which is usually not a good thing...LOL
Anyway, I was thinking about how different people are. What I mean by that is that here I am, not feeling to terrible sexual lately and Bossman is always sexual. This is the story of our relationship. This has been a problem for us our entire relationship. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm a very sexual being. I enjoy sex. Just not that often. I'm more of a once a week kinda gal, Bossman would love once or twice a day, if he could. But then there are times when I am so horny I can't stand it, and I want sex all the time. But those times are usually in spurts and don't happen that often.
So the other day, I was reading Carrielilly's blog, and she has the opposite problem as I do. So how does that happen? I mean, Bossman would NEVER be too tired for sex. He would stay up all night if I would, and still get up for work on time. (albeit, very tired..LOL)
Of coure in Carries situation, she realized it was because he thought there would have to be a huge sex scene....so it really a case of misunderstanding. In my case though things are different. I've often suggested to Bossman that we don't have to have a big sex scene, I don't mind having a quickie, once in awhile, especially because I know he needs sex more than I. But he doesn't really like the quickie, because he part of his enjoyment is pleasing me! (what a sweet man I have!!)
So anyway, that was what I was thinking about...I know, it wasn't earth shattering...but isn't it funny how different we all truly are?
But yet....we are all the same...
later.......
All good things must come to an end....
Things have been a tad rough around my house lately. For some strange reason I've lost my sex drive...so this is a big problem with Bossman.
Now Bossman thinks it's due to the fact that I haven't been properly disciplined for a while. We just don't have any free time when there are no kids around. I'm sure that once school starts again we will be on track again. But still, school is still a good month away...sigh
So now I'm pondering the question, is the discipline directly tied to my sex drive? Must I now have discipline in order to feel sexual? And if this is the case, how is that going to affect the rest of my life? I don't really want the discipline to be tied to my sex drive. I've always thought that the 2 things were seperate. I mean, I had a sex drive before the discipline was in my life. Although, if I really think about it....I fantasized alot about it my whole life.
Ugh...this is really bugging me. I think I'm just going through a really stressful time in my life, I'm tired when I get home and sex just isn't really on my list. Of course this is all corresponding to the same time my discipline stopped, so I just can't decide what the true problem is.
I have to get my sex drive back soon or Bossman is going to explode. Why is it that guys never seem to have this problem? Why is it that the women always seem to be the once losing thier sex drive? It's just not fair!
Well, I have decided that no matter how stressful life has become, Bossman always comes first. I haven't shown that to him for awhile, and if he reads this before I do anything about it, he's going to laugh at this paragraph. But I am going to make it happen starting today. It doesn't matter if I feel like doing it, it just matters that I do it. And I'm not even talking about sex anymore, I just talking about him. He's been so wonderful to me though this time when I've been nothing but depressed, cranky, crabby, and basically not much fun to be around. So I must give some back.
So my goal for today is to do something nice for Bossman. Even though I'm going to be working 9 hours today, I'm sure I can think of something nice to do for him. And just thinking about that makes me feel closer to him already. And if I can accomplish that....then sex is just around the corner...
later.....
Now Bossman thinks it's due to the fact that I haven't been properly disciplined for a while. We just don't have any free time when there are no kids around. I'm sure that once school starts again we will be on track again. But still, school is still a good month away...sigh
So now I'm pondering the question, is the discipline directly tied to my sex drive? Must I now have discipline in order to feel sexual? And if this is the case, how is that going to affect the rest of my life? I don't really want the discipline to be tied to my sex drive. I've always thought that the 2 things were seperate. I mean, I had a sex drive before the discipline was in my life. Although, if I really think about it....I fantasized alot about it my whole life.
Ugh...this is really bugging me. I think I'm just going through a really stressful time in my life, I'm tired when I get home and sex just isn't really on my list. Of course this is all corresponding to the same time my discipline stopped, so I just can't decide what the true problem is.
I have to get my sex drive back soon or Bossman is going to explode. Why is it that guys never seem to have this problem? Why is it that the women always seem to be the once losing thier sex drive? It's just not fair!
Well, I have decided that no matter how stressful life has become, Bossman always comes first. I haven't shown that to him for awhile, and if he reads this before I do anything about it, he's going to laugh at this paragraph. But I am going to make it happen starting today. It doesn't matter if I feel like doing it, it just matters that I do it. And I'm not even talking about sex anymore, I just talking about him. He's been so wonderful to me though this time when I've been nothing but depressed, cranky, crabby, and basically not much fun to be around. So I must give some back.
So my goal for today is to do something nice for Bossman. Even though I'm going to be working 9 hours today, I'm sure I can think of something nice to do for him. And just thinking about that makes me feel closer to him already. And if I can accomplish that....then sex is just around the corner...
later.....
Still around
Well, I'm still around, I just haven't thought of anything interesting to write about.
My life has been pretty hectic lately, and with so much crap going on, it's hard to get motivated to write something. Life is still good with Bossman, but my job is very stressful right now, so I'm not sure what is going to happen with it.
So as far as the spankings are going....they are still going. Maybe not as much as before, but that is only because the kids are staying up alot later in the evening and so there hasn't been any time for a spanking. But things look promising for this weekend with the kids spending the night at Grandmas, I'm sure there will be some spankings for me. I'm told that I have been getting away with alot of stuff, and so I think my butt will pay. But that really is a good thing because when I don't get spanked very much, we don't seem to be as close as usual. I find myself wanting to crawl into myself, and be by myself alot more. Sometimes just having him touch me sets me on edge, and I'm not sure why. But I feel so much closer and more open to his affection after he has spanked me.
Just writing those words sounds weird to me. Why is spanking so connected to my emotions? Why do I feel so connected to him after he has spanked me, but so distant when he hasn't? I never thought my emotional life would be dependant on spanking. I would never have guess that I deperately need to be spanked. But now it seems like I can't really function properly unless I've been properly spanked.
So lets hope there is some spanking going on in my house this weekend, or god help Bossman because it will probably be worse then PMS...
later......
My life has been pretty hectic lately, and with so much crap going on, it's hard to get motivated to write something. Life is still good with Bossman, but my job is very stressful right now, so I'm not sure what is going to happen with it.
So as far as the spankings are going....they are still going. Maybe not as much as before, but that is only because the kids are staying up alot later in the evening and so there hasn't been any time for a spanking. But things look promising for this weekend with the kids spending the night at Grandmas, I'm sure there will be some spankings for me. I'm told that I have been getting away with alot of stuff, and so I think my butt will pay. But that really is a good thing because when I don't get spanked very much, we don't seem to be as close as usual. I find myself wanting to crawl into myself, and be by myself alot more. Sometimes just having him touch me sets me on edge, and I'm not sure why. But I feel so much closer and more open to his affection after he has spanked me.
Just writing those words sounds weird to me. Why is spanking so connected to my emotions? Why do I feel so connected to him after he has spanked me, but so distant when he hasn't? I never thought my emotional life would be dependant on spanking. I would never have guess that I deperately need to be spanked. But now it seems like I can't really function properly unless I've been properly spanked.
So lets hope there is some spanking going on in my house this weekend, or god help Bossman because it will probably be worse then PMS...
later......
Life is good.
Things are going so great in my life right now, I hate to say anything for fear of jinxing it!
But I just have to get this all down, so when the bad times show up I can read this and remember that things do get better!
Bossman and I are really getting along great. The other night, I told him some things about me from when we were first married that he didn't know. It got really personal, so I don't feel comfortable sharing it here, but after I told him he was really surprised. He said it changed his outlook about me, (in a good way) and he only wished he had known this stuff all those years ago, because now it just seems like wasted time to him.
But it's not wasted time in my book. All the years we've been together have been a learning experience. They have been a time of growing and maturing. We are both such different people than we were back then. I agree that had I shared my feelings back then, things might have been different sooner, but I think we are exactly where we should be right now.
D/d is going to a part of our lives forever. That night was the realization that it wasn't just some thing that we were experimenting with. It isn't some kinky sex thing that we will get bored with. This is our life now! Do you know how happy this makes me? I thought this was some sort of sick fantasy. When I first got married the internet wasn't really around, so I thought I was just plain nuts to even think this was something that normal people did. So I never thought it would be real for me. I really never thought I would be able to share such weird thoughts with my husband. We are the goodie two shoes that go to church every week and don't drink. So to think that my life would be like this....well it's a dream come true. How lucky am I?
So enough bragging, and on to some details. We have been having our nightly spankings with the back scratcher. We have a ritual of me going into the bedroom at 11 and waiting at the wall, holding the dreaded BS. (isn't that the perfect initials for it?) Bossman comes in, places me over his lap and smacks my bottom with that thing. He doesn't make it bad. I'm not in tears or anything. It's just enough to get my attention. It's enough to make my bottom sting for awhile, but it isn't anything like a punishment spanking.
Bossman said that he really enjoys this part of the day. This is the part of the day when he knows that for the next 20 or 30 minutes, he is in complete control, and I have submitted myself to him completely. He likes that! So I guess you could say it's a win win situation for us. I get his undivided attention, and he gets a wife that is completely submissive. I would say it's a great way to end the day. Of course 9 times out of 10, it leads to some great love making......ahhhhhhh, life is good!
later....
But I just have to get this all down, so when the bad times show up I can read this and remember that things do get better!
Bossman and I are really getting along great. The other night, I told him some things about me from when we were first married that he didn't know. It got really personal, so I don't feel comfortable sharing it here, but after I told him he was really surprised. He said it changed his outlook about me, (in a good way) and he only wished he had known this stuff all those years ago, because now it just seems like wasted time to him.
But it's not wasted time in my book. All the years we've been together have been a learning experience. They have been a time of growing and maturing. We are both such different people than we were back then. I agree that had I shared my feelings back then, things might have been different sooner, but I think we are exactly where we should be right now.
D/d is going to a part of our lives forever. That night was the realization that it wasn't just some thing that we were experimenting with. It isn't some kinky sex thing that we will get bored with. This is our life now! Do you know how happy this makes me? I thought this was some sort of sick fantasy. When I first got married the internet wasn't really around, so I thought I was just plain nuts to even think this was something that normal people did. So I never thought it would be real for me. I really never thought I would be able to share such weird thoughts with my husband. We are the goodie two shoes that go to church every week and don't drink. So to think that my life would be like this....well it's a dream come true. How lucky am I?
So enough bragging, and on to some details. We have been having our nightly spankings with the back scratcher. We have a ritual of me going into the bedroom at 11 and waiting at the wall, holding the dreaded BS. (isn't that the perfect initials for it?) Bossman comes in, places me over his lap and smacks my bottom with that thing. He doesn't make it bad. I'm not in tears or anything. It's just enough to get my attention. It's enough to make my bottom sting for awhile, but it isn't anything like a punishment spanking.
Bossman said that he really enjoys this part of the day. This is the part of the day when he knows that for the next 20 or 30 minutes, he is in complete control, and I have submitted myself to him completely. He likes that! So I guess you could say it's a win win situation for us. I get his undivided attention, and he gets a wife that is completely submissive. I would say it's a great way to end the day. Of course 9 times out of 10, it leads to some great love making......ahhhhhhh, life is good!
later....
Of d/d and childrens birthdays and other nonsense
Today is my little man's birthday. He is my baby! And now he's seven. He told me this morning that he was a big boy now, and I can't treat him like a baby anymore. Yeah, right, like that's gonna happen!
Where did the time go? When did he become this little person with thoughts and feelings and opinions about things? When did he realize that he could make decisions like what to wear, and how he wants his hair combed? And when did he become so freaking smart? He's only in 1st grade, but he's reading almost 4th grade level. And the biggest question of all is......when did I get this OLD? I mean, I already knew I was getting old, my 14yr old reminds me daily of how ancient I am. Well, life does continue on doesn't it.
Speaking of continuing on....d/d is still alive and kicking around here. Isn't it funny how relationships are? Ours is constantly up and down. And it's the same with the d/d. It's up for awhile, and then we seem to throw it on the back burner for awhile. Sometimes I think life just gets in the way. Well, its on the front burner right now.
Last year, before my grandma died, Bossman was spanking me every night. Not anything major, just enough to remind me that he was in charge. I didn't really think it was necessary, but I have to admit, Iwas alot more submissive. But then my grandma died, and things changed. Life for me changed. I almost wanted to give up the whole d/d thing. Almost, was the key word in that last sentence. I didn't really know what I wanted back then. But a couple of months ago, we had our big blow up, and I thought I had lost d/d forever. Lucky for me, I have the most understanding husband in the world, and so it didn't come to that. But I never could be back into the whole every night spanking routine. But last night Bossman decided every night was going to happen. Starting last night. He wants me to be more submissive, and I want to be more submissive, so we are going back to everynight for awhile. He has determined that weekends will be off, unless something really needs to be addressed. He said that he may not spank every night, but he wants to see me assume the position, to show my submission, every night. So I agreed that we would try this for awhile and see what happens.
Will this work? Who knows? But I'm all for trying to please my husband.
Speaking of pleasing my husband. He is so amazing, I just have write down what he said yesterday. The last couple of days have been sort of tense for us. We weren't really connecting. But yesterday, he said we needed to stop being so distant from each other. He said that everyday that we do that, is another day that we've wasted not being loving to each other. Every day that goes by is another day that we can't get back and we've wasted it!
So people, don't waste another day being distant from your lover. If something happens to you tomorrow, you will have wasted a perfectly good day with your lover.
Life is too short.....go make love or get a spanking or something....
later.......
Where did the time go? When did he become this little person with thoughts and feelings and opinions about things? When did he realize that he could make decisions like what to wear, and how he wants his hair combed? And when did he become so freaking smart? He's only in 1st grade, but he's reading almost 4th grade level. And the biggest question of all is......when did I get this OLD? I mean, I already knew I was getting old, my 14yr old reminds me daily of how ancient I am. Well, life does continue on doesn't it.
Speaking of continuing on....d/d is still alive and kicking around here. Isn't it funny how relationships are? Ours is constantly up and down. And it's the same with the d/d. It's up for awhile, and then we seem to throw it on the back burner for awhile. Sometimes I think life just gets in the way. Well, its on the front burner right now.
Last year, before my grandma died, Bossman was spanking me every night. Not anything major, just enough to remind me that he was in charge. I didn't really think it was necessary, but I have to admit, Iwas alot more submissive. But then my grandma died, and things changed. Life for me changed. I almost wanted to give up the whole d/d thing. Almost, was the key word in that last sentence. I didn't really know what I wanted back then. But a couple of months ago, we had our big blow up, and I thought I had lost d/d forever. Lucky for me, I have the most understanding husband in the world, and so it didn't come to that. But I never could be back into the whole every night spanking routine. But last night Bossman decided every night was going to happen. Starting last night. He wants me to be more submissive, and I want to be more submissive, so we are going back to everynight for awhile. He has determined that weekends will be off, unless something really needs to be addressed. He said that he may not spank every night, but he wants to see me assume the position, to show my submission, every night. So I agreed that we would try this for awhile and see what happens.
Will this work? Who knows? But I'm all for trying to please my husband.
Speaking of pleasing my husband. He is so amazing, I just have write down what he said yesterday. The last couple of days have been sort of tense for us. We weren't really connecting. But yesterday, he said we needed to stop being so distant from each other. He said that everyday that we do that, is another day that we've wasted not being loving to each other. Every day that goes by is another day that we can't get back and we've wasted it!
So people, don't waste another day being distant from your lover. If something happens to you tomorrow, you will have wasted a perfectly good day with your lover.
Life is too short.....go make love or get a spanking or something....
later.......
Book Tag
Ok, I was book tagged, and so I will give the answers, but I can't tag anyone cuz they've already been tagged...is this anything like getting picked last for the sports at school? LOL
Question 1: How many books do you own?
Answer: Lots and lots, and I like to trade out to others...but I have the whole collection of V.C Andrew books, starting of course with Flowers in the Attic. I also have the whole set of Diane Gabalon books, starting with Outlander. (BTW) In one of the Outlander books there was an excellent spanking scene, and references to childhood spankings.
Question 2: What was the last book I bought?
Answer: EASY, cuz I just bought it the other day, Midnight in the Garden of Good and of Evie, by Marianne Stillings.
Question 3: Last book I read
Answer: Same as question 2, I read it the same day I bought it.
Question 4: 5 books that mean something to me.
Answer: 1. The Bible....need I say more about that?
2. The Purpose Driven Life. This book has really changed my life.
3. The Outlander. This is one of the best love stories...I have read this book about 4 or 5 times!
4.Guess how much I love you. Ok, it's a childs book, but I love it so much and read it almost everyday to my son.
5. Alice in Wonderland. The reason this book means so much to me is because it's the very first chapter book I ever read as a kid. So I've always felt a certain connection with this book.
later.........
Question 1: How many books do you own?
Answer: Lots and lots, and I like to trade out to others...but I have the whole collection of V.C Andrew books, starting of course with Flowers in the Attic. I also have the whole set of Diane Gabalon books, starting with Outlander. (BTW) In one of the Outlander books there was an excellent spanking scene, and references to childhood spankings.
Question 2: What was the last book I bought?
Answer: EASY, cuz I just bought it the other day, Midnight in the Garden of Good and of Evie, by Marianne Stillings.
Question 3: Last book I read
Answer: Same as question 2, I read it the same day I bought it.
Question 4: 5 books that mean something to me.
Answer: 1. The Bible....need I say more about that?
2. The Purpose Driven Life. This book has really changed my life.
3. The Outlander. This is one of the best love stories...I have read this book about 4 or 5 times!
4.Guess how much I love you. Ok, it's a childs book, but I love it so much and read it almost everyday to my son.
5. Alice in Wonderland. The reason this book means so much to me is because it's the very first chapter book I ever read as a kid. So I've always felt a certain connection with this book.
later.........
Common courtesy...Does it still exist?
Ok, heres the question of the day, does anyone in the world still have common courtesy? Am I the only one that thinks that if your not going to show up when you said you would that you should call someone and let them know? Am I the only one that thinks that when you have plans with someone, that it is rude to leave them waiting?
This is the short story. My daughter was in a play. The last performance was Saturday afternoon. Bossman has an aunt and uncle that live about 3 hours away from us, and they said they were going to come and see my daughter in her play. (a little background here, we have traveled to their house at least 3 different times to see their daughter perform) All week long we spoke over the phone about the details. They reserved a hotel room for the night, and I spent HOURS cleaning my house. (ok, maybe not hours, but I really worked hard on my house.) I spent over an hour going over the directions to our house, to the school, to the hotel.
So day of the performance, we don't hear from them. We call their cell phone, no answer. The time to leave for the show comes, still we hear nothing. So I go to the play. I come home from the play. We make other plans for the evening, because like I said, we heard NOTHING.
So it's about 5 now, and the phone rings. It's my mother-in-law (MIL). She says, oh they made it to town, and they are at their hotel room resting. HUH??? They are in town? What happen, I ask? Oh, they stopped at a strawberry festival. WHAT? Oh yeah, and they want you guys to come over to my house tonight because they have christmas gifts for you. HUH? Christmas in May?
May I remind you, if your still following this story, we already made plans! So because my kids were really looking forward to seeing them, we cancelled our plans and we went to see them. But can I just say, I was PISSED! Somebody needed a spanking, and for once, it wasn't me!
I know, your wondering, like I am, why they didn't call. This question was never answered. I still don't know. But I'll tell you something, I won't be attending one of their functions for a very very long time!
So back to the question, what happened to common courtesy? Is it wrong of me to expect someone to call if they aren't showing up? Maybe I'm just expecting to much out of people. Yeah, that must be it. It's my fault for expecting too much out of people. ~sigh~ What is happening to this world?
~new subject~
I got spanked 3 times last week. This can be viewed as a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your perspective. Since I was the spankee, I would say, it was a bad thing at the time, but in the end, it was a very very good thing. Why do I feel so much love afterward? You would think it would be the other way around. You would think I would be upset afterward, but no, I am most happy after being taking care of. I feel so lucky that I have a husband that is willing to take care of me in this way.
~new subject~
Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Ok, Rex is into S&M. And he has talked Bree into participating. So the weird pharmacist snuck into the house, and found the "box" of goodies. And he tells Bree that her husband is telling everyone about their "inappropriate" behavior in the bedroom. Why did he have to call it inappropriate?
Why is S&M considered inappropriate? I think that what 2 consenting adults do in the bedroom, is between them, and I don't think it's inappropriate. I know there are alot of people that think my husband spanking me is inappropriate. But it's appropriate for us. Who decides what is appropriate, and what isn't? Who are "they"? They decide what is appropriate, they decide what is good and what isn't. THEY decide, and I want to know who THEY are and who left THEM in charge of the world?
Frankly, I'm really getting sick of THEM!!! Will somebody tell THEM that I think they need to mind their own business and stop telling us what is appropriate and what isn't.
Ok, I'll stop now, I'm done with my rant.
later..........
This is the short story. My daughter was in a play. The last performance was Saturday afternoon. Bossman has an aunt and uncle that live about 3 hours away from us, and they said they were going to come and see my daughter in her play. (a little background here, we have traveled to their house at least 3 different times to see their daughter perform) All week long we spoke over the phone about the details. They reserved a hotel room for the night, and I spent HOURS cleaning my house. (ok, maybe not hours, but I really worked hard on my house.) I spent over an hour going over the directions to our house, to the school, to the hotel.
So day of the performance, we don't hear from them. We call their cell phone, no answer. The time to leave for the show comes, still we hear nothing. So I go to the play. I come home from the play. We make other plans for the evening, because like I said, we heard NOTHING.
So it's about 5 now, and the phone rings. It's my mother-in-law (MIL). She says, oh they made it to town, and they are at their hotel room resting. HUH??? They are in town? What happen, I ask? Oh, they stopped at a strawberry festival. WHAT? Oh yeah, and they want you guys to come over to my house tonight because they have christmas gifts for you. HUH? Christmas in May?
May I remind you, if your still following this story, we already made plans! So because my kids were really looking forward to seeing them, we cancelled our plans and we went to see them. But can I just say, I was PISSED! Somebody needed a spanking, and for once, it wasn't me!
I know, your wondering, like I am, why they didn't call. This question was never answered. I still don't know. But I'll tell you something, I won't be attending one of their functions for a very very long time!
So back to the question, what happened to common courtesy? Is it wrong of me to expect someone to call if they aren't showing up? Maybe I'm just expecting to much out of people. Yeah, that must be it. It's my fault for expecting too much out of people. ~sigh~ What is happening to this world?
~new subject~
I got spanked 3 times last week. This can be viewed as a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your perspective. Since I was the spankee, I would say, it was a bad thing at the time, but in the end, it was a very very good thing. Why do I feel so much love afterward? You would think it would be the other way around. You would think I would be upset afterward, but no, I am most happy after being taking care of. I feel so lucky that I have a husband that is willing to take care of me in this way.
~new subject~
Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Ok, Rex is into S&M. And he has talked Bree into participating. So the weird pharmacist snuck into the house, and found the "box" of goodies. And he tells Bree that her husband is telling everyone about their "inappropriate" behavior in the bedroom. Why did he have to call it inappropriate?
Why is S&M considered inappropriate? I think that what 2 consenting adults do in the bedroom, is between them, and I don't think it's inappropriate. I know there are alot of people that think my husband spanking me is inappropriate. But it's appropriate for us. Who decides what is appropriate, and what isn't? Who are "they"? They decide what is appropriate, they decide what is good and what isn't. THEY decide, and I want to know who THEY are and who left THEM in charge of the world?
Frankly, I'm really getting sick of THEM!!! Will somebody tell THEM that I think they need to mind their own business and stop telling us what is appropriate and what isn't.
Ok, I'll stop now, I'm done with my rant.
later..........
Another year older
Ok, so I made it to another year! And just as I thought, the day wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Bossman treated me to some great sex in the morning, fixed me breakfast and pretty much treated me like a queen for the rest of the day. The wildchild is in a play at school, and my birthday night was opening night, so I got to see her act in her play. She was fabulous, as usual. She's incredibly talented, and I'm not just saying that because she's my child. She is talented in a lot of ways, and I'm just hoping she manages to figure out that she can use those talents and become something great. Now if only I could get her to study, I'd be a happy mama.
I screwed up Mothers day. I think I'm getting spanked for this one. See, we only have one car that works right now, so Bossman and I have to share. Well, I had to work on M-day and his mother lives near my work, so it was decided that I would drop off her gift on the way home from work. Now we had been to her house the day before, and forgotten to give her the gift, that was why I had to drop it off after work. Anyway, my mother-in-law, which we will now refer to as the MIL, has a thing about getting cards. I personally don't see a big deal with cards, I'd rather get a gift, (I know, how perfectly greedy of me) but she likes the mushy gooey cards. But we forgot the card. Bossman asked me to get a card for her, and I said I would, but I didn't. Now that may sound like something that is not a big deal, but of course, when I dropped off the gift, she made sure to make a comment about how it's been two years in a row now that we forgot to get her a card. (in case you haven't guessed I don't get along to well with the MIL, and that is a story for a different blog.) Anyway, the reason I didn't get the card, is because I didn't really feel like picking out a card that says a bunch of mushy gooey crap. So I didn't get a card. But in my defense, I did give her a great photo album with all kinds of pictures of the kids. But no card. Bossman was not happy. So when I got home and told him that I didn't get the card, I sort of had attitude about it.
Here's the dilemma. I said I would get the card. I didn't get the card. And when I got home, and told him, and he got upset with me, then I got attitude with him. I looked at him like he was nuts, and said, so your getting mad at meeee.....for not getting yourrrrrr mother a card??? Ok, that wasn't the smartest attitude to have with him. Ok, yes, maybe he should have planned ahead and gotten a card, but he didn't. And I did say I would get the card, and then I didn't. But then I had attitude, and then it ruined the rest of M-day for me. Because then he was in a bad mood, and I was in a bad mood.
Today I made another flippant remark about how he was crabby and he said, look, I'm over the part about not getting a card, but I was not happy with your attitude and that was the part that ruined everything. He said he wouldn't have been mad if it had just been the card, he said it was the attitude that made him upset.
So there you have it, I'll probably end up with a sore butt tomorrow, since I'm home and he's home and the kids will be at school. But you know what, I deserve it, because I ruined a perfectly good evening by having a stupid attitude over something that turned out to be not such a big deal. ~sigh~
I guess that's what d/d is all about.....
later........
I screwed up Mothers day. I think I'm getting spanked for this one. See, we only have one car that works right now, so Bossman and I have to share. Well, I had to work on M-day and his mother lives near my work, so it was decided that I would drop off her gift on the way home from work. Now we had been to her house the day before, and forgotten to give her the gift, that was why I had to drop it off after work. Anyway, my mother-in-law, which we will now refer to as the MIL, has a thing about getting cards. I personally don't see a big deal with cards, I'd rather get a gift, (I know, how perfectly greedy of me) but she likes the mushy gooey cards. But we forgot the card. Bossman asked me to get a card for her, and I said I would, but I didn't. Now that may sound like something that is not a big deal, but of course, when I dropped off the gift, she made sure to make a comment about how it's been two years in a row now that we forgot to get her a card. (in case you haven't guessed I don't get along to well with the MIL, and that is a story for a different blog.) Anyway, the reason I didn't get the card, is because I didn't really feel like picking out a card that says a bunch of mushy gooey crap. So I didn't get a card. But in my defense, I did give her a great photo album with all kinds of pictures of the kids. But no card. Bossman was not happy. So when I got home and told him that I didn't get the card, I sort of had attitude about it.
Here's the dilemma. I said I would get the card. I didn't get the card. And when I got home, and told him, and he got upset with me, then I got attitude with him. I looked at him like he was nuts, and said, so your getting mad at meeee.....for not getting yourrrrrr mother a card??? Ok, that wasn't the smartest attitude to have with him. Ok, yes, maybe he should have planned ahead and gotten a card, but he didn't. And I did say I would get the card, and then I didn't. But then I had attitude, and then it ruined the rest of M-day for me. Because then he was in a bad mood, and I was in a bad mood.
Today I made another flippant remark about how he was crabby and he said, look, I'm over the part about not getting a card, but I was not happy with your attitude and that was the part that ruined everything. He said he wouldn't have been mad if it had just been the card, he said it was the attitude that made him upset.
So there you have it, I'll probably end up with a sore butt tomorrow, since I'm home and he's home and the kids will be at school. But you know what, I deserve it, because I ruined a perfectly good evening by having a stupid attitude over something that turned out to be not such a big deal. ~sigh~
I guess that's what d/d is all about.....
later........
Birthday blues
I am having a birthday on Friday. I'm not really feeling very excited about it. It's not that I'm upset about getting older. That part doesn't bother me. I'm not really sure why I'm not caring about it. The only thing I can think of is that my Grandma passed away last Sept. and I am still waiting for the birthday card. She sent me a birthday card every year. It always had money in it, and I would always spend a month ahead of time anticipating the money and what I would buy with it. It wasn't even a lot of money, but it was money that I didn't have to feel guilty about spending on myself. And it was soooo fun thinking of all the things I might do with it.
I would think....hhhmmmm, maybe a new shirt, or maybe that pair of earrings I've been looking at, but never actually buy. Anyway, I can't even tell you what I've bought with the money over the years, because that wasn't even the important part, and that's not the part I miss. I just miss my Grandma. I miss running out to get the mail and looking for the birthday card. I miss that connection with my Grandma. Everyday this week I've checked the mail, and I've looked for the postmark, even though I knew it wouldn't be there. Every year, for the past 36 years, I've gotten a card from her in the mail. It was my mail, for me. When I turned into an adult, and bills started to come, her card was the best mail I got all year. Because she always remembered. Always. Now on my 37th birthday, I'll have to celebrate without my card. Without that connection that drew me close to her. Without her to say, Happy birthday. ~sigh~
I never really thought I would be this upset about a silly little card, but I guess it's those silly little things in life that make the most difference to us. It's those little things that mean the most. And now I'm wondering, did she know how much that meant to me? Did she know how much I enjoyed getting those cards from her? I hope so. I hope I told her before it was too late.
Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you. Tell them how much that card in the mail makes your day special. Tell them before it's too late.....
later........
I would think....hhhmmmm, maybe a new shirt, or maybe that pair of earrings I've been looking at, but never actually buy. Anyway, I can't even tell you what I've bought with the money over the years, because that wasn't even the important part, and that's not the part I miss. I just miss my Grandma. I miss running out to get the mail and looking for the birthday card. I miss that connection with my Grandma. Everyday this week I've checked the mail, and I've looked for the postmark, even though I knew it wouldn't be there. Every year, for the past 36 years, I've gotten a card from her in the mail. It was my mail, for me. When I turned into an adult, and bills started to come, her card was the best mail I got all year. Because she always remembered. Always. Now on my 37th birthday, I'll have to celebrate without my card. Without that connection that drew me close to her. Without her to say, Happy birthday. ~sigh~
I never really thought I would be this upset about a silly little card, but I guess it's those silly little things in life that make the most difference to us. It's those little things that mean the most. And now I'm wondering, did she know how much that meant to me? Did she know how much I enjoyed getting those cards from her? I hope so. I hope I told her before it was too late.
Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you. Tell them how much that card in the mail makes your day special. Tell them before it's too late.....
later........
Putting Bossman first
Putting your husband first...well that's something I never really gave much thought to until I realized how selfish I was being.
Putting your spouse first can be very hard when you have small children. I saw Oprah the other day, and I was amazed at all the wives and mothers putting the kids before the hubby. Kids are very important and I love mine to pieces, but as one lady on the show very nicely put it...I'm IN love with my husband, I'm not in love with my kids.
This doesn't mean I don't love my kids. And I didn't think the lady on the show meant that either, but you should have seen the response the lady got from the other mothers. How DARE she not be in love with her kids! But they didn't get it. These women are so busy being the perfect parents that they left the hubbies out in the dust. One lady even admitted that she watches TV during sex....so he can take care of his "business"! Is that what the world is coming to? Men are just "taking care of business" when they want to make love? I shudder to think that this is what is going on in homes across America. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.
I have to admit, a couple of weeks ago, I was those women. I was thinking only of myself and my kids, and I didn't really give much thought to my hubbies needs. But that has so changed. My kids will only live in my house for a short time, but hopefully, my marriage will last forever. When the kids are gone, if I haven't fulfilled my hubbies needs he may not be around anymore, or our relationship will be strained. How can I put my husbands needs second...for 20 years or so, and expect there to be any sort of chance for our relationship to survive?
My kids will still grow up. I will still be there for my kids every step of the way. But I will make sure that Bossman and I nurture our relationship too. I will NEVER ever watch TV while my Bossman is "doing his business" His business is my business and sex and love making will NEVER be business in my book!
Take the time to love your husbands and wives today. Take the time to hold hands, take the time to give him a kiss as he walks in the door tonight. Take the time. Your kids will know they have parents that love each other, and they will learn how to treat their partners went the time comes. Parents are the best roll models. Love your partner...do it for the kids!
later........
Putting your spouse first can be very hard when you have small children. I saw Oprah the other day, and I was amazed at all the wives and mothers putting the kids before the hubby. Kids are very important and I love mine to pieces, but as one lady on the show very nicely put it...I'm IN love with my husband, I'm not in love with my kids.
This doesn't mean I don't love my kids. And I didn't think the lady on the show meant that either, but you should have seen the response the lady got from the other mothers. How DARE she not be in love with her kids! But they didn't get it. These women are so busy being the perfect parents that they left the hubbies out in the dust. One lady even admitted that she watches TV during sex....so he can take care of his "business"! Is that what the world is coming to? Men are just "taking care of business" when they want to make love? I shudder to think that this is what is going on in homes across America. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.
I have to admit, a couple of weeks ago, I was those women. I was thinking only of myself and my kids, and I didn't really give much thought to my hubbies needs. But that has so changed. My kids will only live in my house for a short time, but hopefully, my marriage will last forever. When the kids are gone, if I haven't fulfilled my hubbies needs he may not be around anymore, or our relationship will be strained. How can I put my husbands needs second...for 20 years or so, and expect there to be any sort of chance for our relationship to survive?
My kids will still grow up. I will still be there for my kids every step of the way. But I will make sure that Bossman and I nurture our relationship too. I will NEVER ever watch TV while my Bossman is "doing his business" His business is my business and sex and love making will NEVER be business in my book!
Take the time to love your husbands and wives today. Take the time to hold hands, take the time to give him a kiss as he walks in the door tonight. Take the time. Your kids will know they have parents that love each other, and they will learn how to treat their partners went the time comes. Parents are the best roll models. Love your partner...do it for the kids!
later........
A few hours later....
What a difference a few hours can make!
The last blog really helped me sort out some things. As a result I realized that I was behaving worse than a child. For heaven sakes, I want my husband to read my mind, I want him to take care of all my needs, I want him to do things exactly the way I want them! Well, at first I didn't really think that was a problem. I mean really, isn't that what we all want? But reality kicked in, and I realized that it really wasn't fair at all. And since I'm being completely honest here, let's face it, I was topping from the bottom!
I was so upset to think that the whole d/d thing might be over, I didn't know what to do. After reading that blog, I didn't really want to publish it. I think that's because I didn't really want to face the truth. But I decided that since I spent all that time writing it, I might as well post it, even if it makes me sound petty and childish.
So, after I posted it, I decide I would scout out some more d/d sites, (like I haven't read them all...lol) and I managed to find lots of new ones. After reading stuff that was pretty much the same, I found some hot spanking stories and started reading them. Of course after I read them, I wanted to be spanked really bad. But I didn't really think that would happen, I figured I had scared Bossman to the point of never spanking me again. ~sigh
But after reading all the stuff I read, I realized what an ASS I've been. The light suddenly flashed in my head, and it dawned on me that I really screwed this up for myself. I wanted him to spank me, but I gave him a hard time every time he tried. I wasn't submissive AT ALL! He was just trying to give me what I wanted but I shot him down at every turn. All I wanted to do at the moment was apologize and make it right again. Plus I really wanted that spanking!
Well, Bossman showed up a few hours later...before the kids came home from school. I really needed to talk to him. But after reading all those stories, I was hot and horny too. So we went in the bedroom and I gave him a really great kiss. I think he was surprised that I kissed him like that, because even though we had make-up sex, I could still feel some tension between us. Anyway, I told him how sorry I was, how wrong I had been about everything. He said he forgave me, and we embraced for a few minutes. Then he said what do you need from me. And I said, I need him to read my mind. Well, he did. He said, I think you need a spanking. To which I blushed and hid my head in his chest. So then I kissed him again, and then he said pull your pants down. To which I gratefully complied. After being securely over his lap, he spanked me kinda long and kinda hard. It was such a relief. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I was that he spanked me.
Of course it goes without saying that we had really hot sex afterward...YIPPEE!!! It was so yummy and hot, and wonderful, and I felt the tension lift immediately. We had to pick the little man up from school, so there wasn't much time for chit chat afterward. But later in the afternoon, we had a few minutes to talk and I really wanted to tell him that I had a different plan for the d/d and I wanted to know what he thought of it.
The way I figured it out was this, I realized that before he decided to spank me, I needed a little warning. I needed him to tell me when. I figure if he does this, this will give me enough time to prepare myself and then I will not be so quick to fight. I will be more willing to submit. A least this is my hope. And I told him all this, and he thinks its a great idea. We are going to try it and see how it goes.
You don't know how happy I am. I really really thought d/d was over for us. I really thought I had pushed Bossman to the point of no return. So I am so anxious to see how this works, I almost wish I had done something to deserve it right now. Notice I said "almost"!
So until the next time..
later.......
The last blog really helped me sort out some things. As a result I realized that I was behaving worse than a child. For heaven sakes, I want my husband to read my mind, I want him to take care of all my needs, I want him to do things exactly the way I want them! Well, at first I didn't really think that was a problem. I mean really, isn't that what we all want? But reality kicked in, and I realized that it really wasn't fair at all. And since I'm being completely honest here, let's face it, I was topping from the bottom!
I was so upset to think that the whole d/d thing might be over, I didn't know what to do. After reading that blog, I didn't really want to publish it. I think that's because I didn't really want to face the truth. But I decided that since I spent all that time writing it, I might as well post it, even if it makes me sound petty and childish.
So, after I posted it, I decide I would scout out some more d/d sites, (like I haven't read them all...lol) and I managed to find lots of new ones. After reading stuff that was pretty much the same, I found some hot spanking stories and started reading them. Of course after I read them, I wanted to be spanked really bad. But I didn't really think that would happen, I figured I had scared Bossman to the point of never spanking me again. ~sigh
But after reading all the stuff I read, I realized what an ASS I've been. The light suddenly flashed in my head, and it dawned on me that I really screwed this up for myself. I wanted him to spank me, but I gave him a hard time every time he tried. I wasn't submissive AT ALL! He was just trying to give me what I wanted but I shot him down at every turn. All I wanted to do at the moment was apologize and make it right again. Plus I really wanted that spanking!
Well, Bossman showed up a few hours later...before the kids came home from school. I really needed to talk to him. But after reading all those stories, I was hot and horny too. So we went in the bedroom and I gave him a really great kiss. I think he was surprised that I kissed him like that, because even though we had make-up sex, I could still feel some tension between us. Anyway, I told him how sorry I was, how wrong I had been about everything. He said he forgave me, and we embraced for a few minutes. Then he said what do you need from me. And I said, I need him to read my mind. Well, he did. He said, I think you need a spanking. To which I blushed and hid my head in his chest. So then I kissed him again, and then he said pull your pants down. To which I gratefully complied. After being securely over his lap, he spanked me kinda long and kinda hard. It was such a relief. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I was that he spanked me.
Of course it goes without saying that we had really hot sex afterward...YIPPEE!!! It was so yummy and hot, and wonderful, and I felt the tension lift immediately. We had to pick the little man up from school, so there wasn't much time for chit chat afterward. But later in the afternoon, we had a few minutes to talk and I really wanted to tell him that I had a different plan for the d/d and I wanted to know what he thought of it.
The way I figured it out was this, I realized that before he decided to spank me, I needed a little warning. I needed him to tell me when. I figure if he does this, this will give me enough time to prepare myself and then I will not be so quick to fight. I will be more willing to submit. A least this is my hope. And I told him all this, and he thinks its a great idea. We are going to try it and see how it goes.
You don't know how happy I am. I really really thought d/d was over for us. I really thought I had pushed Bossman to the point of no return. So I am so anxious to see how this works, I almost wish I had done something to deserve it right now. Notice I said "almost"!
So until the next time..
later.......
Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week
Last week I had typed in a really long entry. It told all about our trip to Vegas, it told all about the concert with Huey. It was also very positive about the d/d.
Bogger lost my post. I hit the publish button. I received a cannot find this page, error. I freaked. I hit the "back" button, I hit the recover post button......nothing. My post was lost in cyberspace. My post, that I spent over an hour composing...LOST!
Fine...I decided I wasn't going to post for awhile.....
Then came Saturday.
Saturday started out to be a great day. We went to a friends house for lunch, the kids were going to spend the night at grandma's, so the evening should have been promising too....right?
That night, we watched a movie. After the movie we went into the bedroom. I was feeling a little bratty. Bossman backed me into a corner and tried to pull my arms above my head. I hate that. I pushed away and crossed the room so I could get ready for bed. I got into bed and watched Bossman getting ready for bed. I could tell that he was upset that I had pushed him away. I thought......he was mad. He got in bed and wanted me to snuggle close to him. I got up next to him, but I wasn't very receptive to his affections. Remember, I thought he was mad...I really thought that. So, suddenly, he flips me over and starts spanking me.
Just so you know, I like to be mentally prepared for stuff like this. I wasn't. It felt so wrong...so mean. I thought he was just taking his anger out on me....remember, I thought he was mad. So I didn't make a sound, and suddenly the pain was too much and I yelled STOP...really loud. Well, he stopped all right. And then I made the worst mistake ever. I asked him if he felt better now. SIGH.....what the hell was I thinking? Well, if he wasn't mad yet, he sure was mad now.
I'm guessing you know the tragic end to this horrible story. Yes, we fought, and we fought bitterly. The night was ruined, we went to bed mad at each other....and the next 2 days were pure hell.
Finally on Tuesday, we decide to talk. Bossman tells me, we can't do d/d anymore. WHAT? Now I'm completely upset. I really didn't expect that. After further discussion, I find out he wasn't mad that night, and he thought he was just exercising his right to spank when I needed it. True, I needed a spanking that night. But it just didn't come out right. It felt so wrong. I wasn't the only one who felt it was wrong. Bossman said he felt like he was beating me, and that was why we couldn't continue with the d/d because couldn't do that anymore. He didn't want to feel like he was beating me. He just couldn't do that to me.
Ok, I respect that. But where do we go from here? I felt like my world that I know it, has come to an end. I felt like he didn't want to take care of me anymore. I felt like he was abandoning me.
But that's not the end of the story. For he told me yesterday, he is still taking care of me. He doesn't think spanking is completely out, but we have to figure out a different way of handling it. He's been very loving to me the last couple of days, and we had GREAT make-up sex. (I love make up sex)
So where does this all leave us? Where to we go from here? I've been searching blogs, and websites for the answers, but I can't seem to find any that fit. In my lost blog, I had written that I felt our d/d needed some structure. I felt like we needed some guidelines to live by. Maybe that is what is holding us back, maybe we don't have the guidelines we need in this part of our relationship. Has anyone written the d/d handbook? Are there rules we should follow? It's so nice to say...everyone is different and we need to make up the rules for ourselves, but that really doesn't help me. Nope that doesn't help me at all.
So we shall continue the journey. I shall search high and low until I can find something that fits us, and our needs.... I have too, for right now I feel like I lost something very important. I have to find it.
later...........
Bogger lost my post. I hit the publish button. I received a cannot find this page, error. I freaked. I hit the "back" button, I hit the recover post button......nothing. My post was lost in cyberspace. My post, that I spent over an hour composing...LOST!
Fine...I decided I wasn't going to post for awhile.....
Then came Saturday.
Saturday started out to be a great day. We went to a friends house for lunch, the kids were going to spend the night at grandma's, so the evening should have been promising too....right?
That night, we watched a movie. After the movie we went into the bedroom. I was feeling a little bratty. Bossman backed me into a corner and tried to pull my arms above my head. I hate that. I pushed away and crossed the room so I could get ready for bed. I got into bed and watched Bossman getting ready for bed. I could tell that he was upset that I had pushed him away. I thought......he was mad. He got in bed and wanted me to snuggle close to him. I got up next to him, but I wasn't very receptive to his affections. Remember, I thought he was mad...I really thought that. So, suddenly, he flips me over and starts spanking me.
Just so you know, I like to be mentally prepared for stuff like this. I wasn't. It felt so wrong...so mean. I thought he was just taking his anger out on me....remember, I thought he was mad. So I didn't make a sound, and suddenly the pain was too much and I yelled STOP...really loud. Well, he stopped all right. And then I made the worst mistake ever. I asked him if he felt better now. SIGH.....what the hell was I thinking? Well, if he wasn't mad yet, he sure was mad now.
I'm guessing you know the tragic end to this horrible story. Yes, we fought, and we fought bitterly. The night was ruined, we went to bed mad at each other....and the next 2 days were pure hell.
Finally on Tuesday, we decide to talk. Bossman tells me, we can't do d/d anymore. WHAT? Now I'm completely upset. I really didn't expect that. After further discussion, I find out he wasn't mad that night, and he thought he was just exercising his right to spank when I needed it. True, I needed a spanking that night. But it just didn't come out right. It felt so wrong. I wasn't the only one who felt it was wrong. Bossman said he felt like he was beating me, and that was why we couldn't continue with the d/d because couldn't do that anymore. He didn't want to feel like he was beating me. He just couldn't do that to me.
Ok, I respect that. But where do we go from here? I felt like my world that I know it, has come to an end. I felt like he didn't want to take care of me anymore. I felt like he was abandoning me.
But that's not the end of the story. For he told me yesterday, he is still taking care of me. He doesn't think spanking is completely out, but we have to figure out a different way of handling it. He's been very loving to me the last couple of days, and we had GREAT make-up sex. (I love make up sex)
So where does this all leave us? Where to we go from here? I've been searching blogs, and websites for the answers, but I can't seem to find any that fit. In my lost blog, I had written that I felt our d/d needed some structure. I felt like we needed some guidelines to live by. Maybe that is what is holding us back, maybe we don't have the guidelines we need in this part of our relationship. Has anyone written the d/d handbook? Are there rules we should follow? It's so nice to say...everyone is different and we need to make up the rules for ourselves, but that really doesn't help me. Nope that doesn't help me at all.
So we shall continue the journey. I shall search high and low until I can find something that fits us, and our needs.... I have too, for right now I feel like I lost something very important. I have to find it.
later...........
I'm baaaackkkk!
Well, we made it back from Vegas...and we had a great time! I will tell all later...I hope.
Thanks for responding to my last blog. When we got home from Vegas, our computer crashed, so we are on a sad, delapitated, borrowed, computer that really shouldn't actually be working, but by some miracle, is working for internet only.
Isn't it wonderful to find out there are people in this world that are going through, or have gone through the things your going through? It really makes me feel like I'm not such a freak in this world. Things are still up and down, but I love all the advice and just the support makes me feel much better about things. Bossman doesn't always read my blog, so I will make sure he reads the last one, and the helpful comments as well.
I want to make this work....I just NEED it to work.....it will work...it will.....
later.....
Thanks for responding to my last blog. When we got home from Vegas, our computer crashed, so we are on a sad, delapitated, borrowed, computer that really shouldn't actually be working, but by some miracle, is working for internet only.
Isn't it wonderful to find out there are people in this world that are going through, or have gone through the things your going through? It really makes me feel like I'm not such a freak in this world. Things are still up and down, but I love all the advice and just the support makes me feel much better about things. Bossman doesn't always read my blog, so I will make sure he reads the last one, and the helpful comments as well.
I want to make this work....I just NEED it to work.....it will work...it will.....
later.....
One step forward, two steps back
This seems to be the pattern that our d/d relationship takes. It's like a weird dance. We take one step forward, and everything seems like it's going to work out, and then one wrong move and BAM, we've taken 2 steps back.
I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs...nothing in this world is perfect, (except maybe cake batter ice cream with brownie from Cold Stone, and if you have a cold stone near you and you haven't tried it yet....uh...HURRY UP already!...now back to our regularly scheduled programming) but still, I would like to find some sort of happy medium where things don't always have to get so out of whack all the time.
I learn so much from the internet, I sometimes wonder what I ever did before the internet, and what would I do if the internet stopped existing? (thank god that will never happen) I've read so much on this d/d stuff, I feel like an expert on the subject. And I AM an expert...in my mind. In my mind it works out perfectly and everyone is happy. (mainly me and Bossman) But it is so much harder in real life. Sometimes I feel like we should just forget about it. It seems to be to much of a bother, it's too big for us to take on. It's too much responsibility. It's too much work. But isn't that what relationships, in general are? Work? So why is this so hard?
I feel like it's my fault. I want this. I need this. I asked for this. Yet, I tend to get pissy when the time comes to own up to my mistakes. When that happens Bossman backs away. Why, you ask? Because, in the end, Bossman cares about me too much! He doesn't really want to hurt me. He doesn't want a confrontation. He's doing this for me. So if he thinks I don't like it, or want it, or fight too much, he just stops.
I realize he is doing this because of me. I also realize he wants to do it. We just haven't figured out how to overcome the part where I'm not in a submissive mood. I don't want to be in a d/d relationship only when the mood strikes, I want it all the time. But I understand his side of things, he doesn't want to have a big blow up. He wants me to comply, and I want to comply, but you know how moods are.....
Funny thing is, I really do want this, and as soon as he walks away, I feel like crap. I'm so sorry I acted like that, and I wish to god I could take it all back. But then it's finished, and it takes us days to work it all out again.
One step forward, two steps back........sigh
later.......
I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs...nothing in this world is perfect, (except maybe cake batter ice cream with brownie from Cold Stone, and if you have a cold stone near you and you haven't tried it yet....uh...HURRY UP already!...now back to our regularly scheduled programming) but still, I would like to find some sort of happy medium where things don't always have to get so out of whack all the time.
I learn so much from the internet, I sometimes wonder what I ever did before the internet, and what would I do if the internet stopped existing? (thank god that will never happen) I've read so much on this d/d stuff, I feel like an expert on the subject. And I AM an expert...in my mind. In my mind it works out perfectly and everyone is happy. (mainly me and Bossman) But it is so much harder in real life. Sometimes I feel like we should just forget about it. It seems to be to much of a bother, it's too big for us to take on. It's too much responsibility. It's too much work. But isn't that what relationships, in general are? Work? So why is this so hard?
I feel like it's my fault. I want this. I need this. I asked for this. Yet, I tend to get pissy when the time comes to own up to my mistakes. When that happens Bossman backs away. Why, you ask? Because, in the end, Bossman cares about me too much! He doesn't really want to hurt me. He doesn't want a confrontation. He's doing this for me. So if he thinks I don't like it, or want it, or fight too much, he just stops.
I realize he is doing this because of me. I also realize he wants to do it. We just haven't figured out how to overcome the part where I'm not in a submissive mood. I don't want to be in a d/d relationship only when the mood strikes, I want it all the time. But I understand his side of things, he doesn't want to have a big blow up. He wants me to comply, and I want to comply, but you know how moods are.....
Funny thing is, I really do want this, and as soon as he walks away, I feel like crap. I'm so sorry I acted like that, and I wish to god I could take it all back. But then it's finished, and it takes us days to work it all out again.
One step forward, two steps back........sigh
later.......
What happens next?
What happens when you break a rule and you don't really feel like you should be punished?
What happens when you fight your way out of it, and then you feel bad because you got out of it?
What happens when you realize you should be punished?
What happens when you wish you would have just kept your mouth shut, but you didn't?
What happens when you promise to submit to your partner, but then don't?
What happens when you NEED to be controlled and your not?
What happens when you KNOW your partner is trying, and your not?
What happens when your guilt overwhelms you?
What happens next?
later......
What happens when you fight your way out of it, and then you feel bad because you got out of it?
What happens when you realize you should be punished?
What happens when you wish you would have just kept your mouth shut, but you didn't?
What happens when you promise to submit to your partner, but then don't?
What happens when you NEED to be controlled and your not?
What happens when you KNOW your partner is trying, and your not?
What happens when your guilt overwhelms you?
What happens next?
later......
Watch out Vegas...here I come!
Hooray for me! I get to go to Vegas! Bossman has earned a trip there, with expenses paid. The best part of this trip is the kidlets are staying HOME!
I am so looking forward to going. The trip is only one week after our 16th anniversary, so this is going to be a great little trip for us.
Did you notice I said 16 years? Can it really be that long since we got married? It seems like only yesterday. Isn't that what everyone says? But really, what happened to the time? How did the wildchild end up in highschool? How did I end up here, right now, typing away my thoughts on a computer? Time is such a weird concept. When your in the moment, you don't realize that the moment will pass, and your life will change. How boring it would be if we stayed the same. But on the other hand, I hate change. I like being in my comfort zone, knowing what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen. But one day you look around and you think....when did that change? When did my kids get taller? When did my daughter decide to become a real person? With thoughts and feelings, no less. When did my son stop wearing diapers, and start reading books by himself? WHEN did this happen?
And then I look back at my relationship with Bossman and I think...WHOA...when did we become THESE people? When did we get into this d/d concept? How did all this come to pass?
When I look back at our wedding day, I remember 2 very young people that didn't have a clue about life. I remember not even really knowing what it was in life that I wanted. Bossman and I had dated for 3 years, part of those years in high school. We had no clue what life was all about, we just knew we wanted to grow up. So we dated, and then we just figured getting married was the next step in life. Don't get me wrong, we were in love, but what is love really when your that young? We didn't know what love was. But we got married. We had a great wedding. And then what? Did we know how to treat each other? Did we really know what married life was all about? NOPE. We hadn't a clue. On our first ann. we found out we were expecting a little bundle of joy. (the wildchild) What the heck were we going to do with a baby? Well, we had the baby, and we kept living our life. We muddled through the years, and frankly if we hadn't had the wildchild we probably would have gotten a divorce. We were just too young. We hadn't grown up. We weren't mature. We hadn't experience life yet. But we stayed together. So we muddle through the years together. About 5 years ago, Bossman decided to change careers. The kids and I have to go stay with my sis-in law, while he tries to get his career going. We suddenly realize....we love each other. I hated being apart from him. He hated being away from me.
When we finally got back together, I started telling him about d/d. It was just little things, I could never just come right out and talk about it. I was embarrassed. I still am. But I started printing out stories. And we started communicating. And things just evolved from there.
We are more in love than ever. I could never imagine being apart from Bossman. He is the light of my life. He makes me the person I am today.
16 years seems like a long time. But in the grand scheme of things....it's just been one stepping stone after another, and the stones keep getting bigger and bigger, so we won't fall in the river.
Even if I start to fall, at least I know Bossman is there to catch me.
later........
I am so looking forward to going. The trip is only one week after our 16th anniversary, so this is going to be a great little trip for us.
Did you notice I said 16 years? Can it really be that long since we got married? It seems like only yesterday. Isn't that what everyone says? But really, what happened to the time? How did the wildchild end up in highschool? How did I end up here, right now, typing away my thoughts on a computer? Time is such a weird concept. When your in the moment, you don't realize that the moment will pass, and your life will change. How boring it would be if we stayed the same. But on the other hand, I hate change. I like being in my comfort zone, knowing what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen. But one day you look around and you think....when did that change? When did my kids get taller? When did my daughter decide to become a real person? With thoughts and feelings, no less. When did my son stop wearing diapers, and start reading books by himself? WHEN did this happen?
And then I look back at my relationship with Bossman and I think...WHOA...when did we become THESE people? When did we get into this d/d concept? How did all this come to pass?
When I look back at our wedding day, I remember 2 very young people that didn't have a clue about life. I remember not even really knowing what it was in life that I wanted. Bossman and I had dated for 3 years, part of those years in high school. We had no clue what life was all about, we just knew we wanted to grow up. So we dated, and then we just figured getting married was the next step in life. Don't get me wrong, we were in love, but what is love really when your that young? We didn't know what love was. But we got married. We had a great wedding. And then what? Did we know how to treat each other? Did we really know what married life was all about? NOPE. We hadn't a clue. On our first ann. we found out we were expecting a little bundle of joy. (the wildchild) What the heck were we going to do with a baby? Well, we had the baby, and we kept living our life. We muddled through the years, and frankly if we hadn't had the wildchild we probably would have gotten a divorce. We were just too young. We hadn't grown up. We weren't mature. We hadn't experience life yet. But we stayed together. So we muddle through the years together. About 5 years ago, Bossman decided to change careers. The kids and I have to go stay with my sis-in law, while he tries to get his career going. We suddenly realize....we love each other. I hated being apart from him. He hated being away from me.
When we finally got back together, I started telling him about d/d. It was just little things, I could never just come right out and talk about it. I was embarrassed. I still am. But I started printing out stories. And we started communicating. And things just evolved from there.
We are more in love than ever. I could never imagine being apart from Bossman. He is the light of my life. He makes me the person I am today.
16 years seems like a long time. But in the grand scheme of things....it's just been one stepping stone after another, and the stones keep getting bigger and bigger, so we won't fall in the river.
Even if I start to fall, at least I know Bossman is there to catch me.
later........
Couple of days ago, Bossman gave me quite the spanking. It was everything that I love and hate all combined.
First he said he just wanted to spank me because he felt like I needed it. It was nothing specific, it was "just because". So first he pulled down my pants and panties, and then had me stand in the corner. Why is that such a turn on for me? I don't get it. I feel so lame doing it, but it's also so freakin' hot.
He kept coming up to me and slapping my bottom. He said it was warm up. Ok fine, but then got out the backscracher and started slapping me with that. God that thing hurts. So then he led me out of the corner, and I thought, hey that wasn't so bad, but then he said now it's time to get over my knee. WHAT? I thought we were done. I, of course, started whining, complaining, but I thought you were done.....
He didn't accept that. Instead he positioned me over his lap and started the real spanking.....with the paddle. OUCH. That's about all I can say. It hurt, it burned, and it was so HOT!!! I kept thinking, I hate this, I love this, I hate this, I love this.... Could someone turn off the voices in my head?
Anyway, I felt extremely subby, and very loved. Sometimes I wonder if I could do something to make him do that again, but its so random in our relationship that I'm not sure what would make him do that again. Plus, I am not the type of person that wants to be bratty on purpose, just for the sake of discipline. I really want discipline to be real, that's why I hate the fact that I find it hot. But I suppose if I didn't find it hot, then I wouldn't be interested in having in my life. But I suppose that's really not true either, because I know of lots of couples that don't find discipline hot, but still have it in their lives.
Well, Bossman assures me that he will be disciplining me when the need arises, so I will continue to hope that this will be a bigger part of our lives, once again. I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with this. And hopefully we will be happier for it.
later.........
First he said he just wanted to spank me because he felt like I needed it. It was nothing specific, it was "just because". So first he pulled down my pants and panties, and then had me stand in the corner. Why is that such a turn on for me? I don't get it. I feel so lame doing it, but it's also so freakin' hot.
He kept coming up to me and slapping my bottom. He said it was warm up. Ok fine, but then got out the backscracher and started slapping me with that. God that thing hurts. So then he led me out of the corner, and I thought, hey that wasn't so bad, but then he said now it's time to get over my knee. WHAT? I thought we were done. I, of course, started whining, complaining, but I thought you were done.....
He didn't accept that. Instead he positioned me over his lap and started the real spanking.....with the paddle. OUCH. That's about all I can say. It hurt, it burned, and it was so HOT!!! I kept thinking, I hate this, I love this, I hate this, I love this.... Could someone turn off the voices in my head?
Anyway, I felt extremely subby, and very loved. Sometimes I wonder if I could do something to make him do that again, but its so random in our relationship that I'm not sure what would make him do that again. Plus, I am not the type of person that wants to be bratty on purpose, just for the sake of discipline. I really want discipline to be real, that's why I hate the fact that I find it hot. But I suppose if I didn't find it hot, then I wouldn't be interested in having in my life. But I suppose that's really not true either, because I know of lots of couples that don't find discipline hot, but still have it in their lives.
Well, Bossman assures me that he will be disciplining me when the need arises, so I will continue to hope that this will be a bigger part of our lives, once again. I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with this. And hopefully we will be happier for it.
later.........
Update
Back in Sept, I lost my Grandmother. It was the first time I've lost a close family member, and I really took it hard. Since that time, Bossman and I have been unable to get back into the d/d aspect of life. It just seemed so trivial, so unimportant, such a waste of time. Bossman, being the good man that he is, gave me the time and space I needed without putting pressure on me to continue d/d. As time went on, I kept saying I wanted to quit that part of our life. I felt like I had no direction, no purpose, I really felt that life was meaningless. Of course now I realize that I was going through a grieving process.
The good news is, Bossman wouldn't, and didn't give up on d/d. No, he didn't spank, but everytime I said I just wanted to give it up, he said he didn't think it was a good idea. He reminded me of how far we had come in our relationship, and how much better our relationship was because of it. So we didn't really give it up, but it was on the "back burner", so to speak
So now, a new year has arrived. I still came to my spanking sites and I realized, I missed this part of my life. I needed him to discipline when needed. Time is healing my grieving heart, but I still had a void where the discipline should have been. So, we've been trying again. It's been hard, but we feel like we are back to square one. He doesn't quite understand what I need, and I don't quite know how to explain it.
I've also come across a very good article at Bethany's woodshed. It really explains in detail things that are expected from the spanker and the spankee. I printed it out, and he read it, and he said it sounded like I wrote it, because it was all the things I had been telling him.
Update: I wrote that for a d/d club that I'm a member of, but I haven't been contributing to. Truth be told, I have been having a hard time even thinking of things to write about for this blog, and that's why there haven't been many posts. But after a long heart to heart with Bossman, and finding that great article, I think we are getting back on track. I hope so.
I read in someone elses blog... Sorry I can't remember which blog...that she was afraid she was just trying to make her husband like this whole d/d life. Honestly, I can totally relate. My husband assures me that he is very happy doing this, I still feel like I'm the weird one and he's just doing it to please me. I'm going to try really hard to squash those feelings because they make the whole d/d thing seem wrong, and although my instinct is think that is wrong, the more I read on the web, the more I realize I'm not alone, and it's not weird.
Society has made the world believe that certain things are wrong, and certain things are right. But who is society and why did they get to decide? I bet if people were honest they would probably agree with alot of the d/d aspects. Ambers stated in her blog that 80 something percent of all d/d or d/s relationships were heterosexual. But that it used to be that most relationships of that nature used to be gay or lesbian. (sorry if I didn't quote that exactly) That really made me think. And it made me realize that I'm not that weird after all. (ok, I'm really weird...but in a good way...LOL)
Anyway, does this blog have a point? Probably not, but if your still reading after all that blah blah blah...Well what can I say? We're starting over....again....with d/d. Will it work this time? Who knows? But I do know, that I'm not giving up!
I need it too much to ever go back!
later......
The good news is, Bossman wouldn't, and didn't give up on d/d. No, he didn't spank, but everytime I said I just wanted to give it up, he said he didn't think it was a good idea. He reminded me of how far we had come in our relationship, and how much better our relationship was because of it. So we didn't really give it up, but it was on the "back burner", so to speak
So now, a new year has arrived. I still came to my spanking sites and I realized, I missed this part of my life. I needed him to discipline when needed. Time is healing my grieving heart, but I still had a void where the discipline should have been. So, we've been trying again. It's been hard, but we feel like we are back to square one. He doesn't quite understand what I need, and I don't quite know how to explain it.
I've also come across a very good article at Bethany's woodshed. It really explains in detail things that are expected from the spanker and the spankee. I printed it out, and he read it, and he said it sounded like I wrote it, because it was all the things I had been telling him.
Update: I wrote that for a d/d club that I'm a member of, but I haven't been contributing to. Truth be told, I have been having a hard time even thinking of things to write about for this blog, and that's why there haven't been many posts. But after a long heart to heart with Bossman, and finding that great article, I think we are getting back on track. I hope so.
I read in someone elses blog... Sorry I can't remember which blog...that she was afraid she was just trying to make her husband like this whole d/d life. Honestly, I can totally relate. My husband assures me that he is very happy doing this, I still feel like I'm the weird one and he's just doing it to please me. I'm going to try really hard to squash those feelings because they make the whole d/d thing seem wrong, and although my instinct is think that is wrong, the more I read on the web, the more I realize I'm not alone, and it's not weird.
Society has made the world believe that certain things are wrong, and certain things are right. But who is society and why did they get to decide? I bet if people were honest they would probably agree with alot of the d/d aspects. Ambers stated in her blog that 80 something percent of all d/d or d/s relationships were heterosexual. But that it used to be that most relationships of that nature used to be gay or lesbian. (sorry if I didn't quote that exactly) That really made me think. And it made me realize that I'm not that weird after all. (ok, I'm really weird...but in a good way...LOL)
Anyway, does this blog have a point? Probably not, but if your still reading after all that blah blah blah...Well what can I say? We're starting over....again....with d/d. Will it work this time? Who knows? But I do know, that I'm not giving up!
I need it too much to ever go back!
later......
Make-up sex
Ahhhhh, is there anything better than make-up sex? I can't think of a thing better.
Bossman and I had a huge fight. I hurt his feelings, he hurt my feelings, and it turned into 3 days of hell.
So today, he comes out and tells me he wants to make up with me, and I really wanted to make up with him, so after talking a bit, we start kissing. I really missed him. It's funny how you can go a couple of days without really being affectionate, and then that first touch.....it's just amazing. It's like you've been deprived for weeks and you suddenly can't get enough. So we get all hot and bothered, make our way down the hall, while touching and kissing. When we get to the bedroom we start removing clothing, and still kissing and touching. So Bossman pushes me down on the bed, and really start getting down to business. This is all really hot and sexy.....
Then Bossman tries to flip me over, and the whole bed falls apart............
Yes, it's true, the bed broke! Right in the middle of really hot, make-up sex! But it was soo funny!
So we stand up, and start touching again, and in my mind I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get him inside me, because the bed was tilted. So I finally grab all the blankets and the comforter and the pillows, toss them on the floor and WA-LA. It was delicous. Have I mentioned how much I love make up sex?
Needless to day, today was a really great day! Ahhh, if only every day could be like today!
later.........
Bossman and I had a huge fight. I hurt his feelings, he hurt my feelings, and it turned into 3 days of hell.
So today, he comes out and tells me he wants to make up with me, and I really wanted to make up with him, so after talking a bit, we start kissing. I really missed him. It's funny how you can go a couple of days without really being affectionate, and then that first touch.....it's just amazing. It's like you've been deprived for weeks and you suddenly can't get enough. So we get all hot and bothered, make our way down the hall, while touching and kissing. When we get to the bedroom we start removing clothing, and still kissing and touching. So Bossman pushes me down on the bed, and really start getting down to business. This is all really hot and sexy.....
Then Bossman tries to flip me over, and the whole bed falls apart............
Yes, it's true, the bed broke! Right in the middle of really hot, make-up sex! But it was soo funny!
So we stand up, and start touching again, and in my mind I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get him inside me, because the bed was tilted. So I finally grab all the blankets and the comforter and the pillows, toss them on the floor and WA-LA. It was delicous. Have I mentioned how much I love make up sex?
Needless to day, today was a really great day! Ahhh, if only every day could be like today!
later.........
New Day, New Year
I'm not really one for New Years Resolutions. I mean really, what's the point? I'm just going to fail at them anyway. So there really isn't a point in setting myself up for failure.
That being said, there are some things I would like to change in my life. So I would like to make a list of them so in a couple of months I can look back on them and see if I've made any progress.
I would like to get more healthy. Ok, I'd like to lose weight, but I say that all the time, and I never do it, so this time I'm just saying I'd like to get more healthy. For starters, I'm going to drink more water.
I would like Bossman and I to get our personal finances back on track.
I would like Bossman and I to get back to discipline. Plain and simple, I miss it and I want it back. I miss knowing that he is coming home from work to spank me. It makes me more aware of the things I'm doing, or not doing, and it makes me think of Bossman in a whole new light. It somehow make me feel more respect for him...like I'm proud he's taking charge. And it also does something to the libido. That's always a good thing. I just feel like we still can't really define the exact way this is suppose to be done. We are up and down more than a yo-yo, and I would like consistancy. I really hope this is something we can accomplish in the next couple of months.
Well, time will tell, and I'm planning on posting my ups and downs on a more frequent basis.
Happy New Year!
later..........
That being said, there are some things I would like to change in my life. So I would like to make a list of them so in a couple of months I can look back on them and see if I've made any progress.
I would like to get more healthy. Ok, I'd like to lose weight, but I say that all the time, and I never do it, so this time I'm just saying I'd like to get more healthy. For starters, I'm going to drink more water.
I would like Bossman and I to get our personal finances back on track.
I would like Bossman and I to get back to discipline. Plain and simple, I miss it and I want it back. I miss knowing that he is coming home from work to spank me. It makes me more aware of the things I'm doing, or not doing, and it makes me think of Bossman in a whole new light. It somehow make me feel more respect for him...like I'm proud he's taking charge. And it also does something to the libido. That's always a good thing. I just feel like we still can't really define the exact way this is suppose to be done. We are up and down more than a yo-yo, and I would like consistancy. I really hope this is something we can accomplish in the next couple of months.
Well, time will tell, and I'm planning on posting my ups and downs on a more frequent basis.
Happy New Year!
later..........
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