Long rambly post....if your not in the mood for that, please go visit one of my friends. You'll find them on my sidebar! Thanks!
I know that somewhere in my archives there is a post I wrote about my father. For those of you that can't remember, or are new, let me refresh your mind a little.
My father left my mother when I was about 5. My mom remarried when I was about 7 and I was raised by my step father. My step father abused me, but that's a different story for a different post.
My father was out of my life. I think he did time in prison. I know he was an alcoholic.
Fast forward thru my childhood....
I'm now married and am pregnant with my first child. That would make me around 22.
Until now, I haven't had any contact with my father. I don't remember him at all. When I was a teen, I went to the library and looked up his number in the phone book. I never told anyone that I did that....and I never called. Just knowing I had it was quite enough for me, thank-you-very-much.
My sister is four years younger than I. She decided to contact him. Without telling me. Not only does she contact him, she thinks it's a good idea to give him my phone number...again...without telling me!
So, I'm 22, I'm preggers and I get a phone call. "May I speak to Grace?" "Yes, this is Grace." (all the time thinking it's a telemarketer) "This is your father." (No, he didn't use the Darth Vader voice...although that would have been cool...LOL)
Without warning, I have a father. Weird.
I didn't know what to think about this event. The conversation was awkward and stiff. It wasn't anything like I had thought it would be. Maybe I watched too many reunion shows where everyone is all teary and crying and Oh-So-Happy to meet the long lost relative.
Whatever!
Since that fateful day we met once. He decided it would be great to come and visit me 4 weeks after my baby was born. Well, he visited my sister too. Again...weird and awkward.
Since then we have kept in touch via phone and cards. I should say, he keeps in touch and I...well, I send him a christmas card.
I'm sorry. I'm not really interested in this relationship. AND...I feel guilty about it. He's old now and he's had a lot of health troubles. He is kind enough to send us birthday cards, and he calls once in awhile. But you know what? He's a drama king! He'll make me feel guilty because I don't call and because I don't send him birthday cards. This is how a conversation will go:
Him: "How's things going?"
Me: "Great! Kids are great, Bossman is great, everyone is great. How are you?"
Him: "Well, I survived another birthday."
Me: "Oh yeah, well that's nice."
Him: " Yeah, I didn't see a card from you in the mail."
See, what I mean? I hate it! But I'm too nice of a person to say anything and I'm not brave enough to just tell him to bug off...because....
What if I don't want him to bug off?
Anyway, now he's moved to Arizona. Only 9 hours from me. He's only been there for about 3 weeks and my sister (God bless her) is there right now visiting him. ARRRRGGGGGG!!!!
I don't know why, but this pisses me OFF!
So, here's what happened this weekend. I get a call from Him wanting to know my sisters number because he wants to know what day she's arriving. THEN, he wants to know when I'm visiting. Uh, hello, I already told him we were buying a house and could not make any trips this summer. Then he tells me he can't handle a long drive so I'll have to come see him. Before I comment on that let me tell you one more thing. Yesterday, I get a text from my sister. She wants to know His address because she left it at him and he doesn't know she's showing up today instead of tomorrow and doesn't want to call him. Yeah, right.
Here's my comment on those two calls. First His. How does he have MY number and not hers when he talks to her more than me? Sure, lets say he lost her number in the move. Lost HER number and NOT mine? Most people keep the numbers in the same spot...so somehow I don't think he lost the number.
Not only that, but I think he was just trying to rub in the fact that my sister was coming to visit and why wasn't I coming to visit him...like he's a freaking king or something. (sheez, I'm getting all upset just typing this out....ACK!)
Now let's discuss my sisters text. First of all, who goes on a trip and leaves the address behind? Second, she texted me. She knows I don't answer my texts all the time because I have a home number and I don't use my phone when I'm at home. So if she really needed the address why didn't she call my house???? Again...trying to rub it in or WHAT???
The icing on the cake is this....I'm on facebook a lot. She's on facebook a lot. She's already left comments on there about her trip. Next thing she'll do is post pictures. Soooo, all week long, I'll have to see her updates on her stupid trip.
AND I'm NOT happy about it.
Now, let me throw this all out on the table.
Maybe I'm jealous. Could that be it? That could be it. Except....I don't think I want to be there. I know seeing him after 18 years would be awkward....I'm really interested in that. Or am I?
I just don't want to hear about this trip. I don't want to go visit him, but I want the option, should I ever change my mind.
Lastly, guess what this weekend is? Fathers day! Oh great, one more thing to feel guilty about. Except, I don't really feel guilty about this one. I mean he's not a father figure to me. So, why should I celebrate him? He was nothing but a sperm donor, in my eyes.
Or is he?
This post isn't really helping me sort through this, it's just pissing me off all over again. But it does help to write it all down.
So, if you actually made it to the end of this post, I thank you. This day has not been a good day for me. I think I'll try and work on my gratitudes. Maybe that will help me feel better.
Or not.
I get it. I'm not sure that I'm any more able than you to verbalize what I think all this means to you, but it seems to me that there might be some feelings mixed up in there about needing to feel validated in your feelings of being abandoned all those years. After all, if he'd stuck around, stepdad never would have entered the picture (not to mention that you would have had a real dad), and now your dad and sister are acting like his disappearing act can just be swept under the rug. Not only that, but they're making you feel guilty for having legitimate hurt over all this, in a way acting like they're being adults and moving on and you're well...not. The truth is, sweetie, that you have every right to have come to whatever terms you need to have to deal with not only his abandonment, but his reappearance. I don't blame you a bit.
ReplyDeleteLove ya!
Tracy
It sounds like you are feeling (or being) manipulated by your father and your sister. That hurts! You need to approach the situation in your own way and in your own time and if you feel ambivalent - that's your right! I'm glad you rambled about it and I hope it eventually helps. Meow
ReplyDeleteGrace, I have nothing to say that will be helpful or comforting, but I get it. It sucks. I have completely different circumstances, but very similar angsty emotions whenever my grandmother calls to talk about my mother. The woman never leaves her bedroom and lives an hour away. She tells me all the gossip about my mother, who lives 10 minutes away and doesn't ever call me or visit. Somehow it's all my fault that she doesn't share all the details of what's going on in her life or take an interest in mine. Grandma actually implies that I am unhappy and have problems because I get irritable when she gossips about my mother like I should be her keeper and know all of it already. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do about it or not do about it, I hope it all works out peacefully for you. :)
K
Hi, Grace,
ReplyDeleteI absolutely feel for you on this. My daughter has disowned her father, since he left me...not BECAUSE he did, but because of the WAY he did. He treated her abominably, she was there just 24hours later when he appeared with an established girlfriend 5years younger than herself; she was so distressed he got angry and yelled at her in front of her colleagues and his friends, to F*** off...
but, 2 years later he decided she should forget it and everyone should be friends... she wont even acknowledge him. At her sisters 21st, she pointedly stood in the pub with her back towards him...stayed for 1 drink then left, unable to relax in the same room!
Honey, the following is my own rambling opinion; ignore it by all means... but I write it in the hope it helps a little; if only to release you from guilt you should not be feeling. He did what HE wanted, all those years ago. You need to forgive him for his irresponsibility; otherwise it will eat you up. THAT, however, does NOT mean you have to resume a relationship with him. ("You know what, Dad? I forgive you for making a bad decision to leave us when we needed you. I no longer resent you for that. But, it meant we now have no relationship to resume. It finished. And although I bear you no grudge, I have managed without a father all the time I needed one; I no longer have need of such a relationship".)He severed it, you do NOT have to retie it. If your sister does, that is HER choice. You are entitled to the same choice, and need to explain to her, that you respect her choice, and she must respect yours.
Tell her that if and when you wish to know anything about him, you will ask; until then you would appreciate her keeping all talk of him away from you. Tell him you forgive him the past, but are not sure that you want or need a future with him in it. You needed him when you were little, now you do not.
Maybe, once you have got this off your chest, you will feel better. He was responsible for a lot of pain to you when you were a vulnerable child. Yopu are now a grown adult with choices. He made HIS choices, you can make yours. Without guilt.
God bless you and give you peace in whatever you decide to do. But don't let yourself be forced into anything against your better judgement. Love you loads, Daisy xxxxxx
Dear Grace, I kinda know what your feeling but I don't want to go into it for obviously reasons.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion is you should feel no guilt at all, it was he who left but I think you need to clear this so you can sort it in your own mind. I think maybe a visit to him may possibly help and if you do meet and you still feel the same and want no more contact, explain to him exactly and that if your sister wants to visit that her choice but not to bring you into it.
I know it's a hard choice but I would say visit as if anything happens to him suddenly and you didn't make the visit, it is something you may regret and be with you for along time.
Love.
Ronnie
xx
You have some smart friends here Grace. Dasiy put it well. You can be happy everyone is around and doing what makes them happy or gives them comfort and you should do the same. Give sister and sperm donor a smile and a "Don't call me, I'll call you - if I decide I want to"
ReplyDeleteLove you Grace
PK
Grace - I can't give you any advice. Maybe I had it easier than you. I dunno. Please stop by and read my post coming up this Sunday.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Hermione
You're not jealous; you just don't want to deal with any of this. He's not your father, a father raises their children and stays in contact with them and gives them love, support and wisdom.
ReplyDeleteShowing up when you're an adult saying "Hey, I'm your *dad*" is a
BS move on his part and you knew that when he showed up. So you made nice and kept a certain amount of contact because you are a nice person but now he's whining 'cause he's getting older and he wants more into your life because he's probably getting various illness and "omg, I'm getting old and I'm going to die and who is going to take care of me!? I know, my adult kids I know nothing about!".
This is way too common, it really is.
Well fuck him. He should have thought of all this back when he abandoned you.
If he says, "yeah, I didn't see a card from you" you say, "Yeah, I didn't really feel the need to send one; btw, where are my cards for my 6th, 7th, 8th, etc., birthdays? Where are my cards for my graduations, wedding? Eh? Why don't you send me those and then we'll talk about a card for you. Maybe."
Okay, so you won't be saying that because you are a nice person, lol.
But you can continue to distance yourself as you've been doing. If your sister tries this crap again, let her know that you are happy with the relationship you have with dad and you are happy she has the one she wants with dad and that's that. And tell her no more of this manipulative bullshit trying to guilt you out so you'll go visit.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting distance from him. He's basically a stranger to you; it's like asking you to be family with a stranger. And a stranger you don't even like very much.
Nothing wrong with what you are doing, you keep doing what you want to do. Stay nice, send cards here and there and leave it be. You have every right to be pissed off at this intrusion in your life at this point, I'd be pissed off too.
You have a right to anything you feel - even confusion. Keep reminding yourself that only you decide for you, and you just don't have to respond to anything bothersome if you don't want to. Find comfort in your family, and friends, and remember how much they love you. Thankfully, your future is much better than your past.
ReplyDeleteEveryones take here is true and valid, and good. I re-iterate, however, you need...NEED...to forgive him in your own mind and heart. Trust me, I KNOW this.
ReplyDeleteThe act of forgiving releases you, gives you a freedom from it all.
It will not assuage HIS guilt...but it will lift pain and burning and anger and resentment from you and leave you in a limbo of peace. He ruined your past with his selfishness and irresponsibility (you were tiny, you had no control over that) - but he cannot ruin your future unless you allow it.
Forgive him... in a symbolic way if you wish...write all the pain down and attach to a balloon...let it go, watch it float away.
Or, write him a letter. Explain that you are an adult now, and a parent. As a loving parent, you cannot understand how a father could walk away from his children, but he did, and that act forfeited his right to call you his daughter. Say you have forgiven him for what is past, but you are no longer a child in need of a father/daughter relationship. You wish him well in his new life, but you too have a new life - which (no offence) does not include him.
Whatever you want, or do not want, Grace, from him, its YOUR choice. Don't allow emotional blackmail. From anyone. You call the shots....you have that right, and although you are getting advice from all those who love you, at the end of the day, what you do has to be your decision, and no-one elses. Make the decision that brings YOU the most peace. Listen to your heart, and to that still, small voice. Hugs. Daisychain xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
gee, I can't shut up about this...Amber did it all so well in just a short phrase... "Well, fuck him. He should have thought of all this way back when he abandoned you" Yup, just about covers it... good for Amber!!! LOL