I cried today.
I hate crying. It's ugly business. My face contorts in the most unflattering ways. Snot and tears, red splotchy face and even redder swollen eyes. Seriously, ugly business.
Today they cut down two trees in my backyard. Beautiful ash trees. Tall, majestic trees. In the spring and summer the birds love those trees. I could sit in my dining room and watch the birds hope from limb to limb. I could lay on the trampoline and listen to the singing and chirping.
The trees had to come down. Apparently the neighbors didn't appreciate the trees like I did. Something about damage to their patio, or some such nonsense.
I've never cried for trees before. I've never thought much about them. I mean, I really like trees. I'm fascinated by trees. The shapes, the colors, the smells. Trees can be so beautiful and yet, so scary. Scary shadows at night, branches falling and blowing around during a storm. Yes, trees are mysterious and wonderful. Some trees have been around for many many years. Sometimes I wish I could talk to the trees. Imagine what a tree could tell you. Imagine the things they've seen...the changes the world has made and yet, they are still here.
Until you have to cut them down.
So, I cried for my trees. I sat in my dining room and watched them come down.
And I cried.
And then I realized I wasn't just crying for my trees.
Yes, I was upset about the trees, but like I said before I've never cried for trees before.
I realized that I was crying for my friends. My blogging friends, to be more specific. I was crying for this blogging world that had to go through such trauma this past week.
You may or may not have noticed I've steered clear of the controversy. My heart is heavy with thoughts of everything going on. I am torn between friends and feelings. Caught between what I believe, what I think, and what I feel. The feelings have been bumping and colliding with each other all week.
One minute I'm feeling sorry for the people involved, the next minute I'm feeling like a fool for falling for the lies.
This has happened before in the blogging world, and sadly, it will happen again.
I've said to myself and to email friends that it doesn't matter, I'm ok.
But I'm not ok. This....this.....whatever This is....is not ok.
I have lots of questions. Most of them won't get answered for this is the way the blogging world works. We only get what gets written down.
You only know things about me that I share with you here. I only know things about you that you write here. You don't know if I'm telling the truth, anymore than I know that about you.
I trust that what you say is true. I don't care if you use a different name, your name doesn't make your experiences different. When you tell me that something happened to you, or you had this experience I believe you. I feel for you. I'm happy for you, sad for you.
I am, after all, human.
Unfortunately, being human makes me vulnerable. As a blogger and a reader of blogs, I open myself up to being hurt. If I say things that people don't agree with, trust me, they will tell me. Sometimes not nicely. I lay my feelings out for the world to view and every time I hit the send button I wonder, "Will someone try and hurt me?"
Maybe this makes me naive. I should try to not feel for you. I shouldn't be happy for you or sad for you. But, I can't. I'm not wired that way. I'm a person with emotions. When I read a book, I feel emotions right along with the characters. Isn't that what makes reading fun? But when I read a book, I know it's just a story. I know it's made up, make believe. I know that there isn't really a "happily ever after". And that's ok. I know ahead of time that it's not really real so I don't feel as deep, or as hard.
When I read true stories, I feel for the people involved. I try to put myself in their shoes. I wonder how I would deal with whatever-it-is that they are dealing with. I feel happy or sad for them.
To find out these stories aren't true, to find out that things aren't exactly the way they described them...well, that hurts.
For you see, I've given you my emotions. I've given you a piece of me. And for what? For nothing? For a story that wasn't true after all?
Well, these are my feelings, for better or worse. I'm not trying to bash anyone or say anything mean. I'm just telling you MY very real, very emotional feelings. I'm allowed to have these feelings and I'm allowed to say them on my blog. If you don't like it please, feel free to click away. One click of the mouse can have you far away from here.
As for me, I'm still going to take that blogging break. I need to decide if putting myself out here, getting to know people out here, is worth it. Is it worth the hurt and the stress? Is it worth the wondering?
I don't know if it's worth it right now. And that makes me sad. This blog is part of me. It's my heart and soul. I've opened up a part of me that can't be opened in the real world. I've revealed things here that nobody knows except my husband. Of course, I could go private, but what good would that do? I've opened up this part of my heart to you because YOU understand. You've gone or are going through the same things I'm going through. You get it.
But then again, maybe you don't get it. Because maybe you aren't being true to me or to yourself.
So yes, I cried today. I cried for my trees and I cried for my blog.
And, I think some where deep inside, I cried for you.
