stated in her blog that 80 something percent of all d/d or d/s relationships were heterosexual. But that it used to be that most relationships of that nature used to be gay or lesbian. (sorry if I didn't quote that exactly) That really made me think. And it made me realize that I'm not that weird after all. (ok, I'm really weird...but in a good way...LOL)
Anyway, does this blog have a point? Probably not, but if your still reading after all that blah blah blah...Well what can I say? We're starting over....again....with d/d. Will it work this time? Who knows? But I do know, that I'm not giving up!
I need it too much to ever go back!
later......
Make-up sex
Ahhhhh, is there anything better than make-up sex? I can't think of a thing better.
Bossman and I had a huge fight. I hurt his feelings, he hurt my feelings, and it turned into 3 days of hell.
So today, he comes out and tells me he wants to make up with me, and I really wanted to make up with him, so after talking a bit, we start kissing. I really missed him. It's funny how you can go a couple of days without really being affectionate, and then that first touch.....it's just amazing. It's like you've been deprived for weeks and you suddenly can't get enough. So we get all hot and bothered, make our way down the hall, while touching and kissing. When we get to the bedroom we start removing clothing, and still kissing and touching. So Bossman pushes me down on the bed, and really start getting down to business. This is all really hot and sexy.....
Then Bossman tries to flip me over, and the whole bed falls apart............
Yes, it's true, the bed broke! Right in the middle of really hot, make-up sex! But it was soo funny!
So we stand up, and start touching again, and in my mind I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get him inside me, because the bed was tilted. So I finally grab all the blankets and the comforter and the pillows, toss them on the floor and WA-LA. It was delicous. Have I mentioned how much I love make up sex?
Needless to day, today was a really great day! Ahhh, if only every day could be like today!
later.........
Bossman and I had a huge fight. I hurt his feelings, he hurt my feelings, and it turned into 3 days of hell.
So today, he comes out and tells me he wants to make up with me, and I really wanted to make up with him, so after talking a bit, we start kissing. I really missed him. It's funny how you can go a couple of days without really being affectionate, and then that first touch.....it's just amazing. It's like you've been deprived for weeks and you suddenly can't get enough. So we get all hot and bothered, make our way down the hall, while touching and kissing. When we get to the bedroom we start removing clothing, and still kissing and touching. So Bossman pushes me down on the bed, and really start getting down to business. This is all really hot and sexy.....
Then Bossman tries to flip me over, and the whole bed falls apart............
Yes, it's true, the bed broke! Right in the middle of really hot, make-up sex! But it was soo funny!
So we stand up, and start touching again, and in my mind I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get him inside me, because the bed was tilted. So I finally grab all the blankets and the comforter and the pillows, toss them on the floor and WA-LA. It was delicous. Have I mentioned how much I love make up sex?
Needless to day, today was a really great day! Ahhh, if only every day could be like today!
later.........
New Day, New Year
I'm not really one for New Years Resolutions. I mean really, what's the point? I'm just going to fail at them anyway. So there really isn't a point in setting myself up for failure.
That being said, there are some things I would like to change in my life. So I would like to make a list of them so in a couple of months I can look back on them and see if I've made any progress.
I would like to get more healthy. Ok, I'd like to lose weight, but I say that all the time, and I never do it, so this time I'm just saying I'd like to get more healthy. For starters, I'm going to drink more water.
I would like Bossman and I to get our personal finances back on track.
I would like Bossman and I to get back to discipline. Plain and simple, I miss it and I want it back. I miss knowing that he is coming home from work to spank me. It makes me more aware of the things I'm doing, or not doing, and it makes me think of Bossman in a whole new light. It somehow make me feel more respect for him...like I'm proud he's taking charge. And it also does something to the libido. That's always a good thing. I just feel like we still can't really define the exact way this is suppose to be done. We are up and down more than a yo-yo, and I would like consistancy. I really hope this is something we can accomplish in the next couple of months.
Well, time will tell, and I'm planning on posting my ups and downs on a more frequent basis.
Happy New Year!
later..........
That being said, there are some things I would like to change in my life. So I would like to make a list of them so in a couple of months I can look back on them and see if I've made any progress.
I would like to get more healthy. Ok, I'd like to lose weight, but I say that all the time, and I never do it, so this time I'm just saying I'd like to get more healthy. For starters, I'm going to drink more water.
I would like Bossman and I to get our personal finances back on track.
I would like Bossman and I to get back to discipline. Plain and simple, I miss it and I want it back. I miss knowing that he is coming home from work to spank me. It makes me more aware of the things I'm doing, or not doing, and it makes me think of Bossman in a whole new light. It somehow make me feel more respect for him...like I'm proud he's taking charge. And it also does something to the libido. That's always a good thing. I just feel like we still can't really define the exact way this is suppose to be done. We are up and down more than a yo-yo, and I would like consistancy. I really hope this is something we can accomplish in the next couple of months.
Well, time will tell, and I'm planning on posting my ups and downs on a more frequent basis.
Happy New Year!
later..........
Who's in charge?
Last night Bossman decided to spank me. Now I wasn't to please with this idea, but he did buy some new wooden spoons at the 99cent store, and he really wanted to try them out. So after much huffing, I turned over.
But Bossman got serious last night. He said he wasn't going to give up on me, and he wasn't giving up the d/d. He also said he was going to discipline whenever he felt it was necessary. He said he knows I need this, and he's going to do it. Then he made me repeat, while spanking) that I wanted this, and I need him to do this.
He KNOWS how hard that is for me. I hate admitting it, even though it's true. He told me to say I didn't need it, or want it, but I couldn't, damn it, I couldn't say it. Because in the end, I must admit, I need it.
So, we are continuing the saga, if you can call it that. And can I just say how lucky I am? I think I have the best husband in the entire world. I think I've been blessed more than I deserve. My husband really is so wonderful, so loving, so kind, and I love him.
Merry Christmas!
later.........
But Bossman got serious last night. He said he wasn't going to give up on me, and he wasn't giving up the d/d. He also said he was going to discipline whenever he felt it was necessary. He said he knows I need this, and he's going to do it. Then he made me repeat, while spanking) that I wanted this, and I need him to do this.
He KNOWS how hard that is for me. I hate admitting it, even though it's true. He told me to say I didn't need it, or want it, but I couldn't, damn it, I couldn't say it. Because in the end, I must admit, I need it.
So, we are continuing the saga, if you can call it that. And can I just say how lucky I am? I think I have the best husband in the entire world. I think I've been blessed more than I deserve. My husband really is so wonderful, so loving, so kind, and I love him.
Merry Christmas!
later.........
Mean people SUCK!
I may have used that title before but it is so freaking true! I can't stand MEAN people!
The other day was the first time a customer actually made me cry. I HATE crying! At work I'm considered the tough one. So when I broke down, everyone was shocked. The most shocked was...me! I don't break down when customers are mean, I just get really pissed off. But this guy was just really mean!
Ok, heres the short version of the story. MM (mean man) is making photos on our picture maker off a cd. He comes to the counter to have us price them. My friend helps him, but noticed that some of the pics looked like someone's art work. One of the prints looked like a simpson character. So she asked the MM who took the pics. MM says he did them on his computer. She said, well this one has a signature on the corner. He says he did that on his computer. So, she doesn't know what to do. (store policy states even if the picture looks professional, we can't sell it) One of his pictures was a painting of some kind also.
So, she asks me about it. I come to the counter, take a look at the pictures, and ask a few questions. MM starts getting agitated. Why can't I just buy these, I did these on my computer, these are MY photos. So I ask, who drew this picture? MM says his friend did it. I say, well, we will need your friend to sign a copyright release. So MM crumples up the picture and throws it at me! That's right folks, he threw it at me. Did I mention there was a counter full of people? So now I'm pissed, but I'm also feeling very humiliated. So I say, look, I'll call a manager and let them decide. He says....no I mean...yells, No, just take out all the pictures that you don't want me to have. Now my face is flaming red, my hands are shaking, and I know I'm about to lose it, so I say, I don't want to take any of your pictures out, I'll just call a manager, and he POUNDS on the counter and says....NO, never mind...I want you to shred all these pictures, and I want to WATCH you do it NOW.
So, I grab all the photos and I shred them. I forgot the one he crumpled. And I start lose it. Big time. I'm shaking and I start crying and I know if I don't leave right that second, I'm going to humiliate myself further. (did I mention there was a counter full of people?) So I'm almost done shredding, and a co-worker who was on a break came walking in the lab, she didn't know what was happening and when she walked passed the counter the MM told her to give me crumpled photo to shred also, so she brings it to me. And I don't look at her, I'm just shredding, and she says here, he wants you to shred this one too. And then she sees I'm crying, and she says, WHAT the heck is happening here? And I mumble...look, tell the guy I've shredded all his pictures...now I gotta go NOW. And I RUN out of the lab, through the store, to the lounge bathroom, (thank god no one was in there) and I sob! Hysterically, sob. But it was the kind of sobbing that you try to do quietly, cuz I didn't want everyone in the lounge to know I was crying. But as I was running out of the lab, I hear my co-worker, my friend, go up to the counter and ask the man in a very LOUD voice....WHAT the hell did you say to my friend? And when I got to the bathroom I heard my very good friend page for a manager!
Well, I returned to the lab about 30 min or so later....I had to wait until my eyes didn't look so bad. And I waited until the MM left. Apparently the manager told Creepo that he should not bring is pictures to our lab anymore. HOORAY! He better not, cuz next time, I won't be such a baby, and I'll tell him to f-off. And if I get fired for that.........GOOD!
So todays moral is....be nice to your store employees. The store employees don't make the rules. The store employees have feelings too. Store employess are not stupid...we are not ignorant, and we are not retarded. Some of us have college educations! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! I happen to work there because I CHOOSE too. I know it seems hard to believe, but I like my job. I just want to work part time so I can raise my family and right now this is the best option for me. Doesn't mean I'm STUPID!
Be nice to your fellow store clerks, we are human, we make mistakes, and we have feelings!
And as Forrest Gump so nicely says it.....That's all I gotta say about that.
later.............
The other day was the first time a customer actually made me cry. I HATE crying! At work I'm considered the tough one. So when I broke down, everyone was shocked. The most shocked was...me! I don't break down when customers are mean, I just get really pissed off. But this guy was just really mean!
Ok, heres the short version of the story. MM (mean man) is making photos on our picture maker off a cd. He comes to the counter to have us price them. My friend helps him, but noticed that some of the pics looked like someone's art work. One of the prints looked like a simpson character. So she asked the MM who took the pics. MM says he did them on his computer. She said, well this one has a signature on the corner. He says he did that on his computer. So, she doesn't know what to do. (store policy states even if the picture looks professional, we can't sell it) One of his pictures was a painting of some kind also.
So, she asks me about it. I come to the counter, take a look at the pictures, and ask a few questions. MM starts getting agitated. Why can't I just buy these, I did these on my computer, these are MY photos. So I ask, who drew this picture? MM says his friend did it. I say, well, we will need your friend to sign a copyright release. So MM crumples up the picture and throws it at me! That's right folks, he threw it at me. Did I mention there was a counter full of people? So now I'm pissed, but I'm also feeling very humiliated. So I say, look, I'll call a manager and let them decide. He says....no I mean...yells, No, just take out all the pictures that you don't want me to have. Now my face is flaming red, my hands are shaking, and I know I'm about to lose it, so I say, I don't want to take any of your pictures out, I'll just call a manager, and he POUNDS on the counter and says....NO, never mind...I want you to shred all these pictures, and I want to WATCH you do it NOW.
So, I grab all the photos and I shred them. I forgot the one he crumpled. And I start lose it. Big time. I'm shaking and I start crying and I know if I don't leave right that second, I'm going to humiliate myself further. (did I mention there was a counter full of people?) So I'm almost done shredding, and a co-worker who was on a break came walking in the lab, she didn't know what was happening and when she walked passed the counter the MM told her to give me crumpled photo to shred also, so she brings it to me. And I don't look at her, I'm just shredding, and she says here, he wants you to shred this one too. And then she sees I'm crying, and she says, WHAT the heck is happening here? And I mumble...look, tell the guy I've shredded all his pictures...now I gotta go NOW. And I RUN out of the lab, through the store, to the lounge bathroom, (thank god no one was in there) and I sob! Hysterically, sob. But it was the kind of sobbing that you try to do quietly, cuz I didn't want everyone in the lounge to know I was crying. But as I was running out of the lab, I hear my co-worker, my friend, go up to the counter and ask the man in a very LOUD voice....WHAT the hell did you say to my friend? And when I got to the bathroom I heard my very good friend page for a manager!
Well, I returned to the lab about 30 min or so later....I had to wait until my eyes didn't look so bad. And I waited until the MM left. Apparently the manager told Creepo that he should not bring is pictures to our lab anymore. HOORAY! He better not, cuz next time, I won't be such a baby, and I'll tell him to f-off. And if I get fired for that.........GOOD!
So todays moral is....be nice to your store employees. The store employees don't make the rules. The store employees have feelings too. Store employess are not stupid...we are not ignorant, and we are not retarded. Some of us have college educations! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! I happen to work there because I CHOOSE too. I know it seems hard to believe, but I like my job. I just want to work part time so I can raise my family and right now this is the best option for me. Doesn't mean I'm STUPID!
Be nice to your fellow store clerks, we are human, we make mistakes, and we have feelings!
And as Forrest Gump so nicely says it.....That's all I gotta say about that.
later.............
cycles of d/d
This is such a hard thing to for me to admit. I don't think I want to be in d/d right now. I don't want to deal with this stuff. Things that were once important to me, just don't seem important anymore, and d/d is one of those things.
Is this just a cycle....a phase, if you will, in my life? Does this stem from my grandmothers death? Because as I look back on the last couple of months, it seems it all started when she died. So maybe this is just an extention of the grieveing process.
I've been so blessed in my life that I never really had to deal with the death of someone that I cared deeply about. So maybe I don't even know that this is perfectly normal and I will get over it. I keep thinking that time will pass, and I will be able to get on with my life in a normal capacity, but then I keep thinking, nothing will ever be normal again. What exactly is normal? Normal to me is the way life was, and unfortunatly I can't go back to normal. Normal is when I didn't know what it was like to go to a wake and see someone you love, dead. I know what that is like now. Normal is when I didn't have to see my mother sob over her dead mother. I saw that. Normal is when I didn't have to stand in front of a room of strangers, and try and sum up my Grandmothers 82 years of life, in a matter of sentences. I did that. So will I ever be able to be normal again? Nope! Can't happen.
So now I must find a new path. I must make out a new normal. Does that new normal include d/d? I don't know. Is this just a cycle of life? Will I want it again? I wish I knew. The funny thing is, I still enjoy reading about d/d. I dream about it. I think about it. I get turned on by thinking about it. But the desire to participate is gone. I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there are so many other things in life that are more important.
I really thought I was getting over my grandmothers death. But after looking back on the last couple of months, I realize I haven't really gotten over it. I just tried to set it aside. But it's still there. I feel like I need to see her picture, look at the flowers that I hung on the wall from her funeral everyday. I'm obsessing with the pictures. My mind keeps thinking about her funeral. What I said. What I could have said. What I should have said. What I didn't say.
So I don't know what will happen with d/d in my life. I still read about it. I still enjoy discussing it. But I don't want to participate. I want to be an observer. I don't want to deal with it in my own life. It seems like too much work. It's too hard to figure out.
later.......
(I wrote the above on Nov 22)
I wrote the above blog but didn't want to post it, because I wasn't sure where I was going with it. Bossman reads this and I didn't know if I wanted him to know all this stuff. But the other morning he gave me a great spanking. It was just for fun, but it was nice. It felt great and we had great sex afterwards.
So what does this mean? I still like spanking, that much I can figure out. But for discipline? Hmmm, I don't know yet. Bossman has backed off the discipline lately, so we are just taking it one day at a time, which is what anyone will tell you is the only way to heal. But I guess I'm not willing to say, I don't want discipline. Because I know I would regret saying that. Maybe that is why I didn't post the original blog. I can't fully say that I'm ready to give up the discipline. I don't want to. So I guess I answered my own question about cycles. This must just be a phase I'm going through, because I simply can't fully commit to saying I don't want this in my life. I can't say it. I won't say it.
Life is too complicated right now. I'm just going to deal with it one day at a time. One spanking at a time.......
later........
Is this just a cycle....a phase, if you will, in my life? Does this stem from my grandmothers death? Because as I look back on the last couple of months, it seems it all started when she died. So maybe this is just an extention of the grieveing process.
I've been so blessed in my life that I never really had to deal with the death of someone that I cared deeply about. So maybe I don't even know that this is perfectly normal and I will get over it. I keep thinking that time will pass, and I will be able to get on with my life in a normal capacity, but then I keep thinking, nothing will ever be normal again. What exactly is normal? Normal to me is the way life was, and unfortunatly I can't go back to normal. Normal is when I didn't know what it was like to go to a wake and see someone you love, dead. I know what that is like now. Normal is when I didn't have to see my mother sob over her dead mother. I saw that. Normal is when I didn't have to stand in front of a room of strangers, and try and sum up my Grandmothers 82 years of life, in a matter of sentences. I did that. So will I ever be able to be normal again? Nope! Can't happen.
So now I must find a new path. I must make out a new normal. Does that new normal include d/d? I don't know. Is this just a cycle of life? Will I want it again? I wish I knew. The funny thing is, I still enjoy reading about d/d. I dream about it. I think about it. I get turned on by thinking about it. But the desire to participate is gone. I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there are so many other things in life that are more important.
I really thought I was getting over my grandmothers death. But after looking back on the last couple of months, I realize I haven't really gotten over it. I just tried to set it aside. But it's still there. I feel like I need to see her picture, look at the flowers that I hung on the wall from her funeral everyday. I'm obsessing with the pictures. My mind keeps thinking about her funeral. What I said. What I could have said. What I should have said. What I didn't say.
So I don't know what will happen with d/d in my life. I still read about it. I still enjoy discussing it. But I don't want to participate. I want to be an observer. I don't want to deal with it in my own life. It seems like too much work. It's too hard to figure out.
later.......
(I wrote the above on Nov 22)
I wrote the above blog but didn't want to post it, because I wasn't sure where I was going with it. Bossman reads this and I didn't know if I wanted him to know all this stuff. But the other morning he gave me a great spanking. It was just for fun, but it was nice. It felt great and we had great sex afterwards.
So what does this mean? I still like spanking, that much I can figure out. But for discipline? Hmmm, I don't know yet. Bossman has backed off the discipline lately, so we are just taking it one day at a time, which is what anyone will tell you is the only way to heal. But I guess I'm not willing to say, I don't want discipline. Because I know I would regret saying that. Maybe that is why I didn't post the original blog. I can't fully say that I'm ready to give up the discipline. I don't want to. So I guess I answered my own question about cycles. This must just be a phase I'm going through, because I simply can't fully commit to saying I don't want this in my life. I can't say it. I won't say it.
Life is too complicated right now. I'm just going to deal with it one day at a time. One spanking at a time.......
later........
Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving!
The day has arrived and I'm hoping that everyone will get along. Since we only have to spend a short time with the MIL, I think we will have a nice day.
Here's hoping everyone else is having a great day as well!
later.........
The day has arrived and I'm hoping that everyone will get along. Since we only have to spend a short time with the MIL, I think we will have a nice day.
Here's hoping everyone else is having a great day as well!
later.........
Orgasms
I was reading someones' blog recently, and they were talking about mind blowing orgasms. I've had some of those, I'm happy to report.
This blog is not about that though, what I want to know is how do women have more than one orgasm at a time? How does this happen? I simply can't go there...and I'm completely jealous of those that can!
I have a friend that claims she can orgasm 5 times in one session. GEEZ! That is not fair! I so want to experience this. And I've tried! Believe me, I've tried. I thought maybe if I practiced with myself I would be able to lead Bossman. But I've tried, and I can't do it. It's too sensitive and then it just gets numb. What is UP with that???
So, I'm going to do some more investigating. I'm going to make this my mission in life. I WANT multiple orgasms. And I won't stop until I get them!
later.........
This blog is not about that though, what I want to know is how do women have more than one orgasm at a time? How does this happen? I simply can't go there...and I'm completely jealous of those that can!
I have a friend that claims she can orgasm 5 times in one session. GEEZ! That is not fair! I so want to experience this. And I've tried! Believe me, I've tried. I thought maybe if I practiced with myself I would be able to lead Bossman. But I've tried, and I can't do it. It's too sensitive and then it just gets numb. What is UP with that???
So, I'm going to do some more investigating. I'm going to make this my mission in life. I WANT multiple orgasms. And I won't stop until I get them!
later.........
Flowers
Yesterday was a hectic day at work. Busy busy busy, and don't get me started on all the stupid people...sheez.
Anyway, I was not in a very good mood. Thinking about the holidays makes me in a bad mood...and I will write a blog about that later. So we talked about thanksgiving, and I got in a bad mood, and then I had to work for 9 hours...yuck. It wasn't the start of a great day, that's for sure. But then in the middle of the day, out of no where, the service desk calls back and says...hey girl, you got flowers up here. Me? Flowers? Are you sure? Yep, Bossman sent me flowers. Nice sunflowers, with a card that reads...You brighten our day.
AWWWW....ain't that sweet? How jealous was everyone at work? Heheheh, you just gotta love it. The day got considerably better after that. How could it not.
Back in the breakroom, one of the gals asked who they were from, and I told her, and she looked at me with a shocked looked and said, is it your anniversary? Nope, I smirk. Wow, you are a lucky girl. Why yes, yes I am! How lucky am I? god, I love my husband. He is so loving. So kind. I can't even decribe how much I love this man. He is my soul. He is my everything.
So then the little voice, deep in the back of my brain, that won't shut up, starts up with....you don't really deserve this. Your not worthy of this, your not even a good wife.
Why does this voice have to come up? Why does my brain automatically go to negative thoughts. I hate this voice. I despise this voice. This voice is nothing but trouble.
So I have decide today, that this voice will have power no more. I will not fall prey to it's negative thoughts. I will not listen to this voice that has no reason. I will not. I will think of the positive. I will embrace the love that is around me without question, and I will not succumb to the negative.
So I say, with a positive outlook, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind......sigh
later.......
Anyway, I was not in a very good mood. Thinking about the holidays makes me in a bad mood...and I will write a blog about that later. So we talked about thanksgiving, and I got in a bad mood, and then I had to work for 9 hours...yuck. It wasn't the start of a great day, that's for sure. But then in the middle of the day, out of no where, the service desk calls back and says...hey girl, you got flowers up here. Me? Flowers? Are you sure? Yep, Bossman sent me flowers. Nice sunflowers, with a card that reads...You brighten our day.
AWWWW....ain't that sweet? How jealous was everyone at work? Heheheh, you just gotta love it. The day got considerably better after that. How could it not.
Back in the breakroom, one of the gals asked who they were from, and I told her, and she looked at me with a shocked looked and said, is it your anniversary? Nope, I smirk. Wow, you are a lucky girl. Why yes, yes I am! How lucky am I? god, I love my husband. He is so loving. So kind. I can't even decribe how much I love this man. He is my soul. He is my everything.
So then the little voice, deep in the back of my brain, that won't shut up, starts up with....you don't really deserve this. Your not worthy of this, your not even a good wife.
Why does this voice have to come up? Why does my brain automatically go to negative thoughts. I hate this voice. I despise this voice. This voice is nothing but trouble.
So I have decide today, that this voice will have power no more. I will not fall prey to it's negative thoughts. I will not listen to this voice that has no reason. I will not. I will think of the positive. I will embrace the love that is around me without question, and I will not succumb to the negative.
So I say, with a positive outlook, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind......sigh
later.......
Starting over
Life is getting back to normal, but it's still hard. Bossman and I got out of sync for a while, and it seems to be hard for us to find the pattern we had before.
I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to get back to our life, to our discipline, to our spanking.
Spanking....last night was the first night. Can I say OUCH! Geez, my butt just wasn't ready for it, and it hurt from the get go. Here's the thing, we haven't been really active in the discipline area, Bossman has been giving me my space. Nice of him, but I feel like I won't ever go back if he doesn't insist. I feel like something is missing, but do I want to go back to that? I really do, but I don't. That just doesn't make any sense, but at least I'm saying it.
Anyway, back to last night. Bossman has this rule, it's a standing rule, one that we both agree on. It's not that difficult, so it's not a problem. He doesn't like me wearing undies to bed. Now that seems like no big deal, but I tend to forget. And since we haven't really been doing the whole spanking thing...I sort of forgot. And wouldn't you know, he came to check, and I had them on....so he spanked. And, I say...ouch!
But let me say, I didn't go easy. I tried my hardest to get out of it. I tried to talk my way out, I tried guilting my way out. I tried saying, but we haven't been doing this...so it doesn't count...but Bossman would not take no for an answer.
shhhh...don't tell...but I'm glad. I don't like it when he lets me get away with stuff. Are we going back to every night of spanking...I'm not sure, but I think we are getting back into the swing of things....just the way I like it!
later......
I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to get back to our life, to our discipline, to our spanking.
Spanking....last night was the first night. Can I say OUCH! Geez, my butt just wasn't ready for it, and it hurt from the get go. Here's the thing, we haven't been really active in the discipline area, Bossman has been giving me my space. Nice of him, but I feel like I won't ever go back if he doesn't insist. I feel like something is missing, but do I want to go back to that? I really do, but I don't. That just doesn't make any sense, but at least I'm saying it.
Anyway, back to last night. Bossman has this rule, it's a standing rule, one that we both agree on. It's not that difficult, so it's not a problem. He doesn't like me wearing undies to bed. Now that seems like no big deal, but I tend to forget. And since we haven't really been doing the whole spanking thing...I sort of forgot. And wouldn't you know, he came to check, and I had them on....so he spanked. And, I say...ouch!
But let me say, I didn't go easy. I tried my hardest to get out of it. I tried to talk my way out, I tried guilting my way out. I tried saying, but we haven't been doing this...so it doesn't count...but Bossman would not take no for an answer.
shhhh...don't tell...but I'm glad. I don't like it when he lets me get away with stuff. Are we going back to every night of spanking...I'm not sure, but I think we are getting back into the swing of things....just the way I like it!
later......
getting back to normal
My Grandmas death was really hard. I went to Chicago for the funeral with my mom. It was weird. I met a lot of family that I had never met before. I have a great uncle, and I have great cousins, and I have extended family that I think are great! It's too bad that something like this had to happen for us all to get togerther. But we are in Ca. and they are in Il. Tough to get together when your that far apart. But I think the internet will help us stay in touch, so that's a good thing!
Getting back into life is something else. My mind can't get over the fact that my grandma is gone. My heart aches that I didn't have any more time with her. I'm disappointed that I couldn't talk to her more about her life. Going through old photos made me realize, there a photos of people that are probably related, but I'll never know who they are, because nobody bothered to ask. I know sadness is normal, but I'm tired of being sad. I try to get back to doing normal things, but I don't feel like doing anything! I hate going to work, I would love nothing more than to stay home all day and forget about life. Playing on the computer helps. It's like being in someone else's life. It's the Sims, and I'm going to write about them later.
I spoke at my Grandmas funeral. Then my cousin spoke. How weird was it for me to listen to someone else talk about how much they loved her? She was my grandma. My brother and sister and I called her Grandma. Now there was someone else calling her grandma. I was jealous. I admit it. It wasn't fair. They got to spend more time with her. But I realized that my grandma loved all of us the same. I could tell by the way they talked that she treated them the same. That made it better. I guess.
As far as Bossman and I, we are hanging in there. We aren't the same since I came back. Things are different. Maybe I'm different. I just want to get back to the way we were. It was good. Now it's not so good. But I have hope we will get better. Right now we just have to go through this. We will, I hope.
later.....
Getting back into life is something else. My mind can't get over the fact that my grandma is gone. My heart aches that I didn't have any more time with her. I'm disappointed that I couldn't talk to her more about her life. Going through old photos made me realize, there a photos of people that are probably related, but I'll never know who they are, because nobody bothered to ask. I know sadness is normal, but I'm tired of being sad. I try to get back to doing normal things, but I don't feel like doing anything! I hate going to work, I would love nothing more than to stay home all day and forget about life. Playing on the computer helps. It's like being in someone else's life. It's the Sims, and I'm going to write about them later.
I spoke at my Grandmas funeral. Then my cousin spoke. How weird was it for me to listen to someone else talk about how much they loved her? She was my grandma. My brother and sister and I called her Grandma. Now there was someone else calling her grandma. I was jealous. I admit it. It wasn't fair. They got to spend more time with her. But I realized that my grandma loved all of us the same. I could tell by the way they talked that she treated them the same. That made it better. I guess.
As far as Bossman and I, we are hanging in there. We aren't the same since I came back. Things are different. Maybe I'm different. I just want to get back to the way we were. It was good. Now it's not so good. But I have hope we will get better. Right now we just have to go through this. We will, I hope.
later.....
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