Dear Bossman,
There is only one place in this world that can think of that I would like to be on this day.
I only have to see you, to know that this is where I need to be.
I can laugh here, and I can cry here.
I can let go of my deepest fears, and can celebrate my happiest times.
I am accepted and I am appreciated for the person that I am.
I am sure that this is the place I was born to be.
I love you more that words can ever say.
So in your arms I will always be.
I love you, my Valentine......
later.................
Has romance died?
Where is the romance?
That is the question I've been asking myself lately.
It seems that we have been living our lives like a movie that gets rewound and played over and over again.
We do the same things, go to school, go to work, watch tv, do homework, cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed. Over and over and over and over.
Ok, there is sex mixed in, usually in the morning after kids are gone, but even that has turned routine. Same ole thing, different day. That's my life.
Now don't get me wrong, Bossman is great. He is so sweet to me. He worries about me, he cares about me, he takes care of me. But somewhere along the way we lost romance, and now I can't explain exactly what it is I'm looking for.
Because really, how does one explain romance? Is it flowers and candy? Not really, not for me, anyway. So what is it? And more importantly, how do I explain it to Bossman?
I think it has to do with how close I feel to Bossman. I think that is what makes me feel like there is romance. Right now, I feel very disconnected from Bossman right now. I feel like we are just doing the same things over and over and we aren't really connecting.....spiritually? Maybe that's it...our spirits aren't connecting.
Or maybe its just that I haven't had a good spanking lately......
Spanking is a good way to connect. At least for me. So maybe that is what is missing, and I'm unwilling to admit that. I feel weird admitting that I need a spanking to feel connected to my husband. Is that really what it takes for me?
What has happened to me? Why has this become such a part of me that I feel disconnected when it doesn't happen? I should be able to have a perfectly normal life without worrying so much about spankings and all that comes with it. I try so hard, but it always creeps back in. I don't want it to dominate my life...but yet its always there.
Well, Valentines day is around the corner. Although we've decided not to buy gifts for Vday, we have decided that cards would be good. I think I'll write a Vday letter to Bossman.
Maybe I'll even post it here. Maybe.
later.......
That is the question I've been asking myself lately.
It seems that we have been living our lives like a movie that gets rewound and played over and over again.
We do the same things, go to school, go to work, watch tv, do homework, cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed. Over and over and over and over.
Ok, there is sex mixed in, usually in the morning after kids are gone, but even that has turned routine. Same ole thing, different day. That's my life.
Now don't get me wrong, Bossman is great. He is so sweet to me. He worries about me, he cares about me, he takes care of me. But somewhere along the way we lost romance, and now I can't explain exactly what it is I'm looking for.
Because really, how does one explain romance? Is it flowers and candy? Not really, not for me, anyway. So what is it? And more importantly, how do I explain it to Bossman?
I think it has to do with how close I feel to Bossman. I think that is what makes me feel like there is romance. Right now, I feel very disconnected from Bossman right now. I feel like we are just doing the same things over and over and we aren't really connecting.....spiritually? Maybe that's it...our spirits aren't connecting.
Or maybe its just that I haven't had a good spanking lately......
Spanking is a good way to connect. At least for me. So maybe that is what is missing, and I'm unwilling to admit that. I feel weird admitting that I need a spanking to feel connected to my husband. Is that really what it takes for me?
What has happened to me? Why has this become such a part of me that I feel disconnected when it doesn't happen? I should be able to have a perfectly normal life without worrying so much about spankings and all that comes with it. I try so hard, but it always creeps back in. I don't want it to dominate my life...but yet its always there.
Well, Valentines day is around the corner. Although we've decided not to buy gifts for Vday, we have decided that cards would be good. I think I'll write a Vday letter to Bossman.
Maybe I'll even post it here. Maybe.
later.......
New books
Well well well, here I am again.
I feel like I really don't have anything to contribute to this world of blogging. I find that I write a bunch of stuff, and then delete it all because it sounds dull and boring.
Just like my life.
One very exciting thing happened today though, so I thought that writing about something is better than writing about nothing, I thought I would jot it down here, just so there could be entry in my blog.
The exciting news is......drum roll....I got new books today! I joined the Doubleday book club, and I just got my first shipment of 6 new books.
Don't you just love the smell of new books? Don't you just love to run your hands over the crisp new sheets of unread pages? Ok, maybe it's just me.
I can't help it. I love books. I love that they hold the promise of an exciting adventure. I love that I can step outside of my dull boring life and live someones elses life for awhile.
But they look so new and wonderful that I don't even want to open them. And then I have another big problem...which one should I read first?
I think I will just enjoy the newness of them for awhile. Then maybe I'll start reading....
later.....
I feel like I really don't have anything to contribute to this world of blogging. I find that I write a bunch of stuff, and then delete it all because it sounds dull and boring.
Just like my life.
One very exciting thing happened today though, so I thought that writing about something is better than writing about nothing, I thought I would jot it down here, just so there could be entry in my blog.
The exciting news is......drum roll....I got new books today! I joined the Doubleday book club, and I just got my first shipment of 6 new books.
Don't you just love the smell of new books? Don't you just love to run your hands over the crisp new sheets of unread pages? Ok, maybe it's just me.
I can't help it. I love books. I love that they hold the promise of an exciting adventure. I love that I can step outside of my dull boring life and live someones elses life for awhile.
But they look so new and wonderful that I don't even want to open them. And then I have another big problem...which one should I read first?
I think I will just enjoy the newness of them for awhile. Then maybe I'll start reading....
later.....
Happy New Year!
2006?
Doesn't it seem like we should be more Jetson-ish? I remember thinking that the year 2000 was so far off and I was going to be very old when that happened.
Ok, it was the 80's and I was a teen...so give me a break! But still, 2006 just doesn't seem possible.
So what shall my revolution for the new year be? Hmmm, I don't think I'll make one this year. I never stick to them anyway.
Well....Happy New Year!
later..........
Doesn't it seem like we should be more Jetson-ish? I remember thinking that the year 2000 was so far off and I was going to be very old when that happened.
Ok, it was the 80's and I was a teen...so give me a break! But still, 2006 just doesn't seem possible.
So what shall my revolution for the new year be? Hmmm, I don't think I'll make one this year. I never stick to them anyway.
Well....Happy New Year!
later..........
Christmas is finally over!
Ok, christmas was two days ago and my house still looks like the chirstmas tree threw up in the living room.
Presents are scattered everywhere, wrapping paper is crammed in every nook and cranny, and the kids....they are bored, of course!
Actually, Christmas was great this year, everyone seem to get what they wanted and my MIL behaved herself. The second thing is really the only thing I wanted...thanks Santa :)
I got lots of bling, which is exactly what I love...thanks Bossman! He knows me so well. Plus it seems this is the year of getting bubble baths and shower gel. Are they trying to tell me something? (sniffs pitts just to make sure)
Really, I'm just happy it's over. No more shopping, no more pushing my way through crowds of short people with bad colone. Yes, I'm tall and although I don't have problems with short people in general, as most of my family is shorter than me, I really take offense to the short people who think I can't see them below me. These are the people that stop right in the middle of the main aisle and stand there gapping at the beautiful light up pillow that they just can't decide who in the family needs one of these wonderous creations. So while they are standing there trying to decide, there are ten people waiting to get by, because they don't think it's nessesary to pull their cart into a side aisle so that people can actually get by. Or, if the pillow doesn't get them, then it's the long lost friend that they haven't seen in forever, and they all need to stop, right in the middle of the store and chat for 3 hours. (rant over)
Sigh, now on to the spanking news. It's not good. Bossman has really really good intentions, but he doesn't have much follow thru. He talks a great talk, but it's just not happening. Right now, the kids are not in school, so that puts a big damper on the situation anyway, but still, I feel a little let down by the whole thing. I don't like to keep bringing it up, so I'm just not going to say anything for awhile.
I really wish I could make this thing work, but it seem like it just isn't meant to be for us.
I don't know, I just really don't know.
later.....
Presents are scattered everywhere, wrapping paper is crammed in every nook and cranny, and the kids....they are bored, of course!
Actually, Christmas was great this year, everyone seem to get what they wanted and my MIL behaved herself. The second thing is really the only thing I wanted...thanks Santa :)
I got lots of bling, which is exactly what I love...thanks Bossman! He knows me so well. Plus it seems this is the year of getting bubble baths and shower gel. Are they trying to tell me something? (sniffs pitts just to make sure)
Really, I'm just happy it's over. No more shopping, no more pushing my way through crowds of short people with bad colone. Yes, I'm tall and although I don't have problems with short people in general, as most of my family is shorter than me, I really take offense to the short people who think I can't see them below me. These are the people that stop right in the middle of the main aisle and stand there gapping at the beautiful light up pillow that they just can't decide who in the family needs one of these wonderous creations. So while they are standing there trying to decide, there are ten people waiting to get by, because they don't think it's nessesary to pull their cart into a side aisle so that people can actually get by. Or, if the pillow doesn't get them, then it's the long lost friend that they haven't seen in forever, and they all need to stop, right in the middle of the store and chat for 3 hours. (rant over)
Sigh, now on to the spanking news. It's not good. Bossman has really really good intentions, but he doesn't have much follow thru. He talks a great talk, but it's just not happening. Right now, the kids are not in school, so that puts a big damper on the situation anyway, but still, I feel a little let down by the whole thing. I don't like to keep bringing it up, so I'm just not going to say anything for awhile.
I really wish I could make this thing work, but it seem like it just isn't meant to be for us.
I don't know, I just really don't know.
later.....
A month later.....
So you would think that since I'm not working anymore I would have time to blog.
Nope. I've been busy busy busy!
First there was getting this house in order. I painted the bathroom and made it look all pretty. Then I had to dig out the kids bedrooms. That took a bulldozer and a dumptruck, but since I'm typing this you realize I survived!
Thanksgiving was great. Bossmans family came over, there were not big fights and everyone behaved themselves nicely. My mother in law didn't say anything offensive or stupid, so the day was a success. I cooked and my bird was wonderful. I think everything was great. Now we get to figure out what to do about Christmas. I hate thinking about it because my MIL is such a big baby. She has this idea that we should all be at her house so we can open presents under HER tree. But she lives in a tiny upstairs apartment. There isn't a spot of space anywhere, once you sit down, there is no getting back up until it's time to go. So needless to say, I hate going over there. Not only is it crowded, but she starts getting all anal when people get a little noisy. Hello...we have children! They will be noisy, especially on christmas, when they are opening gifts! SHEEZ!!
So what to do? Well, really we have no choice, we will have to go to her house. I know, we should just say no...but how do you say no to someone like that? Then she gets mad, and the holidays are ruined for everyone. So the best thing to do is suck it up and bare it for a couple of hours. (I shall read this last sentence for the next three weeks everyday, just to prepare myself)
Bossman has decided to introduce discipline back into the relationship. I haven't said much about it, because I've said so much already. I feel like if I keep pushing it myself, then it's something that I am forcing him to do. I do not want to force him into it, if I do that then it is not real, and if it's not real, it's not going to work for him or for me.
So the other day he gave a couple of rules...not really rules, but things that bug him that he'd like me to pay more attention to. One is putting away my hair dryer. I KNOW, it's a very small thing, but I am horrible at putting it away. And it bugs the crap out of him. So, that is now something punishable.
I think this is great. It's a small step, but it's perfect for our relationship. It's not something that will be too hard to implement in our relationship. I hope, I really hope that this time we can do this more consistently. When we were trying this before, we were really happy. We got along really well. I don't know how to explain it, but I think things just clicked for us.
It seems like lately we've been going through these times when we just don't get along. We don't communicate well and we just get upset with each other. It's nothing major, but it just sets everyone off in a bad mood. We get over it the next day but I wish we could just not have so many of those moments. Especially now during the holidays!
So, I hope things well get better here, I hope this works out. I think it will, the rules are easy to follow, but he has promised maintance spankings so I don't feel the need to break a rule just because I feel like getting a spanking.
Heres to hoping!
later.......
Nope. I've been busy busy busy!
First there was getting this house in order. I painted the bathroom and made it look all pretty. Then I had to dig out the kids bedrooms. That took a bulldozer and a dumptruck, but since I'm typing this you realize I survived!
Thanksgiving was great. Bossmans family came over, there were not big fights and everyone behaved themselves nicely. My mother in law didn't say anything offensive or stupid, so the day was a success. I cooked and my bird was wonderful. I think everything was great. Now we get to figure out what to do about Christmas. I hate thinking about it because my MIL is such a big baby. She has this idea that we should all be at her house so we can open presents under HER tree. But she lives in a tiny upstairs apartment. There isn't a spot of space anywhere, once you sit down, there is no getting back up until it's time to go. So needless to say, I hate going over there. Not only is it crowded, but she starts getting all anal when people get a little noisy. Hello...we have children! They will be noisy, especially on christmas, when they are opening gifts! SHEEZ!!
So what to do? Well, really we have no choice, we will have to go to her house. I know, we should just say no...but how do you say no to someone like that? Then she gets mad, and the holidays are ruined for everyone. So the best thing to do is suck it up and bare it for a couple of hours. (I shall read this last sentence for the next three weeks everyday, just to prepare myself)
Bossman has decided to introduce discipline back into the relationship. I haven't said much about it, because I've said so much already. I feel like if I keep pushing it myself, then it's something that I am forcing him to do. I do not want to force him into it, if I do that then it is not real, and if it's not real, it's not going to work for him or for me.
So the other day he gave a couple of rules...not really rules, but things that bug him that he'd like me to pay more attention to. One is putting away my hair dryer. I KNOW, it's a very small thing, but I am horrible at putting it away. And it bugs the crap out of him. So, that is now something punishable.
I think this is great. It's a small step, but it's perfect for our relationship. It's not something that will be too hard to implement in our relationship. I hope, I really hope that this time we can do this more consistently. When we were trying this before, we were really happy. We got along really well. I don't know how to explain it, but I think things just clicked for us.
It seems like lately we've been going through these times when we just don't get along. We don't communicate well and we just get upset with each other. It's nothing major, but it just sets everyone off in a bad mood. We get over it the next day but I wish we could just not have so many of those moments. Especially now during the holidays!
So, I hope things well get better here, I hope this works out. I think it will, the rules are easy to follow, but he has promised maintance spankings so I don't feel the need to break a rule just because I feel like getting a spanking.
Heres to hoping!
later.......
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Hmmm, I just read Ambers blog...and I'd link it, but I don't know how! (I know, I'm so lame when it comes to computers!)
Anyway, back to Ambers blog. Isn't it funny how we perceive ourselves? Isn't it funny how aging is such a horrible thing...and yet we all do it? I'm approaching 40. I know, that is not old. But I've been married for almost 17 years, and I was a very very different person when I got married. I have a teenager. Is there anybody on earth that throws your age in your face better than a teen? All I have to do is look at her, and I feel like I'm 80.
But then there is Bossman. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday. He tells me he can't keep his hands off of me. He WANTS me. Everyday.
I can't tell you how this makes me feel. Part of me is flattered and even a little shocked that someone feels that way about me. Even though I've been with Bossman a long time, I still can't believe that he wants to be with me. I ask myself...why me? Why does he want me? What do I have to offer this man who offers me the world? I feel like I can't offer him anything. I feel like even if I had something to offer...it wouldn't even be good enough for him. It's like buying that special someone a present, and then the present he gives you is 10 times better.
And why can't I accept a present that is way better than the one I give, without feeling guilty and unworthy? Is this low self esteem? Because I just don't think I have low self esteem in the rest of my life. I am very self assured in my work. (that I am about to shove...see last blog!) And I am very self assured at church, and with my friends. Certainly I am worth any gift I receive.
So why is it so hard to accept that Bossman thinks I'm beautiful. Why is it so hard for me to accept that Bossman loves me so much he would do anything for me? Why can't I just see what he sees in me?
And then there is aging. We are all aging. We are aging right now. And all the people on TV that look so wonderful...well, I might look that good if I sat in hair and makeup for 3 hours.
So we should accept the fact we are aging, we should embrace our age. We shouldn't be upset with the lines and the grays. But TV makes us feel old. It makes us feel un-pretty. I'm blaming the media, because that's better than blaming myself.
Now, if I could just see myself through Bossmans eyes. That would be nice.
later.......
Anyway, back to Ambers blog. Isn't it funny how we perceive ourselves? Isn't it funny how aging is such a horrible thing...and yet we all do it? I'm approaching 40. I know, that is not old. But I've been married for almost 17 years, and I was a very very different person when I got married. I have a teenager. Is there anybody on earth that throws your age in your face better than a teen? All I have to do is look at her, and I feel like I'm 80.
But then there is Bossman. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday. He tells me he can't keep his hands off of me. He WANTS me. Everyday.
I can't tell you how this makes me feel. Part of me is flattered and even a little shocked that someone feels that way about me. Even though I've been with Bossman a long time, I still can't believe that he wants to be with me. I ask myself...why me? Why does he want me? What do I have to offer this man who offers me the world? I feel like I can't offer him anything. I feel like even if I had something to offer...it wouldn't even be good enough for him. It's like buying that special someone a present, and then the present he gives you is 10 times better.
And why can't I accept a present that is way better than the one I give, without feeling guilty and unworthy? Is this low self esteem? Because I just don't think I have low self esteem in the rest of my life. I am very self assured in my work. (that I am about to shove...see last blog!) And I am very self assured at church, and with my friends. Certainly I am worth any gift I receive.
So why is it so hard to accept that Bossman thinks I'm beautiful. Why is it so hard for me to accept that Bossman loves me so much he would do anything for me? Why can't I just see what he sees in me?
And then there is aging. We are all aging. We are aging right now. And all the people on TV that look so wonderful...well, I might look that good if I sat in hair and makeup for 3 hours.
So we should accept the fact we are aging, we should embrace our age. We shouldn't be upset with the lines and the grays. But TV makes us feel old. It makes us feel un-pretty. I'm blaming the media, because that's better than blaming myself.
Now, if I could just see myself through Bossmans eyes. That would be nice.
later.......
Take this job and shove it!
Hooray for me, I'm quitting my job!!! I don't have to wait on the stupidest people in the world anymore!
The holiday shoppers can kiss my ass, for I won't be there for them to yell at!!!
Can you tell I'm not really happy about this whole quitting thing? Ok I AM so happy!! November 9th is my last day. I'll be throwing the party on the 10th when I'm sitting in my pjs eating bon-bons in front of the tube!
Ok look here's the deal, most customers are very nice. They are polite. They say please and thank you. They don't interrupt you. And best of all, they wait patiently for their turn in line.
That's most people. That's probably you.
Then you get the one's that think the world revolves around them. They think that because I have on the blue vest that I know about every single item in our 10mile long store. They think I know which stereo is the best, which TV has the best menu options, and which cordless phone will let them talk from 4 miles away. They also think that I know where to find size 3 girls underpants and where they might find playing cards and canning jars.
They think all that, even when I'm clearing standing in a cell phone booth.
They think that, even when I clearly have a badge on my vest that says CELL PHONE TECH!!!
And what about the bratty kids? The ones that scream and yell throughout the whole store and the parents do NOTHING!! For god sakes, is there really something in this store that is sooooo incredibly important that you have to stay there with a screaming child? WHAT is THAT important? Is it the tube of toothpaste, or the new bed sheets in aisle 3? SHEEZ!!!! Take your kid outside so I don't have to hear the screaming...PLEASE!!!!
Anyway I'm leaving. I can't take it anymore. I just can't. So now I'll be home, taking care of the wildchild and the little man, but most of all taking care of Bossman. Bossman has been the rock of this family for a long time. Since I work mostly nights, he is the one that takes care of dinner, homework, showers and everything else that needs to be done on a nightly basis with to kids. He is also the one that take the little man to cubscouts, and drives the wildchild to all her assorted things that teens need to be driven to. Not only that, but the man does laundry.
So now it's my turn to step up to the plate. I need to take care of the house and the kids so my man can take care of me.
And btw, he does a fine job of taking care of me!
Love you babe!
later.....
The holiday shoppers can kiss my ass, for I won't be there for them to yell at!!!
Can you tell I'm not really happy about this whole quitting thing? Ok I AM so happy!! November 9th is my last day. I'll be throwing the party on the 10th when I'm sitting in my pjs eating bon-bons in front of the tube!
Ok look here's the deal, most customers are very nice. They are polite. They say please and thank you. They don't interrupt you. And best of all, they wait patiently for their turn in line.
That's most people. That's probably you.
Then you get the one's that think the world revolves around them. They think that because I have on the blue vest that I know about every single item in our 10mile long store. They think I know which stereo is the best, which TV has the best menu options, and which cordless phone will let them talk from 4 miles away. They also think that I know where to find size 3 girls underpants and where they might find playing cards and canning jars.
They think all that, even when I'm clearing standing in a cell phone booth.
They think that, even when I clearly have a badge on my vest that says CELL PHONE TECH!!!
And what about the bratty kids? The ones that scream and yell throughout the whole store and the parents do NOTHING!! For god sakes, is there really something in this store that is sooooo incredibly important that you have to stay there with a screaming child? WHAT is THAT important? Is it the tube of toothpaste, or the new bed sheets in aisle 3? SHEEZ!!!! Take your kid outside so I don't have to hear the screaming...PLEASE!!!!
Anyway I'm leaving. I can't take it anymore. I just can't. So now I'll be home, taking care of the wildchild and the little man, but most of all taking care of Bossman. Bossman has been the rock of this family for a long time. Since I work mostly nights, he is the one that takes care of dinner, homework, showers and everything else that needs to be done on a nightly basis with to kids. He is also the one that take the little man to cubscouts, and drives the wildchild to all her assorted things that teens need to be driven to. Not only that, but the man does laundry.
So now it's my turn to step up to the plate. I need to take care of the house and the kids so my man can take care of me.
And btw, he does a fine job of taking care of me!
Love you babe!
later.....
Cookie day!
Ever have one of those days when you just want to eat cookies?
The other night, nobody felt like cooking, by no one, I mean me. Anyway, Bossman and I are laying on the bed talking. The kids are watching TV in the livingroom. Bossman says, lets have cookies for dinner. Homemade chocolate chip cookies.
Cookies for dinner? That sounds fun, but I'm a mom and moms know that cookies for dinner is just not a good idea. I mean really....what mother in their right mind lets their family eat cookies for dinner?
So, we called the kids into our room, and said, we're going to make chocolate chip cookies for dinner tonight. My son, who's 7, said, nah uh....your lying.
Nope, I was serious, and after the children got over the shock of it all, they did the happy dance!
We trooped into the kitchen and made the cookies...we gorged ourselves with cookie dough...I KNOW...we could have gotten sick from the eggs, shame on me, what a horrible mother I am. (how come I never got sick from cookie dough when I was a kid?)
Anyway, we had a blast, and my kids will always remember the night we had cookies for dinner! Of course, nobody wants cookies for a VERY long time.
On to spanking news,
We've been trying really hard to get back into the whole d/d thing. It's been hard, but Bossman has been spanking me before he goes to work, after the kids are in school. This time works best for us, but I'm having a hard time getting back into it.
For goodness sakes, this is what I want, so why am I so defiant when it comes to a spanking. Once the spanking is over, everything is GREAT, so why am I having a hard time with this?
Someone once said that maybe spanking is just the middle man for the good stuff. Does this mean that I need spanking to get to the good stuff? I know that I don't, Bossman will give me the good stuff whenever I want, but how come it's easier for me to get there after a good spanking? Even when we really not practicing the d/d on a consistent basis....I still fanasize about it. So what does that say about me?
I don't know, but I know we are happier when we have spanking in our lives.
later........
The other night, nobody felt like cooking, by no one, I mean me. Anyway, Bossman and I are laying on the bed talking. The kids are watching TV in the livingroom. Bossman says, lets have cookies for dinner. Homemade chocolate chip cookies.
Cookies for dinner? That sounds fun, but I'm a mom and moms know that cookies for dinner is just not a good idea. I mean really....what mother in their right mind lets their family eat cookies for dinner?
So, we called the kids into our room, and said, we're going to make chocolate chip cookies for dinner tonight. My son, who's 7, said, nah uh....your lying.
Nope, I was serious, and after the children got over the shock of it all, they did the happy dance!
We trooped into the kitchen and made the cookies...we gorged ourselves with cookie dough...I KNOW...we could have gotten sick from the eggs, shame on me, what a horrible mother I am. (how come I never got sick from cookie dough when I was a kid?)
Anyway, we had a blast, and my kids will always remember the night we had cookies for dinner! Of course, nobody wants cookies for a VERY long time.
On to spanking news,
We've been trying really hard to get back into the whole d/d thing. It's been hard, but Bossman has been spanking me before he goes to work, after the kids are in school. This time works best for us, but I'm having a hard time getting back into it.
For goodness sakes, this is what I want, so why am I so defiant when it comes to a spanking. Once the spanking is over, everything is GREAT, so why am I having a hard time with this?
Someone once said that maybe spanking is just the middle man for the good stuff. Does this mean that I need spanking to get to the good stuff? I know that I don't, Bossman will give me the good stuff whenever I want, but how come it's easier for me to get there after a good spanking? Even when we really not practicing the d/d on a consistent basis....I still fanasize about it. So what does that say about me?
I don't know, but I know we are happier when we have spanking in our lives.
later........
do children dictate the strictness factor in your house?
I'm wondering if it makes a difference having children in the home as to how strict you are.
My Bossman and I have put the whole d/d thing on the back burner. I've noticed that alot of d/d couples go through ups and downs in the d/d relationship. We find it really hard to be consistent in our house, mostly due to children. I really can't have my Bossman spanking me when the children are home...even when they are asleep as their rooms are right next to ours and our home is very small. We have discussed how different life will be when the children leave the nest, and Bossman has hinted that he would probably be a lot more strict, if he could.
So, are we the only couple that finds it hard to be strict because of children, or are we just not creative enough. Also, is it strictness or consistently that is the problem?
I posted the above comment in a d/d club I'm a member of.
After posting this comment, I went back and read some of the responses. One of the ladies in the club said that she noticed that most couples in a d/d relationship either have no children or have adult children that don't live at home anymore. I have noticed this very fact myself.
Since I have children, I think that strictness and consistency are lacking in our d/d relationship.
For us it is a lot like training a puppy. They say when training a puppy that you should only discipline the puppy at the time of occurrence. I sort of feel the same when it comes to me. I don't want to have a list of things that I'm to be disciplined for later in the week when we have a few minutes. The purpose will have been lost on me. It's too late, by then the momentum is gone, the incident has been forgotten. Why bring it up again? Unless it is still something that is causing undue tension in the house, why even go there again?
Could this be the root of our d/d problems? Probably, but that doesn't mean we've given up on it.
As a matter of fact, I got a spanking this morning.....
But I'll save that for next entry!
later.........
My Bossman and I have put the whole d/d thing on the back burner. I've noticed that alot of d/d couples go through ups and downs in the d/d relationship. We find it really hard to be consistent in our house, mostly due to children. I really can't have my Bossman spanking me when the children are home...even when they are asleep as their rooms are right next to ours and our home is very small. We have discussed how different life will be when the children leave the nest, and Bossman has hinted that he would probably be a lot more strict, if he could.
So, are we the only couple that finds it hard to be strict because of children, or are we just not creative enough. Also, is it strictness or consistently that is the problem?
I posted the above comment in a d/d club I'm a member of.
After posting this comment, I went back and read some of the responses. One of the ladies in the club said that she noticed that most couples in a d/d relationship either have no children or have adult children that don't live at home anymore. I have noticed this very fact myself.
Since I have children, I think that strictness and consistency are lacking in our d/d relationship.
For us it is a lot like training a puppy. They say when training a puppy that you should only discipline the puppy at the time of occurrence. I sort of feel the same when it comes to me. I don't want to have a list of things that I'm to be disciplined for later in the week when we have a few minutes. The purpose will have been lost on me. It's too late, by then the momentum is gone, the incident has been forgotten. Why bring it up again? Unless it is still something that is causing undue tension in the house, why even go there again?
Could this be the root of our d/d problems? Probably, but that doesn't mean we've given up on it.
As a matter of fact, I got a spanking this morning.....
But I'll save that for next entry!
later.........
duldrums of life
Does it ever seem like life just happens?
Everyday life comes and goes...what is the meaning of this?
Why does it seem like every day is the same old thing, and what is the purpose of these same old things that we do everyday?
I go to work, I come home, I fix dinner, and go to bed, and then....I do it again, and again, and again. Why? Why must we run around like chicken with our heads cut off and accomplish nothing?
Ok, the arguement could be made that we are raising our children to be successful happy adult.
Soooooo....what....so they can run around like chickens with their heads cut off and accomplish nothing? Is that really our sole purpose, to populate the world?
I guess I'm just wondering why I bother..... if I figure it out, I'll let you know!
later....
Everyday life comes and goes...what is the meaning of this?
Why does it seem like every day is the same old thing, and what is the purpose of these same old things that we do everyday?
I go to work, I come home, I fix dinner, and go to bed, and then....I do it again, and again, and again. Why? Why must we run around like chicken with our heads cut off and accomplish nothing?
Ok, the arguement could be made that we are raising our children to be successful happy adult.
Soooooo....what....so they can run around like chickens with their heads cut off and accomplish nothing? Is that really our sole purpose, to populate the world?
I guess I'm just wondering why I bother..... if I figure it out, I'll let you know!
later....
Survivor
Ok, I made it through yesterday, I had my pity party with myself and now I feel better! I think it's amazing what a persons death can do to you. I never had to deal with someone really close to me dying. Although it's been a hard journey, I am fascinated with all the emotions that I've had to deal with.
There is something really great that came of my Grandmas death. I got to meet cousins and uncle and aunt that I had never met. We have been keeping in contact with each other, and it's amazing how cool it feels to be related to someone, flesh and blood. All growing up I just had my parents and my brother and sister, we didn't live close to our other relatives. So other than the grandparents, I didn't know my other relatives. Now I feel like I'm part of an exclusive club that nobody else can join...unless of course they are born into it!
So I survived yesterday...and tomorrow Survivor starts! Oh how I LOVE that show!!! I simply can't wait! And they are teasing us by telling us that 2 old survivors will be on the show! I hope it's Rupert...I love that man! Another great survivor would be Johnny Fairplay!! That would be GREAT!!
Now lets talk spankings...or lack thereof!
I'm not getting any. Nope nothin', nada, zip, zero, zilch!
School is back in session, we've had lots of time, and the worst is Bossman keeps telling me he wants to start up with the discipline again. But has he? Do I have to remind him everyday? Geez I think I'm bratty enough, so that can't be the problem.
What's a gal gotta do to get a spankin around here? When I figure it out....I'll let you know!
later.....
There is something really great that came of my Grandmas death. I got to meet cousins and uncle and aunt that I had never met. We have been keeping in contact with each other, and it's amazing how cool it feels to be related to someone, flesh and blood. All growing up I just had my parents and my brother and sister, we didn't live close to our other relatives. So other than the grandparents, I didn't know my other relatives. Now I feel like I'm part of an exclusive club that nobody else can join...unless of course they are born into it!
So I survived yesterday...and tomorrow Survivor starts! Oh how I LOVE that show!!! I simply can't wait! And they are teasing us by telling us that 2 old survivors will be on the show! I hope it's Rupert...I love that man! Another great survivor would be Johnny Fairplay!! That would be GREAT!!
Now lets talk spankings...or lack thereof!
I'm not getting any. Nope nothin', nada, zip, zero, zilch!
School is back in session, we've had lots of time, and the worst is Bossman keeps telling me he wants to start up with the discipline again. But has he? Do I have to remind him everyday? Geez I think I'm bratty enough, so that can't be the problem.
What's a gal gotta do to get a spankin around here? When I figure it out....I'll let you know!
later.....
In Memory
Today is the first anniversary of my Grandmothers death.
I'm really sad today. But I don't want to tell Bossman. I know he won't know what today is. I'm not mad that he won't remember, he's a man, so I expect that from him. But still I'm sad. I would like to wallow in my sadness. But I can't. I have to clean the house, pick up children from school. Cook dinner. You know...normal everyday life things.
But my Grandma died last year...on this date. I loved her. I will always love her.
How did I manage a whole year without her? How did I manage not calling her, telling her about my family..my life?
How did I manage?
I guess it just goes to show, life goes on. As much as I miss her, I still had to live. I still had children to take care of. I still had dinners to cook, I still had to clean the house and go to work. And I still think.....is this really important? Doesn't it all seem meaningless?
What is the purpose of our lives? Because once your gone...nothing matters anymore. So why are we here?
Oh I know. So we can cook dinner, raise our children, and die.
I guess I'm in a cynical mood. Can you tell?
Ok, I'll go now. I'm go live my life. I guess I should start with the house.........
later......
I'm really sad today. But I don't want to tell Bossman. I know he won't know what today is. I'm not mad that he won't remember, he's a man, so I expect that from him. But still I'm sad. I would like to wallow in my sadness. But I can't. I have to clean the house, pick up children from school. Cook dinner. You know...normal everyday life things.
But my Grandma died last year...on this date. I loved her. I will always love her.
How did I manage a whole year without her? How did I manage not calling her, telling her about my family..my life?
How did I manage?
I guess it just goes to show, life goes on. As much as I miss her, I still had to live. I still had children to take care of. I still had dinners to cook, I still had to clean the house and go to work. And I still think.....is this really important? Doesn't it all seem meaningless?
What is the purpose of our lives? Because once your gone...nothing matters anymore. So why are we here?
Oh I know. So we can cook dinner, raise our children, and die.
I guess I'm in a cynical mood. Can you tell?
Ok, I'll go now. I'm go live my life. I guess I should start with the house.........
later......
in threes
They say that bad things happen in threes. If this is true, then Bossman has one more bad thing left to look forward to. Very ominous huh?
Bossman went to the funeral for the lady that died on Friday. Even though funerals aren't fun, he really wanted to see the children in another setting other than an accident scene. He says it was the saddest funeral he's ever been too. I can imagine. I didn't go with him. I just couldn't. Does this make me a bad person. Bossman says he would have been there for me. I feel bad that I didn't go with him to support him. But I just couldn't, I couldn't face those children, that husband, her friends. Does that make me a coward? Maybe, but I just couldn't.
After the funeral Bossman came home not feeling very well. We spent the rest of the day just hanging out at home. Towards evening, Bossman started to get a toothache. Why do medical and dental things always happen on a weekend? Saturday, Bossman can't function. His tooth was killing him. Lucky for him the dentist is our friend, so we called him, because let me tell you, when tylenol with codeine doesn't work, what option is left? (oh we even tried whiskey, but don't worry, he was just swishing, he wasn't mixing drinks with codeine!)
Our dentist met us at his office, just as my husband was about to lose it from the pain. He does something to the tooth to make it better, gives us a prescription for demeral and sends us on our way. Poor Bossman! He was a mess. Poor guy. Sunday we wake up to half his face swollen. I felt so bad for him. He just went through a really bad week, and suddenly now he has to deal with his teeth? Ugh! Anyway, the dentist assures us that the swelling will go down with antibiotics. And Thursday? Root canal day! Oh goodness, it just doesn't end for him.
The swelling has gone down so that is good, and he's trying to function normally today, but geez how much can one person take? He's my hero!
Ok, don't get whiplash as I change the subject....
School has started!! You can't see this, but I'm doing a happy dance!
Summer was great, but the kids back in school is even better. I know have free rein of the computer to blog without people looking over my shoulder. I know can be on the computer without the insistent whine of someone....when's it my turn on the computer? I can know read dirty rauchy blogs without worry that little eyes will see something inappropriate!!! Hooray for me!!! This also means we will be getting back to spanking! (this for me, is good, but not so good for my butt) I have to admit, this has been a missing piece to our life. It's not that we can't function without it, but god, life is so much better with it!
So in the face of tragedy, I am counting my blessings. Aside from the tooth issue, everyone is healthy. My dearly beloved is still alive. And the kids are back in school!
So things are getting good. Lets hope that third bad thing already happened and I didn't even notice!
later........
Bossman went to the funeral for the lady that died on Friday. Even though funerals aren't fun, he really wanted to see the children in another setting other than an accident scene. He says it was the saddest funeral he's ever been too. I can imagine. I didn't go with him. I just couldn't. Does this make me a bad person. Bossman says he would have been there for me. I feel bad that I didn't go with him to support him. But I just couldn't, I couldn't face those children, that husband, her friends. Does that make me a coward? Maybe, but I just couldn't.
After the funeral Bossman came home not feeling very well. We spent the rest of the day just hanging out at home. Towards evening, Bossman started to get a toothache. Why do medical and dental things always happen on a weekend? Saturday, Bossman can't function. His tooth was killing him. Lucky for him the dentist is our friend, so we called him, because let me tell you, when tylenol with codeine doesn't work, what option is left? (oh we even tried whiskey, but don't worry, he was just swishing, he wasn't mixing drinks with codeine!)
Our dentist met us at his office, just as my husband was about to lose it from the pain. He does something to the tooth to make it better, gives us a prescription for demeral and sends us on our way. Poor Bossman! He was a mess. Poor guy. Sunday we wake up to half his face swollen. I felt so bad for him. He just went through a really bad week, and suddenly now he has to deal with his teeth? Ugh! Anyway, the dentist assures us that the swelling will go down with antibiotics. And Thursday? Root canal day! Oh goodness, it just doesn't end for him.
The swelling has gone down so that is good, and he's trying to function normally today, but geez how much can one person take? He's my hero!
Ok, don't get whiplash as I change the subject....
School has started!! You can't see this, but I'm doing a happy dance!
Summer was great, but the kids back in school is even better. I know have free rein of the computer to blog without people looking over my shoulder. I know can be on the computer without the insistent whine of someone....when's it my turn on the computer? I can know read dirty rauchy blogs without worry that little eyes will see something inappropriate!!! Hooray for me!!! This also means we will be getting back to spanking! (this for me, is good, but not so good for my butt) I have to admit, this has been a missing piece to our life. It's not that we can't function without it, but god, life is so much better with it!
So in the face of tragedy, I am counting my blessings. Aside from the tooth issue, everyone is healthy. My dearly beloved is still alive. And the kids are back in school!
So things are getting good. Lets hope that third bad thing already happened and I didn't even notice!
later........
one moment in time...
One minute your driving down the road, just minding your own business, and suddenly your life changes forever.
My husband was driving home for lunch on Monday, when suddenly on the other side of the road, a guy runs a red light, a lady slams into him, turns her car the opposite direction, and a SUV slams into her driver side door.
There were 4 children in her car. There were 2 children in the SUV.
My husband was there. He saw the whole thing take place. He was the first to get out of his car to see if anyone needed help. He pulled children out of the car. He watched in horror as they took over an hour to get the childrens mom out of the car. He tried to comfort the children as much as he could. The people in the SUV were fine. The guy that ran the red, injured, but fine. The police take statements, and then with nothing left to do, my husband comes home not knowing if the mother is ok.
Home....everyone at home is doing normal things. My son is playing on the computer. I am watch some mundane thing on tv. Something that isn't even important. My husband walks in with haunted eyes. Eyes that tell you something is not right. Eyes that have seen things that nobody should have to see. It was all in the eyes.
He tries to convey what happened. But I was at home, doing normal everyday things. Besides you hear about car accidents everyday, and as long as it isn't anyone you know...life just goes on...right?
That night, on the news, the story is right there. Top story. The lady, with the four children in the car with her...died. The lady who was just driving along, probably having a very normal, everyday life..died. And with her was an unborn child.
The children my husband helped pull out of the car, they were all fine....as fine as they could be knowing that they were there when their mom died. The youngest child is about a year old. She was safely in a infant seat. The second was about three, she too was safely in a child seat. The older boys, 8, and 10, safely wearing seat belts. Their mother...a hero.
I can't begin to tell you how this as affected our lives. My husband could have been the one hit. My husband could have been the one who died. But he was going the other way. My husband watched as a life was instantly lost. Two precious lives. The mother and the unborn child. Gone. Just like that.
Life is so precious. Life can be taken from you in an instant. Have you told the people in your life how much you love them? Have you told them how much they mean to you? Do it now. Stop reading this and call your loved ones, tell them you love them. Tell them they are important to you. Otherwise, how will they know?
Life for my husband will never be the same. Neither will mine. I almost lost the most precious person in my life. And yet....I was the lucky one. A husband is now having to deal with the loss of a wife and a baby. And still he has to raise his other children. I still have my husband. I still have my precious children. Why do I get to be the lucky one? Why did that woman have to die when she had so much to live for?
I wish I knew the answer to that.....
later.....
My husband was driving home for lunch on Monday, when suddenly on the other side of the road, a guy runs a red light, a lady slams into him, turns her car the opposite direction, and a SUV slams into her driver side door.
There were 4 children in her car. There were 2 children in the SUV.
My husband was there. He saw the whole thing take place. He was the first to get out of his car to see if anyone needed help. He pulled children out of the car. He watched in horror as they took over an hour to get the childrens mom out of the car. He tried to comfort the children as much as he could. The people in the SUV were fine. The guy that ran the red, injured, but fine. The police take statements, and then with nothing left to do, my husband comes home not knowing if the mother is ok.
Home....everyone at home is doing normal things. My son is playing on the computer. I am watch some mundane thing on tv. Something that isn't even important. My husband walks in with haunted eyes. Eyes that tell you something is not right. Eyes that have seen things that nobody should have to see. It was all in the eyes.
He tries to convey what happened. But I was at home, doing normal everyday things. Besides you hear about car accidents everyday, and as long as it isn't anyone you know...life just goes on...right?
That night, on the news, the story is right there. Top story. The lady, with the four children in the car with her...died. The lady who was just driving along, probably having a very normal, everyday life..died. And with her was an unborn child.
The children my husband helped pull out of the car, they were all fine....as fine as they could be knowing that they were there when their mom died. The youngest child is about a year old. She was safely in a infant seat. The second was about three, she too was safely in a child seat. The older boys, 8, and 10, safely wearing seat belts. Their mother...a hero.
I can't begin to tell you how this as affected our lives. My husband could have been the one hit. My husband could have been the one who died. But he was going the other way. My husband watched as a life was instantly lost. Two precious lives. The mother and the unborn child. Gone. Just like that.
Life is so precious. Life can be taken from you in an instant. Have you told the people in your life how much you love them? Have you told them how much they mean to you? Do it now. Stop reading this and call your loved ones, tell them you love them. Tell them they are important to you. Otherwise, how will they know?
Life for my husband will never be the same. Neither will mine. I almost lost the most precious person in my life. And yet....I was the lucky one. A husband is now having to deal with the loss of a wife and a baby. And still he has to raise his other children. I still have my husband. I still have my precious children. Why do I get to be the lucky one? Why did that woman have to die when she had so much to live for?
I wish I knew the answer to that.....
later.....
I've been thinking.....
which is usually not a good thing...LOL
Anyway, I was thinking about how different people are. What I mean by that is that here I am, not feeling to terrible sexual lately and Bossman is always sexual. This is the story of our relationship. This has been a problem for us our entire relationship. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm a very sexual being. I enjoy sex. Just not that often. I'm more of a once a week kinda gal, Bossman would love once or twice a day, if he could. But then there are times when I am so horny I can't stand it, and I want sex all the time. But those times are usually in spurts and don't happen that often.
So the other day, I was reading Carrielilly's blog, and she has the opposite problem as I do. So how does that happen? I mean, Bossman would NEVER be too tired for sex. He would stay up all night if I would, and still get up for work on time. (albeit, very tired..LOL)
Of coure in Carries situation, she realized it was because he thought there would have to be a huge sex scene....so it really a case of misunderstanding. In my case though things are different. I've often suggested to Bossman that we don't have to have a big sex scene, I don't mind having a quickie, once in awhile, especially because I know he needs sex more than I. But he doesn't really like the quickie, because he part of his enjoyment is pleasing me! (what a sweet man I have!!)
So anyway, that was what I was thinking about...I know, it wasn't earth shattering...but isn't it funny how different we all truly are?
But yet....we are all the same...
later.......
Anyway, I was thinking about how different people are. What I mean by that is that here I am, not feeling to terrible sexual lately and Bossman is always sexual. This is the story of our relationship. This has been a problem for us our entire relationship. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm a very sexual being. I enjoy sex. Just not that often. I'm more of a once a week kinda gal, Bossman would love once or twice a day, if he could. But then there are times when I am so horny I can't stand it, and I want sex all the time. But those times are usually in spurts and don't happen that often.
So the other day, I was reading Carrielilly's blog, and she has the opposite problem as I do. So how does that happen? I mean, Bossman would NEVER be too tired for sex. He would stay up all night if I would, and still get up for work on time. (albeit, very tired..LOL)
Of coure in Carries situation, she realized it was because he thought there would have to be a huge sex scene....so it really a case of misunderstanding. In my case though things are different. I've often suggested to Bossman that we don't have to have a big sex scene, I don't mind having a quickie, once in awhile, especially because I know he needs sex more than I. But he doesn't really like the quickie, because he part of his enjoyment is pleasing me! (what a sweet man I have!!)
So anyway, that was what I was thinking about...I know, it wasn't earth shattering...but isn't it funny how different we all truly are?
But yet....we are all the same...
later.......
All good things must come to an end....
Things have been a tad rough around my house lately. For some strange reason I've lost my sex drive...so this is a big problem with Bossman.
Now Bossman thinks it's due to the fact that I haven't been properly disciplined for a while. We just don't have any free time when there are no kids around. I'm sure that once school starts again we will be on track again. But still, school is still a good month away...sigh
So now I'm pondering the question, is the discipline directly tied to my sex drive? Must I now have discipline in order to feel sexual? And if this is the case, how is that going to affect the rest of my life? I don't really want the discipline to be tied to my sex drive. I've always thought that the 2 things were seperate. I mean, I had a sex drive before the discipline was in my life. Although, if I really think about it....I fantasized alot about it my whole life.
Ugh...this is really bugging me. I think I'm just going through a really stressful time in my life, I'm tired when I get home and sex just isn't really on my list. Of course this is all corresponding to the same time my discipline stopped, so I just can't decide what the true problem is.
I have to get my sex drive back soon or Bossman is going to explode. Why is it that guys never seem to have this problem? Why is it that the women always seem to be the once losing thier sex drive? It's just not fair!
Well, I have decided that no matter how stressful life has become, Bossman always comes first. I haven't shown that to him for awhile, and if he reads this before I do anything about it, he's going to laugh at this paragraph. But I am going to make it happen starting today. It doesn't matter if I feel like doing it, it just matters that I do it. And I'm not even talking about sex anymore, I just talking about him. He's been so wonderful to me though this time when I've been nothing but depressed, cranky, crabby, and basically not much fun to be around. So I must give some back.
So my goal for today is to do something nice for Bossman. Even though I'm going to be working 9 hours today, I'm sure I can think of something nice to do for him. And just thinking about that makes me feel closer to him already. And if I can accomplish that....then sex is just around the corner...
later.....
Now Bossman thinks it's due to the fact that I haven't been properly disciplined for a while. We just don't have any free time when there are no kids around. I'm sure that once school starts again we will be on track again. But still, school is still a good month away...sigh
So now I'm pondering the question, is the discipline directly tied to my sex drive? Must I now have discipline in order to feel sexual? And if this is the case, how is that going to affect the rest of my life? I don't really want the discipline to be tied to my sex drive. I've always thought that the 2 things were seperate. I mean, I had a sex drive before the discipline was in my life. Although, if I really think about it....I fantasized alot about it my whole life.
Ugh...this is really bugging me. I think I'm just going through a really stressful time in my life, I'm tired when I get home and sex just isn't really on my list. Of course this is all corresponding to the same time my discipline stopped, so I just can't decide what the true problem is.
I have to get my sex drive back soon or Bossman is going to explode. Why is it that guys never seem to have this problem? Why is it that the women always seem to be the once losing thier sex drive? It's just not fair!
Well, I have decided that no matter how stressful life has become, Bossman always comes first. I haven't shown that to him for awhile, and if he reads this before I do anything about it, he's going to laugh at this paragraph. But I am going to make it happen starting today. It doesn't matter if I feel like doing it, it just matters that I do it. And I'm not even talking about sex anymore, I just talking about him. He's been so wonderful to me though this time when I've been nothing but depressed, cranky, crabby, and basically not much fun to be around. So I must give some back.
So my goal for today is to do something nice for Bossman. Even though I'm going to be working 9 hours today, I'm sure I can think of something nice to do for him. And just thinking about that makes me feel closer to him already. And if I can accomplish that....then sex is just around the corner...
later.....
Still around
Well, I'm still around, I just haven't thought of anything interesting to write about.
My life has been pretty hectic lately, and with so much crap going on, it's hard to get motivated to write something. Life is still good with Bossman, but my job is very stressful right now, so I'm not sure what is going to happen with it.
So as far as the spankings are going....they are still going. Maybe not as much as before, but that is only because the kids are staying up alot later in the evening and so there hasn't been any time for a spanking. But things look promising for this weekend with the kids spending the night at Grandmas, I'm sure there will be some spankings for me. I'm told that I have been getting away with alot of stuff, and so I think my butt will pay. But that really is a good thing because when I don't get spanked very much, we don't seem to be as close as usual. I find myself wanting to crawl into myself, and be by myself alot more. Sometimes just having him touch me sets me on edge, and I'm not sure why. But I feel so much closer and more open to his affection after he has spanked me.
Just writing those words sounds weird to me. Why is spanking so connected to my emotions? Why do I feel so connected to him after he has spanked me, but so distant when he hasn't? I never thought my emotional life would be dependant on spanking. I would never have guess that I deperately need to be spanked. But now it seems like I can't really function properly unless I've been properly spanked.
So lets hope there is some spanking going on in my house this weekend, or god help Bossman because it will probably be worse then PMS...
later......
My life has been pretty hectic lately, and with so much crap going on, it's hard to get motivated to write something. Life is still good with Bossman, but my job is very stressful right now, so I'm not sure what is going to happen with it.
So as far as the spankings are going....they are still going. Maybe not as much as before, but that is only because the kids are staying up alot later in the evening and so there hasn't been any time for a spanking. But things look promising for this weekend with the kids spending the night at Grandmas, I'm sure there will be some spankings for me. I'm told that I have been getting away with alot of stuff, and so I think my butt will pay. But that really is a good thing because when I don't get spanked very much, we don't seem to be as close as usual. I find myself wanting to crawl into myself, and be by myself alot more. Sometimes just having him touch me sets me on edge, and I'm not sure why. But I feel so much closer and more open to his affection after he has spanked me.
Just writing those words sounds weird to me. Why is spanking so connected to my emotions? Why do I feel so connected to him after he has spanked me, but so distant when he hasn't? I never thought my emotional life would be dependant on spanking. I would never have guess that I deperately need to be spanked. But now it seems like I can't really function properly unless I've been properly spanked.
So lets hope there is some spanking going on in my house this weekend, or god help Bossman because it will probably be worse then PMS...
later......
Life is good.
Things are going so great in my life right now, I hate to say anything for fear of jinxing it!
But I just have to get this all down, so when the bad times show up I can read this and remember that things do get better!
Bossman and I are really getting along great. The other night, I told him some things about me from when we were first married that he didn't know. It got really personal, so I don't feel comfortable sharing it here, but after I told him he was really surprised. He said it changed his outlook about me, (in a good way) and he only wished he had known this stuff all those years ago, because now it just seems like wasted time to him.
But it's not wasted time in my book. All the years we've been together have been a learning experience. They have been a time of growing and maturing. We are both such different people than we were back then. I agree that had I shared my feelings back then, things might have been different sooner, but I think we are exactly where we should be right now.
D/d is going to a part of our lives forever. That night was the realization that it wasn't just some thing that we were experimenting with. It isn't some kinky sex thing that we will get bored with. This is our life now! Do you know how happy this makes me? I thought this was some sort of sick fantasy. When I first got married the internet wasn't really around, so I thought I was just plain nuts to even think this was something that normal people did. So I never thought it would be real for me. I really never thought I would be able to share such weird thoughts with my husband. We are the goodie two shoes that go to church every week and don't drink. So to think that my life would be like this....well it's a dream come true. How lucky am I?
So enough bragging, and on to some details. We have been having our nightly spankings with the back scratcher. We have a ritual of me going into the bedroom at 11 and waiting at the wall, holding the dreaded BS. (isn't that the perfect initials for it?) Bossman comes in, places me over his lap and smacks my bottom with that thing. He doesn't make it bad. I'm not in tears or anything. It's just enough to get my attention. It's enough to make my bottom sting for awhile, but it isn't anything like a punishment spanking.
Bossman said that he really enjoys this part of the day. This is the part of the day when he knows that for the next 20 or 30 minutes, he is in complete control, and I have submitted myself to him completely. He likes that! So I guess you could say it's a win win situation for us. I get his undivided attention, and he gets a wife that is completely submissive. I would say it's a great way to end the day. Of course 9 times out of 10, it leads to some great love making......ahhhhhhh, life is good!
later....
But I just have to get this all down, so when the bad times show up I can read this and remember that things do get better!
Bossman and I are really getting along great. The other night, I told him some things about me from when we were first married that he didn't know. It got really personal, so I don't feel comfortable sharing it here, but after I told him he was really surprised. He said it changed his outlook about me, (in a good way) and he only wished he had known this stuff all those years ago, because now it just seems like wasted time to him.
But it's not wasted time in my book. All the years we've been together have been a learning experience. They have been a time of growing and maturing. We are both such different people than we were back then. I agree that had I shared my feelings back then, things might have been different sooner, but I think we are exactly where we should be right now.
D/d is going to a part of our lives forever. That night was the realization that it wasn't just some thing that we were experimenting with. It isn't some kinky sex thing that we will get bored with. This is our life now! Do you know how happy this makes me? I thought this was some sort of sick fantasy. When I first got married the internet wasn't really around, so I thought I was just plain nuts to even think this was something that normal people did. So I never thought it would be real for me. I really never thought I would be able to share such weird thoughts with my husband. We are the goodie two shoes that go to church every week and don't drink. So to think that my life would be like this....well it's a dream come true. How lucky am I?
So enough bragging, and on to some details. We have been having our nightly spankings with the back scratcher. We have a ritual of me going into the bedroom at 11 and waiting at the wall, holding the dreaded BS. (isn't that the perfect initials for it?) Bossman comes in, places me over his lap and smacks my bottom with that thing. He doesn't make it bad. I'm not in tears or anything. It's just enough to get my attention. It's enough to make my bottom sting for awhile, but it isn't anything like a punishment spanking.
Bossman said that he really enjoys this part of the day. This is the part of the day when he knows that for the next 20 or 30 minutes, he is in complete control, and I have submitted myself to him completely. He likes that! So I guess you could say it's a win win situation for us. I get his undivided attention, and he gets a wife that is completely submissive. I would say it's a great way to end the day. Of course 9 times out of 10, it leads to some great love making......ahhhhhhh, life is good!
later....
Of d/d and childrens birthdays and other nonsense
Today is my little man's birthday. He is my baby! And now he's seven. He told me this morning that he was a big boy now, and I can't treat him like a baby anymore. Yeah, right, like that's gonna happen!
Where did the time go? When did he become this little person with thoughts and feelings and opinions about things? When did he realize that he could make decisions like what to wear, and how he wants his hair combed? And when did he become so freaking smart? He's only in 1st grade, but he's reading almost 4th grade level. And the biggest question of all is......when did I get this OLD? I mean, I already knew I was getting old, my 14yr old reminds me daily of how ancient I am. Well, life does continue on doesn't it.
Speaking of continuing on....d/d is still alive and kicking around here. Isn't it funny how relationships are? Ours is constantly up and down. And it's the same with the d/d. It's up for awhile, and then we seem to throw it on the back burner for awhile. Sometimes I think life just gets in the way. Well, its on the front burner right now.
Last year, before my grandma died, Bossman was spanking me every night. Not anything major, just enough to remind me that he was in charge. I didn't really think it was necessary, but I have to admit, Iwas alot more submissive. But then my grandma died, and things changed. Life for me changed. I almost wanted to give up the whole d/d thing. Almost, was the key word in that last sentence. I didn't really know what I wanted back then. But a couple of months ago, we had our big blow up, and I thought I had lost d/d forever. Lucky for me, I have the most understanding husband in the world, and so it didn't come to that. But I never could be back into the whole every night spanking routine. But last night Bossman decided every night was going to happen. Starting last night. He wants me to be more submissive, and I want to be more submissive, so we are going back to everynight for awhile. He has determined that weekends will be off, unless something really needs to be addressed. He said that he may not spank every night, but he wants to see me assume the position, to show my submission, every night. So I agreed that we would try this for awhile and see what happens.
Will this work? Who knows? But I'm all for trying to please my husband.
Speaking of pleasing my husband. He is so amazing, I just have write down what he said yesterday. The last couple of days have been sort of tense for us. We weren't really connecting. But yesterday, he said we needed to stop being so distant from each other. He said that everyday that we do that, is another day that we've wasted not being loving to each other. Every day that goes by is another day that we can't get back and we've wasted it!
So people, don't waste another day being distant from your lover. If something happens to you tomorrow, you will have wasted a perfectly good day with your lover.
Life is too short.....go make love or get a spanking or something....
later.......
Where did the time go? When did he become this little person with thoughts and feelings and opinions about things? When did he realize that he could make decisions like what to wear, and how he wants his hair combed? And when did he become so freaking smart? He's only in 1st grade, but he's reading almost 4th grade level. And the biggest question of all is......when did I get this OLD? I mean, I already knew I was getting old, my 14yr old reminds me daily of how ancient I am. Well, life does continue on doesn't it.
Speaking of continuing on....d/d is still alive and kicking around here. Isn't it funny how relationships are? Ours is constantly up and down. And it's the same with the d/d. It's up for awhile, and then we seem to throw it on the back burner for awhile. Sometimes I think life just gets in the way. Well, its on the front burner right now.
Last year, before my grandma died, Bossman was spanking me every night. Not anything major, just enough to remind me that he was in charge. I didn't really think it was necessary, but I have to admit, Iwas alot more submissive. But then my grandma died, and things changed. Life for me changed. I almost wanted to give up the whole d/d thing. Almost, was the key word in that last sentence. I didn't really know what I wanted back then. But a couple of months ago, we had our big blow up, and I thought I had lost d/d forever. Lucky for me, I have the most understanding husband in the world, and so it didn't come to that. But I never could be back into the whole every night spanking routine. But last night Bossman decided every night was going to happen. Starting last night. He wants me to be more submissive, and I want to be more submissive, so we are going back to everynight for awhile. He has determined that weekends will be off, unless something really needs to be addressed. He said that he may not spank every night, but he wants to see me assume the position, to show my submission, every night. So I agreed that we would try this for awhile and see what happens.
Will this work? Who knows? But I'm all for trying to please my husband.
Speaking of pleasing my husband. He is so amazing, I just have write down what he said yesterday. The last couple of days have been sort of tense for us. We weren't really connecting. But yesterday, he said we needed to stop being so distant from each other. He said that everyday that we do that, is another day that we've wasted not being loving to each other. Every day that goes by is another day that we can't get back and we've wasted it!
So people, don't waste another day being distant from your lover. If something happens to you tomorrow, you will have wasted a perfectly good day with your lover.
Life is too short.....go make love or get a spanking or something....
later.......
Book Tag
Ok, I was book tagged, and so I will give the answers, but I can't tag anyone cuz they've already been tagged...is this anything like getting picked last for the sports at school? LOL
Question 1: How many books do you own?
Answer: Lots and lots, and I like to trade out to others...but I have the whole collection of V.C Andrew books, starting of course with Flowers in the Attic. I also have the whole set of Diane Gabalon books, starting with Outlander. (BTW) In one of the Outlander books there was an excellent spanking scene, and references to childhood spankings.
Question 2: What was the last book I bought?
Answer: EASY, cuz I just bought it the other day, Midnight in the Garden of Good and of Evie, by Marianne Stillings.
Question 3: Last book I read
Answer: Same as question 2, I read it the same day I bought it.
Question 4: 5 books that mean something to me.
Answer: 1. The Bible....need I say more about that?
2. The Purpose Driven Life. This book has really changed my life.
3. The Outlander. This is one of the best love stories...I have read this book about 4 or 5 times!
4.Guess how much I love you. Ok, it's a childs book, but I love it so much and read it almost everyday to my son.
5. Alice in Wonderland. The reason this book means so much to me is because it's the very first chapter book I ever read as a kid. So I've always felt a certain connection with this book.
later.........
Question 1: How many books do you own?
Answer: Lots and lots, and I like to trade out to others...but I have the whole collection of V.C Andrew books, starting of course with Flowers in the Attic. I also have the whole set of Diane Gabalon books, starting with Outlander. (BTW) In one of the Outlander books there was an excellent spanking scene, and references to childhood spankings.
Question 2: What was the last book I bought?
Answer: EASY, cuz I just bought it the other day, Midnight in the Garden of Good and of Evie, by Marianne Stillings.
Question 3: Last book I read
Answer: Same as question 2, I read it the same day I bought it.
Question 4: 5 books that mean something to me.
Answer: 1. The Bible....need I say more about that?
2. The Purpose Driven Life. This book has really changed my life.
3. The Outlander. This is one of the best love stories...I have read this book about 4 or 5 times!
4.Guess how much I love you. Ok, it's a childs book, but I love it so much and read it almost everyday to my son.
5. Alice in Wonderland. The reason this book means so much to me is because it's the very first chapter book I ever read as a kid. So I've always felt a certain connection with this book.
later.........
Common courtesy...Does it still exist?
Ok, heres the question of the day, does anyone in the world still have common courtesy? Am I the only one that thinks that if your not going to show up when you said you would that you should call someone and let them know? Am I the only one that thinks that when you have plans with someone, that it is rude to leave them waiting?
This is the short story. My daughter was in a play. The last performance was Saturday afternoon. Bossman has an aunt and uncle that live about 3 hours away from us, and they said they were going to come and see my daughter in her play. (a little background here, we have traveled to their house at least 3 different times to see their daughter perform) All week long we spoke over the phone about the details. They reserved a hotel room for the night, and I spent HOURS cleaning my house. (ok, maybe not hours, but I really worked hard on my house.) I spent over an hour going over the directions to our house, to the school, to the hotel.
So day of the performance, we don't hear from them. We call their cell phone, no answer. The time to leave for the show comes, still we hear nothing. So I go to the play. I come home from the play. We make other plans for the evening, because like I said, we heard NOTHING.
So it's about 5 now, and the phone rings. It's my mother-in-law (MIL). She says, oh they made it to town, and they are at their hotel room resting. HUH??? They are in town? What happen, I ask? Oh, they stopped at a strawberry festival. WHAT? Oh yeah, and they want you guys to come over to my house tonight because they have christmas gifts for you. HUH? Christmas in May?
May I remind you, if your still following this story, we already made plans! So because my kids were really looking forward to seeing them, we cancelled our plans and we went to see them. But can I just say, I was PISSED! Somebody needed a spanking, and for once, it wasn't me!
I know, your wondering, like I am, why they didn't call. This question was never answered. I still don't know. But I'll tell you something, I won't be attending one of their functions for a very very long time!
So back to the question, what happened to common courtesy? Is it wrong of me to expect someone to call if they aren't showing up? Maybe I'm just expecting to much out of people. Yeah, that must be it. It's my fault for expecting too much out of people. ~sigh~ What is happening to this world?
~new subject~
I got spanked 3 times last week. This can be viewed as a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your perspective. Since I was the spankee, I would say, it was a bad thing at the time, but in the end, it was a very very good thing. Why do I feel so much love afterward? You would think it would be the other way around. You would think I would be upset afterward, but no, I am most happy after being taking care of. I feel so lucky that I have a husband that is willing to take care of me in this way.
~new subject~
Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Ok, Rex is into S&M. And he has talked Bree into participating. So the weird pharmacist snuck into the house, and found the "box" of goodies. And he tells Bree that her husband is telling everyone about their "inappropriate" behavior in the bedroom. Why did he have to call it inappropriate?
Why is S&M considered inappropriate? I think that what 2 consenting adults do in the bedroom, is between them, and I don't think it's inappropriate. I know there are alot of people that think my husband spanking me is inappropriate. But it's appropriate for us. Who decides what is appropriate, and what isn't? Who are "they"? They decide what is appropriate, they decide what is good and what isn't. THEY decide, and I want to know who THEY are and who left THEM in charge of the world?
Frankly, I'm really getting sick of THEM!!! Will somebody tell THEM that I think they need to mind their own business and stop telling us what is appropriate and what isn't.
Ok, I'll stop now, I'm done with my rant.
later..........
This is the short story. My daughter was in a play. The last performance was Saturday afternoon. Bossman has an aunt and uncle that live about 3 hours away from us, and they said they were going to come and see my daughter in her play. (a little background here, we have traveled to their house at least 3 different times to see their daughter perform) All week long we spoke over the phone about the details. They reserved a hotel room for the night, and I spent HOURS cleaning my house. (ok, maybe not hours, but I really worked hard on my house.) I spent over an hour going over the directions to our house, to the school, to the hotel.
So day of the performance, we don't hear from them. We call their cell phone, no answer. The time to leave for the show comes, still we hear nothing. So I go to the play. I come home from the play. We make other plans for the evening, because like I said, we heard NOTHING.
So it's about 5 now, and the phone rings. It's my mother-in-law (MIL). She says, oh they made it to town, and they are at their hotel room resting. HUH??? They are in town? What happen, I ask? Oh, they stopped at a strawberry festival. WHAT? Oh yeah, and they want you guys to come over to my house tonight because they have christmas gifts for you. HUH? Christmas in May?
May I remind you, if your still following this story, we already made plans! So because my kids were really looking forward to seeing them, we cancelled our plans and we went to see them. But can I just say, I was PISSED! Somebody needed a spanking, and for once, it wasn't me!
I know, your wondering, like I am, why they didn't call. This question was never answered. I still don't know. But I'll tell you something, I won't be attending one of their functions for a very very long time!
So back to the question, what happened to common courtesy? Is it wrong of me to expect someone to call if they aren't showing up? Maybe I'm just expecting to much out of people. Yeah, that must be it. It's my fault for expecting too much out of people. ~sigh~ What is happening to this world?
~new subject~
I got spanked 3 times last week. This can be viewed as a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your perspective. Since I was the spankee, I would say, it was a bad thing at the time, but in the end, it was a very very good thing. Why do I feel so much love afterward? You would think it would be the other way around. You would think I would be upset afterward, but no, I am most happy after being taking care of. I feel so lucky that I have a husband that is willing to take care of me in this way.
~new subject~
Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Ok, Rex is into S&M. And he has talked Bree into participating. So the weird pharmacist snuck into the house, and found the "box" of goodies. And he tells Bree that her husband is telling everyone about their "inappropriate" behavior in the bedroom. Why did he have to call it inappropriate?
Why is S&M considered inappropriate? I think that what 2 consenting adults do in the bedroom, is between them, and I don't think it's inappropriate. I know there are alot of people that think my husband spanking me is inappropriate. But it's appropriate for us. Who decides what is appropriate, and what isn't? Who are "they"? They decide what is appropriate, they decide what is good and what isn't. THEY decide, and I want to know who THEY are and who left THEM in charge of the world?
Frankly, I'm really getting sick of THEM!!! Will somebody tell THEM that I think they need to mind their own business and stop telling us what is appropriate and what isn't.
Ok, I'll stop now, I'm done with my rant.
later..........
Another year older
Ok, so I made it to another year! And just as I thought, the day wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Bossman treated me to some great sex in the morning, fixed me breakfast and pretty much treated me like a queen for the rest of the day. The wildchild is in a play at school, and my birthday night was opening night, so I got to see her act in her play. She was fabulous, as usual. She's incredibly talented, and I'm not just saying that because she's my child. She is talented in a lot of ways, and I'm just hoping she manages to figure out that she can use those talents and become something great. Now if only I could get her to study, I'd be a happy mama.
I screwed up Mothers day. I think I'm getting spanked for this one. See, we only have one car that works right now, so Bossman and I have to share. Well, I had to work on M-day and his mother lives near my work, so it was decided that I would drop off her gift on the way home from work. Now we had been to her house the day before, and forgotten to give her the gift, that was why I had to drop it off after work. Anyway, my mother-in-law, which we will now refer to as the MIL, has a thing about getting cards. I personally don't see a big deal with cards, I'd rather get a gift, (I know, how perfectly greedy of me) but she likes the mushy gooey cards. But we forgot the card. Bossman asked me to get a card for her, and I said I would, but I didn't. Now that may sound like something that is not a big deal, but of course, when I dropped off the gift, she made sure to make a comment about how it's been two years in a row now that we forgot to get her a card. (in case you haven't guessed I don't get along to well with the MIL, and that is a story for a different blog.) Anyway, the reason I didn't get the card, is because I didn't really feel like picking out a card that says a bunch of mushy gooey crap. So I didn't get a card. But in my defense, I did give her a great photo album with all kinds of pictures of the kids. But no card. Bossman was not happy. So when I got home and told him that I didn't get the card, I sort of had attitude about it.
Here's the dilemma. I said I would get the card. I didn't get the card. And when I got home, and told him, and he got upset with me, then I got attitude with him. I looked at him like he was nuts, and said, so your getting mad at meeee.....for not getting yourrrrrr mother a card??? Ok, that wasn't the smartest attitude to have with him. Ok, yes, maybe he should have planned ahead and gotten a card, but he didn't. And I did say I would get the card, and then I didn't. But then I had attitude, and then it ruined the rest of M-day for me. Because then he was in a bad mood, and I was in a bad mood.
Today I made another flippant remark about how he was crabby and he said, look, I'm over the part about not getting a card, but I was not happy with your attitude and that was the part that ruined everything. He said he wouldn't have been mad if it had just been the card, he said it was the attitude that made him upset.
So there you have it, I'll probably end up with a sore butt tomorrow, since I'm home and he's home and the kids will be at school. But you know what, I deserve it, because I ruined a perfectly good evening by having a stupid attitude over something that turned out to be not such a big deal. ~sigh~
I guess that's what d/d is all about.....
later........
I screwed up Mothers day. I think I'm getting spanked for this one. See, we only have one car that works right now, so Bossman and I have to share. Well, I had to work on M-day and his mother lives near my work, so it was decided that I would drop off her gift on the way home from work. Now we had been to her house the day before, and forgotten to give her the gift, that was why I had to drop it off after work. Anyway, my mother-in-law, which we will now refer to as the MIL, has a thing about getting cards. I personally don't see a big deal with cards, I'd rather get a gift, (I know, how perfectly greedy of me) but she likes the mushy gooey cards. But we forgot the card. Bossman asked me to get a card for her, and I said I would, but I didn't. Now that may sound like something that is not a big deal, but of course, when I dropped off the gift, she made sure to make a comment about how it's been two years in a row now that we forgot to get her a card. (in case you haven't guessed I don't get along to well with the MIL, and that is a story for a different blog.) Anyway, the reason I didn't get the card, is because I didn't really feel like picking out a card that says a bunch of mushy gooey crap. So I didn't get a card. But in my defense, I did give her a great photo album with all kinds of pictures of the kids. But no card. Bossman was not happy. So when I got home and told him that I didn't get the card, I sort of had attitude about it.
Here's the dilemma. I said I would get the card. I didn't get the card. And when I got home, and told him, and he got upset with me, then I got attitude with him. I looked at him like he was nuts, and said, so your getting mad at meeee.....for not getting yourrrrrr mother a card??? Ok, that wasn't the smartest attitude to have with him. Ok, yes, maybe he should have planned ahead and gotten a card, but he didn't. And I did say I would get the card, and then I didn't. But then I had attitude, and then it ruined the rest of M-day for me. Because then he was in a bad mood, and I was in a bad mood.
Today I made another flippant remark about how he was crabby and he said, look, I'm over the part about not getting a card, but I was not happy with your attitude and that was the part that ruined everything. He said he wouldn't have been mad if it had just been the card, he said it was the attitude that made him upset.
So there you have it, I'll probably end up with a sore butt tomorrow, since I'm home and he's home and the kids will be at school. But you know what, I deserve it, because I ruined a perfectly good evening by having a stupid attitude over something that turned out to be not such a big deal. ~sigh~
I guess that's what d/d is all about.....
later........
Birthday blues
I am having a birthday on Friday. I'm not really feeling very excited about it. It's not that I'm upset about getting older. That part doesn't bother me. I'm not really sure why I'm not caring about it. The only thing I can think of is that my Grandma passed away last Sept. and I am still waiting for the birthday card. She sent me a birthday card every year. It always had money in it, and I would always spend a month ahead of time anticipating the money and what I would buy with it. It wasn't even a lot of money, but it was money that I didn't have to feel guilty about spending on myself. And it was soooo fun thinking of all the things I might do with it.
I would think....hhhmmmm, maybe a new shirt, or maybe that pair of earrings I've been looking at, but never actually buy. Anyway, I can't even tell you what I've bought with the money over the years, because that wasn't even the important part, and that's not the part I miss. I just miss my Grandma. I miss running out to get the mail and looking for the birthday card. I miss that connection with my Grandma. Everyday this week I've checked the mail, and I've looked for the postmark, even though I knew it wouldn't be there. Every year, for the past 36 years, I've gotten a card from her in the mail. It was my mail, for me. When I turned into an adult, and bills started to come, her card was the best mail I got all year. Because she always remembered. Always. Now on my 37th birthday, I'll have to celebrate without my card. Without that connection that drew me close to her. Without her to say, Happy birthday. ~sigh~
I never really thought I would be this upset about a silly little card, but I guess it's those silly little things in life that make the most difference to us. It's those little things that mean the most. And now I'm wondering, did she know how much that meant to me? Did she know how much I enjoyed getting those cards from her? I hope so. I hope I told her before it was too late.
Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you. Tell them how much that card in the mail makes your day special. Tell them before it's too late.....
later........
I would think....hhhmmmm, maybe a new shirt, or maybe that pair of earrings I've been looking at, but never actually buy. Anyway, I can't even tell you what I've bought with the money over the years, because that wasn't even the important part, and that's not the part I miss. I just miss my Grandma. I miss running out to get the mail and looking for the birthday card. I miss that connection with my Grandma. Everyday this week I've checked the mail, and I've looked for the postmark, even though I knew it wouldn't be there. Every year, for the past 36 years, I've gotten a card from her in the mail. It was my mail, for me. When I turned into an adult, and bills started to come, her card was the best mail I got all year. Because she always remembered. Always. Now on my 37th birthday, I'll have to celebrate without my card. Without that connection that drew me close to her. Without her to say, Happy birthday. ~sigh~
I never really thought I would be this upset about a silly little card, but I guess it's those silly little things in life that make the most difference to us. It's those little things that mean the most. And now I'm wondering, did she know how much that meant to me? Did she know how much I enjoyed getting those cards from her? I hope so. I hope I told her before it was too late.
Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you. Tell them how much that card in the mail makes your day special. Tell them before it's too late.....
later........
Putting Bossman first
Putting your husband first...well that's something I never really gave much thought to until I realized how selfish I was being.
Putting your spouse first can be very hard when you have small children. I saw Oprah the other day, and I was amazed at all the wives and mothers putting the kids before the hubby. Kids are very important and I love mine to pieces, but as one lady on the show very nicely put it...I'm IN love with my husband, I'm not in love with my kids.
This doesn't mean I don't love my kids. And I didn't think the lady on the show meant that either, but you should have seen the response the lady got from the other mothers. How DARE she not be in love with her kids! But they didn't get it. These women are so busy being the perfect parents that they left the hubbies out in the dust. One lady even admitted that she watches TV during sex....so he can take care of his "business"! Is that what the world is coming to? Men are just "taking care of business" when they want to make love? I shudder to think that this is what is going on in homes across America. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.
I have to admit, a couple of weeks ago, I was those women. I was thinking only of myself and my kids, and I didn't really give much thought to my hubbies needs. But that has so changed. My kids will only live in my house for a short time, but hopefully, my marriage will last forever. When the kids are gone, if I haven't fulfilled my hubbies needs he may not be around anymore, or our relationship will be strained. How can I put my husbands needs second...for 20 years or so, and expect there to be any sort of chance for our relationship to survive?
My kids will still grow up. I will still be there for my kids every step of the way. But I will make sure that Bossman and I nurture our relationship too. I will NEVER ever watch TV while my Bossman is "doing his business" His business is my business and sex and love making will NEVER be business in my book!
Take the time to love your husbands and wives today. Take the time to hold hands, take the time to give him a kiss as he walks in the door tonight. Take the time. Your kids will know they have parents that love each other, and they will learn how to treat their partners went the time comes. Parents are the best roll models. Love your partner...do it for the kids!
later........
Putting your spouse first can be very hard when you have small children. I saw Oprah the other day, and I was amazed at all the wives and mothers putting the kids before the hubby. Kids are very important and I love mine to pieces, but as one lady on the show very nicely put it...I'm IN love with my husband, I'm not in love with my kids.
This doesn't mean I don't love my kids. And I didn't think the lady on the show meant that either, but you should have seen the response the lady got from the other mothers. How DARE she not be in love with her kids! But they didn't get it. These women are so busy being the perfect parents that they left the hubbies out in the dust. One lady even admitted that she watches TV during sex....so he can take care of his "business"! Is that what the world is coming to? Men are just "taking care of business" when they want to make love? I shudder to think that this is what is going on in homes across America. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.
I have to admit, a couple of weeks ago, I was those women. I was thinking only of myself and my kids, and I didn't really give much thought to my hubbies needs. But that has so changed. My kids will only live in my house for a short time, but hopefully, my marriage will last forever. When the kids are gone, if I haven't fulfilled my hubbies needs he may not be around anymore, or our relationship will be strained. How can I put my husbands needs second...for 20 years or so, and expect there to be any sort of chance for our relationship to survive?
My kids will still grow up. I will still be there for my kids every step of the way. But I will make sure that Bossman and I nurture our relationship too. I will NEVER ever watch TV while my Bossman is "doing his business" His business is my business and sex and love making will NEVER be business in my book!
Take the time to love your husbands and wives today. Take the time to hold hands, take the time to give him a kiss as he walks in the door tonight. Take the time. Your kids will know they have parents that love each other, and they will learn how to treat their partners went the time comes. Parents are the best roll models. Love your partner...do it for the kids!
later........
A few hours later....
What a difference a few hours can make!
The last blog really helped me sort out some things. As a result I realized that I was behaving worse than a child. For heaven sakes, I want my husband to read my mind, I want him to take care of all my needs, I want him to do things exactly the way I want them! Well, at first I didn't really think that was a problem. I mean really, isn't that what we all want? But reality kicked in, and I realized that it really wasn't fair at all. And since I'm being completely honest here, let's face it, I was topping from the bottom!
I was so upset to think that the whole d/d thing might be over, I didn't know what to do. After reading that blog, I didn't really want to publish it. I think that's because I didn't really want to face the truth. But I decided that since I spent all that time writing it, I might as well post it, even if it makes me sound petty and childish.
So, after I posted it, I decide I would scout out some more d/d sites, (like I haven't read them all...lol) and I managed to find lots of new ones. After reading stuff that was pretty much the same, I found some hot spanking stories and started reading them. Of course after I read them, I wanted to be spanked really bad. But I didn't really think that would happen, I figured I had scared Bossman to the point of never spanking me again. ~sigh
But after reading all the stuff I read, I realized what an ASS I've been. The light suddenly flashed in my head, and it dawned on me that I really screwed this up for myself. I wanted him to spank me, but I gave him a hard time every time he tried. I wasn't submissive AT ALL! He was just trying to give me what I wanted but I shot him down at every turn. All I wanted to do at the moment was apologize and make it right again. Plus I really wanted that spanking!
Well, Bossman showed up a few hours later...before the kids came home from school. I really needed to talk to him. But after reading all those stories, I was hot and horny too. So we went in the bedroom and I gave him a really great kiss. I think he was surprised that I kissed him like that, because even though we had make-up sex, I could still feel some tension between us. Anyway, I told him how sorry I was, how wrong I had been about everything. He said he forgave me, and we embraced for a few minutes. Then he said what do you need from me. And I said, I need him to read my mind. Well, he did. He said, I think you need a spanking. To which I blushed and hid my head in his chest. So then I kissed him again, and then he said pull your pants down. To which I gratefully complied. After being securely over his lap, he spanked me kinda long and kinda hard. It was such a relief. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I was that he spanked me.
Of course it goes without saying that we had really hot sex afterward...YIPPEE!!! It was so yummy and hot, and wonderful, and I felt the tension lift immediately. We had to pick the little man up from school, so there wasn't much time for chit chat afterward. But later in the afternoon, we had a few minutes to talk and I really wanted to tell him that I had a different plan for the d/d and I wanted to know what he thought of it.
The way I figured it out was this, I realized that before he decided to spank me, I needed a little warning. I needed him to tell me when. I figure if he does this, this will give me enough time to prepare myself and then I will not be so quick to fight. I will be more willing to submit. A least this is my hope. And I told him all this, and he thinks its a great idea. We are going to try it and see how it goes.
You don't know how happy I am. I really really thought d/d was over for us. I really thought I had pushed Bossman to the point of no return. So I am so anxious to see how this works, I almost wish I had done something to deserve it right now. Notice I said "almost"!
So until the next time..
later.......
The last blog really helped me sort out some things. As a result I realized that I was behaving worse than a child. For heaven sakes, I want my husband to read my mind, I want him to take care of all my needs, I want him to do things exactly the way I want them! Well, at first I didn't really think that was a problem. I mean really, isn't that what we all want? But reality kicked in, and I realized that it really wasn't fair at all. And since I'm being completely honest here, let's face it, I was topping from the bottom!
I was so upset to think that the whole d/d thing might be over, I didn't know what to do. After reading that blog, I didn't really want to publish it. I think that's because I didn't really want to face the truth. But I decided that since I spent all that time writing it, I might as well post it, even if it makes me sound petty and childish.
So, after I posted it, I decide I would scout out some more d/d sites, (like I haven't read them all...lol) and I managed to find lots of new ones. After reading stuff that was pretty much the same, I found some hot spanking stories and started reading them. Of course after I read them, I wanted to be spanked really bad. But I didn't really think that would happen, I figured I had scared Bossman to the point of never spanking me again. ~sigh
But after reading all the stuff I read, I realized what an ASS I've been. The light suddenly flashed in my head, and it dawned on me that I really screwed this up for myself. I wanted him to spank me, but I gave him a hard time every time he tried. I wasn't submissive AT ALL! He was just trying to give me what I wanted but I shot him down at every turn. All I wanted to do at the moment was apologize and make it right again. Plus I really wanted that spanking!
Well, Bossman showed up a few hours later...before the kids came home from school. I really needed to talk to him. But after reading all those stories, I was hot and horny too. So we went in the bedroom and I gave him a really great kiss. I think he was surprised that I kissed him like that, because even though we had make-up sex, I could still feel some tension between us. Anyway, I told him how sorry I was, how wrong I had been about everything. He said he forgave me, and we embraced for a few minutes. Then he said what do you need from me. And I said, I need him to read my mind. Well, he did. He said, I think you need a spanking. To which I blushed and hid my head in his chest. So then I kissed him again, and then he said pull your pants down. To which I gratefully complied. After being securely over his lap, he spanked me kinda long and kinda hard. It was such a relief. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I was that he spanked me.
Of course it goes without saying that we had really hot sex afterward...YIPPEE!!! It was so yummy and hot, and wonderful, and I felt the tension lift immediately. We had to pick the little man up from school, so there wasn't much time for chit chat afterward. But later in the afternoon, we had a few minutes to talk and I really wanted to tell him that I had a different plan for the d/d and I wanted to know what he thought of it.
The way I figured it out was this, I realized that before he decided to spank me, I needed a little warning. I needed him to tell me when. I figure if he does this, this will give me enough time to prepare myself and then I will not be so quick to fight. I will be more willing to submit. A least this is my hope. And I told him all this, and he thinks its a great idea. We are going to try it and see how it goes.
You don't know how happy I am. I really really thought d/d was over for us. I really thought I had pushed Bossman to the point of no return. So I am so anxious to see how this works, I almost wish I had done something to deserve it right now. Notice I said "almost"!
So until the next time..
later.......
Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week
Last week I had typed in a really long entry. It told all about our trip to Vegas, it told all about the concert with Huey. It was also very positive about the d/d.
Bogger lost my post. I hit the publish button. I received a cannot find this page, error. I freaked. I hit the "back" button, I hit the recover post button......nothing. My post was lost in cyberspace. My post, that I spent over an hour composing...LOST!
Fine...I decided I wasn't going to post for awhile.....
Then came Saturday.
Saturday started out to be a great day. We went to a friends house for lunch, the kids were going to spend the night at grandma's, so the evening should have been promising too....right?
That night, we watched a movie. After the movie we went into the bedroom. I was feeling a little bratty. Bossman backed me into a corner and tried to pull my arms above my head. I hate that. I pushed away and crossed the room so I could get ready for bed. I got into bed and watched Bossman getting ready for bed. I could tell that he was upset that I had pushed him away. I thought......he was mad. He got in bed and wanted me to snuggle close to him. I got up next to him, but I wasn't very receptive to his affections. Remember, I thought he was mad...I really thought that. So, suddenly, he flips me over and starts spanking me.
Just so you know, I like to be mentally prepared for stuff like this. I wasn't. It felt so wrong...so mean. I thought he was just taking his anger out on me....remember, I thought he was mad. So I didn't make a sound, and suddenly the pain was too much and I yelled STOP...really loud. Well, he stopped all right. And then I made the worst mistake ever. I asked him if he felt better now. SIGH.....what the hell was I thinking? Well, if he wasn't mad yet, he sure was mad now.
I'm guessing you know the tragic end to this horrible story. Yes, we fought, and we fought bitterly. The night was ruined, we went to bed mad at each other....and the next 2 days were pure hell.
Finally on Tuesday, we decide to talk. Bossman tells me, we can't do d/d anymore. WHAT? Now I'm completely upset. I really didn't expect that. After further discussion, I find out he wasn't mad that night, and he thought he was just exercising his right to spank when I needed it. True, I needed a spanking that night. But it just didn't come out right. It felt so wrong. I wasn't the only one who felt it was wrong. Bossman said he felt like he was beating me, and that was why we couldn't continue with the d/d because couldn't do that anymore. He didn't want to feel like he was beating me. He just couldn't do that to me.
Ok, I respect that. But where do we go from here? I felt like my world that I know it, has come to an end. I felt like he didn't want to take care of me anymore. I felt like he was abandoning me.
But that's not the end of the story. For he told me yesterday, he is still taking care of me. He doesn't think spanking is completely out, but we have to figure out a different way of handling it. He's been very loving to me the last couple of days, and we had GREAT make-up sex. (I love make up sex)
So where does this all leave us? Where to we go from here? I've been searching blogs, and websites for the answers, but I can't seem to find any that fit. In my lost blog, I had written that I felt our d/d needed some structure. I felt like we needed some guidelines to live by. Maybe that is what is holding us back, maybe we don't have the guidelines we need in this part of our relationship. Has anyone written the d/d handbook? Are there rules we should follow? It's so nice to say...everyone is different and we need to make up the rules for ourselves, but that really doesn't help me. Nope that doesn't help me at all.
So we shall continue the journey. I shall search high and low until I can find something that fits us, and our needs.... I have too, for right now I feel like I lost something very important. I have to find it.
later...........
Bogger lost my post. I hit the publish button. I received a cannot find this page, error. I freaked. I hit the "back" button, I hit the recover post button......nothing. My post was lost in cyberspace. My post, that I spent over an hour composing...LOST!
Fine...I decided I wasn't going to post for awhile.....
Then came Saturday.
Saturday started out to be a great day. We went to a friends house for lunch, the kids were going to spend the night at grandma's, so the evening should have been promising too....right?
That night, we watched a movie. After the movie we went into the bedroom. I was feeling a little bratty. Bossman backed me into a corner and tried to pull my arms above my head. I hate that. I pushed away and crossed the room so I could get ready for bed. I got into bed and watched Bossman getting ready for bed. I could tell that he was upset that I had pushed him away. I thought......he was mad. He got in bed and wanted me to snuggle close to him. I got up next to him, but I wasn't very receptive to his affections. Remember, I thought he was mad...I really thought that. So, suddenly, he flips me over and starts spanking me.
Just so you know, I like to be mentally prepared for stuff like this. I wasn't. It felt so wrong...so mean. I thought he was just taking his anger out on me....remember, I thought he was mad. So I didn't make a sound, and suddenly the pain was too much and I yelled STOP...really loud. Well, he stopped all right. And then I made the worst mistake ever. I asked him if he felt better now. SIGH.....what the hell was I thinking? Well, if he wasn't mad yet, he sure was mad now.
I'm guessing you know the tragic end to this horrible story. Yes, we fought, and we fought bitterly. The night was ruined, we went to bed mad at each other....and the next 2 days were pure hell.
Finally on Tuesday, we decide to talk. Bossman tells me, we can't do d/d anymore. WHAT? Now I'm completely upset. I really didn't expect that. After further discussion, I find out he wasn't mad that night, and he thought he was just exercising his right to spank when I needed it. True, I needed a spanking that night. But it just didn't come out right. It felt so wrong. I wasn't the only one who felt it was wrong. Bossman said he felt like he was beating me, and that was why we couldn't continue with the d/d because couldn't do that anymore. He didn't want to feel like he was beating me. He just couldn't do that to me.
Ok, I respect that. But where do we go from here? I felt like my world that I know it, has come to an end. I felt like he didn't want to take care of me anymore. I felt like he was abandoning me.
But that's not the end of the story. For he told me yesterday, he is still taking care of me. He doesn't think spanking is completely out, but we have to figure out a different way of handling it. He's been very loving to me the last couple of days, and we had GREAT make-up sex. (I love make up sex)
So where does this all leave us? Where to we go from here? I've been searching blogs, and websites for the answers, but I can't seem to find any that fit. In my lost blog, I had written that I felt our d/d needed some structure. I felt like we needed some guidelines to live by. Maybe that is what is holding us back, maybe we don't have the guidelines we need in this part of our relationship. Has anyone written the d/d handbook? Are there rules we should follow? It's so nice to say...everyone is different and we need to make up the rules for ourselves, but that really doesn't help me. Nope that doesn't help me at all.
So we shall continue the journey. I shall search high and low until I can find something that fits us, and our needs.... I have too, for right now I feel like I lost something very important. I have to find it.
later...........
I'm baaaackkkk!
Well, we made it back from Vegas...and we had a great time! I will tell all later...I hope.
Thanks for responding to my last blog. When we got home from Vegas, our computer crashed, so we are on a sad, delapitated, borrowed, computer that really shouldn't actually be working, but by some miracle, is working for internet only.
Isn't it wonderful to find out there are people in this world that are going through, or have gone through the things your going through? It really makes me feel like I'm not such a freak in this world. Things are still up and down, but I love all the advice and just the support makes me feel much better about things. Bossman doesn't always read my blog, so I will make sure he reads the last one, and the helpful comments as well.
I want to make this work....I just NEED it to work.....it will work...it will.....
later.....
Thanks for responding to my last blog. When we got home from Vegas, our computer crashed, so we are on a sad, delapitated, borrowed, computer that really shouldn't actually be working, but by some miracle, is working for internet only.
Isn't it wonderful to find out there are people in this world that are going through, or have gone through the things your going through? It really makes me feel like I'm not such a freak in this world. Things are still up and down, but I love all the advice and just the support makes me feel much better about things. Bossman doesn't always read my blog, so I will make sure he reads the last one, and the helpful comments as well.
I want to make this work....I just NEED it to work.....it will work...it will.....
later.....
One step forward, two steps back
This seems to be the pattern that our d/d relationship takes. It's like a weird dance. We take one step forward, and everything seems like it's going to work out, and then one wrong move and BAM, we've taken 2 steps back.
I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs...nothing in this world is perfect, (except maybe cake batter ice cream with brownie from Cold Stone, and if you have a cold stone near you and you haven't tried it yet....uh...HURRY UP already!...now back to our regularly scheduled programming) but still, I would like to find some sort of happy medium where things don't always have to get so out of whack all the time.
I learn so much from the internet, I sometimes wonder what I ever did before the internet, and what would I do if the internet stopped existing? (thank god that will never happen) I've read so much on this d/d stuff, I feel like an expert on the subject. And I AM an expert...in my mind. In my mind it works out perfectly and everyone is happy. (mainly me and Bossman) But it is so much harder in real life. Sometimes I feel like we should just forget about it. It seems to be to much of a bother, it's too big for us to take on. It's too much responsibility. It's too much work. But isn't that what relationships, in general are? Work? So why is this so hard?
I feel like it's my fault. I want this. I need this. I asked for this. Yet, I tend to get pissy when the time comes to own up to my mistakes. When that happens Bossman backs away. Why, you ask? Because, in the end, Bossman cares about me too much! He doesn't really want to hurt me. He doesn't want a confrontation. He's doing this for me. So if he thinks I don't like it, or want it, or fight too much, he just stops.
I realize he is doing this because of me. I also realize he wants to do it. We just haven't figured out how to overcome the part where I'm not in a submissive mood. I don't want to be in a d/d relationship only when the mood strikes, I want it all the time. But I understand his side of things, he doesn't want to have a big blow up. He wants me to comply, and I want to comply, but you know how moods are.....
Funny thing is, I really do want this, and as soon as he walks away, I feel like crap. I'm so sorry I acted like that, and I wish to god I could take it all back. But then it's finished, and it takes us days to work it all out again.
One step forward, two steps back........sigh
later.......
I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs...nothing in this world is perfect, (except maybe cake batter ice cream with brownie from Cold Stone, and if you have a cold stone near you and you haven't tried it yet....uh...HURRY UP already!...now back to our regularly scheduled programming) but still, I would like to find some sort of happy medium where things don't always have to get so out of whack all the time.
I learn so much from the internet, I sometimes wonder what I ever did before the internet, and what would I do if the internet stopped existing? (thank god that will never happen) I've read so much on this d/d stuff, I feel like an expert on the subject. And I AM an expert...in my mind. In my mind it works out perfectly and everyone is happy. (mainly me and Bossman) But it is so much harder in real life. Sometimes I feel like we should just forget about it. It seems to be to much of a bother, it's too big for us to take on. It's too much responsibility. It's too much work. But isn't that what relationships, in general are? Work? So why is this so hard?
I feel like it's my fault. I want this. I need this. I asked for this. Yet, I tend to get pissy when the time comes to own up to my mistakes. When that happens Bossman backs away. Why, you ask? Because, in the end, Bossman cares about me too much! He doesn't really want to hurt me. He doesn't want a confrontation. He's doing this for me. So if he thinks I don't like it, or want it, or fight too much, he just stops.
I realize he is doing this because of me. I also realize he wants to do it. We just haven't figured out how to overcome the part where I'm not in a submissive mood. I don't want to be in a d/d relationship only when the mood strikes, I want it all the time. But I understand his side of things, he doesn't want to have a big blow up. He wants me to comply, and I want to comply, but you know how moods are.....
Funny thing is, I really do want this, and as soon as he walks away, I feel like crap. I'm so sorry I acted like that, and I wish to god I could take it all back. But then it's finished, and it takes us days to work it all out again.
One step forward, two steps back........sigh
later.......
What happens next?
What happens when you break a rule and you don't really feel like you should be punished?
What happens when you fight your way out of it, and then you feel bad because you got out of it?
What happens when you realize you should be punished?
What happens when you wish you would have just kept your mouth shut, but you didn't?
What happens when you promise to submit to your partner, but then don't?
What happens when you NEED to be controlled and your not?
What happens when you KNOW your partner is trying, and your not?
What happens when your guilt overwhelms you?
What happens next?
later......
What happens when you fight your way out of it, and then you feel bad because you got out of it?
What happens when you realize you should be punished?
What happens when you wish you would have just kept your mouth shut, but you didn't?
What happens when you promise to submit to your partner, but then don't?
What happens when you NEED to be controlled and your not?
What happens when you KNOW your partner is trying, and your not?
What happens when your guilt overwhelms you?
What happens next?
later......
Watch out Vegas...here I come!
Hooray for me! I get to go to Vegas! Bossman has earned a trip there, with expenses paid. The best part of this trip is the kidlets are staying HOME!
I am so looking forward to going. The trip is only one week after our 16th anniversary, so this is going to be a great little trip for us.
Did you notice I said 16 years? Can it really be that long since we got married? It seems like only yesterday. Isn't that what everyone says? But really, what happened to the time? How did the wildchild end up in highschool? How did I end up here, right now, typing away my thoughts on a computer? Time is such a weird concept. When your in the moment, you don't realize that the moment will pass, and your life will change. How boring it would be if we stayed the same. But on the other hand, I hate change. I like being in my comfort zone, knowing what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen. But one day you look around and you think....when did that change? When did my kids get taller? When did my daughter decide to become a real person? With thoughts and feelings, no less. When did my son stop wearing diapers, and start reading books by himself? WHEN did this happen?
And then I look back at my relationship with Bossman and I think...WHOA...when did we become THESE people? When did we get into this d/d concept? How did all this come to pass?
When I look back at our wedding day, I remember 2 very young people that didn't have a clue about life. I remember not even really knowing what it was in life that I wanted. Bossman and I had dated for 3 years, part of those years in high school. We had no clue what life was all about, we just knew we wanted to grow up. So we dated, and then we just figured getting married was the next step in life. Don't get me wrong, we were in love, but what is love really when your that young? We didn't know what love was. But we got married. We had a great wedding. And then what? Did we know how to treat each other? Did we really know what married life was all about? NOPE. We hadn't a clue. On our first ann. we found out we were expecting a little bundle of joy. (the wildchild) What the heck were we going to do with a baby? Well, we had the baby, and we kept living our life. We muddled through the years, and frankly if we hadn't had the wildchild we probably would have gotten a divorce. We were just too young. We hadn't grown up. We weren't mature. We hadn't experience life yet. But we stayed together. So we muddle through the years together. About 5 years ago, Bossman decided to change careers. The kids and I have to go stay with my sis-in law, while he tries to get his career going. We suddenly realize....we love each other. I hated being apart from him. He hated being away from me.
When we finally got back together, I started telling him about d/d. It was just little things, I could never just come right out and talk about it. I was embarrassed. I still am. But I started printing out stories. And we started communicating. And things just evolved from there.
We are more in love than ever. I could never imagine being apart from Bossman. He is the light of my life. He makes me the person I am today.
16 years seems like a long time. But in the grand scheme of things....it's just been one stepping stone after another, and the stones keep getting bigger and bigger, so we won't fall in the river.
Even if I start to fall, at least I know Bossman is there to catch me.
later........
I am so looking forward to going. The trip is only one week after our 16th anniversary, so this is going to be a great little trip for us.
Did you notice I said 16 years? Can it really be that long since we got married? It seems like only yesterday. Isn't that what everyone says? But really, what happened to the time? How did the wildchild end up in highschool? How did I end up here, right now, typing away my thoughts on a computer? Time is such a weird concept. When your in the moment, you don't realize that the moment will pass, and your life will change. How boring it would be if we stayed the same. But on the other hand, I hate change. I like being in my comfort zone, knowing what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen. But one day you look around and you think....when did that change? When did my kids get taller? When did my daughter decide to become a real person? With thoughts and feelings, no less. When did my son stop wearing diapers, and start reading books by himself? WHEN did this happen?
And then I look back at my relationship with Bossman and I think...WHOA...when did we become THESE people? When did we get into this d/d concept? How did all this come to pass?
When I look back at our wedding day, I remember 2 very young people that didn't have a clue about life. I remember not even really knowing what it was in life that I wanted. Bossman and I had dated for 3 years, part of those years in high school. We had no clue what life was all about, we just knew we wanted to grow up. So we dated, and then we just figured getting married was the next step in life. Don't get me wrong, we were in love, but what is love really when your that young? We didn't know what love was. But we got married. We had a great wedding. And then what? Did we know how to treat each other? Did we really know what married life was all about? NOPE. We hadn't a clue. On our first ann. we found out we were expecting a little bundle of joy. (the wildchild) What the heck were we going to do with a baby? Well, we had the baby, and we kept living our life. We muddled through the years, and frankly if we hadn't had the wildchild we probably would have gotten a divorce. We were just too young. We hadn't grown up. We weren't mature. We hadn't experience life yet. But we stayed together. So we muddle through the years together. About 5 years ago, Bossman decided to change careers. The kids and I have to go stay with my sis-in law, while he tries to get his career going. We suddenly realize....we love each other. I hated being apart from him. He hated being away from me.
When we finally got back together, I started telling him about d/d. It was just little things, I could never just come right out and talk about it. I was embarrassed. I still am. But I started printing out stories. And we started communicating. And things just evolved from there.
We are more in love than ever. I could never imagine being apart from Bossman. He is the light of my life. He makes me the person I am today.
16 years seems like a long time. But in the grand scheme of things....it's just been one stepping stone after another, and the stones keep getting bigger and bigger, so we won't fall in the river.
Even if I start to fall, at least I know Bossman is there to catch me.
later........
Couple of days ago, Bossman gave me quite the spanking. It was everything that I love and hate all combined.
First he said he just wanted to spank me because he felt like I needed it. It was nothing specific, it was "just because". So first he pulled down my pants and panties, and then had me stand in the corner. Why is that such a turn on for me? I don't get it. I feel so lame doing it, but it's also so freakin' hot.
He kept coming up to me and slapping my bottom. He said it was warm up. Ok fine, but then got out the backscracher and started slapping me with that. God that thing hurts. So then he led me out of the corner, and I thought, hey that wasn't so bad, but then he said now it's time to get over my knee. WHAT? I thought we were done. I, of course, started whining, complaining, but I thought you were done.....
He didn't accept that. Instead he positioned me over his lap and started the real spanking.....with the paddle. OUCH. That's about all I can say. It hurt, it burned, and it was so HOT!!! I kept thinking, I hate this, I love this, I hate this, I love this.... Could someone turn off the voices in my head?
Anyway, I felt extremely subby, and very loved. Sometimes I wonder if I could do something to make him do that again, but its so random in our relationship that I'm not sure what would make him do that again. Plus, I am not the type of person that wants to be bratty on purpose, just for the sake of discipline. I really want discipline to be real, that's why I hate the fact that I find it hot. But I suppose if I didn't find it hot, then I wouldn't be interested in having in my life. But I suppose that's really not true either, because I know of lots of couples that don't find discipline hot, but still have it in their lives.
Well, Bossman assures me that he will be disciplining me when the need arises, so I will continue to hope that this will be a bigger part of our lives, once again. I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with this. And hopefully we will be happier for it.
later.........
First he said he just wanted to spank me because he felt like I needed it. It was nothing specific, it was "just because". So first he pulled down my pants and panties, and then had me stand in the corner. Why is that such a turn on for me? I don't get it. I feel so lame doing it, but it's also so freakin' hot.
He kept coming up to me and slapping my bottom. He said it was warm up. Ok fine, but then got out the backscracher and started slapping me with that. God that thing hurts. So then he led me out of the corner, and I thought, hey that wasn't so bad, but then he said now it's time to get over my knee. WHAT? I thought we were done. I, of course, started whining, complaining, but I thought you were done.....
He didn't accept that. Instead he positioned me over his lap and started the real spanking.....with the paddle. OUCH. That's about all I can say. It hurt, it burned, and it was so HOT!!! I kept thinking, I hate this, I love this, I hate this, I love this.... Could someone turn off the voices in my head?
Anyway, I felt extremely subby, and very loved. Sometimes I wonder if I could do something to make him do that again, but its so random in our relationship that I'm not sure what would make him do that again. Plus, I am not the type of person that wants to be bratty on purpose, just for the sake of discipline. I really want discipline to be real, that's why I hate the fact that I find it hot. But I suppose if I didn't find it hot, then I wouldn't be interested in having in my life. But I suppose that's really not true either, because I know of lots of couples that don't find discipline hot, but still have it in their lives.
Well, Bossman assures me that he will be disciplining me when the need arises, so I will continue to hope that this will be a bigger part of our lives, once again. I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with this. And hopefully we will be happier for it.
later.........
Update
Back in Sept, I lost my Grandmother. It was the first time I've lost a close family member, and I really took it hard. Since that time, Bossman and I have been unable to get back into the d/d aspect of life. It just seemed so trivial, so unimportant, such a waste of time. Bossman, being the good man that he is, gave me the time and space I needed without putting pressure on me to continue d/d. As time went on, I kept saying I wanted to quit that part of our life. I felt like I had no direction, no purpose, I really felt that life was meaningless. Of course now I realize that I was going through a grieving process.
The good news is, Bossman wouldn't, and didn't give up on d/d. No, he didn't spank, but everytime I said I just wanted to give it up, he said he didn't think it was a good idea. He reminded me of how far we had come in our relationship, and how much better our relationship was because of it. So we didn't really give it up, but it was on the "back burner", so to speak
So now, a new year has arrived. I still came to my spanking sites and I realized, I missed this part of my life. I needed him to discipline when needed. Time is healing my grieving heart, but I still had a void where the discipline should have been. So, we've been trying again. It's been hard, but we feel like we are back to square one. He doesn't quite understand what I need, and I don't quite know how to explain it.
I've also come across a very good article at Bethany's woodshed. It really explains in detail things that are expected from the spanker and the spankee. I printed it out, and he read it, and he said it sounded like I wrote it, because it was all the things I had been telling him.
Update: I wrote that for a d/d club that I'm a member of, but I haven't been contributing to. Truth be told, I have been having a hard time even thinking of things to write about for this blog, and that's why there haven't been many posts. But after a long heart to heart with Bossman, and finding that great article, I think we are getting back on track. I hope so.
I read in someone elses blog... Sorry I can't remember which blog...that she was afraid she was just trying to make her husband like this whole d/d life. Honestly, I can totally relate. My husband assures me that he is very happy doing this, I still feel like I'm the weird one and he's just doing it to please me. I'm going to try really hard to squash those feelings because they make the whole d/d thing seem wrong, and although my instinct is think that is wrong, the more I read on the web, the more I realize I'm not alone, and it's not weird.
Society has made the world believe that certain things are wrong, and certain things are right. But who is society and why did they get to decide? I bet if people were honest they would probably agree with alot of the d/d aspects. Ambers stated in her blog that 80 something percent of all d/d or d/s relationships were heterosexual. But that it used to be that most relationships of that nature used to be gay or lesbian. (sorry if I didn't quote that exactly) That really made me think. And it made me realize that I'm not that weird after all. (ok, I'm really weird...but in a good way...LOL)
Anyway, does this blog have a point? Probably not, but if your still reading after all that blah blah blah...Well what can I say? We're starting over....again....with d/d. Will it work this time? Who knows? But I do know, that I'm not giving up!
I need it too much to ever go back!
later......
The good news is, Bossman wouldn't, and didn't give up on d/d. No, he didn't spank, but everytime I said I just wanted to give it up, he said he didn't think it was a good idea. He reminded me of how far we had come in our relationship, and how much better our relationship was because of it. So we didn't really give it up, but it was on the "back burner", so to speak
So now, a new year has arrived. I still came to my spanking sites and I realized, I missed this part of my life. I needed him to discipline when needed. Time is healing my grieving heart, but I still had a void where the discipline should have been. So, we've been trying again. It's been hard, but we feel like we are back to square one. He doesn't quite understand what I need, and I don't quite know how to explain it.
I've also come across a very good article at Bethany's woodshed. It really explains in detail things that are expected from the spanker and the spankee. I printed it out, and he read it, and he said it sounded like I wrote it, because it was all the things I had been telling him.
Update: I wrote that for a d/d club that I'm a member of, but I haven't been contributing to. Truth be told, I have been having a hard time even thinking of things to write about for this blog, and that's why there haven't been many posts. But after a long heart to heart with Bossman, and finding that great article, I think we are getting back on track. I hope so.
I read in someone elses blog... Sorry I can't remember which blog...that she was afraid she was just trying to make her husband like this whole d/d life. Honestly, I can totally relate. My husband assures me that he is very happy doing this, I still feel like I'm the weird one and he's just doing it to please me. I'm going to try really hard to squash those feelings because they make the whole d/d thing seem wrong, and although my instinct is think that is wrong, the more I read on the web, the more I realize I'm not alone, and it's not weird.
Society has made the world believe that certain things are wrong, and certain things are right. But who is society and why did they get to decide? I bet if people were honest they would probably agree with alot of the d/d aspects. Ambers stated in her blog that 80 something percent of all d/d or d/s relationships were heterosexual. But that it used to be that most relationships of that nature used to be gay or lesbian. (sorry if I didn't quote that exactly) That really made me think. And it made me realize that I'm not that weird after all. (ok, I'm really weird...but in a good way...LOL)
Anyway, does this blog have a point? Probably not, but if your still reading after all that blah blah blah...Well what can I say? We're starting over....again....with d/d. Will it work this time? Who knows? But I do know, that I'm not giving up!
I need it too much to ever go back!
later......
Make-up sex
Ahhhhh, is there anything better than make-up sex? I can't think of a thing better.
Bossman and I had a huge fight. I hurt his feelings, he hurt my feelings, and it turned into 3 days of hell.
So today, he comes out and tells me he wants to make up with me, and I really wanted to make up with him, so after talking a bit, we start kissing. I really missed him. It's funny how you can go a couple of days without really being affectionate, and then that first touch.....it's just amazing. It's like you've been deprived for weeks and you suddenly can't get enough. So we get all hot and bothered, make our way down the hall, while touching and kissing. When we get to the bedroom we start removing clothing, and still kissing and touching. So Bossman pushes me down on the bed, and really start getting down to business. This is all really hot and sexy.....
Then Bossman tries to flip me over, and the whole bed falls apart............
Yes, it's true, the bed broke! Right in the middle of really hot, make-up sex! But it was soo funny!
So we stand up, and start touching again, and in my mind I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get him inside me, because the bed was tilted. So I finally grab all the blankets and the comforter and the pillows, toss them on the floor and WA-LA. It was delicous. Have I mentioned how much I love make up sex?
Needless to day, today was a really great day! Ahhh, if only every day could be like today!
later.........
Bossman and I had a huge fight. I hurt his feelings, he hurt my feelings, and it turned into 3 days of hell.
So today, he comes out and tells me he wants to make up with me, and I really wanted to make up with him, so after talking a bit, we start kissing. I really missed him. It's funny how you can go a couple of days without really being affectionate, and then that first touch.....it's just amazing. It's like you've been deprived for weeks and you suddenly can't get enough. So we get all hot and bothered, make our way down the hall, while touching and kissing. When we get to the bedroom we start removing clothing, and still kissing and touching. So Bossman pushes me down on the bed, and really start getting down to business. This is all really hot and sexy.....
Then Bossman tries to flip me over, and the whole bed falls apart............
Yes, it's true, the bed broke! Right in the middle of really hot, make-up sex! But it was soo funny!
So we stand up, and start touching again, and in my mind I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get him inside me, because the bed was tilted. So I finally grab all the blankets and the comforter and the pillows, toss them on the floor and WA-LA. It was delicous. Have I mentioned how much I love make up sex?
Needless to day, today was a really great day! Ahhh, if only every day could be like today!
later.........
New Day, New Year
I'm not really one for New Years Resolutions. I mean really, what's the point? I'm just going to fail at them anyway. So there really isn't a point in setting myself up for failure.
That being said, there are some things I would like to change in my life. So I would like to make a list of them so in a couple of months I can look back on them and see if I've made any progress.
I would like to get more healthy. Ok, I'd like to lose weight, but I say that all the time, and I never do it, so this time I'm just saying I'd like to get more healthy. For starters, I'm going to drink more water.
I would like Bossman and I to get our personal finances back on track.
I would like Bossman and I to get back to discipline. Plain and simple, I miss it and I want it back. I miss knowing that he is coming home from work to spank me. It makes me more aware of the things I'm doing, or not doing, and it makes me think of Bossman in a whole new light. It somehow make me feel more respect for him...like I'm proud he's taking charge. And it also does something to the libido. That's always a good thing. I just feel like we still can't really define the exact way this is suppose to be done. We are up and down more than a yo-yo, and I would like consistancy. I really hope this is something we can accomplish in the next couple of months.
Well, time will tell, and I'm planning on posting my ups and downs on a more frequent basis.
Happy New Year!
later..........
That being said, there are some things I would like to change in my life. So I would like to make a list of them so in a couple of months I can look back on them and see if I've made any progress.
I would like to get more healthy. Ok, I'd like to lose weight, but I say that all the time, and I never do it, so this time I'm just saying I'd like to get more healthy. For starters, I'm going to drink more water.
I would like Bossman and I to get our personal finances back on track.
I would like Bossman and I to get back to discipline. Plain and simple, I miss it and I want it back. I miss knowing that he is coming home from work to spank me. It makes me more aware of the things I'm doing, or not doing, and it makes me think of Bossman in a whole new light. It somehow make me feel more respect for him...like I'm proud he's taking charge. And it also does something to the libido. That's always a good thing. I just feel like we still can't really define the exact way this is suppose to be done. We are up and down more than a yo-yo, and I would like consistancy. I really hope this is something we can accomplish in the next couple of months.
Well, time will tell, and I'm planning on posting my ups and downs on a more frequent basis.
Happy New Year!
later..........
Who's in charge?
Last night Bossman decided to spank me. Now I wasn't to please with this idea, but he did buy some new wooden spoons at the 99cent store, and he really wanted to try them out. So after much huffing, I turned over.
But Bossman got serious last night. He said he wasn't going to give up on me, and he wasn't giving up the d/d. He also said he was going to discipline whenever he felt it was necessary. He said he knows I need this, and he's going to do it. Then he made me repeat, while spanking) that I wanted this, and I need him to do this.
He KNOWS how hard that is for me. I hate admitting it, even though it's true. He told me to say I didn't need it, or want it, but I couldn't, damn it, I couldn't say it. Because in the end, I must admit, I need it.
So, we are continuing the saga, if you can call it that. And can I just say how lucky I am? I think I have the best husband in the entire world. I think I've been blessed more than I deserve. My husband really is so wonderful, so loving, so kind, and I love him.
Merry Christmas!
later.........
But Bossman got serious last night. He said he wasn't going to give up on me, and he wasn't giving up the d/d. He also said he was going to discipline whenever he felt it was necessary. He said he knows I need this, and he's going to do it. Then he made me repeat, while spanking) that I wanted this, and I need him to do this.
He KNOWS how hard that is for me. I hate admitting it, even though it's true. He told me to say I didn't need it, or want it, but I couldn't, damn it, I couldn't say it. Because in the end, I must admit, I need it.
So, we are continuing the saga, if you can call it that. And can I just say how lucky I am? I think I have the best husband in the entire world. I think I've been blessed more than I deserve. My husband really is so wonderful, so loving, so kind, and I love him.
Merry Christmas!
later.........
Mean people SUCK!
I may have used that title before but it is so freaking true! I can't stand MEAN people!
The other day was the first time a customer actually made me cry. I HATE crying! At work I'm considered the tough one. So when I broke down, everyone was shocked. The most shocked was...me! I don't break down when customers are mean, I just get really pissed off. But this guy was just really mean!
Ok, heres the short version of the story. MM (mean man) is making photos on our picture maker off a cd. He comes to the counter to have us price them. My friend helps him, but noticed that some of the pics looked like someone's art work. One of the prints looked like a simpson character. So she asked the MM who took the pics. MM says he did them on his computer. She said, well this one has a signature on the corner. He says he did that on his computer. So, she doesn't know what to do. (store policy states even if the picture looks professional, we can't sell it) One of his pictures was a painting of some kind also.
So, she asks me about it. I come to the counter, take a look at the pictures, and ask a few questions. MM starts getting agitated. Why can't I just buy these, I did these on my computer, these are MY photos. So I ask, who drew this picture? MM says his friend did it. I say, well, we will need your friend to sign a copyright release. So MM crumples up the picture and throws it at me! That's right folks, he threw it at me. Did I mention there was a counter full of people? So now I'm pissed, but I'm also feeling very humiliated. So I say, look, I'll call a manager and let them decide. He says....no I mean...yells, No, just take out all the pictures that you don't want me to have. Now my face is flaming red, my hands are shaking, and I know I'm about to lose it, so I say, I don't want to take any of your pictures out, I'll just call a manager, and he POUNDS on the counter and says....NO, never mind...I want you to shred all these pictures, and I want to WATCH you do it NOW.
So, I grab all the photos and I shred them. I forgot the one he crumpled. And I start lose it. Big time. I'm shaking and I start crying and I know if I don't leave right that second, I'm going to humiliate myself further. (did I mention there was a counter full of people?) So I'm almost done shredding, and a co-worker who was on a break came walking in the lab, she didn't know what was happening and when she walked passed the counter the MM told her to give me crumpled photo to shred also, so she brings it to me. And I don't look at her, I'm just shredding, and she says here, he wants you to shred this one too. And then she sees I'm crying, and she says, WHAT the heck is happening here? And I mumble...look, tell the guy I've shredded all his pictures...now I gotta go NOW. And I RUN out of the lab, through the store, to the lounge bathroom, (thank god no one was in there) and I sob! Hysterically, sob. But it was the kind of sobbing that you try to do quietly, cuz I didn't want everyone in the lounge to know I was crying. But as I was running out of the lab, I hear my co-worker, my friend, go up to the counter and ask the man in a very LOUD voice....WHAT the hell did you say to my friend? And when I got to the bathroom I heard my very good friend page for a manager!
Well, I returned to the lab about 30 min or so later....I had to wait until my eyes didn't look so bad. And I waited until the MM left. Apparently the manager told Creepo that he should not bring is pictures to our lab anymore. HOORAY! He better not, cuz next time, I won't be such a baby, and I'll tell him to f-off. And if I get fired for that.........GOOD!
So todays moral is....be nice to your store employees. The store employees don't make the rules. The store employees have feelings too. Store employess are not stupid...we are not ignorant, and we are not retarded. Some of us have college educations! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! I happen to work there because I CHOOSE too. I know it seems hard to believe, but I like my job. I just want to work part time so I can raise my family and right now this is the best option for me. Doesn't mean I'm STUPID!
Be nice to your fellow store clerks, we are human, we make mistakes, and we have feelings!
And as Forrest Gump so nicely says it.....That's all I gotta say about that.
later.............
The other day was the first time a customer actually made me cry. I HATE crying! At work I'm considered the tough one. So when I broke down, everyone was shocked. The most shocked was...me! I don't break down when customers are mean, I just get really pissed off. But this guy was just really mean!
Ok, heres the short version of the story. MM (mean man) is making photos on our picture maker off a cd. He comes to the counter to have us price them. My friend helps him, but noticed that some of the pics looked like someone's art work. One of the prints looked like a simpson character. So she asked the MM who took the pics. MM says he did them on his computer. She said, well this one has a signature on the corner. He says he did that on his computer. So, she doesn't know what to do. (store policy states even if the picture looks professional, we can't sell it) One of his pictures was a painting of some kind also.
So, she asks me about it. I come to the counter, take a look at the pictures, and ask a few questions. MM starts getting agitated. Why can't I just buy these, I did these on my computer, these are MY photos. So I ask, who drew this picture? MM says his friend did it. I say, well, we will need your friend to sign a copyright release. So MM crumples up the picture and throws it at me! That's right folks, he threw it at me. Did I mention there was a counter full of people? So now I'm pissed, but I'm also feeling very humiliated. So I say, look, I'll call a manager and let them decide. He says....no I mean...yells, No, just take out all the pictures that you don't want me to have. Now my face is flaming red, my hands are shaking, and I know I'm about to lose it, so I say, I don't want to take any of your pictures out, I'll just call a manager, and he POUNDS on the counter and says....NO, never mind...I want you to shred all these pictures, and I want to WATCH you do it NOW.
So, I grab all the photos and I shred them. I forgot the one he crumpled. And I start lose it. Big time. I'm shaking and I start crying and I know if I don't leave right that second, I'm going to humiliate myself further. (did I mention there was a counter full of people?) So I'm almost done shredding, and a co-worker who was on a break came walking in the lab, she didn't know what was happening and when she walked passed the counter the MM told her to give me crumpled photo to shred also, so she brings it to me. And I don't look at her, I'm just shredding, and she says here, he wants you to shred this one too. And then she sees I'm crying, and she says, WHAT the heck is happening here? And I mumble...look, tell the guy I've shredded all his pictures...now I gotta go NOW. And I RUN out of the lab, through the store, to the lounge bathroom, (thank god no one was in there) and I sob! Hysterically, sob. But it was the kind of sobbing that you try to do quietly, cuz I didn't want everyone in the lounge to know I was crying. But as I was running out of the lab, I hear my co-worker, my friend, go up to the counter and ask the man in a very LOUD voice....WHAT the hell did you say to my friend? And when I got to the bathroom I heard my very good friend page for a manager!
Well, I returned to the lab about 30 min or so later....I had to wait until my eyes didn't look so bad. And I waited until the MM left. Apparently the manager told Creepo that he should not bring is pictures to our lab anymore. HOORAY! He better not, cuz next time, I won't be such a baby, and I'll tell him to f-off. And if I get fired for that.........GOOD!
So todays moral is....be nice to your store employees. The store employees don't make the rules. The store employees have feelings too. Store employess are not stupid...we are not ignorant, and we are not retarded. Some of us have college educations! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! I happen to work there because I CHOOSE too. I know it seems hard to believe, but I like my job. I just want to work part time so I can raise my family and right now this is the best option for me. Doesn't mean I'm STUPID!
Be nice to your fellow store clerks, we are human, we make mistakes, and we have feelings!
And as Forrest Gump so nicely says it.....That's all I gotta say about that.
later.............
cycles of d/d
This is such a hard thing to for me to admit. I don't think I want to be in d/d right now. I don't want to deal with this stuff. Things that were once important to me, just don't seem important anymore, and d/d is one of those things.
Is this just a cycle....a phase, if you will, in my life? Does this stem from my grandmothers death? Because as I look back on the last couple of months, it seems it all started when she died. So maybe this is just an extention of the grieveing process.
I've been so blessed in my life that I never really had to deal with the death of someone that I cared deeply about. So maybe I don't even know that this is perfectly normal and I will get over it. I keep thinking that time will pass, and I will be able to get on with my life in a normal capacity, but then I keep thinking, nothing will ever be normal again. What exactly is normal? Normal to me is the way life was, and unfortunatly I can't go back to normal. Normal is when I didn't know what it was like to go to a wake and see someone you love, dead. I know what that is like now. Normal is when I didn't have to see my mother sob over her dead mother. I saw that. Normal is when I didn't have to stand in front of a room of strangers, and try and sum up my Grandmothers 82 years of life, in a matter of sentences. I did that. So will I ever be able to be normal again? Nope! Can't happen.
So now I must find a new path. I must make out a new normal. Does that new normal include d/d? I don't know. Is this just a cycle of life? Will I want it again? I wish I knew. The funny thing is, I still enjoy reading about d/d. I dream about it. I think about it. I get turned on by thinking about it. But the desire to participate is gone. I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there are so many other things in life that are more important.
I really thought I was getting over my grandmothers death. But after looking back on the last couple of months, I realize I haven't really gotten over it. I just tried to set it aside. But it's still there. I feel like I need to see her picture, look at the flowers that I hung on the wall from her funeral everyday. I'm obsessing with the pictures. My mind keeps thinking about her funeral. What I said. What I could have said. What I should have said. What I didn't say.
So I don't know what will happen with d/d in my life. I still read about it. I still enjoy discussing it. But I don't want to participate. I want to be an observer. I don't want to deal with it in my own life. It seems like too much work. It's too hard to figure out.
later.......
(I wrote the above on Nov 22)
I wrote the above blog but didn't want to post it, because I wasn't sure where I was going with it. Bossman reads this and I didn't know if I wanted him to know all this stuff. But the other morning he gave me a great spanking. It was just for fun, but it was nice. It felt great and we had great sex afterwards.
So what does this mean? I still like spanking, that much I can figure out. But for discipline? Hmmm, I don't know yet. Bossman has backed off the discipline lately, so we are just taking it one day at a time, which is what anyone will tell you is the only way to heal. But I guess I'm not willing to say, I don't want discipline. Because I know I would regret saying that. Maybe that is why I didn't post the original blog. I can't fully say that I'm ready to give up the discipline. I don't want to. So I guess I answered my own question about cycles. This must just be a phase I'm going through, because I simply can't fully commit to saying I don't want this in my life. I can't say it. I won't say it.
Life is too complicated right now. I'm just going to deal with it one day at a time. One spanking at a time.......
later........
Is this just a cycle....a phase, if you will, in my life? Does this stem from my grandmothers death? Because as I look back on the last couple of months, it seems it all started when she died. So maybe this is just an extention of the grieveing process.
I've been so blessed in my life that I never really had to deal with the death of someone that I cared deeply about. So maybe I don't even know that this is perfectly normal and I will get over it. I keep thinking that time will pass, and I will be able to get on with my life in a normal capacity, but then I keep thinking, nothing will ever be normal again. What exactly is normal? Normal to me is the way life was, and unfortunatly I can't go back to normal. Normal is when I didn't know what it was like to go to a wake and see someone you love, dead. I know what that is like now. Normal is when I didn't have to see my mother sob over her dead mother. I saw that. Normal is when I didn't have to stand in front of a room of strangers, and try and sum up my Grandmothers 82 years of life, in a matter of sentences. I did that. So will I ever be able to be normal again? Nope! Can't happen.
So now I must find a new path. I must make out a new normal. Does that new normal include d/d? I don't know. Is this just a cycle of life? Will I want it again? I wish I knew. The funny thing is, I still enjoy reading about d/d. I dream about it. I think about it. I get turned on by thinking about it. But the desire to participate is gone. I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there are so many other things in life that are more important.
I really thought I was getting over my grandmothers death. But after looking back on the last couple of months, I realize I haven't really gotten over it. I just tried to set it aside. But it's still there. I feel like I need to see her picture, look at the flowers that I hung on the wall from her funeral everyday. I'm obsessing with the pictures. My mind keeps thinking about her funeral. What I said. What I could have said. What I should have said. What I didn't say.
So I don't know what will happen with d/d in my life. I still read about it. I still enjoy discussing it. But I don't want to participate. I want to be an observer. I don't want to deal with it in my own life. It seems like too much work. It's too hard to figure out.
later.......
(I wrote the above on Nov 22)
I wrote the above blog but didn't want to post it, because I wasn't sure where I was going with it. Bossman reads this and I didn't know if I wanted him to know all this stuff. But the other morning he gave me a great spanking. It was just for fun, but it was nice. It felt great and we had great sex afterwards.
So what does this mean? I still like spanking, that much I can figure out. But for discipline? Hmmm, I don't know yet. Bossman has backed off the discipline lately, so we are just taking it one day at a time, which is what anyone will tell you is the only way to heal. But I guess I'm not willing to say, I don't want discipline. Because I know I would regret saying that. Maybe that is why I didn't post the original blog. I can't fully say that I'm ready to give up the discipline. I don't want to. So I guess I answered my own question about cycles. This must just be a phase I'm going through, because I simply can't fully commit to saying I don't want this in my life. I can't say it. I won't say it.
Life is too complicated right now. I'm just going to deal with it one day at a time. One spanking at a time.......
later........
Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving!
The day has arrived and I'm hoping that everyone will get along. Since we only have to spend a short time with the MIL, I think we will have a nice day.
Here's hoping everyone else is having a great day as well!
later.........
The day has arrived and I'm hoping that everyone will get along. Since we only have to spend a short time with the MIL, I think we will have a nice day.
Here's hoping everyone else is having a great day as well!
later.........
Orgasms
I was reading someones' blog recently, and they were talking about mind blowing orgasms. I've had some of those, I'm happy to report.
This blog is not about that though, what I want to know is how do women have more than one orgasm at a time? How does this happen? I simply can't go there...and I'm completely jealous of those that can!
I have a friend that claims she can orgasm 5 times in one session. GEEZ! That is not fair! I so want to experience this. And I've tried! Believe me, I've tried. I thought maybe if I practiced with myself I would be able to lead Bossman. But I've tried, and I can't do it. It's too sensitive and then it just gets numb. What is UP with that???
So, I'm going to do some more investigating. I'm going to make this my mission in life. I WANT multiple orgasms. And I won't stop until I get them!
later.........
This blog is not about that though, what I want to know is how do women have more than one orgasm at a time? How does this happen? I simply can't go there...and I'm completely jealous of those that can!
I have a friend that claims she can orgasm 5 times in one session. GEEZ! That is not fair! I so want to experience this. And I've tried! Believe me, I've tried. I thought maybe if I practiced with myself I would be able to lead Bossman. But I've tried, and I can't do it. It's too sensitive and then it just gets numb. What is UP with that???
So, I'm going to do some more investigating. I'm going to make this my mission in life. I WANT multiple orgasms. And I won't stop until I get them!
later.........
Flowers
Yesterday was a hectic day at work. Busy busy busy, and don't get me started on all the stupid people...sheez.
Anyway, I was not in a very good mood. Thinking about the holidays makes me in a bad mood...and I will write a blog about that later. So we talked about thanksgiving, and I got in a bad mood, and then I had to work for 9 hours...yuck. It wasn't the start of a great day, that's for sure. But then in the middle of the day, out of no where, the service desk calls back and says...hey girl, you got flowers up here. Me? Flowers? Are you sure? Yep, Bossman sent me flowers. Nice sunflowers, with a card that reads...You brighten our day.
AWWWW....ain't that sweet? How jealous was everyone at work? Heheheh, you just gotta love it. The day got considerably better after that. How could it not.
Back in the breakroom, one of the gals asked who they were from, and I told her, and she looked at me with a shocked looked and said, is it your anniversary? Nope, I smirk. Wow, you are a lucky girl. Why yes, yes I am! How lucky am I? god, I love my husband. He is so loving. So kind. I can't even decribe how much I love this man. He is my soul. He is my everything.
So then the little voice, deep in the back of my brain, that won't shut up, starts up with....you don't really deserve this. Your not worthy of this, your not even a good wife.
Why does this voice have to come up? Why does my brain automatically go to negative thoughts. I hate this voice. I despise this voice. This voice is nothing but trouble.
So I have decide today, that this voice will have power no more. I will not fall prey to it's negative thoughts. I will not listen to this voice that has no reason. I will not. I will think of the positive. I will embrace the love that is around me without question, and I will not succumb to the negative.
So I say, with a positive outlook, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind......sigh
later.......
Anyway, I was not in a very good mood. Thinking about the holidays makes me in a bad mood...and I will write a blog about that later. So we talked about thanksgiving, and I got in a bad mood, and then I had to work for 9 hours...yuck. It wasn't the start of a great day, that's for sure. But then in the middle of the day, out of no where, the service desk calls back and says...hey girl, you got flowers up here. Me? Flowers? Are you sure? Yep, Bossman sent me flowers. Nice sunflowers, with a card that reads...You brighten our day.
AWWWW....ain't that sweet? How jealous was everyone at work? Heheheh, you just gotta love it. The day got considerably better after that. How could it not.
Back in the breakroom, one of the gals asked who they were from, and I told her, and she looked at me with a shocked looked and said, is it your anniversary? Nope, I smirk. Wow, you are a lucky girl. Why yes, yes I am! How lucky am I? god, I love my husband. He is so loving. So kind. I can't even decribe how much I love this man. He is my soul. He is my everything.
So then the little voice, deep in the back of my brain, that won't shut up, starts up with....you don't really deserve this. Your not worthy of this, your not even a good wife.
Why does this voice have to come up? Why does my brain automatically go to negative thoughts. I hate this voice. I despise this voice. This voice is nothing but trouble.
So I have decide today, that this voice will have power no more. I will not fall prey to it's negative thoughts. I will not listen to this voice that has no reason. I will not. I will think of the positive. I will embrace the love that is around me without question, and I will not succumb to the negative.
So I say, with a positive outlook, but a nagging voice in the back of my mind......sigh
later.......
Starting over
Life is getting back to normal, but it's still hard. Bossman and I got out of sync for a while, and it seems to be hard for us to find the pattern we had before.
I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to get back to our life, to our discipline, to our spanking.
Spanking....last night was the first night. Can I say OUCH! Geez, my butt just wasn't ready for it, and it hurt from the get go. Here's the thing, we haven't been really active in the discipline area, Bossman has been giving me my space. Nice of him, but I feel like I won't ever go back if he doesn't insist. I feel like something is missing, but do I want to go back to that? I really do, but I don't. That just doesn't make any sense, but at least I'm saying it.
Anyway, back to last night. Bossman has this rule, it's a standing rule, one that we both agree on. It's not that difficult, so it's not a problem. He doesn't like me wearing undies to bed. Now that seems like no big deal, but I tend to forget. And since we haven't really been doing the whole spanking thing...I sort of forgot. And wouldn't you know, he came to check, and I had them on....so he spanked. And, I say...ouch!
But let me say, I didn't go easy. I tried my hardest to get out of it. I tried to talk my way out, I tried guilting my way out. I tried saying, but we haven't been doing this...so it doesn't count...but Bossman would not take no for an answer.
shhhh...don't tell...but I'm glad. I don't like it when he lets me get away with stuff. Are we going back to every night of spanking...I'm not sure, but I think we are getting back into the swing of things....just the way I like it!
later......
I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to get back to our life, to our discipline, to our spanking.
Spanking....last night was the first night. Can I say OUCH! Geez, my butt just wasn't ready for it, and it hurt from the get go. Here's the thing, we haven't been really active in the discipline area, Bossman has been giving me my space. Nice of him, but I feel like I won't ever go back if he doesn't insist. I feel like something is missing, but do I want to go back to that? I really do, but I don't. That just doesn't make any sense, but at least I'm saying it.
Anyway, back to last night. Bossman has this rule, it's a standing rule, one that we both agree on. It's not that difficult, so it's not a problem. He doesn't like me wearing undies to bed. Now that seems like no big deal, but I tend to forget. And since we haven't really been doing the whole spanking thing...I sort of forgot. And wouldn't you know, he came to check, and I had them on....so he spanked. And, I say...ouch!
But let me say, I didn't go easy. I tried my hardest to get out of it. I tried to talk my way out, I tried guilting my way out. I tried saying, but we haven't been doing this...so it doesn't count...but Bossman would not take no for an answer.
shhhh...don't tell...but I'm glad. I don't like it when he lets me get away with stuff. Are we going back to every night of spanking...I'm not sure, but I think we are getting back into the swing of things....just the way I like it!
later......
getting back to normal
My Grandmas death was really hard. I went to Chicago for the funeral with my mom. It was weird. I met a lot of family that I had never met before. I have a great uncle, and I have great cousins, and I have extended family that I think are great! It's too bad that something like this had to happen for us all to get togerther. But we are in Ca. and they are in Il. Tough to get together when your that far apart. But I think the internet will help us stay in touch, so that's a good thing!
Getting back into life is something else. My mind can't get over the fact that my grandma is gone. My heart aches that I didn't have any more time with her. I'm disappointed that I couldn't talk to her more about her life. Going through old photos made me realize, there a photos of people that are probably related, but I'll never know who they are, because nobody bothered to ask. I know sadness is normal, but I'm tired of being sad. I try to get back to doing normal things, but I don't feel like doing anything! I hate going to work, I would love nothing more than to stay home all day and forget about life. Playing on the computer helps. It's like being in someone else's life. It's the Sims, and I'm going to write about them later.
I spoke at my Grandmas funeral. Then my cousin spoke. How weird was it for me to listen to someone else talk about how much they loved her? She was my grandma. My brother and sister and I called her Grandma. Now there was someone else calling her grandma. I was jealous. I admit it. It wasn't fair. They got to spend more time with her. But I realized that my grandma loved all of us the same. I could tell by the way they talked that she treated them the same. That made it better. I guess.
As far as Bossman and I, we are hanging in there. We aren't the same since I came back. Things are different. Maybe I'm different. I just want to get back to the way we were. It was good. Now it's not so good. But I have hope we will get better. Right now we just have to go through this. We will, I hope.
later.....
Getting back into life is something else. My mind can't get over the fact that my grandma is gone. My heart aches that I didn't have any more time with her. I'm disappointed that I couldn't talk to her more about her life. Going through old photos made me realize, there a photos of people that are probably related, but I'll never know who they are, because nobody bothered to ask. I know sadness is normal, but I'm tired of being sad. I try to get back to doing normal things, but I don't feel like doing anything! I hate going to work, I would love nothing more than to stay home all day and forget about life. Playing on the computer helps. It's like being in someone else's life. It's the Sims, and I'm going to write about them later.
I spoke at my Grandmas funeral. Then my cousin spoke. How weird was it for me to listen to someone else talk about how much they loved her? She was my grandma. My brother and sister and I called her Grandma. Now there was someone else calling her grandma. I was jealous. I admit it. It wasn't fair. They got to spend more time with her. But I realized that my grandma loved all of us the same. I could tell by the way they talked that she treated them the same. That made it better. I guess.
As far as Bossman and I, we are hanging in there. We aren't the same since I came back. Things are different. Maybe I'm different. I just want to get back to the way we were. It was good. Now it's not so good. But I have hope we will get better. Right now we just have to go through this. We will, I hope.
later.....
sadness
My grandma died yesterday. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. Everyone knows that death is coming, but somehow you never think it's going to happen to you. Or to someone you love. I can't believe shes gone. She was such a great lady. She was beautiful. I can only hope to be a beautiful as she was when I'm that age. She was fiesty. And onry. She was not afraid to tell it like it is. She was hard working. She was generous and strong and most of all, she was loved.
I never thought I would have to say goodbye to her. She was the type of person you just thought would be around forever. But she's gone. And somehow I have to say goodbye.
I remember when she came to visit us once, the wildchild was about 3 or 4 at the time. I took the wildchild with me to meet her at the park where they were having a dog show. The wildchild loved to wear lipstick, even when she was 3. So she was wearing bright red lipstick that my MIL had given her to play with. My grandma saw that lipstick and she very matter-of-factly, took some tissue and started wiping it off. But while she was wiping it, she was telling the wildchild that it was just a little too bright, and she was just "fixing" it. I laugh when I think about that day, for my daughter, being ever the polite little girl that she is, didn't say anything until my grandma was out of earshot, and then she said, "MOM, she wiped ALL my lipstick off!" I just chuckled and promised she could put more on when she got in the car. That was such a great day!
My grandma died in the best way possible. She had a little shoulder pain, she went to the doctor, while she was in the waiting room, waiting for a test result, she passed out, and died of a heart attack. Just like that, she was gone. She wasn't sick. She didn't have much pain. She just left, just like that. But at least she wasn't wearing dirty underpants. Because she was such a beautiful lady, she always looked great, and I'm sure she was all fixed up for seeing the doctor. The nurse told my mom she looked beautiful. She was the most beautiful 82 year old grandmother and great-grandmother around.
I loved her, and I will miss her. She was one of a kind.
I love you Grandma!
later.........
I never thought I would have to say goodbye to her. She was the type of person you just thought would be around forever. But she's gone. And somehow I have to say goodbye.
I remember when she came to visit us once, the wildchild was about 3 or 4 at the time. I took the wildchild with me to meet her at the park where they were having a dog show. The wildchild loved to wear lipstick, even when she was 3. So she was wearing bright red lipstick that my MIL had given her to play with. My grandma saw that lipstick and she very matter-of-factly, took some tissue and started wiping it off. But while she was wiping it, she was telling the wildchild that it was just a little too bright, and she was just "fixing" it. I laugh when I think about that day, for my daughter, being ever the polite little girl that she is, didn't say anything until my grandma was out of earshot, and then she said, "MOM, she wiped ALL my lipstick off!" I just chuckled and promised she could put more on when she got in the car. That was such a great day!
My grandma died in the best way possible. She had a little shoulder pain, she went to the doctor, while she was in the waiting room, waiting for a test result, she passed out, and died of a heart attack. Just like that, she was gone. She wasn't sick. She didn't have much pain. She just left, just like that. But at least she wasn't wearing dirty underpants. Because she was such a beautiful lady, she always looked great, and I'm sure she was all fixed up for seeing the doctor. The nurse told my mom she looked beautiful. She was the most beautiful 82 year old grandmother and great-grandmother around.
I loved her, and I will miss her. She was one of a kind.
I love you Grandma!
later.........
feelings
Feelings are tough for me. I have a hard time saying how I feel. Frankly I have a hard time even knowing what I feel at times. I often wonder if this is normal, or if I'm somehow emotionally deformed. So, the consequence is, Bossman never knows how I feel about stuff. I'm getting better at telling him things, but it's still really hard for me. There are these times when I just feel out of sorts, and I want to be left alone, but bless his heart, that's when he wants to comfort me. Then comes the conversation:
B: What's the matter
m: Nothing
B: Somthings wrong...what is it?
m: Nothing
I hate this conversation, yet I don't know how to get away from it. Because sometimes I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm thinking this has to do with hormones...those stupid woman things that push all our buttons at the same time and leave us feeling....confused.
So we are still doing the spankings. It's funny but they somehow make me feel....hhmmm...I'm going to try and say how I feel here.....they make me feel....safe. yes, safe seems like the word I'm looking for.
Funny how these things go, because at night, there are times when I wish we would skip the whole thing, but on the weekends when he doesn't spank, I feel....empty.
Something must be wrong with me, how can this be? How can one feel safe after spankings and empty without? That doesn't even make sense to me, but that's how it is.
later.............
B: What's the matter
m: Nothing
B: Somthings wrong...what is it?
m: Nothing
I hate this conversation, yet I don't know how to get away from it. Because sometimes I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm thinking this has to do with hormones...those stupid woman things that push all our buttons at the same time and leave us feeling....confused.
So we are still doing the spankings. It's funny but they somehow make me feel....hhmmm...I'm going to try and say how I feel here.....they make me feel....safe. yes, safe seems like the word I'm looking for.
Funny how these things go, because at night, there are times when I wish we would skip the whole thing, but on the weekends when he doesn't spank, I feel....empty.
Something must be wrong with me, how can this be? How can one feel safe after spankings and empty without? That doesn't even make sense to me, but that's how it is.
later.............
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